So well the Indian rupee has become only the fifth currency to get its own symbol, or that is what is being reported. However, if you go through the list of "Insert Symbols" in Microsoft Word, you will find 23 currency symbols, and that excludes the dollar, yen, pound, euro and the Chinese RMB signs, which are part of Latin signs. And we Indians, as we do for everything ranging from Sunil Laxmi Mittal and Indra Nooyi to Sunita Williams and Kalpana Chawla, are gloating over the "achievement". Just like in the case of the four people above, I do not know why should every Indian be proud of it. How does this indicate that the Indian currency has landed on the international stage? Are countries like Iran willing to take payment in Indian rupees (an exemption they are making for the Chinese RMB) - no, they are not, and I am not sure even Bhutan would agree to payment in the new Devanagari symbol. This is just another symbol, and it is a decision taken by a cabinet. It is not that the Rupee has suddenly become stronger, and can buy you 0.03 USD instead of 0.025 USD. The decision could have been taken ages ago, and it would not have mattered. It doesn't matter now anyway.
And the symbol was something only an IITian could have come up with. Mr. Udaya Kumar apparently studied "typography, scripts and ancient printing methods" but for those who know how IITians work, it was innovation at its most obvious. He just decided that all currency symbols have a horizontal or vertical dash running through an alphabet, and voila, he improvised with the devanagari र. And now, it has come to represent Indian tradition and also the half- letter of the Roman R. And Mr. Kumar is part of Indian history, and an answer to another useless question that children have to answer in their GK tests.
So well, it is day 11 of my break, and I haven't done much writing yet. Except for some write-up on Indian politics. The good news, however, is that I have the broad storyline ready, and I will let the characters develop as they come. Moreover, I have the opening paragraph ready. And I am looking forward to your feedback on the same. Here are the opening lines:
"I am no good at opening lines. Because of which, in order to start this conversation, I will just assume I have been introduced to you by a Barney Stinson- like wingman, who has darted off saying “Hi! Have you met Karan?” leaving me face to face with you.
As you might have guessed, I am Karan, a big fan of “How I met your mother”. I am also a big fan of Friends, Scrubs, Seinfeld, the Big Bang Theory and South Park.
I love REM, the band. I also like Dire Straits, U2, Coldplay, Third Eye Blind, Doors, the Beatles, and Bruce Springsteen among others – well there are too many of them to mention. I like good music, period – and that does include some Hindi music as well, though not too much. "
It will be a tale of rivalry and revenge based on the Mahabharat, and Karan and Arjun will be the two central characters. I have twisted the plot a bit though - Karan will be the upper caste super achiever, while Arjun will be his lower caste peer entrusted with the responsibility of his four brothers and widowed mother. The story will take us through the struggles between the two, and there will be number of other characters like Duryodhana, Draupadi and Krishna.
The narrative will be in first person, and all characters will introduce themselves and lead towards the plot. So there will be chapters dedicated to a single character, and the entire story will play out according to his point of view. For we often forget, there is no absolute truth, and that truth only depends on how we see it.
Apart from this though, there is nothing much else going on. I haven't introspected much about what I wanna do, but on the flip side, I am finally learning driving and loving it, and there are plenty of good movies and sports events to fall upon to - on TV and on the big screen. And I have discovered the joy of Age of Empires again, and am actually playing better than I remember myself playing. The parties continue though, and I am looking forward to play tennis again. Soon. On the cards is also a trip to Chandigarh for the reissue of my expired passport, and a week-long trip home. And then back and getting done with some real work. Life goes easy on me, most of the time, as the song goes. Looking forward to the next three months, and life in general. For a change.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Saturday, July 03, 2010
The God of Loserness.
I haven't felt so low in a long time. I feel like a fucking loser, after watching Argentina crash out yet again. To Germany. In the quarter-finals. And it was kind of more difficult to take in because this time it was Maradona, the God himself, who was coaching the team. And it had the best player in the world, Lionel Messi, and a star strikeforce who had managed 170 goals in the past season for their respective clubs. Surely, nothing could have stopped the Argentine juggernaut from rolling, and the effortless way in which Argentina had managed to win its previous four matches convinced me, and many supporters like me, that this was the time to end 24 years of heartbreak. And our hopes came falling down like a pack of cards as the Argentine team was dismantled. The God, and the demi-god, could just watch. And do nothing about it. For maybe there was another God at work. The God of Loserness, and more often than not he strikes.
I have often wondered how I have influenced results of final/close-to-final matches I have managed to watch. All I need to do is to watch a match, and the team/player I was supporting was more likely to lose. When I say more likely, I mean like with a 99% probability. Lets go through the entire list:
1) Rome 1990: Me supporting Argentina, and Germany won.On a penalty that wasnt there, and two red cards shown to the Albeceleste. I watched the whole match, even though it was school the next day - a Monday.
2) Auckland, Sydney, Melbourne 1992: In the three successive matches, I supported New Zealand, South Africa and England respectively and watched every ball being bowled. As you might have guessed, all three lost and Pakistan ended up winning the Cricket World Cup.
3) Los Angeles 1994: Again I watched the entire match, supporting Paolo Maldini and Roberto Baggio against the arrogant Brazilians. Again my team lost.
4) Kolkata 1996: The most famous of the lot, if you are a cricket fan. I remember watching the entire match and crying later. How did India throw it away just when I was telling my dad that we have won it, when we were cruising at 90odd for 1, is a question that haunts me till this day. Sri Lanka, a side I absolutely hated, then went on to defeat the Australia of Glenn Mcgrath and Steve Waugh in the finals as well.
5) Paris 1998: An exception that proves the rule. I did not get to watch the final, being ragged in my first day in DAV College, and therefore, the team I was supporting, France, won 3-0 against the Brazilians. Only time in my memory that I have cheered the final result in the Football world Cup. But, mind you, only because I missed it.
The list goes on, including the finals of the 2005 Champions League at Istanbul. While I did follow club football, the 2005 finals were the first I had a chance to watch since 1995, when the ESPN boom took club football away from Doordarshan. I started watching it right after the half time break. Milan leading 3-0, me supporting Milan in a common room full of Liverpool supporters. And we all know what happened then. The God of Loserness led to the downfall of the club, and Milan fans only revenged the defeat two years later because I could not see that match, otherwise Liverpool and Milan both would have six trophies by now.
And the defeats of Argentina to Germany in the two successive World Cup quarterfinals have been probably the most difficult ones to take. Especially, having followed football all through this season, and watching all teams I supported in different leagues lose, I thought the World Cup was payback time. Milan, Arsenal, Schalke all lost. In the Champions League, Milan and Barcelona fell and of all teams, Inter Milan, with that arrogant bastard, Mourinho, won. I took it in my stride, because I thought that the one God above will compensate me for the whole year, by making Argentina, and Maradona, and Messi, win. But how wrong I was! And now I feel like such a loser.
Well, I am just being a sore loser you say. Why make such a big deal out of it? After all, it is just a game, and I have other things in life to look after. Except that, sadly, I dont.
Now, you can either live a life of meaning or a life of happiness, they say. I decided long ago - a life of meaning is no life at all. A life of happiness is what really it is. And these are the small things that bring true joy. And for me, at present, an overeducated, out-of-work, single man, there can be no bigger joy than watching sports. And cheering my team to win. Except that the life of happiness turns up into a life of sadness when all the above happens.
But I have no complaints, all these years. Losing makes you a better person. And I guess I am a better and a stronger person after 20 years of losing. For this is the beauty of sport, and of life. It gives you a chance to fight back, and you have never really lost till you think you have lost. So I will be back supporting Argentina in 2014. And the God of Loserness will bow to the spirit in me. Eventually, I hope. A hope that has been sustaining me for the past 20 years.
I have often wondered how I have influenced results of final/close-to-final matches I have managed to watch. All I need to do is to watch a match, and the team/player I was supporting was more likely to lose. When I say more likely, I mean like with a 99% probability. Lets go through the entire list:
1) Rome 1990: Me supporting Argentina, and Germany won.On a penalty that wasnt there, and two red cards shown to the Albeceleste. I watched the whole match, even though it was school the next day - a Monday.
2) Auckland, Sydney, Melbourne 1992: In the three successive matches, I supported New Zealand, South Africa and England respectively and watched every ball being bowled. As you might have guessed, all three lost and Pakistan ended up winning the Cricket World Cup.
3) Los Angeles 1994: Again I watched the entire match, supporting Paolo Maldini and Roberto Baggio against the arrogant Brazilians. Again my team lost.
4) Kolkata 1996: The most famous of the lot, if you are a cricket fan. I remember watching the entire match and crying later. How did India throw it away just when I was telling my dad that we have won it, when we were cruising at 90odd for 1, is a question that haunts me till this day. Sri Lanka, a side I absolutely hated, then went on to defeat the Australia of Glenn Mcgrath and Steve Waugh in the finals as well.
5) Paris 1998: An exception that proves the rule. I did not get to watch the final, being ragged in my first day in DAV College, and therefore, the team I was supporting, France, won 3-0 against the Brazilians. Only time in my memory that I have cheered the final result in the Football world Cup. But, mind you, only because I missed it.
The list goes on, including the finals of the 2005 Champions League at Istanbul. While I did follow club football, the 2005 finals were the first I had a chance to watch since 1995, when the ESPN boom took club football away from Doordarshan. I started watching it right after the half time break. Milan leading 3-0, me supporting Milan in a common room full of Liverpool supporters. And we all know what happened then. The God of Loserness led to the downfall of the club, and Milan fans only revenged the defeat two years later because I could not see that match, otherwise Liverpool and Milan both would have six trophies by now.
And the defeats of Argentina to Germany in the two successive World Cup quarterfinals have been probably the most difficult ones to take. Especially, having followed football all through this season, and watching all teams I supported in different leagues lose, I thought the World Cup was payback time. Milan, Arsenal, Schalke all lost. In the Champions League, Milan and Barcelona fell and of all teams, Inter Milan, with that arrogant bastard, Mourinho, won. I took it in my stride, because I thought that the one God above will compensate me for the whole year, by making Argentina, and Maradona, and Messi, win. But how wrong I was! And now I feel like such a loser.
