Whatever

I am heavily drunk right now. Which makes this blog a lot accurate than what it has been in the past.

We are all runnning away. From Death, which is the end but we refuse to admit it. Death is peace, the end of all the pain that life has in store for us. Life is pain. The joys in life are just a detterent. We try chasing happiness. Its like "You just get good marks in 10th. Life will be much better then." When you do that, its "Get through JEE, you will have nothing to worry about." When you make it through IIT, it is "Get through Mckinsey/BCG, CAT and life will be great". When you make it through IIM, it is "Get a Day Zero Summers, and life is chill throughout.". Life is never chill, It is one big pain.

Death is the answer. and the best thing was if we could all run away. From life towards death. But we just cant. Because of our relationships. We all have to suffer because man is a social animal that needs company. And relationships that cause more pain than joy. Most people are blind to this simple fact. I am not, at this moment atleast. I am at a higher plane, and the only thing that causes me pain is the fact that I cant die, because it shall pain my family and friends.

I wish I could die.....

If....

If you dont know what are you looking forward to
and everyday leaves you feeling hopeless and sad;
If you have nothing better to do,
than to pretend you are slowly turning mad.

If you are sure you have lost the will
to live in this world of blinding lights;
If each day seems like a big burden,
and alone is spent every single night.

If there are demons going through your mind,
which make you frown all the time;
If you somehow feel guilty deep inside,
of committing many heinous crimes.

If you have lost all emotions
of happiness, laughter and delight;
If it seems you are a picture of tragedy,
and nothing seems to be going right.

If love had found you,
and you have lost it now;
If all you can do is to wonder,
what, where, when and how?

If you just cant put a finger
on where did it all go wrong;
If the only thing you are sure of,
is that life has been far too long.

If you are afraid to tell
anyone about your sorry state;
If it seems noone understands you,
and all you have is your heart is unexplainable hate.

If you want to hurt this world badly
just like it has always hurt you;
If you know you are sick,
but even the best doctors cant cure you.

What do you tell yourself then,
as to why should you live on?
Arent you as good as dead,
because your life is already gone?

A not so anonymous letter

My first post from the "hallowed" portals of IIMC.

Reproducing here, a "funny" psychotic letter, I recieved from someone. Read on to find out more.
The envelope said, "Zubin Saini (MBA), Indian Institute of Management Calcutta, Joka, Kolkata (West Bengal) - 700104."

"Nothing is impossible in this world."

"My dear brother,
Hello brother, how do you do? I am fine here. How are father, mother and all. I want to know your health and family members health also.
Hello, my dear brother, how is your study going? My study is going well. Now, I have come to West Bengal. I want to meet you. I am eagerly waiting for my dear brother you. Now, I am very happy because I am speaking with my dear brother. Everyday I am praying for your studies and your health and family members health also. Surely, God will give you his wisdom and knowledge.
Everyday I am thinking for you. I dont expect from you anything. I want to see you. This only I want from you. If you are well, I am also well. If you are not well, I am also not well. This is true because my mind is always with you.
(Next, there is a paragraph in Tamil, which I cant read.)
Really, I dont have brother. But I am very happy because I have one elder brother. Everyday I am thinking for you. So, I can write this much.
I want to see you coming from Tamil Nadu. But unfortunately I didnt see you. Now, I have stayed in West Bengal. If you are very busy, you write me one letter. You write your address, phone number and cell number also. I do not want to disturb you. In case you did not write me one letter, I will worry anytime. Please brother, dont forget me. Immediately, write me one letter now. Then, when you are free at the time you come and see me. I pray for your all intentions to be successful. I am eagerly waiting for you.
Yours lovingly,
Signed incomprehensible.

My Address is :
J. John
(and some address of some village in some West Bengal district.)

(Please, immediately write me one letter, I am eagerly waiting for your letter.)
(Anybody if you get this letter, please you give my dear brother. Thanks for you.)"

WTF is this letter supposed to mean? Is it someone's idea of a prank? Or is it something more psychotic. I am scared. I havent ever been to Tamil Nadu, and I have no idea about West Bengal. And I have googled, I am the only Zubin Saini in this planet. How and why this letter then? What does God want me to do?Fuck God, and fuck this person. I am not doing anything. He can worry, even die, and I dont care.

