Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Mahabharata 7 : The Kauravas and the Pandavas

Remember the saying "Jungle mein Mangal". Now, Mangal refers to the planet Mars and Tuesday which as all astrologers will tell you, refers to number 3. Tuesday is the third day of the week, Mars is the third nearest planet from the sun (excluding Earth), and is also the third smallest planet. So well the origin of the saying is also from the Mahabharat, or rather the fest that I am not going to describe here, as children and girls might be reading this, but to cater to the larger male dominated market, let me just say that Pandu, Madri and Kunti indulged in positions which made it to the new edition of Kamasutra because even the sages had not thought of them. (For all those of you who think that Vatsyayana wrote the Kamasutra, here is the truth - Kamasutra was a magazine long before Vatsyayana, compiled by sages. Vatsayana just brought out a bounded cover copy of the same, a long time after Mahabharat, and rated these new positions - of threesome with two innovative women and a man- the highest). All this while, because Kunti and Madri were still below 20 (which was considered the healthy age for a girl to get pregnant), Pandu wore a condom. All this sex was acting as a relaxant after all those conquests and battles, and Pandu was ready to go back to rule his kingdom, when tragedy stuck. One day, while hunting (and contrary to his forefathers - Pandu hunted only for the thrill of killing animals, for he had the two sexiest beauties waiting for him back home), Pandu saw this mating deer couple. Now, as the relationship between Pandu and his two wives was so sex-crazy, Pandu thought a dead dear couple mating in the bedroom would be a good simulant to have sex (no they did not have 7x porn those days, but people's preference have not changed since), and so decided to kill them both with one arrow. As soon as the arrow stuck the deer and doe, however, they changed form, revealing a sage mating with his wife. (Sages knew a lot those days - they could change form as wll, in case you were wondering), and yells of human pain and suffering filled the entire jungle. Pandu was shocked, and as soon as he reached the sage begged for forgiveness. But the sage was livid and dying, along with his wife, and it is very difficult to placate an angry sage, dying or otherwise. And here comes the most sex filled last words ever.
Sage : O Pandu, I was mating with my wife, because she was feeling horny (now, you know where does that word come from - horny means with horns). We try sex turning into different animals, and it was always great. But you have ruined it.
Pandu: Sir, I am really sorry, I did not know you were a sage, I thought you were but a deer and doe mating, and there are no anti-poaching laws yet (and even if they are, I will repeal them), but can you teach me how to do this - i will turn into a horse - for obvious reasons.
Sage: Fuck you, Pandu (Or wait, Never fuck you!). You killed me at my most intimate moment with my wife. I am dying Pandu, and all because of you. Because I am a sage and I have the power to do it, let me curse you. I curse you that, because you killed me when I was having sex with my wife, the next time you have sex with yours - no wait, not your wife, but rather any woman - you will get a heart attack and die. And I even include kissing.
Pandu: No sir, I am really sorry, but I did it inadvertently. Please don't let me through this. I will die.
Sage : That is the whole point dude. (and so dies the sage, along with his wife).
Pandu gets back, tells his wives the whole story and says - "now what is the point in living, I will rather die. I don't want to go back to my kingdom. I will spend the rest of my life here. No sex, no life, and what will I do. And I cannot even fuck you two beauties anymore. So you too can leave now if you want - but I have decided I like it better here. It is healthy and moreover, I can cancel that deal with Vidur".
Kunti :"Which deal?"
Pandu :"Well it was nothing, but I have decided, I am staying here. You two can decide for yourself, but it will be better if you leave and take new husbands - I will myself vouch for your talent as loving and caring wives, with extra stress on loving (Wink)."
Kunti: "bastard, you fucked us both. Metaphorically, I mean. What will we do? We can leave you but then who else will marry us? Everyone prefers virgins, not divorced women like us. So what do we do - We married the MEB of his time, and now see. Hey God, why do I have to go through all this? Help me."
All Gods (Together): "which one is she calling - Do we all go?"
Sun God :"This is not the mantra, you horny bastards. The mantra is in Sanskrit. You will know when you are called. Right now, she is just crying."
All Gods : "Oh, shit. OK"
Madri: "Kunti sister - let us stay with him. Having us around and not being able to fuck us will complicate his misery. Anyways, the way these people at Hastinapur look at me freak me out. Also I like it here - I was never much of a city girl anyways."