Well, I am just being a sore loser you say. Why make such a big deal out of it? After all, it is just a game, and I have other things in life to look after. Except that, sadly, I dont.
Now, you can either live a life of meaning or a life of happiness, they say. I decided long ago - a life of meaning is no life at all. A life of happiness is what really it is. And these are the small things that bring true joy. And for me, at present, an overeducated, out-of-work, single man, there can be no bigger joy than watching sports. And cheering my team to win. Except that the life of happiness turns up into a life of sadness when all the above happens.
But I have no complaints, all these years. Losing makes you a better person. And I guess I am a better and a stronger person after 20 years of losing. For this is the beauty of sport, and of life. It gives you a chance to fight back, and you have never really lost till you think you have lost. So I will be back supporting Argentina in 2014. And the God of Loserness will bow to the spirit in me. Eventually, I hope. A hope that has been sustaining me for the past 20 years.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Updates. And a Love Story.
I have been terribly busy over the last month and a half, which partially explains the lack of any posts for a while. Having officially resigned, I have been put into a project which is taking its own sweet time to get over, and I am working late nights to be able to finish the project and get out of this company. Which, as you can tell, by the sense of frustration creeping into this post, has not happened as of yet. It might take another week, or another two weeks, but the flip side is that they cannot keep me after 3rd July. When I will be free. Free as a bird. Or at least something close to it. Till then, the World Cup, and Argentina's performance, will keep me sane.
I am in love. Been in love for the last 20 years, and the love surfaces every four years. While I have fallen in and out of love many times since, this love story stood the test of time. It is this story I am telling you about now.
I fell in love with Argentina during the build up to the Italia 1990. As a 7 year old, it was my first time watching and reading about football. I didn't remember anything of the 1986 World Cup, and there was not much club football to be viewed in those pre-ESPN days. So well, DD had a number of programs as built up to the Italia 1990, and it was in them that I saw clips of the 1986 World Cup. And it was that goal, I guess which hooked me to the legend of Maradona. I was sure he was someone special, and I knew which team to support in Italia 1990.
And what a tournament it was! History records it as the worst tournament ever, dominated by defenses and bad fouls. But if you were a 7 year old falling in love with football in general and the best team in general, it did not matter. All I knew was that Maradona and Argentina were my team and I was going to support them, no matter what. Which is why, the first match of Italia 1990, which was probably the first World Cup match I remember seeing, was such a shock. A team, from the unheard country of Cameroon, beat Argentina 1-0. I was crying after the result, and remember asking my relatives if Argentina had any chance to qualify. They did qualify. And a love affair started - along with a run to the final, during which they defeated Brazil and Italy among others - two teams I have never really ever liked. Only for the run to be ended by a ridiculous referee in the final. A false penalty given, and Argentina and Maradona were condemned to finish second. But I knew who were my number one.
The love story has endured over the past 20 years now, and it has been a source of more sorrow than joy. Second round in 1994, quarter final in 1998 and 2006, while failure to reach the second round in 2002 are not just the results you expect from the Argentines. Which is why I believe the time has come for payback. Messi and co., you owe me that much for supporting you through thick and thin. All you need to do is to win the World Cup. Beating Brazil and Italy again in the process would be just a bonus.
I am in love. Been in love for the last 20 years, and the love surfaces every four years. While I have fallen in and out of love many times since, this love story stood the test of time. It is this story I am telling you about now.
I fell in love with Argentina during the build up to the Italia 1990. As a 7 year old, it was my first time watching and reading about football. I didn't remember anything of the 1986 World Cup, and there was not much club football to be viewed in those pre-ESPN days. So well, DD had a number of programs as built up to the Italia 1990, and it was in them that I saw clips of the 1986 World Cup. And it was that goal, I guess which hooked me to the legend of Maradona. I was sure he was someone special, and I knew which team to support in Italia 1990.
And what a tournament it was! History records it as the worst tournament ever, dominated by defenses and bad fouls. But if you were a 7 year old falling in love with football in general and the best team in general, it did not matter. All I knew was that Maradona and Argentina were my team and I was going to support them, no matter what. Which is why, the first match of Italia 1990, which was probably the first World Cup match I remember seeing, was such a shock. A team, from the unheard country of Cameroon, beat Argentina 1-0. I was crying after the result, and remember asking my relatives if Argentina had any chance to qualify. They did qualify. And a love affair started - along with a run to the final, during which they defeated Brazil and Italy among others - two teams I have never really ever liked. Only for the run to be ended by a ridiculous referee in the final. A false penalty given, and Argentina and Maradona were condemned to finish second. But I knew who were my number one.
The love story has endured over the past 20 years now, and it has been a source of more sorrow than joy. Second round in 1994, quarter final in 1998 and 2006, while failure to reach the second round in 2002 are not just the results you expect from the Argentines. Which is why I believe the time has come for payback. Messi and co., you owe me that much for supporting you through thick and thin. All you need to do is to win the World Cup. Beating Brazil and Italy again in the process would be just a bonus.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Confessions. And News.
It was the first semester of IIT. Actually the start of the second semester. I had gone to collect my first semester grade sheet from my course adviser. I had managed an average, not-too-flashy-but-not-too-bad SGPA/CGPA of 6.6. (This was to prove to be the highest SGPA I ever scored, a fact I did not know at that point of time, but that is another story). Which was kind of uplifting, and kind of depressing. Uplifting because I had not put in much effort during this first semester, and depressing because my pre-major totals (PMTs) had been among the top quarter of my class, and hence a GPA of 7.5-8 did not seem too much away. Before I blew the majors, that is.
The course adviser is the professor who is supposed to monitor your academic performance, and counsel you on your courses. My course adviser was the coolest professor in the campus. Imagine WG Grace shrinking to 5'6" and a 100 kilos. That was my course adviser. He had a long grey unkempt beard, a round belly, and teeth that had been spoiled from long years of smoking. He was not even 60, but he looked 80. He used to enjoy his smoke, and smelled of cigarette too. What really set him apart was his open buttoned shirt, which exposed his white vest more often than not. When he talked, words seemed to get caught in his WG Grace-ish beard, and you really had to pay close attention when he was speaking to understand him. But it was a treat to talk to him. For, he was one of the smartest persons I have met, and one-on-one discussions with him were like embarking on a river of philosophy and electrical engineering. Not like I did follow the second path much. Me being me. I totally respected him, and my respect for him only grew when an accidental browsing through the history of his office's computer took me and the other students to literotica.com. :D
So well, I was there with the professor. He had not really offered any radical advice to anyone else. He looked at my grade sheet, and said "6.6 - that is not really good enough." Then he smiled showing his crooked teeth, and said the words which have haunted me ever since, "You should quit IIT." I was stunned, and asked him why. To which his answer was something on the lines of I would not be able to do well here. And when enquired upon why he thought so, he told me, "Because you have to really work hard in IIT, and I do not think you will be able to do that." And I said, "Then what should I do". And he replied, almost nonchalantly, smiling at me, "You have cleared JEE, the toughest exam in the world. You can make money in anything you do. Join Politics, and you will make money there. Just quit IIT." And I said I would think about it, but in my heart I knew, I did not have the guts to give it all away, the future that an IIT degree promised.
And so I stayed. I flunked some courses, and did badly in others, but even my bad results could not motivate me to work harder on my studies. Having had it easy in my academic life beforehand, I believed just my ingrained academic ability will be able to carry me through. However, in academics, unlike arts/sports, pure talent is nothing unless corroborated by hard work. The fact that my talent for learning counted for nothing in my courses made me hate them even more. My CGPA feel from 6.6 to 5.75 within the course of the four years. On the other hand, I worked hard, really hard in other aspects of hostel life. But those required a right-brained talent, while I was more left-brained. So I ended up caught up somewhere in between. A low GPA, an above average but not dazzling co-curriculars. And just realised that I had made a mistake not leaving IIT when I could easily have. My life was going nowhere, and I thought of a bleak future.
And then I took CAT. The exam was easily crackable (to use a popular Joka term), and it inculcated a feeling in me that management degree, finally, would have courses that asked for more inborn talent than hard work. Either you are a born manager/leader or you are not, I thought. And I could not have been wrong. The realization that I had made a second successive mistake, depressed me. My grades again suffered, and the depression also made me quit pursuing other co-curricular activities. I had a low GPA, and I did not have anything else to show during my two year stay. I was also too much of a pussy to quit, even though I knew nothing was going my way. The future promised too much. I was royally screwed, and was actually wondering about what to do.
When this interview for my current job happened. It passed by a haze because I was drunk, but by the end of it, I was able to crack it because of my potential than anything else. And so I thought maybe consulting and my job would be where I might be able to pass through with my potential than an over reliance on hard working, something I have never been able to do, and now I am confirmed, I will never be able to do. I was getting some decent money and the future looked great. But I was wrong again, and after an initial honeymoon period, I realised I was going nowhere in my job, just like my IIT and IIM experiences, and it was because I could not really work hard.
But, this time I am not being a pussy for a change. I am quitting, and I am telling it to everyone. I will do something I like from now on, and which maximizes my potential. And which does not involve too much hard work. Dear Course Adviser Sir, may you be happy. It has come eight and a half years too late, but it has come as a result of your talk that day. Fuck the hopes of a better future. It is the present that matters. And I am happier now, than I have been in the past nine years. Quitting is a nice feeling.
K to consulting and to IITs and IIMs and their "easy, non-related to the courses" selection processes.
All I wanna do is analyse random data and analyse it to come up with arbit frameworks. Or maybe join politics, and aid parties with data analytics. Or maybe just write random articles on business. Please follow this space for more.
