Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Mahabharat-12: The Bhima effect

The Mahabharat series returns after a 2-year hiatus. It will be nice if you could read the first 11 parts here to make some sense of this.

Shakuni : "So did you understand the plan?"
Duryodhana: Yes, mamaji, I did. But is it not wrong to do this?
Shakuni: What wrong? When he beats your brother isnt that wrong? Anyways all you are trying to do is to teach that insolent sob a lesson. You are the good guy here, remember that. You are trying to protect your brothers against the bully.
Duryodhana: I guess you are right, mamaji. Anyways we are only going to give him a long sleep, right, mamaji. But where do I get these sleeping pills from Mamaji?
Shakuni: Bhanje, you leave all those details to me. I will get made the tastiest food and shall add the sleeping pills to it. You just have to invite Bhima to eat it. And knowing him, I am sure he won't refuse. But make sure noone sees you make the invitation.
Duryodhana: I won't let you down, mamaji.
And off went Duryodhana.
Meanwhile, the Pandavas in their home were having fun discussing the various positions in the year end Kamasutra magazine, which Yudhistra, using his superior diplomatic skills, had managed to get away from uncle Vidura. Most of the positions were pretty acrobatic, and the rest of the Pandavas were making fun of Bhima, and how, considering his bulky nature, he would not be able to try the majority of them. And this drove Bhima mad - at his own brothers.
Bhima: I will make all of you suffer. You guys just wait. (And he rushes after Arjuna with a stick).
Yudishtra: Bhima, remember what Mom Kunti and Uncle Vidura told all of us. I am the eldest, and always right.
Yudishtra (being the elder brother who got scolded by Kunti if anyone fought among the Pandavas): Shaant, dandadhari Bhima, shaant!! Arjuna, apologise to your elder brother!
Arjuna: Sorry bhai!! (And see what dirty connotations of that simple statement did Bollywood come up with all these years later).
Nakul and Sahadeva: Sorry Bhai!!
Yudishtra: But Bhima must have his anger assauged. And we people should also learn a lesson not to be disrespectful to Bhima. So Sahadeva, being the youngest, should bear the brunt of Bhima's anger. Bhima, you can give a tight one of the stick to Sahadeva.
And Bhima obliges. But is still quite glum. And so Nakul too is sacrificed.
Nakul and Sahadeva are both clutching their bottoms at the end of it all, wondering what wrong did they do - they did not actually said anything and had only laughed at the jokes Arjuna and Yudishtra made.
Yudishtra (thinking): This will teach these sons of Madri a lesson. She was the one because of whom Dad is dead. And that will also teach them not to ever go against Bhima - and by extension, against me.
Bhima's anger has calmed down by now. And Arjuna and Yudishtra get scot free.
So Yudishtra tells Bhima to calm down and says, "But seriously Bhima, you need to do something about this fat body of yours. You have lost all your muscles now. All you have is fat. Even Mom Kunti had to hear jokes by aunt Gandhari and Uncle Dhritrashtra regarding your weight. You are just 13 now, what will happen when you reach 30, and more. I hate to think. So from tomorrow, I have told uncle Vidura to put you on a strict diet control. No more Aloo ke Parathe for you. All you can have are those Subway sandwiches."
Bhima: But bhaiya, that is so unfair.
Yudishtra: It is all for your good, you will realize. See Arjuna already has had three girlfriends, while you have none. Why do you think that is?
Bhima: That is because I am not interested in one. I am sure I can find myself hotter females who will be enamored by my muscles (showing his biceps) if I tried. Arjuna is ready to do whatever girls asks them to do. He tries a bit too hard, and some girls like that. On the other hand, I have too much dignity. And Bhaiya, even you never have had a girl friend. Why do you think that is?
