Mahabharata - 1 : The Story of Yayati

Here is my own take on the Mahabharata. I have long believed that history is written by winners, and if the epic battle did actually take place, there was plenty to explain that has not been explained by sage Vyas. So for all of those who want to know the real deal this is the first story of the Mahabharat series.

The Story of Yayati
Shukracharaya, the guru of the asuras, was presently working at the court of Vrishaparva, the asura king, who greatly respected the guru because of his ability to bring back to life fallen asuras.
Devayani was the only daughter of Shukracharaya and because of the adulation of his father, had grown into a stubborn and arrogant, albeit very beautiful, young woman.
One day, the daughter of Vrishaparva, Sharmishtha, came to the guru's ashram, along with her friends, as they were going out to the forests for a picnic. In between the picnic, the girls decided to take a bath at a lake nearby. Now as far as my understanding of Hindu mythology goes, bathing together was a very popular hobby by the Indian folks; girls with girls and girls with boys. So well, these beautiful girls decided to take a bath in the lake. Now, as soon as these women had stripped naked and gone into the lake, a violent storm blew away their clothes, and their clothes got mixed. Now well, when the women came out of the lake, Devayani could not find her blouse, and got really angry when she saw Sharamishtha wearing hers. Now, boys, brace yourself for the catfight of the last five millenniums. (Just imagine this carefully - and in your imagination, let me remind you, Devyani is naked all this while - Another thing to add to this, Devayani is a classical beauty while Sharmishtha is a sexy hottie).
Devayani: Saali Kutiyaa (F***ing bitch)! How dare you wear my clothes? Dont you know who I am? Who do you think you are? I am the daughter of the great shukracharya, and he is the guru of all asuras. And you took my clothes. You are nothing but a common thief, stealing my clothes like that. Take them off right now.
Sharmishtha (feeling ashamed by the humiliation): tu kuttiya (You are a bitch)! I am the daughter of the king of the asuras! And the things you say about your father! Your father is dependent on my father for survival. My father is the one who feeds him. You father is but a beggar in the court of my father. You wear my leftovers! It is you who is poor, not me. I am a princess, while you are the daughter of a beggar.
Devayani (holding her by the hair) : Give me my clothes back, you bitch.
Sharmishtha (yelping): Help friends help!
Friends of Sharmishtha: Get off her, bitch! And they go and lift Devayani, and in the fight that ensues (this was the precursor of the kabaddi, contrary to what you read here) Devyani falls into a well nearby. Now when she falls, Sharmishtha and friends, leave her there, and go back to the palace. Devayani left alone, started crying and calling for help. She was sure now that she could not go back to the place whose king's daughter had humiliated her, and that she would not return home, if somehow she could get out of the well first.
As is always fated to happen when the damsel is in distress, in walks the handsome prince (rather, a king). Yayati, the king of Khandavprastha, was hunting and had lost his way, when he heard the wailing of a woman from the well. He looked down, to see Devayani, a beautiful maiden lying naked. He helped her out of the well (presumably by throwing down a rope or something) and then held her right hand. He had fallen in love, and so had Devayani, as she realized that this was the first man, other than her father, who had seen her naked.
Devayani (after covering herself with the branch of a tree): Who are you prince, and what are you doing here?
Yayati: I am Yayati, the king of Khandavprastha. I was out hunting and lost my way. But who are you, oh beauty, and why were you there?
Devayani: Marry me Prince, you have held me by the right hand and have seen me naked, and hence now you ought to make me your wife.
Yayati: But tell me who are you?
Devayani: I am the daughter of Shukracharya, the guru of the asuras. I was thrown here by some of my friends. I have been forsaken, o king, and you are the only one who can rescue me. Please marry me.
Yayati (trying to hide his boner): Yes, oh beautiful one! (thinking: Oh what a beauty! How good would it feel to have her on bed...and he started imagining, and suddenly the image of Shukracharya interrupted that dream...What if the guru got angry, no he will curse me): But no, you are the daughter of a Brahman while I am of a lower caste, Kshatriya, so I cannot marry you. But I am ready to take you to your home and leave you with your father.
Devayani: Okay then, leave me here, I will sit here, because I have decided not to go back home, and you should go now. You turn to the left and will find the way.
Yayati: Thank you, o beauty, but are you sure you will be fine here?
Devayani: Yes I will, (and Yayati leaves, his boner now harder than ever).

