I remember this anectode from the days I had just passed class 12th. I had decided to drop an year and prepare for JEE, rather than going to do Mining Engineering from BHU. I planned to enrol at FIITJEE, and as a part of the drive, was looking for an hostel to stay in.
It was an August evening. I was with my dad, my (cousin) sister, brother-in-law, my second cousin, and my niece and nephew, and we had just got entangled in a Traffic Jam in some crowded Malviya Nagar market, where we had come looking for a hostel. The traffic was finally beginning to move when in the lane opposite to us, we noticed this ugly looking female driving with a female friend sitting alongside. And she was hideously ugly, I mean I am not the kind of person to make impressions about people based on first sights, but she was someone you had just want to run away from. I remember to have said something to the effect of "I pity her husband".
And then she, pretty inexplicibly, did something even worse (that is, if you are considering just showing her face to us was not worse, because it could have ruined the entire day): she parked her car on the road, and walked out. No concern for the cars who had just started moving behind her, and who were driving me crazy by their honking (remember, I despite being in Chandigarh for the past two years, was still pretty much a small village boy). The traffic came to a grinding halt again. Both ways.
We decided to get some space on the side of the road, and packed our car, and got out. Luckily our destination was not too far away. But then the next thing I noticed was the woman shouting at my cousin sister, across the road, with people watching. Apparently my cousin sister had gone to tell the 'chick' to remove her car, and let other people pass through. This apparently provoked the ugly, hideous female to get angry at my sister. There was a crowd gathering there, everyone urging the female to remove the car, when suddenly my incensed brother-in-law shouted across the road, "you should not have done this!"
She : "I dont care what you think. Dont give me a piece of your mind", and she started to move towards her destination, the vegetable rehri, which had apparently been the cause for her sudden stoppage.
B-i-L (retorting, and shouting so that anywhere within a radius of fifty metres could hear, which meant effectively 20-25 people) : "You dont want a piece of my mind. I will give you a piece of my mind. I will tell you what I think. I think you are ugly. You are positively ugly, and you should be ashamed about it. You see this ditch out here with all the dirty water. Please wash your face in this pit. It might make you less ugly."
And he walked away, and we all followed, as did pin drop silence. But the look on her face, made me overcome the initial disappointment of seeing her. It was awesome!
good night, people, and good luck! Have fun and play safe!
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
Thursday, March 01, 2007
Self Obsessed Bastard
Genius, like hard work, is overated.
And luck is stangely underrated.
I am immodest. A self obsessed bastard. If u dont like this fact about me, dont read any further.
Fuck you. You still wanted to read further.
Well you will have to wait. For what I am about to reveal.
It is not much, if you ask me, but it might contain all that you ever wanted to know about life.
Or maybe not, but who is to decide?
The truth is this.
I didnt make it to RIMC in the first attempt. I didnt make it to IIT Delhi in my first attempt. I didnt make it to IIMC in my first attempt.
I did make it to RIMC in my second attempt. I did make it to IIT Delhi in my second attempt. I did make it to IIMC in my second attempt.
Sorry folks, but thats all I had to say. Maybe that was all you wanted to know about life in the first place. Or in the second place, hehehehe.
Am boring you, am I? Here is more truth underneath this line.
Luck is the ultimate thing. About almost as lethal as a sum of hard work and talent(or genius).
You dont believe me, I know. But here, in this blogsite, all that matters is what I believe. You might post a comment to counter what I believe, but, believe me, they dont matter.
I think you know why. The answer is simple.
Its because I can talk to snakes. I can speak Parselmouth.
Only joking. Its because I can remove your comments anytime I like, and that is a big power.
Good night, I think I am high.
And luck is stangely underrated.
I am immodest. A self obsessed bastard. If u dont like this fact about me, dont read any further.
Fuck you. You still wanted to read further.
Well you will have to wait. For what I am about to reveal.
It is not much, if you ask me, but it might contain all that you ever wanted to know about life.
Or maybe not, but who is to decide?
The truth is this.
I didnt make it to RIMC in the first attempt. I didnt make it to IIT Delhi in my first attempt. I didnt make it to IIMC in my first attempt.
I did make it to RIMC in my second attempt. I did make it to IIT Delhi in my second attempt. I did make it to IIMC in my second attempt.
Sorry folks, but thats all I had to say. Maybe that was all you wanted to know about life in the first place. Or in the second place, hehehehe.
Am boring you, am I? Here is more truth underneath this line.
