Mahabharat 10: The Advent of Drona

Kripacharya and Kripi were twins of the Brahmin Shardwan and an apsara Janapadi. Contrary to other Brahmins, Shardwan was a great archer, and threatened by his valour, Indra send his apsara Janapadi to seduce him. Shradwan was hunting on the banks of the Ganga river when he noticed Janapadi. He had been immune to female form before, having his desires under control, but as soon as she saw the beautiful apsara, Shradwan lost all control, and had a big hard on. He could not control himself when the apsare came over and started touching his bare chest. What also helped was that it was soon turning dark, and these two bodies lay over one other on the weeds. Soon he was sucking her beautiful and heavy breasts, while she was giving him a hand job. Shardwan felt in heaven - literally, for he had an apsara from heaven - and soon they were into the real thing. Shardwan enjoyed every minute of it, it was his first time, and that too with an apsara!!! But while he wanted to make her his bitch, she requested him not to impregnate her, and so he had to cum all over her breasts and mouth. However, a part of his seed and the apsara's wet juices, who had been turned on by the athletic Shardwan more than any Deva, also managed to find their way into some weeds, and parted those weeds into two parts, and there - in a process which can only be defined as test tube babies - were born Kripa and Kripi, nine whole months later.
As soon as the sex was over, and Shardawan lay panting over Janapadi's naked body, Shardwan knew he had been fooled by Indra, as Brahmins lost most of their valour after being seduced by Apsaras. He then told Janapadi to go back to heaven, and resumed his archery lessons, caring nothing about the embryos they had left there in the jungle. The embryos survived rain and heat, and as soon as they were born, were picked up by Shantanu, who was passing that way - in one of those moments when he travelled along the Ganga daily after Ganga had left him. The boy Kripa became the official Guru of the Hastinapur court, while Kripi grew up to be a beautiful brahmin girl, who was married off to Drona, a Brahmin who had become famous as the greatest archery teacher of all times.
Now Drona's birth also has a peculiar story. His father Bhardwaj was a very famous sage, who was going to take a bath with his other sages, again in the river Ganga. This happened in Dehradun (which means a clay pot in Sanskrtit), where he beheld a beautiful apsara named Ghritachi who had come to bathe. Seeing her, even the sage Bhardwaj lost all control, and started masturbating. Because he was a sage who wanted to rid himself from all attractions and so was furious at himself even as he was openly masturbating seeing the apsara. And so as not to let his semen go waste, he captured his semen in a pot (Drona), read some mantra into it, and out sprang Drona - who later boasted that a woman was not even involved in making him.
Drona spent his childhood in poverty as the child of the renowned sage Bhardwaj. His father taught him Vedas, and the use of arms. Bhardwaj was also a friend of the powerful Panchala king Prishata, whose son Drupada was of almost same age as Drona. Drupada was sent to Bhardwaj's ashram as his student, and soon gained the knowledge of arms to become one of the best archers, while Drona became more engrossed in Vedas, like his father. A great friendship fostered between Drupada, who despite being a prince was very down to earth, and Drona, who was very intelligent, which Drupada appreciated. Being the students of the same teacher, Drupada even told Drona one day : "One day when I will become the king, Drona, I will give half of my kingdom to you, as a mark of our friendship. People will remember us for ages to come."
But then their education ended, and Drupada returned back to being the prince, while Drona became a sage like his father. In those days, in the absence of mobile phones and internet, it was pretty difficult to keep in touch, and so Drona only knew of Drupada's well being when a passerby told him that Drupada's father was now dead, and that Drupada was the new king, which made Drona feel happy for his friend. By this time, Drona's father, the great sage Bhardwaj, had also ascended to heaven.
The matchmakers of the area got the bachelor Drona married to Kripi, the beautiful sister of Kripa, and it was the start of a beautiful friendship between Kripa and Drona, two great teachers to be. Drona was on cloud nine after the marriage. It was his first time with a girl, and the memory of the sweet wedding night remained engrained in his mind for time to come. He had never been told the secrets of a woman's pleasure by his father, so he continued to explore the body of his new wife, and was happy. He soon became a father, exactly nine months after his wedding night. The boy child was beautiful but neighed like a horse instead of crying out when he came out of his mother's womb, at which an aakashwani was heard : "This boy neighed like a horse, so name him Ashwathama." In those days, aakashwanis were as sacrosanct as deadlines are in IIMC today, so it was followed.
It was love at first sight. Drona could never imagine any child as beautiful as his own. As time progressed, Ashwathama looked up to his father, a fact that made him very happy (in fact the only fact that made him happy) : for lets face it, Drona, for all his knowledge of Vedas and the arms, was a LOSER, who still made up his living mostly by begging for alms. He did not want to take ordinary students in his gurukul, and the admission criteria being very tough, and he did not get students in his gurukul like his father used to. So he made ends meet mostly by begging and hunting and his wife, who had given up her palatial status, was always reminding him about his poverty after the honeymoon ended. So the day that Kripi came to know that Parshuram, the renowned teacher, was giving away all his possessions, she sent Drona to ask him for his money - for Parshuram was a very rich sage. However, by the time Drona reached, all of his worldly possessions were taken and Parshuram was left with was weapons and his knowledge of those weapons. He didn't take students easily, but Drona was said to be a pretty fast learner, and so he asked Drona if he wanted his knowledge of weapons, to which Drona remembered his wife's stern words: "Don't come back unless you get something from Parshuram. Beg, borrow or steal, but do come back with something.", and therefore agreed to be Parshuram's student. Being a Brahman and having knowledge of arms from his father, Parshuram gave him all his weapons and told him his secrets and instructed him to become a great teacher. Drona went back to his village- it was a long arduous journey - feeling very happy, about getting Parshuram's weapons and his secrets, and how Parshuram had predicted that Drona will become a great teacher.
One day,Ashwathama was playing with his friends - all of whom were well to do - and saw them drinking something from a glass, and he innocently asked, "What is this?" To which his friend replied. "It is milk. It is very tasty." And Ashwathama asked,"Can I have some, never before have I tasted it", to which his friends laughed. They said, "This is finished, let us get some more for you." Now these rich kids wanted to have a bit of fun at Ashwathama's expense, so they put some water to rice, mixed it well, and told Ashwathama, "Here this is milk. Have it." And Ashwathama drank it well and with pleasure, and danced around in pleasure, saying that, "I have tasted milk - Wow." By then the entire village had gathered to watch Ashwathama antics, and villagers were whispering, "Shame on Drona, who some say has now become a great archer, but his son cannot even afford to have milk, and drinks rice water as milk." As it so happened, Drona was just coming back from Parshuram's ashram, and overheard this last comment. Drona got incensed, and was further angered, when he saw Kripi crying over the treatment meted out to their son. Kripi asked him, "I hope you got us some money", to which Drona replied, "I just got more knowledge," to which Kripi retorted, "And when has knowledge fed anybody? You know how our child was made a fool of - and look how happy he looks. Why don't you kill me and our child rather than subjecting us to such poverty and scorn!" And that, when pressed by these charges of his wife, he blurted out, "Wait - I will do whatever is in my power - I am leaving this village. Pack you bags - We are leaving for Panchal tonight. The king of Panchal, Drupad, is my best friend. He will give me half a kingdom, he has promised me. We will live in richness ever after."
And so they packed their bags, leaving their ancestral village for good, Drona, Kripi and the young Ashwathama. All along the way, Drona kept boasting to Kripi about how Drupad will treat Ashwathama as his own son; and how he will give them a welcome fit for a king. Kripi was impressed by the talk- but had a lurking suspicion something would go wrong. And it did - horribly wrong. Drupad had just got married to a gorgeous princess, and all his time was spent having sex with her, or drinking - and he liked living life on a high. He had also grown proud of his immense wealth and his valour - for he had made the Panchal nation stronger than any other in the whole of Bharat. Also on that particular day - he had a bit more sex and a bit more alcohol, and he felt very high. So when Drona came up to his darbar, and said, "Friend - remember me - I am your friend Drona, welcome me, amigo.", Drupad just laughed, and taking the cue, the rest of the darbar, laughed with him. When the laughter stopped , Drupad told Drona, "Surely you are a fool, for you say that you are my friend, for only a fool will make such a statement. We might have been friends once - but then we were similar for we were students. A king cannot be friend with an unworthy and poor Brahman like you. There can be no friendship being strong and weak, being wise and foolish, and as time conquers all, it has also conquered our friendship, so I am no longer a friend. Hence do not address me as your friend, but ask for alms as an ordinary Brahman, and I will let you have whatever you want." Drona was speechless with anger. He was not a man of many ambitions, but this insult left him fuming, and without saying a word, he took his wife and son and walked out of the court- his mind burning with desire for revenge. He thought of a plan - and told Kripi and Ashwathama, that they were going to visit her brother Kripacharya, and off they went to Hastinapur.

The 100th post - A time for introspection

"In a Galaxy far, far away." - This is my favourite line, and for obvious reasons.

