Mahabharata - 3: The birth of Satyavati and Vyas

Roaming around the Ganga river, Shantanu one day saw a young boy (about 16 years old) stopping the flow of the Ganga by making a dam through his arrows. He was delighted by the young boy's proficiency and angered by the fact that the boy seemed to be hurting the river Ganga, who happened to be his wife, albeit estranged. So angrily he went up to the boy and asked him, "Who are you? And why are you stopping the flow of Ganga?" As if to answer the question, Ganga herself (yeah that very same Ganga who had been his wife and whom he had fucked like there was no tomorrow, who still looked like the 20 year old virgin he had seen at the same spot many many years ago) appeared out of nowhere, and said, "He is our eighth son, O king! He has been taught science by the great Guru Brihaspati (the guru of the devas) and has been taught the use of arms and weapons by the great Pashuram. He is the best archer the world has ever seen according to his Guru. He has been named Devarata and is also called Gangeya (the son of Ganga). As I promised, as his education is over, I am handing him over to you. He is intelligent and able enough to be your heir. Take him home." Shantanu, who was overwhelmed with relief and joy at seeing his wife and his son, said, "and arent't you coming home, love?", to which Ganga replied, "It was a deal, my dear. I cant come back, but take Devarata and be happy. And now please go back." Shantanu wanted to cry out, "Give me one more night" (which, as you all know now became the inspiration for Phil Collins' hit song), but Ganga cut him short by disappearing into thin air, like only Indian gods and goddesses know how to.
Shantanu was sad, for seeing Ganga again had let the blood in his loins flow freely again. But he was also happy to find his son and the king as his heir. He seemed to have got his old energy back again, and after declaring Devarata as his heir, and leaving the daily working of the empire to him ("you need to gain experience, son" Shantanu told his son), off he went to his pre-Ganga days hobby of hunting for women and animals. "18 till I die", shouted Shantanu while catching his prey, and in Hindi, "Abhee to main jawaan hoon". (Indians, unfortunately, are as big copycats as the Americans, Irish, British and Canadians are from Indian history.) In the meantime, Devarata got accustomed to his new life as a prince, and single-handedly managed to defeat the huge army arrogant prince of Saubala, Shalva, and humiliated him further by sparing his life. The kingdom of Hastinapur was in good hands, and Shantanu and Deverata were both saying, "I'm loving it." (The quintessential American symbol of McDonald's as you can see, also had its roots in India).

And then entered Satyavati - who was an epitome of sex as only daughters of apsaras (celestial maidens, who were basically prostitutes for gods, and were pure sex) can be. Now here is the story of her birth: "Upacharika was the king of Chedi and Girika was his wife. Once while they planned to have sex to produce a heir for their kingdom, as Girika had one of 'those' days. As they were beginning to start the act, however, came news which required the king to immediately go to a far fetched spot of his kingdom to quell a rebellion. Promising his wife that he will be back soon, he went and quelled the rebellion, but after he was done, he saw the beautiful scenery around. He decided to rest there for some days, but with spring setting in, all animals were into the act of reproduction (and yes - 7x were a craze even then), he got horny remembering his voluptuous wife and masturbated. (This is probably the first mention of the act in the world). As he masturbated, he caught his semen in his hand, and planning not to waste it, caught it in a leaf, tied it to his pigeon and send him to his wife, so that she could concieve a heir. ("Kabootar Jaa Jaa Jaa" was a rip-off from this story - and we thought that was the only original song in the movie Maine Pyar Kiya). So well, off flew the pigeon, with the semen. However, the pigeon, while flying back, was caught by an eagle, and the leaf fell into the river Ganga, where it was eaten by a fish, who was actually an Apsara (Adrika by name) who was cursed to live as a fish. As the semen went into her, it gave birth to two foetus - a girl and a boy. The fish was caught by the fisherman Dashraj, and while he cut the fish, he saw the two babies in there. He took both to the king Upacharika, who kept the boy child, (who grew up to be the king Matsya), while giving the daughter back to Dashraj. The daughter grew up to be Satyavati, the future wife of Shantanu."

Satyavati grew up to be a hot sexy woman. Her father found her a job on the banks of the Yamuna river, as a boatwoman, who used to smell of fish because she was a fisherman's daughter. She used to sit there waiting for people to come and while she was so sexy, people tried avoiding her because of the smell emanating from her body. She was even called Matsyagandha (the smell of fish) and was still a virgin, when Prashar happened to her.

Prashar was a great rishi who one day wanted to cross the river Yamuna, and asked Satyavati to take him across. He had common cold that particular day, and his nostrils were flared up and could not smell. So well in front of her alone was this hot little pussy, who looked a virgin, and the two of them were alone in the middle of a river, which aroused Prashar a great deal. He had an immediate hard-on, and looking at Satyavati, began singing, "I wanna fuck you" to which Satyavati replied, being a virgin, "I want to too, but I am a virgin, and you are not going to marry me, are you? Plus I have such a filthy odour emanating from me, aren't you appalled by that like all the other people?". "Say no more, oh beautiful one, I cannot marry you because I am a rishi. But you are so sexy I cant control myself. It will be a one night affair, and I will make you a deal you can't refuse. (If you thought Godfather was brilliant- what do you think about this). If you give yourself to me, I will, through my yoga and siddhi, restore your hymen. Moreover, I will give you such a fragrance that your fragrance will attract people towards you from a yojana (a unit of distance equal to 9 miles) away." Satyavati thought about it, and then said, "Thanks for the offer, but I am in those days of the month, and I presume you don't have a condom, so what if I get pregnant? What happens to the child?" Prashar had a reply ready,"A son will be born from this union, oh beautiful lady, and he will be an adult as soon as he is born. He will be one of the most renowned rishis ever, and history will remember him as Ved Vyas or Krishna Dwaipanya (the dark island-born). But Satyavati got frightened, and said, "However, it is still daytime, what if someone sees us?" Prashar, who had got tired of answering these questions, and who wanted a quick blowjob to stop this talkative woman, suddenly created darkness (he was a powerful rishi), and told Satyavati, "take the boat to that island in the middle of the river." And as soon they reached the island, Prashar fucked Satyavati like rabbits do. She felt pain, pleasure and ecstasy. It had lasted over four hours, but she had lost all sense of time. It was better than she had ever thought it to be. And after Prashar had finished, she felt pain again, as if something was pushing outside from her vagina. She fell asleep, and when she opened her eyes again, she found two men, not one, looking at her, lying naked, after having the time of her life. She tried to cover herself up, but the other man, who was one of the ugliest men she had ever set eyes upon, bowed to her, touched her feet, and said, "I am your son, mother! Bless me. Father has told me to go and study the Vedas, and I must go along with Father. But if you need me mother, just remember me and I will come. And off went Prashar with Vyas, who looked big enough to be a father himself, leaving Satyavati alone- who went back to her father's home, her hymen restored, and with no signs of having had sex. She told her father that the rishi had given her a new fragrance, leaving out all other details. And she became Yojanagandha, (one whose smell spreads for a yojana) and her smell and her sexy figure and beauty made many people ask for her hand for marriage, but her father refused them all. He knew her daughter was made for bigger things, and it was soon to come - when Shantanu, having hunted down all his 'preys' along the Ganga, decided to try his luck near the Yamuna river.