Luck is the ultimate thing. About almost as lethal as a sum of hard work and talent(or genius).
You dont believe me, I know. But here, in this blogsite, all that matters is what I believe. You might post a comment to counter what I believe, but, believe me, they dont matter.
I think you know why. The answer is simple.
Its because I can talk to snakes. I can speak Parselmouth.
Only joking. Its because I can remove your comments anytime I like, and that is a big power.
Good night, I think I am high.
Monday, February 19, 2007
Dialogues - 1`
"Why do we live?", she asked suddenly, "When life is so full of pain?
Why put in any effort, when we have nothing to gain?"
"Hope, my friend", he assured her, "is on what we live on
Hope of life getting better, and all our worries being gone."
"You know I have been wondering, about the purpose of life,
and finding none, have many a time stabbed my arm with a knife."
"Why, for God's sake, would you do this to yourself, and it amazes me,
why cant you see the gifts of life, and how beautiful it can be."
"Can you explain then, as to why do we live a purposeless existence,
All this talk is fine, but to me now, your words make no sense."
"Think of the people in your life, and those who love you,
and if you leave them and die, what all will they go through."
"But I just dont feel things any more" she replied, "I seem to have lost a part of my mind
What are emotions like love and happiness, I just cant seem to find"
"You know, three weeks before, life seemed worth ending as nothing was going right
I felt like you do, but then I started reading, and writing, and it seems foolish in hindsight."
"I think I am better now. Thank you for talking to me today, and making me see some light,
and I wish you all the luck, wherever you may go, may your days always be bright."
"Just remember, there was a time when I was screwed up as you are,
and if you want someone to talk to, I will always be there."
(To be continued)...
Why put in any effort, when we have nothing to gain?"
"Hope, my friend", he assured her, "is on what we live on
Hope of life getting better, and all our worries being gone."
"You know I have been wondering, about the purpose of life,
and finding none, have many a time stabbed my arm with a knife."
"Why, for God's sake, would you do this to yourself, and it amazes me,
why cant you see the gifts of life, and how beautiful it can be."
"Can you explain then, as to why do we live a purposeless existence,
All this talk is fine, but to me now, your words make no sense."
"Think of the people in your life, and those who love you,
and if you leave them and die, what all will they go through."
"But I just dont feel things any more" she replied, "I seem to have lost a part of my mind
What are emotions like love and happiness, I just cant seem to find"
"You know, three weeks before, life seemed worth ending as nothing was going right
I felt like you do, but then I started reading, and writing, and it seems foolish in hindsight."
"I think I am better now. Thank you for talking to me today, and making me see some light,
and I wish you all the luck, wherever you may go, may your days always be bright."
"Just remember, there was a time when I was screwed up as you are,
and if you want someone to talk to, I will always be there."
(To be continued)...
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
Management
Management, like most other things in life, is a sham. Atleast for me. As I was telling a friend on chat today, a PGDM for me constitutes nothing more than drinking, doping, playing computer games, playing cricket and tennis, watching movies and serials, and last night studying (sometimes I skip even this). I dont give too much damn about my CGPA and all, but even then I am not doing too bad. I mean I am not doing good, but in some other place, this lifestyle could have landed me at the bottom of the list. Not here though. And while I am happy about that fact (Regular readers might say, you are finally happy!, but actually not: I am using happy for want of a better word) but there is also the lingering frustration about not doing what I am supposed to do.
I hate authority, unless its my authority (thats pretty cute). Just read Another Roadside Attraction. It talks all about the same things: authority and its misuse. I have a feeling that noone really likes authority. It is based on the perception that human race is, at its root, evil. I believe (or, maybe, I like to believe) this realm in by and large false. People are basically good, it is just the situation that make them bad. When we step into this world, we are inherently good, and mean no evil.
If you are thinking, why this sudden change of topic, the point I am driving at is this: people are trying to kill IIMC culture by bringing in authority to this place. In the past, IIMC had prided itself in its "no attendance" and the fact that people here did not get into the rat race, unlike many other premium institutes of the country. Then some wise crack magazine decided to make a fast buck by including a concept of B-school rankings. And IIMC slipped from 1 to 2 to 3 in these, because here, the focus was not being on the top, but being good.
And then they got worried. People, who thought that IIMC was not doing justice to what it could be, decided to implement changes. Attendance rule was imposed, so that people who came back to the campus for their PPT's could no longer boast about how they used to skip classes and still managed to pass out with good GPA's. No, now you cant pass without the requisite attendance, but how is sleeping in the class, or reading novels there, going to help the institute rankings, I have no idea.
