I've been high

(Dedicated to an REM song by the same name).

"why are you doing this to yourself?" "Doing what?" "you know what, why have you started this new thing. You even have a job now. Your life is almost settled. Then why?" "Does there have to be a reason? There is no reason. Its just that I want to live my life on a high. And all this gives me a high."

I reached a new high during my exams. The results of my Statistics examination stunned everyone in the campus except me. C+ in a course where everyone gets surprised even if I stoop to A from A+. But to score C+ was not as tough as I would have imagined. Not studying did one trick. Even then I might have managed a A/A- (Yeah, I believe I am that good, in stats atleast). Half a bottle of Royal Stag (no more, no less) did the rest. Still am pretty disappointed. If I had not goofed up and made some silly mistakes, I could still have gotten a B+. And normally, I dont make silly mistakes. I make big mistakes.

Coming to that half bottle, the rest was finished before the last examination. Again, you might ask, why before. Because after the exam we were going out. So before the Economics examination I listened to some good Rock, drank and slept. Woke up at 930, finished the syllabus in half an hour. And I might have done better than some of my wingies who spent the entire night studying. Man, I love myself. (I am too good!) Or is it that management is such a sham?

Have been on the biggest debt streak of my college life. This is kinda worse than the fourth year of college. Have lost all my savings, and am running an incurring debt of close to 13000. It is scary. Am going home, so probably shall get my finances back in order. Where did all the money go, u might ask? Well, things like treats, movies, eating out, and most importantly, drinking out. Also 5000 on the planned flight expenditure to Delhi.

Man, I've been high. And happy. Over the past few days.

The past few days have been pretty amazing. There have been plenty of trips to the city: Olypub, Someplace Else, Atrium, Cinammon Lounge, Ivory; to name a few. Also have discovered Artland, a shady drinking place 10 minutes walk from the campus. Have been to a nearby (200 kms away) beach, where had fun. And then there has been the GGP (Great G**** Party), probably the most important event on campus calender for me. Also have been trying "it" out once a week.

Read Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. Man those guys were shit crazy. Gonzo journalism. Loved the book. And am now starting to read A Million Little Pieces. The guy is screwed up on alcohol, cocaine and a hundred other things. And has checked into a rehab. Its like FALILV, a true story.

Have been feeling pretty good lately. Even though, the week before, every morning I wake up to a upset stomach or a bad headache, the feeling of being high takes over later in the day. And
am really loving it.
Planned : A trip to Delhi and home.Cant wait for that to get started. Means meeting old friends, their new and old girlfriends. And doing some essential shopping.

(And yeah, if you have read till here, Happy New Year. Shit. As if I care.)

I am so high now.

My first Short story...Lifes like that

The vulture was waiting for him to die. Ben could feel that, as it was circling his body and watching him intently. Even he was sure he would die, here in the middle of the Sahara desert, with no sign of life nearby. He had been sucked of his last bit of energy, and with the sun shining down upon him, he was seeing mirages. But now he was blinded by the sand winds, and he just decided to lie down there, waiting for his death; and the vulture. He was to become just another victim of the Great Desert. “So, this is death, then?” he thought, “Is this what I wanted all through?”

His mind wandered off to happier times. Not always was he a picture of tragedy, as he liked to call himself. He had started his own company at the height of the dotcom boom, which was doing really well. He had a great group of friends, a beautiful and caring girlfriend, and very supportive parents, who had backed his decision to leave his consulting job to start something of his own. Life seemed so beautiful to him then.

And as he remembered, the dotcom crash had left his company, and his life shattered. He had lost all faith in himself. His parents and girlfriend and other friends stood by him, but he still could not come to terms with his loss. He had been drawn into alcohol and drugs, and had broken up with everyone who cared for him. He had taken up a new job, basically to support his addictions more than anything else, and he was lonely, truly lonely.

He turned suicidal soon after. He had tried various methods: cutting his wrists, eating medicines, and hanging himself. Somehow, nothing seemed to ever work. Even his attempts at ending life only pointed to the same old thing: nothing he could do would ever work. And the more he thought about it, the worse it became. Finally, he decided to see a psychiatrist.

Dr. Ashton Gellar was one of the most reputed psychiatrists in his fields. He took Ben through a lot of psychological tests and methods, but nothing seemed to work. Each method seemed to be working: Ben seemed to be okay for the next few days, but then went back to alcohol, drugs, and inventing modern ways of attempting suicide. And each failure to kill himself further aggravated Ben’s depression. Dr. Gellar had cured more depressed persons during his 25-year tenure, but he could not explain his ineffectiveness with respect to Ben. Ben had lost all good feelings about life, and every new day seemed like a big burden to him. He had to be made believe that life was a miracle, that life had its purpose, a mission, and that every man must wait for his bid time, before passing on to the other world. Then one day, he told Ben to read the Bible, and was surprised to see the results. Ben finally seemed to understand he had a meaning in life, but was still unsure about the meaning. And that was not helping out his condition much. Dr. Gellar also advised Ben to read the Quran, Bhagwad Gita, and the ancient texts from China. Anything that could make him find his purpose, and Ben tried to look forward to each morning. And Ben remembered how one day he had decided to follow his heart’s calling, and visit all these ancient cultures to try to find his purpose.

He had taken a break from his office, and booked a ticket to India. He had visited ancient places like Varanasi, and then also visited the Dalai Lama’s capital in exile. He had also been to China and seen the forbidden city, and Lhasa. His travels also took him to Jerusalem and Mecca-Medina. He then came to Egypt, where he became a part of a caravan journey from Cairo to Luxor.

It was intensely hot that day, with sand blowing all over their faces. It soon turned into a horrible sandstorm and he remembered being thrown off his camel. Even as he tried shouting for help, he knew inside that he was lost. And he was alone. By the time the storm cleared, he was isolated from all signs of life, amongst this huge Sahara desert. But he was not alone for too long, for the vulture had spotted him. And after two days of relentless running after mirages, he had decided to give up. “So, this is death, then?” and closed his eyes, waiting to die.

“How are you, Mr. Ben?” The Doctor asked him. “Where am I?” asked Ben, “Is this heaven?” As he later found out, he was in a hospital in Cairo. Luckily for him, a caravan had found him before he had lost his life. He was lucky to survive, he was told, only one in thousand people managed to survive the Sahara, like he had.

And that put Ben in further thought, “why was I saved? Maybe I have something more to offer to this world yet.” This realization made him see reason. He realized how he had given up on all his good relations over the past five years. He knew he had found his mission in life, to be as good as he could be. He wanted to throw all negative thoughts off his mind. He was going to celebrate his new found life.

He decided to call his parents, and his ex-girlfriend, and told them all he had been through, and that he could not wait to meet them. He also called his friends, and Dr. Gellar, informing them about his new found desire to live life to the fullest. Finally he was completely happy.

He booked the next plane out of Cairo, and could not wait to get back to his old life, one he had himself spurned away. And as he was sleeping, he heard the Pilot’s warning.

“An Air Egypt plane, from Cairo to New York, crashed in the Mediterranean Sea. All 181 passengers and crew feared dead.”

I hate...

Winning when I win.
Losing when I lose.
Achieving something when I achieve.
Not achieving something when I don't achieve.

Being ignored when I am ignored.
Being cared for when I am cared for.
Being in the public eye when I am with everyone.
Being left in solitude when I am alone.

Being good when I am good.
Being bad when I am bad.
Doing something I do.
Not doing something I dont do.

Being myself.
Not being myself.
Life. Death.

What life has taught me...

....0.Zilch.Zero. Sifar. Shunya. Nothing.

I have made the same mistakes again and again.

And this is something I dont wanna change. And its frustrating.

I am going to live, even though all I wanna do is die.

Another day lost

Another day lost. My hallucinations are back. I cant remember how yesterday went by. I remember Friday evening, one of the few non-alcoholic Friday evenings here, and bang! The next thing I remember is Sunday morning 6 a.m. Where was I in between? I have absolutely no clue. I remember eating a lot of tablets( for kicks, because I couldnt find any whisky, and damn:it has become expensive) and then a huge blank.
What happened that whole day for me will be confined to history books. I have lost quite a few days this way, around five or six, just blanked out from memory. I dont know why this happens, but probably I sleep like Kumbhkaran, and even though I am awake for two three hours, I dont remember anything of those. Pretty scary, huh!!
On other fronts, exams start tomorrow. Have pretty much become immune to them now, and they pass off just like they did in IIT, with minimum effect. The effect they leave behind, the CGPA is another matter altogether. I know it matters a lot, but like another things which matter, I have finally stopped caring.
Had my birthday this past week. Got a splendid gift from friends here, my first Ganja joint. It was quite chill and good. Really liked it. Had it the next day as well. Didnt get very high though, which was disappointing.
Life has become pretty meaningless again, and I have made a deal this time around: I wont make such a big deal about living it. I am OK. I am doing good. And I will be fine for the world outside. Because now I have stopped caring. For you and for me.
On the inside though, I know something is just not right.