Shukracharya, after waiting for his daughter to arrive, entered the forest himself, and found his daughter sitting naked under a tree. When he inquired about her daughter's condition, Devayani told the entire story, about how Sharmishtha had abused him, she and her friends had thrown her into the well, and how Yayati had rescued her. She also told her of her vow not to go back into that king's reign, unless Sharmishtha apologized to her.
Hearing this Shukracharya lost his cool, and went to Vrishaparva to tell him he was leaving the kingdom. The king was at a loss about what happened, and pleaded to Shukracharya to forgive whatever mistake he had made. Shukracharya then told the king to ask his daughter, and went away angrily. The asura king knew that without Shukracharya to revive the asuras from the dead, they would never be able to challenge the devas. The asura king made haste to ask Sharmishtha about the incident, and taking her with him, went under the tree where Shukracharya was sitting with his daughter. Sharmishtha apologised to Devayani, who only agreed to return back to the kingdom if Sharmishtha agreed to be her slave. Sharmishtha, for her father's sake, agreed and thus Sharmishtha left her palace to stay as a slave to Devayani.

One day, Yayati lost her way again and this time came to Shukracharya's ashram. Devayani, who was sitting next to Sharmishtha, immediately recognised him and again proposed him to marry her. Yayati went with Devayani to Shukracharya, who agreed to this match, as Yayati was the MEB (Most Eligible Bachelor) at the time. However, he also told Yayati that he should not marry anyone else other than her daughter. (Yayati was a bit disappointed by this, but Devayani was so beautiful, that he agreed. He also noticed the hot Sharmishtha, and coupled by the combines effect of the two beauties, had soon another boner). The marriage was held in great pomp and show, and Sharamishtha, being the maid of Devayani, also went with her to Khandavprastha.

Yayati was happy in the company of Devayani, and had a great time with her, and soon she was pregnant. Sharmishtha and Devayani, meanwhile, had managed to become good friends, but Sharmishtha also wanted to lead her old life of pleasure. Devayani got Yayati to build a new palace especially for Sharmishtha, but when Devayani gave birth to Yadu, Sharmishtha's desire of being a mother was roused. So, one day while Yayati was alone, she went up and offered herself to him. (Yayati thought: what about Devayani, and what about Shukracharaya - but f*** them, what a lovely ass, and those boobs wow!!! - I have waited for this moment for so long). He agree to be the father of her children, as long as it was kept a secret, and soon Sharmishtha was pregnant. When Devayani asked her about the father, she said some Rishi had come and given her a good f***. Devayani was satisfied, and soon Sharmishtha gave birth to Druhyu. In the course of time, Devayani gave birth to Turvasu while Sharmishtha delivered Anu and Puru in that order. All of them were fathered by Yayati, who used to go to Sharmishtha and her sons while telling Devayani he was out hunting. The five sons used to play together, and all of them resembled Yayati, which gave Devayani some hint. One day, while all of them were playing, she asked Druyhu about his father. He calmly pointed to the king. Devayani was livid. She flew out of rage, and went back to her father, Yayati followed her, and Shukracharya, who could never see his daughter cry, and after hearing about his adultery, cursed Yayati :"May you become old, and never be able to enjoy material possesions of the world." Yayati begged for forgiveness, and Devayani also grew sad (He was pretty good in sex, and she wanted him in bed). She also asked her father to forgive her husband. Shukracharya said, "I cant take back this curse, but if one of your sons is ready to take your old age and your diseases, you can get back your youth again. Also the son who will agree will become famous all over the world as a just king."
Yayati felt happy hearing this. Surely all of his obedient sons would share his fate. He first went to the eldest son Yadu, who hearing his father request, laughed at him, and said, "I have my own life father. I want to have sex, I have just discovered it, its so cool, I cant give it all up." He then went to Druyhu, who also refused, giving fundes like "But father, being old will also make me lose all my intelligence. I have just started learning about this world." Next came Turvasu and Anu, but both of them also refused. Thus forsaken, Yayati went to Puru, who agreed wholeheartedly to take his old age, more because he was kind of stupid than anything else. Yayati remembered Shukracharya, and suddenly Yayati became young and Puru grew old, and making Puru to look after his kingdom, he went on something like a fuckfest with Sharmishtha and Devayani. After some time, he also copulated the beautiful apsara Viswachi, and enjoyed so for a thousand years. (Mahabharat has a habit of exaggerating it - it probably means 10 years). But the more he had sex, the more he wanted to have more of it. And then he realised that sex is like oil in fire - the more you have, the more you want it. The want never ends. And that is when he decided to give back the youth he had borrowed from Puru, and made him the king, and himself went for sanyaas. The people of his kingdom rebelled in favour of Yadu, who was the rightful heir, being the eldest son. However, Yayati who despite all his libido was also a just king, reminded them of Shukracharaya's prophecy, and the people got behind Puru. And Yadu, who refused to recognize Puru as the king, was exiled from the kingdom, where he set his own kingdom outside India.

(A question you might ask: Did they have condoms those days? Yes they did, and they worked better now than they do now. That is why Rachel gets pregnant in one night fucks, while Draupadi produced only five sons. More about that later though).

And here lay the seeds of the Mahabharat battle many many many generations later.