Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Mahabharata 8: The birth of Krishna

While all the sex was happening in the Paurava side of the Yayati family, the Yadavas were not too behind. The Yadavas had broken down into many different families of their own by the time of the Mahabharat. One of these families was the kingdom of Mathura, run by King Ugrasen, and by his son Kamsa. The other prominent Yadav family was that of King Shoorsen (the real father of Kunti), and his son Vasudeva. Vasudeva had many wives, and was a good friend of Kamsa, who was a great warrior but was also a cruel ruler. He was also terribly lazy, so instead of the hunting ploy used by the Hastinapur kings, Kamsa used to devour the tastiest virgins of his kingdom by force in his own palace, sending his soldiers out to get them. And is it turns out, he was not very smart or anything, and he really liked to torture his 'catch' during the entire night. The citizens of the kingdom were often tortured, and their daughters were always in danger of being raped, but the king Ugrasen could do nothing about preventing his son's growing power. Kamsa, to his credit, had positioned Mathura as the dominant Yadava kingdom, and his marriage to the daughters of Jarasandha, the powerful king of Magadha, had managed to make him even more powerful. All Yadavas were afraid of him and the torture he meted out to those against him. So Vasudeva decided, in the interest of all the Yadavas to tell him that enough was enough, and that he should stop being such a tyrant on his citizens.
The Yadavas had the custom of having many wives. Vasudeva was a much married man (he already had seven other wives and had a good time - Yadavas, unlike the Pauravas believed in polygamy) and while he waited for a one to one with Kamsa on the matter of his cruelty, chanced to see Kamsa's cousin Devaki, barely eighteen then, (and from what we hear - pretty hot and sexy) and got a good hard-on seeing her. Knowing however, that he was not a Tom Cruise, when Kamsa finally came (after raping another virgin, he told him , "You know Kamsa, we have been such great friends. Why don't we become relatives as well."
Kamsa:"That's great. Which of your sisters can I marry? I have heard a lot about Kunti, the one your father gave away. Heard she has turned into a great beauty. It will be great to have her." Vasudeva: "No, no, Kamsa, I cannot get Kunti married. She is now the adopted daughter of Kuntibhoja, but..."
Kamsa: "..What about your other sisters then? Can't I marry any of them? They are all hot, from what I hear."
Vasudeva: "But they all are already married. And moreover, I came to talk about my marriage, not yours."
Kamsa: "Your marriage? But you are already married, and that too seven times, aren't you, while I am married only twice - and that too largely being political wedocks - to the daughters of Jaransadha? What are you proposing though, by the way?"
Vasudeva: "You know about your cousin, the daughter of your father's younger brother, Devaki. Has not she just turned eighteeen? And what better husband for her than your very good friend, me. I will keep her so happy (and she will keep me so happy as well), and it will be a grand wedding. Moreover, the kingdoms of Shoorsen and Ugrasen will unite."
Kamsa (pondering for a while): "What you say makes sense, Vasudeva. We can arrange for your marriage to Devaki. Is it why you came all the way? To ask for Devaki's hand?"
Vasudeva: "And there is another small matter, Kamsa. The citizens of your kingdom are tired. You are all powerful, as you are, but could you be a little less cruel to your subjects?"
Kamsa: "Are you telling me to change my intrinsic nature? Then that is not possible. And the marriage can be re-negotiated if you want."
Vasudeva: "No no, forget it. I had come to ask for Devaki's hand."
Kamsa: "It is yours, my friend - and infact is all of her body (evil grin). Let us have a grand wedding."
Vasudeva: "But what about Devaki's consent. Will she agree?"
Kamsa: "How does her consent matter? She will marry wherever I tell her to marry, and that's that. " (Calls his minister): "Begin the preparation for the grand wedding."
And so there was a great wedding. Kamsa proved to be the ideal brother, hosting the lavish affair. It is said it could put Laxmi Niwas Mittal's daughter marriage to shame. Great many maidens were given as gifts to the guests, and all citizens of Mathura were to provide all their produce to cater for the wedding. All was going well for Vasudeva - the wedding was complete, and Kamsa was drawing the chariot to take the two when tragedy stuck, through an Aakashwani, which said: "Kamsa, the eighth son of Devaki will be a cause of your downfall." Hearing this, Kamsa pulled out his sword and proceeded to kill Devaki herself, but was stopped by Vasudeva, who promised to send the eighth born of Devaki to Kamsa as soon as he was born, for Kamsa to kill him. However, Kamsa, being the cruel ruler that he was, also demanded that all of Devaki's sons be brought to him, which was agreed to immediately by the horny Vasudeva.
Anything I can do to let me screw your cousin sister." And so off they went, Devaki and Vasudeva, to the kingdom of Shoorsen, where Devaki lived as the eighth wife of Vasudeva. And though Vasudeva divided his time among his wives, he was a bit more affectionate towards Devaki, who got pregnant in quick time. A son was born, who was carried off to Kamsa, who mercilessly killed the child. As time went by, Kamsa got more and more threatened by the yet to be born child, and killed off six of Devaki's sons, as soon as they were born. By this time, Kamsa had also managed to annex Shoorsen's and other Yadavas kingdoms for himself. He even took full control of the kingdom of Mathura, taking his own father as a prisoner and also made Vasudeva and Devaki prisoners. He had them put under the darkest cell of his prison, and had his best security guards to guard them from escaping. What really rattles everyone in this story is, as to why did he allow Devaki and Vasudeva to be together all this while - to let them produce six offsprings? Well, after much research, I have come to the conclusion that the Aakashwani mentioned just Devaki's son and she might have had other kids, who were not technically Vasudeva's. You get what I mean, right? So well, Kamsa was not as stupid as might look at first sight. He allowed them their pleasures, but kept his eye firmly on Devaki's stomach. (That's a metaphor, btw). And so there were news that Devaki was pregnant with her seventh child, but with a bit of divine intervention involved, the womb was transferred from Devaki to Rohini, the eldest of Vasudeva's wives, who had escaped Kamsa's rage by living as a common villager in Nand Gaon, a suburb of Mathura. (Heard of surrogate mothers- we Indians had it all before the west even started). Meanwhile it was reported to Kamsa that Devaki's seventh child was born dead. As it turned out, the kid that grew up in Rohini's womb grew up to be Balarama, considered to be an incarnation of the SheshNag. Meanwhile, Devaki got impregnated again (with the eighth child), around the same time that Kunti was carrying Arjun in her womb, and this time the kid was born in the prison itself, but somehow (with divine help again) managed to escape from prison as soon as he was born. He was taken by Vasudeva, (who came back to the prison to decieve Kamsa) , to the house of Nand in Nand Gaon, where he was named Krishna, and adopted by Nand's wife, Yashodha. Krishna is believed by many to be an incarnation of the God Vishnu himself. As it passed, Kamsa knew he had been fooled, and went on a manhunt to capture Krishna, and sent many demons as well, but Krishna, helped by Balarama, managed to kill them all, and finally killed Kamsa himself - to fulfil the prophecy. And Ugrasen again became the new king of Mathura, while Krishna and Balarama became princes. Order was restored - for now. Krishna and Balarama grew up as Yadava princes, the cousins of Pandavas through Kunti.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Mahabharata 7 : The Kauravas and the Pandavas