Kunti: "But I loved the city. This is not done. But otherwise history will call me a bitch, so I will also stay. But then who rules the kingdom?"
Pandu: "My elder brother, Dhritrashtra of course. I will send a telegram soon telling them we are not coming back. Make Dhritrashtra the king. Anyway I am not going to have any sons now."
The news was recieved in Hastinapur with mixed emotions. While Dhritrashtra was very happy, Vidura was sad. Bhishma and the other elders decided that everything happens for the best and made Dhritrashtra the king and Gandhari the queen of Hastinapur.
Meanwhile in the jungle, Vidur came visiting Pandu, and reminded him of the deal. Pandu said "but now I am no longer the king, and so the deal stands cancelled. "
Vidur:"But you were the king, and so I did my part, and now I just ask for my payment. Anyways you might give a thousand arguments, but I am not the wisest person in these parts for nothing. I will have an answer to all those. So just compile by your promise."
Pandu:"All right, you got me there. Kunti come out."
Kunti: "What is it? I am busy with Madri. Okay, aahhh, I am coming" (Wow - what a pun, she thought).
Pandu: "I have to talk with you. I had a deal with Vidur, he helps me become the king, I let him father my first child. Now that today is your 20th birthday, he is here to fulfil the obligation. The first Pandava (Son of Pandu) which actually be son of Vidur, and he will be the only one. But noone can know about it."
Kunti: "What kind of a cuckold are you, Pandu? I was just going to tell you a secret - I have a mantra with which I can seduce Gods, and all you want me is to sleep with your younger step brother. This is not done - I had rather sleep with Gods, if you don't have a problem, rather I will do it even if you have a problem."
Suddenly Ved Vyas appears upon the scene, in the jungle from nowhere. Pandu, Vidur, Kunti and Madri get up to greet him, and Ved Vyas says, "I know all about Kunti's boom from Sage Durvasa. I know she can be bedded by any God, but Vidur is himself the incarnate of Dharam (Yama - the God of Death). It is a long story, but I will still tell it to you. Once Yama sent a sage to hell, and when the sage asked that why, after living such a pious life, should he be condemned to hell, Yama told him, "You were a very pious man, but in your childhood you killed and tortured many insects. It is a result of those sins. " And the sage, although dead, was still a sage, and so he cursed Yama that because Yama had judged his actions no-justly, Yama was to live on earth for one full generation. (Living on Earth is a curse for Gods staying in heaven). So Vidur is that incarnate. Or well, maybe he isn't but just to make the story interesting, I will make him an incarnation of Yama. And well if Kunti beds him, the child born out of the wedlock (!) will be called Dharamputra, and the way I will write this story will make it seem as if she bedded the Dharam God itself. You know I love Vidur the most among my three sons. I can do anything for him. Infact, I am going to immortalize you all by writing about you in my fictional book, which I have decided to name Mahabharata. And Vidur will be always on the right side - don't you guys worry."
Pandu, Vidur, Kunti and Madri (totally flabbergasted) : "Okay - whatever." And Vyas goes out.
Vidur: "So Kunti, is this that time of the month?"
Kunti: "Yes it is. Let us go."
Pandu: "Yes, you two enjoy as much, but I want to watch."
Madri: "Pandu, can I join them? You know I love threesomes."
Pandu: "No Madri, you can have all the lesbian with Kunti, but to see you with another man will kill me. You are my favourite wife. But you can watch them with me, but please don't touch me."
And Vidur had the time of his life with Kunti, who after the blazing Sun God, and the persistent Pandu with Madri, didn't really enjoy it much. So she decided, once this is done, it is going to be the real Gods - incarnations won't do.
And so Kunti got pregnant, with Vyasa telling Bhishma, Dhritrashtra and the elders at Hastinapur that the son to be born was the "gift" of Yama . Meanwhile, Gandhari had already announced her pregnancy to Hastinapur, which was awaiting its heir. However, nine months passed by, and nothing happened. The lump in Gandhari's stomach just grew, and she did not even feel the labour pangs. On the other hand, Kunti delivered a healthy boy, a boy they called Yudhishtra. Hearing of the birth of Yudishtra, Gandhari got totally psyched, and being the masochistic being she was, started hitting her bulging stomach, which led to a big mass of meat out from her vagina. She then started wailing - the thing she did best, and tried cutting her veins, before Ved Vyas appeared out of nowhere - now you know who is the real hero of the story.
