Mahabhrata - 6 : Gandhari, Kunti and Madri

The three princes all had different gifts. While Dhritrashtra was blind, he was very intelligent and physically strong. Pandu was pale but very handsome and was to become a great archer. Vidur, while not being physically very active, was very wise, and became an excellent strategist. So, when the three princes finished their training, it was time to choose a heir to the throne.
Having Pandu as the commander of the army, and Vidur as the Chief Minister, Dhritrashtra was expected to be given the kingdom as he was the eldest son. However, Pandu and Vidur had a secret deal (something which will be revealed later), and while the choice was being made by Satyavati, the two mothers-sisters-wives (Ambika and Ambalika) and Bhishma, Vidur stepped in, and said, "Strategy tells that the king is the symbol of the nation. Having a blind king will not give a nice image to our neighbours in this time of Bharatization. They will think of Hastinapur to be weak. Moreover, internally also crime might rise. Hence, it will not be a nice idea to make Dhritrashtra the king. Make Pandu the king, and we can have Dhritrashtra as his main advisor. I will go now" (and he exits). Satyavati (to Bhishma) :" What Vidur said was right, Pandu will probably make a better king, but it will be so unfair on Dhritrashtra, Is it his fault that he was blind?"
Ambika : "All right, you have reproached me enough, it was my fault. I am sorry. But what you told me was that I was going to have sex with my brother-in-law, and I thought it would be with Bhishma, it greatly excited me. So imagine my surprise when I found out it was the ugly ogre, and I could never take him without keeping my eyes closed. Ask Ambalika how she felt, who you instructed to keep her eyes open" ."It has been a long time, mother-in-law, but still I almost faint when I think about your ugly son. People say he has become a great sage, but he still needs lessons in sex. He was not sensitive at all, so unlike my Vichu. Mother, you could have persuaded Bhishma - he would be a nice fuck" agreed Ambalika. All this time, Bhishma was thinking, "just what all could I have achieved was I not gay", but he stayed quiet. Satyavati : "Shameless women, stop talking about your sexual encounters in front of your elder brother-in-law men. I have made my decision. Pandu is going to be the new king. Dhritrashtra is going to be his advisor, while Vidur will be made the Chief Minister. Bhishma will be there to oversee that everything is going fine." And so that was that. Pandu became the new king, and the next task that fell to Bhishma was to arrange for the marriages of the two princes. (He had a lot of experience in that) (Vidur, technically, could not be married to a princess). But which princess would want to marry the blind prince Dhritrashtra? He searched far and wide, finally learning about this princess who was away from material things, was very beautiful but moody and liked shutting herself off from the world. Some even rumoured she was psychologically depressed, had tried to commit suicide and was masochistic, and this is who Bhishma chose as Dhritrashtra's wife. This was princess Gandhari, the daughter of the king of Gandhar and the sister of Shakuni - widely considered to be the real villian of the Mahabharat.
When Gandhari's hand was asked for marriage by Bhishma, Shakuni and Gandhar agreed, thinking their sister was going to be King Pandu's wife. However, when they were told that it was a match for the blind prince, both refused out-rightly.
Shakuni: "Bhishma, we cannot agree to this match, my sister is so talented and beautiful, and is versed with the Vedas. She will have a million suitors. Why should we marry him off to your blind nephew. Why did you not ask her hand for Pandu?"
Bhishma: "Because, quite simply, it is rumoured that your sister is also depressed and masochistic. She can become a pain in the ass for a more able husband. With Dhritrashtra also being like her (being blind he also rambles and complains all day - especially now that he has not become the king) , she can actually feel better about herself. Moreover, if I spread this rumour, and coming from me, it will sound true, no one will marry her. So what is your choice?"
Gandhar: "You have us here, Bhishma, you are pretty smart. Gandhari, come out." (He goes in)
Gandhari: "What is it dad? I am cutting my veins."
Gandhar: "We are getting you married."
Gandhari: "I told you, I don't want to get married. It is supposed to be nice - and I hate nice. I am masochistic, you know"
Gandhar: "But this time, it is to a blind man, Dhritrashtra."
Gandhari: "Really, wow, dad it is so cool. I would love it. What is better than this - being married to a blind man. Moreover, to increase my suffering, I will put on a band on my eyes, and not remove them. You know, how much I hate looking at this world - it is full of dumb people. And think, what all can I tell people - I did it because of my husband. Then it will be like a wedding of two blind people. Moreover I will be immortalized in history. I love this plan."
Gandhar: "Do whatever, I am sending you off with Bhishma, Shakuni is coming with you. Have a great wedding." Gandhari:"Thanks again, dad".
Gandhar (To Shakuni): "I think we got a good deal here. "
Shakuni: "No dad, even if we did, Bhishma defeated me in negotiations, and I hate losing. I will take revenge. I will defeat him sometime."
And so Gandhari is married to Dhritrashtram with great pomp and show, living with her eyes closed with a white band, becoming an epitome of Sati-Savitri in the later generations.