On other thought, everything hurts.

Update

For those who didnt know, I had quit blogging for a while.

I am leaving New Delhi tomorrow.

I might or might not start blogging again from IIM Calcutta Campus.

And I really cherished this self-imposed exile from blogosphere, realising there were more important things in life.

As for the rest, please read my previous post.

Thanks.

Realisation

Some things are better left unsaid.

Solitude

"Har taraf har jagah beshumaar aadmi
Fir bhee tanhayeeon se ghiraa aadmi"

This was the firstJagjit Singh ghazal I heard, way back when I was in fifth standard. And while I could not comprehend the lyrics then, somehow the words stuck in my memory. And now, on a new threshold of my life, these words impose themselves on me and now I can fully understand them. I have been haunted by this feeling of solitude for days now. I have developed a pretty constant schedule for weekends and days I dont spend at office: I go to Barista and read. And while this is, to a very large account, due to the lack of company to spend time with, I actually like doing this as well. I have just discovered that I am even pretty happy when I am alone with my books, or when I am writing a blog. This has a lot to do with the realisation that even the best of friends are not going be there always, and that a man can only be happy if he seeks his happiness from within. And I am mildly surprised to realise this: I am happy even though the last few days have been devoid of friends, and been forced to long periods of solitude.

I have started writing this after five days, and the reason has been that I have been busy. And not with work, but with people. After the pretty dull life that I had been leading for the past few weeks, seems to have had reversed. Suddenly a lot has been happening. I am partying almost everyday with friends, and three of those days have been totally different company. The last week at Delhi probably promises to be a surprise in itself, and having fallen in love with the city, its probably going to be tough. The past five days have been days of, among other things, Masala Junction, learning people better, confessions and white wine. Its a complete contrast from my days described above. And I am liking this as well. What matters probably is happiness., and I am enjoying a very happy session (touchwood!!)

"Its not getting what you want, its wanting what you got."

This game called love

I just finished reading Love in the Time Of Cholera. It is a wonderful read, and quite unlike other Marquez' novels. For one, the novel does not have those elements of fantasy that I thought were hallmarks of all Marquez' novels. And two, it is a novel of immense hope. I think I particularly connected with it because of this phase of my life I am going through. It is one of those books that mirror your thoughts about a particular subject so closely. And your heart resurfaces with hope, which was lying submerged somewhere. The book also reveals the different forms of love between a man and a woman. One more, and possibly the most important, learning from the book is that love is not blind; rather it sees all the faults, and does not seem to mind. This book has turned a pessimist like me into a complete optimist. And I am liking this rare feeling of happiness even though a lot is not going my way.
The past week I also read this sentimental story about a guy who loves his best friend, but is afraid to say so, because he is afraid to end the wonderful friendship they have. As it turns out, he is never able to say the magical three words, and after she dies young because of leukemia, he comes to know that she had the same feelings for him. Just that both were unable to blurt it aloud to one other, and the love that they had found in one other could never express itself.
Love is a funny thing. It can make you conquer the world, and it can make you lose everything you ever had. Love makes you suffer, and it makes you happy. Love hurts and love heals. It is by no means easy. There are plenty of sacrifices to make, and possibly, a loss of your ego, your freedom. And even then there is no surety of you finding your love. It is a tough game, where even your best efforts might not be enough to succeed. The only way then, is to keep up the hope, and believe in it. If your love is strong enough though, it will succeed. Now or later. You might have to wait, but the wait will be worth it, or so have I realised from other people's examples. I am feeling happy right now, and the happiness is not because I have love all around me, but rather because I am sure I will have it one day. Not that there is any indicator to the effect, quite the opposite, but I am sure that if my love is strong enough (and I am sure it is), it will succeed one day.
On a separate note, the happiness I have is also based on the realisation that life has been kind to me. I know all of us have a tendency to be sad about things we dont have, but if we make a things of what we have, it shall far outnumber what we dont. For one, I have such wonderful parents, brother and friends. They love me and want me to succeed, and as such I dont know anyone who wants me to end up as a failure. I know that I can go to any of them and ask for help, and that they wont turn me away. Also, I think I have been extremely lucky to have a pretty sharp brain, and a healthy body. Even though I am not very rich, I am thankful that I never have to struggle to make both ends meet. And I also feel I am lucky that life throws me lifelines whenever I am down. Plenty of blessings to count then, but somehow we always tend to concentrate more on a missed grade, or a failed crush.
Love can make you do things you thought you could never do. Like quit drinking. And make you believe in miracles. Everything is possible in this world, to achieve which, like the popular Beatles say, All you need is love.