Remember the saying "Jungle mein Mangal". Now, Mangal refers to the planet Mars and Tuesday which as all astrologers will tell you, refers to number 3. Tuesday is the third day of the week, Mars is the third nearest planet from the sun (excluding Earth), and is also the third smallest planet. So well the origin of the saying is also from the Mahabharat, or rather the fest that I am not going to describe here, as children and girls might be reading this, but to cater to the larger male dominated market, let me just say that Pandu, Madri and Kunti indulged in positions which made it to the new edition of Kamasutra because even the sages had not thought of them. (For all those of you who think that Vatsyayana wrote the Kamasutra, here is the truth - Kamasutra was a magazine long before Vatsyayana, compiled by sages. Vatsayana just brought out a bounded cover copy of the same, a long time after Mahabharat, and rated these new positions - of threesome with two innovative women and a man- the highest). All this while, because Kunti and Madri were still below 20 (which was considered the healthy age for a girl to get pregnant), Pandu wore a condom. All this sex was acting as a relaxant after all those conquests and battles, and Pandu was ready to go back to rule his kingdom, when tragedy stuck. One day, while hunting (and contrary to his forefathers - Pandu hunted only for the thrill of killing animals, for he had the two sexiest beauties waiting for him back home), Pandu saw this mating deer couple. Now, as the relationship between Pandu and his two wives was so sex-crazy, Pandu thought a dead dear couple mating in the bedroom would be a good simulant to have sex (no they did not have 7x porn those days, but people's preference have not changed since), and so decided to kill them both with one arrow. As soon as the arrow stuck the deer and doe, however, they changed form, revealing a sage mating with his wife. (Sages knew a lot those days - they could change form as wll, in case you were wondering), and yells of human pain and suffering filled the entire jungle. Pandu was shocked, and as soon as he reached the sage begged for forgiveness. But the sage was livid and dying, along with his wife, and it is very difficult to placate an angry sage, dying or otherwise. And here comes the most sex filled last words ever.
Sage : O Pandu, I was mating with my wife, because she was feeling horny (now, you know where does that word come from - horny means with horns). We try sex turning into different animals, and it was always great. But you have ruined it.
Pandu: Sir, I am really sorry, I did not know you were a sage, I thought you were but a deer and doe mating, and there are no anti-poaching laws yet (and even if they are, I will repeal them), but can you teach me how to do this - i will turn into a horse - for obvious reasons.
Sage: Fuck you, Pandu (Or wait, Never fuck you!). You killed me at my most intimate moment with my wife. I am dying Pandu, and all because of you. Because I am a sage and I have the power to do it, let me curse you. I curse you that, because you killed me when I was having sex with my wife, the next time you have sex with yours - no wait, not your wife, but rather any woman - you will get a heart attack and die. And I even include kissing.
Pandu: No sir, I am really sorry, but I did it inadvertently. Please don't let me through this. I will die.
Sage : That is the whole point dude. (and so dies the sage, along with his wife).
Pandu gets back, tells his wives the whole story and says - "now what is the point in living, I will rather die. I don't want to go back to my kingdom. I will spend the rest of my life here. No sex, no life, and what will I do. And I cannot even fuck you two beauties anymore. So you too can leave now if you want - but I have decided I like it better here. It is healthy and moreover, I can cancel that deal with Vidur".
Kunti :"Which deal?"
Pandu :"Well it was nothing, but I have decided, I am staying here. You two can decide for yourself, but it will be better if you leave and take new husbands - I will myself vouch for your talent as loving and caring wives, with extra stress on loving (Wink)."
Kunti: "bastard, you fucked us both. Metaphorically, I mean. What will we do? We can leave you but then who else will marry us? Everyone prefers virgins, not divorced women like us. So what do we do - We married the MEB of his time, and now see. Hey God, why do I have to go through all this? Help me."
All Gods (Together): "which one is she calling - Do we all go?"
Sun God :"This is not the mantra, you horny bastards. The mantra is in Sanskrit. You will know when you are called. Right now, she is just crying."
All Gods : "Oh, shit. OK"
Madri: "Kunti sister - let us stay with him. Having us around and not being able to fuck us will complicate his misery. Anyways, the way these people at Hastinapur look at me freak me out. Also I like it here - I was never much of a city girl anyways."
Kunti: "But I loved the city. This is not done. But otherwise history will call me a bitch, so I will also stay. But then who rules the kingdom?"
Pandu: "My elder brother, Dhritrashtra of course. I will send a telegram soon telling them we are not coming back. Make Dhritrashtra the king. Anyway I am not going to have any sons now."
The news was recieved in Hastinapur with mixed emotions. While Dhritrashtra was very happy, Vidura was sad. Bhishma and the other elders decided that everything happens for the best and made Dhritrashtra the king and Gandhari the queen of Hastinapur.
Meanwhile in the jungle, Vidur came visiting Pandu, and reminded him of the deal. Pandu said "but now I am no longer the king, and so the deal stands cancelled. "
Vidur:"But you were the king, and so I did my part, and now I just ask for my payment. Anyways you might give a thousand arguments, but I am not the wisest person in these parts for nothing. I will have an answer to all those. So just compile by your promise."
Pandu:"All right, you got me there. Kunti come out."
Kunti: "What is it? I am busy with Madri. Okay, aahhh, I am coming" (Wow - what a pun, she thought).
Pandu: "I have to talk with you. I had a deal with Vidur, he helps me become the king, I let him father my first child. Now that today is your 20th birthday, he is here to fulfil the obligation. The first Pandava (Son of Pandu) which actually be son of Vidur, and he will be the only one. But noone can know about it."
Kunti: "What kind of a cuckold are you, Pandu? I was just going to tell you a secret - I have a mantra with which I can seduce Gods, and all you want me is to sleep with your younger step brother. This is not done - I had rather sleep with Gods, if you don't have a problem, rather I will do it even if you have a problem."
Suddenly Ved Vyas appears upon the scene, in the jungle from nowhere. Pandu, Vidur, Kunti and Madri get up to greet him, and Ved Vyas says, "I know all about Kunti's boom from Sage Durvasa. I know she can be bedded by any God, but Vidur is himself the incarnate of Dharam (Yama - the God of Death). It is a long story, but I will still tell it to you. Once Yama sent a sage to hell, and when the sage asked that why, after living such a pious life, should he be condemned to hell, Yama told him, "You were a very pious man, but in your childhood you killed and tortured many insects. It is a result of those sins. " And the sage, although dead, was still a sage, and so he cursed Yama that because Yama had judged his actions no-justly, Yama was to live on earth for one full generation. (Living on Earth is a curse for Gods staying in heaven). So Vidur is that incarnate. Or well, maybe he isn't but just to make the story interesting, I will make him an incarnation of Yama. And well if Kunti beds him, the child born out of the wedlock (!) will be called Dharamputra, and the way I will write this story will make it seem as if she bedded the Dharam God itself. You know I love Vidur the most among my three sons. I can do anything for him. Infact, I am going to immortalize you all by writing about you in my fictional book, which I have decided to name Mahabharata. And Vidur will be always on the right side - don't you guys worry."
Pandu, Vidur, Kunti and Madri (totally flabbergasted) : "Okay - whatever." And Vyas goes out.
Vidur: "So Kunti, is this that time of the month?"
Kunti: "Yes it is. Let us go."
Pandu: "Yes, you two enjoy as much, but I want to watch."
Madri: "Pandu, can I join them? You know I love threesomes."
Pandu: "No Madri, you can have all the lesbian with Kunti, but to see you with another man will kill me. You are my favourite wife. But you can watch them with me, but please don't touch me."
And Vidur had the time of his life with Kunti, who after the blazing Sun God, and the persistent Pandu with Madri, didn't really enjoy it much. So she decided, once this is done, it is going to be the real Gods - incarnations won't do.
And so Kunti got pregnant, with Vyasa telling Bhishma, Dhritrashtra and the elders at Hastinapur that the son to be born was the "gift" of Yama . Meanwhile, Gandhari had already announced her pregnancy to Hastinapur, which was awaiting its heir. However, nine months passed by, and nothing happened. The lump in Gandhari's stomach just grew, and she did not even feel the labour pangs. On the other hand, Kunti delivered a healthy boy, a boy they called Yudhishtra. Hearing of the birth of Yudishtra, Gandhari got totally psyched, and being the masochistic being she was, started hitting her bulging stomach, which led to a big mass of meat out from her vagina. She then started wailing - the thing she did best, and tried cutting her veins, before Ved Vyas appeared out of nowhere - now you know who is the real hero of the story.
Being a great sage, Ved Vyas took the lump of mass, divided it into a hundred and one pieces, and put them into different pots. He read some mantras into the pots, and told Gandhari that everything will be all right, and took her to a psychiatrist, where Gandhari stayed for an year. Meanwhile just six months after the birth of Yudishtra, Kunti told Pandu that she had enough of lesbian sex, and that she wanted a real man (or God) - Vidura won't do. Pandu agreed on the condition that he be allowed to watch them in the act, to which Kunti agreed, and on a windy day, seduced the wind god, Vayu, through the mantra. (Just her bad luck that she got really horny on days that were the in days for her - if you know what I mean). It was a night of wild passion, the petite Kunti under the strong Vayu, and turned Pandu on a great deal, though it was too much for Kunti to bear. "Next time it will be someone gentle." This one night stand produced the powerful Bhim after a whole nine months. (Ved Vyas in Hastinapur: "Kunti got another child gifted by the wind God"). A day after Bhim was born, Gandhari came back presumably cured and the first of the 101 pots opened in Hastinapur, and out came a child, Duryodhana, the first of the Kauravas . The next day, another pot cracked and a new child, Dushasan came out. Every day since, a pot opened for the next hundred days, culminating in the birth of Dushala - the 101st child, and the only girl among them. These 100 boys came to be called Kauravas, the heirs of Kuru, a great king in this lineage. Duryodhana was the leader being the eldest, albeit by only a single day. Moreover, while Gandhari was getting psychiatric lessons, and was away, Drithrashtra, had a single night stand with a slave, and foolishly got her pregnant, producing a prince who was called Yuyutsu, who was just a day younger to Duryodhana.
Kunti got horny again on a rainy day and called the rain god, Indra, who was also the king of the demi gods, into her bed. Pandu was there on watch again, doing well the only thing he could do now - masturbate. This was the second best sex Kunti ever had (after the Sun God, Surya), and she didnt want Indra to go, but he being a God, had to. This act culminated in the birth of Arjuna, considered to be among the foremost archers of his time. (By this time, you probably know what Ved Vyas told back in Hastinapur).
All this time, Madri was feeling left out, and so decided to ask Pandu's permission to bed someone herself. Pandu was aghast, explaining that she was his dearer wife, and if she was to go slutty, what would he be left with. But well, Kunti could understand Madri's frustration, and persuaded Pandu to give her one chance, and after much cajoling, Pandu agreed, but just one time, he said, and he also forbade Kunti from having any more outsiders. Kunti told her the secret Mantra, which Madri used, in all intelligence, on the twin Gods, Ashwini Kumars, the gods of medicine. (Madri had some pretty good fantasies, you see). This led to the birth of Nakula and Sahadeva, twin brothers, and sons of Madri. ( You must have figured out what news reached Hastinapur).
So now in case you are confused by this time, we have 100 Kauravas growing in Hastinapur, living in the comfort of the princely life, along with Yuyutsu and Dushala, while we have five children of different mothers and fathers, who were often teased by other children in the jungle about their parentage. To offend these five, someone proposed the name Pandavas (sons of Pandu), and the name stuck to them. (This is an old trick - giving someone name what he really is not). And so came the Kauravas and the Pandavas.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Mahabhrata - 6 : Gandhari, Kunti and Madri