I was created on 27th May, 2005, because - well I am not really sure why I was created, after all my creator never told me. I am not very sure he knows too (and between you and me, even if he did, he would have probably forgotten it by now, what will all the alcohol problem that he has had - and you know what they say about alcohol and memory, right?). But I am again going off the main point - which as many of my friends say is my main problem (there I do it again, I am so sorry, I just can't help it, can I?). Now the main point is this - I am here to introduce myself to you. And I could not think of a better way to start than by mentioning when I was created - so that you can work out my correct age, and pardon me if I seem a bit childish - because I am still just two years old.
Oops, but by now you must be wondering who am I for I haven't really told you my name. I am "Me, myself and I", the blog you stare at whenever you type www.anakinturnsevil.blogspot.com on your internet browser. Now, as my creator explained painstakingly to me the other day - we were celebrating our ninety nine posts together - www.anakinturnsevil.blogspot.com is the internet address where I live, and you have to come there to meet me. My creator - he is called Zubin, by the way, and I think it is a very strange name, but who am I to judge? - also tells me that my name lets other people know that I am his image in the internet world. Now I find it hard to understand this concept, for how can I be his reflection - for I am a separate entity, which I told him. Then he explained to me that I had no mind of my own - hello- and that I was just a collection of posts which his own mind thinks of and pens down - haha, he said pens down, which made me laugh, because I was like, you don't pen it down, you type it, and he said he used to term as a figure of speech. This angered him, somehow, he said he was going through a lot of stress, and that without him, I am nothing, and that he can any time leave me and start on a new blog, abandoning me altogether, and the thought made me tremble. So I apologised to him for laughing, and he continued, that I wasn't able to think and hence unable to come up with anything to do for myself without him. And I told him - "Sir - for I have to call him sir, after all he has created me - please give me a chance to prove you wrong. I have a mind, and its time you know that. "(You see, I don't, and can't do anything without approval from him, but to say I don't have a mind - that is rude, don't you think?). And he grew angry again at my insolence, and closed my door (shut off his computer), but two days ago, he was very happy, and told me - "I am very happy today, and so make you an offer. I am letting your thoughts - if you have any, even though I don't believe so - to appear on you. The next post on this blog (which meant me) will be your thoughts. I want a break from the Mahabharat series I am doing anyways, and I have no time for introspection. After all, I just got a job. Its time to party - so write a post and publish it. And just to make people happy, I will write the subject line." And he went out of the room, and hasn't returned to me yet. Must be partying.
So well, I finally get a chance to talk to all you people out there, just you and me, without that Zubin and his thoughts in between. It is a big moment for me, and I am sure, for you as well to meet the real me. So I made a small poem for the occasion. Hope it goes well with you:

We meet here for the first time,
Just you and me, without those extra, stupid thoughts,
and you can confirm I have a splendid mind,
for I just made up this brilliant note.
I am sure this is brilliant for a two year old, but you have got to confirm it.
So tell me, isn't this nice? It is short and sweet, right?
(My friends say brevity is not my cup of tea, so I had to give it to them in their face).

Now that we have broken the ice, let us talk about other things. Well, the only things you have known about me, have been things that Zubin has told you. It might or might not be true.
For example, did you know that Zubin is prone to delete the entire post after he has written it - but before publishing. He has done it a lot of times before and I am sure going to finish it in one go - so as not to give him a chance to change his mind, which he does regularly. And has he told you he is more comfortable with his parents now than he has been for the past one quarter of a century. Or that he thinks of girls as nothing more than sexual and dancing objects now - which is in part a good thing, I will have to admit - because he has been heartbroken a lot of times before. And that he considers himself to be very lucky to be able to get along into the best institutes without knowing anything at all. And that he is finally happy with himself, and at peace with the world, especially after getting a pretty decent job offer.
But much about him. This post is about me, and as I was saying, this is also my 100th post. I feel great today and complete. When I was created, I had no idea I will come so far. Zubin has many times threatened me with deletion, and has ignored me a lot in the past as well. But I hold no grudges against him. He has me as a friend when all other friends have left him, and I guess he knows it, that is why he takes me for granted. But today, I am sure he feels as happy for my 100th post as I feel for him getting a job.
I have been through a lot in the past 99 posts you know. I haven't really liked being posted about our ancestors and gods made to be sex-hungry animals. Nor I have liked the use of such words as f*** on myself. Neither have I liked people stopping to read me because it depressed them. But well, I am my creator's creation, and I have to just be a medium for his thoughts, and I cannot really complain. I have borne the brunt of his mood swings, and been the paper for his sexual Mahabharat. I have also been his confidante in matters of love, and about life. Now that I think about it - he is very philosophical.
But I guess all that is changing now. I am hoping I go into a new level as far as my reading audience is concerned, and that people like what they read when they type my name on the internet browser. I am funny now, and humorous, and sexy. People tell Zubin, who tells me, that they like me, and I am happy about that. I am tired now though because it has been a long and arduous journey I have been through suicidal posts as well, and posts which say foolish things like "Love makes a world go around" - which I think is totally stupid, personally - and posts which talk about life at IIT - which is a rather loser place, I must say, even though he will blow at the idea. I have posts about nightclubs in US and France, and also parties at IIMC - which just scores below IIT on the cool scale, which is not saying anything at all- and all these have just made me realize that let me enjoy the present cool phase while I can.
You never know when his mood can change. So here is to a happy and satisfied me, and a funny and humorous me. And let us continue the sexy Mahabharat, for the benefits of the general public. And from now on, having proved I have my own mind, I will try telling him to get better when he feels low. And if you liked the poem above, here is more:

So here I complete a hundred posts,
wow - and am so happy about the fact
and am hopeful I continue to attract,
your comments, so that I don't feel morose.
Its also been great meeting you today,
while hoping you feel the same too,
and even though I don't know you,
I was waiting for this from my very first day.
Thanks for helping me reach this landmark,
for if it wasn't for your sweet appreciation,
Zubin would have left me for cancellation,
and I would have lost all my spark.
So, dear reader, I would like you to tell Zubin this,
that his blog has a mind of its own,
its a mind that has fast grown,
and will soon probably be maturer than his.

Mahabharata 9: The Kauravas and the Pandavas - 2

Kunti was sad. The jungle life didn't quite go with her. She was a city girl, who loved parties and the adulation of the public. Even the birth of her three children, Yudhishtra, Bhima and Arjuna, had been unable to give her life a meaning. She still often brooded about her eldest son, Karna, the son of the Sun-God, Surya, whom she had thrown into the river for fear of someone finding out about her affair with the God, for pre-marital sex was banned at that time. She knew that there was a very small chance of him still being alive, but she knew somehow (mother's instinct) that he was still alive, and moreover, doing well for himself. And she also knew that his armour and earrings distinguish her eldest son from anyone else on earth, and if she were to ever see him, she would recognize him at once. "And then what would I do?" she often wondered, and she never could come up with the answer.
Meanwhile, the Pandavas were growing up hale and hearty, and Pandu was still making along by masturabating for sex was a strict no-no. To tease him, Madri and Kunti were acting more and more like lesbian partners. Pandu, being pained by Madri's confession that she had not one, but two Gods inside her at the same time (which lead to the birth of Nakul and Sahadeva, the twins) had banned any more sex for both Madri and Kunti, which led them to seek each other. The Pandavas were being taught by the sadhus in the jungle, and their mothers saw to it that they knew that the Hastinapur kingdom was technically theirs for the taking, for their father (foster-father) was the king of Hastinapur, fallen upon bad days. And so the years passed.
Till the day Pandu lost it. Quite literally. It was the twelfth birthday of Arjuna, and the entire family was busy with the birthday celebration. Madri was looking really sexy in her new dress, and Kunti too, as always, but Pandu was really sad. He had been denied sex for so long, and while he had taken to masturbation a lot, it wasn't quite the real thing. The entire family was busy in cutting the cake and feeding the sadhus. The lustful eyes with which the sadhus were lechering at his two wives, made him even sadder. And the body language of Madri and Kunti also showed him that even they didn't mind the passes being made by the sadhus, through their double meaning sentences, (such as "tumhara doodh bahut accha hai", at which Kunti just said, "Aur piyo rishiji, humaare pati to ab hamara doodh pee hee nahin sakte", and they all had laughed, all except Pandu, who felt humiliated). He was being made the cuckold here, and he certainly did not like it. "Keep some standard, women" he wanted to shout out to his two wives, who, as far as he knew, only had sex before with him or gods (leaving aside Kunti with Vidur, of course, but even Vidur was a god incarnate according to Ved Vyasa), and stooping themselves to saadhus' would bring disgrace to the family. But seeing the lust in the brahmins' eyes also turned him pretty horny. He could see what all was he missing - the figures of his two wives had not changed much even after giving births - and he knew at that moment, that he wanted sex. Taking Madri by her waist, he took her into the bedroom and kissed her. Madri was overcome with this show of emotion by Pandu, and while her flesh was willing to go the full distance - it had been 11 long years since she last had sex- she calmed herself, and told Pandu to stop. "Please stop, dear husband - or you will die." Pandu: "But I can't, and this life is not worth living after all. I prefer death to such a life - and what better way to die than in the arms of ones beloved. So come lets fuck." And he starts sucking those wonderful globes. Madri: "But this is wrong hubby. I can't be the reason for you to die. mmm...but it feels so good, keep doing it. Don't stop." And as you can guess now, Madri had sex for the first time after 11 years, while Pandu had after 16 long years. They had soon gotten naked and enjoyed many sexual positions, forgetting all about the curse Pandu was under. It was the best sex anyone had ever enjoyed, and Madri was still moaning "harder, harder" when Pandu's face suddenly went white. He had sweat spots on his face, and he had fallen dead while ejaculating into Madri. Madri let out a huge cry, "Kunti Didi" which made Kunti leave the celebrations and run into the bedroom, to see Madri in bed with her husband who was now dead.
Kunti:"Husband, what has happened? Bitch, what have you done?" (Starts crying).
Madri: "I am sorry, but I just could not stop myself - or him. I am really sorry. Forgive me sister."
Kunti: "Now who will care for us now? What will we do without a husband?"
Madri: "Didi, let us prepare the funeral site. I, being responsible for Pandu's death, will burn along with it. But promise me, Didi, that you will take care of Nakul and Sahadev as your own sons."
Kunti: "Pandu has already left me. Now you want to leave too. But what will I do without you two? I am sorry for calling you a bitch - please don't leave me. Just be here, and we can think of something."
Madri: "Didi, I am sorry, but I cannot bear the guilt of being responsible for his death. So let me go as well. And please promise me."
Kunti: "I promise Madri, but tell me - how did he feel after all these years? You were lucky I must say, for having seen Pandu in his greatest glory after so long."
Madri:"He was great sister, it was so much fun, and after having had experienced it, it is better to die than to live, and so let me burn along with my husband."
And so Madri sits on the funeral pyre along with the body of her deceased husband, and burns alive. This was later mouldedd into the tradition of Sati in India.
Hearing about Pandu's death and Madri's subsequent sati, the entire Hastinapur clan was mournful. Pandu had been apparently a great king, grandson, son, nephew, brother and husband. After the mourning period was over, Bhishma himself went to Kunti in the jungle and told her to come back to the Hastinapur palace along with the five Pandavas, to take their rightful place as princes. So Kunti came back to the Hastinapur palace, to live as a queen, and the five Pandavas, got some new friends - their Kaurava cousins. Pandavas and their mother got a new apartment within the palace walls, and enjoyed the change from the forest life they were used to.
Meanwhile, all the Kauravas were deeply influenced by their big brother, Duryodhana - all except Yuyutsu, the step-brother. Meanwhile, Duryodhana himself was under the spell of his maternal uncle, Shakuni, who had told him all this while, that being the eldest son of the eldest son (Dhritrashtra) Duryodhana deserved to be the new king of Hastinapur after his father. And all of Shakuni's efforts were towards making Duryodhana believe it himself. Duryodhana for his part showed signs of greatness even when he was quite young. The training of the Kauravas started early - when they were just twelve infact - and Duryodhana was easily the best among them. The training was conducted by Kripacharya, the in-house teacher who had also taught Dhritrashtra, Pandu and Vidura. Kripacharya also had a sister, Kripi, who was married to the great teacher, Drona.
So when the Pandavas joined the Kauravas, Bhishma suggested that the Pandavas train too under Kripacharya, and they did. Duryodhana, who never before had any competition to his stature as the best, could not get used to the idea of someone surpassing him, which is what Yudhishtra did in the political sciences department, while Bhima beat him in strength. Moreover, Duryodhana could not quite come to terms with the fact that while earlier he was the adored one, the affections of his parents and grandparents, and even great grandmother Satyavati were divided among the Kauravas and the Pandavas. Only Shakuni, his maternal uncle, loved him as much as before, he thought. And as the others withdrew from him, he grew closer to Shakuni, whose mind was still on defeating Bhishma, and in Duryodhana, he finally had a weapon. And there lay the seed of the discord, which ultimately led to the Mahabharat.