My Experiment with Politics-3

Year 3 : Feb 2004: The battle for the biggest post in the hostel, the House Secretary, was more a game of Chess than anything else. And it was a funny game, with not two opponents, but multiple ones. It was a fight based on ideologies, personal egos and worst of all, plain opportunitism. This was also the year when Kara conducted Rendezvous, and inspite of all the hype surrounding it after Tryst, couldnt live up to the expectations.
The stage had been set way before, with the Maintenance Secretary deciding to divide the working clas of the batch into two parts: the C wing and the D wing. The others, which also included some working junta, were pushed into double rooms. The C wing (also known as the Power wing) included 11 people, who were strong members of the Elite Group. They were also supposed to include two more people, both the two 'losing' candidates for Sports Secretary, who however decided to join the D wing. After a bit of adjustment then, the batch was roughly divided, demographically now, into three : the C wing, the D wing and the double room residents. This was also the time when the 'Loser' Group was formed. A group of six people, five of them from D wing, and one from a double room. We all had something to cry about (the system, politics, love etc), and hence we all deemed ourselves as "Losers'. But more of it later.
The Power wing included the Maintenance Secretary and the Mess Secretary. And both of them were deemed to be excellent candidates for the post of the House Secretary, because they had done plenty of work during the past year, leading Karakoram to the second spot in BHM. And they had plenty of other decent candidates as well, who could have won on any given day. There were plenty of working people in the D wing as well, actually more of them, but they didnot have any ambition of a post, and they were also afraid of the responsibility of leading the hostel next year. Moreover, the "political" people from D wing were more interested in external posts which were promised to them (Me included).
The actual Politics in the third year started off with the representatives from C wing coming up to me and proposing to me, the name of a candidate to whom I could hardly agree to. They talked about setting a tradition of making unanimous House Secretaries, something that had been their aim last year as well. Not because he wasnt decent, but because I had always sensed in him a negligence towards his responsibilities. Now, this person (lets call him Candidate A), was easily the best dancer/actor in our year, and had also served as the D&D representative, where his performance was far from satisfactory. And he had not done much of note during the past year as well. Moreover, A was a person who evoked extreme reactions from people. According to me, he had a habit of taking up a project with much enthusiasm and then leaving it midway. But at that time, there was no other candidate, and I desperately started looking for someone, for I personally didnt feel he fitted the bill.
Actually, I had been looking earlier too for one. A consensus candidate, I reasoned, would be a non-political figure who had worked for the hostel, and could handle the responsibility well. Along with Mr. D, who was one of the 'losing' Sports Secretary candidates (ironically, he was the "Elite Group's" choice then, but over the past year, we had grown quite close, not the least because of being losers; and we were very good friends), we singled out Mr. P, who had a political acumen, and was on good terms with almost everyone in the batch. Moreover, he had proved his credentials as a representative, with some pretty good results. He was excited and ready to take up the challenge, as well, and as such was probably the best House Secretary, consensus or not. And so we (me and D) decided on projecting him as a unanimous candidate.
But things just got more complicated, when S, who was another 'loser', and the winning Maintenance Secretary (who had however not been able to hold the post), decided to approach me as a friend, and ask my support for his bid to the post. Now this was something I had not been expecting, because he had refused me when I had earlier asked him about his political ambitions. But he had been loaded wit pressure and support from a few friends, who wanted him to stand just to teach a lesson to the Elite Group for last year. And so he was counting on my support, being one of his best friends. However, I had already committed myself to the ideas of making a consensus candidate in P, and so I could not promise anything to him, which sort of spoilt our relations a bit for a small time.
