The IIML interview story

{This is a kind of story that should actually go into the PagalGuy forum. But neither am I a PG member, nor do I wish to become one. Moreover, this wasn't an actual interview in any regard. I was not going for the interview in the first place, because without a degree, it seemed a total waste. Please note that I am not interested in going to IIML ever, and view the below conversations in that light.}
GD topic : bureaucracy mantains status quo, long after the time, the quo has lost its status. There were 9 of us, and while everyone looked blank in the beginning, the GD turned out to be a pretty good one in the end, and everyone seemed pretty happy at the end of Round 1.
Interview: Main Characters : V (for Victim, me), P1 (Prosecutor 1, a North Indian, smart, friendly looking fellow), P2 (Prosecutor 2, a South Indian, with a horrible accent and a totally disinterested look).
Scene : IIFT, Room F-5, Panel -IV.
P1 comes out.
P1 : Zobin Joy.
V: Yes, Sir
P1 :Come in
(Both go in. P2 is waiting inside. P1 takes the application from P2, and sits on the chair).
P1: You have a nice smiling face.
V: Thank you, sir (Sits down).
P1: So did you have tea?
V: Yes, Sir.
P1: Which Brand of tea?
V (hearing it as which departmen): Electrical Engineering
P1: No no I asked which brand of tea?
V: ohh Sir..sorry..I didnt notice Sir.
P1 (reading the form): So, I see, you are interested in music.
V (bewildered, because he HASNT mentioned music anywhere): Yes Sir, I listen to music but I dont play any instrument.
P1 : So, you are from Delhi itself?
V: No, Sir, I belong to Dharamshala, HImachal Pradesh.
P1: Ohh..Then you know Mcleodgunj.
V: I stay in Mcleodgunj sir.
P1: U stay in Mcleodgunj?
V: No sir, not McleodGunj, but 15 kilometres downhill (Author's note: The correct answer is 20 kilometers, but who cares?).
P1: Dalai Lama.
V: Yes sir, I know the Dalai Lama. I have met him many times.
P1: Who is the next Dalai Lama?
(At this point, V takes centrestage. Explains about the Tibetian traditions, talks veer to the Panchen Lama and the Karmapa Lama, at the end of which V looks happy and confident, P1 looks enlightened and P2 is sleeping).
P1: So tell me your interests?
V: Sir, listening to music, reading, writing and quizzing
P1: What?
V: Sir, quizzing
P1: Ohh..quizzing? Okay...(Picks up a plastic water bottle). Tell me five non-conventional uses of this water bottle in one minute (Adjusts the minute in his mobile stop watch).
V: (Author's note : Please note that V is a male, that too from an engineering background. So the first thing that came to his mind, was the same as it comes to any male mind on hearing the same question. It is something I cant publish down here, and so, V definitely could not speak it out. And it took him 40 seconds to take that option from his mind. After which all he could come up with was ) umphhhh..
P1: See, for example, it can be used as a paper weight.
V: Yes Sir. (Mumbles two more uses, and is about to mumble a third, when P1 interrupts) 10 seconds left.
V(his mind again wavering to the first thing that came to his mind) umphh..
P1 : 5 seconds. (After five seconds) Time up. You could only tell me two uses, and then you say you do quizzing?
V: Sorry Sir.
P1: Okay you work in SPSS?
V: Yes Sir.
P1: Tell me the full form for SPSS?
V: Software for Packaging Statistical Systems (It is actually Statistical Packaging for Software Systems).
P1: If you dont know, just say dont know (This is the defining moment of the interview).
V: Yes Sir.
P1: Tell me one thing you can do in SPSS which you cannot do in Excel?
V: Sir, SPSS is faster, better..blah blah
P1 (interrupting): Tell me one thing you CANNOT do in Excel.
V (thinking hard..taking a lot of time): crosstab.
P1 (interrupting): Heard about labelling.
V: Yes Sir. (Then starts the second conversation about labelling, at the end of which V is confused and sad. P1 looks victorious, and P2 wakes up).
P2 (Picking up the form): So what happened to you in IIT? Why is your GPA so low?
V: Sir, to be very honest, I made a mistake; and by the time I realised it, it was too late.
P1 : Show me your certificates.
(V nervously shows the certificates, which dont have the degree in them. However, unknown to V, there is a transcript of a friend in the folder as well. P1 looks at it, but probably doesnt notice the name. Or if he does, doesnt show it. V gets goosebumps seeing the transcript coming out of nowhere, and it shows).
P2: SO you are from electrical Engineering Department?
V: Yes Sir.
P2: So you know about Power Sector?
V: Not much sir.
P2: So tell me about what reforms are taking place in Power Sector.
V: Sir, liberalisation.
P2: What else?
V: Dont know Sir.
P1: There was a big headlines in the newspaper regarding some power reforms in Delhi. What was it?
V: The Nuclear deal?
P1 (laughing): No. Dont you know?
V: I dont know Sir.
P1: Which companies supply power to Delhi.
V: Sir, Reliance and BSES.
P1: Which arm of Reliance provides power?
V: Sir, Reliance energy ofcourse.
P1: Are Reliance and BSES connected?
V: No, sir they are totally different competing companies providing power in different areas of Delhi.
P2: ohh..I see. Do u know about CRWC?
V: I dont know Sir.
P2: Who regulates power distribution in India?
V: Sir, the Indian Government.
P2: No, but they have set an autonomous body for the same. Which one?
V: Sir, I dont know.
P1: Okay tell me, which autoomous body is set up for regulating Telecommunications?
V: MTNL?
P1: No, its a service provider. A regulating body?
V: BSNL? No sir, I dont know
P1: Tell me one company producing power machinery in India.
V: ABB
P2: It is a foreing company. Tell me an INdian company.
V: Kirloskar.
P2:Okay, good. What does it make?
V: Heavy machines sir.
P2: Some PSU in the field?
V: Dont know sir.
P2: Okay tell me , do you know about budget?
V: Not much Sir.
P2 (exasparated): Tell me what do you read in business papers?
V: Sir, to be very honest, I dont read business papers.
P2 (losing cool): Tell me why do you want to do an MBA?
V (smiling) : Sir, because I want to open my own company in the consulting sector, that
P2 (interrupting): So you think you can do that without some business inputs?
V : No sir, I am just starting. Hopefully I will improve.
P1: Okay Zubin. You may leave now.
V: Thank you Sir.
P1: By the way, whats your percentile.
V (smiling):99.94 Sir.
P1: All calls?
V: Yes Sir.
Thank You Sir.
{And thus V came out. The curtains fall upon any chances of making it to IIML this year around).