Mahabharat 16: Karan and Eklavya: The Real Heroes - 2

Dear reader, its been quite a journey we have undertaken in uncovering the narrative,
the "real" story of the great epic Mahabharat, uncorrupted by the winner's perspective.
I know this chapter has been a long time coming, and that I have been tardy in updating this before,
but I promise you I will be more regular going forward, so keep watching this space for more.

For the full recap of the series, just click on this link, while I do a small recap of the story here -
if you remember, 6 years ago, we started this story with tale of Yayati and how he made Puru his heir.
Now, Puru was Yayati's youngest son, whereas the eldest, Yadu, was exiled to present day Iran,
while our story turned to Puru's descendant, Shantanu, and how he met Ganga one day at dawn.
Ganga gave birth to eight sons, but killed all but one, and departed when Shantanu asked her why,
Ganga gave him back the only living son, Bhishma, and Shantanu said, "You will be king after I die",
;Meanwhile, we also looked at birth of Satyavati and her son Ved Vyas, both products of lust,
and how Shantanu on the banks of Yamuna found Satyavati, and charmed by her aroma and big bust.
asked her to marry him, which could only be arranged once Bhishma took a vow of never having sex,
Bhishma captures three princess for his half-brother, but Amba tells him "I wanna go back to my ex".
Amba commits suicide, half-brother dies, Vyas impregnates his widows with Dhritrashtra and Pandu,
Pandu marries Kunti & Madri, while blind Dhritrastra weds Gandhari, who says,"kismet's gandu" 
Dhristrashtra is elder but Pandu is made king, but then retires to the jungle because of a curse,
And I will stop the recap here, for well, I am having difficulty keeping it all in verse.

To tell a long story short is not one of life's great thrills, I realize, and the recap was not much fun,
for in the actual story, there is plenty of excitement, cat fights, violence and sex for everyone.
So, dear reader, if you think you want a recap, read the entire story once again and return,
for now we will start Chapter 16: The Real Heroes - 2, the story to which we all shall turn. 

So after Eklavya had been subdued, by taking the Dakshina of his right thumb,
Arjuna was back being the best archer for the other Pandavas and Kauravas were mostly dumb.
And the time soon came to graduate as their studies were now complete,
Drona designed a test, a contest of sorts in which the different students had to compete.
The entire town was there, in a Colosseum like stadium, to watch the princes perform,
and while there were many fans of Pandavas, the support for Kauravas was rather lukewarm.
Bhima and Duryodhana took up the mace and started fighting hard, difficult to say who won,
Yudhisthra excelled in spearmanship, but in archery, Arjuna was undoubtedly number one.
While Nakul-Sahedeva showed people their skills with swords, Arjuna made arrows make fire,
and then he produced rain, and some arrows made people laugh, while others made them tire.
Everyone applauded Arjuna's feats, he was brought to the podium to be facilitated by the king,
when suddenly walked into the stadium a boy clad in golden armour, with shining earrings.

As you all would know by now, that boy was Karna, and he achieved all of Arjuna's feats,
and as soon as she saw him, Kunti felt her heart pumping in faster beats.
For she remembered the sungod, and the wild sex they had years before,
ohh what a great time it was, Kunti's mind relived all the excitement, fun and gore.
But she had abandoned Karna, and feeling bad for abandoning him, she fainted away,
and was escorted outside the stadium, while the performance of Karna still held sway.
He did all that Arjuna had done, and it was an even better show,
And the people, who were all earlier praising Arjuna, soon had placards saying, "Go Karna Go!"
Everyone was amazed to see this regal looking boy, they said he must be son of a great king,
and soon they were talking about him as the actual winner, the real thing.
Karna was soon shouting at the princes gallery, "Let me fight Arjuna to prove who's the best,
let us do all the tricks, and the one to win should be declared the winner of this contest."

As soon as he said it, Kripa and Drona, the two teachers, asked him about his caste,
"You know you can only contest against a prince, if your family is as chaste".
Hearing this, Karna's head fell, as his "father", the charioteer, Adhirath, came forward to bless him,
and seeing him acknowledging his father, Bhima launched out in a mocking tone, as was his whim.
"Oh, you are a Sutputra, the son of a chariot, and you want to challenge a prince,
know your status and go away, before I and my brothers beat you up and make you wince."
Hearing this, Karna's head bent low, feeling ashamed, but Duryodhana rushed to his aid,
told Bhima to shut up, "and a person isn't judged by his birth, but by the stuff of which he's made."
And turning to Karna, he said, "Dear friend, you valour has impressed us all,your kind is very rare,
and hence I will make you king of Anga this very moment, just to show you that I care."
The usual swearing in ceremony done, Karna was proclaimed a king, and Duryodhana said,
"Now that both belong to families of kings, can they fight a fair fight? I want to see Arjuna dead."

However, by then the day had passed along, the sun was getting down, and hence they all went home,
and Karna, impressed by Duryodhana, said, "Pal, they will talk about our friendship even in Rome."
Karna and Duryodhana rode back to the palace together, talking about their new relationship,
and Duryodhana said, quoting Casablanca, "I think this is the start of a beautiful friendship"

Mahabharat 15: Karan and Eklavya: The Real Heroes - I

(Its been a while. I know. Hence you can recap it all here: Its long, its pretty painful, I guess, but well worth the effort I guess). 

Meanwhile, in Hastinapur, the princes continued to study well. Now Drona was not too different from the various different coaching centres of today, he had a special batch of students to whom he himself administered arts, whereas in his academy, there were many other students as well who studied from lesser teachers. Drona's fame had spread far and wide, and soon there were many students who wanted to enter his academy.  Princes from other kingdoms all wanted to study in the greatest school in the land, as did sons of charioteers, stableboys and merchants. Everyone who was a someone wanting to achieve glory in war turned up at the Hastinapur School of Weaponry and Warcraft (HSWW - now you know where did JK Rowling borrow her school's name from). 

As you might have guessed by now, HSWW had four houses.For simplicity sake, we will call them: a) the Slytherin House, which housed the Kauravas, b) the Gryffindor House, which housed the Pandavas, c) the Ravenclaw House, which housed all other Princes, and d) the Hufflepuff House, which housed all non-princes. (Author's Note: It is possible that Ravenclaw housed all non-princes while Hufflepuff the Princes and that I might be mistaken, but who really cares about those two - right?) There was a student who was not a member of any of the houses, Dronacharya's son, Ashwathama, who studied with everyone else for free. Houses were graded on various things during classes, such as sports and arts, and everywhere Gryffindor came out on top, despite having only 5 students. Most of these points could be attributed to Arjuna and Bhima, who were favourites of all teachers.

Now, unlike Hogwarts, where the students from different houses studied together in a class system, HSWW had its own rules which Drona proposed as it suited him. He run the school like his personal fiefdom. We have already encountered the hitherto unspoken Rule 0 of HSWW which went something like this, to put it very crudely: " If you want to be my favourite student and become the best archer in the world, you must make your mother sleep with me. Regularly and discretely. Easier if she is a widow and is hot. Very hot."

Unfortunately for Drona, none of his other students were  as ambitious as Arjuna and despite his repeated hints to mothers of other princes and other females, he failed to bed any of them. Which is when he made the following rule, henceforth called Rule 1 of HSWW:
Drona personally would only teach students of Slytherin and Gryffindor House. Which meant, the Kauravas and the Pandavas.

The other two houses, took lessons from Kripa, who was good but nowhere as the same quality as Drona. However, because the admission fees were very high, and non-refundable, most students had no option but to continue studying with HSWW. Now the curricular of HSWW was also unlike Hogwarts, students could pursue their courses according to what they wanted. It was upto the teacher, seeing their wards potential, the level to which he would teach a particular student. There were no exams, and HSWW had a set closing date after a very long period, when the final practical tests would be conducted and students would all graduate.

Like we have already seen, and for reasons best known to us, Arjuna was the fastest learner in Drona's class. He topped in everything related to archery, which was the main weapon, and was capable of massive destruction. (Don't let the simple bow and arrow fool you folks. Archery was the art and science of knowing a zillion mantras  which could deploy destruction more than a hundred Hiroshimas and Nagasakis put together.). However, the other Pandavas were not too far behind. Bhima was brilliant in wielding the mace, Yudhistra in the spearcraft, while Nakul and Sahadeva were kind of peerless in swordsmanship. Among the 100 Kauravas, while Duryodhana could challenge Bhima in mace, while Dushasana could challenge Nakul and Sahadeva in swords, the others were pretty big disappointments - and not being the teacher's favourite did not help them much.