Being a great sage, Ved Vyas took the lump of mass, divided it into a hundred and one pieces, and put them into different pots. He read some mantras into the pots, and told Gandhari that everything will be all right, and took her to a psychiatrist, where Gandhari stayed for an year. Meanwhile just six months after the birth of Yudishtra, Kunti told Pandu that she had enough of lesbian sex, and that she wanted a real man (or God) - Vidura won't do. Pandu agreed on the condition that he be allowed to watch them in the act, to which Kunti agreed, and on a windy day, seduced the wind god, Vayu, through the mantra. (Just her bad luck that she got really horny on days that were the in days for her - if you know what I mean). It was a night of wild passion, the petite Kunti under the strong Vayu, and turned Pandu on a great deal, though it was too much for Kunti to bear. "Next time it will be someone gentle." This one night stand produced the powerful Bhim after a whole nine months. (Ved Vyas in Hastinapur: "Kunti got another child gifted by the wind God"). A day after Bhim was born, Gandhari came back presumably cured and the first of the 101 pots opened in Hastinapur, and out came a child, Duryodhana, the first of the Kauravas . The next day, another pot cracked and a new child, Dushasan came out. Every day since, a pot opened for the next hundred days, culminating in the birth of Dushala - the 101st child, and the only girl among them. These 100 boys came to be called Kauravas, the heirs of Kuru, a great king in this lineage. Duryodhana was the leader being the eldest, albeit by only a single day. Moreover, while Gandhari was getting psychiatric lessons, and was away, Drithrashtra, had a single night stand with a slave, and foolishly got her pregnant, producing a prince who was called Yuyutsu, who was just a day younger to Duryodhana.
Kunti got horny again on a rainy day and called the rain god, Indra, who was also the king of the demi gods, into her bed. Pandu was there on watch again, doing well the only thing he could do now - masturbate. This was the second best sex Kunti ever had (after the Sun God, Surya), and she didnt want Indra to go, but he being a God, had to. This act culminated in the birth of Arjuna, considered to be among the foremost archers of his time. (By this time, you probably know what Ved Vyas told back in Hastinapur).
All this time, Madri was feeling left out, and so decided to ask Pandu's permission to bed someone herself. Pandu was aghast, explaining that she was his dearer wife, and if she was to go slutty, what would he be left with. But well, Kunti could understand Madri's frustration, and persuaded Pandu to give her one chance, and after much cajoling, Pandu agreed, but just one time, he said, and he also forbade Kunti from having any more outsiders. Kunti told her the secret Mantra, which Madri used, in all intelligence, on the twin Gods, Ashwini Kumars, the gods of medicine. (Madri had some pretty good fantasies, you see). This led to the birth of Nakula and Sahadeva, twin brothers, and sons of Madri. ( You must have figured out what news reached Hastinapur).
So now in case you are confused by this time, we have 100 Kauravas growing in Hastinapur, living in the comfort of the princely life, along with Yuyutsu and Dushala, while we have five children of different mothers and fathers, who were often teased by other children in the jungle about their parentage. To offend these five, someone proposed the name Pandavas (sons of Pandu), and the name stuck to them. (This is an old trick - giving someone name what he really is not). And so came the Kauravas and the Pandavas.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Mahabhrata - 6 : Gandhari, Kunti and Madri

The three princes all had different gifts. While Dhritrashtra was blind, he was very intelligent and physically strong. Pandu was pale but very handsome and was to become a great archer. Vidur, while not being physically very active, was very wise, and became an excellent strategist. So, when the three princes finished their training, it was time to choose a heir to the throne.
Having Pandu as the commander of the army, and Vidur as the Chief Minister, Dhritrashtra was expected to be given the kingdom as he was the eldest son. However, Pandu and Vidur had a secret deal (something which will be revealed later), and while the choice was being made by Satyavati, the two mothers-sisters-wives (Ambika and Ambalika) and Bhishma, Vidur stepped in, and said, "Strategy tells that the king is the symbol of the nation. Having a blind king will not give a nice image to our neighbours in this time of Bharatization. They will think of Hastinapur to be weak. Moreover, internally also crime might rise. Hence, it will not be a nice idea to make Dhritrashtra the king. Make Pandu the king, and we can have Dhritrashtra as his main advisor. I will go now" (and he exits). Satyavati (to Bhishma) :" What Vidur said was right, Pandu will probably make a better king, but it will be so unfair on Dhritrashtra, Is it his fault that he was blind?"
