Friday, October 27, 2006

My higher self

I am normally a pretty normal MBA in making, except that I am not getting totally caught in the placement rush of filling the forms. Am applying to companies though which only want resumes, and not forms. And I would like a Day 0 job, to get shortlisted, and convert PPOs. And while my normal self is an out and out extrovert, I have a deeper, "darker" side as well. Which writes most of the posts on this blog. Like this one. I think its my higher self.

We are told to be happy. To enjoy life. I am going mad probably, with all the crap I wrote in the last post, but what if I am being cured. What if I am seeing things in the right light, and the entire world is mad. What if I have figured out what life really is, and blurted it out loud, and all others around me are just not being able to see the truth, or probably too afraid to say it out.

Dont do the concepts of Hinduism and Matrix say the same things. Death is just the beginning of something else. There is no end. Why are we so afraid of death then, and why do we want to emcompass life with all the happiness? People who know me good enough tell me I have a "medical disorder" called depression. They want me to seek cure for this illness. And now I am ready, for their sake, to seek treatment.

For the record though, what happens if I find out in the end (of this life), that I was right all through? That I am already in a higher plane of thought, where things are so much clearer. That psycathric help is just another of these methods to pull you back into the earthly plane of life, to make you seek happiness, which is in real terms, an imaginary concept. We all have a void in our lives. No one is happy. Everyone is chasing happiness, and all who chase it dont get it.

You know, then people say, "If you had everything, what else would be left to do?" The point we miss however is, that you can never have everything. In life we run chasing things which we think will make us happy. If we dont get them, we get sad, and if we do get them, we realise that it wasnt the thing we were after. And we seek a new object of affiliation. And this cycle continues.

And someone would now say, "this is exactly what life is." Death is just the end of this suffering, something which shall make us happy. Then why do we shy away from it? Why do we want a long life? Why do we run after happiness so much?

I had an accident in a bus recently, which made all people around me take some sort of preventive action as the breaks were suddenly applied, and I noticed that people started churning out prayers in their native tongues. And I also noticed that I was the only one calm. The accident later turned out to be a minor one, but it made me sure of one thing: I am not afraid of death. And I think I am happier than all of you just because of this fact. And which also makes me not seek death anymore.

I dont want to die because I am sad. Exactly the opposite. Its just because I dont want to run after happiness, which is what life is all about. Once you find that true happiness within yourself, like I have started to, life becomes meaningless because you have nothing more to do. But I am living on for myself now. To enjoy this actual happiness. Hypocritic? I am a hypocrite, like my brother says.

I dont need anyone around to make me happy. I have started loving my peace around myself. Sorry to say this, but I detest people calling me, talking to me or coming to my room for asking questions. I just want to be alone. Totally alone. I have stopped feeling things for others. Noone matters to me. Nothing can alter my inner peace, not even I probably.

Friday, October 20, 2006


I am heavily drunk right now. Which makes this blog a lot accurate than what it has been in the past.

We are all runnning away. From Death, which is the end but we refuse to admit it. Death is peace, the end of all the pain that life has in store for us. Life is pain. The joys in life are just a detterent. We try chasing happiness. Its like "You just get good marks in 10th. Life will be much better then." When you do that, its "Get through JEE, you will have nothing to worry about." When you make it through IIT, it is "Get through Mckinsey/BCG, CAT and life will be great". When you make it through IIM, it is "Get a Day Zero Summers, and life is chill throughout.". Life is never chill, It is one big pain.

Death is the answer. and the best thing was if we could all run away. From life towards death. But we just cant. Because of our relationships. We all have to suffer because man is a social animal that needs company. And relationships that cause more pain than joy. Most people are blind to this simple fact. I am not, at this moment atleast. I am at a higher plane, and the only thing that causes me pain is the fact that I cant die, because it shall pain my family and friends.

I wish I could die.....