Mahabharata 8: The birth of Krishna

While all the sex was happening in the Paurava side of the Yayati family, the Yadavas were not too behind. The Yadavas had broken down into many different families of their own by the time of the Mahabharat. One of these families was the kingdom of Mathura, run by King Ugrasen, and by his son Kamsa. The other prominent Yadav family was that of King Shoorsen (the real father of Kunti), and his son Vasudeva. Vasudeva had many wives, and was a good friend of Kamsa, who was a great warrior but was also a cruel ruler. He was also terribly lazy, so instead of the hunting ploy used by the Hastinapur kings, Kamsa used to devour the tastiest virgins of his kingdom by force in his own palace, sending his soldiers out to get them. And is it turns out, he was not very smart or anything, and he really liked to torture his 'catch' during the entire night. The citizens of the kingdom were often tortured, and their daughters were always in danger of being raped, but the king Ugrasen could do nothing about preventing his son's growing power. Kamsa, to his credit, had positioned Mathura as the dominant Yadava kingdom, and his marriage to the daughters of Jarasandha, the powerful king of Magadha, had managed to make him even more powerful. All Yadavas were afraid of him and the torture he meted out to those against him. So Vasudeva decided, in the interest of all the Yadavas to tell him that enough was enough, and that he should stop being such a tyrant on his citizens.
The Yadavas had the custom of having many wives. Vasudeva was a much married man (he already had seven other wives and had a good time - Yadavas, unlike the Pauravas believed in polygamy) and while he waited for a one to one with Kamsa on the matter of his cruelty, chanced to see Kamsa's cousin Devaki, barely eighteen then, (and from what we hear - pretty hot and sexy) and got a good hard-on seeing her. Knowing however, that he was not a Tom Cruise, when Kamsa finally came (after raping another virgin, he told him , "You know Kamsa, we have been such great friends. Why don't we become relatives as well."
Kamsa:"That's great. Which of your sisters can I marry? I have heard a lot about Kunti, the one your father gave away. Heard she has turned into a great beauty. It will be great to have her." Vasudeva: "No, no, Kamsa, I cannot get Kunti married. She is now the adopted daughter of Kuntibhoja, but..."
Kamsa: "..What about your other sisters then? Can't I marry any of them? They are all hot, from what I hear."
Vasudeva: "But they all are already married. And moreover, I came to talk about my marriage, not yours."
Kamsa: "Your marriage? But you are already married, and that too seven times, aren't you, while I am married only twice - and that too largely being political wedocks - to the daughters of Jaransadha? What are you proposing though, by the way?"
Vasudeva: "You know about your cousin, the daughter of your father's younger brother, Devaki. Has not she just turned eighteeen? And what better husband for her than your very good friend, me. I will keep her so happy (and she will keep me so happy as well), and it will be a grand wedding. Moreover, the kingdoms of Shoorsen and Ugrasen will unite."
Kamsa (pondering for a while): "What you say makes sense, Vasudeva. We can arrange for your marriage to Devaki. Is it why you came all the way? To ask for Devaki's hand?"
Vasudeva: "And there is another small matter, Kamsa. The citizens of your kingdom are tired. You are all powerful, as you are, but could you be a little less cruel to your subjects?"
Kamsa: "Are you telling me to change my intrinsic nature? Then that is not possible. And the marriage can be re-negotiated if you want."
Vasudeva: "No no, forget it. I had come to ask for Devaki's hand."
Kamsa: "It is yours, my friend - and infact is all of her body (evil grin). Let us have a grand wedding."
Vasudeva: "But what about Devaki's consent. Will she agree?"
Kamsa: "How does her consent matter? She will marry wherever I tell her to marry, and that's that. " (Calls his minister): "Begin the preparation for the grand wedding."
And so there was a great wedding. Kamsa proved to be the ideal brother, hosting the lavish affair. It is said it could put Laxmi Niwas Mittal's daughter marriage to shame. Great many maidens were given as gifts to the guests, and all citizens of Mathura were to provide all their produce to cater for the wedding. All was going well for Vasudeva - the wedding was complete, and Kamsa was drawing the chariot to take the two when tragedy stuck, through an Aakashwani, which said: "Kamsa, the eighth son of Devaki will be a cause of your downfall." Hearing this, Kamsa pulled out his sword and proceeded to kill Devaki herself, but was stopped by Vasudeva, who promised to send the eighth born of Devaki to Kamsa as soon as he was born, for Kamsa to kill him. However, Kamsa, being the cruel ruler that he was, also demanded that all of Devaki's sons be brought to him, which was agreed to immediately by the horny Vasudeva.

Anything I can do to let me screw your cousin sister." And so off they went, Devaki and Vasudeva, to the kingdom of Shoorsen, where Devaki lived as the eighth wife of Vasudeva. And though Vasudeva divided his time among his wives, he was a bit more affectionate towards Devaki, who got pregnant in quick time. A son was born, who was carried off to Kamsa, who mercilessly killed the child. As time went by, Kamsa got more and more threatened by the yet to be born child, and killed off six of Devaki's sons, as soon as they were born. By this time, Kamsa had also managed to annex Shoorsen's and other Yadavas kingdoms for himself. He even took full control of the kingdom of Mathura, taking his own father as a prisoner and also made Vasudeva and Devaki prisoners. He had them put under the darkest cell of his prison, and had his best security guards to guard them from escaping. What really rattles everyone in this story is, as to why did he allow Devaki and Vasudeva to be together all this while - to let them produce six offsprings? Well, after much research, I have come to the conclusion that the Aakashwani mentioned just Devaki's son and she might have had other kids, who were not technically Vasudeva's. You get what I mean, right? So well, Kamsa was not as stupid as might look at first sight. He allowed them their pleasures, but kept his eye firmly on Devaki's stomach. (That's a metaphor, btw). And so there were news that Devaki was pregnant with her seventh child, but with a bit of divine intervention involved, the womb was transferred from Devaki to Rohini, the eldest of Vasudeva's wives, who had escaped Kamsa's rage by living as a common villager in Nand Gaon, a suburb of Mathura. (Heard of surrogate mothers- we Indians had it all before the west even started). Meanwhile it was reported to Kamsa that Devaki's seventh child was born dead. As it turned out, the kid that grew up in Rohini's womb grew up to be Balarama, considered to be an incarnation of the SheshNag. Meanwhile, Devaki got impregnated again (with the eighth child), around the same time that Kunti was carrying Arjun in her womb, and this time the kid was born in the prison itself, but somehow (with divine help again) managed to escape from prison as soon as he was born. He was taken by Vasudeva, (who came back to the prison to decieve Kamsa) , to the house of Nand in Nand Gaon, where he was named Krishna, and adopted by Nand's wife, Yashodha. Krishna is believed by many to be an incarnation of the God Vishnu himself. As it passed, Kamsa knew he had been fooled, and went on a manhunt to capture Krishna, and sent many demons as well, but Krishna, helped by Balarama, managed to kill them all, and finally killed Kamsa himself - to fulfil the prophecy. And Ugrasen again became the new king of Mathura, while Krishna and Balarama became princes. Order was restored - for now. Krishna and Balarama grew up as Yadava princes, the cousins of Pandavas through Kunti.