Among the other students in the other classes, there was only one student who was the fastest learner: Karna, the son of a charioteer, was the fastest learner, and was able to grasp concepts very fast. This was the same Karna, who was thrown by Kunti at his birth, and was found floating on the river by Adhirath, a charioteer of Dhritrashtra. He had a golden skin, black hair, was 6'2" tall and looked like Adonis - quite a contrast to the dark-skinned, short and simple looking Adhirath and his wife Radha. However, the couple took to the boy and raised him as their own son, and gave him all the love Karna could ask for. Never once was he told that he was found in the river, and while he sometimes doubted the colour of his skin, and noticed he had two earrings which he could never remove, he never asked questions from his parents. He had a burning ambition: to be the best archer in the world, and become the greatest warrior the world had ever known. It was with this ambition that he had forced his father to spend a large part of his earnings, and plenty of loan from Dhritrashtra to enroll him at HSWW. The Rule No. 1 of HSWW had come to be a big shock to him. Despite the news, however, he really enjoyed his time at HSWW, and made good friends with Ashwathama, who also finally had someone to talk to.

Ashwathama did not like attending classes with the Slytherin and Gryffindor houses, for his father was teaching there, and seemed to make him work extra hard. He much rather enjoyed the lessons Kripa taught and thrived. Moreover, Ashwathama could never get along with the snobbish princes, who his father always compared him to and seemed enamoured by, while ignoring him and his mother, while the rest of the students at HSWW were not upto his intelligence. Except for Karna, who was intelligent and brave, and confident.

While Karna did not study under Drona, he would use his friendship with Ashwathama to get access to some study notes written by Drona. Ashwathama would steal them for his friend, Karna would take a day to memorize them, and the papers will be back in Drona's study before Drona ever knew. Ashwathama felt bad for doing this, but his father had always told him their relationship in personal and professional spheres were going to be very different. Ashwathama took his help of Karna as a crusade against the evil principal while at home, he looked on Drona as a caring loving father, who helped him secretly to teach what he was teaching Arjuna, hence helping him to become as good as Arjuna.

Karna did not boast about his prowess, but all his peers knew he was special, and would goad him by saying things like, "Dude, you are the best. You are better than Arjuna whom everyone talks about. If only Drona would teach you." However, he never expressed his actual talent to Kripa, who only knew him as a normal student, and had trouble remembering his name, just liked he forgot remembering every other students name.

And then there was Eklavya. Eklavya was son of the Nishad king. Nishads were the tribals who lived in the jungle, dressed up in leaves and bark, and had those wild Afro haircuts. Eklavya was a very talented archer, who had learnt all he could from the peace-loving, hash-smoking Nishads. Like Karan, however, he was very determined and ambitious. And like Karna, he wanted to enroll at HSWW and study from Drona. And so he came upon Drona, and asked him in the most humble of tones, to register him as his student. To which, Drona, who by now, had become filthy rich, and was also growing arrogant told him, "Why should I enroll you? You are a fucking Nishad. You guys have no money. Your women are ugly - while you yourself stink. Give me a good reason to teach you, and I will. Otherwise go away." To which, Eklavya, who was on the burst of tears, answered, "But sir, just give me a chance. I will become the greatest warrior ever. People say I have the talent. " To which, Drona looked at him, and laughed, "And who exactly says that - your Nishad teachers? They are hippies, what have they done other than smoke pot. What degrees do they have? Fuck off, I have to go do some fucking myself. " And so he sent Eklavya away, thinking about Kunti in the interim. (Lets have a poem to introduce some sex in the narrative, shall we?)

Kunti was waiting eagerly for Drona, as she so often did,
for Vidura had gone impotent, and of him she had rid,
Drona was a stud however, despite that big, white beard,
and she became hornier, as the time for his coming neared.
He made her come many times a single night, and made her see the stars and moon,
he was all  she had ever dreamed of in a man, and he made her swoon,
But this relationship was illicit, and she was sad about the fact,
but the sex was so good, that she forgot everything else while in the act.
Even then however, she could not forget her firstborn son, oh what a pretty boy he was,
he must be dead by now, she often worried, and still hadn't overcome her loss.

So Eklavya, meanwhile, fucked off. To the jungle, where he had huge amounts of hash mixed with pot, and set together to make a statue of Drona. His encounter with his idol ought to have crushed him, but Eklavya was made of sterner stuff. He wanted to prove to Drona that he deserved to study with him, and so he built the statue, and still being high, started practicing archery. For a long time, he practiced, and the entire Nishad kingdom was troubled at their Prince's inactivity. But Eklavya did not stop. All he did was smoke, eat and practice. (And yeah go inside the jungle every morning - that needs to be done, doesnt it?). And he practiced and practiced, and for a brief period of time, became so good that he was the best archer ever. Except that there was noone who could recognize it. One day, when a dog came into their realm where Eklavya was practicing and started barking, Eklavya took 7 arrows at once, and filled the dogs mouth with 7 arrows with one shot to make him stop. This was one of the most difficult maneuvers to manage, but Eklavya pulled it off nonchalantly.  The dog was stunned, and turned back. Turned back only a little way, for the dog belonged to Arjuna, The Pandavas had a day off, and it was the House trip, and they had come to the jungle to get in the pants of some Nishad females. Kauravas had managed to fool the Pandavas by making up stories about how easy the Nishad females were to bed. And so the Pandavas found themselves here in the jungle, but this incident put everything else into the back-burner.

Arjuna came up to Eklavya, and seeing him practice, and the real size statue of Drona, asked him, with a princely - yet very squeaky - voice, "Who did this to my dog?" And Eklavya said, "I did, for he was barking and disturbing me." At which Arjuna asked him, "But who are you, how did you do it, and who is your teacher?" At which, Eklavya introduced himself, but said, "Drona is my teacher." At which Arjuna was stunned, for this particular trick he didn't know. He decided to go back immediately and confront Drona. And he went to his mother, who confronted Drona on his behalf. "How come - when you have promised Arjuna to be the best archer in the world, is another student of you able to do things which he cannot. This is a breach of our trust. Remember on what you will miss. I will also accuse you of rape, if you do not take care of this. Post - Braveheart, you know how it is that they are treating people accused of rape, dont you? Hence take care of this soon, or you are gone."

Drona was stunned. All his planning was coming to naught. A rape accusation would also mean curtains for his well-established career. His biggest fear however, was being denied the access to Kunti's love spot. He was by now totally obsessed with Kunti, and did not know if he could live without doing her. This had to be stopped and fast, and he had a plan to save himself. It was a small chance to succeed, but it was the only chance. And so he went with Arjuna, back to the jungle, and where Eklavya was practicing. Eklavya saw him, and said, "Guruji, I am honoured that you have come specially to meet me. See I have your statue, and now I think I have proved myself worthy of being taught by you. Did you see my skills? Thank you, I learnt all this from your statue",  and taking his bow, he showed his yet-unparalleled skills. (Author's note: This is what happens when you smoke too much. Eklavya had delved on the idea of Drona being a teacher. He was high, and hence was unable to distinguish Drona from the statue). Arjuna was aghast and astonished, but all Drona could see was a lack of Kunti in his life. Hence he said, "Wow you are great. But if you say you are my student, where is my fee? What will you give me as fee?" Eklavya, being high, and joyful, "Sir, you are my teacher. All I have is yours, give me your wish and I will get it for you. I promise it, for I am a Prince too, after all." At which Drona said, "Alright then give me the thumb of your right hand." (Archery requires the right thumb for the arrow is released from the thumb). Eklavya was stunned, . "But sir, how would I then...". So Drona said, "Okay, you said you will give me anything, I was just testing your promise. After all, I never thought a Nishad could keep his word. Leave it. " Hearing this, for  he was a prince, and he had promised, and more importantly he was high, he took the knife from Drona, which Drona had brought with him, and smilingly cut off his thumb and told Drona, "Are you happy now, you sonofabitch?". And he said further, I will practice with my other four fingers now. And off he went from there, crushing the statue, and going back to his kingdom.

Drona was stunned at the outburst from Eklavya, but he had managed to keep Arjuna the best archer in the world, and so Arjuna and Drona both went happily back to their school. Arjuna now had no competitor, or so thought Drona. He could not have been more wrong. As the events during the final examinations were to prove. (To be continued)...

Mahabharat 14: Krishna's Awesomeness

(The standard disclaimers apply. Do not read if below 18 years of age).

(A quick recap: Krishna and Balarama grew up in the village, herding cows for a living. They foiled many attempts of Kamsa to kill them, Krishna using his divine powers in most cases. Finally, Kamsa invited them both to Mathura in order to have them killed, but instead got killed by Krishna.)