To pursue our dream of a consensus candidate further, I and D arranged a meeting of the prospective candidates (A and S) in a bid to pursue our own agenda of pushing P's name as a consensus. The result was anything but postive. S, sensing himself alone and without support, walked out of the meeting, to return back with his trusted ally, Mr. K (who, because of his image as a nogooder, was disliked by everyone else in the room). The Mess Secretary (henceforth called B, who was also the chief campaigner for A) went on a monologue to prove A's deservibility for the post, and to downplay any other prospective candidates. The meeting ended with both the candidates' groups refusing any concessions for batch unity and deciding to fight it out. And hence P dropped out from the list.
Now that no consensus had been reached, it was a pretty easy decision for me to make. I had supported S vehemently during the Maintenance Secretary Elections, and so was sure which side my emotions ruled. And I was prudent enough to tell this on the face to A and B, so that there was no personal hostility. And we started getting more people in our year working for S. D was supposed to be closer to S than to A, but he decided to opt for a neutral stance. We had to look for support elsewhere, and were expecting the non-working junta to support us, just because we were "closer" to them than the Elite Group. And then another thunderbolt struck.
The Sports Secretary, who had done nothing of note the entire year, decided to contest the elections as well. That, for me, was the end of any hopes that S had of winning the elections. The support that we were expecting from the Non-Working juntaa had been swept away in one big blow. And the worse thing for S was, that the Working Group, was also not entirely in his favour. The support base for S (that had made him win 34-17 last year) dwindled because of the following reasons :
a) People of the Working Group saw him as being too ambitious.
b) The presence of K as his "running mate" despised them no end. The working group feared, that if S was elected, K would hold the reins, a theory which I tried hard to dissuade.
c) The non-working group were now definitely supporting the Sports Secretary.
The support for S in our year then, was at a low. However, things could only get better from here. The first small success that came was that D was finally convinced to openly support S. The other good thing that we achieved was to persuade the Cultural Secretary, who had a bias towards A, not to openly support any of the candidate.
The task at hand, though was still a pretty formidable one. We needed to convince the freshers, all of them cheering for A (because, "he looks more like a House Secretary than S does."). We also needed to get the support of the M.Techs, without which the battle could not have been won. And so we decided stratergies day in and day out. We were also keeping an eye on the external elections, as our fortunes were also at stake. We got a big boost when R, a batchmate, and one who had access to around 35 votes decided to support us. And so finally the game was on. We were really working hard to get our message of having "worked for the hostel, having a good team and having external candidates in our side. " We were also banking on the fact that in a three way contest, we were sure to garner most of the Sports Secretary's and A's second choice votes (just because S was the only other acceptable candidate for the other). But the fact that the freshers were still split between A and the Sports Secretary, with only a handful even thinking about working for S, made things very difficult for us. And then another miracle happened. But before that there was also a drama.
The drama was this : P had always wanted to avoid elections, fearing it would split the batch permanently, and was even worried about the division of votes among S and A would help the Sports Secretary to the post, a scenario which most of the working group wanted to avoid. And se he proposed another consensus : that of making D, whose external aspirations had been almost crush being the consensus candidate of A and S groups, to take on the Sports Secretary. And he came to me with the proposal, to which I agreed wholeheartedly. For two reasons : the more obvious one being that it would almost assure D's victory, but the more clever one was that it helped me make P feel that S listened to me and D, and not K. I asked P to propogate the idea in the C wing, and to take it from me that once A and B agreed, D would be the agreed choice, because I had said yes on S behalf. And I did not even talk to S about it. Because I knew fully well that A and B would never agree, and while that proved them to be power hungry, I could win some symphaty back for S. And P tried for four hours to make A and B see reason, to no avail. P felt humiliated, and came back, a defeated man. And I told P that S had agreed, because he wasnt power hungry et al,and because I was more influental than K over him, but because the C wing hadnt relented let it be a full fledged fight. And so it was.