Mahabharata 7 : The Kauravas and the Pandavas

Remember the saying "Jungle mein Mangal". Now, Mangal refers to the planet Mars and Tuesday which as all astrologers will tell you, refers to number 3. Tuesday is the third day of the week, Mars is the third nearest planet from the sun (excluding Earth), and is also the third smallest planet. So well the origin of the saying is also from the Mahabharat, or rather the fest that I am not going to describe here, as children and girls might be reading this, but to cater to the larger male dominated market, let me just say that Pandu, Madri and Kunti indulged in positions which made it to the new edition of Kamasutra because even the sages had not thought of them. (For all those of you who think that Vatsyayana wrote the Kamasutra, here is the truth - Kamasutra was a magazine long before Vatsyayana, compiled by sages. Vatsayana just brought out a bounded cover copy of the same, a long time after Mahabharat, and rated these new positions - of threesome with two innovative women and a man- the highest). All this while, because Kunti and Madri were still below 20 (which was considered the healthy age for a girl to get pregnant), Pandu wore a condom. All this sex was acting as a relaxant after all those conquests and battles, and Pandu was ready to go back to rule his kingdom, when tragedy stuck. One day, while hunting (and contrary to his forefathers - Pandu hunted only for the thrill of killing animals, for he had the two sexiest beauties waiting for him back home), Pandu saw this mating deer couple. Now, as the relationship between Pandu and his two wives was so sex-crazy, Pandu thought a dead dear couple mating in the bedroom would be a good simulant to have sex (no they did not have 7x porn those days, but people's preference have not changed since), and so decided to kill them both with one arrow. As soon as the arrow stuck the deer and doe, however, they changed form, revealing a sage mating with his wife. (Sages knew a lot those days - they could change form as wll, in case you were wondering), and yells of human pain and suffering filled the entire jungle. Pandu was shocked, and as soon as he reached the sage begged for forgiveness. But the sage was livid and dying, along with his wife, and it is very difficult to placate an angry sage, dying or otherwise. And here comes the most sex filled last words ever.
Sage : O Pandu, I was mating with my wife, because she was feeling horny (now, you know where does that word come from - horny means with horns). We try sex turning into different animals, and it was always great. But you have ruined it.
Pandu: Sir, I am really sorry, I did not know you were a sage, I thought you were but a deer and doe mating, and there are no anti-poaching laws yet (and even if they are, I will repeal them), but can you teach me how to do this - i will turn into a horse - for obvious reasons.
Sage: Fuck you, Pandu (Or wait, Never fuck you!). You killed me at my most intimate moment with my wife. I am dying Pandu, and all because of you. Because I am a sage and I have the power to do it, let me curse you. I curse you that, because you killed me when I was having sex with my wife, the next time you have sex with yours - no wait, not your wife, but rather any woman - you will get a heart attack and die. And I even include kissing.
Pandu: No sir, I am really sorry, but I did it inadvertently. Please don't let me through this. I will die.
Sage : That is the whole point dude. (and so dies the sage, along with his wife).
Pandu gets back, tells his wives the whole story and says - "now what is the point in living, I will rather die. I don't want to go back to my kingdom. I will spend the rest of my life here. No sex, no life, and what will I do. And I cannot even fuck you two beauties anymore. So you too can leave now if you want - but I have decided I like it better here. It is healthy and moreover, I can cancel that deal with Vidur".
Kunti :"Which deal?"
Pandu :"Well it was nothing, but I have decided, I am staying here. You two can decide for yourself, but it will be better if you leave and take new husbands - I will myself vouch for your talent as loving and caring wives, with extra stress on loving (Wink)."
Kunti: "bastard, you fucked us both. Metaphorically, I mean. What will we do? We can leave you but then who else will marry us? Everyone prefers virgins, not divorced women like us. So what do we do - We married the MEB of his time, and now see. Hey God, why do I have to go through all this? Help me."
All Gods (Together): "which one is she calling - Do we all go?"
Sun God :"This is not the mantra, you horny bastards. The mantra is in Sanskrit. You will know when you are called. Right now, she is just crying."
All Gods : "Oh, shit. OK"
Madri: "Kunti sister - let us stay with him. Having us around and not being able to fuck us will complicate his misery. Anyways, the way these people at Hastinapur look at me freak me out. Also I like it here - I was never much of a city girl anyways."
Kunti: "But I loved the city. This is not done. But otherwise history will call me a bitch, so I will also stay. But then who rules the kingdom?"
Pandu: "My elder brother, Dhritrashtra of course. I will send a telegram soon telling them we are not coming back. Make Dhritrashtra the king. Anyway I am not going to have any sons now."
The news was recieved in Hastinapur with mixed emotions. While Dhritrashtra was very happy, Vidura was sad. Bhishma and the other elders decided that everything happens for the best and made Dhritrashtra the king and Gandhari the queen of Hastinapur.
Meanwhile in the jungle, Vidur came visiting Pandu, and reminded him of the deal. Pandu said "but now I am no longer the king, and so the deal stands cancelled. "
Vidur:"But you were the king, and so I did my part, and now I just ask for my payment. Anyways you might give a thousand arguments, but I am not the wisest person in these parts for nothing. I will have an answer to all those. So just compile by your promise."
Pandu:"All right, you got me there. Kunti come out."
Kunti: "What is it? I am busy with Madri. Okay, aahhh, I am coming" (Wow - what a pun, she thought).
Pandu: "I have to talk with you. I had a deal with Vidur, he helps me become the king, I let him father my first child. Now that today is your 20th birthday, he is here to fulfil the obligation. The first Pandava (Son of Pandu) which actually be son of Vidur, and he will be the only one. But noone can know about it."
Kunti: "What kind of a cuckold are you, Pandu? I was just going to tell you a secret - I have a mantra with which I can seduce Gods, and all you want me is to sleep with your younger step brother. This is not done - I had rather sleep with Gods, if you don't have a problem, rather I will do it even if you have a problem."
Suddenly Ved Vyas appears upon the scene, in the jungle from nowhere. Pandu, Vidur, Kunti and Madri get up to greet him, and Ved Vyas says, "I know all about Kunti's boom from Sage Durvasa. I know she can be bedded by any God, but Vidur is himself the incarnate of Dharam (Yama - the God of Death). It is a long story, but I will still tell it to you. Once Yama sent a sage to hell, and when the sage asked that why, after living such a pious life, should he be condemned to hell, Yama told him, "You were a very pious man, but in your childhood you killed and tortured many insects. It is a result of those sins. " And the sage, although dead, was still a sage, and so he cursed Yama that because Yama had judged his actions no-justly, Yama was to live on earth for one full generation. (Living on Earth is a curse for Gods staying in heaven). So Vidur is that incarnate. Or well, maybe he isn't but just to make the story interesting, I will make him an incarnation of Yama. And well if Kunti beds him, the child born out of the wedlock (!) will be called Dharamputra, and the way I will write this story will make it seem as if she bedded the Dharam God itself. You know I love Vidur the most among my three sons. I can do anything for him. Infact, I am going to immortalize you all by writing about you in my fictional book, which I have decided to name Mahabharata. And Vidur will be always on the right side - don't you guys worry."
Pandu, Vidur, Kunti and Madri (totally flabbergasted) : "Okay - whatever." And Vyas goes out.
Vidur: "So Kunti, is this that time of the month?"
Kunti: "Yes it is. Let us go."
Pandu: "Yes, you two enjoy as much, but I want to watch."
Madri: "Pandu, can I join them? You know I love threesomes."
Pandu: "No Madri, you can have all the lesbian with Kunti, but to see you with another man will kill me. You are my favourite wife. But you can watch them with me, but please don't touch me."
And Vidur had the time of his life with Kunti, who after the blazing Sun God, and the persistent Pandu with Madri, didn't really enjoy it much. So she decided, once this is done, it is going to be the real Gods - incarnations won't do.
And so Kunti got pregnant, with Vyasa telling Bhishma, Dhritrashtra and the elders at Hastinapur that the son to be born was the "gift" of Yama . Meanwhile, Gandhari had already announced her pregnancy to Hastinapur, which was awaiting its heir. However, nine months passed by, and nothing happened. The lump in Gandhari's stomach just grew, and she did not even feel the labour pangs. On the other hand, Kunti delivered a healthy boy, a boy they called Yudhishtra. Hearing of the birth of Yudishtra, Gandhari got totally psyched, and being the masochistic being she was, started hitting her bulging stomach, which led to a big mass of meat out from her vagina. She then started wailing - the thing she did best, and tried cutting her veins, before Ved Vyas appeared out of nowhere - now you know who is the real hero of the story.
Being a great sage, Ved Vyas took the lump of mass, divided it into a hundred and one pieces, and put them into different pots. He read some mantras into the pots, and told Gandhari that everything will be all right, and took her to a psychiatrist, where Gandhari stayed for an year. Meanwhile just six months after the birth of Yudishtra, Kunti told Pandu that she had enough of lesbian sex, and that she wanted a real man (or God) - Vidura won't do. Pandu agreed on the condition that he be allowed to watch them in the act, to which Kunti agreed, and on a windy day, seduced the wind god, Vayu, through the mantra. (Just her bad luck that she got really horny on days that were the in days for her - if you know what I mean). It was a night of wild passion, the petite Kunti under the strong Vayu, and turned Pandu on a great deal, though it was too much for Kunti to bear. "Next time it will be someone gentle." This one night stand produced the powerful Bhim after a whole nine months. (Ved Vyas in Hastinapur: "Kunti got another child gifted by the wind God"). A day after Bhim was born, Gandhari came back presumably cured and the first of the 101 pots opened in Hastinapur, and out came a child, Duryodhana, the first of the Kauravas . The next day, another pot cracked and a new child, Dushasan came out. Every day since, a pot opened for the next hundred days, culminating in the birth of Dushala - the 101st child, and the only girl among them. These 100 boys came to be called Kauravas, the heirs of Kuru, a great king in this lineage. Duryodhana was the leader being the eldest, albeit by only a single day. Moreover, while Gandhari was getting psychiatric lessons, and was away, Drithrashtra, had a single night stand with a slave, and foolishly got her pregnant, producing a prince who was called Yuyutsu, who was just a day younger to Duryodhana.
Kunti got horny again on a rainy day and called the rain god, Indra, who was also the king of the demi gods, into her bed. Pandu was there on watch again, doing well the only thing he could do now - masturbate. This was the second best sex Kunti ever had (after the Sun God, Surya), and she didnt want Indra to go, but he being a God, had to. This act culminated in the birth of Arjuna, considered to be among the foremost archers of his time. (By this time, you probably know what Ved Vyas told back in Hastinapur).
All this time, Madri was feeling left out, and so decided to ask Pandu's permission to bed someone herself. Pandu was aghast, explaining that she was his dearer wife, and if she was to go slutty, what would he be left with. But well, Kunti could understand Madri's frustration, and persuaded Pandu to give her one chance, and after much cajoling, Pandu agreed, but just one time, he said, and he also forbade Kunti from having any more outsiders. Kunti told her the secret Mantra, which Madri used, in all intelligence, on the twin Gods, Ashwini Kumars, the gods of medicine. (Madri had some pretty good fantasies, you see). This led to the birth of Nakula and Sahadeva, twin brothers, and sons of Madri. ( You must have figured out what news reached Hastinapur).
So now in case you are confused by this time, we have 100 Kauravas growing in Hastinapur, living in the comfort of the princely life, along with Yuyutsu and Dushala, while we have five children of different mothers and fathers, who were often teased by other children in the jungle about their parentage. To offend these five, someone proposed the name Pandavas (sons of Pandu), and the name stuck to them. (This is an old trick - giving someone name what he really is not). And so came the Kauravas and the Pandavas.