King Of Pain

[Sting..but exactly how I feel]
here's a little black spot on the sun today
It's the same old thing as yesterday
There's a black hat caught in a high tree top
There's a flag-pole rag and the wind won't stop

I have stood here before inside the pouring rain
With the world turning circles running 'round my brain
I guess I'm always hoping that you'll end this reign
But it's my destiny to be the king of pain

There's a little black spot on the sun today
(That's my soul up there)
It's the same old thing as yesterday
(That's my soul up there)
There's a black hat caught in a high tree top
(That's my soul up there)
There's a flag-pole rag and the wind won't stop
(That's my soul up there)

I have stood here before inside the pouring rain
With the world turning circles running 'round my brain
I guess I'm always hoping that you'll end this reign
But it's my destiny to be the king of pain

There's a fossil that's trapped in a high cliff wall
(That's my soul up there)
There's a dead salmon frozen in a waterfall
(That's my soul up there)
There's a blue whale beached by a springtide's ebb
(That's my soul up there)
There's a butterfly trapped in a spider's web
(That's my soul up there)

I have stood here before inside the pouring rain
With the world turning circles running 'round my brain
I guess I'm always hoping that you'll end this reign
But it's my destiny to be the king of pain

There's a king on a throne with his eyes torn out
There's a blind man looking for a shadow of doubt
There's a rich man sleeping on a golden bed
There's a skeleton choking on a crust of bread

King of pain

There's a red fox torn by a huntsman's pack
(That's my soul up there)
There's a black-winged gull with a broken back
(That's my soul up there)
There's a little black spot on the sun today
It's the same old thing as yesterday

I have stood here before inside the pouring rain
With the world turning circles running 'round my brain
I guess I'm always hoping that you'll end this reign
But it's my destiny to be the king of pain

king of pain
king of pain
king of pain
I'll always be king of pain...

Answers

"The zubin i knew in my college days is no longer around....." was a comment posted on the previous post by a friend. And you know, why I wrote the last post. It was to answer your question on the yahoo group. The Bloomberg Internship didnt change anything. Because the real problem is somewhere else.
And its probably the time I answer back, and as I hate talking about these things personally, I will answer it here too, instead. And if you like me, you probably wont after reading this. But this is the truest one can ever be in a post.
In IITD, I think I had this image of being this happy-go-lucky person who indulged himself in everything from hostel dramatics (on the background) to long nightouts in Nescafe. Like a friend wrote in a testimonial about me on Orkut,("he couldn't care less about passing any course",) studies, or infact anything else of personal worth, were my last priority, much to the chagrin of my parents. I supposedly kept myself busy, by indulging in hostel activities, followed by nightly trips to Nescafe. I justified my not studying, or my not doing anything of personal value-addition by thinking I was building an all-round personality; and that I was making some good friendships. There was a strong part in me that wanted to achieve material recognition for all my efforts, but it was downed by the strong feeling of super-ego, which told me to take into account the team before the individual. And so all along, you never knew the real me in college, which I am certain you would have hated. And so whenever this part of me surfaced up I shut myself from the world, instead of talking about my desires with people.
So all this while I didnt concentrate on what I wanted, and was supposedly happy doing what was best for the group. Except that I wasnt happy. I hated doing all this, but I thought that people would like you if you were "good" and somehow, I wanted all my acquaintences to like me. There were times even in the past, if you remember, friend, when I would just like to shut myself away from the world; roam alone on the roads, listen to Everybody Hurts at loud voluems, trying to find something gratifying. It was when the real me started mocking me for putting a false mask. I couldnt talk about it to my friends, because they had known to like me, and I couldnt make them hate me by telling them all that I thought inside. I knew I was lying when I said," I do it because I enjoy doing it." I was doing what I did during the hostel days to seek respect and admiration of people. I thought all along, that was what mattered in life, and not a material recognition of my efforts.
But this view was shattered coming into the final year of college. And you, friend, were among the first people to make me realise that. I was never as close to you as much as I wanted to, and the actions you took sometimes made me realise I had made a fool of myself. People around me, lived for themselves, or their passion. I, on the other hand, lived for other people, creating a world-pleasing alter ego acting differently from what the real me would have acted. And it pained when I came to know that I, even in my good alter ego form, didnt really matter much to them. And everyone else just carried on with his life. I, on the other hand, had nothing to turn to. Because my alter ego had always desired that my friends get the best, not caring much about myself. And now it had nowhere to go.
But there was another thing as well. The real me doesnt like to see anyone else other than me successful. There is always a part of me that pains when I hear of a friend succeeding, and a part of me that becomes happy when he goes into trouble. I am probably even jealous of my parents'and my brother's success. I guess the real me is just sick. And this makes me feel guilty. And because I recently realised that because of this, the real me couldnt love anything but myself. I want everyone else to be suffering.
And now I am caught in a conflict with the alter-ego and the real me. This conflict is killing me. Slowly but surely, and there is nothing you can do about it.
You are happy because you live your life for yourself. I have never lived my life for myself, and the more I think about it, I hate myself. I feel guilty for having such negative feelings in my mind about people. I can live for other people (in my alter ego form), but now I realise that all relationships stink. Not an option.
Right now, I am OK. Please no more advices on how to be happy. I hate those the most.

To Put things in perspective...

I have probably what most people would die to have.

A summer internship offer in my desired field (Financial Data Analysis) in my desired city (New York City, New York), with a more than enough stipend (Approx. $40 per hour or more) in a big company, Bloomberg, and a great chance to convert it into a PPO (Pre-Placement Offer). Doing pretty well in my college academically and otherwise.

Wonderful parents and a great brother, and caring friends.

What more can one ask for in life? Nothing much, I guess.

Am I happy, I ask myself? And the answer is no. I dont know why, but something seems to be wrong. Anyways, can anyone explain what being happy means?

Realisation - II

In the end, you either win or lose.

If you lose, you feel guilty of not having tried hard enough.

If you win, you feel guilty of making someone more hardworking and "deserving" lose.

In the end, all you do is lose.

"Everything in life has become a hygiene condition, not getting it makes you feel bad and sad; but getting it doesnt make you happy either."

Today

Today is probably the first day when I have put in my best effort and not achieve something I wanted to.
Today is probably the first time I have experienced first-hand discrimination, and been subjected to some negative bias.
Today is, however, not the first time I have seen people with potential and interest losing out to people who are pseudo, and led by monetary lust.
Today is not the first time I feel life is unfair.
Today is not the first time I wish it was easy to die......

On feedback, what exactly is "out of the box" thinking?

And why cant people always stop giving advices?

And how can people live in this world of hope, where hope of a better, beautiful life is all that keeps all of us going?

My higher self

I am normally a pretty normal MBA in making, except that I am not getting totally caught in the placement rush of filling the forms. Am applying to companies though which only want resumes, and not forms. And I would like a Day 0 job, to get shortlisted, and convert PPOs. And while my normal self is an out and out extrovert, I have a deeper, "darker" side as well. Which writes most of the posts on this blog. Like this one. I think its my higher self.

We are told to be happy. To enjoy life. I am going mad probably, with all the crap I wrote in the last post, but what if I am being cured. What if I am seeing things in the right light, and the entire world is mad. What if I have figured out what life really is, and blurted it out loud, and all others around me are just not being able to see the truth, or probably too afraid to say it out.

Dont do the concepts of Hinduism and Matrix say the same things. Death is just the beginning of something else. There is no end. Why are we so afraid of death then, and why do we want to emcompass life with all the happiness? People who know me good enough tell me I have a "medical disorder" called depression. They want me to seek cure for this illness. And now I am ready, for their sake, to seek treatment.

For the record though, what happens if I find out in the end (of this life), that I was right all through? That I am already in a higher plane of thought, where things are so much clearer. That psycathric help is just another of these methods to pull you back into the earthly plane of life, to make you seek happiness, which is in real terms, an imaginary concept. We all have a void in our lives. No one is happy. Everyone is chasing happiness, and all who chase it dont get it.

You know, then people say, "If you had everything, what else would be left to do?" The point we miss however is, that you can never have everything. In life we run chasing things which we think will make us happy. If we dont get them, we get sad, and if we do get them, we realise that it wasnt the thing we were after. And we seek a new object of affiliation. And this cycle continues.

And someone would now say, "this is exactly what life is." Death is just the end of this suffering, something which shall make us happy. Then why do we shy away from it? Why do we want a long life? Why do we run after happiness so much?

I had an accident in a bus recently, which made all people around me take some sort of preventive action as the breaks were suddenly applied, and I noticed that people started churning out prayers in their native tongues. And I also noticed that I was the only one calm. The accident later turned out to be a minor one, but it made me sure of one thing: I am not afraid of death. And I think I am happier than all of you just because of this fact. And which also makes me not seek death anymore.

I dont want to die because I am sad. Exactly the opposite. Its just because I dont want to run after happiness, which is what life is all about. Once you find that true happiness within yourself, like I have started to, life becomes meaningless because you have nothing more to do. But I am living on for myself now. To enjoy this actual happiness. Hypocritic? I am a hypocrite, like my brother says.

I dont need anyone around to make me happy. I have started loving my peace around myself. Sorry to say this, but I detest people calling me, talking to me or coming to my room for asking questions. I just want to be alone. Totally alone. I have stopped feeling things for others. Noone matters to me. Nothing can alter my inner peace, not even I probably.

Whatever

I am heavily drunk right now. Which makes this blog a lot accurate than what it has been in the past.

We are all runnning away. From Death, which is the end but we refuse to admit it. Death is peace, the end of all the pain that life has in store for us. Life is pain. The joys in life are just a detterent. We try chasing happiness. Its like "You just get good marks in 10th. Life will be much better then." When you do that, its "Get through JEE, you will have nothing to worry about." When you make it through IIT, it is "Get through Mckinsey/BCG, CAT and life will be great". When you make it through IIM, it is "Get a Day Zero Summers, and life is chill throughout.". Life is never chill, It is one big pain.

