"The zubin i knew in my college days is no longer around....." was a comment posted on the previous post by a friend. And you know, why I wrote the last post. It was to answer your question on the yahoo group. The Bloomberg Internship didnt change anything. Because the real problem is somewhere else.
And its probably the time I answer back, and as I hate talking about these things personally, I will answer it here too, instead. And if you like me, you probably wont after reading this. But this is the truest one can ever be in a post.
In IITD, I think I had this image of being this happy-go-lucky person who indulged himself in everything from hostel dramatics (on the background) to long nightouts in Nescafe. Like a friend wrote in a testimonial about me on Orkut,("he couldn't care less about passing any course",) studies, or infact anything else of personal worth, were my last priority, much to the chagrin of my parents. I supposedly kept myself busy, by indulging in hostel activities, followed by nightly trips to Nescafe. I justified my not studying, or my not doing anything of personal value-addition by thinking I was building an all-round personality; and that I was making some good friendships. There was a strong part in me that wanted to achieve material recognition for all my efforts, but it was downed by the strong feeling of super-ego, which told me to take into account the team before the individual. And so all along, you never knew the real me in college, which I am certain you would have hated. And so whenever this part of me surfaced up I shut myself from the world, instead of talking about my desires with people.
So all this while I didnt concentrate on what I wanted, and was supposedly happy doing what was best for the group. Except that I wasnt happy. I hated doing all this, but I thought that people would like you if you were "good" and somehow, I wanted all my acquaintences to like me. There were times even in the past, if you remember, friend, when I would just like to shut myself away from the world; roam alone on the roads, listen to Everybody Hurts at loud voluems, trying to find something gratifying. It was when the real me started mocking me for putting a false mask. I couldnt talk about it to my friends, because they had known to like me, and I couldnt make them hate me by telling them all that I thought inside. I knew I was lying when I said," I do it because I enjoy doing it." I was doing what I did during the hostel days to seek respect and admiration of people. I thought all along, that was what mattered in life, and not a material recognition of my efforts.
But this view was shattered coming into the final year of college. And you, friend, were among the first people to make me realise that. I was never as close to you as much as I wanted to, and the actions you took sometimes made me realise I had made a fool of myself. People around me, lived for themselves, or their passion. I, on the other hand, lived for other people, creating a world-pleasing alter ego acting differently from what the real me would have acted. And it pained when I came to know that I, even in my good alter ego form, didnt really matter much to them. And everyone else just carried on with his life. I, on the other hand, had nothing to turn to. Because my alter ego had always desired that my friends get the best, not caring much about myself. And now it had nowhere to go.
But there was another thing as well. The real me doesnt like to see anyone else other than me successful. There is always a part of me that pains when I hear of a friend succeeding, and a part of me that becomes happy when he goes into trouble. I am probably even jealous of my parents'and my brother's success. I guess the real me is just sick. And this makes me feel guilty. And because I recently realised that because of this, the real me couldnt love anything but myself. I want everyone else to be suffering.
And now I am caught in a conflict with the alter-ego and the real me. This conflict is killing me. Slowly but surely, and there is nothing you can do about it.
You are happy because you live your life for yourself. I have never lived my life for myself, and the more I think about it, I hate myself. I feel guilty for having such negative feelings in my mind about people. I can live for other people (in my alter ego form), but now I realise that all relationships stink. Not an option.
Right now, I am OK. Please no more advices on how to be happy. I hate those the most.