Thursday, June 19, 2008

Mahabharat 11: Kauravas vs Pandavas

Before the advent of Dronacharya, the Kauravas and the Pandavas were getting their preliminary education from Guru Kripacharya. The Pandavas were as good as the Kauravas in studies, and in Bhima, Duryodhana had a match for his physical strength. And Bhima knew it too.
Being a Pandava during those times had its own advantages. They had lost their dad, Pandu - who, when you come to think of it, was not even their dad - and their mom/stepmom, Madri, and so commanded extra love wherever they went. Which meant that they could get away with whatever they did, and the Pandavas had the intelligence to use it to their own strength. Here is an example:
After another hard day at school, Duryodhana is thinking about how fast the Pandavas have caught up with him, when Bhima, the second and strongest of the Pandavas, comes up to him, takes him by the arm and whispers:
Bhima (to Duryodhana): You know, I have access to the latest Kamasutra magazine, it is an year end edition and features the best Apsaras of the year- all nude. Am arranging for a copy - Do you want it, brother?
Duryodhana: Sure, Bhima, where can I get it? I have been waiting to get a copy, but have never been able to get one myself. I dont have the contacts living in this palace. Papa never lets me go out and make new friends, and being the oldest, I am supposed to uphold family tradition and blah blah. How much do I want it, please give it to me. How much will it cost? And how do you get access to it?
Bhima: Your next two months pocket money. You know, Mother Kunti is very strict about money. She doesnt give us Pandavas half as much pocket money as Aunt Gandhari gives you. Says crap about my father being dead and all that. And yes, I have just beaten up five of your younger brothers - they are too many of them if you ask me - I dont even remember their names, but they were making a lot of noise while I was trying to eat mangoes and so I beat them. If they just say anything to uncle Dhritrashtra or Grandfather Bhishma, I will be in trouble. Do take care of that, cant you and I will give you the copy. As for your questions about procuring it, having friends in the jungle helps. You know about piracy? Thats what these guys do. But you know its still a considerable risk getting them, and I am risking that. Just for you.
Duryodhana: OK. I will explain the matter to my younger brothers. Which group was it? Was it the one with Vikarna (that is the loudest, I swear) or is the group with the naughty Sahan in it? Or wait - do you remember any number on their jerseys they were wearing.
Bhima: yeah, one of them had No. 32 written on it.
Duryodhana (after 5 minutes of counting on his fingers): Oh yeah, that was Upanandan, the 32nd Kauravas. Isnt this a cool idea Bhima - and the coolest thing about the idea is - it is mine. I have made Papa order jerseys for us. So that everyone can remember who is who. We Indians being good in maths, I thought it was a cool way to remember my brothers. They have just come in today. Check out my new No. 1 jersey. (Author's note: And when you say 22 for Kaka, you now know where the concept originated - right. They could not have remembered the names without the numbers - could they?)
Bhima: Yes, yes. Enough of this. Talk to Upananda and the rest of the gang, give me the money, and take the copy.
Duryodhana: Thanks Bhima. Dont worry about my brothers. They only do what I tell them to do. And I will tell them to keep shut. Here is the money. Meet me at the back of the blue tree in the evening - I would have talked to them by then. Don't you worry.
Bhima: Cool. Meet you at the back of the blue tree. blue tree, blue tree - and so singing Bhima goes out
(Scene shifts to inside the Kaurava palace).
Duryodhana was masturbating in the Kaurava bathroom with his new (and so far) only copy of the Kamasutra yearend edition, and there was a long line of other Kaurava princes outside, who were waiting to see what the buzz was all about. All they could here was the oohs and the aahs from Duryodhana, and at first they thought their eldest brother had a fit - before being informed by Dushasan (who was the Man Friday for the eldest brother) about what treasures Duryodhana had inside. And then everyone got into line according to their jersey numbers (which again was listed agewise). And as the line was being formed in the bathroom and outside, (for it was a very long line) suddenly in walked the elders, Bhishma, Dhritrashtra and Vidura, with the Pandavas in tow. Duryodhana's aahs and oohs were heard and were proof of the shameful act, while his other brothers were reprimanded and sent back to their rooms.
Dhritrashtra (who was blind): Yeh kya ho raha hai beta Duryodhana? (What is taking place, Duryodhana?) (This was where it all started - it was to become the blind king's most popular dialogue to his son).
Duryodhana (not knowing what to do): aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!
Bhishma : Arent you ashamed of yourself Duryodhana. Reading such magazines at your age. You are spoiling your younger brothers also. Now finish whatever you are doing soon, and come outside soon.
Duryodhana: Yes Grandpa!!!! Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!! I am just coming.
And then Duryodhana came. (Outside I mean, you perverts).
Dhritrashtra: Yeh kya ho raha hai beta Duryodhana?
Duryodhana: Am sorry Papa. You know this new edition is really hot.
Bhishma: Shut up Duryodhana. And tell me where did you get this copy. Vidura take this away ("He is the only one among us three who can use this. Dhritrashtra is blind, and as you all know, I am gay," he might have added, but he didn't).
Duryodhana: Bhima sold it to me. He got it from his jungle friends. And he even beat Upananda, Pasey, Sunaney, No. 63 and No..... (I even forget their names now papa).
Bhima: No no no no..I didnt grandpa. I dont know what he is talking about. I just heard something about a bad magazine here nearby and came to tell you - because magazines like these are a bad influence for someone like Duryodhana. I even tried to stop him, but he didnt listen. Did I not do the right thing? Why is Duryodhana attributing it to me now? Why is he taking my name?
Dhritrashtra: Yudhishtra, you always speak the truth. Is it right what Duryodhana is saying?
Yudhishtra: Why are you questioning me now Uncle? Why is my cousin trying to bring Bhima into the picture? You know our dad is dead and....
Dhritrashtra: I know and I am sorry Pandavas. Duryodhana, you are given detention for the entire month for the shameful act and for lying and putting the blame on your righteous elder cousin, you will not be served food for next 48 hours. Starve now. Your brothers will be detained for two weeks.
Duryodhana: But papa.
But by then his dad, and all the others had left. So Duryodhana went to his uncle Shakuni.
Shakuni : "What happened? Did the Pandavas make a fool of you again?"
Duryodhana: "Yes they did, mamu? But how did you know?"
Shakuni: "Hamaare jasoos is mahal ke kone kone mein hai" ("We have our spies in every corner of the palace - a dialogue that gained popularity only with Sholay some 3000 years later). And anyways, your face tells the story - every time. So what happened now."
Duryodhana finished the story.
Shakuni starts laughing at the end of it all. And then says "So he not only got your money, and beat your brothers, but also got you detained - for a month. How he fooled you!!!" Then suddenly turning grey, he whispered, "That Bhima is an evil boy - you must do something about him."
Duryodhana: "But what can I do. You always say this all the time - and he still makes me a fool, and beats up my poor brothers. And only I am strong enough to fight him. But he is my cousin, and moreover, papa and grandpa will scold me if I pick up a fight."
Shakuni : "Then just sit here talking to me and do nothing. What have your grandpa and papa given you anyways. They love the Pandavas and Bhima more than you, and there is nothing you can do about it."
Duryodhana : "Papa loves me, and grandpa too. But I am not too sure about Vidura. He is the one who is always trying to bring me down, I think"
Shakuni : "They did love you my poor nephew, before the Pandavas came to town. Now they all love the Pandavas. Noone, except me, cares about you."
Duryodhana: "I guess you are right uncle. But what should I do."
Shakuni : "All you Kauravas gather and beat him up to bully him."
Duryodhana: "That won't work, uncle. All my other brothers are afraid of him. Do not want to go near him. I am the only one who is that courageous." (Smiles, feeling proud of himself)
Shakuni : "Foolish, conceited boy you are. If you cannot beat him physically, let us teach him a lesson strategically."
Duryodhana : "How Mamaji?"
Shakuni : "A plan to get rid of Bheema I have. Are you interested?"
Duryodhan: "Yes I am"
And he whispers!!!!!