Death is the answer. and the best thing was if we could all run away. From life towards death. But we just cant. Because of our relationships. We all have to suffer because man is a social animal that needs company. And relationships that cause more pain than joy. Most people are blind to this simple fact. I am not, at this moment atleast. I am at a higher plane, and the only thing that causes me pain is the fact that I cant die, because it shall pain my family and friends.

I wish I could die.....

If....

If you dont know what are you looking forward to
and everyday leaves you feeling hopeless and sad;
If you have nothing better to do,
than to pretend you are slowly turning mad.

If you are sure you have lost the will
to live in this world of blinding lights;
If each day seems like a big burden,
and alone is spent every single night.

If there are demons going through your mind,
which make you frown all the time;
If you somehow feel guilty deep inside,
of committing many heinous crimes.

If you have lost all emotions
of happiness, laughter and delight;
If it seems you are a picture of tragedy,
and nothing seems to be going right.

If love had found you,
and you have lost it now;
If all you can do is to wonder,
what, where, when and how?

If you just cant put a finger
on where did it all go wrong;
If the only thing you are sure of,
is that life has been far too long.

If you are afraid to tell
anyone about your sorry state;
If it seems noone understands you,
and all you have is your heart is unexplainable hate.

If you want to hurt this world badly
just like it has always hurt you;
If you know you are sick,
but even the best doctors cant cure you.

What do you tell yourself then,
as to why should you live on?
Arent you as good as dead,
because your life is already gone?

A not so anonymous letter

My first post from the "hallowed" portals of IIMC.

Reproducing here, a "funny" psychotic letter, I recieved from someone. Read on to find out more.
The envelope said, "Zubin Saini (MBA), Indian Institute of Management Calcutta, Joka, Kolkata (West Bengal) - 700104."

"Nothing is impossible in this world."

"My dear brother,
Hello brother, how do you do? I am fine here. How are father, mother and all. I want to know your health and family members health also.
Hello, my dear brother, how is your study going? My study is going well. Now, I have come to West Bengal. I want to meet you. I am eagerly waiting for my dear brother you. Now, I am very happy because I am speaking with my dear brother. Everyday I am praying for your studies and your health and family members health also. Surely, God will give you his wisdom and knowledge.
Everyday I am thinking for you. I dont expect from you anything. I want to see you. This only I want from you. If you are well, I am also well. If you are not well, I am also not well. This is true because my mind is always with you.
(Next, there is a paragraph in Tamil, which I cant read.)
Really, I dont have brother. But I am very happy because I have one elder brother. Everyday I am thinking for you. So, I can write this much.
I want to see you coming from Tamil Nadu. But unfortunately I didnt see you. Now, I have stayed in West Bengal. If you are very busy, you write me one letter. You write your address, phone number and cell number also. I do not want to disturb you. In case you did not write me one letter, I will worry anytime. Please brother, dont forget me. Immediately, write me one letter now. Then, when you are free at the time you come and see me. I pray for your all intentions to be successful. I am eagerly waiting for you.
Yours lovingly,
Signed incomprehensible.

My Address is :
J. John
(and some address of some village in some West Bengal district.)

(Please, immediately write me one letter, I am eagerly waiting for your letter.)
(Anybody if you get this letter, please you give my dear brother. Thanks for you.)"

WTF is this letter supposed to mean? Is it someone's idea of a prank? Or is it something more psychotic. I am scared. I havent ever been to Tamil Nadu, and I have no idea about West Bengal. And I have googled, I am the only Zubin Saini in this planet. How and why this letter then? What does God want me to do?Fuck God, and fuck this person. I am not doing anything. He can worry, even die, and I dont care.

On other thought, everything hurts.

Update

For those who didnt know, I had quit blogging for a while.

I am leaving New Delhi tomorrow.

I might or might not start blogging again from IIM Calcutta Campus.

And I really cherished this self-imposed exile from blogosphere, realising there were more important things in life.

As for the rest, please read my previous post.

Thanks.

Realisation

Some things are better left unsaid.

Solitude

"Har taraf har jagah beshumaar aadmi
Fir bhee tanhayeeon se ghiraa aadmi"

This was the firstJagjit Singh ghazal I heard, way back when I was in fifth standard. And while I could not comprehend the lyrics then, somehow the words stuck in my memory. And now, on a new threshold of my life, these words impose themselves on me and now I can fully understand them. I have been haunted by this feeling of solitude for days now. I have developed a pretty constant schedule for weekends and days I dont spend at office: I go to Barista and read. And while this is, to a very large account, due to the lack of company to spend time with, I actually like doing this as well. I have just discovered that I am even pretty happy when I am alone with my books, or when I am writing a blog. This has a lot to do with the realisation that even the best of friends are not going be there always, and that a man can only be happy if he seeks his happiness from within. And I am mildly surprised to realise this: I am happy even though the last few days have been devoid of friends, and been forced to long periods of solitude.

I have started writing this after five days, and the reason has been that I have been busy. And not with work, but with people. After the pretty dull life that I had been leading for the past few weeks, seems to have had reversed. Suddenly a lot has been happening. I am partying almost everyday with friends, and three of those days have been totally different company. The last week at Delhi probably promises to be a surprise in itself, and having fallen in love with the city, its probably going to be tough. The past five days have been days of, among other things, Masala Junction, learning people better, confessions and white wine. Its a complete contrast from my days described above. And I am liking this as well. What matters probably is happiness., and I am enjoying a very happy session (touchwood!!)

"Its not getting what you want, its wanting what you got."

This game called love

I just finished reading Love in the Time Of Cholera. It is a wonderful read, and quite unlike other Marquez' novels. For one, the novel does not have those elements of fantasy that I thought were hallmarks of all Marquez' novels. And two, it is a novel of immense hope. I think I particularly connected with it because of this phase of my life I am going through. It is one of those books that mirror your thoughts about a particular subject so closely. And your heart resurfaces with hope, which was lying submerged somewhere. The book also reveals the different forms of love between a man and a woman. One more, and possibly the most important, learning from the book is that love is not blind; rather it sees all the faults, and does not seem to mind. This book has turned a pessimist like me into a complete optimist. And I am liking this rare feeling of happiness even though a lot is not going my way.
The past week I also read this sentimental story about a guy who loves his best friend, but is afraid to say so, because he is afraid to end the wonderful friendship they have. As it turns out, he is never able to say the magical three words, and after she dies young because of leukemia, he comes to know that she had the same feelings for him. Just that both were unable to blurt it aloud to one other, and the love that they had found in one other could never express itself.
Love is a funny thing. It can make you conquer the world, and it can make you lose everything you ever had. Love makes you suffer, and it makes you happy. Love hurts and love heals. It is by no means easy. There are plenty of sacrifices to make, and possibly, a loss of your ego, your freedom. And even then there is no surety of you finding your love. It is a tough game, where even your best efforts might not be enough to succeed. The only way then, is to keep up the hope, and believe in it. If your love is strong enough though, it will succeed. Now or later. You might have to wait, but the wait will be worth it, or so have I realised from other people's examples. I am feeling happy right now, and the happiness is not because I have love all around me, but rather because I am sure I will have it one day. Not that there is any indicator to the effect, quite the opposite, but I am sure that if my love is strong enough (and I am sure it is), it will succeed one day.
On a separate note, the happiness I have is also based on the realisation that life has been kind to me. I know all of us have a tendency to be sad about things we dont have, but if we make a things of what we have, it shall far outnumber what we dont. For one, I have such wonderful parents, brother and friends. They love me and want me to succeed, and as such I dont know anyone who wants me to end up as a failure. I know that I can go to any of them and ask for help, and that they wont turn me away. Also, I think I have been extremely lucky to have a pretty sharp brain, and a healthy body. Even though I am not very rich, I am thankful that I never have to struggle to make both ends meet. And I also feel I am lucky that life throws me lifelines whenever I am down. Plenty of blessings to count then, but somehow we always tend to concentrate more on a missed grade, or a failed crush.
Love can make you do things you thought you could never do. Like quit drinking. And make you believe in miracles. Everything is possible in this world, to achieve which, like the popular Beatles say, All you need is love.

