Self Obsessed Bastard

Genius, like hard work, is overated.

And luck is stangely underrated.

I am immodest. A self obsessed bastard. If u dont like this fact about me, dont read any further.

Fuck you. You still wanted to read further.

Well you will have to wait. For what I am about to reveal.

It is not much, if you ask me, but it might contain all that you ever wanted to know about life.

Or maybe not, but who is to decide?

The truth is this.

I didnt make it to RIMC in the first attempt. I didnt make it to IIT Delhi in my first attempt. I didnt make it to IIMC in my first attempt.

I did make it to RIMC in my second attempt. I did make it to IIT Delhi in my second attempt. I did make it to IIMC in my second attempt.

Sorry folks, but thats all I had to say. Maybe that was all you wanted to know about life in the first place. Or in the second place, hehehehe.

Am boring you, am I? Here is more truth underneath this line.

Luck is the ultimate thing. About almost as lethal as a sum of hard work and talent(or genius).

You dont believe me, I know. But here, in this blogsite, all that matters is what I believe. You might post a comment to counter what I believe, but, believe me, they dont matter.

I think you know why. The answer is simple.

Its because I can talk to snakes. I can speak Parselmouth.

Only joking. Its because I can remove your comments anytime I like, and that is a big power.

Good night, I think I am high.

A Suitable Boy

"Why do we live?" And I, back in those days when I felt good, "Because of hope. It is the hope that one day things will improve, get better." And then I blurted out the story of Love in the Times of Cholera, and about how much hope it had filled me with. And then I also said these lines someone else had told me "It is never the end, unless you decide its the end." It is always the same: Goran Ivanisevic, Lance Armstrong and more. I had continued,"You live for people around you, people who love you, like you, and want you to do well in life. You might not see it, but they care about you. Everything you do which is bad for yourself hurts them. And you live to see them happy, because if you die it will make you sad."

I have to keep reminding myself this. I am here because I have a purpose. I might not be anybody, but even then I'll be. I am what I am. I know people like me, and love me for what I am, and I am not going to lose any more friends. I am going to be good. I am going to live, not because I hope one day things will get better, but because I've realised this is what life actually is. If everything was good, life wouldnot be worth it.

I am going to be a good son, brother and friend. Sorry for everything. I am going to be a good person. I am going to be a suitable boy :P.

My only regret, if any, at this moment is: I cant study. And my GPA is not going up, and I know its not going to go up.

Life is hard. I am taking it easy. As the Americans say, "When the rape is inivetible, lie down and enjoy it." Nice thought for the day.

Life is wasted

A whole lifetime wasted.

There was no tomorrow.
I didnt have the courage.
I am sorry.
Do I really give a damn about how you feel about me?
I dont.
I do.
The voices again.

Alcohol is the perfect answer.

I am spoilt. I am not going to get better. I dont want to get better. Self realisation is the best realisation.

Maybe, I am just giving in to the dark side.
Maybe, that is what I always want to be,

Hoping I get a PPO from Bloomberg, otherwise I dont know what life has in store.

A lot like love, A million little pieces and Apocalypse Now

Pretty much sums up all I have done since coming back to IIMC. Add in a bit of Friends, Seinfeld, Southpark, FIFA, AOE and EA Cricket too, and in comes the feeling of guilt thats been eating me. Forever. My entire life. I am fighting it. Right now I am winning, but for how long, I wonder.

Exams start in two days. Study.
Fuck exams, enjoy life. Dont study. You will pass anyways, and the exams this time are quant based, you will do great. Why study?
You will always remain a five pointer if you dont study.
As if you give a damn what pointer you are.
You know you do.
You know you dont.
You do.
You dont.
do.
dont.
do.
dont.
Yes.
No.

Fuck. Someone stop these voices.

She.

Just tell everything tomorrow. You will be good and happy, believe me. Dont think what the world says, just concentrate on yourself being happy. Dont care about the studies. It shall all be fine.

I am ready to believe you.