Yudishtra: I am the eldest brother. This is no way to talk to your elder brother. I will go complain to Mom if you do not apologise.
Bhima: Okay I will! Sorry Bhai (Thinks: He is such a sissy)
Yudishtra (suddenly feeling the urge to press his advantage): And what Arjuna was joking about is right. You will have trouble to have even missionary sex with this huge belly of yours. What is your Body Mass Index? In hindsight, I think I will ask Uncle Vidura to change your Subway Diet to once-a-day Subway Diet. Don't look so glum brother. It is for your own benefit. So you can have good sex. (Thinking: Even Bhima should get good girls once he thins down a bit. Then, like with Arjuna, I can emotionally blackmail him too, and get to second base with his girlfriends as well. Too bad Arjuna has not gone all the way yet with any of them. I am too uptight and unsmart to make the effort to get a girl myself anyways).
Bhima: Yes brother I understand. May I go for a walk now? I need to get fit you know.
Yudishtra: Yes you may.
Bhima goes out of the palace, feeling really depressed. "Once a day Subway diet, how will I ever survive on that?" he wonders, when suddenly he sees Duryodhana approaching. And he remembers the embarrassment he had brought upon his cousin during the afternoon and he lets out a loud laugh.
Bhima: Duryodhana, what are you doing in the Pandavas apartments?
Duryodhana: Bhima, I had to talk to you about something.
Bhima (suspiciously): What is it Duryodhana?
Duryodhana: I am having a small problem, and only you can help me.
Bhima: Why should I help you, you Kaurava!
Duryodhana: Because I will do whatever you want. You know I had a bet with my younger brothers that I could eat 30 pooris in one sitting, but you know I cannot. And I lose two months of pocket money if I lose. Shakuni Mama has agreed to be the adjudicator and will serve food to me. But I have worked out a deal with him, and he will serve you instead. Hence accompany me to the kitchen, and you can eat on my behalf. I will give you a month's pocket money. I cannot lose face among my younger brothers you know.
Bhima (Smiling, Thinks: The fool! He is giving me money for doing what I so desperately want. Food. Let me squeeze him further though): I will do it if you agree to provide me with food for breakfast and dinner also. Your breakfast and dinner.
Duryodhana (desperately wanting the plan to succeed): Yes, whatever. Please help me.
So Bhima goes to the kitchen with Duryodhana, and eats 30 pooris, which according to Shakuni's plan, was adulterated. Not with sleeping pills though. Shakuni had added a full bottle of rat poison in the dough, potent just enough to kill a person who drinks the entire bottle, which Bhima inadverently had. As soon as he finished the food, Bhima fell sleepy as the poison started acting up. Shakuni, in the meantime went to answer the call of nature, and Duryodhana, seeing Bhima sleepy, had a brilliant idea (which can be written as !! in Chess, but actually became a ??). Duryodhana drags the body of Bhima out of the kitchen along with Dushasan, his trusted No. 2 and throws him into the Ganga, and tells the happy news to Shakuni when Shakuni returns after relieving himself.
Shakuni was livid when he hears what Duryodhana has done.
Shakuni: Even fools use their brains sometime, when will you use yours?
Duryodhana (shocked): What do you mean Mamaji, have I not done the right thing? Just making him sleep would not have been a big enough punishment for him right, so I thought I will throw him into river and make him suffer. I sometimes think I am a genius Mamaji.
Shakuni: You fool! I had planned it all. It would have been a big enough punishment. But now you have spoiled it all.
Duryodhana: Why Mamaji? Now he will know not to take panga with me.
Shakuni: (Thinking: I would have burned his body, and all trace of Bhima would have been lost. People would have assumed Bhima ran away because of the tough diet constraint to be placed on him. But now, his body will be found and a thousand questions will be asked. Let me prepare how to handle with him). Duryodhana, you now go and play with your brothers. Let me see what to do. And Dushasan, no one should know about this except the three of us. Right?