My Experiment with Politics-3

Year 3 : Feb 2004: The battle for the biggest post in the hostel, the House Secretary, was more a game of Chess than anything else. And it was a funny game, with not two opponents, but multiple ones. It was a fight based on ideologies, personal egos and worst of all, plain opportunitism. This was also the year when Kara conducted Rendezvous, and inspite of all the hype surrounding it after Tryst, couldnt live up to the expectations.
The stage had been set way before, with the Maintenance Secretary deciding to divide the working clas of the batch into two parts: the C wing and the D wing. The others, which also included some working junta, were pushed into double rooms. The C wing (also known as the Power wing) included 11 people, who were strong members of the Elite Group. They were also supposed to include two more people, both the two 'losing' candidates for Sports Secretary, who however decided to join the D wing. After a bit of adjustment then, the batch was roughly divided, demographically now, into three : the C wing, the D wing and the double room residents. This was also the time when the 'Loser' Group was formed. A group of six people, five of them from D wing, and one from a double room. We all had something to cry about (the system, politics, love etc), and hence we all deemed ourselves as "Losers'. But more of it later.
The Power wing included the Maintenance Secretary and the Mess Secretary. And both of them were deemed to be excellent candidates for the post of the House Secretary, because they had done plenty of work during the past year, leading Karakoram to the second spot in BHM. And they had plenty of other decent candidates as well, who could have won on any given day. There were plenty of working people in the D wing as well, actually more of them, but they didnot have any ambition of a post, and they were also afraid of the responsibility of leading the hostel next year. Moreover, the "political" people from D wing were more interested in external posts which were promised to them (Me included).
The actual Politics in the third year started off with the representatives from C wing coming up to me and proposing to me, the name of a candidate to whom I could hardly agree to. They talked about setting a tradition of making unanimous House Secretaries, something that had been their aim last year as well. Not because he wasnt decent, but because I had always sensed in him a negligence towards his responsibilities. Now, this person (lets call him Candidate A), was easily the best dancer/actor in our year, and had also served as the D&D representative, where his performance was far from satisfactory. And he had not done much of note during the past year as well. Moreover, A was a person who evoked extreme reactions from people. According to me, he had a habit of taking up a project with much enthusiasm and then leaving it midway. But at that time, there was no other candidate, and I desperately started looking for someone, for I personally didnt feel he fitted the bill.
Actually, I had been looking earlier too for one. A consensus candidate, I reasoned, would be a non-political figure who had worked for the hostel, and could handle the responsibility well. Along with Mr. D, who was one of the 'losing' Sports Secretary candidates (ironically, he was the "Elite Group's" choice then, but over the past year, we had grown quite close, not the least because of being losers; and we were very good friends), we singled out Mr. P, who had a political acumen, and was on good terms with almost everyone in the batch. Moreover, he had proved his credentials as a representative, with some pretty good results. He was excited and ready to take up the challenge, as well, and as such was probably the best House Secretary, consensus or not. And so we (me and D) decided on projecting him as a unanimous candidate.
But things just got more complicated, when S, who was another 'loser', and the winning Maintenance Secretary (who had however not been able to hold the post), decided to approach me as a friend, and ask my support for his bid to the post. Now this was something I had not been expecting, because he had refused me when I had earlier asked him about his political ambitions. But he had been loaded wit pressure and support from a few friends, who wanted him to stand just to teach a lesson to the Elite Group for last year. And so he was counting on my support, being one of his best friends. However, I had already committed myself to the ideas of making a consensus candidate in P, and so I could not promise anything to him, which sort of spoilt our relations a bit for a small time.
To pursue our dream of a consensus candidate further, I and D arranged a meeting of the prospective candidates (A and S) in a bid to pursue our own agenda of pushing P's name as a consensus. The result was anything but postive. S, sensing himself alone and without support, walked out of the meeting, to return back with his trusted ally, Mr. K (who, because of his image as a nogooder, was disliked by everyone else in the room). The Mess Secretary (henceforth called B, who was also the chief campaigner for A) went on a monologue to prove A's deservibility for the post, and to downplay any other prospective candidates. The meeting ended with both the candidates' groups refusing any concessions for batch unity and deciding to fight it out. And hence P dropped out from the list.
Now that no consensus had been reached, it was a pretty easy decision for me to make. I had supported S vehemently during the Maintenance Secretary Elections, and so was sure which side my emotions ruled. And I was prudent enough to tell this on the face to A and B, so that there was no personal hostility. And we started getting more people in our year working for S. D was supposed to be closer to S than to A, but he decided to opt for a neutral stance. We had to look for support elsewhere, and were expecting the non-working junta to support us, just because we were "closer" to them than the Elite Group. And then another thunderbolt struck.
The Sports Secretary, who had done nothing of note the entire year, decided to contest the elections as well. That, for me, was the end of any hopes that S had of winning the elections. The support that we were expecting from the Non-Working juntaa had been swept away in one big blow. And the worse thing for S was, that the Working Group, was also not entirely in his favour. The support base for S (that had made him win 34-17 last year) dwindled because of the following reasons :
a) People of the Working Group saw him as being too ambitious.
b) The presence of K as his "running mate" despised them no end. The working group feared, that if S was elected, K would hold the reins, a theory which I tried hard to dissuade.
c) The non-working group were now definitely supporting the Sports Secretary.
The support for S in our year then, was at a low. However, things could only get better from here. The first small success that came was that D was finally convinced to openly support S. The other good thing that we achieved was to persuade the Cultural Secretary, who had a bias towards A, not to openly support any of the candidate.
The task at hand, though was still a pretty formidable one. We needed to convince the freshers, all of them cheering for A (because, "he looks more like a House Secretary than S does."). We also needed to get the support of the M.Techs, without which the battle could not have been won. And so we decided stratergies day in and day out. We were also keeping an eye on the external elections, as our fortunes were also at stake. We got a big boost when R, a batchmate, and one who had access to around 35 votes decided to support us. And so finally the game was on. We were really working hard to get our message of having "worked for the hostel, having a good team and having external candidates in our side. " We were also banking on the fact that in a three way contest, we were sure to garner most of the Sports Secretary's and A's second choice votes (just because S was the only other acceptable candidate for the other). But the fact that the freshers were still split between A and the Sports Secretary, with only a handful even thinking about working for S, made things very difficult for us. And then another miracle happened. But before that there was also a drama.
The drama was this : P had always wanted to avoid elections, fearing it would split the batch permanently, and was even worried about the division of votes among S and A would help the Sports Secretary to the post, a scenario which most of the working group wanted to avoid. And se he proposed another consensus : that of making D, whose external aspirations had been almost crush being the consensus candidate of A and S groups, to take on the Sports Secretary. And he came to me with the proposal, to which I agreed wholeheartedly. For two reasons : the more obvious one being that it would almost assure D's victory, but the more clever one was that it helped me make P feel that S listened to me and D, and not K. I asked P to propogate the idea in the C wing, and to take it from me that once A and B agreed, D would be the agreed choice, because I had said yes on S behalf. And I did not even talk to S about it. Because I knew fully well that A and B would never agree, and while that proved them to be power hungry, I could win some symphaty back for S. And P tried for four hours to make A and B see reason, to no avail. P felt humiliated, and came back, a defeated man. And I told P that S had agreed, because he wasnt power hungry et al,and because I was more influental than K over him, but because the C wing hadnt relented let it be a full fledged fight. And so it was.
"The miracle" was not as much a miracle, actually, than a masterpiece played by yours truly in this game. It was probably the defining moment of those elections, when we managed to rope in loser M into our campaign barely three days before the D-day. Now M was another member of the loser group, but had promised to remain neutral during the entire campaign. He had been largely maligned during last year's anti-campaigning allegations, and as such had decided to stay away from all politics this year. He had instead, concentrated on making strong relations with the juniors, and through his selfless work and fundaes, was the inspiration for almopst all freshers. And when he came into the action, the entire freshers swung. Almost the entire batch, on a single day, decided to shift towards S. And that made things so much easier.
Then there were also news that two postgraduate candidates were also standing for the post, a news that was greeted with relief from our side. Becuase we had our consolidated 35-postgraduate vote bank, which wasnt going anywhere, any postgraduate candidate would only cut into A and the Sports Secy's vote bank. And that made us the favourites, up from the Losers tag we had barely three days ago.
A day before the D-day another proposal was mooted, and this came from the outgoing House Secretary : of a surprise voting among the B.Techs to decide one candidate who goes on to meet the two postgraduate in the final round. So as to counter the 'threat' of a postgraduate as a house Secy. The proposal was rejected by us, because we were very sure of our chances, and had calculated the numbers perfectly, and were sure of winning. There were other reasons as well, but its imprudent to write all of them here.
By this time, our hostel, which had won handsomely the past two times, was sitting on the losing side externally, because of desertions. I was supposed to be the BSP candidate for the alliance, and it hung in balance. But we were almost losing everything else.
By the time the D-day came, a lot of things that were not going in our favour changed. S was seen positively by the working group people, and some of them actually voted for him in the end, being tired of A and B's power hungry attitude. In the end, by the time of the first counting, S was in a huge 40 vote leads, and had got the requisite 50% votes by the third recount. The race for the second spot was much closer, with the Sports Secretary beating one Postgraduate candidate (the other one got only thre votes) and A by a couple of votes, in that order. A, who was the favourite, finished fourth. It was an unexpected victory, and time for a celebration.And K was on top of the world, as was S. But there were more important things to be done, I reminded S: The external elections.
Karakoram was losing this time around, and we searched for ways to make some hostel jump over to our alliance. It never happened. We were destined to lose, keeping the tags of loser alive. The only good thing about being in a losing alliance is that an hostel can have more external candidates to boot of. And so me (BSP), S (BHM) and D (BSW) all filed the nominations. S was a dummy, I was supposed to contest, and I might have had even won, but on the last moment, my English Chief Editor from Nilgiri was made the candidate, probably a consequence of some anti-alliance voting by Karakoram. And he lost by two votes. D lost in BSW as well. Our last hope remained SAC, which had S's ex-roomie (a core A supporter ironically) pitted against a Jwala candidate. It was close, but again we lost. We had just a Chief Editor of English to show up that year.
And then came our first lesson in external politics: The AIC elections. We decided to put up a candidate for the post, a reluctant candidate albeit, who was the other losing candidate for the Sports Secy (working Group's candidate). Me, S and S's ex roomie (Mr. AD!!) tried the entire day for some miracle to happen, and there were a few signs that one might, but there was none. He lost, but we had our first experience of External Politics, and we had sure liked it.
Now all I was looking forward to was next year, and to lead Karakoram to victory in style. That was the aim, and I was hoping that S would opt me over K. And that hope dimmed the moment K was nicknamed "Advaniji" by people around. But there was plenty to look forward to next year.