Now, Krishna was much like Tiger Woods: he was black, he was a genius, and a real womanizer, much in the Tiger Woods mode. Back in the time when he was growing up in the village under cover, he had affairs with many village girls at the same time, a practice that's remembered in India as "Ras Lila". He used to seduce girls through a 3P strategy: a mix of philosophy, poems and perverseness. He also had a flute, which he used to sing these small songs he wrote himself. Here are a few examples (translated from Sanskrit):

Happiness is a state of mind,
And mine is pretty easy to find,
if only you will be very kind,
and show me your naked behind.

Radha, you are the only girl in my life,
and I want to make you my wife,
but before we settle down in our own cozy home,
lets have some fun, and involve Rita in a smashing threesome.

Needless to say, he had his way with women. He had managed to impress himself (pun intended) on every girl he knew in the village - which for a cowherd was unheard for. Which is why they had cried when he had left for Mathura and had not promised to return back.

He looked forward to greener pastures, in a manner of speaking. City girls were way hotter, he had heard, and wore clothes that left little to the imagination. They were often more experimental too, from what little he had read. He had often imagined different positions from the Kamasutra that he could try, but had been unable to get Radha or any of his other beloveds to try them, despite writing songs about them. He had heard that city girls would try anything, and he looked forward to it. But before that a lot of work had to be done - politically.

Krishna, as mentioned , having killed his maternal uncle, Kamsa, refused the throne of Mathura for himself - as was wanted by the people of Mathura - instead giving it back to his grandfather Ugrasen. This was a move that did not please many people who wanted Krishna to be the king - one person had even threatened to commit suicide if Krishna did not become the king. However, Krishna remained adamant, and slowly the people of Mathura accepted Krishna's decision as final, and agreed to Ugrasen as king. Now Ugrasen was an old, bearded, silent man - some recent excavations at Mathura reveal that he looked a lot like Mr. Manmohan Singh - and he did not have much of the power, which was concentrated between Krishna and Balarama, who were both named Princes. This suited both of them, for they had all the power without any responsibility. Krishna wanted to be able to enjoy the city girls in the same way he had the village girls and felt his indiscretions as king would be well-publicized. (Editor's Note: For all those people who claim Sonia Gandhi is not Indian enough, how could she have the brainwave of refusing the post of Prime Minister had she not read the Mahabharat and known this particular incident?)

Krishna was the brains, Balarama the brawn - and they formed a solid team.

The people of Mathura were overjoyed to have Krishna and Balarama instead of Kamsa. The reign of Kamsa saw high tax rates, and the public suffered as a result. Inflation was also rampant, and the common man reeled from effects of daily price rise and oil rate hike. Moreover, Kamsa was among other things, a sex maniac, and no girl was safe from his predations. His acts had spurred a number of parents in Mathura to kill the girl child as soon as she was born - the first recorded history of female infanticide in India. However, with Krishna and Balarama at the helm, people felt much safer, and one of the first popular decisions that the two princes took was to decrease the tax burden - bringing down taxes by as much as 90%. They also banned female infanticide. Bringing down inflation was the top priority of Krishna, who doubled as the Finance and External Affairs Minister, while Balarama looked after departments of Home and Defence. Mathura looked forward to times of peace and prosperity, while the two princes looked forward to enjoy their princely rights - having had a tough childhood in the village.

However, Mathura was immediately under threat. The powerful king of Magadha, Jarasandha, who was one of the most powerful kings in history, was the father-in-law of Kamsa, and by making his 2 daughters widows, Krishna had made himself a sworn enemy. Jarasandha, with an assortment of armies from his many vassal kings, launched an attack on Mathura. There were 100:1 odds offered by bookies against Mathura's survival against such onslaught (Yep, for those of you wondering, betting was prevalent even back then), but Balarama's valour and Krishna's strategy won the day.

However, Jarasandha was not finished, and he gave Krishna and Balarama no respite, attacking them 17 times in a short time, being dragged back each time, but barely giving the princes time to enjoy any of the princely rights they were hoping to enjoy. Jarasandha had a large army, and he was on the verge of attacking Matura for the 18th time. Moreover, war cost money, and soon tax was raised to a level higher than it was during Kamsa's time, which plummetted the ratings of the new princes to a new low level. Inflation ran rampant, and the conditions of the common man worsened. Moreover, a number of men died defending Mathura, and Mathura was soon running out of resources.

Something needed to be done: and so Krishna came up with a new strategy - the move of the capital away from Mathura. Using his divine powers, and the divine architecture, Vishwakarma, he built a new city in Dwarka, which was on the far west corner of India, and as far away from Magadha as possible, and overnight shifted the population from Mathura to Dwarka. (Editor's Note: This is where Indian history scores over Christian and Jewish history. Moses took 40 years of voyage to deliver Jews into the promised land. Krishna did the same distance, and moved more number of people overnight. India rocks!!).

The people of Mathura were kind of surprised when they woke up the next day, but soon they settled and finally looked to long periods of peace and prosperity. And no taxes, for Dwarka was built on an island which had large deposits of oil. Oil income drove the revenues and Dwarka became the ancient day Dubai. While Dwarka thrived and prospered, the two princes got down to pursue their princely pleasures.

Which for Krishna meant, a whole swinging party. He was tall, dark and handsome, and a prince on top of that. Girls threw themselves at him, and he was not the one complaining. He started enjoying life to the hilt, and would soon have 16108 wives, which would make him the most well satisfied men in the history of the world - leaving behind such well known names like Charlie Sheen, Wilt Chamberlain and N.D. Tiwari far behind.

To cut it short, Krishna had an awesome life. As this couplet, translated from Sanskrit, reveals.

I have made love to a sixteen thousand women,
and one hundred and eight more,
I have tried all positions in the Kamasutra,
either soft or hardcore.

Mahabharat 13: Lucky Arjun

(Statuatory Disclaimer: Censor Rating:A).

The news of Bhima's strength made the Kauravas even more likely to avoid him. All except Duryodhana, who took it upon himself to beat him in combat. Drona was a good but biased teacher, preferring Pandavas over the Kauravas, with Arjuna being his favourite. Drona's love for Arjuna was superseded only by his adulation for his own son, Ashwathama, who also joined these classes, and himself became a good friend of the Kauravas.

Many theories abound as to why exactly Drona preferred the Pandavas over the Kauravas. The most obvious one, but one which has been crushed prominently over time, was one of sexual favours. Drona, like other men of those days, was not exactly a one-woman man, and he really liked his women. Kunti, as we have all seen, was sex-starved. It was a win-win situation for both, and Kunti further used it to her advantage by asking for a better treatment of her sons. Kripi probably knew about this relationship but kept quite about it, as those days there was no National Commission for Women to turn to. Ashwathama remained her only hope, and she secretly incited him against the Pandavas. This also explains why Ashwathama grew closer to the Kauravas, and why Kripa, the erstwhile teacher of the princes and Drona's brother in law, favoured the Kauravas a bit more. Kripa had to pay for it by a reduced role in the Mahabharat, and despite being an ex-teacher, his only other major contribution came on the last day of the Mahabharat war many years hence.

Kripa: Drona, there are certain rumours I have heard, and I want you to say that those are false.
Drona: Rumours, what rumours? Ohh, the one about Kunti and I. Yeah, even I read it in the tabloid today. I dont know where they come up with this stuff. I am planning to sue them. Will you become my lawyer and file the case? It is about time your experience with Hastinapur and its law comes to my aid.
Kripa: So you are saying there is absolutely nothing between you and Kunti? What about the tabloid claims that you have been seen coming out of her part of the palace late at night for the past whole month? And Kripi also tells me that you come home later than usual, and dont tell her where you have been.
Drona: Ohh, about that. Those are just regular Parent - Teachers meeting, and Kunti is regularly busy with all the palace stuff during the day, and I need to monitor the students during the day, so get time only in the night. As for Kripi leaving, I hope she comes back. I miss her.
Kripa: Then why dont U go and meet King Dhritrashtra for these Parent-Teachers meeting? Are not the Kauravas also your students?
Drona (angrily): Kripa, you are asking a lot of questions. I am not bound to answer you. You have made you angry, and I curse you that people will forget you and you will get only a small part to play in this story.

The start of the relationship, or the events that lead to it atleast, are mentioned in the Ved Vyas version. The princes had just started their training under Drona, and he decided to test the princes by having an archery contest. All princes were expected to shoot the eye of a bird sitting on a branch of a tree. The boys were lined aged wise, which meant that Yudhistra led them, followed by Bhima, Duryodhana,Yuyutsu,Dushasana and the other 98 Kauravas, Arjuna, Nukul and Sahadeva.

Turn by turn, all of them readied to take aim, and Drona asked them: "What do you see?" And all of them stupidly replied, "I see the tree, the leaves, the bird and the bird's eye", hearing which Drona would prohibit them from taking aim.