The three princes all had different gifts. While Dhritrashtra was blind, he was very intelligent and physically strong. Pandu was pale but very handsome and was to become a great archer. Vidur, while not being physically very active, was very wise, and became an excellent strategist. So, when the three princes finished their training, it was time to choose a heir to the throne.
Having Pandu as the commander of the army, and Vidur as the Chief Minister, Dhritrashtra was expected to be given the kingdom as he was the eldest son. However, Pandu and Vidur had a secret deal (something which will be revealed later), and while the choice was being made by Satyavati, the two mothers-sisters-wives (Ambika and Ambalika) and Bhishma, Vidur stepped in, and said, "Strategy tells that the king is the symbol of the nation. Having a blind king will not give a nice image to our neighbours in this time of Bharatization. They will think of Hastinapur to be weak. Moreover, internally also crime might rise. Hence, it will not be a nice idea to make Dhritrashtra the king. Make Pandu the king, and we can have Dhritrashtra as his main advisor. I will go now" (and he exits). Satyavati (to Bhishma) :" What Vidur said was right, Pandu will probably make a better king, but it will be so unfair on Dhritrashtra, Is it his fault that he was blind?"
Ambika : "All right, you have reproached me enough, it was my fault. I am sorry. But what you told me was that I was going to have sex with my brother-in-law, and I thought it would be with Bhishma, it greatly excited me. So imagine my surprise when I found out it was the ugly ogre, and I could never take him without keeping my eyes closed. Ask Ambalika how she felt, who you instructed to keep her eyes open" ."It has been a long time, mother-in-law, but still I almost faint when I think about your ugly son. People say he has become a great sage, but he still needs lessons in sex. He was not sensitive at all, so unlike my Vichu. Mother, you could have persuaded Bhishma - he would be a nice fuck" agreed Ambalika. All this time, Bhishma was thinking, "just what all could I have achieved was I not gay", but he stayed quiet. Satyavati : "Shameless women, stop talking about your sexual encounters in front of your elder brother-in-law men. I have made my decision. Pandu is going to be the new king. Dhritrashtra is going to be his advisor, while Vidur will be made the Chief Minister. Bhishma will be there to oversee that everything is going fine." And so that was that. Pandu became the new king, and the next task that fell to Bhishma was to arrange for the marriages of the two princes. (He had a lot of experience in that) (Vidur, technically, could not be married to a princess). But which princess would want to marry the blind prince Dhritrashtra? He searched far and wide, finally learning about this princess who was away from material things, was very beautiful but moody and liked shutting herself off from the world. Some even rumoured she was psychologically depressed, had tried to commit suicide and was masochistic, and this is who Bhishma chose as Dhritrashtra's wife. This was princess Gandhari, the daughter of the king of Gandhar and the sister of Shakuni - widely considered to be the real villian of the Mahabharat.
When Gandhari's hand was asked for marriage by Bhishma, Shakuni and Gandhar agreed, thinking their sister was going to be King Pandu's wife. However, when they were told that it was a match for the blind prince, both refused out-rightly.
Shakuni: "Bhishma, we cannot agree to this match, my sister is so talented and beautiful, and is versed with the Vedas. She will have a million suitors. Why should we marry him off to your blind nephew. Why did you not ask her hand for Pandu?"
Bhishma: "Because, quite simply, it is rumoured that your sister is also depressed and masochistic. She can become a pain in the ass for a more able husband. With Dhritrashtra also being like her (being blind he also rambles and complains all day - especially now that he has not become the king) , she can actually feel better about herself. Moreover, if I spread this rumour, and coming from me, it will sound true, no one will marry her. So what is your choice?"
Gandhar: "You have us here, Bhishma, you are pretty smart. Gandhari, come out." (He goes in)
Gandhari: "What is it dad? I am cutting my veins."
Gandhar: "We are getting you married."
Gandhari: "I told you, I don't want to get married. It is supposed to be nice - and I hate nice. I am masochistic, you know"
Gandhar: "But this time, it is to a blind man, Dhritrashtra."
Gandhari: "Really, wow, dad it is so cool. I would love it. What is better than this - being married to a blind man. Moreover, to increase my suffering, I will put on a band on my eyes, and not remove them. You know, how much I hate looking at this world - it is full of dumb people. And think, what all can I tell people - I did it because of my husband. Then it will be like a wedding of two blind people. Moreover I will be immortalized in history. I love this plan."
Gandhar: "Do whatever, I am sending you off with Bhishma, Shakuni is coming with you. Have a great wedding." Gandhari:"Thanks again, dad".
Gandhar (To Shakuni): "I think we got a good deal here. "
Shakuni: "No dad, even if we did, Bhishma defeated me in negotiations, and I hate losing. I will take revenge. I will defeat him sometime."
And so Gandhari is married to Dhritrashtram with great pomp and show, living with her eyes closed with a white band, becoming an epitome of Sati-Savitri in the later generations.
Meanwhile, Pandu had left to attend the swayamvara of Kunti, who was the most beautiful princess of that time and the daughter of king Kuntibhoj. She was actually the daughter of king Shoorsen (who was also paternal grandfather of Krishna), and was named Pritha, but she was adopted by the childless Kuntibhoj (who was best friends with Shoorsen) when she was yet a child and so the name Kunti stuck. Kunti grew up to be an obedient daughter, and so was very heartbroken to be told by Kuntibhoj, on her 16th birthday, that her parents were not her actual parents, and that her real parents had given her up. She was also told, in the same vein, that the famous sage Durvasa, who was famed for his anger, had decided to put his ass in their kingdom and that, as the eldest daughter of the household, it was her responsibility to see that Durvasa got everything he wanted. Kunti knew what that meant - Kunti for the next one year, was to become a slave for Durvasa, fulfilling his every fantasy - but she accepted, for she too wanted to experience sex. After an year, on her 17th birthday, Durvasa said, "I have had enough fun with you. You have given me great BJ's, and I have had the wildest sex with you. The condom that I have used also ensures that you will have no children from sex with me.I am very happy with you. I have to leave now, becuase that is why we are called sages. However, before going I will offer you two gifts - I will restore your virginity. Moreover, I think your pussy is the one which is made for the gods, hence I will give you a secret mantra through which you will be able to have sex with Gods of your choice. You can have all the divine sex you want. However, there is a small catch - Gods dont use condoms, so be careful. " "Yeah, I wanted to be a bad girl. Thanks o rishi - I will exercise discretion" said Kunti, and that was the end of that.
So on her 17th birthday, Durvasa left, arming Kunti with a secret mantra. She was alone now, remembering the crazy things Durvasa had done to her, and she also used to pleasure herself. However, one day all alone, she was in the act when she saw the setting sun and got dreaming about the Sun-god skimming her juices, and she chanted the mantra remembering the Sun god. And lo, in front of her, in flesh, was the sun himself, so handsome. Kunti:"Right now, I have those days of the month, you know. I was just testing this secret mantra, and guess what it works. So now see, I want you, but not now. So I will call you later, and we can have fun. Or if you have a condom, come and lets play."
Sun God : "Condom - what is that? Stop the talk and come lets play." And he gets naked, after which Kunti had trouble remembering anything but pure ecstasy. She forgets all about her periods, and the next thing she remembers, is the sun waking up and saying, "its time for me to rise, and you too. I think the way we hit off was great. I know now you are gonna be pregnant with my son, who is going to be the greatest warrior ever. Name him Karna, and I think he will be born with natural kavach (armour) and kundal (earrings). You know - I am a God, I can do anything, so I also restore your virginity, so enjoy."
Kunti : "But what about the world, what will people say about an unmarried mother?"
Sun: " That is your problem. And yeah - havent you heard the ultimate abortion song. If you havent, I love singing it - Yeh waqt nahin hai, ..."
Kunti: "Yes I have, I think it is boring. So if you dont care about the child, neither do I. I will abort him."
Sun: " You cannot abort my son, bitch. If you do, I will burn you down with my rays. Do you want that. Think of some other way. And now that the rooster has cuckooed , time to go."
Kunti: "Bye, I have thought of a way. This was great - will you come back again?"
Sun : "Can't even if I want to. Didn't Durvasa tell you this works only for one night, with one god."
Kunti: "Shit, he duped me." (And Surya disappeared as suddenly as he had come).
All through her pregnancy she stayed away from the public, and even her own foster parents didn't know what was wrong with her. She decided to act normally, but when her belly grew, she decided to hide from her parents, by telling them she was going on a trip with friends. And she found accomodation in a hut, and there delivered Karna, who was born with Kavach and Kundal. As soon as Karna was born, Kunti took him on the banks of the Ganga, placed the child on a basket, and let him afloat - "I am sorry to do this, but you know, I am a virgin, and I am not supposed to carry a child - what will people say?" And off went Karna, carried by the waves of the Ganga.
Meanwhile, Kunti came back, and started living her pre-Durvasa life, and at her 20th birthday, her foster parents announced, "We are going to arrange your swayamvara. You are so beautiful, you are going to make every prince in India want you, but just look out for the king of Hastinapur - heard he is the MEB around." and she replied, "sure". And so her swayamvara was announced, which witnessed kings and princes from all around India. Pandu was also there, having tanned himself through a new tanning machine. He was the most eligible bachelor around, and with the paleness hidden, looked pretty handsome. So Kunti chose him over the others, and off they were married in great pomp and show. And Pandu brought her to Hastinapur as the new queen.
However, for whatever protection Kunti took, the rumours flew, and Bhishma heard them about Kunti's character, her one night stand with the sun-god and her later pregnancy. He thought, "I will confirm the story." But before he could, Pandu had already gotten married to her, and Bhishma was aghast. He decided to keep the secret within himself, (about Kunti's pregnancy), "Another bitch in the family, why are all straight men in this household cuckolds?" And he thought, "I need another good wife for Pandu - never before has anyone in this family ever got a wife without my help, and I am really good at this job and moreover, I love being the matchmaker". So Bhishma had Pandu marry Madri, the sister of King Shalya, the king of Madras region, in that time. In part, this was part of a treaty between Hastinapur and Madras. Pandu got many lands from Shalya and also got Madri, while Pandu drew away Shalya's enemies, and annexed their kingdoms. Madri was a sizzling hot young piece, and when Pandu returned from the annexations, with Madri at her size, Kunti was aggrieved, but the love making abilities of Madri soon won her over. Madri specialized in lesbian sex, and had soon made Kunti swooning for her. The three of them (Pandu, Madri and Kunti) indulged in threesomes like no tomorrow, and Pandu decided to take a break from ruling the kingdom, and decided to go on honeymoon, with his two new wives, making Dhritrashtra the king in his stead. And that is when Dhritrashtra's ambiition was fuelled, leading to the Mahabharat.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Mahabharata - 5: The birth of Pandu, Dhritrashtra and Vidur