The course adviser is the professor who is supposed to monitor your academic performance, and counsel you on your courses. My course adviser was the coolest professor in the campus. Imagine WG Grace shrinking to 5'6" and a 100 kilos. That was my course adviser. He had a long grey unkempt beard, a round belly, and teeth that had been spoiled from long years of smoking. He was not even 60, but he looked 80. He used to enjoy his smoke, and smelled of cigarette too. What really set him apart was his open buttoned shirt, which exposed his white vest more often than not. When he talked, words seemed to get caught in his WG Grace-ish beard, and you really had to pay close attention when he was speaking to understand him. But it was a treat to talk to him. For, he was one of the smartest persons I have met, and one-on-one discussions with him were like embarking on a river of philosophy and electrical engineering. Not like I did follow the second path much. Me being me. I totally respected him, and my respect for him only grew when an accidental browsing through the history of his office's computer took me and the other students to literotica.com. :D
So well, I was there with the professor. He had not really offered any radical advice to anyone else. He looked at my grade sheet, and said "6.6 - that is not really good enough." Then he smiled showing his crooked teeth, and said the words which have haunted me ever since, "You should quit IIT." I was stunned, and asked him why. To which his answer was something on the lines of I would not be able to do well here. And when enquired upon why he thought so, he told me, "Because you have to really work hard in IIT, and I do not think you will be able to do that." And I said, "Then what should I do". And he replied, almost nonchalantly, smiling at me, "You have cleared JEE, the toughest exam in the world. You can make money in anything you do. Join Politics, and you will make money there. Just quit IIT." And I said I would think about it, but in my heart I knew, I did not have the guts to give it all away, the future that an IIT degree promised.
And so I stayed. I flunked some courses, and did badly in others, but even my bad results could not motivate me to work harder on my studies. Having had it easy in my academic life beforehand, I believed just my ingrained academic ability will be able to carry me through. However, in academics, unlike arts/sports, pure talent is nothing unless corroborated by hard work. The fact that my talent for learning counted for nothing in my courses made me hate them even more. My CGPA feel from 6.6 to 5.75 within the course of the four years. On the other hand, I worked hard, really hard in other aspects of hostel life. But those required a right-brained talent, while I was more left-brained. So I ended up caught up somewhere in between. A low GPA, an above average but not dazzling co-curriculars. And just realised that I had made a mistake not leaving IIT when I could easily have. My life was going nowhere, and I thought of a bleak future.
And then I took CAT. The exam was easily crackable (to use a popular Joka term), and it inculcated a feeling in me that management degree, finally, would have courses that asked for more inborn talent than hard work. Either you are a born manager/leader or you are not, I thought. And I could not have been wrong. The realization that I had made a second successive mistake, depressed me. My grades again suffered, and the depression also made me quit pursuing other co-curricular activities. I had a low GPA, and I did not have anything else to show during my two year stay. I was also too much of a pussy to quit, even though I knew nothing was going my way. The future promised too much. I was royally screwed, and was actually wondering about what to do.
When this interview for my current job happened. It passed by a haze because I was drunk, but by the end of it, I was able to crack it because of my potential than anything else. And so I thought maybe consulting and my job would be where I might be able to pass through with my potential than an over reliance on hard working, something I have never been able to do, and now I am confirmed, I will never be able to do. I was getting some decent money and the future looked great. But I was wrong again, and after an initial honeymoon period, I realised I was going nowhere in my job, just like my IIT and IIM experiences, and it was because I could not really work hard.
But, this time I am not being a pussy for a change. I am quitting, and I am telling it to everyone. I will do something I like from now on, and which maximizes my potential. And which does not involve too much hard work. Dear Course Adviser Sir, may you be happy. It has come eight and a half years too late, but it has come as a result of your talk that day. Fuck the hopes of a better future. It is the present that matters. And I am happier now, than I have been in the past nine years. Quitting is a nice feeling.
K to consulting and to IITs and IIMs and their "easy, non-related to the courses" selection processes.
All I wanna do is analyse random data and analyse it to come up with arbit frameworks. Or maybe join politics, and aid parties with data analytics. Or maybe just write random articles on business. Please follow this space for more.
Monday, April 19, 2010
The SZ matrix of life
The Consulting Hypothesis: And then there is this thing called life. Science has not been able to define it yet, (or had not when I last studied biology, which arguably was 12 years ago), but being a consultant, there is nothing I cannot do, and hence I will undertake to define life.
Moreover, being a consultant, as I can never do anything really useful, except confusing my audiences and clients with complex "strategic frameworks" in 2-d graphs or 3-d matrices, I will describe a new framework.
The SZ Matrix of Life: Imagine, my dear readers, a 3-d space. (A 3-d space, for those of you mathematically naive, is a three dimensional space. It is what you see. The height, breadth and width - which can also be said to be the three axis of the space). Now imagine the three axis of this 3-d space to be professional life, personal life and the social life (the x,y and z axis respectively, represented as (x,y,z) from now on). We call this space, for want of a better name, the SZ matrix of life, in honour of the two men who came up with this matrix, one being yours truly and the other, my co-consultant in the latest "consulting" project I am doing. But more of the "consulting" project we are doing later.
For now, more gyaan on the three axis which make up this matrix:
Professional Life: Consists of your work life. You know, the quality of work, the amount of money you earn and other such things.
Personal Life:The so-called important part. Includes your family, relatives, and your significant others. Includes The people you are supposedly closest to, and your relationship with them.
Social Life: Your social life. Consists of your friendships, your social networks, and generally everything not covered in the first two axis. Such as your tennis club. Or the book reading group you are a part of.
The SISO method: Now that we are clear on what the axis are, here is a little exercise for you. In consulting, we call it the workshop method. I call it the SISO method. Which is short for Shit In Shit Out. So, its basically you giving me ideas, and I presenting it back to you with some shitty analysis thrown in. Sounds interesting, right? So lets get into the exercise head-on.
Ideation: Imagine your life on this framework, and give yourself a rating between (0,10) on the three axis. About how you think your life is heading in each direction. And how good you think is each aspect of your life turning out to be. A higher rating means a better quality of life parameter. So if you think you are doing great in your professional life, but your personal life is only half perfect, while your social life is non-existant, give yourself a rating of (10,5,0). Doing this, give yourself a rating of (x1,y1,z1) for the current state in your life. This is your SZ matrix coordinates. Keep them ready with you for the time being.
Weights (for stronger analysis) (SI): Now, just to make things more confusing (in consulting terms, to make the analysis more "holistic"), please assign your own weights to the three axis. Now assigning weights is a slightly tricky task, so please read carefully. Your weights should be indicative of the relative importance you give to the three axis, and the sum of the three weights should equal 1. Not less, not more, but absolutely 1. Moreover, none of the weights should be less than 0 (or more than 1). So if your three weights are w1,w2,w3 for the x,y and z axis respectively, then w1,w2,w3 should fulfil the following two conditions:
1>= w1,w2,w3 >= 0;
w1+w2+w3 = 1;
Examples: For example, Chatur will give weights of (0.8,0.2,0) or (0.9,0.1,0) or (1,0,0) while Rancho will give weights of (0,0.2,0.8)or (0,0,1) while Hari will give weights of (0.1,0.8,0.1) - depending on their preferences for glory in different fields. Please note in each case, the weights add up to one, and while weights can be 0 or 1, they cannot be negative or greater than 1. So please have the (w1,w2,w3) ready as well.
The calculations: Now comes the hard part. You need to calculate your SZ matrix of life score which is given by the following mathematical equation : SZ matrix of life score = {w1*(x1)^2+ w2*(x2)^2+ w3*(x3)^2}^(1/2) (For the mathematically inclined, this is the weighted distance formula. For the mathematically naive, well I don't believe anyone of you has actually cared to read till here anyways, so forget it). As a check, your SZ matrix of life score should be between 0 and 10. Both inclusive.
Special Analysis (SO): So now that you have a SZ matrix of life score between 0 and 10, our special consulting team (me) will tell you what to do with your life.
Score of 0: Are you even alive? The good news for you is that you are absolutely rock bottom, and you cannot go much deeper, even if you tried digging. The bad news is that you are rock bottom. You really don't have anything going for you, and I am just wondering what you are doing reading this. Get off my blog fast!!!
Score of (0-2.5): Is your life worth it, you often wonder? There is not much right going on with it, and you are often depressed. A failed love affair perhaps, or a really, really bad job can be key elements. Or maybe both. Add to that the fact that you have no real friends, right?
Score of [2.5-5): Not the most ideal place to be, but you could do worse, and probably will over time. You are not a very happy person inside, but you complain about most things, though nothing is really wrong with your life. You should also look at the analysis of the previous scoring bracket, because that is where you will fall in some years if you do not start getting happy with what you have.
Score of [5-7.5): Life could be better, but you are doing fine with what it is. Over time, your life will improve. Or so you hope. And that thought is what keeps you happy. Good going.
Score of [7.5-10): Life is great! And will continue being so. While not perfect, your life has all the elements of a well-paid and down to earth rockstar. What else can a person ask for?
Score of 10: Are you a living person? You are totally contented, and have nothing to look forward to in life. You are like the Indian hero at the end of a movie, who lives happily ever after. The only bad news for you is your life might seem useless from this time on, because you have already reached the top and there is no way to go but down. Get off my blog, before I become totally jealous of you. And your life.
Further Reading and Recommendations: The SZ matrix of life scale is time dependent, and you should always look to maximize your score on the SZ matrix of life. Whenever taking a decision which affects any of the three axis or more than one axis, compare your current score with your proposed score, and only go ahead if your SZ matrix of life score increases. Further research on the SZ matrix is being conducted, and results are not yet conducive.
For further queries, please respond on the comments section below, and the author will get back to you. Individual consultancy, based on your exact score, are also available.
Disclaimer: The author, like all consulting firms, is not responsible for any decision you take and any losses you suffer based on my recommendations. These are just guidelines, and finally you should only do what your mind tells you. Especially if it is a sick, demented mind. Because you do need to blame someone for your decisions, but consultants are always blemish free.
Moreover, being a consultant, as I can never do anything really useful, except confusing my audiences and clients with complex "strategic frameworks" in 2-d graphs or 3-d matrices, I will describe a new framework.