Mahabhrata - 6 : Gandhari, Kunti and Madri

The three princes all had different gifts. While Dhritrashtra was blind, he was very intelligent and physically strong. Pandu was pale but very handsome and was to become a great archer. Vidur, while not being physically very active, was very wise, and became an excellent strategist. So, when the three princes finished their training, it was time to choose a heir to the throne.
Having Pandu as the commander of the army, and Vidur as the Chief Minister, Dhritrashtra was expected to be given the kingdom as he was the eldest son. However, Pandu and Vidur had a secret deal (something which will be revealed later), and while the choice was being made by Satyavati, the two mothers-sisters-wives (Ambika and Ambalika) and Bhishma, Vidur stepped in, and said, "Strategy tells that the king is the symbol of the nation. Having a blind king will not give a nice image to our neighbours in this time of Bharatization. They will think of Hastinapur to be weak. Moreover, internally also crime might rise. Hence, it will not be a nice idea to make Dhritrashtra the king. Make Pandu the king, and we can have Dhritrashtra as his main advisor. I will go now" (and he exits). Satyavati (to Bhishma) :" What Vidur said was right, Pandu will probably make a better king, but it will be so unfair on Dhritrashtra, Is it his fault that he was blind?"
Ambika : "All right, you have reproached me enough, it was my fault. I am sorry. But what you told me was that I was going to have sex with my brother-in-law, and I thought it would be with Bhishma, it greatly excited me. So imagine my surprise when I found out it was the ugly ogre, and I could never take him without keeping my eyes closed. Ask Ambalika how she felt, who you instructed to keep her eyes open" ."It has been a long time, mother-in-law, but still I almost faint when I think about your ugly son. People say he has become a great sage, but he still needs lessons in sex. He was not sensitive at all, so unlike my Vichu. Mother, you could have persuaded Bhishma - he would be a nice fuck" agreed Ambalika. All this time, Bhishma was thinking, "just what all could I have achieved was I not gay", but he stayed quiet. Satyavati : "Shameless women, stop talking about your sexual encounters in front of your elder brother-in-law men. I have made my decision. Pandu is going to be the new king. Dhritrashtra is going to be his advisor, while Vidur will be made the Chief Minister. Bhishma will be there to oversee that everything is going fine." And so that was that. Pandu became the new king, and the next task that fell to Bhishma was to arrange for the marriages of the two princes. (He had a lot of experience in that) (Vidur, technically, could not be married to a princess). But which princess would want to marry the blind prince Dhritrashtra? He searched far and wide, finally learning about this princess who was away from material things, was very beautiful but moody and liked shutting herself off from the world. Some even rumoured she was psychologically depressed, had tried to commit suicide and was masochistic, and this is who Bhishma chose as Dhritrashtra's wife. This was princess Gandhari, the daughter of the king of Gandhar and the sister of Shakuni - widely considered to be the real villian of the Mahabharat.
When Gandhari's hand was asked for marriage by Bhishma, Shakuni and Gandhar agreed, thinking their sister was going to be King Pandu's wife. However, when they were told that it was a match for the blind prince, both refused out-rightly.
Shakuni: "Bhishma, we cannot agree to this match, my sister is so talented and beautiful, and is versed with the Vedas. She will have a million suitors. Why should we marry him off to your blind nephew. Why did you not ask her hand for Pandu?"
Bhishma: "Because, quite simply, it is rumoured that your sister is also depressed and masochistic. She can become a pain in the ass for a more able husband. With Dhritrashtra also being like her (being blind he also rambles and complains all day - especially now that he has not become the king) , she can actually feel better about herself. Moreover, if I spread this rumour, and coming from me, it will sound true, no one will marry her. So what is your choice?"
Gandhar: "You have us here, Bhishma, you are pretty smart. Gandhari, come out." (He goes in)
Gandhari: "What is it dad? I am cutting my veins."
Gandhar: "We are getting you married."
Gandhari: "I told you, I don't want to get married. It is supposed to be nice - and I hate nice. I am masochistic, you know"
Gandhar: "But this time, it is to a blind man, Dhritrashtra."
Gandhari: "Really, wow, dad it is so cool. I would love it. What is better than this - being married to a blind man. Moreover, to increase my suffering, I will put on a band on my eyes, and not remove them. You know, how much I hate looking at this world - it is full of dumb people. And think, what all can I tell people - I did it because of my husband. Then it will be like a wedding of two blind people. Moreover I will be immortalized in history. I love this plan."
Gandhar: "Do whatever, I am sending you off with Bhishma, Shakuni is coming with you. Have a great wedding." Gandhari:"Thanks again, dad".
Gandhar (To Shakuni): "I think we got a good deal here. "
Shakuni: "No dad, even if we did, Bhishma defeated me in negotiations, and I hate losing. I will take revenge. I will defeat him sometime."
And so Gandhari is married to Dhritrashtram with great pomp and show, living with her eyes closed with a white band, becoming an epitome of Sati-Savitri in the later generations.
Meanwhile, Pandu had left to attend the swayamvara of Kunti, who was the most beautiful princess of that time and the daughter of king Kuntibhoj. She was actually the daughter of king Shoorsen (who was also paternal grandfather of Krishna), and was named Pritha, but she was adopted by the childless Kuntibhoj (who was best friends with Shoorsen) when she was yet a child and so the name Kunti stuck. Kunti grew up to be an obedient daughter, and so was very heartbroken to be told by Kuntibhoj, on her 16th birthday, that her parents were not her actual parents, and that her real parents had given her up. She was also told, in the same vein, that the famous sage Durvasa, who was famed for his anger, had decided to put his ass in their kingdom and that, as the eldest daughter of the household, it was her responsibility to see that Durvasa got everything he wanted. Kunti knew what that meant - Kunti for the next one year, was to become a slave for Durvasa, fulfilling his every fantasy - but she accepted, for she too wanted to experience sex. After an year, on her 17th birthday, Durvasa said, "I have had enough fun with you. You have given me great BJ's, and I have had the wildest sex with you. The condom that I have used also ensures that you will have no children from sex with me.I am very happy with you. I have to leave now, becuase that is why we are called sages. However, before going I will offer you two gifts - I will restore your virginity. Moreover, I think your pussy is the one which is made for the gods, hence I will give you a secret mantra through which you will be able to have sex with Gods of your choice. You can have all the divine sex you want. However, there is a small catch - Gods dont use condoms, so be careful. " "Yeah, I wanted to be a bad girl. Thanks o rishi - I will exercise discretion" said Kunti, and that was the end of that.
So on her 17th birthday, Durvasa left, arming Kunti with a secret mantra. She was alone now, remembering the crazy things Durvasa had done to her, and she also used to pleasure herself. However, one day all alone, she was in the act when she saw the setting sun and got dreaming about the Sun-god skimming her juices, and she chanted the mantra remembering the Sun god. And lo, in front of her, in flesh, was the sun himself, so handsome. Kunti:"Right now, I have those days of the month, you know. I was just testing this secret mantra, and guess what it works. So now see, I want you, but not now. So I will call you later, and we can have fun. Or if you have a condom, come and lets play."
Sun God : "Condom - what is that? Stop the talk and come lets play." And he gets naked, after which Kunti had trouble remembering anything but pure ecstasy. She forgets all about her periods, and the next thing she remembers, is the sun waking up and saying, "its time for me to rise, and you too. I think the way we hit off was great. I know now you are gonna be pregnant with my son, who is going to be the greatest warrior ever. Name him Karna, and I think he will be born with natural kavach (armour) and kundal (earrings). You know - I am a God, I can do anything, so I also restore your virginity, so enjoy."
Kunti : "But what about the world, what will people say about an unmarried mother?"
Sun: " That is your problem. And yeah - havent you heard the ultimate abortion song. If you havent, I love singing it - Yeh waqt nahin hai, ..."
Kunti: "Yes I have, I think it is boring. So if you dont care about the child, neither do I. I will abort him."
Sun: " You cannot abort my son, bitch. If you do, I will burn you down with my rays. Do you want that. Think of some other way. And now that the rooster has cuckooed , time to go."
Kunti: "Bye, I have thought of a way. This was great - will you come back again?"
Sun : "Can't even if I want to. Didn't Durvasa tell you this works only for one night, with one god."
Kunti: "Shit, he duped me." (And Surya disappeared as suddenly as he had come).
All through her pregnancy she stayed away from the public, and even her own foster parents didn't know what was wrong with her. She decided to act normally, but when her belly grew, she decided to hide from her parents, by telling them she was going on a trip with friends. And she found accomodation in a hut, and there delivered Karna, who was born with Kavach and Kundal. As soon as Karna was born, Kunti took him on the banks of the Ganga, placed the child on a basket, and let him afloat - "I am sorry to do this, but you know, I am a virgin, and I am not supposed to carry a child - what will people say?" And off went Karna, carried by the waves of the Ganga.
Meanwhile, Kunti came back, and started living her pre-Durvasa life, and at her 20th birthday, her foster parents announced, "We are going to arrange your swayamvara. You are so beautiful, you are going to make every prince in India want you, but just look out for the king of Hastinapur - heard he is the MEB around." and she replied, "sure". And so her swayamvara was announced, which witnessed kings and princes from all around India. Pandu was also there, having tanned himself through a new tanning machine. He was the most eligible bachelor around, and with the paleness hidden, looked pretty handsome. So Kunti chose him over the others, and off they were married in great pomp and show. And Pandu brought her to Hastinapur as the new queen.
However, for whatever protection Kunti took, the rumours flew, and Bhishma heard them about Kunti's character, her one night stand with the sun-god and her later pregnancy. He thought, "I will confirm the story." But before he could, Pandu had already gotten married to her, and Bhishma was aghast. He decided to keep the secret within himself, (about Kunti's pregnancy), "Another bitch in the family, why are all straight men in this household cuckolds?" And he thought, "I need another good wife for Pandu - never before has anyone in this family ever got a wife without my help, and I am really good at this job and moreover, I love being the matchmaker". So Bhishma had Pandu marry Madri, the sister of King Shalya, the king of Madras region, in that time. In part, this was part of a treaty between Hastinapur and Madras. Pandu got many lands from Shalya and also got Madri, while Pandu drew away Shalya's enemies, and annexed their kingdoms. Madri was a sizzling hot young piece, and when Pandu returned from the annexations, with Madri at her size, Kunti was aggrieved, but the love making abilities of Madri soon won her over. Madri specialized in lesbian sex, and had soon made Kunti swooning for her. The three of them (Pandu, Madri and Kunti) indulged in threesomes like no tomorrow, and Pandu decided to take a break from ruling the kingdom, and decided to go on honeymoon, with his two new wives, making Dhritrashtra the king in his stead. And that is when Dhritrashtra's ambiition was fuelled, leading to the Mahabharat.

