Friday, August 21, 2009

The 2-d ZSV matrix theory

(Do not judge me on the basis of this blog :D)

(The ZS company had no relation with this matrix and we apologise to use the term ZSV for this matrix. But we had no other option).
Author's note: Relationship refers to any sort of contact between a girl and a boy. A relation on the other hand is a mathematical entity connecting the x and y axis.

Imagine a 2-d matrix space in a relationship between a girl and a boy. The x-axis is represented by the girl's views on the boy while the y-axis is represented by the boy's view on the girl. Now well the girl can have two views on the boy- either she does not give to the boy or she gives (In Hindi, the language in which the concept is easiest to visualise, it translates to - degi yaa nahin degi):). The guys response then can be not take or take (loonga yaa nahin loonga).
Now for those of you who are mathematically inclined, let the girl's interpretation of the relation be represented by a binary function on the x-axis (for a particular guy) as x = 0 (nahin doongi) or 1 (doongi). Guys for whom girls have x=1 are called the lucky guys. At any particular period of time, of all the guys a girl knows, maximum of one can be the lucky guy. The boy's response can be similarly represented as a binary function on the y-axis (for that particular girl): y = 0 (nahin loonga) or y = 1 (loonga).
According to the matrix theory being developed by us here, guys can have three different kinds of relations with the girls they know, or even with the countless others they do not know. For want of anything better, we will call them Relations A, B and C. The boy can choose with which girl he wants to have what kind of relation. Depending on the relation, we refer to the girls as A-list, B-list and C-list. There is no limit on the number of girls you can have on each list.
A single guy normally chooses his relation as: y = 1 AND x. This is the Relation A. This is the most common relation for a single guy, as the other two are rather difficult to pull off. This basically means that if a girl decides to make him lucky, he will try his luck. There is no such thing as true friendship between a single guy and an A-list girl on his list. The choice (to give or not to give) is with the girl, and the guy will simply do what he is supposed to (take if given; else, you know what). This is represented by the classic Hindi statement (degi to le loonga) – which is the precursor to the matrix theory. Any girl at the time of start of the relationship is not ready to give and so has her x-value pegged at 0 – unless the guy is Tom Cruise/Brad Pitt, but we are talking about normal guys here. Then according to the relation A, as x=0, y=0. So, all relations of A type between a guy and his A-listed gal start start from a (0,0) point on the X-Y axis. The girl is not ready to give, and you can't take unless she gives (nahin degi to kaise loonga??), being the good guy you are.

On the other hand, in some cases (usually a very frustu/ evil guy, or a very hot female), the guy might decide to take things in his own hands (you pervs, always thinking dirty) and go in for a Relation B, which states that y=1(Nahin degi to bhee le loonga). Relation B is degrading to women and is the only cause of rape around the world. For the normal person, for all your fantasies about B'wood and H'wood actresses and what not, this remains a hypothetical scenario. For the rapists though, this might not be that hypothetical - or else there would not be any rape. You don’t have to be lucky in this case to get “it”.
So now, you might ask, if the relation A starts from (0,0) why do most single men choose this relation? Because, my friend, this is the only relation (other than the morally corrupt relation B), which can take you to the promised land of (1,1). The only way then is for the guy to convince the girl that he is right man for her. Call it flirting, true love or anything. This is the final deal. She gives and you take - perfect happiness. Different people have different modes to achieve this. The only difference is about how people go about it. Some people are the "bang bang, thank you mam" kinds. Their time horizon for the advent is pretty less, even with the hot girls. They are somehow easily able to get lucky. On the other end of the spectrum, are the losers, who take the longer friendship route, which actually ends up, after endless heartbreaks, where it starts (on x=0). Somehow, they still never learn!!
Our experience shows that to get yourself lucky, you need to either have the money, or the looks, or in the absence of both of the above, she should be sufficiently drunk. Or if you are smart enough, you could make her fall in love with you. In any case, once she makes you lucky, you get lucky.
So while relationship A generally holds for normal single guys, it fails for other categories of guys. A gay guy, for example, will have the following relation towards all women: y=0. This is the relation C. (Main kisi ki nahin loonga). Relation C assures that there can actually be no relationship possible.
Now well the only difficulty in the entire argument is that unlike the guy, who can have Relation A with many girls, for a girl, at a single time, only one guy can get lucky. (For those of you with dirty fantasies, we are talking of normal guys and girls here). So if you have decided on a relation A with a committed female, it can have a very small probability to succeed. You will have to engineer to make her present flame unlucky and then work hard to make yourself lucky. Too tough!! So it is much better to leave the committed girls on your relation C framework. Some people have a charm in this too, though, especially with the soon to be married women.

