Friday, September 16, 2005

Straight from the heart...Or Maybe not

I am presently sitting in my office. Time : 0300 hrs on 16th September 2005. And before you start getting any silly ideas in your head about me working my ass off, let me tell you that I am presently working on a night shift, which I expect is something that every person working in a BPO has to experience. Yes I work in a BPO, and like I tell everyone I meet nowadays, a BPO is not necessarily a call centre. Our company deals basically with surveys and their results. Talking about BPO's and outsourcing, I had been an active Kerry supporter (which had more to do with the fact that he was anti- Bush than anything else), and now I wonder what my future would have been had the 21 votes of Ohio shifted to Kerry. Then, I guess, I wouldn't have had got this job in the first place, and wouldn't probably be writing this piece in the first place. But Kerry lost, and rest, as they say, is history.
I was sad and upset when Kerry lost, just like I was 4 years ago when Al Gore had lost due to mal rigging in Florida. And I felt sad, for REM, for Bruce Springsteen,Leonardo Di Caprio and Ben Affleck, people who had actually come out to tell the US citizens that how bad the Bush administration, and in general, the neo cons were for the world at large. And I believed that if a few more hundred valid black voters were registered in the State of Florida, USA would by today, have had 13 years of uninterrupted Democratic government, which in turn would have assured a peaceful, less polarised world.
Now coming to the main point of writing this article, I take my leanings for Democrats as a statement of the confused state of mind that I am in. I consider myself closer in leanings to the rights than to the left. I DON'T believe in social equality, I AM a racist, I AM a supporter and a big fan of Israel, and (even though I take the opposite view just to debate the issue) I think that what happened in Gujarat was probably not too wrong. Add these things up, and what you get is as much a right leaning hardliner as you can get. But when it comes to supporting a candidate, I had much rather vote for the left-of-centre Congress than the right-of- centre BJP. Or I had very much root for Kerry against Bush.
I don't know why does this happen but it does. I sometimes think of myself as a split personality, with two faces. One is the selfish me, the jealous me, the greedy me, the proud me, the rightist leaning me, the neocon me, who believes that I am destined to rule this earth, and which leads me to behave so selfishly which the other me wouldn't even dream of. The other me is how most people see me, or rather how I want them to see me, the selfless me, the innocent me, the modest me, the liberal me, the generous me. It tells me to take it easy and get real "satisfaction" and "happiness" through unselfish acts. Money, or fame, doesn't matter to this me, and it just wants to do what I enjoy. But maybe I enjoy pissing off other people. What does the good me do then? Or maybe I am not sure. Or maybe I am just plain confused.
I don't even know the real me, and I believe that people take me for one of the two faces that they know. So its hard for me to be honest to anybody, as much as I might try. Even I don't know that what I do, why I do it, and what is the outcome. Life, rather much like shit, happens. My thoughts fluctuate between the two extremes and I am never able to control them. When the "bad" me takes over, I get hyper, and am rude to everyone around. It is only when the bad me wanes away that I am able to undo my past actions, but not everything can be undone.
I am Cain, and I am Abel; both the victim and the criminal. I have no instinct, my emotions betray me. I am always speaking the truth, and I am always lying. I am aimless, and I have the ultimate aim.
If you have read so far, I will give you a reward for your perseverance of going through such a piece of life (I probably meant shit here, but for me, its all the same). The two me aren't exactly opposite . They agree on only one thing: They both love the girl I love. But then she doesn't like me, so it is all pretty useless. And then suddenly, they fall apart again: while the good me tells me to let her go, the other wants me to keep knocking at her door, and win her over. I don't know whom to listen to. I am confused. And then there is only the ultimate truth to which I can agree whole heartedly, and the only one I can believe in : I love her.


Ankur Shanker said...

hey zubin..that was really straight from the heart..and after reading it i can say that we r not much different..we think alike in many ways...And about the love i wud say you just dont get it when u need it the most!!

feignman said...

oh i dont wanna sound negative at all, m just curious..would you have felt the same love, i mean the same passion for her that you feel now, if today she was with you, won over??
you may choose to or not to answer the question but i would like it if u do..