By the time Arjuna's turn came, 104 princes had already given the exact same answer and prohibited from taking aim. It does not say much for Kauravas intelligence that they did not figure it out, but they had learnt just one thing all their lives: to follow Duryodhana, and so they just repeated what he had said. Arjuna, however was smart enough to understand there was something wrong with the standard reply, and so when Drona asked him the same, oft-repeated question, Arjuna smartly replied, "I see only the bird's eye." Drona was very happy to hear it, and told him to shoot, and Arjuna shot the bird's eye, making him an instant favourite of Drona.
Poor Nakula and Sahadeva did not get a chance, as the bird was already killed. Just one of the many cases of the exploitation of the sons of Madri by the sons of Kunti.

Arjuna became Drona's favourite, and this love was only increased further when Drona was rescued by Arjuna shooting and killing a crocodile who was carrying Drona away, while the students and teachers were playing in the Ganga.

And then came that day, when it all started.

One night, Arjuna was having supper with his brothers when the electricity went. It was a condition not often seen in the palace, which was immune to power cuts, but the main power plant had to be suddenly shut down because of a fire threat, and the lights were shut off. Even in the dark, the Pandavas continued eating, which gave Arjuna an idea. (Well, actually only Bhima continued eating, the others, as it turned out, were busy slapping each other, and trying to blame the rest. It was a game that Arjuna himself started by slapping Yudishtra, and blaming it on the poor Nakula. Noone ever dared involve Bhima, and seeing the dedication of Bhima eating, Arjuna got his idea. An idea that was to change his life).

Now this is nowhere as revolutionary a thought as the one Newton got when the apple fell from the tree, but you can argue as to why others did not get the idea? As it happened, Arjuna thought that if he could eat supper in darkness, why could he not practice archery in the dark too. And so he left his food, and picking up his bow and arrow, started practicing on the archery range.

Kunti saw him get away and went after him, for he had not yet finished his food. You know how mothers are! So she went after her and kept shouting Arjuna, Arjuna, who, fuelled by his infinite desire to learn, did not heed her.

The reader might be interested in learning what Kunti was wearing at that time. It being almost bedtime, and the public appearance being over, Kunti had removed her white saree, which was a symbol of her being a widow, and had slipped into a comfortable white, a bit transparent nighty. She was an exhibitionist, Kunti was in her heart, and her figure was fully exposed in it. This being the middle of the Indian Summer season, her top two buttons were open to expose a pretty huge cleavage. Despite years of acting like a widow, Kunti had taken good care of her figure, and it was in full show in the nighty. Her mounds good give a good run to Pamela Anderson during her Baywatch days. No man had ever seen her in this figure hugging dress so far except her young sons, but now she ran off after Arjuna, hardly caring about her clothes - or lack of them.

Drona was just finishing off his desk work - he was writing a progress report on each student when the lights went off, and he was just closing up and was readying to go home, when he heard the twinge of an arrow. Curious as to who it might be, he made it to the archery ground, and saw Arjuna practicing in the dark. He was avowed by his dedication, and was about to go to him, when he heard Kunti shouting for Arjuna, and suddenly realized what many men had realized about Kunti: "She is so hot." She looked ravishing, Kunti did, and when she turned to face him, Drona suddenly realized something.

He realized that he was only in his dhoti, and he could feel the blood circulation to his crotch increase, and that his erection was evidently visible. He looked towards Kunti, who had stopped watching Arjuna, and was eyeing him with seductive eyes, and both knew what they wanted.

An hour later, Drona was coming out of the palace with an afterglow. Kunti had sex after a really long time, Drona had managed to get the best lay in town, while Kunti had made Drona promise that Arjuna would become the greatest archer ever, Bhima the best mace wielder, Yudhistra the best spear fighter, while Nukula and Sahadeva would excel in sword fight.

However, the promise to Kunti was never really fulfilled by Drona. For over the next years, two better archers were to appear and rattle Arjuna - Karna and Eklavya, the greatest warriors of the Mahabharat.

Mahabharat-12: The Bhima effect

The Mahabharat series returns after a 2-year hiatus. It will be nice if you could read the first 11 parts here to make some sense of this.