For a hetero guy interacting with someone he doesn't fancy (For you losers, this is possible - This is applicable for all happily committed men with all other women (mujhe jo tum mil gaye ho, ab mujhe aur koi degi bhee to nahin looonga), or even for the losers with ugly women - with ugly, I mean the really ugly kinds) Relationship C holds (Yeh to mujhe bilkul acchee nahin lagtee, agar degi to bhee nahin loonga). This explains why Irfan Pathan refused the advances of the girl who approached him -after his public engagement, he had placed all women in relation C.
For a normal, single guy with a hot, committed friend (this is a tough one) - either she can come in the ugly category (if she is committed to your friend - and you ARE BOUND to follow the bro code), which means from your side it should change to relation C; or, if she is committed to someone you do not know and the bro code does not apply, you can still try your luck and keep up the Relation A- but then the entire work is tough.
We are still waiting to streamline the matrix further:

FAQ: Is change in listing allowed once a guy has decided?
Yes, but only in abnormal circumstances. Like when a committed female has a break up she can go from C to A. On the other hand, when a ugly female (who is normally in your C-list) gets really drunk, because then the chances of you becoming the lucky guy increase, but you can only change her from C-list to A-list ONLY if you are above 37 years of age, and yet a virgin. In that case, if a soon-to-be-married woman needs a final fling before marriage, and because you are the first person you see, she can be dropped from the C-list (she was in the C-list because of the bro code) and put on the A-list. This defies the bro code, but well, if you are a 37 year old virgin because of the bro code, fuck the bro code.



(Illustrations added for better understanding).

27 comments:

Pauperji said...

one of your best works till date
-Kapil

mithrandir said...

Back with a bang...mast analysis hai :)

TopGunner said...

Good Work!

Ronnie said...

one of your best work, and man what analysis, taking consulting too seriously eh!!

Nikhil said...

ha ha ha ha ........

feignman said...

I would like to see the theory get a lil generous and take under its wings the girls for whom x = 1 is possible for more than one male
(Trust me, they are normal :) personal experience, eh)

Avijit Sharma said...

hahahaha :)
Amazing, amazing post. perhaps %age estimates of each category and cases would would make this even more interesting ;).. and potential readers (read clients of this analysis) might want to maximize their returns(milne ke chances)

PS: I have been silent admirer of your posts, this post made me vocal.

zubin said...

(Kapil, Goli, Topgunner, ronnie, Nikhil) Thanks a lot!!
(Feignman) Just read the last slide, that particular situation breaks the Bro code..hence didnt consider that.
(Avijit) Hehe..is budhaape mein yeh kaam nahin hoga..Market study aap kar do..aur fir is matrix kaa naam ZSVA ho jaayega..

feignman said...

oh..i thought the bro code existed only between men who knew each other well (or in other words, were bros in the real sense)

my bad :)

Anonymous said...

ekdum mast..i was wondering if the sex matrix can be extended to 3rd axis, called 'Lust'..if lust is high, even the 'degi to bhi nahi lunga' category wali girls bhi lene wali mein aa sakti hai..wot say guys :)

sudhir said...

Zuberb!!Hats off to you to start a new branch of study.Thinking about a suitable name for it.. :)

Ashu said...

Brilliant Maths! But females don't understand numbers, that's why they never understand you :P

zubin said...

(Amol) Maybe, you are right. But the condition of x=1 for more than one person, does complicate things a lot. Further analysis required. Maybe you can help. :D
(Praddy) As always, tere funde samajh mein nahin aaye mujhe.
(Sudhir) Thanks, think of something :P
(J2) Wtf man? Where is the maths, and the numbers? And which females?

Ashu said...

Zubu. If u hv forgotten, all this coordinate axes, Matrix theory and Relation stuff comes under the purview of Maths. And never mind the females, it was a generic comment

Manu Dev Gupta / gilly@iitmadras said...

what abt when u hv plenty of money to buy the luck??? which category would that be in?

Instinctivecuriosity said...

Sahi! I'd like to reverse the axes and make one for the girls scene. There are plenty of possibilities. "Would think I'm slut so dena bhi hoga toh aaj nahi dungi!"
"He's the marrying kind, so might mistake me for not taking home kind, isko toh bilkul nahi dungi!"

:P And the like.

SO you see, its not so easy for us either. This subject needs more research.

PS: Saini Sahab, very nice post :)

zubin said...

@J2: Whatever! And comment #16 anyways proves u wrong.
@Manu: When u pay to get it, the money is causing her to go from x=0 to x=1. And then u know, as y=x, so u reach the (1,1) point.
@Instinctive curiosity: lol!!! I never really thought about the female side of the whole theory. This could open up a whole range of possibilities. Lemme start thinking.
And thanks for appreciating the matrix. People said a female never could :D.

Instinctivecuriosity said...

@ Zubin

Ofcourse we appreciate it, honesty goes a long way (not so much in women, but life in general) :P

Anonymous said...

legen...wait for it...dary!

~ adit

zubin said...

@Instinctive Curiosity
Yep, I am sure it does. Lol!
@Adit
Thanks a lot!!

zubin said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sudipta Chatterjee said...

This is ossum! Great write-up! :)

zubin said...

@Sudipta: Thanks.

Ankur Shanker said...

Hehe Zubin..another mast post from your hat! loved the analysis..

nikhil said...

You made my boring day man!! Machau post!

Indigo Lobster said...

Nice post .. U deserve an 'Ignobel' for this ... :D

zubin said...

@Shanker, Nikhil, Indigo Lobster: Thanks