Ambika : "All right, you have reproached me enough, it was my fault. I am sorry. But what you told me was that I was going to have sex with my brother-in-law, and I thought it would be with Bhishma, it greatly excited me. So imagine my surprise when I found out it was the ugly ogre, and I could never take him without keeping my eyes closed. Ask Ambalika how she felt, who you instructed to keep her eyes open" ."It has been a long time, mother-in-law, but still I almost faint when I think about your ugly son. People say he has become a great sage, but he still needs lessons in sex. He was not sensitive at all, so unlike my Vichu. Mother, you could have persuaded Bhishma - he would be a nice fuck" agreed Ambalika. All this time, Bhishma was thinking, "just what all could I have achieved was I not gay", but he stayed quiet. Satyavati : "Shameless women, stop talking about your sexual encounters in front of your elder brother-in-law men. I have made my decision. Pandu is going to be the new king. Dhritrashtra is going to be his advisor, while Vidur will be made the Chief Minister. Bhishma will be there to oversee that everything is going fine." And so that was that. Pandu became the new king, and the next task that fell to Bhishma was to arrange for the marriages of the two princes. (He had a lot of experience in that) (Vidur, technically, could not be married to a princess). But which princess would want to marry the blind prince Dhritrashtra? He searched far and wide, finally learning about this princess who was away from material things, was very beautiful but moody and liked shutting herself off from the world. Some even rumoured she was psychologically depressed, had tried to commit suicide and was masochistic, and this is who Bhishma chose as Dhritrashtra's wife. This was princess Gandhari, the daughter of the king of Gandhar and the sister of Shakuni - widely considered to be the real villian of the Mahabharat.
When Gandhari's hand was asked for marriage by Bhishma, Shakuni and Gandhar agreed, thinking their sister was going to be King Pandu's wife. However, when they were told that it was a match for the blind prince, both refused out-rightly.
Shakuni: "Bhishma, we cannot agree to this match, my sister is so talented and beautiful, and is versed with the Vedas. She will have a million suitors. Why should we marry him off to your blind nephew. Why did you not ask her hand for Pandu?"
Bhishma: "Because, quite simply, it is rumoured that your sister is also depressed and masochistic. She can become a pain in the ass for a more able husband. With Dhritrashtra also being like her (being blind he also rambles and complains all day - especially now that he has not become the king) , she can actually feel better about herself. Moreover, if I spread this rumour, and coming from me, it will sound true, no one will marry her. So what is your choice?"
Gandhar: "You have us here, Bhishma, you are pretty smart. Gandhari, come out." (He goes in)
Gandhari: "What is it dad? I am cutting my veins."
Gandhar: "We are getting you married."
Gandhari: "I told you, I don't want to get married. It is supposed to be nice - and I hate nice. I am masochistic, you know"
Gandhar: "But this time, it is to a blind man, Dhritrashtra."
Gandhari: "Really, wow, dad it is so cool. I would love it. What is better than this - being married to a blind man. Moreover, to increase my suffering, I will put on a band on my eyes, and not remove them. You know, how much I hate looking at this world - it is full of dumb people. And think, what all can I tell people - I did it because of my husband. Then it will be like a wedding of two blind people. Moreover I will be immortalized in history. I love this plan."
Gandhar: "Do whatever, I am sending you off with Bhishma, Shakuni is coming with you. Have a great wedding." Gandhari:"Thanks again, dad".
Gandhar (To Shakuni): "I think we got a good deal here. "
Shakuni: "No dad, even if we did, Bhishma defeated me in negotiations, and I hate losing. I will take revenge. I will defeat him sometime."
And so Gandhari is married to Dhritrashtram with great pomp and show, living with her eyes closed with a white band, becoming an epitome of Sati-Savitri in the later generations.
