Tuesday, March 21, 2006

But Life goes on

(I think I will regret writing this post later, when my mood becomes better. But I guess that is not going to be the case for a long, long time, and am ready to live in this natural self of mine rather than go and chase imaginary happiness).
I just realised I have been chasing imaginary happiness. I am a really avid thinker, and so I feel happy at the thought of chasing happiness, and become sad when I cant catch it.
Tomorrow is my last IIM interview, that of IIMB, and probably the most important. You might say A and C were the more important ones, but seeing my GPA, coupled with the fact that I have screwed up my C interview, I fancy B more than I otherwise would have. But tonight, I suddenly feel as if I have had a malaria attack. I mean, I have all the symptoms normally associated with one. My head is aching like hell, I feel cold in this hot weather, and my body temperature can burn this entire place down.
And, worst of the lot, I actually like falling sick, just before one of the most important tests of my career. Probably because it will give me a chance to explain as to how did I fail again in clearing the interviews. Not that anyone really cares about me clearing these exams, apart from my parents and my brother, but still people shall always be ready with questions about "how" and "why". And they will be very quick to express anguish over my non-performance, and about how much it has peeved them. While it actually wont affect them in any way, just like their success and failure shall not make any difference to my life. And this holds true for the best of friends I have.
Sad but true, because, contrary to popular perception, I am a very selfish person. I always want things to be done my way, and when things dont work out according to my plan, I become this grumbling person, as you see me now. My friends say they want me to be happy, but again they shall not do anything to make me happy. This is how friends go. You can always expect them to help you when you go upto them, but they shall never help you without you asking for their help.
I also realised today that I cannot ever be happy. I have a habit of ignoring things or relationships that come easily to me, and so I cant appreciate all the good things that I have. I can never appreciate the importance of being a Black Eye, of good friends, or of having such wonderful parents and brother. I am also too egoistic to fight for things that dont come easily to me. Sometimes, however, I do get that urge to fight for something, something I feel shall make me happy, but then I lose. Every single time. I have the irritating habit of crying about what I dont have rather than enjoying what I have. And that is something I just cant change. Also, I think I keep expecting a lot from people, which is again something I cannot change.
I have been lucky to have made some good friends in my lifetime, and being god-gifted with such relatives, but today I wish, I could break the bond with everyone of them. And go into a new world order, where noone would know me, expect anything out of me, and let me live my life the way I want to. Where I could skip tomorrow's interview and not be made to feel guilty about it later. Where I could just speak out my mind about everyone, and tell them how much pain has each of these relationships have given me. I am pretty much sure, I have pained them a lot more, but being the selfish person that I am, I dont care about that.
I just wish I could disappear tonight to some place unknown. And switch off my cell phone and shut off all emails, probably get a plastic surgery and change my name. But I also know I dont have the courage to do it all.
I have just wasted the past two hours of my sleep, trying not to breathe. And I havent succeeded in even that. So instead I started crying, for no reason at all. And along with it, I have been listening to the song "Zindagi Dene Waale Sun" by Talat Mahmood, the entire time. And if you are reading this before 8:00 A.M. (IST) on 22nd March, please call me up on my cell phone and wake me up. Again, I make the same mistake of expecting too much. Do you even care? Or do I even care about you caring?
The best thing about life is that nothing is too important for it. It goes on. This way or that.

12 comments:

Amateur Blogger said...

Dude, I'm sure you'll do well. And you're right, your success will not make any difference to my life, but I'll still feel happy about it.

mithrandir said...

Dude dont be so despondant.And how can u say that ur success wont effect anybody??It will bring smile on faces of so many of ur well wishers.It will give them an extra motivation to try a bit harder in recognition of ur efforts.According to Chaos Theory even a butterfly flapping wings has ripples,then this is a big thing man.Who knows tomo u may be in a position to offer me a job!Self belief is one thing you cant afford to lose at this moment.And finally ur losing hope will allow somebody else to fulfill his and make his circle of friends happy for a while.All the best wishes for tomorrow's interview.

Phoenix said...

You need onyl one thing: A deep breath.

Whatever u felt is cyclical. keeps coming back to all of us every few days. I call this the purging process.
Relax.
Two deep breathes, a few hours of sleep, and a certain smile u love is my prescription.

Cheers.....
Smile and the world will smile along.
Cry and it's simply a lonely tearful song.