Vichitravirya became a king at a very young age and as such was dominated by his foster brother Bhishma, and his mother Satyavati. Vichitravirya, meanwhile, had just reached the age when people start learning about sex, and get boners without no reason. He had discovered a copy of Kamasutra, and had been spending sleepless nights reading about it and masturbating, imaging in his fantasies, among other things, his mother and foster brother together in bed - this was a common rumour going around, that after the death of Shantanu, Bhishma and Satyavati had been brought together by lust. (And it was partly true, being younger to Bhishma, Satyavati was attracted to Bhishma, and after the death of Shantanu, even offered herself to him, but Bhishma, being a true homosexual, turned her down, and they decided to be best friends thereafter - Bhishma keeping Satyavati's lust a secret, while Satyavati agreed not to let anyone know about Bhishma's "condition").
And while they were talking about the condition of the kingdom one day, Bhishma mentioned to Satyavati that the king had come of age, and it was time for him to get married. And Satyavati asked Bhishma, "Do you have anyone in mind for my son, Bhishma?" And Bhishma said, "The beautiful daughters of the king of Kashi, Amba, Ambika and Ambalika are of marriagable age, and are reputed to be very beautiful. The king of Kashi has arranged a swayamvara (a method where women could choose their own husbands) for them, but has not invited our king. This is an insult to Hastinapur, and so I will go and kidnap the girls, who will make good wives for our king, and will also help us avenge the insult. Moreover, I am adept at carrying girls off to marry someone else - remember you with my father. I will do a great job" Satyavati: " Oh, Bhishma, you are very jokey. All right then, go and get them for my son, we will have a grand wedding." And so off went Bhishma, to kidnap the daughters of the king of Kashi.
The King of Kashi was making preparations for the swayamvara. His anger at Hastinapur was due to the fact that Shantanu, in the days when he was shagging Ganga, had refused the hand of his sister in marriage. The Kashi king wanted to avenge that humiliation, and had thought, that not inviting Vichitravirya for swayamvara of his daughters would be a nice revenge. Now, unknown to the king, his eldest daughter Amba was having a pre-marital affair with Prince Shalya (the one who was defeated by Bhishma earlier), and had decided to place the wedding garland on his shoulders. The other two sisters were still undecided, and as they were readying to choose from among the kings and princes assembled, in walked Bhishma to the hall.
Seeing Bhishma, the other kings burst into laughter. King 1: "Isn't he Bhishma, the man who has taken the oath of never marrying? Then what is he doing here?". King 2:"The beauty of the three princess has made him forget his vow. He wants to bed them, just like everyone of us here." (Laughter from everyone else, including the father of the girls - it was considered a privilege then to have your daughter, and your wife, being seen as a sex object). The King of Kashi, then said, "Why are you here, Bhishma? We did not invite you nor your step-brother. Don't you have any manners, or any etiquettes - coming here uninvited like this? Go away, or I will have to tell my guards to throw you away." Hearing these words, Bhishma got really angry, and said, "I am here to abduct your daughters, and get them married to the King of Hastinapur. Heaven knows I cannot be moved from my vow (because I am gay, he thought, but let's leave the details), and if anyone tries to stop me, I will blow them away." And saying so, Bhishma let out arrows which caused every king present to lose his throne, and thus humiliating them, he caught hold of the three women, who were too afraid to say anything. He then holding them in his chariot, proceeded towards Hastinapur, while the other kings were too shocked to do anything about it. Only Shalya, who was just minutes away from marrying the hottest girl of that age, had the courage to pursue Bhishma, and met him in the battlefield - Bhishma and the three girls against Shalya and his entire army - where, like before, Shalya was defeated, and his life was spared.
Being victorious, Bhishma went immediately to Satyavati and Vichitravirya, and showed them his conquests. Seeing the big bosom ladies before him, the young king got an immediate boner, while Satyavati was happy for her son. She ordered a grand wedding, when suddenly, Amba spoke up : "I am already in love with King Shalya, I wanted to marry him, and I even carry his baby. Let me marry him, please, oh, the mother queen of Hastinapur." Bhishma was shocked, and said, "But why didnt you tell this to me earlier? I could have left you there?" Amba said, "But I was frightened of you - You might have had killed me. I only got courage now, in front of the Queen Mother". Satyavati, "Bhishma, make arrangements for sending Amba to Shalya. Give her great ornaments. Send her like my daughter to Shalya." And so Amba was sent off, all this time dreaming about Shalya. However, after reaching there, Amba was in for a rude shock as Shalya refused to accept her. "I have lost you to Bhishma, I cannot accept you back as a gift. Its like adding insult to injury. So go back to Bhishma and Vichitravirya - anyways that is a very funny name, what does it mean, weird semen, haha - and forget about me." Amba: "But what about our child, Shalya?" "Abort it. Or raise it up as Vichitravirya's or Bhishma's or anyone else. But I cannot marry you. The whole world will laugh at me for accepting you. I am sorry, I love you, but not more than my honour. Please go away." At this Amba started crying, to which Shalya sang the ultimate abortion song "Yeh waqt nahin hai rone ka, yeh waqt hai baby hone ka, arre tab kyun naa roee thee, jab chipak chipak ke soyee thee, ab jo kiya hai use bharo, tab to kehti thee aur karo, aur karo!" and saying so, he dismissed Amba.
Meanwhile, Vichitravirya got married to the other two sisters. They immediately agreed to complete his fantasies, indulging in threesomes and lesbianism. All that Vichitravirya (that name is too long) ever did was to fuck these two beauties. The kingdom was now actually being run by Bhishma and everyone seemed happy with the arrangement.
So, Amba got an abortion, and headed back to Hastinapur, hoping to marry Vichitravirya. But the weirdo (this is much shorter) decided that even a threesome took a lot of his energies, and he was not ready for foursomes. Moreover, while Amba was considered the hottest among the three, she had shorter breasts, and the wierdo was definitely a breast-man. Moreover, Amba was not even a virgin, and had also got an abortion, making her a strict no-no. So well, he rejected Amba, who having been denied a husband, blamed it all on Bhishma, and told him, "You are the cause for my plight. No one wants to marry me and I have to lose my child because of you. You have devoid me of my honour. Hence, you should return my honour by marrying me." Bhishma said, "Child, I am old enough to be your father. And even if that was not the case, I cant marry you because I have my vow to adhere to (and because I am gay, he thought). So I am sorry for your condition, but I cannot help you. The only recourse left to you now is to go back to Shalya and ask him to marry you" Amba : "Shalya has already rejected me, Bhishma, and my honour doesn't allow me to go back to him. You have brought this woe upon myself and so now, I vow myself, that I will plan your destruction" and off she went.
She went and met many kings and princes, but no one was ready to take on the mighty Bhishma. So she prayed to Lord Subhramanya, who granted her a garland saying that whoever wore that garland would become an enemy of Bhishma and fight him for her. Amba took along that garland and met many kings, who refused to wear that garland, and even king Drupad refused. So she, disappointed, left the garland at the gate of Drupad's territory and went off to search for someone valiant, finally going to see the Sage Parshuram, the greatest warrior of his time, and the teacher of Bhishma, and narrated her sad tale. Moreover, to press her case even further, she even gave the teacher a blow job, which had Parshuram gasping for more, and Parshuram said, "I can always sway Shalya to marry you if you give it to me," to which Amba said, "I dont want to marry that sob Shalya, he is a coward. Now all I want you to do is to order Bhishma to marry me, or to destroy him in battle and I will give you all you want." And so off went Parshuram, and ordered Bhishma to marry Amba, which Bhishma refused, giving references to his vow. So Parshuram said, "I have promised Amba I will sway you, and if you are not going to obey me, I will make you obey me. Get ready to fight." And so they faught, the pupil and the student, over a woman. Parshuram was the best fighter of his day, and he had killed 21 generations of Kshatriya in his prime, but he was getting old, and Bhishma was young enough. After days of fighting then, Bhishma defeated Parshuram, and Parshuram went back to Amba, "Forget him, he is invincible. Go and seek his refuge. And I know I failed you, but am I still entitled to a handjob or something?" And Amba was like, "If you cannot help me, get lost, you good for nothing, you get nothing. Now I will have to do something." And off she went to pray to Lord Shiva, who granted her a boon that she will destroy Bhishma in her next birth. And Amba, in a bid to destroy Bhishma, set herself on pyre, and that was the end of the Amba story. Or was it? We will see later, much later.
But for now, its time to look at the fuckfest at Hastinapur, where the weirdo was having the time of his life with his two wives. However, too much of sex kills, and one day, while having threesome as usual, he got an heart attack (too much blood had rushed into his organ), and died on the spot. The king was dead - there was no heir, and the Hastinapur dynasty was going to a close.
So well, Satyavati called Bhishma after the funeral was over, and asked him, "Fuck my daughters-in-law, they will still techincally be the king;s son, and Hastinapur will have heirs. As you know, a widow can technically produce an heir by mating with her dead husband's brother. Please do this for Hastinapur." Bhishma, "But you know, my vow, ohh wait, you know the story, I am GAY - do you get it - I don't fuck women - Is that fine with you. I don't care about what you think, but I can't do it. It is just not right, you know. Moreover, what will the world say if I break my vow." "Well then, Bhishma, you leave me with just one choice." "And what is that, Satyavati?" "I have a story to tell you, I have another son" and she proceeded to tell him about Parshuram and Vyas. "Oh my oh my, you are a whore, aren't you?" And she remembered Vyas, who suddenly appeared out of nowhere, and said, "Mom, why did you call me? What can I do for you?"
Satyavati: "Son, fuck my daughters-in-law. I will be sending them to you and you must have meaningful sex with them."
Vyas:" I will love it mom, otherwise with an appearance like me. I dont get any pussy." (Vyas was big and black and positively ugly, with hair and all).
So well Satyavati called Ambika, who seeing Vyas, closed her eyes and kept it close as long as Vyas was giving it to her, which was a long time. After this performance, Vyas came to Satyavati and told her that because of Ambika's not opening her eyes, the son will be blind. So Ambalika was told that she must keep her eyes open all through the performance, which she did, but seeing Vyas was not easy, and she fainted, which as Vyas told later, meant that this son will be pale. Satyavati, afraid of the consequences, then asked Ambika to get fucked again by Vyas, to deliver a healthy child, but Ambika, afraid of what happened earlier, instead send a maid in her place, who accepted Vyas gladly, and gave him the best fuck ever. Vyas later said that this child would be the wisest and the most intelligent. So, within nine months, Ambika delivered Dhritrashtra, who was blind, while Ambalika, after some time, delivered Pandu, who was pale, and the maid delivered Vidur, who by orders of Satyavati, was brought up like a Prince. And so their education started, under supervision of Bhishma.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

This is a true story

Location: Byron Bay Bar at Bordeaux. Day: Thursday. Time : 10:30 P.m. Event: Party of some school, with many Pretty Young Things (and when I say young, I mean like 16-17 years old), in it.

The Scene Outside : A group of 3 girls and 4 guys from that school are trying to get in, but are not being allowed by the bouncer outside. They try flaunting their I-cards, the babes try some sweet talking, but are not allowed, when the four of us Indians enter there. We are kind of regulars there, but we have never talked to the bouncer before, and are sure we will be thrown out. So, sheepishly, we stand in front of the bouncer, waiting to be thrown out, and hoping against hope, for some miracle to happen. And it happens - As soon as he sees us, he opens the gate, and we are like, "Is it for us?". And the bouncer says, "yes", and we are allowed in, and the bouncer addresses us in such respectful terms it makes us blush, and happy.The treatment meted to us also makes the French girls and guys stranded outside pass the kind of awe filled stares we throw at people who are allowed to enter exclusive parties normally.

We felt like kings, and we acted like ones that day. For what happened next, you will have to contact me on G-talk probably (too vulgar, even by the standards of this blog, to put it down here). To put it briefly, we were like wolves prowling for sheep. :P

Thursday, October 25, 2007

The Delhi Walla Blog

Thanks to Sammy, I got a chance to write for his cousin Mayank's blog about 'sex life in IITD'. Here is the link. Mayank has modified the original post, and made it look much better. As John Grisham writes, the mistakes are all mine :P.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Mahabharata - 4 : Satyavati-Shantanu

As Shantanu roamed around the banks of the Yamuna, hunting for new pray, he smelled the best aroma he ever had. Trying to find the source of the aroma, he ordered his charioteer to take his chariot to wherever the fragrance was coming from. (Yeah, in case you are wondering, the same charioteer was always with Shantanu - he also got a spoil of the shares after Shantanu was done devouring his prey). They even crossed their own kingdom in the process and came within the limits of the kingdom of Chedi. The feminine fragrance had him totally horny, and when he came to the place where Satyavati was planning to pack her bags for the day and go home, after a hard days' job ferrying people across the Yamuna. (She planned to go back to bed, remembering, like every night, the awesome time she had, what seemed like years ago, the awesome "love-making" from Prashar. It was the best time of her entire day, alone with her memories, and a stick which she could use as a dildo. Yes, women were horny even then.)