Meanwhile, Pandu had left to attend the swayamvara of Kunti, who was the most beautiful princess of that time and the daughter of king Kuntibhoj. She was actually the daughter of king Shoorsen (who was also paternal grandfather of Krishna), and was named Pritha, but she was adopted by the childless Kuntibhoj (who was best friends with Shoorsen) when she was yet a child and so the name Kunti stuck. Kunti grew up to be an obedient daughter, and so was very heartbroken to be told by Kuntibhoj, on her 16th birthday, that her parents were not her actual parents, and that her real parents had given her up. She was also told, in the same vein, that the famous sage Durvasa, who was famed for his anger, had decided to put his ass in their kingdom and that, as the eldest daughter of the household, it was her responsibility to see that Durvasa got everything he wanted. Kunti knew what that meant - Kunti for the next one year, was to become a slave for Durvasa, fulfilling his every fantasy - but she accepted, for she too wanted to experience sex. After an year, on her 17th birthday, Durvasa said, "I have had enough fun with you. You have given me great BJ's, and I have had the wildest sex with you. The condom that I have used also ensures that you will have no children from sex with me.I am very happy with you. I have to leave now, becuase that is why we are called sages. However, before going I will offer you two gifts - I will restore your virginity. Moreover, I think your pussy is the one which is made for the gods, hence I will give you a secret mantra through which you will be able to have sex with Gods of your choice. You can have all the divine sex you want. However, there is a small catch - Gods dont use condoms, so be careful. " "Yeah, I wanted to be a bad girl. Thanks o rishi - I will exercise discretion" said Kunti, and that was the end of that.
So on her 17th birthday, Durvasa left, arming Kunti with a secret mantra. She was alone now, remembering the crazy things Durvasa had done to her, and she also used to pleasure herself. However, one day all alone, she was in the act when she saw the setting sun and got dreaming about the Sun-god skimming her juices, and she chanted the mantra remembering the Sun god. And lo, in front of her, in flesh, was the sun himself, so handsome. Kunti:"Right now, I have those days of the month, you know. I was just testing this secret mantra, and guess what it works. So now see, I want you, but not now. So I will call you later, and we can have fun. Or if you have a condom, come and lets play."
Sun God : "Condom - what is that? Stop the talk and come lets play." And he gets naked, after which Kunti had trouble remembering anything but pure ecstasy. She forgets all about her periods, and the next thing she remembers, is the sun waking up and saying, "its time for me to rise, and you too. I think the way we hit off was great. I know now you are gonna be pregnant with my son, who is going to be the greatest warrior ever. Name him Karna, and I think he will be born with natural kavach (armour) and kundal (earrings). You know - I am a God, I can do anything, so I also restore your virginity, so enjoy."
Kunti : "But what about the world, what will people say about an unmarried mother?"
Sun: " That is your problem. And yeah - havent you heard the ultimate abortion song. If you havent, I love singing it - Yeh waqt nahin hai, ..."
Kunti: "Yes I have, I think it is boring. So if you dont care about the child, neither do I. I will abort him."
Sun: " You cannot abort my son, bitch. If you do, I will burn you down with my rays. Do you want that. Think of some other way. And now that the rooster has cuckooed , time to go."
Kunti: "Bye, I have thought of a way. This was great - will you come back again?"
Sun : "Can't even if I want to. Didn't Durvasa tell you this works only for one night, with one god."
Kunti: "Shit, he duped me." (And Surya disappeared as suddenly as he had come).
All through her pregnancy she stayed away from the public, and even her own foster parents didn't know what was wrong with her. She decided to act normally, but when her belly grew, she decided to hide from her parents, by telling them she was going on a trip with friends. And she found accomodation in a hut, and there delivered Karna, who was born with Kavach and Kundal. As soon as Karna was born, Kunti took him on the banks of the Ganga, placed the child on a basket, and let him afloat - "I am sorry to do this, but you know, I am a virgin, and I am not supposed to carry a child - what will people say?" And off went Karna, carried by the waves of the Ganga.
Meanwhile, Kunti came back, and started living her pre-Durvasa life, and at her 20th birthday, her foster parents announced, "We are going to arrange your swayamvara. You are so beautiful, you are going to make every prince in India want you, but just look out for the king of Hastinapur - heard he is the MEB around." and she replied, "sure". And so her swayamvara was announced, which witnessed kings and princes from all around India. Pandu was also there, having tanned himself through a new tanning machine. He was the most eligible bachelor around, and with the paleness hidden, looked pretty handsome. So Kunti chose him over the others, and off they were married in great pomp and show. And Pandu brought her to Hastinapur as the new queen.