Shakuni : "So did you understand the plan?"
Duryodhana: Yes, mamaji, I did. But is it not wrong to do this?
Shakuni: What wrong? When he beats your brother isnt that wrong? Anyways all you are trying to do is to teach that insolent sob a lesson. You are the good guy here, remember that. You are trying to protect your brothers against the bully.
Duryodhana: I guess you are right, mamaji. Anyways we are only going to give him a long sleep, right, mamaji. But where do I get these sleeping pills from Mamaji?
Shakuni: Bhanje, you leave all those details to me. I will get made the tastiest food and shall add the sleeping pills to it. You just have to invite Bhima to eat it. And knowing him, I am sure he won't refuse. But make sure noone sees you make the invitation.
Duryodhana: I won't let you down, mamaji.
And off went Duryodhana.
Meanwhile, the Pandavas in their home were having fun discussing the various positions in the year end Kamasutra magazine, which Yudhistra, using his superior diplomatic skills, had managed to get away from uncle Vidura. Most of the positions were pretty acrobatic, and the rest of the Pandavas were making fun of Bhima, and how, considering his bulky nature, he would not be able to try the majority of them. And this drove Bhima mad - at his own brothers.
Bhima: I will make all of you suffer. You guys just wait. (And he rushes after Arjuna with a stick).
Yudishtra: Bhima, remember what Mom Kunti and Uncle Vidura told all of us. I am the eldest, and always right.
Yudishtra (being the elder brother who got scolded by Kunti if anyone fought among the Pandavas): Shaant, dandadhari Bhima, shaant!! Arjuna, apologise to your elder brother!
Arjuna: Sorry bhai!! (And see what dirty connotations of that simple statement did Bollywood come up with all these years later).
Nakul and Sahadeva: Sorry Bhai!!
Yudishtra: But Bhima must have his anger assauged. And we people should also learn a lesson not to be disrespectful to Bhima. So Sahadeva, being the youngest, should bear the brunt of Bhima's anger. Bhima, you can give a tight one of the stick to Sahadeva.
And Bhima obliges. But is still quite glum. And so Nakul too is sacrificed.
Nakul and Sahadeva are both clutching their bottoms at the end of it all, wondering what wrong did they do - they did not actually said anything and had only laughed at the jokes Arjuna and Yudishtra made.
Yudishtra (thinking): This will teach these sons of Madri a lesson. She was the one because of whom Dad is dead. And that will also teach them not to ever go against Bhima - and by extension, against me.
Bhima's anger has calmed down by now. And Arjuna and Yudishtra get scot free.
So Yudishtra tells Bhima to calm down and says, "But seriously Bhima, you need to do something about this fat body of yours. You have lost all your muscles now. All you have is fat. Even Mom Kunti had to hear jokes by aunt Gandhari and Uncle Dhritrashtra regarding your weight. You are just 13 now, what will happen when you reach 30, and more. I hate to think. So from tomorrow, I have told uncle Vidura to put you on a strict diet control. No more Aloo ke Parathe for you. All you can have are those Subway sandwiches."
Bhima: But bhaiya, that is so unfair.
Yudishtra: It is all for your good, you will realize. See Arjuna already has had three girlfriends, while you have none. Why do you think that is?
Bhima: That is because I am not interested in one. I am sure I can find myself hotter females who will be enamored by my muscles (showing his biceps) if I tried. Arjuna is ready to do whatever girls asks them to do. He tries a bit too hard, and some girls like that. On the other hand, I have too much dignity. And Bhaiya, even you never have had a girl friend. Why do you think that is?
Yudishtra: I am the eldest brother. This is no way to talk to your elder brother. I will go complain to Mom if you do not apologise.
Bhima: Okay I will! Sorry Bhai (Thinks: He is such a sissy)
Yudishtra (suddenly feeling the urge to press his advantage): And what Arjuna was joking about is right. You will have trouble to have even missionary sex with this huge belly of yours. What is your Body Mass Index? In hindsight, I think I will ask Uncle Vidura to change your Subway Diet to once-a-day Subway Diet. Don't look so glum brother. It is for your own benefit. So you can have good sex. (Thinking: Even Bhima should get good girls once he thins down a bit. Then, like with Arjuna, I can emotionally blackmail him too, and get to second base with his girlfriends as well. Too bad Arjuna has not gone all the way yet with any of them. I am too uptight and unsmart to make the effort to get a girl myself anyways).
Bhima: Yes brother I understand. May I go for a walk now? I need to get fit you know.
Yudishtra: Yes you may.
Bhima goes out of the palace, feeling really depressed. "Once a day Subway diet, how will I ever survive on that?" he wonders, when suddenly he sees Duryodhana approaching. And he remembers the embarrassment he had brought upon his cousin during the afternoon and he lets out a loud laugh.
Bhima: Duryodhana, what are you doing in the Pandavas apartments?
Duryodhana: Bhima, I had to talk to you about something.
Bhima (suspiciously): What is it Duryodhana?
Duryodhana: I am having a small problem, and only you can help me.
Bhima: Why should I help you, you Kaurava!
Duryodhana: Because I will do whatever you want. You know I had a bet with my younger brothers that I could eat 30 pooris in one sitting, but you know I cannot. And I lose two months of pocket money if I lose. Shakuni Mama has agreed to be the adjudicator and will serve food to me. But I have worked out a deal with him, and he will serve you instead. Hence accompany me to the kitchen, and you can eat on my behalf. I will give you a month's pocket money. I cannot lose face among my younger brothers you know.
Bhima (Smiling, Thinks: The fool! He is giving me money for doing what I so desperately want. Food. Let me squeeze him further though): I will do it if you agree to provide me with food for breakfast and dinner also. Your breakfast and dinner.
Duryodhana (desperately wanting the plan to succeed): Yes, whatever. Please help me.
So Bhima goes to the kitchen with Duryodhana, and eats 30 pooris, which according to Shakuni's plan, was adulterated. Not with sleeping pills though. Shakuni had added a full bottle of rat poison in the dough, potent just enough to kill a person who drinks the entire bottle, which Bhima inadverently had. As soon as he finished the food, Bhima fell sleepy as the poison started acting up. Shakuni, in the meantime went to answer the call of nature, and Duryodhana, seeing Bhima sleepy, had a brilliant idea (which can be written as !! in Chess, but actually became a ??). Duryodhana drags the body of Bhima out of the kitchen along with Dushasan, his trusted No. 2 and throws him into the Ganga, and tells the happy news to Shakuni when Shakuni returns after relieving himself.
Shakuni was livid when he hears what Duryodhana has done.
Shakuni: Even fools use their brains sometime, when will you use yours?
Duryodhana (shocked): What do you mean Mamaji, have I not done the right thing? Just making him sleep would not have been a big enough punishment for him right, so I thought I will throw him into river and make him suffer. I sometimes think I am a genius Mamaji.
Shakuni: You fool! I had planned it all. It would have been a big enough punishment. But now you have spoiled it all.
Duryodhana: Why Mamaji? Now he will know not to take panga with me.
Shakuni: (Thinking: I would have burned his body, and all trace of Bhima would have been lost. People would have assumed Bhima ran away because of the tough diet constraint to be placed on him. But now, his body will be found and a thousand questions will be asked. Let me prepare how to handle with him). Duryodhana, you now go and play with your brothers. Let me see what to do. And Dushasan, no one should know about this except the three of us. Right?
Duryodhana, Dushasan: Yes Mamaji.
Meanwhile, the river Ganga was infested with snakes at that point of time. The snakes bit the unconcious Bhima, and anti-venomed the effect of the rat poison. And Bhima was rendered conscious as the poison in his blood was neutralized. The first thing he felt was lack of air in his lungs. He wanted to swim up, but having had always not played attention in swimming classes, he failed. Death loomed on his head as he saw himself being pushed down towards the water bed. But lo! On the water bed before him was an entire palace of gold. He floated himself towards it. And saw the city of the Nagas - the snake people, who were his Mom's maternal uncles. Talk of luck, he thought, as his head swirled - the effect of poison and the water filling his lungs.
Bhima was taken prisoner by the guards of the city and presented before the king of the Nagas, who turned out to be his maternal grand uncle. Bhima noted that he could breathe normally now, even with water all around him. It was a lot like magic. Bhima was still too confused to understand the effect of what happened. After the introductions, Bhima was received warmly by his grand uncle.
Naga King (NK): Welcome to Athlathi - our capital under water. Noone ever comes here, and Bhima, you are a brave man to come here. What brings you here.
Bhima (confused): I dont know. I guess it was food. I feel weak. I need food.
NK: Yes we will give you food. And a lot more. What do you want Bhima, tell me. Do you want money, or sex? Or both. I have a harem of beautiful women. You are my grand nephew and are eligible to enjoy with them. I have much money also, as you can see in the golden palace. Ask I will fill you up with women and money.
Bhima (Thinks: I need to say sex, I want sex the most, yes today will be a culmination of my desire. And I wont even have to become a slave of women like Arjuna does to get one): If you want to give me anything, give me strength. And make me seem the same muscular self I am right now no matter what I eat. That is all I want. I want food. And strength. (WTF! What did I just say??)
NK: Lemme see about it. Women and money would have been easier. And the physical appearance part is also easy. But strength. This one is tough. Chief Minister, do we have anything for strength.
Chief Minister (CM): Yes sir, we have just have had invented a new strength providing capsule. You had employed your best scientific minds to make that capsule exclusively for you. But sir, it is the only tablet we have. And we have kept it for you. It gives the consumer the strength of 16000 elephants. And the scientists who researched the tablets are all dead as per your order - so they could not make another.
NK: So what, Bhima is like my own son. Give the tablet to him. He asks me for strength and we will give him.
CM (Thinks: What a fool our king is? I should be the king, if only my plots will come off once a while).
So Bhima takes the tablet, and immediately gets the strength of 16000 elephants.
The Naga King then orders his CM to leave Bhima to the banks of the Ganges using the submarine. And from there, Bhima comes back to Hastinapur and his palace.
In his absence, rumours had started abounding that Bhima had left the palace as he could not keep up with the strict diet code of his own elder brother. There is large mourning for him, and as Kunti was wailing aloud, along with Gandhari, Bhima appears and tells everyone his Naga King story. He had however, conveniently forgotten about the 30 poori lunch by then, and no one gets to suspect Duryodhana. Some rumours even abound that Bhima had taken rat poison in view of living the one a day Subway diet. These rumours - started by Shakuni - were so strong that even Bhima could not refute them. But it did not really matter. Bhima had the strength of 16000 elephants, and he could eat all he wanted. That was all that mattered.