Seeing Satyavati, Shantanu got the hard-on of his life - yeah, he was even hornier than meeting Ganga had made him, and it was surprising because he was much older now, except that he still dyed his hair and went about singing "I am so Young Now" (The Corrs are copycats too, but they changed it a bit) - but, as he explained later to his charioteer, it was also the smell that did it. He took down his pants, and as was his wont, sang out to Satyavati, "Give it to me baby." ("It" referred to the pussy, readers, but Offsprings couldn't really understand it when they decided to copy). And Satyavati, still playing the role of the ideal daughter, told Shantanu, "You might be the king, but I am not ready to lose my virginity in a one night stand. Either ask my father for my hand in marriage or go away. I am sorry." Shantanu was dumbfounded. "But, I am a king, and you are not supposed to refuse a king like that. Noone has ever refused me before - not even Ganga. How dare you then?" "But, I am not your subject, oh king. You are in the kingdom of the king of Chedi, and I am obliged to obey him - not you." And Shantanu thought, "What lovely mouth she has, what pleasure it would be to get a blowjob from her." Aloud: "Will you give me a blowjob then, oh beautiful one. It will give me pleasure, and possibly you too, seeing my tool, which as you must know and can see yourself, all the gals say, is a pretty fly for a white guy. Moreover, your virginity will be intact,". Satyavati, seeing the thing between Shantanu's legs did feel horny, but it was small compared to Prashar. And she did not want to dilute the effect that Prashar's cock had on her, by indulging in sucking other, lesser cock. So aloud she said, "Do you think I am a slut, O king? I have been brought up in virtue, and if you want to have anything to do with me, ask my father." And Shantanu was totally impressed by the concern of the sex-bomb standing before him. (A sexy woman who is not a slut is still every man's dream wife - and Shantanu was no cuckold). He decided he could fuck this chick for time immemorial and not get tired of it - hell, she was almost as hot as Ganga, and that smell!!! Unable to control his hard-on, he immediately took Satyavati with him, and went to the fisherman's Dashraj house, to ask for Satyavati's hand. The following conversation followed:
Shantanu: I love your daughter and want to marry her.
Dashraj: Who are you?
Shantanu (frowning): Don't you know me, I am the king of Hastinapur, Shantanu. And I want to make your daughter my queen.
Dashraj: That is a pleasure, O king. But I have a condition.
Shantanu: What is it? Tell me soon, I am ready to fulfil anything. Just make me marry your daughter. (I have a raging hard-on, bastard, and only your daughter can help me relieve it, he thought).
Dashraj: I have brought this daughter of mine in the best way I could, and I want her to get the best. If you marry her, you must promise me that her son will be your heir.
Shantanu (thinking): "I have already made Devarata my heir. Fuck Dashraj, I could possibly take his daughter and run off, but the king of Chedi is so powerful and Devarata might not help me in this ensuing war which starts off because of my lust for a woman not his mother. But I want a release." (Aloud he said):"This is not possible Dashraj, ask for anything else. I have already promised my kingdom to my eldest son, Devarata."
Dashraj: This is my one and only request, O king. If you can fulfil it, you can take Satyavati as your wife, otherwise I am sorry.
Shantanu: You know I cannot be a traitor to my son. We kings cannot break our promises. Fuck you, Dashraj and fuck your daughter. I am going to cum, umm, I mean go. (And he cums, and goes, unable to make any headway).

Every day from then on, Shantanu goes to the bank of the Yamuna along with his charioteer, (who for your knowledge also did cum seeing Satyavati), sees Satyavati, sings, "I will cum wherever you will go," (which, as The Calling thought, was too liberal even for American listeners, and changed the 'cum' to 'go'), cums seeing her, and goes home. He loses all taste for other women, and is totally in love with Satyavati - a love bred out of lust. At night, while Satyavati is cumming for Prashar, Shantanu cums for her. (pine would probably be a less accurate word here - Its all lust, come to think of it). And he ignores all other prey, and his food, and his appetite suffers. He just lives to take a glimpse of Satyavati and cum thinking about her. All this while, Devarata, who is effectively managing the kingdom, can't bear to see his father's condition. He asks his father, "what is wrong father? Is there anything I can help you with? Are you worried about the kingdom? Or is it something else that troubles you?" Now just take a moment to comprehend the situation Shantanu is in. He wants to tell his son, "I want to fuck and marry a woman I can't. I can't as long as you are there." But how could he say that? So he says, "I am worried about you son. You manage the kingdom, and you are my heir and my sole son. If anything was to happen to you, what will I do?" Now this actually meant this - I need to have another son, and another heir. Devarata probably understood this, because he went to his father's charioteer, and asked the charioteer about his father's health. The charioteer pretended ignorance, but upon being promised the price of one of the most beautiful maidens of the kingdom, agreed to divulge the details about Satyavati, and told him how the king was besotted by the female, and how Dashraj had laid the condition. ("But it is not your father's fault, prince, you should see Satyavati - Oh, her eyes are so beautiful. And the smell that emanates from her body, and her breasts are like water melons, and her waist like a surahi" "Cut the details, charioteer, I will go check her out myself" said Devarata and asking directions for Satyavati's house, took his chariot and went off).
Now well, Devarata felt nothing for the numerous pretty females who wanted to make love to the Most Eligible Bachelor in the kingdom. He was always more excited by sight of men fighting and working. Also, seeing the bulge in the charioteer's pants as he talked about Satyavati, had managed to turn him on pretty bad. Which is why he wanted to get out of that place ASAP. And as he thought about that big bulge in the charioteer's pants, the thought suddenly struck him - he was gay. It was not very usual, but his Guru Brihaspati had told him once, in the biology class, about devas in heaven who took no pleasure in company of apsaras and instead slept with another men. It was a biological condition - and nothing you could do about it, but publicising it was not exactly recommended, not in the relatively conservative earth. If word gets around, a gay person might see himself being isolated from society. Hearing about Satyavati and her father's condition brought a plan to his mind - it was risky, but it might just work, he thought, and off he went to implement it.
Reaching Dashraj's house, he saw Satyavati and even he could appreciate his father's eye for beauty.
Dashraj: Who are you, and why do you come here at this hour?
Devarata: I am Devarata, the prince of Hastinapur.
Dashraj: Welcome. What can I do for you?
Devarata: I ask the hand of your daughter for my father.
Dashraj: But you know my condition, and as long as the king is unwilling to fulfil that condition, I am unable to marry off my daughter. And you are such a mighty and famous prince, how can the king think of making anyone else the heir?
Devarata (thinking : Seeing my father is such a cuckoo, good for nothing king, I guess his sons will also be similar. I am different only because of my mother, the divine Ganga, otherwise I would also have been a loser like my dad. I can always act as a de-facto ruler whether I am the king or not): I, Deverata, am the heir to the throne of Hastinapur, and I relinquish that title and give word to you that after my father, the son of your daughter will become the next king.
(This he said in a loud voice so that people all over could hear him make the supreme sacrifice.)
Dashraj: But..(He wanted to say, but you actually are taking such a vow for my daughter?)
Devarata (coming to the part, which he had thought about all through the way) : "But what, you know I have relinquished, but I think that you fear that my sons, if they are as mighty as me, will take the throne back from your daughter's sons? Is that it, tell me?"
Dashraj (thinking: "Shit, I had never thought about it. But this is really good.") "yes, that is my only concern"
Devarata (smiling inwardly, but making a serious face): "Hear, Oh the heavens, the netherworld and the earth. I, Devarata, for the benefit of my father, and for the throne of Hastinapur, vow never to marry, and never to fuck any woman."
The heavens heard him. Devas poured flowers on him as he made this 'sacrifice' and an akashwaani (the ancient version of radio news service, except that it came from the skies) hailed him as Bhisham, one who had taken a Bhishan Pratigya (Terrible vow). He became famous everywhere, and was also spared humiliation of being called a gay. (Now that is killing two birds with one stone).
Dashraj agreed to the match, and Bhishma carried Satyavati to his father, who, having had his fantasy come to life through his son's twin sacrifices, granted his son the boon of choosing his death. (And in those days, these things worked - somehow. And that's how you kill three birds with one stone). And Bhishma started managing the kingdom, making some good "friends" among advisors, while Shantanu got down to fucking Satyavati, and as he had done before, disappeared from public sight for nine months, when Satyavati delivered a son, the future king of Hastinapur, who was named Chitrangada. Leaving him to the maid, Shantanu and Satyavati went back being rabbits, and soon enough Satyavati delivered Vichitravirya.
Soon, thereafter, however, the king developed high BP developed due to the pumping of blood to his organ, and had a stroke, from which he did survive, but could never recover enough to have sex. So instead he starting brooding about how he had let his first-born son (Gangeya- Devarata- Bhishma) down. He also blamed Satyavati, who also started sharing the guilt of it all. Soon enough Shantanu died, and the young Chitrangada was declared the king, with Bhishma acting as his mentor. The king wanted to let go of Bhishma's interference in his life, and so took to hunting like his father, seeking prey. And as it happened, while Chitrangada was hunting one day, he encountered the Gandharva king Chitrangada, who got into an arguement about who had the right to carry off that name. In the ensuing duel, the Paurava Chitrangada was killed, and so Vichitravirya was made the king. Bhishma continuing to be his mentor. And this laid the foundation of another twist in the Mahabharata story.
(You know, about Mahabharata, it is said, "what is here might be found somewhere else, but what is not contained here, cannot be found anywhere else." A good thought to end).

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Mahabharata - 3: The birth of Satyavati and Vyas

Roaming around the Ganga river, Shantanu one day saw a young boy (about 16 years old) stopping the flow of the Ganga by making a dam through his arrows. He was delighted by the young boy's proficiency and angered by the fact that the boy seemed to be hurting the river Ganga, who happened to be his wife, albeit estranged. So angrily he went up to the boy and asked him, "Who are you? And why are you stopping the flow of Ganga?" As if to answer the question, Ganga herself (yeah that very same Ganga who had been his wife and whom he had fucked like there was no tomorrow, who still looked like the 20 year old virgin he had seen at the same spot many many years ago) appeared out of nowhere, and said, "He is our eighth son, O king! He has been taught science by the great Guru Brihaspati (the guru of the devas) and has been taught the use of arms and weapons by the great Pashuram. He is the best archer the world has ever seen according to his Guru. He has been named Devarata and is also called Gangeya (the son of Ganga). As I promised, as his education is over, I am handing him over to you. He is intelligent and able enough to be your heir. Take him home." Shantanu, who was overwhelmed with relief and joy at seeing his wife and his son, said, "and arent't you coming home, love?", to which Ganga replied, "It was a deal, my dear. I cant come back, but take Devarata and be happy. And now please go back." Shantanu wanted to cry out, "Give me one more night" (which, as you all know now became the inspiration for Phil Collins' hit song), but Ganga cut him short by disappearing into thin air, like only Indian gods and goddesses know how to.
Shantanu was sad, for seeing Ganga again had let the blood in his loins flow freely again. But he was also happy to find his son and the king as his heir. He seemed to have got his old energy back again, and after declaring Devarata as his heir, and leaving the daily working of the empire to him ("you need to gain experience, son" Shantanu told his son), off he went to his pre-Ganga days hobby of hunting for women and animals. "18 till I die", shouted Shantanu while catching his prey, and in Hindi, "Abhee to main jawaan hoon". (Indians, unfortunately, are as big copycats as the Americans, Irish, British and Canadians are from Indian history.) In the meantime, Devarata got accustomed to his new life as a prince, and single-handedly managed to defeat the huge army arrogant prince of Saubala, Shalva, and humiliated him further by sparing his life. The kingdom of Hastinapur was in good hands, and Shantanu and Deverata were both saying, "I'm loving it." (The quintessential American symbol of McDonald's as you can see, also had its roots in India).