Mahabharata - 5: The birth of Pandu, Dhritrashtra and Vidur

Vichitravirya became a king at a very young age and as such was dominated by his foster brother Bhishma, and his mother Satyavati. Vichitravirya, meanwhile, had just reached the age when people start learning about sex, and get boners without no reason. He had discovered a copy of Kamasutra, and had been spending sleepless nights reading about it and masturbating, imaging in his fantasies, among other things, his mother and foster brother together in bed - this was a common rumour going around, that after the death of Shantanu, Bhishma and Satyavati had been brought together by lust. (And it was partly true, being younger to Bhishma, Satyavati was attracted to Bhishma, and after the death of Shantanu, even offered herself to him, but Bhishma, being a true homosexual, turned her down, and they decided to be best friends thereafter - Bhishma keeping Satyavati's lust a secret, while Satyavati agreed not to let anyone know about Bhishma's "condition").
And while they were talking about the condition of the kingdom one day, Bhishma mentioned to Satyavati that the king had come of age, and it was time for him to get married. And Satyavati asked Bhishma, "Do you have anyone in mind for my son, Bhishma?" And Bhishma said, "The beautiful daughters of the king of Kashi, Amba, Ambika and Ambalika are of marriagable age, and are reputed to be very beautiful. The king of Kashi has arranged a swayamvara (a method where women could choose their own husbands) for them, but has not invited our king. This is an insult to Hastinapur, and so I will go and kidnap the girls, who will make good wives for our king, and will also help us avenge the insult. Moreover, I am adept at carrying girls off to marry someone else - remember you with my father. I will do a great job" Satyavati: " Oh, Bhishma, you are very jokey. All right then, go and get them for my son, we will have a grand wedding." And so off went Bhishma, to kidnap the daughters of the king of Kashi.
The King of Kashi was making preparations for the swayamvara. His anger at Hastinapur was due to the fact that Shantanu, in the days when he was shagging Ganga, had refused the hand of his sister in marriage. The Kashi king wanted to avenge that humiliation, and had thought, that not inviting Vichitravirya for swayamvara of his daughters would be a nice revenge. Now, unknown to the king, his eldest daughter Amba was having a pre-marital affair with Prince Shalya (the one who was defeated by Bhishma earlier), and had decided to place the wedding garland on his shoulders. The other two sisters were still undecided, and as they were readying to choose from among the kings and princes assembled, in walked Bhishma to the hall.
Seeing Bhishma, the other kings burst into laughter. King 1: "Isn't he Bhishma, the man who has taken the oath of never marrying? Then what is he doing here?". King 2:"The beauty of the three princess has made him forget his vow. He wants to bed them, just like everyone of us here." (Laughter from everyone else, including the father of the girls - it was considered a privilege then to have your daughter, and your wife, being seen as a sex object). The King of Kashi, then said, "Why are you here, Bhishma? We did not invite you nor your step-brother. Don't you have any manners, or any etiquettes - coming here uninvited like this? Go away, or I will have to tell my guards to throw you away." Hearing these words, Bhishma got really angry, and said, "I am here to abduct your daughters, and get them married to the King of Hastinapur. Heaven knows I cannot be moved from my vow (because I am gay, he thought, but let's leave the details), and if anyone tries to stop me, I will blow them away." And saying so, Bhishma let out arrows which caused every king present to lose his throne, and thus humiliating them, he caught hold of the three women, who were too afraid to say anything. He then holding them in his chariot, proceeded towards Hastinapur, while the other kings were too shocked to do anything about it. Only Shalya, who was just minutes away from marrying the hottest girl of that age, had the courage to pursue Bhishma, and met him in the battlefield - Bhishma and the three girls against Shalya and his entire army - where, like before, Shalya was defeated, and his life was spared.
Being victorious, Bhishma went immediately to Satyavati and Vichitravirya, and showed them his conquests. Seeing the big bosom ladies before him, the young king got an immediate boner, while Satyavati was happy for her son. She ordered a grand wedding, when suddenly, Amba spoke up : "I am already in love with King Shalya, I wanted to marry him, and I even carry his baby. Let me marry him, please, oh, the mother queen of Hastinapur." Bhishma was shocked, and said, "But why didnt you tell this to me earlier? I could have left you there?" Amba said, "But I was frightened of you - You might have had killed me. I only got courage now, in front of the Queen Mother". Satyavati, "Bhishma, make arrangements for sending Amba to Shalya. Give her great ornaments. Send her like my daughter to Shalya." And so Amba was sent off, all this time dreaming about Shalya. However, after reaching there, Amba was in for a rude shock as Shalya refused to accept her. "I have lost you to Bhishma, I cannot accept you back as a gift. Its like adding insult to injury. So go back to Bhishma and Vichitravirya - anyways that is a very funny name, what does it mean, weird semen, haha - and forget about me." Amba: "But what about our child, Shalya?" "Abort it. Or raise it up as Vichitravirya's or Bhishma's or anyone else. But I cannot marry you. The whole world will laugh at me for accepting you. I am sorry, I love you, but not more than my honour. Please go away." At this Amba started crying, to which Shalya sang the ultimate abortion song "Yeh waqt nahin hai rone ka, yeh waqt hai baby hone ka, arre tab kyun naa roee thee, jab chipak chipak ke soyee thee, ab jo kiya hai use bharo, tab to kehti thee aur karo, aur karo!" and saying so, he dismissed Amba.
Meanwhile, Vichitravirya got married to the other two sisters. They immediately agreed to complete his fantasies, indulging in threesomes and lesbianism. All that Vichitravirya (that name is too long) ever did was to fuck these two beauties. The kingdom was now actually being run by Bhishma and everyone seemed happy with the arrangement.
So, Amba got an abortion, and headed back to Hastinapur, hoping to marry Vichitravirya. But the weirdo (this is much shorter) decided that even a threesome took a lot of his energies, and he was not ready for foursomes. Moreover, while Amba was considered the hottest among the three, she had shorter breasts, and the wierdo was definitely a breast-man. Moreover, Amba was not even a virgin, and had also got an abortion, making her a strict no-no. So well, he rejected Amba, who having been denied a husband, blamed it all on Bhishma, and told him, "You are the cause for my plight. No one wants to marry me and I have to lose my child because of you. You have devoid me of my honour. Hence, you should return my honour by marrying me." Bhishma said, "Child, I am old enough to be your father. And even if that was not the case, I cant marry you because I have my vow to adhere to (and because I am gay, he thought). So I am sorry for your condition, but I cannot help you. The only recourse left to you now is to go back to Shalya and ask him to marry you" Amba : "Shalya has already rejected me, Bhishma, and my honour doesn't allow me to go back to him. You have brought this woe upon myself and so now, I vow myself, that I will plan your destruction" and off she went.