The SZ Matrix of Life: Imagine, my dear readers, a 3-d space. (A 3-d space, for those of you mathematically naive, is a three dimensional space. It is what you see. The height, breadth and width - which can also be said to be the three axis of the space). Now imagine the three axis of this 3-d space to be professional life, personal life and the social life (the x,y and z axis respectively, represented as (x,y,z) from now on). We call this space, for want of a better name, the SZ matrix of life, in honour of the two men who came up with this matrix, one being yours truly and the other, my co-consultant in the latest "consulting" project I am doing. But more of the "consulting" project we are doing later.
For now, more gyaan on the three axis which make up this matrix:
Professional Life: Consists of your work life. You know, the quality of work, the amount of money you earn and other such things.
Personal Life:The so-called important part. Includes your family, relatives, and your significant others. Includes The people you are supposedly closest to, and your relationship with them.
Social Life: Your social life. Consists of your friendships, your social networks, and generally everything not covered in the first two axis. Such as your tennis club. Or the book reading group you are a part of.
The SISO method: Now that we are clear on what the axis are, here is a little exercise for you. In consulting, we call it the workshop method. I call it the SISO method. Which is short for Shit In Shit Out. So, its basically you giving me ideas, and I presenting it back to you with some shitty analysis thrown in. Sounds interesting, right? So lets get into the exercise head-on.
Ideation: Imagine your life on this framework, and give yourself a rating between (0,10) on the three axis. About how you think your life is heading in each direction. And how good you think is each aspect of your life turning out to be. A higher rating means a better quality of life parameter. So if you think you are doing great in your professional life, but your personal life is only half perfect, while your social life is non-existant, give yourself a rating of (10,5,0). Doing this, give yourself a rating of (x1,y1,z1) for the current state in your life. This is your SZ matrix coordinates. Keep them ready with you for the time being.
Weights (for stronger analysis) (SI): Now, just to make things more confusing (in consulting terms, to make the analysis more "holistic"), please assign your own weights to the three axis. Now assigning weights is a slightly tricky task, so please read carefully. Your weights should be indicative of the relative importance you give to the three axis, and the sum of the three weights should equal 1. Not less, not more, but absolutely 1. Moreover, none of the weights should be less than 0 (or more than 1). So if your three weights are w1,w2,w3 for the x,y and z axis respectively, then w1,w2,w3 should fulfil the following two conditions:
1>= w1,w2,w3 >= 0;
w1+w2+w3 = 1;
Examples: For example, Chatur will give weights of (0.8,0.2,0) or (0.9,0.1,0) or (1,0,0) while Rancho will give weights of (0,0.2,0.8)or (0,0,1) while Hari will give weights of (0.1,0.8,0.1) - depending on their preferences for glory in different fields. Please note in each case, the weights add up to one, and while weights can be 0 or 1, they cannot be negative or greater than 1. So please have the (w1,w2,w3) ready as well.
The calculations: Now comes the hard part. You need to calculate your SZ matrix of life score which is given by the following mathematical equation : SZ matrix of life score = {w1*(x1)^2+ w2*(x2)^2+ w3*(x3)^2}^(1/2) (For the mathematically inclined, this is the weighted distance formula. For the mathematically naive, well I don't believe anyone of you has actually cared to read till here anyways, so forget it). As a check, your SZ matrix of life score should be between 0 and 10. Both inclusive.
Special Analysis (SO): So now that you have a SZ matrix of life score between 0 and 10, our special consulting team (me) will tell you what to do with your life.
Score of 0: Are you even alive? The good news for you is that you are absolutely rock bottom, and you cannot go much deeper, even if you tried digging. The bad news is that you are rock bottom. You really don't have anything going for you, and I am just wondering what you are doing reading this. Get off my blog fast!!!
Score of (0-2.5): Is your life worth it, you often wonder? There is not much right going on with it, and you are often depressed. A failed love affair perhaps, or a really, really bad job can be key elements. Or maybe both. Add to that the fact that you have no real friends, right?
Score of [2.5-5): Not the most ideal place to be, but you could do worse, and probably will over time. You are not a very happy person inside, but you complain about most things, though nothing is really wrong with your life. You should also look at the analysis of the previous scoring bracket, because that is where you will fall in some years if you do not start getting happy with what you have.
Score of [5-7.5): Life could be better, but you are doing fine with what it is. Over time, your life will improve. Or so you hope. And that thought is what keeps you happy. Good going.
Score of [7.5-10): Life is great! And will continue being so. While not perfect, your life has all the elements of a well-paid and down to earth rockstar. What else can a person ask for?
Score of 10: Are you a living person? You are totally contented, and have nothing to look forward to in life. You are like the Indian hero at the end of a movie, who lives happily ever after. The only bad news for you is your life might seem useless from this time on, because you have already reached the top and there is no way to go but down. Get off my blog, before I become totally jealous of you. And your life.
Further Reading and Recommendations: The SZ matrix of life scale is time dependent, and you should always look to maximize your score on the SZ matrix of life. Whenever taking a decision which affects any of the three axis or more than one axis, compare your current score with your proposed score, and only go ahead if your SZ matrix of life score increases. Further research on the SZ matrix is being conducted, and results are not yet conducive.
For further queries, please respond on the comments section below, and the author will get back to you. Individual consultancy, based on your exact score, are also available.
Disclaimer: The author, like all consulting firms, is not responsible for any decision you take and any losses you suffer based on my recommendations. These are just guidelines, and finally you should only do what your mind tells you. Especially if it is a sick, demented mind. Because you do need to blame someone for your decisions, but consultants are always blemish free.
Wednesday, April 07, 2010
Mind Fuck and other stories
1. The Shock: "Help! Help! Help" he shouted, as the 440 V current flowed through his body. He was stuck to the overhead electrical cables above his house. On the roof. He did not remember how. But he knew he was fixed to the cables, and he knew it was not a nice position to be in. His entire life flashed between his eyes for what seemed like an eternity. He felt pain like he had never experienced. It was as if his entire body was forced to act under some huge pressure. He could see the people below, working in the field, oblivious to his state, and not responding to his loud cries of help. Over what seemed liked ages. His eyes went blank for an instant, and then,a thousand images and a thousand colours, colours he had never imagined before, and did not know existed, filled his eyes, as he felt pain he had never experienced before.But he could see other shapes around him, much nearer. He could almost hear them as well, calling out to him. And he wanted to reach out to those shapes around him but he could not, for he was fixed to the wires. And he soon found a strange He thought, "so this is what death feels like. Strange I don't feel anything, except pain".
He woke up in the hospital, and remembered. He remembered seeing himself hanging from the cables and shaking, the woman in the fields raising a shout for help, his neighbours coming up to the roof to remove him from the wire. His mom standing stunned seeing him hanging. The neighbours using the dry sticks to remove him. He remembered seeing it all. And then he rose from the bed. After what seemed like ages. But it was only an hour since he had "died". What had happened had not killed him, but it had him shaken. And stirred, if you like.
2. The Suicide: So life had to end like this, he thought. A large dose of some anti-depressants had to do the trick. He was tired of his lonesome and generally boring life. He had just decided he had made the worst of his life, and that there was no way out of this misery. Things had just gone from bad to worse. Or so he thought. He had been lonely during childhood too, but much happier, often inventing games out of nothing. He had innovated playing book cricket, for example. He also predicted results of the cricket and football world cups through playing random games. In school, however, he was an extrovert. And generally popular, through participation in whatever little activities his school organized. Despite his extroversion, there were times when he needed to be alone. And just play his self invented games. And then the shock happened. And the dark thoughts started appearing, as he left school to enter college.
And the participation, enthusiasm and the popularity continued in college. However, the need to be alone at times also stayed, and it was in college, that at first the dark thoughts came to him. Why did his parents, relatives and his friends loved him, he wondered, when he was such a good-for-nothing guy? Did they have some hidden agenda for loving him, or did they just showed they loved him? Such thoughts clouded his reasoning. His thoughts about people, about the world generally turned grey. They taunted him, and he started believing them. He knew he was a nice guy, but the thoughts told him he was not. He started feeling guilty for not being as good a guy as he claimed he was, and the more he thought about it, the worse it became. His thoughts when he was alone turned more and more evil, and the blacker his thoughts became, the worse it became for him. The persistently happy person then started turning sadder, and consequently his attitude towards people, which used to be very welcoming earlier, took a 180 degree turn. He started hating people, and people generally started avoiding him. Which made him feel worse. And depressed. His grades at college suffered, and he flunked many courses. This made him question the meaning of the life, universe and everything. And the more he thought about it, the more he became certain that life was not worth living.
And so he met a shrink, to give life a last chance. However, all he got from the shrink was a subscription. To different anti-depressants. He got a full month's supply, and had his first daily dose. It didn't seem to help. He had another. Long before, he had the entire month's supplies down his throat. And he was waiting to die. And laughing about it.
He closed his eyes, and saw himself lying on the bed. Eyes closed. And he saw the shapes again calling out to him. And he moved out, towards the shapes. He could pass through the door he realized. He could do whatever he wanted. He felt, so I am finally dead now. He could not remember anything after this. Except that he woke up one day later. After vomiting all over the bed. He had been unable to die, once again.
3. Mind Fuck: "And the funny thing is," he wondered, "is that 99% people will donate their right hand to be where I have been. A well paying job. Degrees in B.Tech and MBA from the best colleges in the country. A constant adoration from everyone in the family for being among the most educated. A large group of friends. Trips to China, US, and Western Europe. And still I am like this." He had managed to overcome his depression in the ensuing years mainly through his decision to be happy, and take things as they come. And have his share of fun, which included drinking binges every weekend. And sometimes get really high. Live life like a rock star - with lesser money and no girls that is - and generally not taking tension about anything. But this job had changed it all. Working till 2 am on most days had meant absolutely no time for other pursuits. And he started feeling that his work was useless, and he hated his job. And wondered, how life had come to this.