Tomorrow my life can change for the better. Or else, if it doesnt work out, I am going to remain the same way forever. I want to be good, one last time. Keeping my fingers crossed.

Happy.....

Today is my last night in Delhi for the next two months atleast. And I am not drunk. Neither doped. But I am happy. Inside out. After a long long time.

I have fallen in love again, I think, with life, and with certain people. And I want to enjoy this feeling forever. I want to give myself a chance to be happy. All the evil thoughts for now have been pushed to the corner. Thanks to everyone, and especially to the one person to whom I owe this more than anyone else.

The Delhi/Dharamsala trip wasnt fun always, but at the end of it all, am feeling better I guess. Much better than when I came in. Am finally seeing some hope. About life, the universe and everything.

Here is looking forward to a good, happy living.

Take care people, and have fun.

From now on, if I write, I hope it shall be about the good things in life.

Excerpts from A Million Little Pieces: My thoughts

"I hang up the phone and I stare at the floor and I think about my Mother and my Father in a Hotel Room in Chicago and I wonder why they still love me and why I can't love them back and how two normal stable people could have created something like me, lived with something like me and tolerated something like me. I stare at the floor and I wonder. How did they tolerate me."

"Near the end, there is a section of testimonials. There is one by a dentist, one by a European drinker, one by a salesman, one by an educated Agnostic. They were all Alcoholic disasters, they all found God, they all started dancing the Twelve Steps, they all got better. As with all testimonials like this that I've heard or read or been forced to endure, something about them strikes me as weak, hollow and empty. Though the people in them are no longer drinking and doing drugs, they're still living with the obsession. Though they have achieved sobriety, their lives are based on avoidance, discussion and vilification of the chemicals they once needed and loved. Though they function as human beings, they function because of their meetings and their Dogma and their God. Take away their Meetings and their Dogma and they have nothing, Take them away and they are back where they started. They have an addiction.
Addictions need fuel. I am not convinced Meetings and a Dogma and a God can fuel mine. If what the doctor says at the beginning is true, and joining AA is the only way to cure me, then I'm completely fucked. Fucked Fucked Fucked."

"We're here to help you James. We're here to help you get better and to help you learn how to stop killing yourself. If you do what we tell you to do and you follow the Program we prescribe, you will live a long and happy life.
I have recieved my sentence.
It doesnt have to be carried out. Just trust us.
Have you got anything else to say to me?
I hope you'll trust us, I hope you'll give us a chance to help you, and I hope to God you're here tomorrow.
I stare at him. His eyes are thick and wet and breaking. He is obviously sad and obviously disappointed. I'm tired of making people sad and I'm tired of disappointing them and I'm tired of seeing them break. I have seen this too many times. He will be the last.

I am singularly the most self-destructive individual I have ever known, and this fact makes me hate, and destroy myself, even more. Paradoxical?

I have found a motivation to live. I want to do something really famous by the age of 27, and then join Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison and Kurt Cobain. Pretty?

A Million Little Pieces...

I am no James Frey. I am not even an addict. I hope, I never become him.

This book is screwing my mind, and I am screwing my body. Have just finished the first part of the book, and reading about James' totally screwed up mind, am just thinking about how similiar I think. About everything around.

About parents, elder brother, treatment for alcohol abuse, seeing psychologists, life, death, friends, her.

Will I end up like him?

Have been drinking a lot lately, and even though everyone here says I should stop, and everyone there says I should stop, I wont. Not that I cant, (I have done it before), but because I dont want to.

I am turning into a James Frey, I think.

I've been high

(Dedicated to an REM song by the same name).

"why are you doing this to yourself?" "Doing what?" "you know what, why have you started this new thing. You even have a job now. Your life is almost settled. Then why?" "Does there have to be a reason? There is no reason. Its just that I want to live my life on a high. And all this gives me a high."