She went and met many kings and princes, but no one was ready to take on the mighty Bhishma. So she prayed to Lord Subhramanya, who granted her a garland saying that whoever wore that garland would become an enemy of Bhishma and fight him for her. Amba took along that garland and met many kings, who refused to wear that garland, and even king Drupad refused. So she, disappointed, left the garland at the gate of Drupad's territory and went off to search for someone valiant, finally going to see the Sage Parshuram, the greatest warrior of his time, and the teacher of Bhishma, and narrated her sad tale. Moreover, to press her case even further, she even gave the teacher a blow job, which had Parshuram gasping for more, and Parshuram said, "I can always sway Shalya to marry you if you give it to me," to which Amba said, "I dont want to marry that sob Shalya, he is a coward. Now all I want you to do is to order Bhishma to marry me, or to destroy him in battle and I will give you all you want." And so off went Parshuram, and ordered Bhishma to marry Amba, which Bhishma refused, giving references to his vow. So Parshuram said, "I have promised Amba I will sway you, and if you are not going to obey me, I will make you obey me. Get ready to fight." And so they faught, the pupil and the student, over a woman. Parshuram was the best fighter of his day, and he had killed 21 generations of Kshatriya in his prime, but he was getting old, and Bhishma was young enough. After days of fighting then, Bhishma defeated Parshuram, and Parshuram went back to Amba, "Forget him, he is invincible. Go and seek his refuge. And I know I failed you, but am I still entitled to a handjob or something?" And Amba was like, "If you cannot help me, get lost, you good for nothing, you get nothing. Now I will have to do something." And off she went to pray to Lord Shiva, who granted her a boon that she will destroy Bhishma in her next birth. And Amba, in a bid to destroy Bhishma, set herself on pyre, and that was the end of the Amba story. Or was it? We will see later, much later.
But for now, its time to look at the fuckfest at Hastinapur, where the weirdo was having the time of his life with his two wives. However, too much of sex kills, and one day, while having threesome as usual, he got an heart attack (too much blood had rushed into his organ), and died on the spot. The king was dead - there was no heir, and the Hastinapur dynasty was going to a close.
So well, Satyavati called Bhishma after the funeral was over, and asked him, "Fuck my daughters-in-law, they will still techincally be the king;s son, and Hastinapur will have heirs. As you know, a widow can technically produce an heir by mating with her dead husband's brother. Please do this for Hastinapur." Bhishma, "But you know, my vow, ohh wait, you know the story, I am GAY - do you get it - I don't fuck women - Is that fine with you. I don't care about what you think, but I can't do it. It is just not right, you know. Moreover, what will the world say if I break my vow." "Well then, Bhishma, you leave me with just one choice." "And what is that, Satyavati?" "I have a story to tell you, I have another son" and she proceeded to tell him about Parshuram and Vyas. "Oh my oh my, you are a whore, aren't you?" And she remembered Vyas, who suddenly appeared out of nowhere, and said, "Mom, why did you call me? What can I do for you?"
Satyavati: "Son, fuck my daughters-in-law. I will be sending them to you and you must have meaningful sex with them."
Vyas:" I will love it mom, otherwise with an appearance like me. I dont get any pussy." (Vyas was big and black and positively ugly, with hair and all).
So well Satyavati called Ambika, who seeing Vyas, closed her eyes and kept it close as long as Vyas was giving it to her, which was a long time. After this performance, Vyas came to Satyavati and told her that because of Ambika's not opening her eyes, the son will be blind. So Ambalika was told that she must keep her eyes open all through the performance, which she did, but seeing Vyas was not easy, and she fainted, which as Vyas told later, meant that this son will be pale. Satyavati, afraid of the consequences, then asked Ambika to get fucked again by Vyas, to deliver a healthy child, but Ambika, afraid of what happened earlier, instead send a maid in her place, who accepted Vyas gladly, and gave him the best fuck ever. Vyas later said that this child would be the wisest and the most intelligent. So, within nine months, Ambika delivered Dhritrashtra, who was blind, while Ambalika, after some time, delivered Pandu, who was pale, and the maid delivered Vidur, who by orders of Satyavati, was brought up like a Prince. And so their education started, under supervision of Bhishma.

This is a true story

Location: Byron Bay Bar at Bordeaux. Day: Thursday. Time : 10:30 P.m. Event: Party of some school, with many Pretty Young Things (and when I say young, I mean like 16-17 years old), in it.

The Scene Outside : A group of 3 girls and 4 guys from that school are trying to get in, but are not being allowed by the bouncer outside. They try flaunting their I-cards, the babes try some sweet talking, but are not allowed, when the four of us Indians enter there. We are kind of regulars there, but we have never talked to the bouncer before, and are sure we will be thrown out. So, sheepishly, we stand in front of the bouncer, waiting to be thrown out, and hoping against hope, for some miracle to happen. And it happens - As soon as he sees us, he opens the gate, and we are like, "Is it for us?". And the bouncer says, "yes", and we are allowed in, and the bouncer addresses us in such respectful terms it makes us blush, and happy.The treatment meted to us also makes the French girls and guys stranded outside pass the kind of awe filled stares we throw at people who are allowed to enter exclusive parties normally.

We felt like kings, and we acted like ones that day. For what happened next, you will have to contact me on G-talk probably (too vulgar, even by the standards of this blog, to put it down here). To put it briefly, we were like wolves prowling for sheep. :P

The Delhi Walla Blog

Thanks to Sammy, I got a chance to write for his cousin Mayank's blog about 'sex life in IITD'. Here is the link. Mayank has modified the original post, and made it look much better. As John Grisham writes, the mistakes are all mine :P.

Mahabharata - 4 : Satyavati-Shantanu

As Shantanu roamed around the banks of the Yamuna, hunting for new pray, he smelled the best aroma he ever had. Trying to find the source of the aroma, he ordered his charioteer to take his chariot to wherever the fragrance was coming from. (Yeah, in case you are wondering, the same charioteer was always with Shantanu - he also got a spoil of the shares after Shantanu was done devouring his prey). They even crossed their own kingdom in the process and came within the limits of the kingdom of Chedi. The feminine fragrance had him totally horny, and when he came to the place where Satyavati was planning to pack her bags for the day and go home, after a hard days' job ferrying people across the Yamuna. (She planned to go back to bed, remembering, like every night, the awesome time she had, what seemed like years ago, the awesome "love-making" from Prashar. It was the best time of her entire day, alone with her memories, and a stick which she could use as a dildo. Yes, women were horny even then.)