(To be continued)



Manu Gupta / gilly@iitmadras said...

one of the best and smartest blog posts i hv ever seen....
too stud man...keep up the superb work

Shefali said...

nice post. i thought this Mahabharata stuff was over and done with though...

Vik said...

Reading this series from day 1. This is really brilliant!

zubin said...

(Manu, Vik) Thanks - Need all this encouragement!!!
(Shefali) How can I disappoint all these people :P? So its a mahabharat post and a normal post order frm now on.

rajdeep said...


statix said...

nice one....a fantastic mahabharat...

Anonymous said...

This is one of the most ignorant Mahabharat-related posts I've ever seen.

You should get a life, and start writing about Islam or Christianity instead and see what'd you'd get.

Anonymous said...

Brilliant blog! Keep the good stuff coming ... (LOL)

Waiting to read the next post. :)

Bohemian said...

Hey Zubin. Its been six months now. When are you posting next? Waiting for the Drona story to be continued and now the Duryodhana-Bhima story.

I could relate Aswathama's milk experience to the Drams Club play last year.

Yup, and Persona has been doing decently, with 3 magazines in the last six months.

Anonymous said...

sorry excuse for a blog... pathetic it is... write the same thing about islamic stuff and then see what happens!!!

dave said...

MBH story needs to be completed by Zubin - Great job - when are you completing Mahabharat - You are the modern author.. do not worry about -ve comments... Please complete all the parts and post it..

Anonymous said...

Great Blog . . Fuck the Pandavas!

Anonymous said...

before pandavas ,fuck mohommed and islam