My Experiment with Politics-2

Year 2: March 2003 The time coincided with the general feeling of feel-good within the hostel, which had just conducted the biggest technical festival of North India of all time, Tryst 2003. As it turned out, it was just the calm before the storm, something which was to blow up the entire year apart. And, worst of all, I, unwittingly, was at the start, end and centre of it. There had been a controversy during Tryst which had tended to split the working junta of the hostel into two. The controversy was resolved, but it left almost permanent fissures within our batch.
The second year politics started off with the Elite Group (again almost the same set of people) deciding that the time had come to get up their act again. And this time they made their decision in a closed room, promising to give the posts to the most "deserving" persons. And then they came to me with the list. Now, well, I was a pretty important figure in my year, because I was on pretty good terms with everyone in my batch, and so my opinion did matter. But some of the decisions made by the group seemed controversial, and as always, I believed that the decision lay on the entire batch, rather than a group of people, even if it included myself. And I also believed, quite convincingly, that I would make the best Cultural Secretary, but the Group had chosen someone else, who was undoubtedly the most talented and the best representative we had, but who was reluctant to take up the responsibility. And that became the first step of the controversy between two groups, the Elite one and the group which had also worked for the hostel, but had not really wanted anything much, but were there just to voice their frustration at the scheme of things (except for me probably :D) (I will call it the working group). And on our side was the person who had been the Elite Group's candidate for Cultural Secretary And the fight later spilled onto other posts as well, pitting three people in direct fight in Sports Secretary, and two in Maintainance Secretary. The only post that remained uncontested was the post of the Mess Secretary, but that was because the only candidate had maneovered his way pretty well. He was the main proponent of the Elite Group, and while he is a good friend today, those days were not the best in terms of our friendship. In a consensus building exercise, the guy tipped to be the Cultural Secretary gradually agreed, and I (and a lot of other pretenders to the post) backed out.
The biggest fallout of this all was in Sports, where the three nominees represented the three groups that had informally built up in the hostel : the Elite, the Working, and the non-working. And a meeting among the three candidates themselves , they agreed on the third candidate. It was one of the decisions that was to haunt us for the next whole year. The other two candidates were much much worhtier in every respect, and while one of them (Elite Group's candidate, who after this was to become one of my very best friends) went on to become the BSA Gsecy as well, it also marked the end of a brilliant sporting career for the second (who was, and is, one of my best friends, and was the Working group's candidate), who went on, however, to make an invaluable contribution to the Karakoram BRCA team the rest three years.
The Maintaince Secy post, however, was by far the most controversial, where the two candidates were also very good friends :the Elite Group's one, who was banking on his "deserving" prowess, pitted against one of the most likeable guys in the batch then. He had a full supporter in me, because I believed him to be able to completely fulfil all his responsibilities.
Inspite of all the talk of consensus, things finally came to a standstill, and finally a batch vote was agreed on. And there I came into the picture, arbitarily one day deciding that the time was right for one, and inviting people to my room to come and vote. The people voted, and by the end the result was shocking : 34-17 to the working group's candidate. It was a verdict noone, including me, had predicted, and it led to vast allegations of anti-campaigning by the Elite Group. The batch was on a verge of a virtual split, when something else happened.
The candidate I had supported was asked by seniors whether he wanted to become an External Secretary. It was on the condition that he would resign from the Maintenance Secretary's post. He agreed, and the Maintenance Secy's post went to the losing candidate from the Elite Group. The worse thing, however, was that the winner was not even given an external post, because of some external changes at the last minute. It created divisions in the batch, and the initial 34-17 was divided into 3 groups: of roughly 17 each again: those voting the Elite Group, those voting the Working group, and agreeing that the new Maintenance Secretary was good enough (this included me, and almost the entire set of people who mattered), and those who were totally against the new Maintenance Secretary. It was a fight that was to continue next year as well. But for now, the first two parties had sort of made peace, and that was all that mattered.
In the external elections, it was the year that Kara got the BRCA GSecy. So it was a matter of great pride. And in a little detail, the only other external post that Kara got was the Hindi Chief Editor, which fell to yours truly. And I only knew about it while I was going inside SAC for voting. I was the BSP English rep, and so I even gave my speech in more English than Hindi. I was a complete misfit for the post, but being the only candidate, I was kind of accepted for the post. It was maybe a cookie for the Working Group, who had given their all, but had not gotten any bigger post internally (except maybe Cultural Secretary). And maybe it was also to assuage all those supporters of the winning Maintenace Secy, who could not become the external Secretary, he was promised.
Anyways, Politics had treated me pretty well again, and I was looking forward to the next year, when the ultimate prize: The House Secretary was to be decided.

The Green Eyed Monster

I never thought this would happen to me
And this was not how things were meant to be
I was so green with jealousy
to see you with him, so happy

I should be happy for you, a voice inside me says
But then I remember all those long-forgotten days
When we were together,albeit for a brief time
And another voice tells me You should be mine.

I am sorry for feeling this way
But the green eyed monster refuses to fade away
I have become obsessive about you
believing we could make a fabulous two

I think you are made only for me
and so I get so angry, as to why cant you see
That I will keep you happy as well,
And I can even hear the ringing wedding bells.

The world would then be a much better place to live in
And whatever we might have to face, we would win
My only hope is that you will soon realize it too
That there is only one truth : I love you.

My Experiments with Politics-I

First things first : I have made it to IIMC, and am looking forward to the next two years. And I guess it shall also spell the end of a long relationship with IIT Delhi. But thats later; for now, another Political Season at IITD ends. A season of hopes, disappointments, enlightenment and disillusionments. Observing the entire scene from the outside is even more fun, than being a part of the whole exercise. One of the lowest (or highest!!!) points of my stay in IITD came when I was nominated for the "Poltu of the Batch" award. I did lose (thankfully) but I guess the time is right to set the record straight. This is my interpretation of the things that happened. Might or might not be true. And please don't get sentimental about it, even though I would not mind some mud-slinging (It ensures more visitors:)). And don't complain about me whining. I am just telling you about how very "naive" I was.
Year 1: March 2002: My interaction with Politics for the first time came when a meeting of the entire year was convened by the "Elite" group of our batch. (This was a group of people, who while dedicated wholeheartedly to the hostel, also felt that the hostel was their keep). The meeting was convened for making plans for getting trophies for the hostel, but the hidden agenda was also to achieve a consensus on the reps, wherein the Elite Group hoped to use its superior persuasion powers to get the more debatable posts. I was also one of the speakers in the meeting, with my one focus on becoming the EDLC rep, because I truly felt I deserved it. (I was not a part of the group though, but they probably thought they could not ignore my contribution over the past year). There were four of us who had worked hard in the EDLC/QC clubs, and just three posts. Three of us were in one wing, so we decided to split the spoils between us. The fourth member, who since then has become a very key friend, did not interact much with the batch as such, and so we were able to convince him somehow. So I became the EDLC rep. There was fight over the FAC and FSC clubs, where the Elite group members were harking on posts, but we still came to some sort of consensus. I was satisfied by the outcome of the meeting. We had made various committees to work on various clubs, and I had achieved what I thought I "deserved. But our fourth year seniors had something else in mind, and an entire batch elections were called hurriedly one night. Elections were held for almost every post among people who had worked for a particular club, and I ended up "losing" the EDLC repship. The fourth member became the new EDLC rep, while I felt cheated, after having had a good rapport with everyone in the batch, having been elected as the BSP English Rep. I thought it to be the end of the world (Caution : It was not, and nothing ever is). There were two candidates standing for the post of the House Secretary, one clearly preferred by the Outgoing seats of power over the other. So we knew where to vote, and he became the new House Secretary in one of the most one sided elections in history.
I had no idea about what happens in the external elections and on the day of the external elections, was told that I was going to be nominated for the BSP English Editor. I felt happy (finally something!!) but just before going inside to vote, I was told (by the powers that are) that I was supposed to vote for someone else, and that they were sorry ("Its not a big post, you know." and all such justifications). I went inside, did my duty for the hostel, but somehow, the information was not dissipated among all the newly elected representatives, and while not voting for myself, I found myself elected. Big cheers!! I thought that I had committed some horrible crime, but then, it was no big deal. The scene at SAC was as it is every year: lots of people, most of them with no idea about things. And I was one of them, when came the news that Kara had won the SAC elections, but had lost the BSA GSecy election by one vote. But we made it up by winning the AIC elections within a month, and normalcy was restored. It was a scene of intense celebrations. Politics was treating me pretty well, but the only crutch came when I was NOT given the "Most Enthusiastic Fresher" Award. I thought I deserved it heads and shoulders above everyone else, but obviously, the powers to decide were not thinking the same way. Not that I havent gotten over it yet, but at that point of time it was pretty bad. And then we proceeded to the second year.

