Monday, August 10, 2009

And here we go again

I am really apologetic for not putting anything of note down since the last one year. The past year has been a pretty good one- in most respects, anyways.
In many ways it has been a year of contradictions more than anything else. There have been times when I have loved my job and there have been times when I have absolutely hated it. I have been busier than I have ever been, and even then, I have managed to find enough free time. I have made new friends and caught up with many old ones, and yet have found myself pretty alone more often than not. Have probably stayed up sober more number of days in the year than ever, but have had worse blackouts on certain days.
All in all, the start of the second half of the year is a good time to take stock of the last year gone by. And this is where I begin - life has become pretty mundane: go to office, come back, play PS2, watch a bit of TV, waste time on comp, and then sleep for another day. On weekends too, it remains the same (yep even the office going part, mostly :(), except that I drink/party on Friday, Saturday and Sunday. And yeah, read some books. In fact, make it "read a lot of books."
While the time for introspection has been pretty less, when I have, it has yielded new facts about myself, a few important ones of which are mentioned below:
a) I hate/am scared of the very concept of marriage/relationship: Friends around me are planning to get married, but I am scared of making any commitment yet. I am unable to see the point of it all - devoting your life to one person is such a waste of a good life. One reason could be the complete absence from my life of that entire love thing, whatever that means. And it might also be that I have internalised this hate for relationships/ commitment as I know no woman is going to find me attractive enough to love me (or commit to me). I do not know what it is, but I definitely do know that women as objects of lust appear more appealing than as objects of love – and as objects of lust is what I see them as now, especially while partying in places like Hard Rock CafĂ© and Howzzat. I have also started believing that there is no such thing as true love - and that it is just a name for endless compromises that people make in order to remove their loneliness. This concept is a drastic change from when I started this blog - I was a true romantic then, believing in love more than anything else. Moreover, I have grown out to be too self centered to actually think about making sacrifices in a relationship, like my friends do. One point in time I was probably ready to make sacrifices, but not anymore - and as I have realised this is probably a good way to live your life. But somehow, sometimes, I do feel terribly alone.
b) I am generally low on enthusiasm: I used to be a fairly enthusiastic child and college student, but now I have lost all enthusiasm. The motivation to do well in face of challenges has gone. I have come to hate responsibility as I am unable to motivate myself when given responsibility. Which is probably the reason for me hating my job - it places too much responsibility on me. This might also explain why I do not want the responsibility of a relationship or marriage – I am afraid I will not be able to motivate myself enough to carry it forward. The more the responsibility on me, the less keenly I work nowadays. I know it’s not a thing to brag about, but this is what it is. I generally laugh at people who show too much enthusiasm for life, or their work, or even their relationships; but sometimes, I do feel guilty for the enthusiastic me, who I have killed somewhere in the time past.
c) People bore me after a particular time, which is why when someone gets too close to me, I try stupid things in order to alienate them. I do not want to become best friend to people – as the burden is too much to bear. Hence, I become less nice to people who start knowing me better – eventually leading to estrangement. And the funny thing is, I do not miss the people who go, as new people always enter into my life. And then the whole cycle repeats itself. You know the Karma and all. But sometimes you do begin to feel guilty for seeing yourself with 20 good friends, none of whom consider you as the best friend. And then you feel alone, real alone.
But there is nothing you can do, and life, in general, is pretty good, except for the times you realize how lonely you have been. I am what I am, though. This is what is life, I guess.

9 comments:

Shefali said...

Wow!!!! welcome back zub :) Nice entry. i have to say that i haven't ever connected with someone else's words as much as i did with this entry..(excluding the true love and women and objects of lust bits) There are loads of loners, suhc as yourself, around :) maybe we all should gang up and not feel lonely???

Atish said...

for what its worth... i have seen very few people who can be so honest with themselves in a public blog.. i know i cant.
i wont comment on anything that you have said here.. abt loneliness, commitment and all those big words..
it's just that having known u ( or at least some of u ) for some amount of time... i wish life turns in a miracle or two for you... not to make you more happier or sad.. just to surprise you when you think you have figured it out..

if nothing else.. keep writing..

tarun said...

very honest...mayb ur just confused abt ur commitment situation...

tarun said...

zubinder on a lighter(read happy) note someone somewhr is made for you!!!

Mohan K.V said...

You might as well be reading my mind with (b)! Very nicely, very honestly written.

I wrote a similar post sometime ago too, it might be of interest.

(Randomly stumbled by via Amrit's shared posts)

zubin said...

(Shefali) Thanks, we definitely should.
(Atish) Your posts are also pretty candid I think. And thanks.
(Pangti) Now that is a really nice thought...no?
(Mohan)Welcome to my blog..And Thanks...nice post too :D

Nikhil said...

Long time ........
Zubin ....one thing u notice is ppl change a lot in an year so do their writing .....some of ur posts last year were way too depressing i was like is he the Zubin i knew in iit or has IIM made him a complet loser ?.......

nyways .. i agree with the last few lines of ur blog i hav seen ppl do ridiculous stuff to put off ppl because they are afraid of relationship and then wen they hav no relationship, are pissed off at thmselves and others, so it is the catch 22.........as for the lack of enthusiasm u remind me of Kevin Specy of American beauty.....

nyways hope everything is gud at ur end .....at my end things are awesome as always !!

sunny said...

Very honest and nice! Thanks for writing again.

And please be cheerful, life is full of surprises!

Anonymous said...

ab kya boloun bhai jaan ... think ladki ki kadki hai bas. waise enthu hone chahega to enthu bhi ho jaayega!