Seeing Satyavati, Shantanu got the hard-on of his life - yeah, he was even hornier than meeting Ganga had made him, and it was surprising because he was much older now, except that he still dyed his hair and went about singing "I am so Young Now" (The Corrs are copycats too, but they changed it a bit) - but, as he explained later to his charioteer, it was also the smell that did it. He took down his pants, and as was his wont, sang out to Satyavati, "Give it to me baby." ("It" referred to the pussy, readers, but Offsprings couldn't really understand it when they decided to copy). And Satyavati, still playing the role of the ideal daughter, told Shantanu, "You might be the king, but I am not ready to lose my virginity in a one night stand. Either ask my father for my hand in marriage or go away. I am sorry." Shantanu was dumbfounded. "But, I am a king, and you are not supposed to refuse a king like that. Noone has ever refused me before - not even Ganga. How dare you then?" "But, I am not your subject, oh king. You are in the kingdom of the king of Chedi, and I am obliged to obey him - not you." And Shantanu thought, "What lovely mouth she has, what pleasure it would be to get a blowjob from her." Aloud: "Will you give me a blowjob then, oh beautiful one. It will give me pleasure, and possibly you too, seeing my tool, which as you must know and can see yourself, all the gals say, is a pretty fly for a white guy. Moreover, your virginity will be intact,". Satyavati, seeing the thing between Shantanu's legs did feel horny, but it was small compared to Prashar. And she did not want to dilute the effect that Prashar's cock had on her, by indulging in sucking other, lesser cock. So aloud she said, "Do you think I am a slut, O king? I have been brought up in virtue, and if you want to have anything to do with me, ask my father." And Shantanu was totally impressed by the concern of the sex-bomb standing before him. (A sexy woman who is not a slut is still every man's dream wife - and Shantanu was no cuckold). He decided he could fuck this chick for time immemorial and not get tired of it - hell, she was almost as hot as Ganga, and that smell!!! Unable to control his hard-on, he immediately took Satyavati with him, and went to the fisherman's Dashraj house, to ask for Satyavati's hand. The following conversation followed:
Shantanu: I love your daughter and want to marry her.
Dashraj: Who are you?
Shantanu (frowning): Don't you know me, I am the king of Hastinapur, Shantanu. And I want to make your daughter my queen.
Dashraj: That is a pleasure, O king. But I have a condition.
Shantanu: What is it? Tell me soon, I am ready to fulfil anything. Just make me marry your daughter. (I have a raging hard-on, bastard, and only your daughter can help me relieve it, he thought).
Dashraj: I have brought this daughter of mine in the best way I could, and I want her to get the best. If you marry her, you must promise me that her son will be your heir.
Shantanu (thinking): "I have already made Devarata my heir. Fuck Dashraj, I could possibly take his daughter and run off, but the king of Chedi is so powerful and Devarata might not help me in this ensuing war which starts off because of my lust for a woman not his mother. But I want a release." (Aloud he said):"This is not possible Dashraj, ask for anything else. I have already promised my kingdom to my eldest son, Devarata."
Dashraj: This is my one and only request, O king. If you can fulfil it, you can take Satyavati as your wife, otherwise I am sorry.
Shantanu: You know I cannot be a traitor to my son. We kings cannot break our promises. Fuck you, Dashraj and fuck your daughter. I am going to cum, umm, I mean go. (And he cums, and goes, unable to make any headway).

Every day from then on, Shantanu goes to the bank of the Yamuna along with his charioteer, (who for your knowledge also did cum seeing Satyavati), sees Satyavati, sings, "I will cum wherever you will go," (which, as The Calling thought, was too liberal even for American listeners, and changed the 'cum' to 'go'), cums seeing her, and goes home. He loses all taste for other women, and is totally in love with Satyavati - a love bred out of lust. At night, while Satyavati is cumming for Prashar, Shantanu cums for her. (pine would probably be a less accurate word here - Its all lust, come to think of it). And he ignores all other prey, and his food, and his appetite suffers. He just lives to take a glimpse of Satyavati and cum thinking about her. All this while, Devarata, who is effectively managing the kingdom, can't bear to see his father's condition. He asks his father, "what is wrong father? Is there anything I can help you with? Are you worried about the kingdom? Or is it something else that troubles you?" Now just take a moment to comprehend the situation Shantanu is in. He wants to tell his son, "I want to fuck and marry a woman I can't. I can't as long as you are there." But how could he say that? So he says, "I am worried about you son. You manage the kingdom, and you are my heir and my sole son. If anything was to happen to you, what will I do?" Now this actually meant this - I need to have another son, and another heir. Devarata probably understood this, because he went to his father's charioteer, and asked the charioteer about his father's health. The charioteer pretended ignorance, but upon being promised the price of one of the most beautiful maidens of the kingdom, agreed to divulge the details about Satyavati, and told him how the king was besotted by the female, and how Dashraj had laid the condition. ("But it is not your father's fault, prince, you should see Satyavati - Oh, her eyes are so beautiful. And the smell that emanates from her body, and her breasts are like water melons, and her waist like a surahi" "Cut the details, charioteer, I will go check her out myself" said Devarata and asking directions for Satyavati's house, took his chariot and went off).
Now well, Devarata felt nothing for the numerous pretty females who wanted to make love to the Most Eligible Bachelor in the kingdom. He was always more excited by sight of men fighting and working. Also, seeing the bulge in the charioteer's pants as he talked about Satyavati, had managed to turn him on pretty bad. Which is why he wanted to get out of that place ASAP. And as he thought about that big bulge in the charioteer's pants, the thought suddenly struck him - he was gay. It was not very usual, but his Guru Brihaspati had told him once, in the biology class, about devas in heaven who took no pleasure in company of apsaras and instead slept with another men. It was a biological condition - and nothing you could do about it, but publicising it was not exactly recommended, not in the relatively conservative earth. If word gets around, a gay person might see himself being isolated from society. Hearing about Satyavati and her father's condition brought a plan to his mind - it was risky, but it might just work, he thought, and off he went to implement it.
Reaching Dashraj's house, he saw Satyavati and even he could appreciate his father's eye for beauty.
Dashraj: Who are you, and why do you come here at this hour?
Devarata: I am Devarata, the prince of Hastinapur.
Dashraj: Welcome. What can I do for you?
Devarata: I ask the hand of your daughter for my father.
Dashraj: But you know my condition, and as long as the king is unwilling to fulfil that condition, I am unable to marry off my daughter. And you are such a mighty and famous prince, how can the king think of making anyone else the heir?
Devarata (thinking : Seeing my father is such a cuckoo, good for nothing king, I guess his sons will also be similar. I am different only because of my mother, the divine Ganga, otherwise I would also have been a loser like my dad. I can always act as a de-facto ruler whether I am the king or not): I, Deverata, am the heir to the throne of Hastinapur, and I relinquish that title and give word to you that after my father, the son of your daughter will become the next king.
(This he said in a loud voice so that people all over could hear him make the supreme sacrifice.)
Dashraj: But..(He wanted to say, but you actually are taking such a vow for my daughter?)
Devarata (coming to the part, which he had thought about all through the way) : "But what, you know I have relinquished, but I think that you fear that my sons, if they are as mighty as me, will take the throne back from your daughter's sons? Is that it, tell me?"
Dashraj (thinking: "Shit, I had never thought about it. But this is really good.") "yes, that is my only concern"
Devarata (smiling inwardly, but making a serious face): "Hear, Oh the heavens, the netherworld and the earth. I, Devarata, for the benefit of my father, and for the throne of Hastinapur, vow never to marry, and never to fuck any woman."
The heavens heard him. Devas poured flowers on him as he made this 'sacrifice' and an akashwaani (the ancient version of radio news service, except that it came from the skies) hailed him as Bhisham, one who had taken a Bhishan Pratigya (Terrible vow). He became famous everywhere, and was also spared humiliation of being called a gay. (Now that is killing two birds with one stone).
Dashraj agreed to the match, and Bhishma carried Satyavati to his father, who, having had his fantasy come to life through his son's twin sacrifices, granted his son the boon of choosing his death. (And in those days, these things worked - somehow. And that's how you kill three birds with one stone). And Bhishma started managing the kingdom, making some good "friends" among advisors, while Shantanu got down to fucking Satyavati, and as he had done before, disappeared from public sight for nine months, when Satyavati delivered a son, the future king of Hastinapur, who was named Chitrangada. Leaving him to the maid, Shantanu and Satyavati went back being rabbits, and soon enough Satyavati delivered Vichitravirya.
Soon, thereafter, however, the king developed high BP developed due to the pumping of blood to his organ, and had a stroke, from which he did survive, but could never recover enough to have sex. So instead he starting brooding about how he had let his first-born son (Gangeya- Devarata- Bhishma) down. He also blamed Satyavati, who also started sharing the guilt of it all. Soon enough Shantanu died, and the young Chitrangada was declared the king, with Bhishma acting as his mentor. The king wanted to let go of Bhishma's interference in his life, and so took to hunting like his father, seeking prey. And as it happened, while Chitrangada was hunting one day, he encountered the Gandharva king Chitrangada, who got into an arguement about who had the right to carry off that name. In the ensuing duel, the Paurava Chitrangada was killed, and so Vichitravirya was made the king. Bhishma continuing to be his mentor. And this laid the foundation of another twist in the Mahabharata story.
(You know, about Mahabharata, it is said, "what is here might be found somewhere else, but what is not contained here, cannot be found anywhere else." A good thought to end).