Mahabharat 11: Kauravas vs Pandavas

Before the advent of Dronacharya, the Kauravas and the Pandavas were getting their preliminary education from Guru Kripacharya. The Pandavas were as good as the Kauravas in studies, and in Bhima, Duryodhana had a match for his physical strength. And Bhima knew it too.
Being a Pandava during those times had its own advantages. They had lost their dad, Pandu - who, when you come to think of it, was not even their dad - and their mom/stepmom, Madri, and so commanded extra love wherever they went. Which meant that they could get away with whatever they did, and the Pandavas had the intelligence to use it to their own strength. Here is an example:
After another hard day at school, Duryodhana is thinking about how fast the Pandavas have caught up with him, when Bhima, the second and strongest of the Pandavas, comes up to him, takes him by the arm and whispers:
Bhima (to Duryodhana): You know, I have access to the latest Kamasutra magazine, it is an year end edition and features the best Apsaras of the year- all nude. Am arranging for a copy - Do you want it, brother?
Duryodhana: Sure, Bhima, where can I get it? I have been waiting to get a copy, but have never been able to get one myself. I dont have the contacts living in this palace. Papa never lets me go out and make new friends, and being the oldest, I am supposed to uphold family tradition and blah blah. How much do I want it, please give it to me. How much will it cost? And how do you get access to it?
Bhima: Your next two months pocket money. You know, Mother Kunti is very strict about money. She doesnt give us Pandavas half as much pocket money as Aunt Gandhari gives you. Says crap about my father being dead and all that. And yes, I have just beaten up five of your younger brothers - they are too many of them if you ask me - I dont even remember their names, but they were making a lot of noise while I was trying to eat mangoes and so I beat them. If they just say anything to uncle Dhritrashtra or Grandfather Bhishma, I will be in trouble. Do take care of that, cant you and I will give you the copy. As for your questions about procuring it, having friends in the jungle helps. You know about piracy? Thats what these guys do. But you know its still a considerable risk getting them, and I am risking that. Just for you.
Duryodhana: OK. I will explain the matter to my younger brothers. Which group was it? Was it the one with Vikarna (that is the loudest, I swear) or is the group with the naughty Sahan in it? Or wait - do you remember any number on their jerseys they were wearing.
Bhima: yeah, one of them had No. 32 written on it.
Duryodhana (after 5 minutes of counting on his fingers): Oh yeah, that was Upanandan, the 32nd Kauravas. Isnt this a cool idea Bhima - and the coolest thing about the idea is - it is mine. I have made Papa order jerseys for us. So that everyone can remember who is who. We Indians being good in maths, I thought it was a cool way to remember my brothers. They have just come in today. Check out my new No. 1 jersey. (Author's note: And when you say 22 for Kaka, you now know where the concept originated - right. They could not have remembered the names without the numbers - could they?)
Bhima: Yes, yes. Enough of this. Talk to Upananda and the rest of the gang, give me the money, and take the copy.
Duryodhana: Thanks Bhima. Dont worry about my brothers. They only do what I tell them to do. And I will tell them to keep shut. Here is the money. Meet me at the back of the blue tree in the evening - I would have talked to them by then. Don't you worry.
Bhima: Cool. Meet you at the back of the blue tree. blue tree, blue tree - and so singing Bhima goes out
(Scene shifts to inside the Kaurava palace).
Duryodhana was masturbating in the Kaurava bathroom with his new (and so far) only copy of the Kamasutra yearend edition, and there was a long line of other Kaurava princes outside, who were waiting to see what the buzz was all about. All they could here was the oohs and the aahs from Duryodhana, and at first they thought their eldest brother had a fit - before being informed by Dushasan (who was the Man Friday for the eldest brother) about what treasures Duryodhana had inside. And then everyone got into line according to their jersey numbers (which again was listed agewise). And as the line was being formed in the bathroom and outside, (for it was a very long line) suddenly in walked the elders, Bhishma, Dhritrashtra and Vidura, with the Pandavas in tow. Duryodhana's aahs and oohs were heard and were proof of the shameful act, while his other brothers were reprimanded and sent back to their rooms.
Dhritrashtra (who was blind): Yeh kya ho raha hai beta Duryodhana? (What is taking place, Duryodhana?) (This was where it all started - it was to become the blind king's most popular dialogue to his son).
Duryodhana (not knowing what to do): aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!
Bhishma : Arent you ashamed of yourself Duryodhana. Reading such magazines at your age. You are spoiling your younger brothers also. Now finish whatever you are doing soon, and come outside soon.
Duryodhana: Yes Grandpa!!!! Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!! I am just coming.
And then Duryodhana came. (Outside I mean, you perverts).
Dhritrashtra: Yeh kya ho raha hai beta Duryodhana?
Duryodhana: Am sorry Papa. You know this new edition is really hot.
Bhishma: Shut up Duryodhana. And tell me where did you get this copy. Vidura take this away ("He is the only one among us three who can use this. Dhritrashtra is blind, and as you all know, I am gay," he might have added, but he didn't).
Duryodhana: Bhima sold it to me. He got it from his jungle friends. And he even beat Upananda, Pasey, Sunaney, No. 63 and No..... (I even forget their names now papa).
Bhima: No no no no..I didnt grandpa. I dont know what he is talking about. I just heard something about a bad magazine here nearby and came to tell you - because magazines like these are a bad influence for someone like Duryodhana. I even tried to stop him, but he didnt listen. Did I not do the right thing? Why is Duryodhana attributing it to me now? Why is he taking my name?
Dhritrashtra: Yudhishtra, you always speak the truth. Is it right what Duryodhana is saying?
Yudhishtra: Why are you questioning me now Uncle? Why is my cousin trying to bring Bhima into the picture? You know our dad is dead and....
Dhritrashtra: I know and I am sorry Pandavas. Duryodhana, you are given detention for the entire month for the shameful act and for lying and putting the blame on your righteous elder cousin, you will not be served food for next 48 hours. Starve now. Your brothers will be detained for two weeks.
Duryodhana: But papa.
But by then his dad, and all the others had left. So Duryodhana went to his uncle Shakuni.

Shakuni : "What happened? Did the Pandavas make a fool of you again?"
Duryodhana: "Yes they did, mamu? But how did you know?"
Shakuni: "Hamaare jasoos is mahal ke kone kone mein hai" ("We have our spies in every corner of the palace - a dialogue that gained popularity only with Sholay some 3000 years later). And anyways, your face tells the story - every time. So what happened now."
Duryodhana finished the story.
Shakuni starts laughing at the end of it all. And then says "So he not only got your money, and beat your brothers, but also got you detained - for a month. How he fooled you!!!" Then suddenly turning grey, he whispered, "That Bhima is an evil boy - you must do something about him."
Duryodhana: "But what can I do. You always say this all the time - and he still makes me a fool, and beats up my poor brothers. And only I am strong enough to fight him. But he is my cousin, and moreover, papa and grandpa will scold me if I pick up a fight."
Shakuni : "Then just sit here talking to me and do nothing. What have your grandpa and papa given you anyways. They love the Pandavas and Bhima more than you, and there is nothing you can do about it."
Duryodhana : "Papa loves me, and grandpa too. But I am not too sure about Vidura. He is the one who is always trying to bring me down, I think"
Shakuni : "They did love you my poor nephew, before the Pandavas came to town. Now they all love the Pandavas. Noone, except me, cares about you."
Duryodhana: "I guess you are right uncle. But what should I do."
Shakuni : "All you Kauravas gather and beat him up to bully him."
Duryodhana: "That won't work, uncle. All my other brothers are afraid of him. Do not want to go near him. I am the only one who is that courageous." (Smiles, feeling proud of himself)
Shakuni : "Foolish, conceited boy you are. If you cannot beat him physically, let us teach him a lesson strategically."
Duryodhana : "How Mamaji?"
Shakuni : "A plan to get rid of Bheema I have. Are you interested?"
Duryodhan: "Yes I am"
And he whispers!!!!!

(To be continued)