Why exactly I want to ask, do we need to improve our rankings? Why does it matter to us, what rank is us, as long as we know that we are good. Why does everyone want to be a winner at the end of the day? Let A and B lead us, why do we care? How good it would be if we could just get out of this rat race for the moment, reflect on who (and not what) we are, and just relax. Why do I have to wonder about the other guy cheating in the exam and getting more marks than I do. If I am smart enough, I should cheat the system too. Why should I get angry if the other guy gets a slot 0 shortlist and I dont. Stop being so competitive. Relax. Take deep breaths. Life is much larger than this, I hope. Enjoy. Que Sera Sera.
I hate authority, unless its my authority (thats pretty cute). Just read Another Roadside Attraction. It talks all about the same things: authority and its misuse. I have a feeling that noone really likes authority. It is based on the perception that human race is, at its root, evil. I believe (or, maybe, I like to believe) this realm in by and large false. People are basically good, it is just the situation that make them bad. When we step into this world, we are inherently good, and mean no evil.
If you are thinking, why this sudden change of topic, the point I am driving at is this: people are trying to kill IIMC culture by bringing in authority to this place. In the past, IIMC had prided itself in its "no attendance" and the fact that people here did not get into the rat race, unlike many other premium institutes of the country. Then some wise crack magazine decided to make a fast buck by including a concept of B-school rankings. And IIMC slipped from 1 to 2 to 3 in these, because here, the focus was not being on the top, but being good.
And then they got worried. People, who thought that IIMC was not doing justice to what it could be, decided to implement changes. Attendance rule was imposed, so that people who came back to the campus for their PPT's could no longer boast about how they used to skip classes and still managed to pass out with good GPA's. No, now you cant pass without the requisite attendance, but how is sleeping in the class, or reading novels there, going to help the institute rankings, I have no idea.
Why exactly I want to ask, do we need to improve our rankings? Why does it matter to us, what rank is us, as long as we know that we are good. Why does everyone want to be a winner at the end of the day? Let A and B lead us, why do we care? How good it would be if we could just get out of this rat race for the moment, reflect on who (and not what) we are, and just relax. Why do I have to wonder about the other guy cheating in the exam and getting more marks than I do. If I am smart enough, I should cheat the system too. Why should I get angry if the other guy gets a slot 0 shortlist and I dont. Stop being so competitive. Relax. Take deep breaths. Life is much larger than this, I hope. Enjoy. Que Sera Sera.
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
A Suitable Boy
"Why do we live?" And I, back in those days when I felt good, "Because of hope. It is the hope that one day things will improve, get better." And then I blurted out the story of Love in the Times of Cholera, and about how much hope it had filled me with. And then I also said these lines someone else had told me "It is never the end, unless you decide its the end." It is always the same: Goran Ivanisevic, Lance Armstrong and more. I had continued,"You live for people around you, people who love you, like you, and want you to do well in life. You might not see it, but they care about you. Everything you do which is bad for yourself hurts them. And you live to see them happy, because if you die it will make you sad."
I have to keep reminding myself this. I am here because I have a purpose. I might not be anybody, but even then I'll be. I am what I am. I know people like me, and love me for what I am, and I am not going to lose any more friends. I am going to be good. I am going to live, not because I hope one day things will get better, but because I've realised this is what life actually is. If everything was good, life wouldnot be worth it.
I am going to be a good son, brother and friend. Sorry for everything. I am going to be a good person. I am going to be a suitable boy :P.
My only regret, if any, at this moment is: I cant study. And my GPA is not going up, and I know its not going to go up.
Life is hard. I am taking it easy. As the Americans say, "When the rape is inivetible, lie down and enjoy it." Nice thought for the day.
I have to keep reminding myself this. I am here because I have a purpose. I might not be anybody, but even then I'll be. I am what I am. I know people like me, and love me for what I am, and I am not going to lose any more friends. I am going to be good. I am going to live, not because I hope one day things will get better, but because I've realised this is what life actually is. If everything was good, life wouldnot be worth it.
I am going to be a good son, brother and friend. Sorry for everything. I am going to be a good person. I am going to be a suitable boy :P.
My only regret, if any, at this moment is: I cant study. And my GPA is not going up, and I know its not going to go up.
Life is hard. I am taking it easy. As the Americans say, "When the rape is inivetible, lie down and enjoy it." Nice thought for the day.
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
Life is wasted
A whole lifetime wasted.
