Monday, December 20, 2010

The Drinking Conundrum

You are at a party. There is this hot girl you want to talk to. Actually, there are many hot girls at the party, and you wish to talk to any of them - but this girl is the one who has especially caught your eye today. However, for all your strengths, you are rather shy when it comes to talking to girls. For, while you have full faith in your IQ and intellect, this is not the first things that girls notice about you. For, the thing that stands out about you is your pretty impressive paunch. You like to call it the family pack, but that is a joke no one else really appreciates - especially not the hot chicks, like the one you have your eyes on.

You are also not helped by the presence of a number of hunks in the party, the more than six feet tall monsters, and while there seem to be an almost equal ratio of the two sexes - a situation you are not really used to, having studied in institutes where the female-per-male ratio ranged from 0 to 0.1, and having gone to work in offices where while the overall ratio was much higher at 0.5, when it came to your team, it was back to the familiar levels of 0-0.1 range - you know no girl will even notice you while those hunks are there. And you cannot help but wonder about challenging these guys to a game of Scrabble or Chess, and humiliating them and their measly minds. Just like they humiliate your physicality by being there. Also, you cannot help wondering about how unfair life is. You know any time you approach any girl, you will get rejected, and its the fear of rejection which stops you from doing anything. Which is why, this being a free booze party - may God grant a long life to your DU-educated cousin, and may your relations remain ever cordial, and may he continue inviting you to these awesome birthday parties with hot chicks, you pray to the almighty - you turn towards the booze and start staring at the target of your affection, who is being wooed by one of these monsters. And all you can do is drown one drink after the other. Which is good in a way, because the booze is rather limited, and you want to make hay, while the sun shines. Not only do you have drink after drink, in anticipation of the party Armageddon, you have Patiala pegs after Patiala pegs.

Now these large Patiala pegs have two immediate effects : a) It increases your courage, and drowns your rejection fears, b) It makes you more capable of irregular rambling, and your talks becomes less and less intelligent. There is a third, long term effect - which you will notice only the other day - is the loss of memory.

So now, as you might have guessed, your courage and your perceived intelligence are functions of the amount of alcohol in the blood. While your courage is an increasing function, the intelligence of your talking is a decreasing function. This is depicted in the graph below.



The graph makes it clear that there is a very specific number of drinks (depends on person to person), when it is safe to approach the girl. The moment you get the courage is when you should approach her. That is the only time you might be able to impress her with your intelligent talk. The moment you overdo the drinking part though, you have the necessary courage but you lose out on the intelligent bit - and as a result, your only window of opportunity.

Now the drinking conundrum is this. What if you are never able to reach the requisite number of drinks. What if your graph looks like this?



Because you wasted your chance on other girl last night, after rambling to her something you don't even remember. You remember talking and talking, and generally not making sense. As always. This is the 30th girl you have talked to in the year.
The drinking conundrum is killing you. You need a way out, but is there an exit? Or is it all for the best, and should you give in to the fangs of arranged marriage, that have already engulfed so many of your friends?

Questions, to which you have no answers. Even with your super-high IQ.

Or maybe it is high time to hit the gym.

21 comments:

Saurav said...

ZJS back to his graphical best, and giving some utility to charts and graphs.

PS: Frist

Witness said...

:)Run.Cut Alco.Be brave without it,it's more fun!(tried n tested).Laugh.Seek.Connect.:)I read yesterday"Paradise is an interesting idea to beguile the mind."Maybe so are answers:)

Rhythmn said...

loved it...
:)
and i feel that it is impossible to take a consultant out of u...

zubin said...

@Fatter: Thanks. You f(l)atter me. :D.
@Shweta: If it was this simple, I would do it in a heartbeat. :). Seriously.
@Ruchira: Thanks, Hehe. Keh do ki yeh jhooth hai!!

abhinav said...

awsum man....tune europe ke disk aur apni situation yaad diladi....

Anonymous said...

drop a hint about your salary?

zubin said...

@Sonkar: Europe mein to humaara kaafi better haal thaa. Especially standing on the doorsteps :).
@Anonymous: What do you do if you are unemployed?

Anonymous said...

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY Bhai!
hope you had a mazedar time.
next time throw a bash on bday and invite this cousin along with his chick friends.this time,
ask santa for a hotbabe on christmas.

dospuntocerovision said...

Fantastic blog. Congratulations!!!

zubin said...

@Anon: Thanks mate. Haha, okies :).
@Dospuntocerovision: Hola! Thanks a lot :).

lurker said...

One should rather get the girl tipsy and get some loose tongued fireworks.
For a tea totaler,what's a
"patiala peg"?

neha said...

is it only in phoren that girls hit on guys?you ever been eyed by a girl?

zubin said...

@Lurker: Haha, if it was that easy. For a teetotaler who smokes, who about a joint? Or 2 maybe. For a teetotaler who doesnt smoke, I guess he'll be confident enough in his own ability.
@Neha: Haha, you should answer the first question better. In India also they do, I think, but not to people like me. As for the second question, in India, no. And even if I have been (as I guess I was), I was too drunk to remember.

chalice said...

And much as Wine has played the Infidel
And robbed me of my robe of Honour, well ...
I often wonder what the vintners buy
One half so precious as the stuff they sell;)

VCOS said...

Well written, I think there is a third dimension of the intelligence percentage and the hotness of the girl you couraged up to talk to...

Shrey said...

Liquor is a crutch. You don't need it.
Watch Keys to the VIP for tips. Prepared routines work.

zubin said...

@Chalice: :).
@VCOS: Yep there is, but its just from the guy's side, the perspective.
@Shrey: hehe, knowing me, I definitely need the crutch. And the prepared routines - do they work in India too?

Shrey said...

@Zubin: they work even better, the girls have no defenses ready yet.
You just need to hook them early.

sayal said...

Given your physical state(bodywise)a woman would prefer Rahul Mahajan.
my question is-If you so desire a hot woman,why be a beanbag yourself?

Anonymous said...

saale bhadwe ki aulad..i wont abuse ur mother coz its nt her mistake..but u r the real fucking suwar..dam hai toh apne allah ke baarein mein likh ke bata ..jisne tujhe aisa culture or buddhi diya hai ki dusron ke dharm ka majak udaye..agar teri gaand mein dam hai sade huye tatti ke ashainiya durgandh toh apne uss allah ke baarein mein kuch likh yahan..kutte harami..gandi tatti ka makkhi..tujhe shrap lagega....

Antonio said...

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YOU CAN FIND ME http://softactivity.blogspot.com/