I reached a new high during my exams. The results of my Statistics examination stunned everyone in the campus except me. C+ in a course where everyone gets surprised even if I stoop to A from A+. But to score C+ was not as tough as I would have imagined. Not studying did one trick. Even then I might have managed a A/A- (Yeah, I believe I am that good, in stats atleast). Half a bottle of Royal Stag (no more, no less) did the rest. Still am pretty disappointed. If I had not goofed up and made some silly mistakes, I could still have gotten a B+. And normally, I dont make silly mistakes. I make big mistakes.

Coming to that half bottle, the rest was finished before the last examination. Again, you might ask, why before. Because after the exam we were going out. So before the Economics examination I listened to some good Rock, drank and slept. Woke up at 930, finished the syllabus in half an hour. And I might have done better than some of my wingies who spent the entire night studying. Man, I love myself. (I am too good!) Or is it that management is such a sham?

Have been on the biggest debt streak of my college life. This is kinda worse than the fourth year of college. Have lost all my savings, and am running an incurring debt of close to 13000. It is scary. Am going home, so probably shall get my finances back in order. Where did all the money go, u might ask? Well, things like treats, movies, eating out, and most importantly, drinking out. Also 5000 on the planned flight expenditure to Delhi.

Man, I've been high. And happy. Over the past few days.

The past few days have been pretty amazing. There have been plenty of trips to the city: Olypub, Someplace Else, Atrium, Cinammon Lounge, Ivory; to name a few. Also have discovered Artland, a shady drinking place 10 minutes walk from the campus. Have been to a nearby (200 kms away) beach, where had fun. And then there has been the GGP (Great G**** Party), probably the most important event on campus calender for me. Also have been trying "it" out once a week.

Read Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. Man those guys were shit crazy. Gonzo journalism. Loved the book. And am now starting to read A Million Little Pieces. The guy is screwed up on alcohol, cocaine and a hundred other things. And has checked into a rehab. Its like FALILV, a true story.

Have been feeling pretty good lately. Even though, the week before, every morning I wake up to a upset stomach or a bad headache, the feeling of being high takes over later in the day. And
am really loving it.
Planned : A trip to Delhi and home.Cant wait for that to get started. Means meeting old friends, their new and old girlfriends. And doing some essential shopping.

(And yeah, if you have read till here, Happy New Year. Shit. As if I care.)

I am so high now.

I hate...

Winning when I win.
Losing when I lose.
Achieving something when I achieve.
Not achieving something when I don't achieve.

Being ignored when I am ignored.
Being cared for when I am cared for.
Being in the public eye when I am with everyone.
Being left in solitude when I am alone.

Being good when I am good.
Being bad when I am bad.
Doing something I do.
Not doing something I dont do.

Being myself.
Not being myself.
Life. Death.

What life has taught me...

....0.Zilch.Zero. Sifar. Shunya. Nothing.

I have made the same mistakes again and again.

And this is something I dont wanna change. And its frustrating.

I am going to live, even though all I wanna do is die.

Another day lost

Another day lost. My hallucinations are back. I cant remember how yesterday went by. I remember Friday evening, one of the few non-alcoholic Friday evenings here, and bang! The next thing I remember is Sunday morning 6 a.m. Where was I in between? I have absolutely no clue. I remember eating a lot of tablets( for kicks, because I couldnt find any whisky, and damn:it has become expensive) and then a huge blank.
What happened that whole day for me will be confined to history books. I have lost quite a few days this way, around five or six, just blanked out from memory. I dont know why this happens, but probably I sleep like Kumbhkaran, and even though I am awake for two three hours, I dont remember anything of those. Pretty scary, huh!!
On other fronts, exams start tomorrow. Have pretty much become immune to them now, and they pass off just like they did in IIT, with minimum effect. The effect they leave behind, the CGPA is another matter altogether. I know it matters a lot, but like another things which matter, I have finally stopped caring.
Had my birthday this past week. Got a splendid gift from friends here, my first Ganja joint. It was quite chill and good. Really liked it. Had it the next day as well. Didnt get very high though, which was disappointing.
Life has become pretty meaningless again, and I have made a deal this time around: I wont make such a big deal about living it. I am OK. I am doing good. And I will be fine for the world outside. Because now I have stopped caring. For you and for me.
On the inside though, I know something is just not right.