However, for whatever protection Kunti took, the rumours flew, and Bhishma heard them about Kunti's character, her one night stand with the sun-god and her later pregnancy. He thought, "I will confirm the story." But before he could, Pandu had already gotten married to her, and Bhishma was aghast. He decided to keep the secret within himself, (about Kunti's pregnancy), "Another bitch in the family, why are all straight men in this household cuckolds?" And he thought, "I need another good wife for Pandu - never before has anyone in this family ever got a wife without my help, and I am really good at this job and moreover, I love being the matchmaker". So Bhishma had Pandu marry Madri, the sister of King Shalya, the king of Madras region, in that time. In part, this was part of a treaty between Hastinapur and Madras. Pandu got many lands from Shalya and also got Madri, while Pandu drew away Shalya's enemies, and annexed their kingdoms. Madri was a sizzling hot young piece, and when Pandu returned from the annexations, with Madri at her size, Kunti was aggrieved, but the love making abilities of Madri soon won her over. Madri specialized in lesbian sex, and had soon made Kunti swooning for her. The three of them (Pandu, Madri and Kunti) indulged in threesomes like no tomorrow, and Pandu decided to take a break from ruling the kingdom, and decided to go on honeymoon, with his two new wives, making Dhritrashtra the king in his stead. And that is when Dhritrashtra's ambiition was fuelled, leading to the Mahabharat.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Mahabharata - 5: The birth of Pandu, Dhritrashtra and Vidur

Vichitravirya became a king at a very young age and as such was dominated by his foster brother Bhishma, and his mother Satyavati. Vichitravirya, meanwhile, had just reached the age when people start learning about sex, and get boners without no reason. He had discovered a copy of Kamasutra, and had been spending sleepless nights reading about it and masturbating, imaging in his fantasies, among other things, his mother and foster brother together in bed - this was a common rumour going around, that after the death of Shantanu, Bhishma and Satyavati had been brought together by lust. (And it was partly true, being younger to Bhishma, Satyavati was attracted to Bhishma, and after the death of Shantanu, even offered herself to him, but Bhishma, being a true homosexual, turned her down, and they decided to be best friends thereafter - Bhishma keeping Satyavati's lust a secret, while Satyavati agreed not to let anyone know about Bhishma's "condition").
And while they were talking about the condition of the kingdom one day, Bhishma mentioned to Satyavati that the king had come of age, and it was time for him to get married. And Satyavati asked Bhishma, "Do you have anyone in mind for my son, Bhishma?" And Bhishma said, "The beautiful daughters of the king of Kashi, Amba, Ambika and Ambalika are of marriagable age, and are reputed to be very beautiful. The king of Kashi has arranged a swayamvara (a method where women could choose their own husbands) for them, but has not invited our king. This is an insult to Hastinapur, and so I will go and kidnap the girls, who will make good wives for our king, and will also help us avenge the insult. Moreover, I am adept at carrying girls off to marry someone else - remember you with my father. I will do a great job" Satyavati: " Oh, Bhishma, you are very jokey. All right then, go and get them for my son, we will have a grand wedding." And so off went Bhishma, to kidnap the daughters of the king of Kashi.
The King of Kashi was making preparations for the swayamvara. His anger at Hastinapur was due to the fact that Shantanu, in the days when he was shagging Ganga, had refused the hand of his sister in marriage. The Kashi king wanted to avenge that humiliation, and had thought, that not inviting Vichitravirya for swayamvara of his daughters would be a nice revenge. Now, unknown to the king, his eldest daughter Amba was having a pre-marital affair with Prince Shalya (the one who was defeated by Bhishma earlier), and had decided to place the wedding garland on his shoulders. The other two sisters were still undecided, and as they were readying to choose from among the kings and princes assembled, in walked Bhishma to the hall.
Seeing Bhishma, the other kings burst into laughter. King 1: "Isn't he Bhishma, the man who has taken the oath of never marrying? Then what is he doing here?". King 2:"The beauty of the three princess has made him forget his vow. He wants to bed them, just like everyone of us here." (Laughter from everyone else, including the father of the girls - it was considered a privilege then to have your daughter, and your wife, being seen as a sex object). The King of Kashi, then said, "Why are you here, Bhishma? We did not invite you nor your step-brother. Don't you have any manners, or any etiquettes - coming here uninvited like this? Go away, or I will have to tell my guards to throw you away." Hearing these words, Bhishma got really angry, and said, "I am here to abduct your daughters, and get them married to the King of Hastinapur. Heaven knows I cannot be moved from my vow (because I am gay, he thought, but let's leave the details), and if anyone tries to stop me, I will blow them away." And saying so, Bhishma let out arrows which caused every king present to lose his throne, and thus humiliating them, he caught hold of the three women, who were too afraid to say anything. He then holding them in his chariot, proceeded towards Hastinapur, while the other kings were too shocked to do anything about it. Only Shalya, who was just minutes away from marrying the hottest girl of that age, had the courage to pursue Bhishma, and met him in the battlefield - Bhishma and the three girls against Shalya and his entire army - where, like before, Shalya was defeated, and his life was spared.
