Sunday, December 10, 2006

Another day lost

Another day lost. My hallucinations are back. I cant remember how yesterday went by. I remember Friday evening, one of the few non-alcoholic Friday evenings here, and bang! The next thing I remember is Sunday morning 6 a.m. Where was I in between? I have absolutely no clue. I remember eating a lot of tablets( for kicks, because I couldnt find any whisky, and damn:it has become expensive) and then a huge blank.
What happened that whole day for me will be confined to history books. I have lost quite a few days this way, around five or six, just blanked out from memory. I dont know why this happens, but probably I sleep like Kumbhkaran, and even though I am awake for two three hours, I dont remember anything of those. Pretty scary, huh!!
On other fronts, exams start tomorrow. Have pretty much become immune to them now, and they pass off just like they did in IIT, with minimum effect. The effect they leave behind, the CGPA is another matter altogether. I know it matters a lot, but like another things which matter, I have finally stopped caring.
Had my birthday this past week. Got a splendid gift from friends here, my first Ganja joint. It was quite chill and good. Really liked it. Had it the next day as well. Didnt get very high though, which was disappointing.
Life has become pretty meaningless again, and I have made a deal this time around: I wont make such a big deal about living it. I am OK. I am doing good. And I will be fine for the world outside. Because now I have stopped caring. For you and for me.
On the inside though, I know something is just not right.


Anonymous said...

let me know when/if u want to talk

am hands-off this time around, I promise.

Kannan said...

Belated Happy B'day Zubin...
Unfortunately I don't have Ganja to offer. What about a full bottle of "Royal Salute" Blue Label?
I am coming to India soon and can bring it for you.

I think the basic problem with you is that you always fail to recognise the fact that the power of choice is with you. Unlike the animal kingdom who responds only to their instinct, man possesses the capacity to think through his options and make a reasonable decision. (This is not to say that he always does that -- far from it. But he can).

I have noticed that you get so caught up in old behavior patterns and instinctive reactions, that you fail to consider that you REALLY DON'T HAVE TO DO IT THAT WAY. I am telling you that the recognition of that reality can be liberating, exhilarating, and incredibly powerful. And the accompanying potential for genuine and lasting change is limitless.

All of us has got negative behaviour patterns of some size, shape and or personality. For some like you it is drugs, for others like me it is gossip!! It could be food, the internet, sarcasm, or just wasting time.

The best solution to your situation is to open your eyes and look in the mirror. Then say to yourself:

PS1: I know you don't like advices. But I really enjoy advising only those who don't like it!!. I am not a fool to advise people who really need it!!

PS2:I do not regret my comment on your last post. Still I have the same opinion about yourself!!

zubin said...

[Anonymous] Who is this? And na, I dont wanna talk. There is nothing to talk about.
[Kannan] Thanks for writing all this. Somehow it is difficult to take in all this good advice you take. I know it doesnt have to be that way, but probably I want it to be that way. This is the only way I have lived. :}. And please temme who are you too...plzz...And thanks for the Blue Label offer, could certainly do with it.

Anonymous said...

dude...belated happy bday!!
You must have known that I feel the same as you do about life. Like you, I have been using means to get high and forget about everything around. And again, like you, I know something is not right. But then, unlike you, I do things in limit. Maybe I'm afraid of something, which you are not. Dear, I dont have the answers for you, but a request that you do things in limit. Try forgetting about the pain, and if you need, talk to people who can listen. Drugs help forgetting things, I know, but thats not the only solution. Look for other means dude, atleast try.

Phoenix said...

I'd just say one thing. Try. Maybe it works for you. For me it doesn't but I still try. Someday life would bow down to obstinacy.

Aaarrgghhh..that's hope again!

O said...

Zubin, keep writing is what I wud say..

Am I doing this only to be part of your blog through the comments section? Donno..


Ankur Shanker said...

Hey dude! Belated Happy Birthday! and yeah I am somewhat satisfied with the attitude that you have taken while writing this post! You are improving man!!

kannan said...

The struggle to do good stems from two opposing inclinations of human mind; and the downward slope is slick and swift. Very easy to go a bit careful!!

It is difficult to tell something about me (still on search yar!!). And that difficulty is not because of any complexity, but I am afraid to say that I am a.........!!??and anyway it has nothig to do with you. The minimum information given below is sufficient I hope.

Name: Kannan
Sex: Male
Age: 33
Location: Kerala, God's own country!!


PS: Keep writing good articles. I am big fan of your writings.

amol said...

bahut dino baad aaya hu blog pe..kaha ho, kaise ho kuch khabar hi nahi..bhool gaye kya janaab?