King Of Pain

[Sting..but exactly how I feel]
here's a little black spot on the sun today
It's the same old thing as yesterday
There's a black hat caught in a high tree top
There's a flag-pole rag and the wind won't stop

I have stood here before inside the pouring rain
With the world turning circles running 'round my brain
I guess I'm always hoping that you'll end this reign
But it's my destiny to be the king of pain

There's a little black spot on the sun today
(That's my soul up there)
It's the same old thing as yesterday
(That's my soul up there)
There's a black hat caught in a high tree top
(That's my soul up there)
There's a flag-pole rag and the wind won't stop
(That's my soul up there)

I have stood here before inside the pouring rain
With the world turning circles running 'round my brain
I guess I'm always hoping that you'll end this reign
But it's my destiny to be the king of pain

There's a fossil that's trapped in a high cliff wall
(That's my soul up there)
There's a dead salmon frozen in a waterfall
(That's my soul up there)
There's a blue whale beached by a springtide's ebb
(That's my soul up there)
There's a butterfly trapped in a spider's web
(That's my soul up there)

I have stood here before inside the pouring rain
With the world turning circles running 'round my brain
I guess I'm always hoping that you'll end this reign
But it's my destiny to be the king of pain

There's a king on a throne with his eyes torn out
There's a blind man looking for a shadow of doubt
There's a rich man sleeping on a golden bed
There's a skeleton choking on a crust of bread

King of pain

There's a red fox torn by a huntsman's pack
(That's my soul up there)
There's a black-winged gull with a broken back
(That's my soul up there)
There's a little black spot on the sun today
It's the same old thing as yesterday

I have stood here before inside the pouring rain
With the world turning circles running 'round my brain
I guess I'm always hoping that you'll end this reign
But it's my destiny to be the king of pain

king of pain
king of pain
king of pain
I'll always be king of pain...

Answers

"The zubin i knew in my college days is no longer around....." was a comment posted on the previous post by a friend. And you know, why I wrote the last post. It was to answer your question on the yahoo group. The Bloomberg Internship didnt change anything. Because the real problem is somewhere else.
And its probably the time I answer back, and as I hate talking about these things personally, I will answer it here too, instead. And if you like me, you probably wont after reading this. But this is the truest one can ever be in a post.
In IITD, I think I had this image of being this happy-go-lucky person who indulged himself in everything from hostel dramatics (on the background) to long nightouts in Nescafe. Like a friend wrote in a testimonial about me on Orkut,("he couldn't care less about passing any course",) studies, or infact anything else of personal worth, were my last priority, much to the chagrin of my parents. I supposedly kept myself busy, by indulging in hostel activities, followed by nightly trips to Nescafe. I justified my not studying, or my not doing anything of personal value-addition by thinking I was building an all-round personality; and that I was making some good friendships. There was a strong part in me that wanted to achieve material recognition for all my efforts, but it was downed by the strong feeling of super-ego, which told me to take into account the team before the individual. And so all along, you never knew the real me in college, which I am certain you would have hated. And so whenever this part of me surfaced up I shut myself from the world, instead of talking about my desires with people.
So all this while I didnt concentrate on what I wanted, and was supposedly happy doing what was best for the group. Except that I wasnt happy. I hated doing all this, but I thought that people would like you if you were "good" and somehow, I wanted all my acquaintences to like me. There were times even in the past, if you remember, friend, when I would just like to shut myself away from the world; roam alone on the roads, listen to Everybody Hurts at loud voluems, trying to find something gratifying. It was when the real me started mocking me for putting a false mask. I couldnt talk about it to my friends, because they had known to like me, and I couldnt make them hate me by telling them all that I thought inside. I knew I was lying when I said," I do it because I enjoy doing it." I was doing what I did during the hostel days to seek respect and admiration of people. I thought all along, that was what mattered in life, and not a material recognition of my efforts.
But this view was shattered coming into the final year of college. And you, friend, were among the first people to make me realise that. I was never as close to you as much as I wanted to, and the actions you took sometimes made me realise I had made a fool of myself. People around me, lived for themselves, or their passion. I, on the other hand, lived for other people, creating a world-pleasing alter ego acting differently from what the real me would have acted. And it pained when I came to know that I, even in my good alter ego form, didnt really matter much to them. And everyone else just carried on with his life. I, on the other hand, had nothing to turn to. Because my alter ego had always desired that my friends get the best, not caring much about myself. And now it had nowhere to go.
But there was another thing as well. The real me doesnt like to see anyone else other than me successful. There is always a part of me that pains when I hear of a friend succeeding, and a part of me that becomes happy when he goes into trouble. I am probably even jealous of my parents'and my brother's success. I guess the real me is just sick. And this makes me feel guilty. And because I recently realised that because of this, the real me couldnt love anything but myself. I want everyone else to be suffering.
And now I am caught in a conflict with the alter-ego and the real me. This conflict is killing me. Slowly but surely, and there is nothing you can do about it.
You are happy because you live your life for yourself. I have never lived my life for myself, and the more I think about it, I hate myself. I feel guilty for having such negative feelings in my mind about people. I can live for other people (in my alter ego form), but now I realise that all relationships stink. Not an option.
Right now, I am OK. Please no more advices on how to be happy. I hate those the most.

