I've been high

(Dedicated to an REM song by the same name).

"why are you doing this to yourself?" "Doing what?" "you know what, why have you started this new thing. You even have a job now. Your life is almost settled. Then why?" "Does there have to be a reason? There is no reason. Its just that I want to live my life on a high. And all this gives me a high."

I reached a new high during my exams. The results of my Statistics examination stunned everyone in the campus except me. C+ in a course where everyone gets surprised even if I stoop to A from A+. But to score C+ was not as tough as I would have imagined. Not studying did one trick. Even then I might have managed a A/A- (Yeah, I believe I am that good, in stats atleast). Half a bottle of Royal Stag (no more, no less) did the rest. Still am pretty disappointed. If I had not goofed up and made some silly mistakes, I could still have gotten a B+. And normally, I dont make silly mistakes. I make big mistakes.

Coming to that half bottle, the rest was finished before the last examination. Again, you might ask, why before. Because after the exam we were going out. So before the Economics examination I listened to some good Rock, drank and slept. Woke up at 930, finished the syllabus in half an hour. And I might have done better than some of my wingies who spent the entire night studying. Man, I love myself. (I am too good!) Or is it that management is such a sham?

Have been on the biggest debt streak of my college life. This is kinda worse than the fourth year of college. Have lost all my savings, and am running an incurring debt of close to 13000. It is scary. Am going home, so probably shall get my finances back in order. Where did all the money go, u might ask? Well, things like treats, movies, eating out, and most importantly, drinking out. Also 5000 on the planned flight expenditure to Delhi.

Man, I've been high. And happy. Over the past few days.

The past few days have been pretty amazing. There have been plenty of trips to the city: Olypub, Someplace Else, Atrium, Cinammon Lounge, Ivory; to name a few. Also have discovered Artland, a shady drinking place 10 minutes walk from the campus. Have been to a nearby (200 kms away) beach, where had fun. And then there has been the GGP (Great G**** Party), probably the most important event on campus calender for me. Also have been trying "it" out once a week.

Read Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. Man those guys were shit crazy. Gonzo journalism. Loved the book. And am now starting to read A Million Little Pieces. The guy is screwed up on alcohol, cocaine and a hundred other things. And has checked into a rehab. Its like FALILV, a true story.

Have been feeling pretty good lately. Even though, the week before, every morning I wake up to a upset stomach or a bad headache, the feeling of being high takes over later in the day. And
am really loving it.
Planned : A trip to Delhi and home.Cant wait for that to get started. Means meeting old friends, their new and old girlfriends. And doing some essential shopping.

(And yeah, if you have read till here, Happy New Year. Shit. As if I care.)

I am so high now.

My first Short story...Lifes like that

The vulture was waiting for him to die. Ben could feel that, as it was circling his body and watching him intently. Even he was sure he would die, here in the middle of the Sahara desert, with no sign of life nearby. He had been sucked of his last bit of energy, and with the sun shining down upon him, he was seeing mirages. But now he was blinded by the sand winds, and he just decided to lie down there, waiting for his death; and the vulture. He was to become just another victim of the Great Desert. “So, this is death, then?” he thought, “Is this what I wanted all through?”

His mind wandered off to happier times. Not always was he a picture of tragedy, as he liked to call himself. He had started his own company at the height of the dotcom boom, which was doing really well. He had a great group of friends, a beautiful and caring girlfriend, and very supportive parents, who had backed his decision to leave his consulting job to start something of his own. Life seemed so beautiful to him then.

And as he remembered, the dotcom crash had left his company, and his life shattered. He had lost all faith in himself. His parents and girlfriend and other friends stood by him, but he still could not come to terms with his loss. He had been drawn into alcohol and drugs, and had broken up with everyone who cared for him. He had taken up a new job, basically to support his addictions more than anything else, and he was lonely, truly lonely.

He turned suicidal soon after. He had tried various methods: cutting his wrists, eating medicines, and hanging himself. Somehow, nothing seemed to ever work. Even his attempts at ending life only pointed to the same old thing: nothing he could do would ever work. And the more he thought about it, the worse it became. Finally, he decided to see a psychiatrist.

Dr. Ashton Gellar was one of the most reputed psychiatrists in his fields. He took Ben through a lot of psychological tests and methods, but nothing seemed to work. Each method seemed to be working: Ben seemed to be okay for the next few days, but then went back to alcohol, drugs, and inventing modern ways of attempting suicide. And each failure to kill himself further aggravated Ben’s depression. Dr. Gellar had cured more depressed persons during his 25-year tenure, but he could not explain his ineffectiveness with respect to Ben. Ben had lost all good feelings about life, and every new day seemed like a big burden to him. He had to be made believe that life was a miracle, that life had its purpose, a mission, and that every man must wait for his bid time, before passing on to the other world. Then one day, he told Ben to read the Bible, and was surprised to see the results. Ben finally seemed to understand he had a meaning in life, but was still unsure about the meaning. And that was not helping out his condition much. Dr. Gellar also advised Ben to read the Quran, Bhagwad Gita, and the ancient texts from China. Anything that could make him find his purpose, and Ben tried to look forward to each morning. And Ben remembered how one day he had decided to follow his heart’s calling, and visit all these ancient cultures to try to find his purpose.

He had taken a break from his office, and booked a ticket to India. He had visited ancient places like Varanasi, and then also visited the Dalai Lama’s capital in exile. He had also been to China and seen the forbidden city, and Lhasa. His travels also took him to Jerusalem and Mecca-Medina. He then came to Egypt, where he became a part of a caravan journey from Cairo to Luxor.

