A Suitable Boy

"Why do we live?" And I, back in those days when I felt good, "Because of hope. It is the hope that one day things will improve, get better." And then I blurted out the story of Love in the Times of Cholera, and about how much hope it had filled me with. And then I also said these lines someone else had told me "It is never the end, unless you decide its the end." It is always the same: Goran Ivanisevic, Lance Armstrong and more. I had continued,"You live for people around you, people who love you, like you, and want you to do well in life. You might not see it, but they care about you. Everything you do which is bad for yourself hurts them. And you live to see them happy, because if you die it will make you sad."

I have to keep reminding myself this. I am here because I have a purpose. I might not be anybody, but even then I'll be. I am what I am. I know people like me, and love me for what I am, and I am not going to lose any more friends. I am going to be good. I am going to live, not because I hope one day things will get better, but because I've realised this is what life actually is. If everything was good, life wouldnot be worth it.

I am going to be a good son, brother and friend. Sorry for everything. I am going to be a good person. I am going to be a suitable boy :P.

My only regret, if any, at this moment is: I cant study. And my GPA is not going up, and I know its not going to go up.

Life is hard. I am taking it easy. As the Americans say, "When the rape is inivetible, lie down and enjoy it." Nice thought for the day.

Life is wasted

A whole lifetime wasted.

There was no tomorrow.
I didnt have the courage.
I am sorry.
Do I really give a damn about how you feel about me?
I dont.
I do.
The voices again.

Alcohol is the perfect answer.

I am spoilt. I am not going to get better. I dont want to get better. Self realisation is the best realisation.

Maybe, I am just giving in to the dark side.
Maybe, that is what I always want to be,

Hoping I get a PPO from Bloomberg, otherwise I dont know what life has in store.

A lot like love, A million little pieces and Apocalypse Now

Pretty much sums up all I have done since coming back to IIMC. Add in a bit of Friends, Seinfeld, Southpark, FIFA, AOE and EA Cricket too, and in comes the feeling of guilt thats been eating me. Forever. My entire life. I am fighting it. Right now I am winning, but for how long, I wonder.

Exams start in two days. Study.
Fuck exams, enjoy life. Dont study. You will pass anyways, and the exams this time are quant based, you will do great. Why study?
You will always remain a five pointer if you dont study.
As if you give a damn what pointer you are.
You know you do.
You know you dont.
You do.
You dont.
do.
dont.
do.
dont.
Yes.
No.

Fuck. Someone stop these voices.

She.

Just tell everything tomorrow. You will be good and happy, believe me. Dont think what the world says, just concentrate on yourself being happy. Dont care about the studies. It shall all be fine.

I am ready to believe you.

Tomorrow my life can change for the better. Or else, if it doesnt work out, I am going to remain the same way forever. I want to be good, one last time. Keeping my fingers crossed.

Happy.....

Today is my last night in Delhi for the next two months atleast. And I am not drunk. Neither doped. But I am happy. Inside out. After a long long time.

I have fallen in love again, I think, with life, and with certain people. And I want to enjoy this feeling forever. I want to give myself a chance to be happy. All the evil thoughts for now have been pushed to the corner. Thanks to everyone, and especially to the one person to whom I owe this more than anyone else.

The Delhi/Dharamsala trip wasnt fun always, but at the end of it all, am feeling better I guess. Much better than when I came in. Am finally seeing some hope. About life, the universe and everything.

Here is looking forward to a good, happy living.

Take care people, and have fun.

From now on, if I write, I hope it shall be about the good things in life.

Excerpts from A Million Little Pieces: My thoughts

"I hang up the phone and I stare at the floor and I think about my Mother and my Father in a Hotel Room in Chicago and I wonder why they still love me and why I can't love them back and how two normal stable people could have created something like me, lived with something like me and tolerated something like me. I stare at the floor and I wonder. How did they tolerate me."

"Near the end, there is a section of testimonials. There is one by a dentist, one by a European drinker, one by a salesman, one by an educated Agnostic. They were all Alcoholic disasters, they all found God, they all started dancing the Twelve Steps, they all got better. As with all testimonials like this that I've heard or read or been forced to endure, something about them strikes me as weak, hollow and empty. Though the people in them are no longer drinking and doing drugs, they're still living with the obsession. Though they have achieved sobriety, their lives are based on avoidance, discussion and vilification of the chemicals they once needed and loved. Though they function as human beings, they function because of their meetings and their Dogma and their God. Take away their Meetings and their Dogma and they have nothing, Take them away and they are back where they started. They have an addiction.
Addictions need fuel. I am not convinced Meetings and a Dogma and a God can fuel mine. If what the doctor says at the beginning is true, and joining AA is the only way to cure me, then I'm completely fucked. Fucked Fucked Fucked."

"We're here to help you James. We're here to help you get better and to help you learn how to stop killing yourself. If you do what we tell you to do and you follow the Program we prescribe, you will live a long and happy life.
I have recieved my sentence.
It doesnt have to be carried out. Just trust us.
Have you got anything else to say to me?
I hope you'll trust us, I hope you'll give us a chance to help you, and I hope to God you're here tomorrow.
I stare at him. His eyes are thick and wet and breaking. He is obviously sad and obviously disappointed. I'm tired of making people sad and I'm tired of disappointing them and I'm tired of seeing them break. I have seen this too many times. He will be the last.

I am singularly the most self-destructive individual I have ever known, and this fact makes me hate, and destroy myself, even more. Paradoxical?

I have found a motivation to live. I want to do something really famous by the age of 27, and then join Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison and Kurt Cobain. Pretty?

A Million Little Pieces...

I am no James Frey. I am not even an addict. I hope, I never become him.

This book is screwing my mind, and I am screwing my body. Have just finished the first part of the book, and reading about James' totally screwed up mind, am just thinking about how similiar I think. About everything around.

About parents, elder brother, treatment for alcohol abuse, seeing psychologists, life, death, friends, her.

Will I end up like him?

Have been drinking a lot lately, and even though everyone here says I should stop, and everyone there says I should stop, I wont. Not that I cant, (I have done it before), but because I dont want to.

I am turning into a James Frey, I think.