There was no tomorrow.
I didnt have the courage.
I am sorry.
Do I really give a damn about how you feel about me?
I dont.
I do.
The voices again.
Alcohol is the perfect answer.
I am spoilt. I am not going to get better. I dont want to get better. Self realisation is the best realisation.
Maybe, I am just giving in to the dark side.
Maybe, that is what I always want to be,
Hoping I get a PPO from Bloomberg, otherwise I dont know what life has in store.
There was no tomorrow.
I didnt have the courage.
I am sorry.
Do I really give a damn about how you feel about me?
I dont.
I do.
The voices again.
Alcohol is the perfect answer.
I am spoilt. I am not going to get better. I dont want to get better. Self realisation is the best realisation.
Maybe, I am just giving in to the dark side.
Maybe, that is what I always want to be,
Hoping I get a PPO from Bloomberg, otherwise I dont know what life has in store.
Friday, January 19, 2007
A lot like love, A million little pieces and Apocalypse Now
Pretty much sums up all I have done since coming back to IIMC. Add in a bit of Friends, Seinfeld, Southpark, FIFA, AOE and EA Cricket too, and in comes the feeling of guilt thats been eating me. Forever. My entire life. I am fighting it. Right now I am winning, but for how long, I wonder.
Exams start in two days. Study.
Fuck exams, enjoy life. Dont study. You will pass anyways, and the exams this time are quant based, you will do great. Why study?
You will always remain a five pointer if you dont study.
As if you give a damn what pointer you are.
You know you do.
You know you dont.
You do.
You dont.
do.
dont.
do.
dont.
Yes.
No.
Fuck. Someone stop these voices.
She.
Just tell everything tomorrow. You will be good and happy, believe me. Dont think what the world says, just concentrate on yourself being happy. Dont care about the studies. It shall all be fine.
I am ready to believe you.
Tomorrow my life can change for the better. Or else, if it doesnt work out, I am going to remain the same way forever. I want to be good, one last time. Keeping my fingers crossed.
Exams start in two days. Study.
Fuck exams, enjoy life. Dont study. You will pass anyways, and the exams this time are quant based, you will do great. Why study?
You will always remain a five pointer if you dont study.
As if you give a damn what pointer you are.
You know you do.
You know you dont.
You do.
You dont.
do.
dont.
do.
dont.
Yes.
No.
Fuck. Someone stop these voices.
She.
Just tell everything tomorrow. You will be good and happy, believe me. Dont think what the world says, just concentrate on yourself being happy. Dont care about the studies. It shall all be fine.
I am ready to believe you.
Tomorrow my life can change for the better. Or else, if it doesnt work out, I am going to remain the same way forever. I want to be good, one last time. Keeping my fingers crossed.
Sunday, January 14, 2007
Happy.....
Today is my last night in Delhi for the next two months atleast. And I am not drunk. Neither doped. But I am happy. Inside out. After a long long time.
I have fallen in love again, I think, with life, and with certain people. And I want to enjoy this feeling forever. I want to give myself a chance to be happy. All the evil thoughts for now have been pushed to the corner. Thanks to everyone, and especially to the one person to whom I owe this more than anyone else.
The Delhi/Dharamsala trip wasnt fun always, but at the end of it all, am feeling better I guess. Much better than when I came in. Am finally seeing some hope. About life, the universe and everything.
Here is looking forward to a good, happy living.
Take care people, and have fun.
From now on, if I write, I hope it shall be about the good things in life.
I have fallen in love again, I think, with life, and with certain people. And I want to enjoy this feeling forever. I want to give myself a chance to be happy. All the evil thoughts for now have been pushed to the corner. Thanks to everyone, and especially to the one person to whom I owe this more than anyone else.
The Delhi/Dharamsala trip wasnt fun always, but at the end of it all, am feeling better I guess. Much better than when I came in. Am finally seeing some hope. About life, the universe and everything.
Here is looking forward to a good, happy living.
Take care people, and have fun.
From now on, if I write, I hope it shall be about the good things in life.
Sunday, January 07, 2007
Excerpts from A Million Little Pieces: My thoughts
"I hang up the phone and I stare at the floor and I think about my Mother and my Father in a Hotel Room in Chicago and I wonder why they still love me and why I can't love them back and how two normal stable people could have created something like me, lived with something like me and tolerated something like me. I stare at the floor and I wonder. How did they tolerate me."