Duryodhana, Dushasan: Yes Mamaji.
Meanwhile, the river Ganga was infested with snakes at that point of time. The snakes bit the unconcious Bhima, and anti-venomed the effect of the rat poison. And Bhima was rendered conscious as the poison in his blood was neutralized. The first thing he felt was lack of air in his lungs. He wanted to swim up, but having had always not played attention in swimming classes, he failed. Death loomed on his head as he saw himself being pushed down towards the water bed. But lo! On the water bed before him was an entire palace of gold. He floated himself towards it. And saw the city of the Nagas - the snake people, who were his Mom's maternal uncles. Talk of luck, he thought, as his head swirled - the effect of poison and the water filling his lungs.
Bhima was taken prisoner by the guards of the city and presented before the king of the Nagas, who turned out to be his maternal grand uncle. Bhima noted that he could breathe normally now, even with water all around him. It was a lot like magic. Bhima was still too confused to understand the effect of what happened. After the introductions, Bhima was received warmly by his grand uncle.
Naga King (NK): Welcome to Athlathi - our capital under water. Noone ever comes here, and Bhima, you are a brave man to come here. What brings you here.
Bhima (confused): I dont know. I guess it was food. I feel weak. I need food.
NK: Yes we will give you food. And a lot more. What do you want Bhima, tell me. Do you want money, or sex? Or both. I have a harem of beautiful women. You are my grand nephew and are eligible to enjoy with them. I have much money also, as you can see in the golden palace. Ask I will fill you up with women and money.
Bhima (Thinks: I need to say sex, I want sex the most, yes today will be a culmination of my desire. And I wont even have to become a slave of women like Arjuna does to get one): If you want to give me anything, give me strength. And make me seem the same muscular self I am right now no matter what I eat. That is all I want. I want food. And strength. (WTF! What did I just say??)
NK: Lemme see about it. Women and money would have been easier. And the physical appearance part is also easy. But strength. This one is tough. Chief Minister, do we have anything for strength.
Chief Minister (CM): Yes sir, we have just have had invented a new strength providing capsule. You had employed your best scientific minds to make that capsule exclusively for you. But sir, it is the only tablet we have. And we have kept it for you. It gives the consumer the strength of 16000 elephants. And the scientists who researched the tablets are all dead as per your order - so they could not make another.
NK: So what, Bhima is like my own son. Give the tablet to him. He asks me for strength and we will give him.
CM (Thinks: What a fool our king is? I should be the king, if only my plots will come off once a while).
So Bhima takes the tablet, and immediately gets the strength of 16000 elephants.
The Naga King then orders his CM to leave Bhima to the banks of the Ganges using the submarine. And from there, Bhima comes back to Hastinapur and his palace.
In his absence, rumours had started abounding that Bhima had left the palace as he could not keep up with the strict diet code of his own elder brother. There is large mourning for him, and as Kunti was wailing aloud, along with Gandhari, Bhima appears and tells everyone his Naga King story. He had however, conveniently forgotten about the 30 poori lunch by then, and no one gets to suspect Duryodhana. Some rumours even abound that Bhima had taken rat poison in view of living the one a day Subway diet. These rumours - started by Shakuni - were so strong that even Bhima could not refute them. But it did not really matter. Bhima had the strength of 16000 elephants, and he could eat all he wanted. That was all that mattered.