It was intensely hot that day, with sand blowing all over their faces. It soon turned into a horrible sandstorm and he remembered being thrown off his camel. Even as he tried shouting for help, he knew inside that he was lost. And he was alone. By the time the storm cleared, he was isolated from all signs of life, amongst this huge Sahara desert. But he was not alone for too long, for the vulture had spotted him. And after two days of relentless running after mirages, he had decided to give up. “So, this is death, then?” and closed his eyes, waiting to die.

“How are you, Mr. Ben?” The Doctor asked him. “Where am I?” asked Ben, “Is this heaven?” As he later found out, he was in a hospital in Cairo. Luckily for him, a caravan had found him before he had lost his life. He was lucky to survive, he was told, only one in thousand people managed to survive the Sahara, like he had.

And that put Ben in further thought, “why was I saved? Maybe I have something more to offer to this world yet.” This realization made him see reason. He realized how he had given up on all his good relations over the past five years. He knew he had found his mission in life, to be as good as he could be. He wanted to throw all negative thoughts off his mind. He was going to celebrate his new found life.

He decided to call his parents, and his ex-girlfriend, and told them all he had been through, and that he could not wait to meet them. He also called his friends, and Dr. Gellar, informing them about his new found desire to live life to the fullest. Finally he was completely happy.

He booked the next plane out of Cairo, and could not wait to get back to his old life, one he had himself spurned away. And as he was sleeping, he heard the Pilot’s warning.

“An Air Egypt plane, from Cairo to New York, crashed in the Mediterranean Sea. All 181 passengers and crew feared dead.”

I hate...

Winning when I win.
Losing when I lose.
Achieving something when I achieve.
Not achieving something when I don't achieve.

Being ignored when I am ignored.
Being cared for when I am cared for.
Being in the public eye when I am with everyone.
Being left in solitude when I am alone.

Being good when I am good.
Being bad when I am bad.
Doing something I do.
Not doing something I dont do.

Being myself.
Not being myself.
Life. Death.

What life has taught me...

....0.Zilch.Zero. Sifar. Shunya. Nothing.

I have made the same mistakes again and again.

And this is something I dont wanna change. And its frustrating.

I am going to live, even though all I wanna do is die.

Another day lost

Another day lost. My hallucinations are back. I cant remember how yesterday went by. I remember Friday evening, one of the few non-alcoholic Friday evenings here, and bang! The next thing I remember is Sunday morning 6 a.m. Where was I in between? I have absolutely no clue. I remember eating a lot of tablets( for kicks, because I couldnt find any whisky, and damn:it has become expensive) and then a huge blank.
What happened that whole day for me will be confined to history books. I have lost quite a few days this way, around five or six, just blanked out from memory. I dont know why this happens, but probably I sleep like Kumbhkaran, and even though I am awake for two three hours, I dont remember anything of those. Pretty scary, huh!!
On other fronts, exams start tomorrow. Have pretty much become immune to them now, and they pass off just like they did in IIT, with minimum effect. The effect they leave behind, the CGPA is another matter altogether. I know it matters a lot, but like another things which matter, I have finally stopped caring.
Had my birthday this past week. Got a splendid gift from friends here, my first Ganja joint. It was quite chill and good. Really liked it. Had it the next day as well. Didnt get very high though, which was disappointing.
Life has become pretty meaningless again, and I have made a deal this time around: I wont make such a big deal about living it. I am OK. I am doing good. And I will be fine for the world outside. Because now I have stopped caring. For you and for me.
On the inside though, I know something is just not right.

King Of Pain

[Sting..but exactly how I feel]
here's a little black spot on the sun today
It's the same old thing as yesterday
There's a black hat caught in a high tree top
There's a flag-pole rag and the wind won't stop

I have stood here before inside the pouring rain
With the world turning circles running 'round my brain
I guess I'm always hoping that you'll end this reign
But it's my destiny to be the king of pain

There's a little black spot on the sun today
(That's my soul up there)
It's the same old thing as yesterday
(That's my soul up there)
There's a black hat caught in a high tree top
(That's my soul up there)
There's a flag-pole rag and the wind won't stop
(That's my soul up there)

I have stood here before inside the pouring rain
With the world turning circles running 'round my brain
I guess I'm always hoping that you'll end this reign
But it's my destiny to be the king of pain

There's a fossil that's trapped in a high cliff wall
(That's my soul up there)
There's a dead salmon frozen in a waterfall
(That's my soul up there)
There's a blue whale beached by a springtide's ebb
(That's my soul up there)
There's a butterfly trapped in a spider's web
(That's my soul up there)

I have stood here before inside the pouring rain
With the world turning circles running 'round my brain
I guess I'm always hoping that you'll end this reign
But it's my destiny to be the king of pain

There's a king on a throne with his eyes torn out
There's a blind man looking for a shadow of doubt
There's a rich man sleeping on a golden bed
There's a skeleton choking on a crust of bread

King of pain

There's a red fox torn by a huntsman's pack
(That's my soul up there)
There's a black-winged gull with a broken back
(That's my soul up there)
There's a little black spot on the sun today
It's the same old thing as yesterday

I have stood here before inside the pouring rain
With the world turning circles running 'round my brain
I guess I'm always hoping that you'll end this reign
But it's my destiny to be the king of pain

king of pain
king of pain
king of pain
I'll always be king of pain...