Friday, October 14, 2005

Of Passions and Compassions

When sitting and facing the interview panel at IIM interviews, the only question that had me really foxed was when a Professor from IIMB asked me, "So what all are you passionate about?" And I was taken aback. A man is supposed to be passionate about something in his life, and I suddenly realised I wasnt passionate about anything. So I mumbled out something, and as soon as I was speaking it out, I realised that the interviewers had made out that I was lying. And that was the end of it all. I knew right then I wasnt going to make it to IIMB; but more important than that, I realised something else : That my life was pretty empty. There wasnt one thing about which I could say: Yeah, I live my life for this.
And it also occured to me that I was unable to put up 100 % commitment to anything. I put myself into too many things at the same time, and ended up screwing all of them. It felt bad, and it also made me feel incompetent, and I decided to face up to this basic flaw in my character : As to why I couldnt more passionate about things? But maybe its not such a bad thing after all: Passion does have its negative shades as well. Not being passionate about anything means that nothing is so important to me so as to change my life. Which makes me one of the more stable, sane and sensible guys. I can think without any biases around, and can probably handle pressurre situations very well. Thats all should be true; except that it isnt. I am one of the moodiest guys around, upset by the smallest of things; things I dont even consider important enough to think about afterwards.
Maybe it has something to do with the conflict within, but there is something horribly wrong. I dont feel passionate about anything in a positive sense, but all the negative connotations of passion I suffer. I can fight, for example, with my best friend, among other things, about sitting on the front seat of the car. I suffer both ways; and while this time around I probably shall be able to lie more convincingly about what my passions are ( I am preparing my answer : Tennis, crossowords, friends, hostel at one point of time etc etc...all crap but you have to say crap with confidence to get selected in interviews I think). Now again, I am not passionate about getting into IIM's but it shall make me really upset and sad and angry, if I dont get through.
Maybe, just maybe, these are wandering thoughts, but its better to put them on paper. I am trying to rediscover myself throught these blogs and trying to find the real me. Or making people find the real me, because I am too lost at the moment to find anything. And then you hear the Beatles' song : All you need is love. But then, when you need love the most, you least deserve it, and also, you dont get it when you most need it. So if you dont get love when you need it, how do you know love is all you need. It might seem that you need love, but because nobody gets love when he needs it, it makes no sense. So all this is paradoxical. Love might be just an illusion, like life is. Dont know why I just wrote what I did. Another day, I will discover myself, and that day, I shall look back at everything I have written, and start crying, or start laughing, or just remove everything. But till then, I shall keep writing. And you will have to bear with that; unless you stop visiting this page. If you stop, there is no point in writing. But even then, I will keep writing, hoping to discover myself someday.

5 comments:

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feignman said...

kya baat hai mast likha hai..good read and a disturbing one at that. disturbing because it throws a question at the readers, which i dont know how many people will care about, but a one i have been trying to avoid asking myself, the one of passion..

mithrandir said...

In a way this post represents the sense of conflict which I am experiencing in my mind from some time now-the one of whether I am passionate enough.And passion's not simply about something concrete,its about small things as well.The feeling of 'I couldn't care less' at once absolves me of all worries and again plunges me deeper into the mires of uncertainty.I just dread the day I wld have to justify my fabricated passions knowing fully well tht I dont care either way.At the end of 4 years if IIT can help me realize what my passion really is,I wld consider it the best degree tht this esteemed institute could offer.

Anonymous said...

when you say you do not have any passion, you are not very different from many others and not a cast out as you think you are! it is a continuous process,of finding what you are passionate about. even knowing what one is passionate about is a job half done of making something of your life! and you still have long years ahead of you!!!