Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Answers

"The zubin i knew in my college days is no longer around....." was a comment posted on the previous post by a friend. And you know, why I wrote the last post. It was to answer your question on the yahoo group. The Bloomberg Internship didnt change anything. Because the real problem is somewhere else.
And its probably the time I answer back, and as I hate talking about these things personally, I will answer it here too, instead. And if you like me, you probably wont after reading this. But this is the truest one can ever be in a post.
In IITD, I think I had this image of being this happy-go-lucky person who indulged himself in everything from hostel dramatics (on the background) to long nightouts in Nescafe. Like a friend wrote in a testimonial about me on Orkut,("he couldn't care less about passing any course",) studies, or infact anything else of personal worth, were my last priority, much to the chagrin of my parents. I supposedly kept myself busy, by indulging in hostel activities, followed by nightly trips to Nescafe. I justified my not studying, or my not doing anything of personal value-addition by thinking I was building an all-round personality; and that I was making some good friendships. There was a strong part in me that wanted to achieve material recognition for all my efforts, but it was downed by the strong feeling of super-ego, which told me to take into account the team before the individual. And so all along, you never knew the real me in college, which I am certain you would have hated. And so whenever this part of me surfaced up I shut myself from the world, instead of talking about my desires with people.
So all this while I didnt concentrate on what I wanted, and was supposedly happy doing what was best for the group. Except that I wasnt happy. I hated doing all this, but I thought that people would like you if you were "good" and somehow, I wanted all my acquaintences to like me. There were times even in the past, if you remember, friend, when I would just like to shut myself away from the world; roam alone on the roads, listen to Everybody Hurts at loud voluems, trying to find something gratifying. It was when the real me started mocking me for putting a false mask. I couldnt talk about it to my friends, because they had known to like me, and I couldnt make them hate me by telling them all that I thought inside. I knew I was lying when I said," I do it because I enjoy doing it." I was doing what I did during the hostel days to seek respect and admiration of people. I thought all along, that was what mattered in life, and not a material recognition of my efforts.
But this view was shattered coming into the final year of college. And you, friend, were among the first people to make me realise that. I was never as close to you as much as I wanted to, and the actions you took sometimes made me realise I had made a fool of myself. People around me, lived for themselves, or their passion. I, on the other hand, lived for other people, creating a world-pleasing alter ego acting differently from what the real me would have acted. And it pained when I came to know that I, even in my good alter ego form, didnt really matter much to them. And everyone else just carried on with his life. I, on the other hand, had nothing to turn to. Because my alter ego had always desired that my friends get the best, not caring much about myself. And now it had nowhere to go.
But there was another thing as well. The real me doesnt like to see anyone else other than me successful. There is always a part of me that pains when I hear of a friend succeeding, and a part of me that becomes happy when he goes into trouble. I am probably even jealous of my parents'and my brother's success. I guess the real me is just sick. And this makes me feel guilty. And because I recently realised that because of this, the real me couldnt love anything but myself. I want everyone else to be suffering.
And now I am caught in a conflict with the alter-ego and the real me. This conflict is killing me. Slowly but surely, and there is nothing you can do about it.
You are happy because you live your life for yourself. I have never lived my life for myself, and the more I think about it, I hate myself. I feel guilty for having such negative feelings in my mind about people. I can live for other people (in my alter ego form), but now I realise that all relationships stink. Not an option.
Right now, I am OK. Please no more advices on how to be happy. I hate those the most.

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hi Zubin,

have been reading your blogs for a while now, and i must say i enjoy reading them not bcos they r real good reads but for the fact that at times i feel its just my thougths penned down :)
i relate to most of the stuff... wish i cd write as well as u do,but i did manage to write somthng after a lot of introspection,try reading it if u have some time...

and no , i guess no one has the right to give advices unless asked for,so chill and stay good

Am i Flawed ????
just because i think...i know i think way too much
but does that mean there's a problem with me
A problem because i dont usually act selfish
problem bcos i put others interest before mine
problem bcos i go out of my way to help other
problem because i'm never rude to anyone,
problem bcos i dont snap at people,
problem because i'm generous with my compliments,
problem because i'm honest,
problem because i care,
problem bcos i have a heart,
problem because i'm concerned, concerned abt others,concerned abt all,
problem because i feel sad everytime i see ppl fighting,

Problem because i wanna stay HUMAN

and Flawed because i expect humanity from humans, it pains me when people are arrogant,impolite or rude but it kills me when my friends are like that...everyone has their share of problems ,but that doesnt give anyone any right to snap at friends or be rude
i have the so called friends who mean the world to me but to whom i'm probably nothing,
i've faced it recently when i was shown the mirror,when i had to face the bitter truth ...i dread the day when my other frnds would say the same, i know that day is coming soon cos i know its not their PROBLEM

it's my problem...i expect, and that's where i'm FLAWED...

Ankur Shanker said...

It's high time and probably the best time ever that you should read 'Zorba The Greek' by Nikos Kazantzakis.. And I am telling you that it will change the way you think about life.. atleast it will give you a new perspective to think about! and i sincerely hope that it succeeds in taking you away from your gloomy and cadaverous thoughts!

O said...

Zubin, Keep writing..

~Ro

atish said...

Wow...never thot i would get so much coverage in any blog...
shocking revealations to say the least...though i cudnt get/recollect the "you were amongst the first to make me realise......" part, i got the gist of it ...and yeah.. i guess for most parts i do live for myself....
neways.. keep writing and though it pains me to read your blogs these days ..and perpetually raises one question in me , that being WHY?? yet i assure you i wont ever give you any advice. on life and happiness. or at least try not to. just hope that you find whatever you are seeking in life...
One thing though, shaking off the image of the chubby, rosy cheeked friend who awaited our arrival in front of his home would be hard, very hard...

Kannan said...

Your "Answers" reminds me of a conversation I had with one of my israeli friends, around three years back. While we were discussing about the ego driven reactions of us, he told me about one of their spiritual leader, who lived his life according to two distinct philosophies. He used to keep two separate notes in two of his pockets, one reading " For I'm just dust and ashes" and the other reading "The entire universe is created just for me!!"

The complexities of living require implementation of both schools of thought, he teaches. Some time we feel so low and some other times we realize that the entire universe is revolving around each of us. The secret of life is to know when to reach into which pocket!!

So, as you move from one end of the emotional spectrum to the other, you tell your ego that "Im just dust and ashes" if you are on higher side, or tell that "the entire universe is created just for me" if you are on the lower side. That may give some relief.

Anyway, keep writing.
I really wish if I had the guts to write facts like you do!!

Musafir... said...

Times Change...and many other things, and people, change alongwith...

Jigs said...

awesome post dude...though reading at a later time according to calendar, i think am reading at a proper time in my life..

Just wish I could articulate my views as well..