Wednesday, December 09, 2009

The XYZ theory on love, relationship and commitment - and why arranged marriages cant work

(This matrix can as easily be a 4-d space with sex added as the fourth dimension. However, after much deliberation I realised that sex is actually independent of the other three dimensions and hence can be settled separately. Moreover, a 4-d space will be much harder to visualize).
(This is a gender-neutral post. So if anywhere I have mentioned a he, it means it. Or whatever).
Imagine a normal 3-d space with the x,y and z axis. A 3-d coordinate is represented as : (x,y,z) (For the non-mathematician, the order of x, y and z is important).
Any single person out of love lies in the (0,0,0) point of the 3-d space. Being a mathematician myself, I will call this the origin. He has no love, is in no relationship and has no commitments. A person stranded at this particular point is looked down by his in love, in relationship and committed peers, who have already climbed up the ladder to reach the coveted (1,1,1) position. Let us call this the destination, for want of better names.
Now, as any person who knows the word "entropy" and the third law of thermodynamics will tell you, the natural order of the transportation from the origin to the destination, is through the path (0,0,0)->(1,0,0)->(1,1,0)->(1,1,1) (For those who donot understand coordinate geometry OR vector space, why are you reading this? :D.) It basically means that first people fall in love, then get into relationships and finally get committed. That is the natural way to get to the coveted destination, and the more honourable way to get laid as well. This is how love works as well, and love marriages follow this route - which is the more natural route. The concept fails, however as the three jumps are difficult to make for certain "losers". So while, theoratically, love marriages are a great concept they often fail, as i) some people fail to fall in love, OR ii) some of those that fall in love, fail to get into relationships with the persons they fall in love with, OR iii) most of the couples in a relationship fail to get into a commitment, mainly due to family issues or just because love is transitory. So this awesome concept, fails in the practical world.
And so Indians, being a practical and jugaadu species, have developed the concept of arranged marriage,which, however, follows the opposite route. The final aim again is to reach the destination, but the path now taken is (0,0,0)->(0,0,1)->(0,1,1)->(1,1,1). (You reach into a commitment first, then into a relationship, and then find love in the relationship). This is not entropy based, and as even a child can tell you, highly unnatural. These jumps, while impossible to make in the normal way - for example, the third jump is not possible theoretically as familiarity breeds contempt, not love - have flourished under Indian society. These conditions are basically the continuous conditioning of the girl child to make arranged marriages work. All the onus is on the female half of the marriage too make her marriage work - and it is her failure if it fails. It is she who has to make all efforts to make the guy jump stages and pretend to do so herself. However, with the present generation being influenced by the western world, and women no longer ready to do anything to make marriages work, the future of the arranged marriage looks bleak.
So if both the marriage techniques available are either impractical or theoretically impossible, what do we do? Let us look back at the different positions possible on the x,y,z space for people in different stages.
(1,0,0) is an unstable situation as either a person in love falls out of it, or else takes it to the next level. The situation where (1,0,0) is often tricky and is often accompanied by large intakes of alcohol with the wondering question of (she/he loves me, she/he loves me not). The earlier the person is out of it, the better.
(1,1,0) while being a pretty good state to be in, is also unstable. Over time, and in the conservative society that we live in, commitment becomes important. So either people break up if commitment is not forthcoming or else take the step up to the destination. I would personally prefer this state as it is the happiest.
(0,0,1) is a bit of no-state actually. It almost necessary translates to (0,1,1) - its analogous in chemistry would be the nascent compounds, which are formed and broken almost immediately.
(0,1,1) is the state most people live in throughout their arranged marriages, or jump to (1,1,1) in case of really successful marriages. This is a relatively stable state, but definitely not a very happy one. You always have a feeling of missing something.
Which leaves us with the origin and the destination. Is the origin such a sorry state to be in? Maybe not, as this has been described as, among other terms, as the ""Khulla Saand" stage. This is the time to explore. Countless people dwell in the origin and are happy doing that - for eternity.
And is destination the happiest place on earth? I am not too sure, or so many love marriages would not end in divorces. Maybe, the thing is love itself is too far overrated, and hence it decreases over time. Love is just the beginning, but another things, like money, are the deciding factors. And maybe we could have a fifth dimension here. That of money. But more of that later.

Tuesday, December 01, 2009

Sex in IIT

(Wrote this piece around two years ago. Still pretty relevant though). Question: "What is sex in IITD like?"
IITD Male1 (Frustrated Stud): "One sex only - male. All others are non-males."
IITD Male2 (Frustrated Best Friend): "Non-existent. IIT girls are very seedhi-saadhi, you know"
IITD Male3 (The Geek) : "What's sex?"

The Stud: Handsome and rich chap, mostly from Delhi and adjoining areas. Always believes that beauty*intelligence = constant, and is often seen complaining about JEE being an intelligence centric examination. Tries his hands therefore at girls from adjoining female colleges, but because of the reputation that the general IITian has managed over the years (of being very weak at socializing with others, a frustrated soul who ogles at every girl passing by, is rarely good at anything else other than engineering - and the third one is purely false), has a pretty disappointing success ratio of around 2%. Its improving, thankfully, though. (There are super studs, however, who despite being IITians, have managed to dump girlfriends every second month. But more of that later). Loves watching porn and is not ashamed of it.