To Put things in perspective...

I have probably what most people would die to have.

A summer internship offer in my desired field (Financial Data Analysis) in my desired city (New York City, New York), with a more than enough stipend (Approx. $40 per hour or more) in a big company, Bloomberg, and a great chance to convert it into a PPO (Pre-Placement Offer). Doing pretty well in my college academically and otherwise.

Wonderful parents and a great brother, and caring friends.

What more can one ask for in life? Nothing much, I guess.

Am I happy, I ask myself? And the answer is no. I dont know why, but something seems to be wrong. Anyways, can anyone explain what being happy means?

Realisation - II

In the end, you either win or lose.

If you lose, you feel guilty of not having tried hard enough.

If you win, you feel guilty of making someone more hardworking and "deserving" lose.

In the end, all you do is lose.

"Everything in life has become a hygiene condition, not getting it makes you feel bad and sad; but getting it doesnt make you happy either."

Today

Today is probably the first day when I have put in my best effort and not achieve something I wanted to.
Today is probably the first time I have experienced first-hand discrimination, and been subjected to some negative bias.
Today is, however, not the first time I have seen people with potential and interest losing out to people who are pseudo, and led by monetary lust.
Today is not the first time I feel life is unfair.
Today is not the first time I wish it was easy to die......

On feedback, what exactly is "out of the box" thinking?

And why cant people always stop giving advices?

And how can people live in this world of hope, where hope of a better, beautiful life is all that keeps all of us going?

My higher self

I am normally a pretty normal MBA in making, except that I am not getting totally caught in the placement rush of filling the forms. Am applying to companies though which only want resumes, and not forms. And I would like a Day 0 job, to get shortlisted, and convert PPOs. And while my normal self is an out and out extrovert, I have a deeper, "darker" side as well. Which writes most of the posts on this blog. Like this one. I think its my higher self.

We are told to be happy. To enjoy life. I am going mad probably, with all the crap I wrote in the last post, but what if I am being cured. What if I am seeing things in the right light, and the entire world is mad. What if I have figured out what life really is, and blurted it out loud, and all others around me are just not being able to see the truth, or probably too afraid to say it out.

Dont do the concepts of Hinduism and Matrix say the same things. Death is just the beginning of something else. There is no end. Why are we so afraid of death then, and why do we want to emcompass life with all the happiness? People who know me good enough tell me I have a "medical disorder" called depression. They want me to seek cure for this illness. And now I am ready, for their sake, to seek treatment.