~Dr. Phoenix

anonymous_gal said...

after reading your blog i realised that it is an alter ego of my feelings. a minor difference though, i was listening to 'tujhse naraaz nahi zindagi' by jagjit singh from masoom movie when i hit the wall.
you must have heard that the failure is not in falling down but in not standing again (ralph waldo emmerson). easier said than done i say. i have never really had it all at any point in my life. i've always been the second best and to make myself understand why, i always told myself that god made be the 'second best' because it wud motivate me to do even better. and the surprising thing is i am an atheist, i guesss i needed some glimmer of hope to keep moving on.
but failing to be the best got to me during placement season when i who knew above avg. info. about finance, equities, debt market was rejected by a company offering finance profile job. the interviewer didn't even try to gauge the candidates' interest in the area. and ppl who were not that interested in that domain with no domain knowledge got job offers. you never really get what you want is true for most of us. i am not an idiot but life keeps whispering that i am. i am a big oprah fan and she always says that there are no coincidences in life, every incident -tragedy included has a deeper meaning behind it. and also, that god talks to you in whispers but when you ignore it the bricks start coming your way untill you hit the brick wall.
anyways this failure did crush my confidence but i think i got over it (erased it from my memory) and i trudged on.
thers one really good wuote 'waqt se pehle aur taqdeer se zyada kisiko kuch nahi milta' might lift up your spirits.

Phoenix said...

How was the interview, Zubin?

@anon
Someday, you'd believe in coincidences too. Trust me, they happen, and it's really nice to be able to beleiev in this!

zubin said...

[Tushar] Why would it make you happy? I am sorry to ask this, but I am doubting everything right now.
[Ankur] Such phases happen a lot to me, but this time I guess its pretty serious. And no, this interview was not such a big deal (as was proved in the end). Thanks for the best wishes, but I hope sincerely that someone more deserving and more wanting gets through.
[Phoenix] Thanks for your perscription, but sometimes doctors diagnose the case wrongly. It didnt help. Maybe because, I couldnt get the third (and possibly the most important) medicine.:)
The GD was the best I have ever participated in, but in the interview they told me "YOu know you dont want to do an MBA, we know you dont want to do an MBA, so whats the point of taking this interview". And I agreed. Well, not exactly this, but it can summarise all that happened in the Interview. Also, I did tell them that Timbuktu was in Mali, and that the origin of the Nile was Lake Victoria. So they got impressed by my GK, but not by anything else. So what do I make out of it? Another failure. And arent coincidences just a making of imagination than anything else. And I also rtealised there are much more important tyhings than an MBA degree.
[Anonymous_gal] I think everyone feels this way onece a while, thats why I rate Everybody Hurts by REM as one of my favourite songs. And my spirits are not really down, its just that I am finding out that the real world is a lot more difficult territory to walk on than I ever though it to be. I just hope I have hit the brick wall, and am at the bottom of a brick pile. I cant go any deeper.

anonymous_gal said...

[zubin]i really like your blogs and read them regularly since most seem hopeless and desperate and sad and cynical and sarcastic. that is what i feel most of the time as most of the time i live in the real world. and real world is not a difficult territory for everyone some have it all and for some survival itself is a victory (true for most middle class families i think). anyways, i wish you all the success although you really don't care what i wish for :).

[Phoenix]i have never believed in coincidences or luck. the only thing i believe in is merit and maybe that is why i have such a hard time when i am confronted with failure. i think believing in coincidences or luck is escapist. speaking for myself i might attribute my success to coincidence or luck but never my failure. maybe that is the wrong to wrap my head round it?

zubin said...

[Anonymous_gal] My posts have been depicting my mood, and while they used to be "hopeless and desperate and sad and cynical and sarcastic" like you say, lately they have also been full of happiness, and love, apart from the last post, which was brought out from a variety of factors, which still exist. I dont know what you have to say about these newer posts.

anonymous_gal said...

[zubin]i have nothing to say bout those posts except being truthful to your feelings/emotions is the best gift u cud give urself. it purges ones soul is what i have heard.
u don't think its wierd me commenting on ur blog out of the blue? i think i'll stop now :)

zubin said...

[Anonymous_gal] I dont think its weird about you commenting on my blog. And I wanted to ask you, did a financial job matter that much to you? And did you finally get one. And have you started working as well. And how are you finding the "real world?"

anonymous_gal said...

[zubin] I did not end up with a financial job but I believe it did matter to me (I think). I will be working in the IT(Info. Technology)area. I haven't started working yet,I will be completing my degree in April, 2006 and starting work in august, 2006.
You have ben working, how did you find life after IITD?

zubin said...

[anonymous_gal] HAve you seen RDB? Remember DJ saying "College ke is side aap life ko nachaate ho, aur us side woh aapko nachaati hai." It couldnt be any truer. And while after college has been struggle, it has also been a great learning experience. At the end, I will say, everything has its own charm. And dont worry, you will soon get a finance job.