"The miracle" was not as much a miracle, actually, than a masterpiece played by yours truly in this game. It was probably the defining moment of those elections, when we managed to rope in loser M into our campaign barely three days before the D-day. Now M was another member of the loser group, but had promised to remain neutral during the entire campaign. He had been largely maligned during last year's anti-campaigning allegations, and as such had decided to stay away from all politics this year. He had instead, concentrated on making strong relations with the juniors, and through his selfless work and fundaes, was the inspiration for almopst all freshers. And when he came into the action, the entire freshers swung. Almost the entire batch, on a single day, decided to shift towards S. And that made things so much easier.
Then there were also news that two postgraduate candidates were also standing for the post, a news that was greeted with relief from our side. Becuase we had our consolidated 35-postgraduate vote bank, which wasnt going anywhere, any postgraduate candidate would only cut into A and the Sports Secy's vote bank. And that made us the favourites, up from the Losers tag we had barely three days ago.
A day before the D-day another proposal was mooted, and this came from the outgoing House Secretary : of a surprise voting among the B.Techs to decide one candidate who goes on to meet the two postgraduate in the final round. So as to counter the 'threat' of a postgraduate as a house Secy. The proposal was rejected by us, because we were very sure of our chances, and had calculated the numbers perfectly, and were sure of winning. There were other reasons as well, but its imprudent to write all of them here.
By this time, our hostel, which had won handsomely the past two times, was sitting on the losing side externally, because of desertions. I was supposed to be the BSP candidate for the alliance, and it hung in balance. But we were almost losing everything else.
By the time the D-day came, a lot of things that were not going in our favour changed. S was seen positively by the working group people, and some of them actually voted for him in the end, being tired of A and B's power hungry attitude. In the end, by the time of the first counting, S was in a huge 40 vote leads, and had got the requisite 50% votes by the third recount. The race for the second spot was much closer, with the Sports Secretary beating one Postgraduate candidate (the other one got only thre votes) and A by a couple of votes, in that order. A, who was the favourite, finished fourth. It was an unexpected victory, and time for a celebration.And K was on top of the world, as was S. But there were more important things to be done, I reminded S: The external elections.
Karakoram was losing this time around, and we searched for ways to make some hostel jump over to our alliance. It never happened. We were destined to lose, keeping the tags of loser alive. The only good thing about being in a losing alliance is that an hostel can have more external candidates to boot of. And so me (BSP), S (BHM) and D (BSW) all filed the nominations. S was a dummy, I was supposed to contest, and I might have had even won, but on the last moment, my English Chief Editor from Nilgiri was made the candidate, probably a consequence of some anti-alliance voting by Karakoram. And he lost by two votes. D lost in BSW as well. Our last hope remained SAC, which had S's ex-roomie (a core A supporter ironically) pitted against a Jwala candidate. It was close, but again we lost. We had just a Chief Editor of English to show up that year.
And then came our first lesson in external politics: The AIC elections. We decided to put up a candidate for the post, a reluctant candidate albeit, who was the other losing candidate for the Sports Secy (working Group's candidate). Me, S and S's ex roomie (Mr. AD!!) tried the entire day for some miracle to happen, and there were a few signs that one might, but there was none. He lost, but we had our first experience of External Politics, and we had sure liked it.
Now all I was looking forward to was next year, and to lead Karakoram to victory in style. That was the aim, and I was hoping that S would opt me over K. And that hope dimmed the moment K was nicknamed "Advaniji" by people around. But there was plenty to look forward to next year.