The Best Friend: The quintessential IITian guy. The one ogling at girls in Priya and PVR, looking at them like Adam looked at the forbidden apple. Mostly from the countless small towns of India. Middle class, who has made it through hard work. Has simple ambition, and so settles for the girl sitting next to him in class, and tells himself, "she might not be beautiful, but she is pretty smart. She will make a good wife."(They generally dont). And after countless workshops, assignment, treats and movies together, when he says, "I think I love you," the female, not a fool herself, says, "but you know, I don't think of you that way. You are my best friend", 97% of the time, and that is the end of that. The rest 3% get lucky, but sex is only for after marriage, for IIT girls are very seedhi-saadhi. However, as soon as the 4 years of IITD lives get over, the love lives also generally end, leaving the guy with alcohol and a lot of debts to counter, and the female with a new older richer lover. Loves watching porn but is ashamed to admit it.

The Geek: The smartest chap of them all. Pays attention to only books in the first year, gets great grades, catches attention of the sexiest girls (whatever that means in IITD context), who want him to teach them and in return he gets to know about what sex is like in IITD. And
going by the statements of a few of them, they find its pretty cool. Loves watching porn but publicly swears never have seen a single one.

Welcome to IIT Delhi. The place, famous, among other things for the frustrated beings ogling at PYTs in Priya and PVR Saket. People who only want sex. And who can blame them? In a good batch, the male:female ratio is 8:1, while in a typical batch, it is 20:1. And all of the females who manage to reach IIT are, in all probability, unlikely to win any awards at any of the beauty pageant. Even then, the skewed ratio makes them the queens in IITD, and the males, either their slaves or the oglers at Priya, or typically, both.

There are plenty of jhaadis (shrubs) in IIT Delhi, making it a great place for people to do it.Sex in IIT Delhi is pretty common, therefore. However, due to the reasons mentioned above, the only people doing it in IITD are usually outsiders. But, as they say, every rule has an exception, and here are three of them I know - in chronological order.

A senior of mine (a superstud, if ever there was one) dated models only. And he changed them every other month. And he was caught having sex with one of them by a security guard.- 2004
A batchmate of mine , on the other hand, climbed the roof of the house of a Prof. whose daughter was/is/will be the hottest chick in IITD, and spent the night with her.-2005
A junior of mine was caught naked with his IITian girlfriend in one of the blocks one night, doing it,by another security guard . -2006

However, such incidents are less and far few, and while the opening of a bar just outside IITD has made it easier to see IITian guys and gals hanging out drunk and obviously planning to have sex, the plans remain just that : plans. Because deep inside, IITians, (the majority of them at least), are still very conservative, and believe what their religions preach - and dont all religions preach the same when it comes to sex? - No sex before marriage! It was true when I joined, back in 2001, and it was the true when I graduated in 2006.

But times are changing, and there will surely come a time when some frustrated soul will wear a Tshirt that says:
ALCOHOL : "Making IITians having sex ever since I graduated. "

Monday, November 30, 2009

The meaning of life. Explained all over. And a new religion!!

The greatest question mankind has ever faced is going to be answered in the following few lines. So keep looking for the answer. And the answer, for all you Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy fans, is sadly not 42.
The answer is simpler, actually.
And now we wonder why? Why is it that life has turned out the way it has? Why whatever we do seems to be meaningless? Why cannot we be satisfied with what we do? Why happiness seems surreal? Why everything good lasts for only a moment, before becoming part of the mundane existence called life?
The answer to all this is an absence of religion, or a lack of permanent addiction.
Imagine being high always. Religion gives you that high.
Life is what you mean it to be. It could be distressing, fucked up and lonely, but that is because you think of it so. If you believe on the other hand, that life is good, it is good, no matter what. You just need to believe it. And hope that what you do will make things fine and make you happy. This is exactly what religion does to people. It gives them hope, a hope that life is actually not as distressing as it really is, and there is some reward somewhere. And here is the concept of the new religion based on my learnings over the past few years that I am trying to develop. Here lies the genesis of a new religion, hopefully.
After having had wondered years to find the point of a pointless life, I have come to the conclusion that life, like happiness, is a state of mind. It is pointless, and all you are here to do, is get born, work your asses off and die, and become one of the 40 billion people to have lived and died in history without anyone ever remembering you. Some people might think of it as a happy life, while others may crib about it. But whatever it is, it is your life. You can change it if you want. The funny thing is, even if you change it, life in the long run (or the very long run) will become pointless. Or atleast try to change it, and be happy for the effort. You need to be responsible for your actions and inaction, and consider the effect of your actions beforehand, instead of blaming it on some higher power. All in all, the basis of this new religion is that you need to do all you can to make yourself (and just yourself) happy. The rest of the world will take care of its own.
Having come to the conclusion that life is majorly going to be pointless, I am happy. Happy because I am not ignorant, and I am happy to realize that life is pointless. Cheers to a pointless life!!! And cheers to the philosophy of being happy! And a happy religion!