He was feeling absolutely useless about himself. His job gave him no satisfaction. His personal life gave him no instant satisfaction. Alcohol and ganja also seemed to lose their charm. And his mind again started playing games on him. The shock kept coming back to haunt him. He imagined walking through the world, vibrating and shaking and feeling the electrical current running through his body. He even imagined himself as Kalki out to save the world. His mind was twisted, as he failed to reason between reality and imagination. Once in office, he imagining himself as Kalki had hit a senior with a pen which acted as a sword, hurting his eye. He was given a sabbatical after that, to try and regroup himself, and cure himself, but the long hours at home alone, only made his condition worse.
He was shown to many doctors but none could cure him. He was sent to a mental asylum where he just managed to aggravate himself further. He was now acting like Kalki and moved around as if he was riding the white horse. And fought imaginary enemies, even hurting many people in the process. And one day, fighting the demons, he imagined he had been hit by a sword, and it was a fatal blow. He just would not get up after that. And as he closed his eyes, he could see the shapes, again. They had finally come to get him this time. And he moved out towards the shapes, but this time there was no going back. He had cheated death many times. It was death's turn to cheat him now.
He woke up in the hospital, and remembered. He remembered seeing himself hanging from the cables and shaking, the woman in the fields raising a shout for help, his neighbours coming up to the roof to remove him from the wire. His mom standing stunned seeing him hanging. The neighbours using the dry sticks to remove him. He remembered seeing it all. And then he rose from the bed. After what seemed like ages. But it was only an hour since he had "died". What had happened had not killed him, but it had him shaken. And stirred, if you like.
2. The Suicide: So life had to end like this, he thought. A large dose of some anti-depressants had to do the trick. He was tired of his lonesome and generally boring life. He had just decided he had made the worst of his life, and that there was no way out of this misery. Things had just gone from bad to worse. Or so he thought. He had been lonely during childhood too, but much happier, often inventing games out of nothing. He had innovated playing book cricket, for example. He also predicted results of the cricket and football world cups through playing random games. In school, however, he was an extrovert. And generally popular, through participation in whatever little activities his school organized. Despite his extroversion, there were times when he needed to be alone. And just play his self invented games. And then the shock happened. And the dark thoughts started appearing, as he left school to enter college.
And the participation, enthusiasm and the popularity continued in college. However, the need to be alone at times also stayed, and it was in college, that at first the dark thoughts came to him. Why did his parents, relatives and his friends loved him, he wondered, when he was such a good-for-nothing guy? Did they have some hidden agenda for loving him, or did they just showed they loved him? Such thoughts clouded his reasoning. His thoughts about people, about the world generally turned grey. They taunted him, and he started believing them. He knew he was a nice guy, but the thoughts told him he was not. He started feeling guilty for not being as good a guy as he claimed he was, and the more he thought about it, the worse it became. His thoughts when he was alone turned more and more evil, and the blacker his thoughts became, the worse it became for him. The persistently happy person then started turning sadder, and consequently his attitude towards people, which used to be very welcoming earlier, took a 180 degree turn. He started hating people, and people generally started avoiding him. Which made him feel worse. And depressed. His grades at college suffered, and he flunked many courses. This made him question the meaning of the life, universe and everything. And the more he thought about it, the more he became certain that life was not worth living.
And so he met a shrink, to give life a last chance. However, all he got from the shrink was a subscription. To different anti-depressants. He got a full month's supply, and had his first daily dose. It didn't seem to help. He had another. Long before, he had the entire month's supplies down his throat. And he was waiting to die. And laughing about it.
He closed his eyes, and saw himself lying on the bed. Eyes closed. And he saw the shapes again calling out to him. And he moved out, towards the shapes. He could pass through the door he realized. He could do whatever he wanted. He felt, so I am finally dead now. He could not remember anything after this. Except that he woke up one day later. After vomiting all over the bed. He had been unable to die, once again.
3. Mind Fuck: "And the funny thing is," he wondered, "is that 99% people will donate their right hand to be where I have been. A well paying job. Degrees in B.Tech and MBA from the best colleges in the country. A constant adoration from everyone in the family for being among the most educated. A large group of friends. Trips to China, US, and Western Europe. And still I am like this." He had managed to overcome his depression in the ensuing years mainly through his decision to be happy, and take things as they come. And have his share of fun, which included drinking binges every weekend. And sometimes get really high. Live life like a rock star - with lesser money and no girls that is - and generally not taking tension about anything. But this job had changed it all. Working till 2 am on most days had meant absolutely no time for other pursuits. And he started feeling that his work was useless, and he hated his job. And wondered, how life had come to this.
He was feeling absolutely useless about himself. His job gave him no satisfaction. His personal life gave him no instant satisfaction. Alcohol and ganja also seemed to lose their charm. And his mind again started playing games on him. The shock kept coming back to haunt him. He imagined walking through the world, vibrating and shaking and feeling the electrical current running through his body. He even imagined himself as Kalki out to save the world. His mind was twisted, as he failed to reason between reality and imagination. Once in office, he imagining himself as Kalki had hit a senior with a pen which acted as a sword, hurting his eye. He was given a sabbatical after that, to try and regroup himself, and cure himself, but the long hours at home alone, only made his condition worse.
He was shown to many doctors but none could cure him. He was sent to a mental asylum where he just managed to aggravate himself further. He was now acting like Kalki and moved around as if he was riding the white horse. And fought imaginary enemies, even hurting many people in the process. And one day, fighting the demons, he imagined he had been hit by a sword, and it was a fatal blow. He just would not get up after that. And as he closed his eyes, he could see the shapes, again. They had finally come to get him this time. And he moved out towards the shapes, but this time there was no going back. He had cheated death many times. It was death's turn to cheat him now.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Tonight
Tonight is a special night. And pretty boring. For tonight is the first Friday night in a long long time that I am not in Howzzat/TC/Beer Island/HRC/Machan sipping alcohol. Make it guzzling alcohol. Moreover, I have been "clean" for this entire week (which must be another personal record), and hence can think more clearly that I have on other Friday nights. I can already feel the blood in my alcohol system reach new high levels. Which makes it a good time to introspect/retrospect, and to write this blog.
The past two years have passed like a daze, as did the Joka years. IITD, which at that time was a lot of fun, also seems to be full of hazy memories now. And I do not remember much from DAV college, or from school days. Which, simply put, means I have no memories. Or even if I do, I only have hazy memories. People recount incidents involving me which I just don't remember. I do remember some important events like the Fuchcha skit, the Flash Gordon Trophy, the Political Dharna in PU and the Aero Quiz, but I do not remember them entirely. How did it feel to perform on the Fachcha skit? How was it to judge the greatest final ever? It must have been great then, but now I am unable to remember those events with fondness, or feel good about them. I have lost a lot of my memories, and the one I do have, I have lost all feelings for them. After much coercion, I am able to remember, for example, the Ganguly shirt removing act that our entire Kara batch did after our juniors won the Fuchcha music event. I force myself to remember it was great, but it is not something I feel good about now all these years later. Or when we won all those trophies on House Day. It felt so good back then, but now those memories are unable to inspire me. All my happiness has been very momentarily and I have been unable to carry forward happy memories with me. On the flip side though, I also dont remember the really painful incidents as well.
Probably its the alcohol that has killed a part of the brain. Or maybe I have become completely detached from everything around, and hence feel no pleasure - or pain. Or maybe my feelings have just died, for the only feeling I get nowadays is one of frustration. Frustration at how I have made the worst of what I had. I have almost no social life, I suck at my work, and I have no prospects of growth - personally and professionally. And I have accepted it. Which brings me great calm. Except that the frustration comes out when I start thinking. Which is not much nowadays anyways. SO life is good. And happy. In a way.
The past two years have passed like a daze, as did the Joka years. IITD, which at that time was a lot of fun, also seems to be full of hazy memories now. And I do not remember much from DAV college, or from school days. Which, simply put, means I have no memories. Or even if I do, I only have hazy memories. People recount incidents involving me which I just don't remember. I do remember some important events like the Fuchcha skit, the Flash Gordon Trophy, the Political Dharna in PU and the Aero Quiz, but I do not remember them entirely. How did it feel to perform on the Fachcha skit? How was it to judge the greatest final ever? It must have been great then, but now I am unable to remember those events with fondness, or feel good about them. I have lost a lot of my memories, and the one I do have, I have lost all feelings for them. After much coercion, I am able to remember, for example, the Ganguly shirt removing act that our entire Kara batch did after our juniors won the Fuchcha music event. I force myself to remember it was great, but it is not something I feel good about now all these years later. Or when we won all those trophies on House Day. It felt so good back then, but now those memories are unable to inspire me. All my happiness has been very momentarily and I have been unable to carry forward happy memories with me. On the flip side though, I also dont remember the really painful incidents as well.
Probably its the alcohol that has killed a part of the brain. Or maybe I have become completely detached from everything around, and hence feel no pleasure - or pain. Or maybe my feelings have just died, for the only feeling I get nowadays is one of frustration. Frustration at how I have made the worst of what I had. I have almost no social life, I suck at my work, and I have no prospects of growth - personally and professionally. And I have accepted it. Which brings me great calm. Except that the frustration comes out when I start thinking. Which is not much nowadays anyways. SO life is good. And happy. In a way.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
The Ballad of John and Mojo
And as another lonely Valentine's day goes past,
John is all alone, wishing this one alone would be the last.
He will find someone special, and all will be well,
by next year, and the year hence, we will hear the wedding bell
His mojo though is not so patient, and soon encounters John,
"What are you doing with me, Sir, and why am I a victim of your con?
You - and I - are already touching thirty, and all my friends make fun of me,
I havent had my fair share of women, and a worst thing for my confidence couldn't be"
John tries to console his mojo, as he has consoled his brain,
"There is a special one, somewhere, and let me make it plain,
I am going to find her this year, and the next Valentine's day,
I will not be alone then, and Mr. Mojo, you will then have your way"
"But, that is what you have been telling me for the last ten years,
and its been a long time coming, and now its too much to bear,
I want a woman and I want her soon - I don't understand why are you like that,
when most of your friends are making love, what makes you so alone and aghast?"
John ponders for a while, about an issue he has tried hard to skirt
"I don't really know, Mr. Mojo, but I think its because I cant flirt,
And even if I like a girl, I am unable to put up a decent propose,
for I have a strong inferiority complex, and think I will lose."