And then entered Satyavati - who was an epitome of sex as only daughters of apsaras (celestial maidens, who were basically prostitutes for gods, and were pure sex) can be. Now here is the story of her birth: "Upacharika was the king of Chedi and Girika was his wife. Once while they planned to have sex to produce a heir for their kingdom, as Girika had one of 'those' days. As they were beginning to start the act, however, came news which required the king to immediately go to a far fetched spot of his kingdom to quell a rebellion. Promising his wife that he will be back soon, he went and quelled the rebellion, but after he was done, he saw the beautiful scenery around. He decided to rest there for some days, but with spring setting in, all animals were into the act of reproduction (and yes - 7x were a craze even then), he got horny remembering his voluptuous wife and masturbated. (This is probably the first mention of the act in the world). As he masturbated, he caught his semen in his hand, and planning not to waste it, caught it in a leaf, tied it to his pigeon and send him to his wife, so that she could concieve a heir. ("Kabootar Jaa Jaa Jaa" was a rip-off from this story - and we thought that was the only original song in the movie Maine Pyar Kiya). So well, off flew the pigeon, with the semen. However, the pigeon, while flying back, was caught by an eagle, and the leaf fell into the river Ganga, where it was eaten by a fish, who was actually an Apsara (Adrika by name) who was cursed to live as a fish. As the semen went into her, it gave birth to two foetus - a girl and a boy. The fish was caught by the fisherman Dashraj, and while he cut the fish, he saw the two babies in there. He took both to the king Upacharika, who kept the boy child, (who grew up to be the king Matsya), while giving the daughter back to Dashraj. The daughter grew up to be Satyavati, the future wife of Shantanu."

Satyavati grew up to be a hot sexy woman. Her father found her a job on the banks of the Yamuna river, as a boatwoman, who used to smell of fish because she was a fisherman's daughter. She used to sit there waiting for people to come and while she was so sexy, people tried avoiding her because of the smell emanating from her body. She was even called Matsyagandha (the smell of fish) and was still a virgin, when Prashar happened to her.

Prashar was a great rishi who one day wanted to cross the river Yamuna, and asked Satyavati to take him across. He had common cold that particular day, and his nostrils were flared up and could not smell. So well in front of her alone was this hot little pussy, who looked a virgin, and the two of them were alone in the middle of a river, which aroused Prashar a great deal. He had an immediate hard-on, and looking at Satyavati, began singing, "I wanna fuck you" to which Satyavati replied, being a virgin, "I want to too, but I am a virgin, and you are not going to marry me, are you? Plus I have such a filthy odour emanating from me, aren't you appalled by that like all the other people?". "Say no more, oh beautiful one, I cannot marry you because I am a rishi. But you are so sexy I cant control myself. It will be a one night affair, and I will make you a deal you can't refuse. (If you thought Godfather was brilliant- what do you think about this). If you give yourself to me, I will, through my yoga and siddhi, restore your hymen. Moreover, I will give you such a fragrance that your fragrance will attract people towards you from a yojana (a unit of distance equal to 9 miles) away." Satyavati thought about it, and then said, "Thanks for the offer, but I am in those days of the month, and I presume you don't have a condom, so what if I get pregnant? What happens to the child?" Prashar had a reply ready,"A son will be born from this union, oh beautiful lady, and he will be an adult as soon as he is born. He will be one of the most renowned rishis ever, and history will remember him as Ved Vyas or Krishna Dwaipanya (the dark island-born). But Satyavati got frightened, and said, "However, it is still daytime, what if someone sees us?" Prashar, who had got tired of answering these questions, and who wanted a quick blowjob to stop this talkative woman, suddenly created darkness (he was a powerful rishi), and told Satyavati, "take the boat to that island in the middle of the river." And as soon they reached the island, Prashar fucked Satyavati like rabbits do. She felt pain, pleasure and ecstasy. It had lasted over four hours, but she had lost all sense of time. It was better than she had ever thought it to be. And after Prashar had finished, she felt pain again, as if something was pushing outside from her vagina. She fell asleep, and when she opened her eyes again, she found two men, not one, looking at her, lying naked, after having the time of her life. She tried to cover herself up, but the other man, who was one of the ugliest men she had ever set eyes upon, bowed to her, touched her feet, and said, "I am your son, mother! Bless me. Father has told me to go and study the Vedas, and I must go along with Father. But if you need me mother, just remember me and I will come. And off went Prashar with Vyas, who looked big enough to be a father himself, leaving Satyavati alone- who went back to her father's home, her hymen restored, and with no signs of having had sex. She told her father that the rishi had given her a new fragrance, leaving out all other details. And she became Yojanagandha, (one whose smell spreads for a yojana) and her smell and her sexy figure and beauty made many people ask for her hand for marriage, but her father refused them all. He knew her daughter was made for bigger things, and it was soon to come - when Shantanu, having hunted down all his 'preys' along the Ganga, decided to try his luck near the Yamuna river.

Sunday, October 07, 2007

Mahabharata - 2 : Ganga-Shant-anu

(Now well, as it happens, I am back after a week long mini Euro trip, but more about that later). And so is back this epic story of sex, violence, tragedy, drama and a lot more.

Now before we embark on another story of mindless sex and lust, here is some food for your grey matter to chew on.

Now after Yadu had been deposed of what he thought was his rightful throne, he set up his own empire outside India. On the other side, the descendants of Puru created and strengthened their own empire, prominent among them being Bharat, Hasti and Kuru. Bharat expanded the entire region till the shores of the Indian Ocean. Bharat is also famous as the king who announced an able son of a general as his heir and not his own sons, breaking the general custom of the time. Meanwhile Hasti founded the city of Hastinapur, which became the new capital, and Kuru founded Kurukshetra, one of the holiest lands in India. The story of Mahabharat proper starts from Shantanu, another king of the Puru dynasty, and great-grandfather of Pandavas and Kauravas (the name Kauravas, too, came from Kuru). Other clans of Pauravas soon evolved, prominent among them the Panchalas, and the Magadhas, where Jarasandha ruled supreme during the Mahabharat.

Yadu on the other hand, also started his own lineage (the Yadavas), with descendants like Sashibindu, who annexed much of the Indian land from the Pauravas (descendants of Puru). The Yadavs split into many clans as well, with the Andhak clan ruling over present day Mathura, and at the time of the Mahabharat, ruled by Ugrasen, the maternal grandfather of Krishna, the so-called hero of Mahabharat. Other clans of Yadavas included the Chedi kings.

There were twenty six generations between Yayati and Kauravas, Pandavas and Krishna. All this while, there was internal conflict within the Pauravas and Yadavas clans, and notable bad blood between the Yadavas and the Pauravas.

And from here, we start off the sex part of Mahabharat with the story of Shantanu.

Shantanu was the king of Hastinapur, who like many other of his ancestors, liked hunting alone. (This was a pretext to meet young virgin maidens along the way, and have a good time. He had so far managed to take more maidens than animals this way. And while it kept his lust satisfied, the walk also did a lot of good for his health, and everything was good.) So far, therefore, the thought of getting married did not even strike him.
So well, one day, as he hunted along the Ganga, he saw a beautiful maiden standing there, the most beautiful woman he had ever seen, wearing a sexy sari, which barely covered her ample breasts and exposed her cute navel. And she stood in a pose which suggested to Shantanu, "Come and take me." And Shantanu, who was not unused to maidens offering them to him, even though he looked like a loser, because he was the king, and the poor maidens wanted his favours. So well, just like that, he took her. She was yet a virgin or so he felt. It was the best sex he ever had, she seemed to know the Kamasutra inside out and he thought, "Well this is one female I can have all the time and not feel bored." And thinking this, he proposed marriage.
Shantanu: "Oh beautiful one! Who are you? I am besotted by you and your love making skills, I wanna love you till stars fall from the sky...I mean, till you or I die.. So beauty, will you marry me?" (For the uninitiated, this is where Jim Morrison got the inspiration for his Touch Me song).
Ganga: "Oh my king! I am Ganga, and I will marry you, (because you are so rich and have so much power, and I love both, she thought). However, O king, I have a condition for marriage.
Shantanu: "What is it, you know, I will fly to the moon and back for you, if you be my baby." (And this, as you all know, was what made Savage Garden famous).
Ganga: "You wont ask me any questions about my past and what I do and where I go after marriage. If you do so, I will seek divorce and leave you."
Shantanu:"I dont care who you are, where you are from, what you do as long as you love me." (Now you must have figured out, who copied it...the Backstreet Boys of course.) (Author's note: This is what a lady does to you, mellows you down from rock to boy's pop, and Shantanu was a pretty good singer.
And so like that they got married. Shantanu neglected his kingdom altogether, leaving the kingdom's working on his ministers and stayed in his room all day and all night, with his new wife (You have got to appreciate the man's stamina), stopping only when the bulge in Ganga's stomach grew large enough. Soon enough, a son was born to the king, but even before he could see the newborn, he saw Ganga, (who surprisingly, was as fit as if the child had never been concieved) throwing the baby out into the river Ganga, which caused him immense distress. But then he remembered his promise, and so decided to stay quiet, and that night, was back in his room making love to Ganga, forgetting all about the murdered baby, and having great fun for another nine months. And then again, Ganga delivered a boy, and threw it into the river Ganga. Shantanu was pained, but the pain only lasted till the night, when he was again enjoying the company of his hot wife.
And so on it continued for another five babies. All were born, and thrown into the river Ganga by his wife. All of the kingdom citizens were puzzled with the queen's behaviour, and in private, people referred to her with such terms as whore, murderer and bitch. This was not hidden from him, and he also was starting to think the same way. However, he bore it because of his promise, and the fact that after so many deliveries, Ganga's body remained as sexy and fit as before. He really loved her, and the way she made love.
And so he continued enjoying her day in and day out till their eighth son was about to be born. Shantanu had aged by now, and he wanted some heir. So when he saw his eighth son being meted the same treatment as his earlier brothers, he suddenly felt an urge to speak, "Oh cruel one! How could you do this to your own children. What kind of mother are you? You have already killed my seven children, I wont let you kill him too. "
Ganga:"You broke your promise king? Hence, I am going. The truth is, these babies of ours were Vasus, who had been cursed to take birth on earth, and I am Ganga, the river, who had promised to be their mother, and end their curse by drowning them as soon as they were born. I have already sent the other seven to their heavenly abode, but now this Vasu will have to stay back for longer time on earth. I will take him away now, and educate him from the best teachers. I will send him back to you after he is educated. Goodbye, my lover." And as it used to happen in those days, she disappeared out of side along with her son.
Shantanu: "Please dont go...Please dont go" (No Mercy said thanks).
But Ganga had left by then, and Shantanu was all alone.
He was very sad and distressed. He had no wife, and no heir, and he had all but lost his sex drive. Now was when he took to hunting for the sheer pleasure of the outside sport. Every morning he walked and saw the river Ganga, hoping she would spring to life, and he went away disappointed.
And then one day, strolling on the banks of the river, he met Gangeya.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Mahabharata - 1 : The Story of Yayati

Here is my own take on the Mahabharata. I have long believed that history is written by winners, and if the epic battle did actually take place, there was plenty to explain that has not been explained by sage Vyas. So for all of those who want to know the real deal this is the first story of the Mahabharat series.