Monday, November 02, 2009

The Groucho Marx effect

And I suddenly realised today, that most of my unhappiness stems from the Groucho Marx effect - the quote about "I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members".
This simple maxim has defined my life and made me unhappy. While I consider myself worthy of potentially a lot of things, what I get easily is never going to be good enough. And this defines me as a person - always wanting more, and always unhappy with what I have.
This stems largely from a dual degree of self-perception I believe. There is a part of me which knows I am a useless, worthless person and another part that believes that I am among the most intelligent people around. And this is what causes this dilemma.
So well, it has started affecting me a lot more as I have grown older. No job is good enough, and now I am actually questioning my friendships with people. Why are people my friends even though I am sick in the way I am? It might be because they are not good enough to find better friends, and hence, they are not good enough for me. And that is exactly the reason I think I can never really fall in two-sided love - because if I get the one I love, she will not be good enough anymore.
I hate myself somehow.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Yesterday was a bad day

10 hours at the office. And this on a Saturday, when we are officially NOT supposed to be working. I was supposed to go to Jalandhar for a wedding - but had to miss it because I was working.

Arsenal lost to ManU. Not that I am an Arsenal fan or anything, but I hate ManU (I also hate the English Premier League, but that is another matter, and post, altogether) . Because they had a certain C. Ronaldo. And because all decisions favour them. And what to say of the refereeing? And the diving? They played well for just 3 minutes and then just defended, and in the end they won. Not a great advertisement for football, certainly.
More importantly, and tragically, Milan lost to Inter in the derby della madonnina. And the captain, Rino Gattuso, was sent off. Milan didnt just lose, they were humiliated by their blue cousins. 0-4.
Djovokic never wins against Federer. Or against Nadal or Murray for that matter.

My work life balance is screwed up- totally and completely. Which leaves just these small matches in life to really look up to. And in that too, the teams I am supporting almost always lose. Which brings me further sorrow and takes my frustrations to new levels.
You know, a learned man might tell me, "Why do you expect so much? Why is there any desire? Watch sports for the pure fun of it, desire only leads to sorrow."

I know this, but without desire then, what is the point of life? And if the point of life is desire (and correspondingly sorrow), then why celebrate it? Any answers?

In short, life is not fair.

Forza Milan! Forza Argentina!

Friday, August 21, 2009

The 2-d ZSV matrix theory

(Do not judge me on the basis of this blog :D)

(The ZS company had no relation with this matrix and we apologise to use the term ZSV for this matrix. But we had no other option).
Author's note: Relationship refers to any sort of contact between a girl and a boy. A relation on the other hand is a mathematical entity connecting the x and y axis.