An article written a year ago

(This is an article I wrote for the Campus magazine a year ago. Just felt like posting it here. )

As I write down this article, I realise that it is the 78th last day of my undergraduate study in IIT Delhi. It has been almost four years, since I, along with 500-odd others, realised my long-cherished dream of studying at IIT. The past four years have been a beautiful learning experience, and I don’t mean academics when I say learning. These four years have taught me, and I believe many of my batch mates, a lot about life itself.
The most important thing that IIT Delhi has taught me is that whatever you do in life is independent of what your GPA is at IIT. I have seen five point someones with no hands-on experience of software, go and work in Software Engineering. I have seen nine pointers going to IIMA and start off on a totally new career field. And there have also been cases where six pointers have managed to do PhD or MS in their respective departments. However, this does not mean that GPA is not important. Its importance cannot be over-emphasised. All I am saying is that a bad GPA is not the end of the world, and a good GPA does not necessarily entail a good technological career.
And what is GPA anyways? Does it anyhow show the true worth of a person as an engineer? I would reckon no. Even though my GPA gives a very fair idea about how much (rather, how little) I know about engineering, a sad trend is that a great number of people with GPA greater than 7 don’t know much more than I do. A lot of my ‘seven pointers and above’ friends feel that their stay in IIT Delhi has been a waste of their four years as well as the taxpayer’s money. This is a disturbing observation. If the best people in the best institute of the country don’t know much about engineering, then who does?
The biggest problem with academics at IIT Delhi is that people who come here through JEE want to leave the intense study hours behind them, and want to enjoy life to the fullest. They feel that their future is secured and that they can now do all that they had missed in their preparation for JEE. Hence studies take a backseat and this leads to the concept of fraud, whereby IITians become experts in eking out the maximum output from minimum input. Only a very low percentage of the students are actually interested in engineering. And not all of them are nine pointers. There are some who are very interested in only a particular field of their study, and get A’s in these courses, but do badly in the rest. They don’t have particularly good GPA’s but their GPA is not a true indicator of either their interest or their technological skills.
The other important issue is that of the people in here (B.Tech at least) studying only for their grades. This is again a very serious observation which leads to people not exactly “understanding” what they are doing, and just cramming up and pouring out on the examination day. There have been nine pointers who have had virtually forgotten everything they have written down on paper after coming back from major. These people have mastered the act of studying for maximum gains. The system encourages them, what with the grading system here not taking into account the actual performances of students in the classrooms. The most common line in our resume reads “The stay at IIT Delhi has helped improve my analytical skills.” I believe there cannot be a bigger lie. My analytical skills have actually come down since the day I came to IIT Delhi. It might be due to my own shortcomings, but when this is the case with the majority, I believe the system might be at fault.
There are people who do nothing else but study all day, and they have low GPA’s. They are very interested in the technical field, but somehow they don’t manage to show it in the grade sheet. BTP is an ideal case in point. The grade in your BTP does not depend on the amount of work you can do, but the amount of work you can show.
Just as they say, “Money attracts money” I would like to add, “GPA attracts GPA”. A good GPA betters your chances of getting a good grade. That is why it is easier to stay at the top than to get there.
However, a good GPA is a must for many reasons. One, it helps to get you short listed for companies during your job hunt. And more importantly, it prevents you from getting sleepless nights trying to find the answer to “Why do you have such a low GPA?” which they ask you if somehow you have been short listed.
My contention is that the system should be revised so as to ensure that only people who actually deserve to be at the pinnacle in this technology institute get there. The grading system should be modified and there should be regular counselling available for different levels of students, especially for the five pointers. The importance of a good GPA should be made clear to all incoming students and there should be regular performance quizzes for continuous evaluation. Maybe then IIT Delhi can actually become a great centre for technical learning, as was envisaged by its founders. But till then, GPA shall remain more a case of fraud than genuine interest and hardwork.

The Best Of times, the worst of times

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times " wrote Charles Dickens in his The Tale of Two Cities, referring to the French Revolution. It could also refer to the past week and a half, where I have moved from highs to lows pretty alarmingly. It has been pretty hectic, at times funny, and at others, frustrating.
Last weekend saw a friend dropping by from Bangalore, and it was great to have the original "losers" back doing what they did best: Nightouting at Nescafe. It was fun-filled, and all the gaps caused by the separation after passing out from IITD, seemed to have been filled, albeit temporarily. For those particular eight hours, though, nothing else seemed to matter, except for the fact that the six of us were together after a long long time, and probably for the last time as well. So it is perhaps fitting that the last memory remains such a happy one.
Sunday I saw "Being Cyrus", which has to be one of the darkest movies in Bollywood in recent times. The direction is brilliant, and while the movie is fast, it also manages to raise certain questions about existentialism. What is good and what is bad? Is the guy narrating the story necessarily the "good" guy? The movie is not an attempt at widespread cinema, despite an impressive starcast, but it would have been great to have Naseeruddin Shah, who is, arguably, the finest "actor" in India today, take more screen space. The hiterhto unheralded Manoj Pahwa, who plays the patriach of the Parsi family, has come up with a great performance, as has the talented Boman Irani. Its great to see Saif Ali Khan groom as an actor. The leading ladies, Dimple Kapadia and Simone Singh, have also played their part pretty well. A must watch, if you dont mind thinking while watching a movie.
The following week at office was probably the worst time at work in my ten months. This was the week before 31st March, which meant I had to submit loads of bills to save chunks of tax. And then there were different projects, one of which even made me spend One Night at a Call Centre. Well, not exactly one night, but six hours, and it was an unforgettable experience. And no, I dont mean that in a positive sense. It was cramping, and pretty bad. This, coupled with my desire to stop working (and start writing full time) built in plenty of frustration, which heightened on Friday Night. I felt friendless. I wanted to run away, to break free from the world. I felt like disappearing, closing my Orkut and Yahoo accounts and deleting this blog. Somehow, I hung on, and I am glad I did.
The next day was April Fools Day, and while there was noone to play tricks on, I invented small tricks people could play. "How about telling a girl you love her on that day?" was a question I asked almost everyone I met. It was foolish, but when sometimes you feel so terribly alone, its all you can think of. Like they say, an empty mind is the home of the devil. The day felt so bad. Then came the night, and then there was light.
An impromptu plan of going to Rishikesh and rafting was made. There were six of us, and we hired a cab, and were out on the road at 1230 a.m. Sunday morning. We reached Rishikesh by 7, and after freshning up at a hotel and a quick breakfast, were out on the raft by 10 in the morning. It was great rafting down the Ganga, through rapids named Three Blind Mice and Golf Course. Seemed like a scene from movies. It was thrilling, and adventurous. I almost sometimes missed paddling while in the rapids because of the strong current, but the others, and the coach, more than made up for me. It was awesome, and adventurous. And tiring. We covered the entire journey from Delhi to Delhi in little under 22 hours. It was an altogether new experience, and it came at just about the right time.
Just when I was again planning to give up on life, had life thrown me a lifeline. Yet again. And this time I plan to use it to the fullest. I am going to try extra hard to remain happy, for whatever reason. I just realised I have more than enough reasons to be happy, and my friends and family is not the least among them.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. The trick of living life remains in prolonging the best and shortening the worst. That is the only way to live. It is all in the mind. You will be happy if you want to remain happy. There is just one key to feel happy. Let me say, when I am feeling low, just say "Let there be light." And then, let there be light.