His mojo tries to give him hope, and make him see reason,
"Come on Mr. John, don't you be so pessimistic, for you are a man of all seasons,
You are intelligent, and caring, and can talk pretty well - and girls like that,
While you are also pretty rich and your only fault is that you are a bit fat"
John says, "Yes I guess that is true, but I am also maybe a little too proud
And if I love a girl, she should like me too, otherwise there is always some doubt,
I am not ready to fall in love, and then take the sack
because the pain is too much to take, and that is what keeps me back"
"But, Mr. John, this is no reason for me to suffer, and feel bad
there are places like Amsterdam and Bangkok for me to be glad,
So lets go there, and relive Amsterdam of two years back,
Enjoy with the girls there - without any fear of a sack."
And so John decided, on that fateful Valentines day,
that to every girl he is interested in, "I love you" would he say,
or if that would not work, and if girls would still keep him in the dark clouds,
he would like to take a trip to Amsterdam and Bangkok and make Mr. Mojo proud.
John is all alone, wishing this one alone would be the last.
He will find someone special, and all will be well,
by next year, and the year hence, we will hear the wedding bell
His mojo though is not so patient, and soon encounters John,
"What are you doing with me, Sir, and why am I a victim of your con?
You - and I - are already touching thirty, and all my friends make fun of me,
I havent had my fair share of women, and a worst thing for my confidence couldn't be"
John tries to console his mojo, as he has consoled his brain,
"There is a special one, somewhere, and let me make it plain,
I am going to find her this year, and the next Valentine's day,
I will not be alone then, and Mr. Mojo, you will then have your way"
"But, that is what you have been telling me for the last ten years,
and its been a long time coming, and now its too much to bear,
I want a woman and I want her soon - I don't understand why are you like that,
when most of your friends are making love, what makes you so alone and aghast?"
John ponders for a while, about an issue he has tried hard to skirt
"I don't really know, Mr. Mojo, but I think its because I cant flirt,
And even if I like a girl, I am unable to put up a decent propose,
for I have a strong inferiority complex, and think I will lose."
His mojo tries to give him hope, and make him see reason,
"Come on Mr. John, don't you be so pessimistic, for you are a man of all seasons,
You are intelligent, and caring, and can talk pretty well - and girls like that,
While you are also pretty rich and your only fault is that you are a bit fat"
John says, "Yes I guess that is true, but I am also maybe a little too proud
And if I love a girl, she should like me too, otherwise there is always some doubt,
I am not ready to fall in love, and then take the sack
because the pain is too much to take, and that is what keeps me back"
"But, Mr. John, this is no reason for me to suffer, and feel bad
there are places like Amsterdam and Bangkok for me to be glad,
So lets go there, and relive Amsterdam of two years back,
Enjoy with the girls there - without any fear of a sack."
And so John decided, on that fateful Valentines day,
that to every girl he is interested in, "I love you" would he say,
or if that would not work, and if girls would still keep him in the dark clouds,
he would like to take a trip to Amsterdam and Bangkok and make Mr. Mojo proud.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Of the left brain of the right brained people and vice versa
1) I am a right brained person, according to the test I took at a training at my company. It was a pretty useless test, if you ask me, because the test only checked what I liked to do, and not what I am good at. Those two are entirely different things although people often confuse them as similar. I like doing the right brained stuff but I am good at the left brained stuff. So what am I?
2) The 3 Idiots, which is entertainment mixed with a lot of gyaan - a LOT of gyaan, which killed it for me - gave fundaes about finding your true calling in life. Now what exactly does it mean by "the true calling in life?" Is it the thing you genuinely like doing the most or the thing you are the best at? The movie, while being good, is definitely not a masterpiece, and after a Hirani classic like Lagre Raho Munnabhai you are actually let down. Moreover, the way that it has looked down on achievers and praised the under-achievers is actually pretty naive. And ignorant of some basic facts about under-achievers. And the irony is, the movie is more appreciated by the achievers and those who were not meant to achieve :). But more rant about the movie later.
3) I owe a lot to the left part of my brain, and that is what actually made me graduate from the best colleges in the country. And everything I am today - which is not much, I have to admit - is because of the left part of my brain. Infact, the right part of my brain is responsible for my poor showing at both IIT and IIM. I could have probably topped there too if I really wanted to and allowed my left part of the brain to take over. But then again, it is the right part of the brain which really makes me happy- and there is nothing I can do about it. So while I do have the potential to be a Rancho or a Chatur, my right brain and my quest for following my dreams has made me a Farhan - or a Hari - or whatever the name of those two losers in 3Idiots was. But it has also made me happy, happy than I ever could be by being a topper or anything. And this is where 3 Idiots fails for me - a character representing me.
4) Remembered the venn diagram representation of the ideal job (Courtesy: Bud Cadell). Imagine three venn circles representing work you like to do, work you are good at and work that pays good money. See the diagram below. This is a great way to reflect on your work and are you doing what you are actually doing in your life. And what should you do to be really happy.
I tried putting my own perspective on the venn diagram and the results were not positive. These were the results
a) My current job was probably outside the Venn Diagram: I am not very good at it, I definitely don't like it much and it does not pay good money. Well, it pays okay but not good money.
b) The work I was good at was mostly left brained things like number crunching, quantitative analysis, qualitative analysis etc etc while the things I liked doing were creative writing, chattering aimlessly, playing sports, doing plays, and the like. Almost a certain mismatch between the two. Except probably for solving probability puzzles and cryptic crosswords. But the best was thinking about what are the jobs that actually pay money. These skills include cock sucking and ass licking of your boss across the different industries. Whatever you do and your other skills become totally useless. So my venn diagram became the following.
And now I am totally confused. My left brained skills and my right brained passions have left me little choice, about what to do. The venn diagram leaves me with only the following options then:
a) Open a Sports Analytics Company
b) Go Around Philosophising
c) Become a Creative Writer
However, being a left brained person, I am also try being a bit practical. And that practical aspect of me is afraid to take the next big step. Of quitting the current job, and doing something I like. A step towards being happier. At work. :)
2) The 3 Idiots, which is entertainment mixed with a lot of gyaan - a LOT of gyaan, which killed it for me - gave fundaes about finding your true calling in life. Now what exactly does it mean by "the true calling in life?" Is it the thing you genuinely like doing the most or the thing you are the best at? The movie, while being good, is definitely not a masterpiece, and after a Hirani classic like Lagre Raho Munnabhai you are actually let down. Moreover, the way that it has looked down on achievers and praised the under-achievers is actually pretty naive. And ignorant of some basic facts about under-achievers. And the irony is, the movie is more appreciated by the achievers and those who were not meant to achieve :). But more rant about the movie later.
3) I owe a lot to the left part of my brain, and that is what actually made me graduate from the best colleges in the country. And everything I am today - which is not much, I have to admit - is because of the left part of my brain. Infact, the right part of my brain is responsible for my poor showing at both IIT and IIM. I could have probably topped there too if I really wanted to and allowed my left part of the brain to take over. But then again, it is the right part of the brain which really makes me happy- and there is nothing I can do about it. So while I do have the potential to be a Rancho or a Chatur, my right brain and my quest for following my dreams has made me a Farhan - or a Hari - or whatever the name of those two losers in 3Idiots was. But it has also made me happy, happy than I ever could be by being a topper or anything. And this is where 3 Idiots fails for me - a character representing me.
4) Remembered the venn diagram representation of the ideal job (Courtesy: Bud Cadell). Imagine three venn circles representing work you like to do, work you are good at and work that pays good money. See the diagram below. This is a great way to reflect on your work and are you doing what you are actually doing in your life. And what should you do to be really happy.
I tried putting my own perspective on the venn diagram and the results were not positive. These were the results
a) My current job was probably outside the Venn Diagram: I am not very good at it, I definitely don't like it much and it does not pay good money. Well, it pays okay but not good money.
b) The work I was good at was mostly left brained things like number crunching, quantitative analysis, qualitative analysis etc etc while the things I liked doing were creative writing, chattering aimlessly, playing sports, doing plays, and the like. Almost a certain mismatch between the two. Except probably for solving probability puzzles and cryptic crosswords. But the best was thinking about what are the jobs that actually pay money. These skills include cock sucking and ass licking of your boss across the different industries. Whatever you do and your other skills become totally useless. So my venn diagram became the following.
And now I am totally confused. My left brained skills and my right brained passions have left me little choice, about what to do. The venn diagram leaves me with only the following options then:
a) Open a Sports Analytics Company
b) Go Around Philosophising
c) Become a Creative Writer
However, being a left brained person, I am also try being a bit practical. And that practical aspect of me is afraid to take the next big step. Of quitting the current job, and doing something I like. A step towards being happier. At work. :)
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Mahabharat-12: The Bhima effect
The Mahabharat series returns after a 2-year hiatus. It will be nice if you could read the first 11 parts here to make some sense of this.
Shakuni : "So did you understand the plan?"
Duryodhana: Yes, mamaji, I did. But is it not wrong to do this?
Shakuni: What wrong? When he beats your brother isnt that wrong? Anyways all you are trying to do is to teach that insolent sob a lesson. You are the good guy here, remember that. You are trying to protect your brothers against the bully.
Duryodhana: I guess you are right, mamaji. Anyways we are only going to give him a long sleep, right, mamaji. But where do I get these sleeping pills from Mamaji?
Shakuni: Bhanje, you leave all those details to me. I will get made the tastiest food and shall add the sleeping pills to it. You just have to invite Bhima to eat it. And knowing him, I am sure he won't refuse. But make sure noone sees you make the invitation.
Duryodhana: I won't let you down, mamaji.
And off went Duryodhana.
Meanwhile, the Pandavas in their home were having fun discussing the various positions in the year end Kamasutra magazine, which Yudhistra, using his superior diplomatic skills, had managed to get away from uncle Vidura. Most of the positions were pretty acrobatic, and the rest of the Pandavas were making fun of Bhima, and how, considering his bulky nature, he would not be able to try the majority of them. And this drove Bhima mad - at his own brothers.