s

Mahabharat 10: The Advent of Drona

Kripacharya and Kripi were twins of the Brahmin Shardwan and an apsara Janapadi. Contrary to other Brahmins, Shardwan was a great archer, and threatened by his valour, Indra send his apsara Janapadi to seduce him. Shradwan was hunting on the banks of the Ganga river when he noticed Janapadi. He had been immune to female form before, having his desires under control, but as soon as she saw the beautiful apsara, Shradwan lost all control, and had a big hard on. He could not control himself when the apsare came over and started touching his bare chest. What also helped was that it was soon turning dark, and these two bodies lay over one other on the weeds. Soon he was sucking her beautiful and heavy breasts, while she was giving him a hand job. Shardwan felt in heaven - literally, for he had an apsara from heaven - and soon they were into the real thing. Shardwan enjoyed every minute of it, it was his first time, and that too with an apsara!!! But while he wanted to make her his bitch, she requested him not to impregnate her, and so he had to cum all over her breasts and mouth. However, a part of his seed and the apsara's wet juices, who had been turned on by the athletic Shardwan more than any Deva, also managed to find their way into some weeds, and parted those weeds into two parts, and there - in a process which can only be defined as test tube babies - were born Kripa and Kripi, nine whole months later.
As soon as the sex was over, and Shardawan lay panting over Janapadi's naked body, Shardwan knew he had been fooled by Indra, as Brahmins lost most of their valour after being seduced by Apsaras. He then told Janapadi to go back to heaven, and resumed his archery lessons, caring nothing about the embryos they had left there in the jungle. The embryos survived rain and heat, and as soon as they were born, were picked up by Shantanu, who was passing that way - in one of those moments when he travelled along the Ganga daily after Ganga had left him. The boy Kripa became the official Guru of the Hastinapur court, while Kripi grew up to be a beautiful brahmin girl, who was married off to Drona, a Brahmin who had become famous as the greatest archery teacher of all times.
Now Drona's birth also has a peculiar story. His father Bhardwaj was a very famous sage, who was going to take a bath with his other sages, again in the river Ganga. This happened in Dehradun (which means a clay pot in Sanskrtit), where he beheld a beautiful apsara named Ghritachi who had come to bathe. Seeing her, even the sage Bhardwaj lost all control, and started masturbating. Because he was a sage who wanted to rid himself from all attractions and so was furious at himself even as he was openly masturbating seeing the apsara. And so as not to let his semen go waste, he captured his semen in a pot (Drona), read some mantra into it, and out sprang Drona - who later boasted that a woman was not even involved in making him.
Drona spent his childhood in poverty as the child of the renowned sage Bhardwaj. His father taught him Vedas, and the use of arms. Bhardwaj was also a friend of the powerful Panchala king Prishata, whose son Drupada was of almost same age as Drona. Drupada was sent to Bhardwaj's ashram as his student, and soon gained the knowledge of arms to become one of the best archers, while Drona became more engrossed in Vedas, like his father. A great friendship fostered between Drupada, who despite being a prince was very down to earth, and Drona, who was very intelligent, which Drupada appreciated. Being the students of the same teacher, Drupada even told Drona one day : "One day when I will become the king, Drona, I will give half of my kingdom to you, as a mark of our friendship. People will remember us for ages to come."
But then their education ended, and Drupada returned back to being the prince, while Drona became a sage like his father. In those days, in the absence of mobile phones and internet, it was pretty difficult to keep in touch, and so Drona only knew of Drupada's well being when a passerby told him that Drupada's father was now dead, and that Drupada was the new king, which made Drona feel happy for his friend. By this time, Drona's father, the great sage Bhardwaj, had also ascended to heaven.
The matchmakers of the area got the bachelor Drona married to Kripi, the beautiful sister of Kripa, and it was the start of a beautiful friendship between Kripa and Drona, two great teachers to be. Drona was on cloud nine after the marriage. It was his first time with a girl, and the memory of the sweet wedding night remained engrained in his mind for time to come. He had never been told the secrets of a woman's pleasure by his father, so he continued to explore the body of his new wife, and was happy. He soon became a father, exactly nine months after his wedding night. The boy child was beautiful but neighed like a horse instead of crying out when he came out of his mother's womb, at which an aakashwani was heard : "This boy neighed like a horse, so name him Ashwathama." In those days, aakashwanis were as sacrosanct as deadlines are in IIMC today, so it was followed.
It was love at first sight. Drona could never imagine any child as beautiful as his own. As time progressed, Ashwathama looked up to his father, a fact that made him very happy (in fact the only fact that made him happy) : for lets face it, Drona, for all his knowledge of Vedas and the arms, was a LOSER, who still made up his living mostly by begging for alms. He did not want to take ordinary students in his gurukul, and the admission criteria being very tough, and he did not get students in his gurukul like his father used to. So he made ends meet mostly by begging and hunting and his wife, who had given up her palatial status, was always reminding him about his poverty after the honeymoon ended. So the day that Kripi came to know that Parshuram, the renowned teacher, was giving away all his possessions, she sent Drona to ask him for his money - for Parshuram was a very rich sage. However, by the time Drona reached, all of his worldly possessions were taken and Parshuram was left with was weapons and his knowledge of those weapons. He didn't take students easily, but Drona was said to be a pretty fast learner, and so he asked Drona if he wanted his knowledge of weapons, to which Drona remembered his wife's stern words: "Don't come back unless you get something from Parshuram. Beg, borrow or steal, but do come back with something.", and therefore agreed to be Parshuram's student. Being a Brahman and having knowledge of arms from his father, Parshuram gave him all his weapons and told him his secrets and instructed him to become a great teacher. Drona went back to his village- it was a long arduous journey - feeling very happy, about getting Parshuram's weapons and his secrets, and how Parshuram had predicted that Drona will become a great teacher.
One day,Ashwathama was playing with his friends - all of whom were well to do - and saw them drinking something from a glass, and he innocently asked, "What is this?" To which his friend replied. "It is milk. It is very tasty." And Ashwathama asked,"Can I have some, never before have I tasted it", to which his friends laughed. They said, "This is finished, let us get some more for you." Now these rich kids wanted to have a bit of fun at Ashwathama's expense, so they put some water to rice, mixed it well, and told Ashwathama, "Here this is milk. Have it." And Ashwathama drank it well and with pleasure, and danced around in pleasure, saying that, "I have tasted milk - Wow." By then the entire village had gathered to watch Ashwathama antics, and villagers were whispering, "Shame on Drona, who some say has now become a great archer, but his son cannot even afford to have milk, and drinks rice water as milk." As it so happened, Drona was just coming back from Parshuram's ashram, and overheard this last comment. Drona got incensed, and was further angered, when he saw Kripi crying over the treatment meted out to their son. Kripi asked him, "I hope you got us some money", to which Drona replied, "I just got more knowledge," to which Kripi retorted, "And when has knowledge fed anybody? You know how our child was made a fool of - and look how happy he looks. Why don't you kill me and our child rather than subjecting us to such poverty and scorn!" And that, when pressed by these charges of his wife, he blurted out, "Wait - I will do whatever is in my power - I am leaving this village. Pack you bags - We are leaving for Panchal tonight. The king of Panchal, Drupad, is my best friend. He will give me half a kingdom, he has promised me. We will live in richness ever after."
And so they packed their bags, leaving their ancestral village for good, Drona, Kripi and the young Ashwathama. All along the way, Drona kept boasting to Kripi about how Drupad will treat Ashwathama as his own son; and how he will give them a welcome fit for a king. Kripi was impressed by the talk- but had a lurking suspicion something would go wrong. And it did - horribly wrong. Drupad had just got married to a gorgeous princess, and all his time was spent having sex with her, or drinking - and he liked living life on a high. He had also grown proud of his immense wealth and his valour - for he had made the Panchal nation stronger than any other in the whole of Bharat. Also on that particular day - he had a bit more sex and a bit more alcohol, and he felt very high. So when Drona came up to his darbar, and said, "Friend - remember me - I am your friend Drona, welcome me, amigo.", Drupad just laughed, and taking the cue, the rest of the darbar, laughed with him. When the laughter stopped , Drupad told Drona, "Surely you are a fool, for you say that you are my friend, for only a fool will make such a statement. We might have been friends once - but then we were similar for we were students. A king cannot be friend with an unworthy and poor Brahman like you. There can be no friendship being strong and weak, being wise and foolish, and as time conquers all, it has also conquered our friendship, so I am no longer a friend. Hence do not address me as your friend, but ask for alms as an ordinary Brahman, and I will let you have whatever you want." Drona was speechless with anger. He was not a man of many ambitions, but this insult left him fuming, and without saying a word, he took his wife and son and walked out of the court- his mind burning with desire for revenge. He thought of a plan - and told Kripi and Ashwathama, that they were going to visit her brother Kripacharya, and off they went to Hastinapur.