My Experiment with Politics-2

Year 2: March 2003 The time coincided with the general feeling of feel-good within the hostel, which had just conducted the biggest technical festival of North India of all time, Tryst 2003. As it turned out, it was just the calm before the storm, something which was to blow up the entire year apart. And, worst of all, I, unwittingly, was at the start, end and centre of it. There had been a controversy during Tryst which had tended to split the working junta of the hostel into two. The controversy was resolved, but it left almost permanent fissures within our batch.
The second year politics started off with the Elite Group (again almost the same set of people) deciding that the time had come to get up their act again. And this time they made their decision in a closed room, promising to give the posts to the most "deserving" persons. And then they came to me with the list. Now, well, I was a pretty important figure in my year, because I was on pretty good terms with everyone in my batch, and so my opinion did matter. But some of the decisions made by the group seemed controversial, and as always, I believed that the decision lay on the entire batch, rather than a group of people, even if it included myself. And I also believed, quite convincingly, that I would make the best Cultural Secretary, but the Group had chosen someone else, who was undoubtedly the most talented and the best representative we had, but who was reluctant to take up the responsibility. And that became the first step of the controversy between two groups, the Elite one and the group which had also worked for the hostel, but had not really wanted anything much, but were there just to voice their frustration at the scheme of things (except for me probably :D) (I will call it the working group). And on our side was the person who had been the Elite Group's candidate for Cultural Secretary And the fight later spilled onto other posts as well, pitting three people in direct fight in Sports Secretary, and two in Maintainance Secretary. The only post that remained uncontested was the post of the Mess Secretary, but that was because the only candidate had maneovered his way pretty well. He was the main proponent of the Elite Group, and while he is a good friend today, those days were not the best in terms of our friendship. In a consensus building exercise, the guy tipped to be the Cultural Secretary gradually agreed, and I (and a lot of other pretenders to the post) backed out.
The biggest fallout of this all was in Sports, where the three nominees represented the three groups that had informally built up in the hostel : the Elite, the Working, and the non-working. And a meeting among the three candidates themselves , they agreed on the third candidate. It was one of the decisions that was to haunt us for the next whole year. The other two candidates were much much worhtier in every respect, and while one of them (Elite Group's candidate, who after this was to become one of my very best friends) went on to become the BSA Gsecy as well, it also marked the end of a brilliant sporting career for the second (who was, and is, one of my best friends, and was the Working group's candidate), who went on, however, to make an invaluable contribution to the Karakoram BRCA team the rest three years.
The Maintaince Secy post, however, was by far the most controversial, where the two candidates were also very good friends :the Elite Group's one, who was banking on his "deserving" prowess, pitted against one of the most likeable guys in the batch then. He had a full supporter in me, because I believed him to be able to completely fulfil all his responsibilities.
Inspite of all the talk of consensus, things finally came to a standstill, and finally a batch vote was agreed on. And there I came into the picture, arbitarily one day deciding that the time was right for one, and inviting people to my room to come and vote. The people voted, and by the end the result was shocking : 34-17 to the working group's candidate. It was a verdict noone, including me, had predicted, and it led to vast allegations of anti-campaigning by the Elite Group. The batch was on a verge of a virtual split, when something else happened.
The candidate I had supported was asked by seniors whether he wanted to become an External Secretary. It was on the condition that he would resign from the Maintenance Secretary's post. He agreed, and the Maintenance Secy's post went to the losing candidate from the Elite Group. The worse thing, however, was that the winner was not even given an external post, because of some external changes at the last minute. It created divisions in the batch, and the initial 34-17 was divided into 3 groups: of roughly 17 each again: those voting the Elite Group, those voting the Working group, and agreeing that the new Maintenance Secretary was good enough (this included me, and almost the entire set of people who mattered), and those who were totally against the new Maintenance Secretary. It was a fight that was to continue next year as well. But for now, the first two parties had sort of made peace, and that was all that mattered.
In the external elections, it was the year that Kara got the BRCA GSecy. So it was a matter of great pride. And in a little detail, the only other external post that Kara got was the Hindi Chief Editor, which fell to yours truly. And I only knew about it while I was going inside SAC for voting. I was the BSP English rep, and so I even gave my speech in more English than Hindi. I was a complete misfit for the post, but being the only candidate, I was kind of accepted for the post. It was maybe a cookie for the Working Group, who had given their all, but had not gotten any bigger post internally (except maybe Cultural Secretary). And maybe it was also to assuage all those supporters of the winning Maintenace Secy, who could not become the external Secretary, he was promised.
Anyways, Politics had treated me pretty well again, and I was looking forward to the next year, when the ultimate prize: The House Secretary was to be decided.

The Green Eyed Monster

I never thought this would happen to me
And this was not how things were meant to be
I was so green with jealousy
to see you with him, so happy

I should be happy for you, a voice inside me says
But then I remember all those long-forgotten days
When we were together,albeit for a brief time
And another voice tells me You should be mine.

I am sorry for feeling this way
But the green eyed monster refuses to fade away
I have become obsessive about you
believing we could make a fabulous two

I think you are made only for me
and so I get so angry, as to why cant you see
That I will keep you happy as well,
And I can even hear the ringing wedding bells.

The world would then be a much better place to live in
And whatever we might have to face, we would win
My only hope is that you will soon realize it too
That there is only one truth : I love you.