Tonight

Tonight is a special night. And pretty boring. For tonight is the first Friday night in a long long time that I am not in Howzzat/TC/Beer Island/HRC/Machan sipping alcohol. Make it guzzling alcohol. Moreover, I have been "clean" for this entire week (which must be another personal record), and hence can think more clearly that I have on other Friday nights. I can already feel the blood in my alcohol system reach new high levels. Which makes it a good time to introspect/retrospect, and to write this blog.
The past two years have passed like a daze, as did the Joka years. IITD, which at that time was a lot of fun, also seems to be full of hazy memories now. And I do not remember much from DAV college, or from school days. Which, simply put, means I have no memories. Or even if I do, I only have hazy memories. People recount incidents involving me which I just don't remember. I do remember some important events like the Fuchcha skit, the Flash Gordon Trophy, the Political Dharna in PU and the Aero Quiz, but I do not remember them entirely. How did it feel to perform on the Fachcha skit? How was it to judge the greatest final ever? It must have been great then, but now I am unable to remember those events with fondness, or feel good about them. I have lost a lot of my memories, and the one I do have, I have lost all feelings for them. After much coercion, I am able to remember, for example, the Ganguly shirt removing act that our entire Kara batch did after our juniors won the Fuchcha music event. I force myself to remember it was great, but it is not something I feel good about now all these years later. Or when we won all those trophies on House Day. It felt so good back then, but now those memories are unable to inspire me. All my happiness has been very momentarily and I have been unable to carry forward happy memories with me. On the flip side though, I also dont remember the really painful incidents as well.
Probably its the alcohol that has killed a part of the brain. Or maybe I have become completely detached from everything around, and hence feel no pleasure - or pain. Or maybe my feelings have just died, for the only feeling I get nowadays is one of frustration. Frustration at how I have made the worst of what I had. I have almost no social life, I suck at my work, and I have no prospects of growth - personally and professionally. And I have accepted it. Which brings me great calm. Except that the frustration comes out when I start thinking. Which is not much nowadays anyways. SO life is good. And happy. In a way.