(I think I will regret writing this post later, when my mood becomes better. But I guess that is not going to be the case for a long, long time, and am ready to live in this natural self of mine rather than go and chase imaginary happiness).
I just realised I have been chasing imaginary happiness. I am a really avid thinker, and so I feel happy at the thought of chasing happiness, and become sad when I cant catch it.
Tomorrow is my last IIM interview, that of IIMB, and probably the most important. You might say A and C were the more important ones, but seeing my GPA, coupled with the fact that I have screwed up my C interview, I fancy B more than I otherwise would have. But tonight, I suddenly feel as if I have had a malaria attack. I mean, I have all the symptoms normally associated with one. My head is aching like hell, I feel cold in this hot weather, and my body temperature can burn this entire place down.
And, worst of the lot, I actually like falling sick, just before one of the most important tests of my career. Probably because it will give me a chance to explain as to how did I fail again in clearing the interviews. Not that anyone really cares about me clearing these exams, apart from my parents and my brother, but still people shall always be ready with questions about "how" and "why". And they will be very quick to express anguish over my non-performance, and about how much it has peeved them. While it actually wont affect them in any way, just like their success and failure shall not make any difference to my life. And this holds true for the best of friends I have.
Sad but true, because, contrary to popular perception, I am a very selfish person. I always want things to be done my way, and when things dont work out according to my plan, I become this grumbling person, as you see me now. My friends say they want me to be happy, but again they shall not do anything to make me happy. This is how friends go. You can always expect them to help you when you go upto them, but they shall never help you without you asking for their help.
I also realised today that I cannot ever be happy. I have a habit of ignoring things or relationships that come easily to me, and so I cant appreciate all the good things that I have. I can never appreciate the importance of being a Black Eye, of good friends, or of having such wonderful parents and brother. I am also too egoistic to fight for things that dont come easily to me. Sometimes, however, I do get that urge to fight for something, something I feel shall make me happy, but then I lose. Every single time. I have the irritating habit of crying about what I dont have rather than enjoying what I have. And that is something I just cant change. Also, I think I keep expecting a lot from people, which is again something I cannot change.
I have been lucky to have made some good friends in my lifetime, and being god-gifted with such relatives, but today I wish, I could break the bond with everyone of them. And go into a new world order, where noone would know me, expect anything out of me, and let me live my life the way I want to. Where I could skip tomorrow's interview and not be made to feel guilty about it later. Where I could just speak out my mind about everyone, and tell them how much pain has each of these relationships have given me. I am pretty much sure, I have pained them a lot more, but being the selfish person that I am, I dont care about that.
I just wish I could disappear tonight to some place unknown. And switch off my cell phone and shut off all emails, probably get a plastic surgery and change my name. But I also know I dont have the courage to do it all.
I have just wasted the past two hours of my sleep, trying not to breathe. And I havent succeeded in even that. So instead I started crying, for no reason at all. And along with it, I have been listening to the song "Zindagi Dene Waale Sun" by Talat Mahmood, the entire time. And if you are reading this before 8:00 A.M. (IST) on 22nd March, please call me up on my cell phone and wake me up. Again, I make the same mistake of expecting too much. Do you even care? Or do I even care about you caring?
The best thing about life is that nothing is too important for it. It goes on. This way or that.