The Story of Yayati
Shukracharaya, the guru of the asuras, was presently working at the court of Vrishaparva, the asura king, who greatly respected the guru because of his ability to bring back to life fallen asuras.
Devayani was the only daughter of Shukracharaya and because of the adulation of his father, had grown into a stubborn and arrogant, albeit very beautiful, young woman.
One day, the daughter of Vrishaparva, Sharmishtha, came to the guru's ashram, along with her friends, as they were going out to the forests for a picnic. In between the picnic, the girls decided to take a bath at a lake nearby. Now as far as my understanding of Hindu mythology goes, bathing together was a very popular hobby by the Indian folks; girls with girls and girls with boys. So well, these beautiful girls decided to take a bath in the lake. Now, as soon as these women had stripped naked and gone into the lake, a violent storm blew away their clothes, and their clothes got mixed. Now well, when the women came out of the lake, Devayani could not find her blouse, and got really angry when she saw Sharamishtha wearing hers. Now, boys, brace yourself for the catfight of the last five millenniums. (Just imagine this carefully - and in your imagination, let me remind you, Devyani is naked all this while - Another thing to add to this, Devayani is a classical beauty while Sharmishtha is a sexy hottie).
Devayani: Saali Kutiyaa (F***ing bitch)! How dare you wear my clothes? Dont you know who I am? Who do you think you are? I am the daughter of the great shukracharya, and he is the guru of all asuras. And you took my clothes. You are nothing but a common thief, stealing my clothes like that. Take them off right now.
Sharmishtha (feeling ashamed by the humiliation): tu kuttiya (You are a bitch)! I am the daughter of the king of the asuras! And the things you say about your father! Your father is dependent on my father for survival. My father is the one who feeds him. You father is but a beggar in the court of my father. You wear my leftovers! It is you who is poor, not me. I am a princess, while you are the daughter of a beggar.
Devayani (holding her by the hair) : Give me my clothes back, you bitch.
Sharmishtha (yelping): Help friends help!
Friends of Sharmishtha: Get off her, bitch! And they go and lift Devayani, and in the fight that ensues (this was the precursor of the kabaddi, contrary to what you read here) Devyani falls into a well nearby. Now when she falls, Sharmishtha and friends, leave her there, and go back to the palace. Devayani left alone, started crying and calling for help. She was sure now that she could not go back to the place whose king's daughter had humiliated her, and that she would not return home, if somehow she could get out of the well first.
As is always fated to happen when the damsel is in distress, in walks the handsome prince (rather, a king). Yayati, the king of Khandavprastha, was hunting and had lost his way, when he heard the wailing of a woman from the well. He looked down, to see Devayani, a beautiful maiden lying naked. He helped her out of the well (presumably by throwing down a rope or something) and then held her right hand. He had fallen in love, and so had Devayani, as she realized that this was the first man, other than her father, who had seen her naked.
Devayani (after covering herself with the branch of a tree): Who are you prince, and what are you doing here?
Yayati: I am Yayati, the king of Khandavprastha. I was out hunting and lost my way. But who are you, oh beauty, and why were you there?
Devayani: Marry me Prince, you have held me by the right hand and have seen me naked, and hence now you ought to make me your wife.
Yayati: But tell me who are you?
Devayani: I am the daughter of Shukracharya, the guru of the asuras. I was thrown here by some of my friends. I have been forsaken, o king, and you are the only one who can rescue me. Please marry me.
Yayati (trying to hide his boner): Yes, oh beautiful one! (thinking: Oh what a beauty! How good would it feel to have her on bed...and he started imagining, and suddenly the image of Shukracharya interrupted that dream...What if the guru got angry, no he will curse me): But no, you are the daughter of a Brahman while I am of a lower caste, Kshatriya, so I cannot marry you. But I am ready to take you to your home and leave you with your father.
Devayani: Okay then, leave me here, I will sit here, because I have decided not to go back home, and you should go now. You turn to the left and will find the way.
Yayati: Thank you, o beauty, but are you sure you will be fine here?
Devayani: Yes I will, (and Yayati leaves, his boner now harder than ever).

Shukracharya, after waiting for his daughter to arrive, entered the forest himself, and found his daughter sitting naked under a tree. When he inquired about her daughter's condition, Devayani told the entire story, about how Sharmishtha had abused him, she and her friends had thrown her into the well, and how Yayati had rescued her. She also told her of her vow not to go back into that king's reign, unless Sharmishtha apologized to her.
Hearing this Shukracharya lost his cool, and went to Vrishaparva to tell him he was leaving the kingdom. The king was at a loss about what happened, and pleaded to Shukracharya to forgive whatever mistake he had made. Shukracharya then told the king to ask his daughter, and went away angrily. The asura king knew that without Shukracharya to revive the asuras from the dead, they would never be able to challenge the devas. The asura king made haste to ask Sharmishtha about the incident, and taking her with him, went under the tree where Shukracharya was sitting with his daughter. Sharmishtha apologised to Devayani, who only agreed to return back to the kingdom if Sharmishtha agreed to be her slave. Sharmishtha, for her father's sake, agreed and thus Sharmishtha left her palace to stay as a slave to Devayani.

One day, Yayati lost her way again and this time came to Shukracharya's ashram. Devayani, who was sitting next to Sharmishtha, immediately recognised him and again proposed him to marry her. Yayati went with Devayani to Shukracharya, who agreed to this match, as Yayati was the MEB (Most Eligible Bachelor) at the time. However, he also told Yayati that he should not marry anyone else other than her daughter. (Yayati was a bit disappointed by this, but Devayani was so beautiful, that he agreed. He also noticed the hot Sharmishtha, and coupled by the combines effect of the two beauties, had soon another boner). The marriage was held in great pomp and show, and Sharamishtha, being the maid of Devayani, also went with her to Khandavprastha.

Yayati was happy in the company of Devayani, and had a great time with her, and soon she was pregnant. Sharmishtha and Devayani, meanwhile, had managed to become good friends, but Sharmishtha also wanted to lead her old life of pleasure. Devayani got Yayati to build a new palace especially for Sharmishtha, but when Devayani gave birth to Yadu, Sharmishtha's desire of being a mother was roused. So, one day while Yayati was alone, she went up and offered herself to him. (Yayati thought: what about Devayani, and what about Shukracharaya - but f*** them, what a lovely ass, and those boobs wow!!! - I have waited for this moment for so long). He agree to be the father of her children, as long as it was kept a secret, and soon Sharmishtha was pregnant. When Devayani asked her about the father, she said some Rishi had come and given her a good f***. Devayani was satisfied, and soon Sharmishtha gave birth to Druhyu. In the course of time, Devayani gave birth to Turvasu while Sharmishtha delivered Anu and Puru in that order. All of them were fathered by Yayati, who used to go to Sharmishtha and her sons while telling Devayani he was out hunting. The five sons used to play together, and all of them resembled Yayati, which gave Devayani some hint. One day, while all of them were playing, she asked Druyhu about his father. He calmly pointed to the king. Devayani was livid. She flew out of rage, and went back to her father, Yayati followed her, and Shukracharya, who could never see his daughter cry, and after hearing about his adultery, cursed Yayati :"May you become old, and never be able to enjoy material possesions of the world." Yayati begged for forgiveness, and Devayani also grew sad (He was pretty good in sex, and she wanted him in bed). She also asked her father to forgive her husband. Shukracharya said, "I cant take back this curse, but if one of your sons is ready to take your old age and your diseases, you can get back your youth again. Also the son who will agree will become famous all over the world as a just king."
Yayati felt happy hearing this. Surely all of his obedient sons would share his fate. He first went to the eldest son Yadu, who hearing his father request, laughed at him, and said, "I have my own life father. I want to have sex, I have just discovered it, its so cool, I cant give it all up." He then went to Druyhu, who also refused, giving fundes like "But father, being old will also make me lose all my intelligence. I have just started learning about this world." Next came Turvasu and Anu, but both of them also refused. Thus forsaken, Yayati went to Puru, who agreed wholeheartedly to take his old age, more because he was kind of stupid than anything else. Yayati remembered Shukracharya, and suddenly Yayati became young and Puru grew old, and making Puru to look after his kingdom, he went on something like a fuckfest with Sharmishtha and Devayani. After some time, he also copulated the beautiful apsara Viswachi, and enjoyed so for a thousand years. (Mahabharat has a habit of exaggerating it - it probably means 10 years). But the more he had sex, the more he wanted to have more of it. And then he realised that sex is like oil in fire - the more you have, the more you want it. The want never ends. And that is when he decided to give back the youth he had borrowed from Puru, and made him the king, and himself went for sanyaas. The people of his kingdom rebelled in favour of Yadu, who was the rightful heir, being the eldest son. However, Yayati who despite all his libido was also a just king, reminded them of Shukracharaya's prophecy, and the people got behind Puru. And Yadu, who refused to recognize Puru as the king, was exiled from the kingdom, where he set his own kingdom outside India.

(A question you might ask: Did they have condoms those days? Yes they did, and they worked better now than they do now. That is why Rachel gets pregnant in one night fucks, while Draupadi produced only five sons. More about that later though).

And here lay the seeds of the Mahabharat battle many many many generations later.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

A lot of Questions

Why do we care so much about what others think of us? How is it that a little praise from a person can make you so happy? How is it that some criticism can bring you down? Why is it that we try to keep people around us happy? Why do we want to be the best in what we do? Why do we think so much about winning awards or making a good GPA? Why do we want to show people how good we are?

Do we ever think about what we actually want from life? Can we just live in the present, without thinking about the past (what could have happened if..) or the future (what will happen...)? Why is it that we never get what we want the most? Or is it we want it the most because we never get it?