Being victorious, Bhishma went immediately to Satyavati and Vichitravirya, and showed them his conquests. Seeing the big bosom ladies before him, the young king got an immediate boner, while Satyavati was happy for her son. She ordered a grand wedding, when suddenly, Amba spoke up : "I am already in love with King Shalya, I wanted to marry him, and I even carry his baby. Let me marry him, please, oh, the mother queen of Hastinapur." Bhishma was shocked, and said, "But why didnt you tell this to me earlier? I could have left you there?" Amba said, "But I was frightened of you - You might have had killed me. I only got courage now, in front of the Queen Mother". Satyavati, "Bhishma, make arrangements for sending Amba to Shalya. Give her great ornaments. Send her like my daughter to Shalya." And so Amba was sent off, all this time dreaming about Shalya. However, after reaching there, Amba was in for a rude shock as Shalya refused to accept her. "I have lost you to Bhishma, I cannot accept you back as a gift. Its like adding insult to injury. So go back to Bhishma and Vichitravirya - anyways that is a very funny name, what does it mean, weird semen, haha - and forget about me." Amba: "But what about our child, Shalya?" "Abort it. Or raise it up as Vichitravirya's or Bhishma's or anyone else. But I cannot marry you. The whole world will laugh at me for accepting you. I am sorry, I love you, but not more than my honour. Please go away." At this Amba started crying, to which Shalya sang the ultimate abortion song "Yeh waqt nahin hai rone ka, yeh waqt hai baby hone ka, arre tab kyun naa roee thee, jab chipak chipak ke soyee thee, ab jo kiya hai use bharo, tab to kehti thee aur karo, aur karo!" and saying so, he dismissed Amba.
Meanwhile, Vichitravirya got married to the other two sisters. They immediately agreed to complete his fantasies, indulging in threesomes and lesbianism. All that Vichitravirya (that name is too long) ever did was to fuck these two beauties. The kingdom was now actually being run by Bhishma and everyone seemed happy with the arrangement.
So, Amba got an abortion, and headed back to Hastinapur, hoping to marry Vichitravirya. But the weirdo (this is much shorter) decided that even a threesome took a lot of his energies, and he was not ready for foursomes. Moreover, while Amba was considered the hottest among the three, she had shorter breasts, and the wierdo was definitely a breast-man. Moreover, Amba was not even a virgin, and had also got an abortion, making her a strict no-no. So well, he rejected Amba, who having been denied a husband, blamed it all on Bhishma, and told him, "You are the cause for my plight. No one wants to marry me and I have to lose my child because of you. You have devoid me of my honour. Hence, you should return my honour by marrying me." Bhishma said, "Child, I am old enough to be your father. And even if that was not the case, I cant marry you because I have my vow to adhere to (and because I am gay, he thought). So I am sorry for your condition, but I cannot help you. The only recourse left to you now is to go back to Shalya and ask him to marry you" Amba : "Shalya has already rejected me, Bhishma, and my honour doesn't allow me to go back to him. You have brought this woe upon myself and so now, I vow myself, that I will plan your destruction" and off she went.
She went and met many kings and princes, but no one was ready to take on the mighty Bhishma. So she prayed to Lord Subhramanya, who granted her a garland saying that whoever wore that garland would become an enemy of Bhishma and fight him for her. Amba took along that garland and met many kings, who refused to wear that garland, and even king Drupad refused. So she, disappointed, left the garland at the gate of Drupad's territory and went off to search for someone valiant, finally going to see the Sage Parshuram, the greatest warrior of his time, and the teacher of Bhishma, and narrated her sad tale. Moreover, to press her case even further, she even gave the teacher a blow job, which had Parshuram gasping for more, and Parshuram said, "I can always sway Shalya to marry you if you give it to me," to which Amba said, "I dont want to marry that sob Shalya, he is a coward. Now all I want you to do is to order Bhishma to marry me, or to destroy him in battle and I will give you all you want." And so off went Parshuram, and ordered Bhishma to marry Amba, which Bhishma refused, giving references to his vow. So Parshuram said, "I have promised Amba I will sway you, and if you are not going to obey me, I will make you obey me. Get ready to fight." And so they faught, the pupil and the student, over a woman. Parshuram was the best fighter of his day, and he had killed 21 generations of Kshatriya in his prime, but he was getting old, and Bhishma was young enough. After days of fighting then, Bhishma defeated Parshuram, and Parshuram went back to Amba, "Forget him, he is invincible. Go and seek his refuge. And I know I failed you, but am I still entitled to a handjob or something?" And Amba was like, "If you cannot help me, get lost, you good for nothing, you get nothing. Now I will have to do something." And off she went to pray to Lord Shiva, who granted her a boon that she will destroy Bhishma in her next birth. And Amba, in a bid to destroy Bhishma, set herself on pyre, and that was the end of the Amba story. Or was it? We will see later, much later.