Imagine a 2-d matrix space in a relationship between a girl and a boy. The x-axis is represented by the girl's views on the boy while the y-axis is represented by the boy's view on the girl. Now well the girl can have two views on the boy- either she does not give to the boy or she gives (In Hindi, the language in which the concept is easiest to visualise, it translates to - degi yaa nahin degi):). The guys response then can be not take or take (loonga yaa nahin loonga).
Now for those of you who are mathematically inclined, let the girl's interpretation of the relation be represented by a binary function on the x-axis (for a particular guy) as x = 0 (nahin doongi) or 1 (doongi). Guys for whom girls have x=1 are called the lucky guys. At any particular period of time, of all the guys a girl knows, maximum of one can be the lucky guy. The boy's response can be similarly represented as a binary function on the y-axis (for that particular girl): y = 0 (nahin loonga) or y = 1 (loonga).
According to the matrix theory being developed by us here, guys can have three different kinds of relations with the girls they know, or even with the countless others they do not know. For want of anything better, we will call them Relations A, B and C. The boy can choose with which girl he wants to have what kind of relation. Depending on the relation, we refer to the girls as A-list, B-list and C-list. There is no limit on the number of girls you can have on each list.
A single guy normally chooses his relation as: y = 1 AND x. This is the Relation A. This is the most common relation for a single guy, as the other two are rather difficult to pull off. This basically means that if a girl decides to make him lucky, he will try his luck. There is no such thing as true friendship between a single guy and an A-list girl on his list. The choice (to give or not to give) is with the girl, and the guy will simply do what he is supposed to (take if given; else, you know what). This is represented by the classic Hindi statement (degi to le loonga) – which is the precursor to the matrix theory. Any girl at the time of start of the relationship is not ready to give and so has her x-value pegged at 0 – unless the guy is Tom Cruise/Brad Pitt, but we are talking about normal guys here. Then according to the relation A, as x=0, y=0. So, all relations of A type between a guy and his A-listed gal start start from a (0,0) point on the X-Y axis. The girl is not ready to give, and you can't take unless she gives (nahin degi to kaise loonga??), being the good guy you are.

On the other hand, in some cases (usually a very frustu/ evil guy, or a very hot female), the guy might decide to take things in his own hands (you pervs, always thinking dirty) and go in for a Relation B, which states that y=1(Nahin degi to bhee le loonga). Relation B is degrading to women and is the only cause of rape around the world. For the normal person, for all your fantasies about B'wood and H'wood actresses and what not, this remains a hypothetical scenario. For the rapists though, this might not be that hypothetical - or else there would not be any rape. You don’t have to be lucky in this case to get “it”.
So now, you might ask, if the relation A starts from (0,0) why do most single men choose this relation? Because, my friend, this is the only relation (other than the morally corrupt relation B), which can take you to the promised land of (1,1). The only way then is for the guy to convince the girl that he is right man for her. Call it flirting, true love or anything. This is the final deal. She gives and you take - perfect happiness. Different people have different modes to achieve this. The only difference is about how people go about it. Some people are the "bang bang, thank you mam" kinds. Their time horizon for the advent is pretty less, even with the hot girls. They are somehow easily able to get lucky. On the other end of the spectrum, are the losers, who take the longer friendship route, which actually ends up, after endless heartbreaks, where it starts (on x=0). Somehow, they still never learn!!
Our experience shows that to get yourself lucky, you need to either have the money, or the looks, or in the absence of both of the above, she should be sufficiently drunk. Or if you are smart enough, you could make her fall in love with you. In any case, once she makes you lucky, you get lucky.
So while relationship A generally holds for normal single guys, it fails for other categories of guys. A gay guy, for example, will have the following relation towards all women: y=0. This is the relation C. (Main kisi ki nahin loonga). Relation C assures that there can actually be no relationship possible.
Now well the only difficulty in the entire argument is that unlike the guy, who can have Relation A with many girls, for a girl, at a single time, only one guy can get lucky. (For those of you with dirty fantasies, we are talking of normal guys and girls here). So if you have decided on a relation A with a committed female, it can have a very small probability to succeed. You will have to engineer to make her present flame unlucky and then work hard to make yourself lucky. Too tough!! So it is much better to leave the committed girls on your relation C framework. Some people have a charm in this too, though, especially with the soon to be married women.

For a hetero guy interacting with someone he doesn't fancy (For you losers, this is possible - This is applicable for all happily committed men with all other women (mujhe jo tum mil gaye ho, ab mujhe aur koi degi bhee to nahin looonga), or even for the losers with ugly women - with ugly, I mean the really ugly kinds) Relationship C holds (Yeh to mujhe bilkul acchee nahin lagtee, agar degi to bhee nahin loonga). This explains why Irfan Pathan refused the advances of the girl who approached him -after his public engagement, he had placed all women in relation C.
For a normal, single guy with a hot, committed friend (this is a tough one) - either she can come in the ugly category (if she is committed to your friend - and you ARE BOUND to follow the bro code), which means from your side it should change to relation C; or, if she is committed to someone you do not know and the bro code does not apply, you can still try your luck and keep up the Relation A- but then the entire work is tough.
We are still waiting to streamline the matrix further:

FAQ: Is change in listing allowed once a guy has decided?
Yes, but only in abnormal circumstances. Like when a committed female has a break up she can go from C to A. On the other hand, when a ugly female (who is normally in your C-list) gets really drunk, because then the chances of you becoming the lucky guy increase, but you can only change her from C-list to A-list ONLY if you are above 37 years of age, and yet a virgin. In that case, if a soon-to-be-married woman needs a final fling before marriage, and because you are the first person you see, she can be dropped from the C-list (she was in the C-list because of the bro code) and put on the A-list. This defies the bro code, but well, if you are a 37 year old virgin because of the bro code, fuck the bro code.

(Illustrations added for better understanding).

Monday, August 10, 2009

And here we go again

I am really apologetic for not putting anything of note down since the last one year. The past year has been a pretty good one- in most respects, anyways.
In many ways it has been a year of contradictions more than anything else. There have been times when I have loved my job and there have been times when I have absolutely hated it. I have been busier than I have ever been, and even then, I have managed to find enough free time. I have made new friends and caught up with many old ones, and yet have found myself pretty alone more often than not. Have probably stayed up sober more number of days in the year than ever, but have had worse blackouts on certain days.
All in all, the start of the second half of the year is a good time to take stock of the last year gone by. And this is where I begin - life has become pretty mundane: go to office, come back, play PS2, watch a bit of TV, waste time on comp, and then sleep for another day. On weekends too, it remains the same (yep even the office going part, mostly :(), except that I drink/party on Friday, Saturday and Sunday. And yeah, read some books. In fact, make it "read a lot of books."
While the time for introspection has been pretty less, when I have, it has yielded new facts about myself, a few important ones of which are mentioned below:
a) I hate/am scared of the very concept of marriage/relationship: Friends around me are planning to get married, but I am scared of making any commitment yet. I am unable to see the point of it all - devoting your life to one person is such a waste of a good life. One reason could be the complete absence from my life of that entire love thing, whatever that means. And it might also be that I have internalised this hate for relationships/ commitment as I know no woman is going to find me attractive enough to love me (or commit to me). I do not know what it is, but I definitely do know that women as objects of lust appear more appealing than as objects of love – and as objects of lust is what I see them as now, especially while partying in places like Hard Rock CafĂ© and Howzzat. I have also started believing that there is no such thing as true love - and that it is just a name for endless compromises that people make in order to remove their loneliness. This concept is a drastic change from when I started this blog - I was a true romantic then, believing in love more than anything else. Moreover, I have grown out to be too self centered to actually think about making sacrifices in a relationship, like my friends do. One point in time I was probably ready to make sacrifices, but not anymore - and as I have realised this is probably a good way to live your life. But somehow, sometimes, I do feel terribly alone.
b) I am generally low on enthusiasm: I used to be a fairly enthusiastic child and college student, but now I have lost all enthusiasm. The motivation to do well in face of challenges has gone. I have come to hate responsibility as I am unable to motivate myself when given responsibility. Which is probably the reason for me hating my job - it places too much responsibility on me. This might also explain why I do not want the responsibility of a relationship or marriage – I am afraid I will not be able to motivate myself enough to carry it forward. The more the responsibility on me, the less keenly I work nowadays. I know it’s not a thing to brag about, but this is what it is. I generally laugh at people who show too much enthusiasm for life, or their work, or even their relationships; but sometimes, I do feel guilty for the enthusiastic me, who I have killed somewhere in the time past.
c) People bore me after a particular time, which is why when someone gets too close to me, I try stupid things in order to alienate them. I do not want to become best friend to people – as the burden is too much to bear. Hence, I become less nice to people who start knowing me better – eventually leading to estrangement. And the funny thing is, I do not miss the people who go, as new people always enter into my life. And then the whole cycle repeats itself. You know the Karma and all. But sometimes you do begin to feel guilty for seeing yourself with 20 good friends, none of whom consider you as the best friend. And then you feel alone, real alone.
But there is nothing you can do, and life, in general, is pretty good, except for the times you realize how lonely you have been. I am what I am, though. This is what is life, I guess.