Meanwhile, Pandu had left to attend the swayamvara of Kunti, who was the most beautiful princess of that time and the daughter of king Kuntibhoj. She was actually the daughter of king Shoorsen (who was also paternal grandfather of Krishna), and was named Pritha, but she was adopted by the childless Kuntibhoj (who was best friends with Shoorsen) when she was yet a child and so the name Kunti stuck. Kunti grew up to be an obedient daughter, and so was very heartbroken to be told by Kuntibhoj, on her 16th birthday, that her parents were not her actual parents, and that her real parents had given her up. She was also told, in the same vein, that the famous sage Durvasa, who was famed for his anger, had decided to put his ass in their kingdom and that, as the eldest daughter of the household, it was her responsibility to see that Durvasa got everything he wanted. Kunti knew what that meant - Kunti for the next one year, was to become a slave for Durvasa, fulfilling his every fantasy - but she accepted, for she too wanted to experience sex. After an year, on her 17th birthday, Durvasa said, "I have had enough fun with you. You have given me great BJ's, and I have had the wildest sex with you. The condom that I have used also ensures that you will have no children from sex with me.I am very happy with you. I have to leave now, becuase that is why we are called sages. However, before going I will offer you two gifts - I will restore your virginity. Moreover, I think your pussy is the one which is made for the gods, hence I will give you a secret mantra through which you will be able to have sex with Gods of your choice. You can have all the divine sex you want. However, there is a small catch - Gods dont use condoms, so be careful. " "Yeah, I wanted to be a bad girl. Thanks o rishi - I will exercise discretion" said Kunti, and that was the end of that.
So on her 17th birthday, Durvasa left, arming Kunti with a secret mantra. She was alone now, remembering the crazy things Durvasa had done to her, and she also used to pleasure herself. However, one day all alone, she was in the act when she saw the setting sun and got dreaming about the Sun-god skimming her juices, and she chanted the mantra remembering the Sun god. And lo, in front of her, in flesh, was the sun himself, so handsome. Kunti:"Right now, I have those days of the month, you know. I was just testing this secret mantra, and guess what it works. So now see, I want you, but not now. So I will call you later, and we can have fun. Or if you have a condom, come and lets play."
Sun God : "Condom - what is that? Stop the talk and come lets play." And he gets naked, after which Kunti had trouble remembering anything but pure ecstasy. She forgets all about her periods, and the next thing she remembers, is the sun waking up and saying, "its time for me to rise, and you too. I think the way we hit off was great. I know now you are gonna be pregnant with my son, who is going to be the greatest warrior ever. Name him Karna, and I think he will be born with natural kavach (armour) and kundal (earrings). You know - I am a God, I can do anything, so I also restore your virginity, so enjoy."
Kunti : "But what about the world, what will people say about an unmarried mother?"
Sun: " That is your problem. And yeah - havent you heard the ultimate abortion song. If you havent, I love singing it - Yeh waqt nahin hai, ..."
Kunti: "Yes I have, I think it is boring. So if you dont care about the child, neither do I. I will abort him."
Sun: " You cannot abort my son, bitch. If you do, I will burn you down with my rays. Do you want that. Think of some other way. And now that the rooster has cuckooed , time to go."
Kunti: "Bye, I have thought of a way. This was great - will you come back again?"
Sun : "Can't even if I want to. Didn't Durvasa tell you this works only for one night, with one god."
Kunti: "Shit, he duped me." (And Surya disappeared as suddenly as he had come).
All through her pregnancy she stayed away from the public, and even her own foster parents didn't know what was wrong with her. She decided to act normally, but when her belly grew, she decided to hide from her parents, by telling them she was going on a trip with friends. And she found accomodation in a hut, and there delivered Karna, who was born with Kavach and Kundal. As soon as Karna was born, Kunti took him on the banks of the Ganga, placed the child on a basket, and let him afloat - "I am sorry to do this, but you know, I am a virgin, and I am not supposed to carry a child - what will people say?" And off went Karna, carried by the waves of the Ganga.
Meanwhile, Kunti came back, and started living her pre-Durvasa life, and at her 20th birthday, her foster parents announced, "We are going to arrange your swayamvara. You are so beautiful, you are going to make every prince in India want you, but just look out for the king of Hastinapur - heard he is the MEB around." and she replied, "sure". And so her swayamvara was announced, which witnessed kings and princes from all around India. Pandu was also there, having tanned himself through a new tanning machine. He was the most eligible bachelor around, and with the paleness hidden, looked pretty handsome. So Kunti chose him over the others, and off they were married in great pomp and show. And Pandu brought her to Hastinapur as the new queen.
However, for whatever protection Kunti took, the rumours flew, and Bhishma heard them about Kunti's character, her one night stand with the sun-god and her later pregnancy. He thought, "I will confirm the story." But before he could, Pandu had already gotten married to her, and Bhishma was aghast. He decided to keep the secret within himself, (about Kunti's pregnancy), "Another bitch in the family, why are all straight men in this household cuckolds?" And he thought, "I need another good wife for Pandu - never before has anyone in this family ever got a wife without my help, and I am really good at this job and moreover, I love being the matchmaker". So Bhishma had Pandu marry Madri, the sister of King Shalya, the king of Madras region, in that time. In part, this was part of a treaty between Hastinapur and Madras. Pandu got many lands from Shalya and also got Madri, while Pandu drew away Shalya's enemies, and annexed their kingdoms. Madri was a sizzling hot young piece, and when Pandu returned from the annexations, with Madri at her size, Kunti was aggrieved, but the love making abilities of Madri soon won her over. Madri specialized in lesbian sex, and had soon made Kunti swooning for her. The three of them (Pandu, Madri and Kunti) indulged in threesomes like no tomorrow, and Pandu decided to take a break from ruling the kingdom, and decided to go on honeymoon, with his two new wives, making Dhritrashtra the king in his stead. And that is when Dhritrashtra's ambiition was fuelled, leading to the Mahabharat.