Bhima: I will make all of you suffer. You guys just wait. (And he rushes after Arjuna with a stick).
Yudishtra: Bhima, remember what Mom Kunti and Uncle Vidura told all of us. I am the eldest, and always right.
Yudishtra (being the elder brother who got scolded by Kunti if anyone fought among the Pandavas): Shaant, dandadhari Bhima, shaant!! Arjuna, apologise to your elder brother!
Arjuna: Sorry bhai!! (And see what dirty connotations of that simple statement did Bollywood come up with all these years later).
Nakul and Sahadeva: Sorry Bhai!!
Yudishtra: But Bhima must have his anger assauged. And we people should also learn a lesson not to be disrespectful to Bhima. So Sahadeva, being the youngest, should bear the brunt of Bhima's anger. Bhima, you can give a tight one of the stick to Sahadeva.
And Bhima obliges. But is still quite glum. And so Nakul too is sacrificed.
Nakul and Sahadeva are both clutching their bottoms at the end of it all, wondering what wrong did they do - they did not actually said anything and had only laughed at the jokes Arjuna and Yudishtra made.
Yudishtra (thinking): This will teach these sons of Madri a lesson. She was the one because of whom Dad is dead. And that will also teach them not to ever go against Bhima - and by extension, against me.
Bhima's anger has calmed down by now. And Arjuna and Yudishtra get scot free.
So Yudishtra tells Bhima to calm down and says, "But seriously Bhima, you need to do something about this fat body of yours. You have lost all your muscles now. All you have is fat. Even Mom Kunti had to hear jokes by aunt Gandhari and Uncle Dhritrashtra regarding your weight. You are just 13 now, what will happen when you reach 30, and more. I hate to think. So from tomorrow, I have told uncle Vidura to put you on a strict diet control. No more Aloo ke Parathe for you. All you can have are those Subway sandwiches."
Bhima: But bhaiya, that is so unfair.
Yudishtra: It is all for your good, you will realize. See Arjuna already has had three girlfriends, while you have none. Why do you think that is?
Bhima: That is because I am not interested in one. I am sure I can find myself hotter females who will be enamored by my muscles (showing his biceps) if I tried. Arjuna is ready to do whatever girls asks them to do. He tries a bit too hard, and some girls like that. On the other hand, I have too much dignity. And Bhaiya, even you never have had a girl friend. Why do you think that is?
Yudishtra: I am the eldest brother. This is no way to talk to your elder brother. I will go complain to Mom if you do not apologise.
Bhima: Okay I will! Sorry Bhai (Thinks: He is such a sissy)
Yudishtra (suddenly feeling the urge to press his advantage): And what Arjuna was joking about is right. You will have trouble to have even missionary sex with this huge belly of yours. What is your Body Mass Index? In hindsight, I think I will ask Uncle Vidura to change your Subway Diet to once-a-day Subway Diet. Don't look so glum brother. It is for your own benefit. So you can have good sex. (Thinking: Even Bhima should get good girls once he thins down a bit. Then, like with Arjuna, I can emotionally blackmail him too, and get to second base with his girlfriends as well. Too bad Arjuna has not gone all the way yet with any of them. I am too uptight and unsmart to make the effort to get a girl myself anyways).
Bhima: Yes brother I understand. May I go for a walk now? I need to get fit you know.
Yudishtra: Yes you may.
Bhima goes out of the palace, feeling really depressed. "Once a day Subway diet, how will I ever survive on that?" he wonders, when suddenly he sees Duryodhana approaching. And he remembers the embarrassment he had brought upon his cousin during the afternoon and he lets out a loud laugh.
Bhima: Duryodhana, what are you doing in the Pandavas apartments?
Duryodhana: Bhima, I had to talk to you about something.
Bhima (suspiciously): What is it Duryodhana?
Duryodhana: I am having a small problem, and only you can help me.
Bhima: Why should I help you, you Kaurava!
Duryodhana: Because I will do whatever you want. You know I had a bet with my younger brothers that I could eat 30 pooris in one sitting, but you know I cannot. And I lose two months of pocket money if I lose. Shakuni Mama has agreed to be the adjudicator and will serve food to me. But I have worked out a deal with him, and he will serve you instead. Hence accompany me to the kitchen, and you can eat on my behalf. I will give you a month's pocket money. I cannot lose face among my younger brothers you know.
Bhima (Smiling, Thinks: The fool! He is giving me money for doing what I so desperately want. Food. Let me squeeze him further though): I will do it if you agree to provide me with food for breakfast and dinner also. Your breakfast and dinner.
Duryodhana (desperately wanting the plan to succeed): Yes, whatever. Please help me.
So Bhima goes to the kitchen with Duryodhana, and eats 30 pooris, which according to Shakuni's plan, was adulterated. Not with sleeping pills though. Shakuni had added a full bottle of rat poison in the dough, potent just enough to kill a person who drinks the entire bottle, which Bhima inadverently had. As soon as he finished the food, Bhima fell sleepy as the poison started acting up. Shakuni, in the meantime went to answer the call of nature, and Duryodhana, seeing Bhima sleepy, had a brilliant idea (which can be written as !! in Chess, but actually became a ??). Duryodhana drags the body of Bhima out of the kitchen along with Dushasan, his trusted No. 2 and throws him into the Ganga, and tells the happy news to Shakuni when Shakuni returns after relieving himself.
Shakuni was livid when he hears what Duryodhana has done.
Shakuni: Even fools use their brains sometime, when will you use yours?
Duryodhana (shocked): What do you mean Mamaji, have I not done the right thing? Just making him sleep would not have been a big enough punishment for him right, so I thought I will throw him into river and make him suffer. I sometimes think I am a genius Mamaji.
Shakuni: You fool! I had planned it all. It would have been a big enough punishment. But now you have spoiled it all.
Duryodhana: Why Mamaji? Now he will know not to take panga with me.
Shakuni: (Thinking: I would have burned his body, and all trace of Bhima would have been lost. People would have assumed Bhima ran away because of the tough diet constraint to be placed on him. But now, his body will be found and a thousand questions will be asked. Let me prepare how to handle with him). Duryodhana, you now go and play with your brothers. Let me see what to do. And Dushasan, no one should know about this except the three of us. Right?
Duryodhana, Dushasan: Yes Mamaji.
Meanwhile, the river Ganga was infested with snakes at that point of time. The snakes bit the unconcious Bhima, and anti-venomed the effect of the rat poison. And Bhima was rendered conscious as the poison in his blood was neutralized. The first thing he felt was lack of air in his lungs. He wanted to swim up, but having had always not played attention in swimming classes, he failed. Death loomed on his head as he saw himself being pushed down towards the water bed. But lo! On the water bed before him was an entire palace of gold. He floated himself towards it. And saw the city of the Nagas - the snake people, who were his Mom's maternal uncles. Talk of luck, he thought, as his head swirled - the effect of poison and the water filling his lungs.
Bhima was taken prisoner by the guards of the city and presented before the king of the Nagas, who turned out to be his maternal grand uncle. Bhima noted that he could breathe normally now, even with water all around him. It was a lot like magic. Bhima was still too confused to understand the effect of what happened. After the introductions, Bhima was received warmly by his grand uncle.
Naga King (NK): Welcome to Athlathi - our capital under water. Noone ever comes here, and Bhima, you are a brave man to come here. What brings you here.
Bhima (confused): I dont know. I guess it was food. I feel weak. I need food.
NK: Yes we will give you food. And a lot more. What do you want Bhima, tell me. Do you want money, or sex? Or both. I have a harem of beautiful women. You are my grand nephew and are eligible to enjoy with them. I have much money also, as you can see in the golden palace. Ask I will fill you up with women and money.
Bhima (Thinks: I need to say sex, I want sex the most, yes today will be a culmination of my desire. And I wont even have to become a slave of women like Arjuna does to get one): If you want to give me anything, give me strength. And make me seem the same muscular self I am right now no matter what I eat. That is all I want. I want food. And strength. (WTF! What did I just say??)
NK: Lemme see about it. Women and money would have been easier. And the physical appearance part is also easy. But strength. This one is tough. Chief Minister, do we have anything for strength.
Chief Minister (CM): Yes sir, we have just have had invented a new strength providing capsule. You had employed your best scientific minds to make that capsule exclusively for you. But sir, it is the only tablet we have. And we have kept it for you. It gives the consumer the strength of 16000 elephants. And the scientists who researched the tablets are all dead as per your order - so they could not make another.
NK: So what, Bhima is like my own son. Give the tablet to him. He asks me for strength and we will give him.
CM (Thinks: What a fool our king is? I should be the king, if only my plots will come off once a while).
So Bhima takes the tablet, and immediately gets the strength of 16000 elephants.
The Naga King then orders his CM to leave Bhima to the banks of the Ganges using the submarine. And from there, Bhima comes back to Hastinapur and his palace.
In his absence, rumours had started abounding that Bhima had left the palace as he could not keep up with the strict diet code of his own elder brother. There is large mourning for him, and as Kunti was wailing aloud, along with Gandhari, Bhima appears and tells everyone his Naga King story. He had however, conveniently forgotten about the 30 poori lunch by then, and no one gets to suspect Duryodhana. Some rumours even abound that Bhima had taken rat poison in view of living the one a day Subway diet. These rumours - started by Shakuni - were so strong that even Bhima could not refute them. But it did not really matter. Bhima had the strength of 16000 elephants, and he could eat all he wanted. That was all that mattered.
Shakuni : "So did you understand the plan?"
Duryodhana: Yes, mamaji, I did. But is it not wrong to do this?
Shakuni: What wrong? When he beats your brother isnt that wrong? Anyways all you are trying to do is to teach that insolent sob a lesson. You are the good guy here, remember that. You are trying to protect your brothers against the bully.
Duryodhana: I guess you are right, mamaji. Anyways we are only going to give him a long sleep, right, mamaji. But where do I get these sleeping pills from Mamaji?