Internal Conflicts

{A big thanks to Arnav, who woke me up in time for the IIMB interview, which otherwise I would have missed. And with it, missed an important lesson the interview taught).
I am finally over with all six of my interviews (five actually, I skipped I..isnt this a good line..I skipped I). Ideally, this should be a perfect time to relax. The mantra seems simple: sit back and wait for the results. Still a fortnight left till the R-day (Result Day). However, its easier said than done. These interviews have proved to be far more important to me than I thought they would. Especially the Bangalore one, in which the panellists quite explicitly told me that I wasnt meant for an MBA. And I kind of agreed. And they gave me a lot to think about, and I will be spending the next few days trying to analyse all that they said.
The IIMB interview started off again with a query on whether I was there earlier (I was, and the same panel member was there this time around as well). Then came the expected question about my GPA, which I think I handled pretty well. They also asked me about which business magazine I read, to which I honestly replied none. Then the question about passion (I had a strong sense of deja-vu) by the same professor who had asked it last year. And this time I was ready : writing, and NGO, which I also mentioned as my long time career-plans. And I also pretty much fit an MBA into those. Financial stability for pursuing a full-fledged writing career, and management training for running the NGO. Good, valid answers I think. And the person who had taken my interview last year seemed pretty much impressed with the transformation in me. Then the thunderbolt struck. For he then asked his colleague, a person with long, white beard (Seeing him reminded me of DNC, my course advisor for the first three years in IIT Delhi, who, after my first year, had advised me to run out of IIT Delhi and do something meaningful in life) if he wanted to assess me. And this is how he started. "You seem to be a bit confused about life, which is usual for your age. Is it true?" I said yes. Trying to be honest, they repeated continously. Then he started asking me arbit questions about Timbuktu and the source of the Nile, and I did not disappoint myself much there. He asked me about the battles of Panipat, and was quite surprised when I gave exactly the correct answers, and about where were the Ajanta-Ellora caves and the Chilka Lake. I knew it all. And then he asked me the location of the National Chemical Laboratory and the National Physical Laboratory, none of which I knew. Then came his most arbitary question "Where is Kocha Pody and why is it famous?" When I said I didnt know it, he said, "All I am trying to subtely tell you all along is that the kind of social general awareness that is needed for a management course is missing in you." And I was dumbfounded. What could I say? He went on to say, "You want to do noble things in life:writing and working with NGOs. These two things are directly opposite to what MBA preaches. If you follow an MBA now, you will lose passion for what you really want to do, and we as teachers dont want to do that. You have noble aspirations, join the London School of Journalism and follow your dream. Become Hari Kunzru, he is not an MBA. And he is earning money. Your heart does not call out for an MBA. You dont have to do an MBA just because your brother passed out from IIMA. (They actually repeated this line thrice the entire interview). Zubin has a different story. If you think that after a year or two, you still want an MBA, come back, otherwise follow your passion." And I believed him. My MBA dream lay in tatters, but I was happy by the time I got out. It was one of the best advises I had ever got from a teacher, up there with the "run away from IIT" advice (which, on hindsight, I should probably have followed). The complete advice then was this "IIT is not the place from you. You have cleared JEE, which means you have enough brains in you to earn money even if you get into politics. This place is not for people like you." How true words!
So well, by the time I came out of the IIMB interview, I was happy and sad. Happy because, for probably the first time in my life, I knew what I wanted to do. Sad because I was very sure that once more I had disappointed all those who wanted the best for me. And this is the internal conflict I am facing.
The main problem is that I am not a very good writer, which is something I want to follow whole-heartedly. On the other hand, I believe I have been god-gifted with a talent for numbers and am generally considered "bright", something that can really help me make a mark in Management. Without being too boastful, I think I do well in making a mark on people's lives as well, and all these attributes point to me having a successful career as an MBA graduate. In short, I think I can really be "successful" (as society defines successful) by doing an MBA course, something all my well-wishers want, and which will keep my parents and friends happy. On the other hand, it wont possibly keep me happy. I am not a very happy man, and like I was telling someone the other day, writing helps me put to rest all the frustrations I have. And these frustrations are not caused due to the job or anything else, but by the weight of people's expectations. I am trying so hard to meet them that I get frustrated at the end of it all. Or these bouts of frustrations are caused when I start expecting back from people, and those expectations are not met. Being a writer shall make me happy, and, being a person who does not neceesarily covet money, shall bring me fame. That is something which can help me in my plans for an NGO as well. It will be a lot more of hardwork being a writer than doing an MBA, but then things done with passion are that much easier to achieve. I have a living example in front of me, a man whom I have always looked up to him as being very brave and passionate. He did not take up a job and started taking dancing classes after his IITD degree. And today he has started climbing the ladder of success. To you, friend is dedicated this article, and my very slim hopes of becoming an author. I am not too sure if I can ever be that brave.
However, not being a good writer, I dont think I can be successful by following a writer career. And even though my parents dont depend on me for survival, I have some duties towards them, which by following a writing career, I will be neglecting. However, the original idea of going in for an MBA and then after going in for writing career, also seems to be impractical now, as the Professor was frank in saying. Knowing myself, I will agree. Working in an I Bank shall fuel in me a passion for more and more money, and I will lose this passion for writing. And neither will I be happy.
So then I face this internal conflict. Its probably a matter of counting chicken before they hatch, but do I do an MBA or not? There is a strong possibility of me not getting any call this year as well, but then, do I take CAT or GMAT next year? Or do I even continue with my job or do I start following my dream right away? Can somebody help me? If you can, please drop a comment. And please, try not to be anonymous.

But Life goes on

(I think I will regret writing this post later, when my mood becomes better. But I guess that is not going to be the case for a long, long time, and am ready to live in this natural self of mine rather than go and chase imaginary happiness).
I just realised I have been chasing imaginary happiness. I am a really avid thinker, and so I feel happy at the thought of chasing happiness, and become sad when I cant catch it.
Tomorrow is my last IIM interview, that of IIMB, and probably the most important. You might say A and C were the more important ones, but seeing my GPA, coupled with the fact that I have screwed up my C interview, I fancy B more than I otherwise would have. But tonight, I suddenly feel as if I have had a malaria attack. I mean, I have all the symptoms normally associated with one. My head is aching like hell, I feel cold in this hot weather, and my body temperature can burn this entire place down.
And, worst of the lot, I actually like falling sick, just before one of the most important tests of my career. Probably because it will give me a chance to explain as to how did I fail again in clearing the interviews. Not that anyone really cares about me clearing these exams, apart from my parents and my brother, but still people shall always be ready with questions about "how" and "why". And they will be very quick to express anguish over my non-performance, and about how much it has peeved them. While it actually wont affect them in any way, just like their success and failure shall not make any difference to my life. And this holds true for the best of friends I have.
Sad but true, because, contrary to popular perception, I am a very selfish person. I always want things to be done my way, and when things dont work out according to my plan, I become this grumbling person, as you see me now. My friends say they want me to be happy, but again they shall not do anything to make me happy. This is how friends go. You can always expect them to help you when you go upto them, but they shall never help you without you asking for their help.
I also realised today that I cannot ever be happy. I have a habit of ignoring things or relationships that come easily to me, and so I cant appreciate all the good things that I have. I can never appreciate the importance of being a Black Eye, of good friends, or of having such wonderful parents and brother. I am also too egoistic to fight for things that dont come easily to me. Sometimes, however, I do get that urge to fight for something, something I feel shall make me happy, but then I lose. Every single time. I have the irritating habit of crying about what I dont have rather than enjoying what I have. And that is something I just cant change. Also, I think I keep expecting a lot from people, which is again something I cannot change.
I have been lucky to have made some good friends in my lifetime, and being god-gifted with such relatives, but today I wish, I could break the bond with everyone of them. And go into a new world order, where noone would know me, expect anything out of me, and let me live my life the way I want to. Where I could skip tomorrow's interview and not be made to feel guilty about it later. Where I could just speak out my mind about everyone, and tell them how much pain has each of these relationships have given me. I am pretty much sure, I have pained them a lot more, but being the selfish person that I am, I dont care about that.
I just wish I could disappear tonight to some place unknown. And switch off my cell phone and shut off all emails, probably get a plastic surgery and change my name. But I also know I dont have the courage to do it all.
I have just wasted the past two hours of my sleep, trying not to breathe. And I havent succeeded in even that. So instead I started crying, for no reason at all. And along with it, I have been listening to the song "Zindagi Dene Waale Sun" by Talat Mahmood, the entire time. And if you are reading this before 8:00 A.M. (IST) on 22nd March, please call me up on my cell phone and wake me up. Again, I make the same mistake of expecting too much. Do you even care? Or do I even care about you caring?
The best thing about life is that nothing is too important for it. It goes on. This way or that.

Do I need to say anything more?

(Source : Simon & Garfunkel)
Does anyone need to say anything more? The best song of self-less love, if ever there is such a term.

When you're weary
Feeling small
When tears are in your eyes
I will dry them all

I'm on your side
When times get rough
And friends just can't be found
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down

When you're down and out
When you're on the street
When evening falls so hard
I will comfort you

I'll take your part
When darkness comes
And pain is all around
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down

Sail on Silver Girl,
Sail on by
Your time has come to shine
All your dreams are on their way

See how they shine
If you need a friend
I'm sailing right behind
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind

Two more interviews,RCA, Degree and quitting.

Two more interviews have passed since the last mail, and while they havent been half as exciting as the first one, I am pretty happy with the way those two interviews have turned out to be. The two interviews were K on the 6th and A today, and I think I have done pretty well in both of them. The only downslide though being that in both these interviews, there was one guy in the panel who had interviewed me before. And I had done badly in my interviews the past year. But I guess they must have had noticed the changes in me as well. I was much more confident, and happy this time around. And that I might make up for that disappointing performance this year. A lot depends on luck as well, but I am much more confident of making it this time around. Aided by the rather superstitious fact that I make it everywhere my brother goes on my second attempt. This happened in RIMC, then IITD, and now I just hope I make it a hatrick by going to IIMA. Touchwood !!!
Among the other events that have transpired during this week long period have been that Kara has won the RCA. It has been like a dream come true, and the only sad part is that it happened after I had passed out of the hostel. However, surprisingly, this feat hasnt brought me as much joy as I thought it would. I guess priorities change with time, and at this particular time, I have two other priorities far greater than Kara getting the RCA. Kara has managed to bag the best hostel trophy also this time around, and I plan to go to the BHM night function, just to finally see the tallest mountain ranges, standing up to its name.
Among other things, I have also been lucky enough to pass out of the institute, after having finally got my provisional degree. It now seems that the last strand of my long (probably too long for my own liking) relationship with IIT Delhi have been cut. And the sad thing is, I dont feel any nostalgia, which is kind of strange. I am probably helped by the fact that I am in Delhi, which assures that I come back to IIT atleast every weekend (I actually am a lot more frequent visitor). Probably moving to some other place (Ahmedabad, Bangalore, Calcutta hopefully) shall make me feel nostalgic about this place IIT.
It has been a pretty busy week, what with there being interviews, and parties. And I have finally decided to quit. Drinking that is. I realised finally, that alcohol makes me act stupid at times, and so I am ready to give it up. Especially because I am now very wary of doing stupid things while drunk, which can spoil all my relationships. And now I finally know what it takes to keep up a good relationship.
Like they asked me at the IIMA interview, I am happy, happier than I have been in a long long time. And I hope it stays that way. I know the reason of my happiness, and I hope the reason stays as well. Touchwood again!!