"Near the end, there is a section of testimonials. There is one by a dentist, one by a European drinker, one by a salesman, one by an educated Agnostic. They were all Alcoholic disasters, they all found God, they all started dancing the Twelve Steps, they all got better. As with all testimonials like this that I've heard or read or been forced to endure, something about them strikes me as weak, hollow and empty. Though the people in them are no longer drinking and doing drugs, they're still living with the obsession. Though they have achieved sobriety, their lives are based on avoidance, discussion and vilification of the chemicals they once needed and loved. Though they function as human beings, they function because of their meetings and their Dogma and their God. Take away their Meetings and their Dogma and they have nothing, Take them away and they are back where they started. They have an addiction.
Addictions need fuel. I am not convinced Meetings and a Dogma and a God can fuel mine. If what the doctor says at the beginning is true, and joining AA is the only way to cure me, then I'm completely fucked. Fucked Fucked Fucked."
"We're here to help you James. We're here to help you get better and to help you learn how to stop killing yourself. If you do what we tell you to do and you follow the Program we prescribe, you will live a long and happy life.
I have recieved my sentence.
It doesnt have to be carried out. Just trust us.
Have you got anything else to say to me?
I hope you'll trust us, I hope you'll give us a chance to help you, and I hope to God you're here tomorrow.
I stare at him. His eyes are thick and wet and breaking. He is obviously sad and obviously disappointed. I'm tired of making people sad and I'm tired of disappointing them and I'm tired of seeing them break. I have seen this too many times. He will be the last.
I am singularly the most self-destructive individual I have ever known, and this fact makes me hate, and destroy myself, even more. Paradoxical?
I have found a motivation to live. I want to do something really famous by the age of 27, and then join Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison and Kurt Cobain. Pretty?
"Near the end, there is a section of testimonials. There is one by a dentist, one by a European drinker, one by a salesman, one by an educated Agnostic. They were all Alcoholic disasters, they all found God, they all started dancing the Twelve Steps, they all got better. As with all testimonials like this that I've heard or read or been forced to endure, something about them strikes me as weak, hollow and empty. Though the people in them are no longer drinking and doing drugs, they're still living with the obsession. Though they have achieved sobriety, their lives are based on avoidance, discussion and vilification of the chemicals they once needed and loved. Though they function as human beings, they function because of their meetings and their Dogma and their God. Take away their Meetings and their Dogma and they have nothing, Take them away and they are back where they started. They have an addiction.
Addictions need fuel. I am not convinced Meetings and a Dogma and a God can fuel mine. If what the doctor says at the beginning is true, and joining AA is the only way to cure me, then I'm completely fucked. Fucked Fucked Fucked."
"We're here to help you James. We're here to help you get better and to help you learn how to stop killing yourself. If you do what we tell you to do and you follow the Program we prescribe, you will live a long and happy life.
I have recieved my sentence.
It doesnt have to be carried out. Just trust us.
Have you got anything else to say to me?
I hope you'll trust us, I hope you'll give us a chance to help you, and I hope to God you're here tomorrow.
I stare at him. His eyes are thick and wet and breaking. He is obviously sad and obviously disappointed. I'm tired of making people sad and I'm tired of disappointing them and I'm tired of seeing them break. I have seen this too many times. He will be the last.
I am singularly the most self-destructive individual I have ever known, and this fact makes me hate, and destroy myself, even more. Paradoxical?
I have found a motivation to live. I want to do something really famous by the age of 27, and then join Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison and Kurt Cobain. Pretty?
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
A Million Little Pieces...
I am no James Frey. I am not even an addict. I hope, I never become him.
This book is screwing my mind, and I am screwing my body. Have just finished the first part of the book, and reading about James' totally screwed up mind, am just thinking about how similiar I think. About everything around.
About parents, elder brother, treatment for alcohol abuse, seeing psychologists, life, death, friends, her.
Will I end up like him?
Have been drinking a lot lately, and even though everyone here says I should stop, and everyone there says I should stop, I wont. Not that I cant, (I have done it before), but because I dont want to.
I am turning into a James Frey, I think.
This book is screwing my mind, and I am screwing my body. Have just finished the first part of the book, and reading about James' totally screwed up mind, am just thinking about how similiar I think. About everything around.
About parents, elder brother, treatment for alcohol abuse, seeing psychologists, life, death, friends, her.
Will I end up like him?
Have been drinking a lot lately, and even though everyone here says I should stop, and everyone there says I should stop, I wont. Not that I cant, (I have done it before), but because I dont want to.
I am turning into a James Frey, I think.
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