Shakuni: Bhanje, you leave all those details to me. I will get made the tastiest food and shall add the sleeping pills to it. You just have to invite Bhima to eat it. And knowing him, I am sure he won't refuse. But make sure noone sees you make the invitation.
Duryodhana: I won't let you down, mamaji.
And off went Duryodhana.
Meanwhile, the Pandavas in their home were having fun discussing the various positions in the year end Kamasutra magazine, which Yudhistra, using his superior diplomatic skills, had managed to get away from uncle Vidura. Most of the positions were pretty acrobatic, and the rest of the Pandavas were making fun of Bhima, and how, considering his bulky nature, he would not be able to try the majority of them. And this drove Bhima mad - at his own brothers.
Bhima: I will make all of you suffer. You guys just wait. (And he rushes after Arjuna with a stick).
Yudishtra: Bhima, remember what Mom Kunti and Uncle Vidura told all of us. I am the eldest, and always right.
Yudishtra (being the elder brother who got scolded by Kunti if anyone fought among the Pandavas): Shaant, dandadhari Bhima, shaant!! Arjuna, apologise to your elder brother!
Arjuna: Sorry bhai!! (And see what dirty connotations of that simple statement did Bollywood come up with all these years later).
Nakul and Sahadeva: Sorry Bhai!!
Yudishtra: But Bhima must have his anger assauged. And we people should also learn a lesson not to be disrespectful to Bhima. So Sahadeva, being the youngest, should bear the brunt of Bhima's anger. Bhima, you can give a tight one of the stick to Sahadeva.
And Bhima obliges. But is still quite glum. And so Nakul too is sacrificed.
Nakul and Sahadeva are both clutching their bottoms at the end of it all, wondering what wrong did they do - they did not actually said anything and had only laughed at the jokes Arjuna and Yudishtra made.
Yudishtra (thinking): This will teach these sons of Madri a lesson. She was the one because of whom Dad is dead. And that will also teach them not to ever go against Bhima - and by extension, against me.
Bhima's anger has calmed down by now. And Arjuna and Yudishtra get scot free.
So Yudishtra tells Bhima to calm down and says, "But seriously Bhima, you need to do something about this fat body of yours. You have lost all your muscles now. All you have is fat. Even Mom Kunti had to hear jokes by aunt Gandhari and Uncle Dhritrashtra regarding your weight. You are just 13 now, what will happen when you reach 30, and more. I hate to think. So from tomorrow, I have told uncle Vidura to put you on a strict diet control. No more Aloo ke Parathe for you. All you can have are those Subway sandwiches."
Bhima: But bhaiya, that is so unfair.
Yudishtra: It is all for your good, you will realize. See Arjuna already has had three girlfriends, while you have none. Why do you think that is?
Bhima: That is because I am not interested in one. I am sure I can find myself hotter females who will be enamored by my muscles (showing his biceps) if I tried. Arjuna is ready to do whatever girls asks them to do. He tries a bit too hard, and some girls like that. On the other hand, I have too much dignity. And Bhaiya, even you never have had a girl friend. Why do you think that is?
Yudishtra: I am the eldest brother. This is no way to talk to your elder brother. I will go complain to Mom if you do not apologise.
Bhima: Okay I will! Sorry Bhai (Thinks: He is such a sissy)
Yudishtra (suddenly feeling the urge to press his advantage): And what Arjuna was joking about is right. You will have trouble to have even missionary sex with this huge belly of yours. What is your Body Mass Index? In hindsight, I think I will ask Uncle Vidura to change your Subway Diet to once-a-day Subway Diet. Don't look so glum brother. It is for your own benefit. So you can have good sex. (Thinking: Even Bhima should get good girls once he thins down a bit. Then, like with Arjuna, I can emotionally blackmail him too, and get to second base with his girlfriends as well. Too bad Arjuna has not gone all the way yet with any of them. I am too uptight and unsmart to make the effort to get a girl myself anyways).
Bhima: Yes brother I understand. May I go for a walk now? I need to get fit you know.
Yudishtra: Yes you may.
Bhima goes out of the palace, feeling really depressed. "Once a day Subway diet, how will I ever survive on that?" he wonders, when suddenly he sees Duryodhana approaching. And he remembers the embarrassment he had brought upon his cousin during the afternoon and he lets out a loud laugh.
Bhima: Duryodhana, what are you doing in the Pandavas apartments?
Duryodhana: Bhima, I had to talk to you about something.
Bhima (suspiciously): What is it Duryodhana?
Duryodhana: I am having a small problem, and only you can help me.
Bhima: Why should I help you, you Kaurava!
Duryodhana: Because I will do whatever you want. You know I had a bet with my younger brothers that I could eat 30 pooris in one sitting, but you know I cannot. And I lose two months of pocket money if I lose. Shakuni Mama has agreed to be the adjudicator and will serve food to me. But I have worked out a deal with him, and he will serve you instead. Hence accompany me to the kitchen, and you can eat on my behalf. I will give you a month's pocket money. I cannot lose face among my younger brothers you know.
Bhima (Smiling, Thinks: The fool! He is giving me money for doing what I so desperately want. Food. Let me squeeze him further though): I will do it if you agree to provide me with food for breakfast and dinner also. Your breakfast and dinner.
Duryodhana (desperately wanting the plan to succeed): Yes, whatever. Please help me.
So Bhima goes to the kitchen with Duryodhana, and eats 30 pooris, which according to Shakuni's plan, was adulterated. Not with sleeping pills though. Shakuni had added a full bottle of rat poison in the dough, potent just enough to kill a person who drinks the entire bottle, which Bhima inadverently had. As soon as he finished the food, Bhima fell sleepy as the poison started acting up. Shakuni, in the meantime went to answer the call of nature, and Duryodhana, seeing Bhima sleepy, had a brilliant idea (which can be written as !! in Chess, but actually became a ??). Duryodhana drags the body of Bhima out of the kitchen along with Dushasan, his trusted No. 2 and throws him into the Ganga, and tells the happy news to Shakuni when Shakuni returns after relieving himself.
Shakuni was livid when he hears what Duryodhana has done.
Shakuni: Even fools use their brains sometime, when will you use yours?
Duryodhana (shocked): What do you mean Mamaji, have I not done the right thing? Just making him sleep would not have been a big enough punishment for him right, so I thought I will throw him into river and make him suffer. I sometimes think I am a genius Mamaji.
Shakuni: You fool! I had planned it all. It would have been a big enough punishment. But now you have spoiled it all.
Duryodhana: Why Mamaji? Now he will know not to take panga with me.
Shakuni: (Thinking: I would have burned his body, and all trace of Bhima would have been lost. People would have assumed Bhima ran away because of the tough diet constraint to be placed on him. But now, his body will be found and a thousand questions will be asked. Let me prepare how to handle with him). Duryodhana, you now go and play with your brothers. Let me see what to do. And Dushasan, no one should know about this except the three of us. Right?
Duryodhana, Dushasan: Yes Mamaji.
Meanwhile, the river Ganga was infested with snakes at that point of time. The snakes bit the unconcious Bhima, and anti-venomed the effect of the rat poison. And Bhima was rendered conscious as the poison in his blood was neutralized. The first thing he felt was lack of air in his lungs. He wanted to swim up, but having had always not played attention in swimming classes, he failed. Death loomed on his head as he saw himself being pushed down towards the water bed. But lo! On the water bed before him was an entire palace of gold. He floated himself towards it. And saw the city of the Nagas - the snake people, who were his Mom's maternal uncles. Talk of luck, he thought, as his head swirled - the effect of poison and the water filling his lungs.
Bhima was taken prisoner by the guards of the city and presented before the king of the Nagas, who turned out to be his maternal grand uncle. Bhima noted that he could breathe normally now, even with water all around him. It was a lot like magic. Bhima was still too confused to understand the effect of what happened. After the introductions, Bhima was received warmly by his grand uncle.
Naga King (NK): Welcome to Athlathi - our capital under water. Noone ever comes here, and Bhima, you are a brave man to come here. What brings you here.
Bhima (confused): I dont know. I guess it was food. I feel weak. I need food.
NK: Yes we will give you food. And a lot more. What do you want Bhima, tell me. Do you want money, or sex? Or both. I have a harem of beautiful women. You are my grand nephew and are eligible to enjoy with them. I have much money also, as you can see in the golden palace. Ask I will fill you up with women and money.
Bhima (Thinks: I need to say sex, I want sex the most, yes today will be a culmination of my desire. And I wont even have to become a slave of women like Arjuna does to get one): If you want to give me anything, give me strength. And make me seem the same muscular self I am right now no matter what I eat. That is all I want. I want food. And strength. (WTF! What did I just say??)
NK: Lemme see about it. Women and money would have been easier. And the physical appearance part is also easy. But strength. This one is tough. Chief Minister, do we have anything for strength.
Chief Minister (CM): Yes sir, we have just have had invented a new strength providing capsule. You had employed your best scientific minds to make that capsule exclusively for you. But sir, it is the only tablet we have. And we have kept it for you. It gives the consumer the strength of 16000 elephants. And the scientists who researched the tablets are all dead as per your order - so they could not make another.
NK: So what, Bhima is like my own son. Give the tablet to him. He asks me for strength and we will give him.
CM (Thinks: What a fool our king is? I should be the king, if only my plots will come off once a while).
So Bhima takes the tablet, and immediately gets the strength of 16000 elephants.
The Naga King then orders his CM to leave Bhima to the banks of the Ganges using the submarine. And from there, Bhima comes back to Hastinapur and his palace.
In his absence, rumours had started abounding that Bhima had left the palace as he could not keep up with the strict diet code of his own elder brother. There is large mourning for him, and as Kunti was wailing aloud, along with Gandhari, Bhima appears and tells everyone his Naga King story. He had however, conveniently forgotten about the 30 poori lunch by then, and no one gets to suspect Duryodhana. Some rumours even abound that Bhima had taken rat poison in view of living the one a day Subway diet. These rumours - started by Shakuni - were so strong that even Bhima could not refute them. But it did not really matter. Bhima had the strength of 16000 elephants, and he could eat all he wanted. That was all that mattered.
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