If the end is the death, what is the reason for doing anything at all? Will there be an Armageddon, and if it will, when and where? What will happen to the non-believers like me? Or is this actually a cycle, where everything we do is evaluated (in the present and past and future lives), and then our souls are sent to heaven or hell? Are we lucky to be born as humans, or are we very unlucky? Why did Mahabharata happen, even though there was a God? Why did Karna have to die?

If there is a God, why doesnt he show himself? How does he function? Is he playing a game, with us as random particles, and playing around, eventually knowing anything we do doesnt make an iota of difference to him or to anything else in the long run? Who are we? What does life mean?

Why do we feel singularly alone? Why do we love? Why so I feel so unworthy sometimes? Why I cant feel happy? Why am I so ugly? Why am I so dumb?

Any answers?

I feel happier already. haha. BonJour, Futrevous, Rendezvous and all that French shit.

Monday, September 17, 2007

How do you feel about yourself?

Do you feel good for achieving so many different things, or do you feel sad about not having achieved a good deal more? Or have you, after wondering about it and feeling bad, have stopped thinking about it at all.
I have been wondering: Do I have to be happy about the fact that I passed out of the two best institutes of the country, or do I have to be sad about not making the kind of impression I could have? Am I a success or a failure? If I was to die tomorrow, what would people remember me as? Why do I even care? Does it even matter?

I am an asshole, you might say after reading what I am about to write. But as I try to stay happy with whatever I have, I do have a few questions about why life is the way it is? If God did give me intelligence and the potential to make it big, why didn't he, for all his benevolence, grant me the patience to use that intelligence the best possible way? Why can I never study, never apply myself into anything, and cannot carry on doing the same job after a period of time?

If someone asks me about my USP, it will be this: I can do better than any other person in the universe in a field about which the inherent knowledge both of us have is zero. I think I am that good and that talented. But what have I done of that talent, except fretting it all away.

Would you make the same choices in life if you had a chance? Answer honestly. I probably might still do it, because in spite of a bleak future I think I have already had the time of my life. Anything more and it is just a bonus.

Friday, September 14, 2007

I got hit last night..and blew it

First of all, for those who care, I reached France hale and hearty. Me and Ghai have a two bedroom flat and we have a pretty good time eating drinking and visiting. No internet yet at our place though, but man, you have got to hear this story, and believe it its true.

Time : Wednesday night arnd 1130

Place: A pub in Bordeaux, where us international students of the BBS were having a party.

Main cast: Other dudes from IIMC, hot Hungarian blonde girl and me.
Supporting cast: Hot girls from all around the globe, including Venezuela and Turkey. Other males.

The other dudes (Ghai, Sonkar, Ravi) and me were standing in front of this hot Turkish female who was like sizzling. And then well, we were pretty good and high, when this girl comes up to our group. We are holding some straws which kind of light up the place, when this female comes up to us and asks for the straw, and we give it to her. She takes it and puts it in her cleavage, and we like let out a cool wow.

More surprise - She then starts dancing with us.

She (to me): Do you like this music?
Me: Not really, do you?
She (looking really happy): Neither do I?

Now just what should I have done? I had the perfect line inside my head: So do u wanna go outside and take a walk or something? But well, while I started thinking about the kind of things that could possibly happen, I chickened. All I came up with was : good, and I excused myself.

Meanwhile she starts talking with Sonkar, (trying to hit him with "India is very close to my heart" and some such shit) who being from the same alma mater as me, also blew his chance.

The next guy she went to, some German, took her out of the place, and we didnt see them in the party after that.

But well, just made me wonder - Maybe I am not so ugly after all, or maybe she was just too drunk.

I need some alcohol!!!

Following up: A blog about the Mahabharat.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

The Flash Gordon Trophy

Sorry about not writing for so long. Have been busy watching Mahabharat among other things, and after having finally completed all 94 episodes of the epic, I am ready to write about the greatest story ever told. Period.
But for now, here is another story. The story of what is going to go down into the IIMC tradition as one of the most healthy, sporty ones ever started. And I, and an entire batch of New Hostel residents, are proud to be a part of bringing about this tradition. Welcome to the Flash Gordon Trophy.
The Inter-Wing FooterVolley Tournament in New Hostel witnessed all the eight wings taking part. A lot more than the trophy was at stake here, it was the pride which each of these wings have. The eight wings were divided into 2 groups of four teams each. Dhobi Ghat (the E100's) and Stud Farm (the E300's) started out as the favorites. My very own Sandazz (W 300s) and Ba-stud Farm, which consisted only of PGP1's (E400's) were expected to be the other semifinalists, while WTF(West Third Floor - What the Fuck!!! W 400s) were considered the dark horses. Nothing much was expected out of Animal Farm (W 100s), Sinners Paradise (E 200s), and Azaad Pankh (W200s). But well, like all tournaments, this one had surprises galore!
But first a bit about FooterVolley, for those of you who don't know. It, as the name suggests is a mixture of football and volleyball. It has almost the same rules as Tsepak, except that three bounces are allowed on the floor before the ball crosses the net. Only three touches are allowed, and any number of players from one to six can play from one side. However, for the tournament, the number was fixed from a minimum of four to maximum of five per team. During the league tournament, the matches were supposed to be one set long with first to 21 with a gap of at least two points winning, points only on serve. In case of the scores being tied 20-20, the advantage-duece rule applied. For the semis, we had three set matches, each set being first to 15, while the final was a best of five setter, and what a final it was!!!

The first match, between WTF and Animal Farm, was expected to be a one sided affair, with WTF having a pretty good team, and Animal Farm fielding a totally new team, PGP2's who had never played before, except practicing for three hours before their big debut. Churiyal, Dhamija, Jail, Dayal and Shireesh played the match of their lives to defeat the Vijay Raghavan (who had been tipped by many, including myself, to be the Man of the Tournament) led WTF. The WTF also had players like Shekhar, Tarun, and Bhutani, and a new finding, Dabas. Well, what a start to the tournament it was. Played under flashlights, cheering Squads on both sides, a great match to watch, and with me being the main referee of the tournament, a great match to officiate in. Animal Farm shocked everyone, including themselves, to gain a 22-20 victory. Everyone stood shocked. The tournament had begun.
The next match was the one which everyone expected to be a thriller. Sandazz, led by Dang and yours truly, were expected to give a tough fight to the Dhobighat team which had three great players, Kedar, Rishabh and Thakur, and a PGP1, Abhinav. Our team had Rachit, Fatter, Tanmay, and three PGP1's to choose from. But we produced an abysmal opening match, losing 21-8.
The other matches in our group, however passed by as expected, with Dhobighat and Sandazz beating both Sinners and Azaad, and that too pretty easily. Azaad beat Sinners with a team of PGP1s, to finish third in the group, while Dhobighat and Sandazz entered the Semis.
The other group, however, saw some good matches, and it was a pleasure officiating them. Ba-Stud farm, after an abysmal performance against Stud Farm, lost easily to WTF as well, in what was another shocker. Stud Farm then brought down the high flying Animal Farm with an easy 21-8 victory. In the match which was to prove critical, Animal led Ba-Stud 17-10, (and a victory would have surely taken them through to the semis) when someone reported they had done enough to reach the semis, and their performance fell. They ultimately lost 21-18, and then waited restlessly for Stud Farm-WTF match, where only a big margin of Stud Farm victory could take them to the semis. However, WTF, were able to lose by 21-13, making them the second team to qualify from the group on basis of their higher points per game average, even though Ba-Stud, Animal and WTF had one win each. It was sad to see Animal, who had played with so much enthusiasm, bow out.

The next day, the semis were upon us. Dang was unable for selection into the squad as he had already gone home. So noone expected anything much from Sandazz, who were facing their eternal rivals, Stud Farm, who had comprehensively beaten all teams in their group. However, Stud Farm looked tense, and taking advantage of some good team play, Sandazz, who had nothing to lose, went on to shock Stud Farm in the first set 15-8. We were leading 3-0 in the second set when a mistake by me gave Stud Farm a point, and the disunity that had been kept under wraps, began surfacing. It was all over then, I knew. We lost the second set 15-7, and the third 15-3 to bow out of the tournament. But what was worse, was that we could have won it easily, had our team spirit been good.
In the other semis, WTF lost to Dhobighat easily, 15-6,15-6, to set up a pulsating final. Two unbeaten teams in what was to prove to be a final worthy of the Flash Gordon Trophy.

The day of the final was delayed for two days because of rain. Before the final, there was a third fourth position match, in which we again started off brightly, but then, owing to infighting, we lost pretty badly to end up a disappointing fourth. More than the defeat it was the manner of the defeat which hurt. We lost in straight sets to WTF, 15-8, 15-3 (after leading 3-8 in the first set). Vijay Raghavan played like he had been expected to play, but hadn't the previous two days, and his serves were too much to handle.

The final match between Dhobighat and Stud Farm was not only between two wings, it was also between two different ideologies. Stud Farm were supported by Bastards, while most of the other wings were with Dhobighat, mainly due to their alienation with Stud.Stud fielded a four member team, like Dhobi, with Mithun, Katyar manning the front line and Fattu and Alu forming the back. For Dhobi, Kedi (who had been exemplary in the tournament so far) and Thakur closed at the net, while Abhinav was not allowed to do much work by Rishabh at the rear. Vijay Raghavan and I were the match referees. People had come from WH and OH to witness this match. As soon as the match started, I knew it was going to be a tough job managing the match. All line calls were contested, and with people from both sides cursing you, it was easy to lose your cool. I had a fight with a lot of people that day, but I stuck by my decisions, and I think it was a brave thing to do. The first two sets were shared. First to Stud 15-13, second to Dhobi 15-12.
At the end of the second set, some rain threatened, but it went away, and we started the third set. By now, the dominance of DhobiGhat was prominent. Kedi was playing brilliantly, and helped by some erratic show by Mithun, Dhobi won the third 15-4. It seemed a matter of moments before Dhobi laid its hands on the Flash Gordon Trophy. And then the rain struck.
It started as a drizzle, but soon began raining cats and dogs. The match was passed over to the next day, continuing at 0-0 in the fourth. The next day saw a great match, Stud were on the brink of elimination at 10-12 in the fourth, but gathered all their resources to win it 15-12. In the fifth, with almost all of NH cheering them on, and with Stud making mistakes, NH took a 9-1 lead. But then Katyar played the match of his life. He turned the entire match around, and when, at 14-13 to Stud Farm, I gave the header by Kedi as out, an entire stadium erupted! Stud Farm had won the Flash Gordon Trophy: 15-13, 12-15, 15-4, 15-12, 15-13.

The man of the match was Katyar, while the man of the tournament was Kedi, whose non-perfornamce after the day-long rain break was probably the reason for Dhobi's defeat. Having judged that match probably taught me more about Management, than all of fourth term courses. But more of that later. For now, enjoy beer, or whisky or whatever, and enjoy life. Thats what it is for.