The IIML interview story

{This is a kind of story that should actually go into the PagalGuy forum. But neither am I a PG member, nor do I wish to become one. Moreover, this wasn't an actual interview in any regard. I was not going for the interview in the first place, because without a degree, it seemed a total waste. Please note that I am not interested in going to IIML ever, and view the below conversations in that light.}
GD topic : bureaucracy mantains status quo, long after the time, the quo has lost its status. There were 9 of us, and while everyone looked blank in the beginning, the GD turned out to be a pretty good one in the end, and everyone seemed pretty happy at the end of Round 1.
Interview: Main Characters : V (for Victim, me), P1 (Prosecutor 1, a North Indian, smart, friendly looking fellow), P2 (Prosecutor 2, a South Indian, with a horrible accent and a totally disinterested look).
Scene : IIFT, Room F-5, Panel -IV.
P1 comes out.
P1 : Zobin Joy.
V: Yes, Sir
P1 :Come in
(Both go in. P2 is waiting inside. P1 takes the application from P2, and sits on the chair).
P1: You have a nice smiling face.
V: Thank you, sir (Sits down).
P1: So did you have tea?
V: Yes, Sir.
P1: Which Brand of tea?
V (hearing it as which departmen): Electrical Engineering
P1: No no I asked which brand of tea?
V: ohh Sir..sorry..I didnt notice Sir.
P1 (reading the form): So, I see, you are interested in music.
V (bewildered, because he HASNT mentioned music anywhere): Yes Sir, I listen to music but I dont play any instrument.
P1 : So, you are from Delhi itself?
V: No, Sir, I belong to Dharamshala, HImachal Pradesh.
P1: Ohh..Then you know Mcleodgunj.
V: I stay in Mcleodgunj sir.
P1: U stay in Mcleodgunj?
V: No sir, not McleodGunj, but 15 kilometres downhill (Author's note: The correct answer is 20 kilometers, but who cares?).
P1: Dalai Lama.
V: Yes sir, I know the Dalai Lama. I have met him many times.
P1: Who is the next Dalai Lama?
(At this point, V takes centrestage. Explains about the Tibetian traditions, talks veer to the Panchen Lama and the Karmapa Lama, at the end of which V looks happy and confident, P1 looks enlightened and P2 is sleeping).
P1: So tell me your interests?
V: Sir, listening to music, reading, writing and quizzing
P1: What?
V: Sir, quizzing
P1: Ohh..quizzing? Okay...(Picks up a plastic water bottle). Tell me five non-conventional uses of this water bottle in one minute (Adjusts the minute in his mobile stop watch).
V: (Author's note : Please note that V is a male, that too from an engineering background. So the first thing that came to his mind, was the same as it comes to any male mind on hearing the same question. It is something I cant publish down here, and so, V definitely could not speak it out. And it took him 40 seconds to take that option from his mind. After which all he could come up with was ) umphhhh..
P1: See, for example, it can be used as a paper weight.
V: Yes Sir. (Mumbles two more uses, and is about to mumble a third, when P1 interrupts) 10 seconds left.
V(his mind again wavering to the first thing that came to his mind) umphh..
P1 : 5 seconds. (After five seconds) Time up. You could only tell me two uses, and then you say you do quizzing?
V: Sorry Sir.
P1: Okay you work in SPSS?
V: Yes Sir.
P1: Tell me the full form for SPSS?
V: Software for Packaging Statistical Systems (It is actually Statistical Packaging for Software Systems).
P1: If you dont know, just say dont know (This is the defining moment of the interview).
V: Yes Sir.
P1: Tell me one thing you can do in SPSS which you cannot do in Excel?
V: Sir, SPSS is faster, better..blah blah
P1 (interrupting): Tell me one thing you CANNOT do in Excel.
V (thinking hard..taking a lot of time): crosstab.
P1 (interrupting): Heard about labelling.
V: Yes Sir. (Then starts the second conversation about labelling, at the end of which V is confused and sad. P1 looks victorious, and P2 wakes up).
P2 (Picking up the form): So what happened to you in IIT? Why is your GPA so low?
V: Sir, to be very honest, I made a mistake; and by the time I realised it, it was too late.
P1 : Show me your certificates.
(V nervously shows the certificates, which dont have the degree in them. However, unknown to V, there is a transcript of a friend in the folder as well. P1 looks at it, but probably doesnt notice the name. Or if he does, doesnt show it. V gets goosebumps seeing the transcript coming out of nowhere, and it shows).
P2: SO you are from electrical Engineering Department?
V: Yes Sir.
P2: So you know about Power Sector?
V: Not much sir.
P2: So tell me about what reforms are taking place in Power Sector.
V: Sir, liberalisation.
P2: What else?
V: Dont know Sir.
P1: There was a big headlines in the newspaper regarding some power reforms in Delhi. What was it?
V: The Nuclear deal?
P1 (laughing): No. Dont you know?
V: I dont know Sir.
P1: Which companies supply power to Delhi.
V: Sir, Reliance and BSES.
P1: Which arm of Reliance provides power?
V: Sir, Reliance energy ofcourse.
P1: Are Reliance and BSES connected?
V: No, sir they are totally different competing companies providing power in different areas of Delhi.
P2: ohh..I see. Do u know about CRWC?
V: I dont know Sir.
P2: Who regulates power distribution in India?
V: Sir, the Indian Government.
P2: No, but they have set an autonomous body for the same. Which one?
V: Sir, I dont know.
P1: Okay tell me, which autoomous body is set up for regulating Telecommunications?
V: MTNL?
P1: No, its a service provider. A regulating body?
V: BSNL? No sir, I dont know
P1: Tell me one company producing power machinery in India.
V: ABB
P2: It is a foreing company. Tell me an INdian company.
V: Kirloskar.
P2:Okay, good. What does it make?
V: Heavy machines sir.
P2: Some PSU in the field?
V: Dont know sir.
P2: Okay tell me , do you know about budget?
V: Not much Sir.
P2 (exasparated): Tell me what do you read in business papers?
V: Sir, to be very honest, I dont read business papers.
P2 (losing cool): Tell me why do you want to do an MBA?
V (smiling) : Sir, because I want to open my own company in the consulting sector, that
P2 (interrupting): So you think you can do that without some business inputs?
V : No sir, I am just starting. Hopefully I will improve.
P1: Okay Zubin. You may leave now.
V: Thank you Sir.
P1: By the way, whats your percentile.
V (smiling):99.94 Sir.
P1: All calls?
V: Yes Sir.
Thank You Sir.
{And thus V came out. The curtains fall upon any chances of making it to IIML this year around).

Happiness and love

[I am not a particularly happy man, as people reading this page regularly will testify. I am too much of a thinker, and am always finding excuses about life. But now, things have started changing, and I am much happier today than in a long, long time].
There are many reasons for this happiness. I have just good a pretty good appraisal from the company I work with. Again, I have gotten three good reccomendation letters for IIM Bangalore, which makes me take a good shot towards it. Again I have the kind of confidence to go and crack these six interviews, even though I havent done ANY sort of preparation for it. I guess this confidence comes along with you work-ex. The past year, has been a great teacher, and I guess I have learnt a lot from it. And just the thought of being so much wiser than last year makes me happy.
The greatest reason, though, for this happiness, has been something else. It is, probably, hanging out with the kind of people you want to, who try to understand you, and you try to understand them. Happiness is about spending time with people you really want to be with all the time.
Going through a very popular blog, I read, "I can't say what love is, but there are several things that love certainly isn't." But, now thinking back, I can probably say what love is. Its suddenly realising that there could be no greater happiness in life than if you were to spend your whole life with a certain person. Or that, after a tough day in office, all you could wish for is to hear that one voice. Or wishing that time would stop whenever you are alone with that person.
When all you wish you could write/sing/play songs like Yellow /Fields of Gold/At my Most Beautiful to that special person. And knowing that he/she too loves you, without having to hear it in the first place. Love is happiness, and happiness is love.

A few sorries..and a thank you

Its another time of introspection: someone has just described me thus: "one person whom I will give the most abuses when I pass out of IIT in three months time. " And the bigger thing is, he told me in the face about it, and I was left speechless with this attack. For he accused me of spoiling everything he had ever tried to achieve in the four years I have known him. Without reason as well, he said. And I had thought him to be one of my good juniors.
And two days before, I got a phone call from a friend, with whom I had a love-hate relationship for four years. And he accused me as well, of never trying to understand him, and always holding him in the wrong. He was badly drunk, and cried about me never had considered him a friend. When, he said, he had regarded me a friend all through.
It seems I have been hit by a cannonball. I thought that the best thing about myself was that I could be a good friend to people. And today, even that illusion has been shattered. I thought I would never let anyone down. And now I realise that I have managed to alienate so many people from my lives, people who could have been my good friends, but whom I lost because I was mean. Or maybe, I was just plainly confused. I have all through believed passionately that the greatest gift that IIT provided me with was the respect of people. I always thought that, my loser status notwithstanding, I was liked by people, which is all that mattered to me. And now people say things like this. It hurts more than all the slaps that my mother used to hit me when I was a child.
This post is my apology to all those who have ever been hurt by me. Trust me, I never did that on purpose; and while I find it hard to apologise, I am apologising now: for being selfish, for being confused, and for not understanding people. I also hope to stay out of any controversy from now on, and just hope that people shall try forgiving me for all that I have ever done.
This poet is also a thank you for someone, being with whom has been a special treat, and has made me feel better about myself than I have ever felt. I believe in myself a lot more than I ever have. And such comments hurt a lot less than they would have otherwise. Thank you.
The other thing that I like about myself is that I have started inspiring people through this blog. A lot of people have been inspired by me to start writing, and I take it as a good sign. The latest to join the bandwagon is a junior, who writes this in his first post:"read many blogs before writing this one and i found that blogs are a portrayal of one's personality . I got to learn many things from blogs like main fundaa of success is setting up a question for yourself and finding answer to it ......... and many more". And guess where he got this fundaa of success? Any guesses?
I once wrote a post titled, "A post a day keeps the frustration away". It has never been truer. And I already feel much better.