For the record though, what happens if I find out in the end (of this life), that I was right all through? That I am already in a higher plane of thought, where things are so much clearer. That psycathric help is just another of these methods to pull you back into the earthly plane of life, to make you seek happiness, which is in real terms, an imaginary concept. We all have a void in our lives. No one is happy. Everyone is chasing happiness, and all who chase it dont get it.

You know, then people say, "If you had everything, what else would be left to do?" The point we miss however is, that you can never have everything. In life we run chasing things which we think will make us happy. If we dont get them, we get sad, and if we do get them, we realise that it wasnt the thing we were after. And we seek a new object of affiliation. And this cycle continues.

And someone would now say, "this is exactly what life is." Death is just the end of this suffering, something which shall make us happy. Then why do we shy away from it? Why do we want a long life? Why do we run after happiness so much?

I had an accident in a bus recently, which made all people around me take some sort of preventive action as the breaks were suddenly applied, and I noticed that people started churning out prayers in their native tongues. And I also noticed that I was the only one calm. The accident later turned out to be a minor one, but it made me sure of one thing: I am not afraid of death. And I think I am happier than all of you just because of this fact. And which also makes me not seek death anymore.

I dont want to die because I am sad. Exactly the opposite. Its just because I dont want to run after happiness, which is what life is all about. Once you find that true happiness within yourself, like I have started to, life becomes meaningless because you have nothing more to do. But I am living on for myself now. To enjoy this actual happiness. Hypocritic? I am a hypocrite, like my brother says.

I dont need anyone around to make me happy. I have started loving my peace around myself. Sorry to say this, but I detest people calling me, talking to me or coming to my room for asking questions. I just want to be alone. Totally alone. I have stopped feeling things for others. Noone matters to me. Nothing can alter my inner peace, not even I probably.

Whatever

I am heavily drunk right now. Which makes this blog a lot accurate than what it has been in the past.

We are all runnning away. From Death, which is the end but we refuse to admit it. Death is peace, the end of all the pain that life has in store for us. Life is pain. The joys in life are just a detterent. We try chasing happiness. Its like "You just get good marks in 10th. Life will be much better then." When you do that, its "Get through JEE, you will have nothing to worry about." When you make it through IIT, it is "Get through Mckinsey/BCG, CAT and life will be great". When you make it through IIM, it is "Get a Day Zero Summers, and life is chill throughout.". Life is never chill, It is one big pain.

Death is the answer. and the best thing was if we could all run away. From life towards death. But we just cant. Because of our relationships. We all have to suffer because man is a social animal that needs company. And relationships that cause more pain than joy. Most people are blind to this simple fact. I am not, at this moment atleast. I am at a higher plane, and the only thing that causes me pain is the fact that I cant die, because it shall pain my family and friends.

I wish I could die.....

If....

If you dont know what are you looking forward to
and everyday leaves you feeling hopeless and sad;
If you have nothing better to do,
than to pretend you are slowly turning mad.

If you are sure you have lost the will
to live in this world of blinding lights;
If each day seems like a big burden,
and alone is spent every single night.

If there are demons going through your mind,
which make you frown all the time;
If you somehow feel guilty deep inside,
of committing many heinous crimes.

If you have lost all emotions
of happiness, laughter and delight;
If it seems you are a picture of tragedy,
and nothing seems to be going right.

If love had found you,
and you have lost it now;
If all you can do is to wonder,
what, where, when and how?

If you just cant put a finger
on where did it all go wrong;
If the only thing you are sure of,
is that life has been far too long.

If you are afraid to tell
anyone about your sorry state;
If it seems noone understands you,
and all you have is your heart is unexplainable hate.

If you want to hurt this world badly
just like it has always hurt you;
If you know you are sick,
but even the best doctors cant cure you.

What do you tell yourself then,
as to why should you live on?
Arent you as good as dead,
because your life is already gone?