But for now, its time to look at the fuckfest at Hastinapur, where the weirdo was having the time of his life with his two wives. However, too much of sex kills, and one day, while having threesome as usual, he got an heart attack (too much blood had rushed into his organ), and died on the spot. The king was dead - there was no heir, and the Hastinapur dynasty was going to a close.
So well, Satyavati called Bhishma after the funeral was over, and asked him, "Fuck my daughters-in-law, they will still techincally be the king;s son, and Hastinapur will have heirs. As you know, a widow can technically produce an heir by mating with her dead husband's brother. Please do this for Hastinapur." Bhishma, "But you know, my vow, ohh wait, you know the story, I am GAY - do you get it - I don't fuck women - Is that fine with you. I don't care about what you think, but I can't do it. It is just not right, you know. Moreover, what will the world say if I break my vow." "Well then, Bhishma, you leave me with just one choice." "And what is that, Satyavati?" "I have a story to tell you, I have another son" and she proceeded to tell him about Parshuram and Vyas. "Oh my oh my, you are a whore, aren't you?" And she remembered Vyas, who suddenly appeared out of nowhere, and said, "Mom, why did you call me? What can I do for you?"
Satyavati: "Son, fuck my daughters-in-law. I will be sending them to you and you must have meaningful sex with them."
Vyas:" I will love it mom, otherwise with an appearance like me. I dont get any pussy." (Vyas was big and black and positively ugly, with hair and all).
So well Satyavati called Ambika, who seeing Vyas, closed her eyes and kept it close as long as Vyas was giving it to her, which was a long time. After this performance, Vyas came to Satyavati and told her that because of Ambika's not opening her eyes, the son will be blind. So Ambalika was told that she must keep her eyes open all through the performance, which she did, but seeing Vyas was not easy, and she fainted, which as Vyas told later, meant that this son will be pale. Satyavati, afraid of the consequences, then asked Ambika to get fucked again by Vyas, to deliver a healthy child, but Ambika, afraid of what happened earlier, instead send a maid in her place, who accepted Vyas gladly, and gave him the best fuck ever. Vyas later said that this child would be the wisest and the most intelligent. So, within nine months, Ambika delivered Dhritrashtra, who was blind, while Ambalika, after some time, delivered Pandu, who was pale, and the maid delivered Vidur, who by orders of Satyavati, was brought up like a Prince. And so their education started, under supervision of Bhishma.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

This is a true story

Location: Byron Bay Bar at Bordeaux. Day: Thursday. Time : 10:30 P.m. Event: Party of some school, with many Pretty Young Things (and when I say young, I mean like 16-17 years old), in it.

The Scene Outside : A group of 3 girls and 4 guys from that school are trying to get in, but are not being allowed by the bouncer outside. They try flaunting their I-cards, the babes try some sweet talking, but are not allowed, when the four of us Indians enter there. We are kind of regulars there, but we have never talked to the bouncer before, and are sure we will be thrown out. So, sheepishly, we stand in front of the bouncer, waiting to be thrown out, and hoping against hope, for some miracle to happen. And it happens - As soon as he sees us, he opens the gate, and we are like, "Is it for us?". And the bouncer says, "yes", and we are allowed in, and the bouncer addresses us in such respectful terms it makes us blush, and happy.The treatment meted to us also makes the French girls and guys stranded outside pass the kind of awe filled stares we throw at people who are allowed to enter exclusive parties normally.

We felt like kings, and we acted like ones that day. For what happened next, you will have to contact me on G-talk probably (too vulgar, even by the standards of this blog, to put it down here). To put it briefly, we were like wolves prowling for sheep. :P