Mahabharata 9: The Kauravas and the Pandavas - 2

Kunti was sad. The jungle life didn't quite go with her. She was a city girl, who loved parties and the adulation of the public. Even the birth of her three children, Yudhishtra, Bhima and Arjuna, had been unable to give her life a meaning. She still often brooded about her eldest son, Karna, the son of the Sun-God, Surya, whom she had thrown into the river for fear of someone finding out about her affair with the God, for pre-marital sex was banned at that time. She knew that there was a very small chance of him still being alive, but she knew somehow (mother's instinct) that he was still alive, and moreover, doing well for himself. And she also knew that his armour and earrings distinguish her eldest son from anyone else on earth, and if she were to ever see him, she would recognize him at once. "And then what would I do?" she often wondered, and she never could come up with the answer.
Meanwhile, the Pandavas were growing up hale and hearty, and Pandu was still making along by masturabating for sex was a strict no-no. To tease him, Madri and Kunti were acting more and more like lesbian partners. Pandu, being pained by Madri's confession that she had not one, but two Gods inside her at the same time (which lead to the birth of Nakul and Sahadeva, the twins) had banned any more sex for both Madri and Kunti, which led them to seek each other. The Pandavas were being taught by the sadhus in the jungle, and their mothers saw to it that they knew that the Hastinapur kingdom was technically theirs for the taking, for their father (foster-father) was the king of Hastinapur, fallen upon bad days. And so the years passed.
Till the day Pandu lost it. Quite literally. It was the twelfth birthday of Arjuna, and the entire family was busy with the birthday celebration. Madri was looking really sexy in her new dress, and Kunti too, as always, but Pandu was really sad. He had been denied sex for so long, and while he had taken to masturbation a lot, it wasn't quite the real thing. The entire family was busy in cutting the cake and feeding the sadhus. The lustful eyes with which the sadhus were lechering at his two wives, made him even sadder. And the body language of Madri and Kunti also showed him that even they didn't mind the passes being made by the sadhus, through their double meaning sentences, (such as "tumhara doodh bahut accha hai", at which Kunti just said, "Aur piyo rishiji, humaare pati to ab hamara doodh pee hee nahin sakte", and they all had laughed, all except Pandu, who felt humiliated). He was being made the cuckold here, and he certainly did not like it. "Keep some standard, women" he wanted to shout out to his two wives, who, as far as he knew, only had sex before with him or gods (leaving aside Kunti with Vidur, of course, but even Vidur was a god incarnate according to Ved Vyasa), and stooping themselves to saadhus' would bring disgrace to the family. But seeing the lust in the brahmins' eyes also turned him pretty horny. He could see what all was he missing - the figures of his two wives had not changed much even after giving births - and he knew at that moment, that he wanted sex. Taking Madri by her waist, he took her into the bedroom and kissed her. Madri was overcome with this show of emotion by Pandu, and while her flesh was willing to go the full distance - it had been 11 long years since she last had sex- she calmed herself, and told Pandu to stop. "Please stop, dear husband - or you will die." Pandu: "But I can't, and this life is not worth living after all. I prefer death to such a life - and what better way to die than in the arms of ones beloved. So come lets fuck." And he starts sucking those wonderful globes. Madri: "But this is wrong hubby. I can't be the reason for you to die. mmm...but it feels so good, keep doing it. Don't stop." And as you can guess now, Madri had sex for the first time after 11 years, while Pandu had after 16 long years. They had soon gotten naked and enjoyed many sexual positions, forgetting all about the curse Pandu was under. It was the best sex anyone had ever enjoyed, and Madri was still moaning "harder, harder" when Pandu's face suddenly went white. He had sweat spots on his face, and he had fallen dead while ejaculating into Madri. Madri let out a huge cry, "Kunti Didi" which made Kunti leave the celebrations and run into the bedroom, to see Madri in bed with her husband who was now dead.
Kunti:"Husband, what has happened? Bitch, what have you done?" (Starts crying).
Madri: "I am sorry, but I just could not stop myself - or him. I am really sorry. Forgive me sister."
Kunti: "Now who will care for us now? What will we do without a husband?"
Madri: "Didi, let us prepare the funeral site. I, being responsible for Pandu's death, will burn along with it. But promise me, Didi, that you will take care of Nakul and Sahadev as your own sons."
Kunti: "Pandu has already left me. Now you want to leave too. But what will I do without you two? I am sorry for calling you a bitch - please don't leave me. Just be here, and we can think of something."
Madri: "Didi, I am sorry, but I cannot bear the guilt of being responsible for his death. So let me go as well. And please promise me."
Kunti: "I promise Madri, but tell me - how did he feel after all these years? You were lucky I must say, for having seen Pandu in his greatest glory after so long."
Madri:"He was great sister, it was so much fun, and after having had experienced it, it is better to die than to live, and so let me burn along with my husband."
And so Madri sits on the funeral pyre along with the body of her deceased husband, and burns alive. This was later mouldedd into the tradition of Sati in India.
Hearing about Pandu's death and Madri's subsequent sati, the entire Hastinapur clan was mournful. Pandu had been apparently a great king, grandson, son, nephew, brother and husband. After the mourning period was over, Bhishma himself went to Kunti in the jungle and told her to come back to the Hastinapur palace along with the five Pandavas, to take their rightful place as princes. So Kunti came back to the Hastinapur palace, to live as a queen, and the five Pandavas, got some new friends - their Kaurava cousins. Pandavas and their mother got a new apartment within the palace walls, and enjoyed the change from the forest life they were used to.
Meanwhile, all the Kauravas were deeply influenced by their big brother, Duryodhana - all except Yuyutsu, the step-brother. Meanwhile, Duryodhana himself was under the spell of his maternal uncle, Shakuni, who had told him all this while, that being the eldest son of the eldest son (Dhritrashtra) Duryodhana deserved to be the new king of Hastinapur after his father. And all of Shakuni's efforts were towards making Duryodhana believe it himself. Duryodhana for his part showed signs of greatness even when he was quite young. The training of the Kauravas started early - when they were just twelve infact - and Duryodhana was easily the best among them. The training was conducted by Kripacharya, the in-house teacher who had also taught Dhritrashtra, Pandu and Vidura. Kripacharya also had a sister, Kripi, who was married to the great teacher, Drona.
So when the Pandavas joined the Kauravas, Bhishma suggested that the Pandavas train too under Kripacharya, and they did. Duryodhana, who never before had any competition to his stature as the best, could not get used to the idea of someone surpassing him, which is what Yudhishtra did in the political sciences department, while Bhima beat him in strength. Moreover, Duryodhana could not quite come to terms with the fact that while earlier he was the adored one, the affections of his parents and grandparents, and even great grandmother Satyavati were divided among the Kauravas and the Pandavas. Only Shakuni, his maternal uncle, loved him as much as before, he thought. And as the others withdrew from him, he grew closer to Shakuni, whose mind was still on defeating Bhishma, and in Duryodhana, he finally had a weapon. And there lay the seed of the discord, which ultimately led to the Mahabharat.

Mahabharata 8: The birth of Krishna

While all the sex was happening in the Paurava side of the Yayati family, the Yadavas were not too behind. The Yadavas had broken down into many different families of their own by the time of the Mahabharat. One of these families was the kingdom of Mathura, run by King Ugrasen, and by his son Kamsa. The other prominent Yadav family was that of King Shoorsen (the real father of Kunti), and his son Vasudeva. Vasudeva had many wives, and was a good friend of Kamsa, who was a great warrior but was also a cruel ruler. He was also terribly lazy, so instead of the hunting ploy used by the Hastinapur kings, Kamsa used to devour the tastiest virgins of his kingdom by force in his own palace, sending his soldiers out to get them. And is it turns out, he was not very smart or anything, and he really liked to torture his 'catch' during the entire night. The citizens of the kingdom were often tortured, and their daughters were always in danger of being raped, but the king Ugrasen could do nothing about preventing his son's growing power. Kamsa, to his credit, had positioned Mathura as the dominant Yadava kingdom, and his marriage to the daughters of Jarasandha, the powerful king of Magadha, had managed to make him even more powerful. All Yadavas were afraid of him and the torture he meted out to those against him. So Vasudeva decided, in the interest of all the Yadavas to tell him that enough was enough, and that he should stop being such a tyrant on his citizens.
The Yadavas had the custom of having many wives. Vasudeva was a much married man (he already had seven other wives and had a good time - Yadavas, unlike the Pauravas believed in polygamy) and while he waited for a one to one with Kamsa on the matter of his cruelty, chanced to see Kamsa's cousin Devaki, barely eighteen then, (and from what we hear - pretty hot and sexy) and got a good hard-on seeing her. Knowing however, that he was not a Tom Cruise, when Kamsa finally came (after raping another virgin, he told him , "You know Kamsa, we have been such great friends. Why don't we become relatives as well."
Kamsa:"That's great. Which of your sisters can I marry? I have heard a lot about Kunti, the one your father gave away. Heard she has turned into a great beauty. It will be great to have her." Vasudeva: "No, no, Kamsa, I cannot get Kunti married. She is now the adopted daughter of Kuntibhoja, but..."
Kamsa: "..What about your other sisters then? Can't I marry any of them? They are all hot, from what I hear."
Vasudeva: "But they all are already married. And moreover, I came to talk about my marriage, not yours."
Kamsa: "Your marriage? But you are already married, and that too seven times, aren't you, while I am married only twice - and that too largely being political wedocks - to the daughters of Jaransadha? What are you proposing though, by the way?"
Vasudeva: "You know about your cousin, the daughter of your father's younger brother, Devaki. Has not she just turned eighteeen? And what better husband for her than your very good friend, me. I will keep her so happy (and she will keep me so happy as well), and it will be a grand wedding. Moreover, the kingdoms of Shoorsen and Ugrasen will unite."
Kamsa (pondering for a while): "What you say makes sense, Vasudeva. We can arrange for your marriage to Devaki. Is it why you came all the way? To ask for Devaki's hand?"
Vasudeva: "And there is another small matter, Kamsa. The citizens of your kingdom are tired. You are all powerful, as you are, but could you be a little less cruel to your subjects?"
Kamsa: "Are you telling me to change my intrinsic nature? Then that is not possible. And the marriage can be re-negotiated if you want."
Vasudeva: "No no, forget it. I had come to ask for Devaki's hand."
Kamsa: "It is yours, my friend - and infact is all of her body (evil grin). Let us have a grand wedding."
Vasudeva: "But what about Devaki's consent. Will she agree?"
Kamsa: "How does her consent matter? She will marry wherever I tell her to marry, and that's that. " (Calls his minister): "Begin the preparation for the grand wedding."
And so there was a great wedding. Kamsa proved to be the ideal brother, hosting the lavish affair. It is said it could put Laxmi Niwas Mittal's daughter marriage to shame. Great many maidens were given as gifts to the guests, and all citizens of Mathura were to provide all their produce to cater for the wedding. All was going well for Vasudeva - the wedding was complete, and Kamsa was drawing the chariot to take the two when tragedy stuck, through an Aakashwani, which said: "Kamsa, the eighth son of Devaki will be a cause of your downfall." Hearing this, Kamsa pulled out his sword and proceeded to kill Devaki herself, but was stopped by Vasudeva, who promised to send the eighth born of Devaki to Kamsa as soon as he was born, for Kamsa to kill him. However, Kamsa, being the cruel ruler that he was, also demanded that all of Devaki's sons be brought to him, which was agreed to immediately by the horny Vasudeva.

Anything I can do to let me screw your cousin sister." And so off they went, Devaki and Vasudeva, to the kingdom of Shoorsen, where Devaki lived as the eighth wife of Vasudeva. And though Vasudeva divided his time among his wives, he was a bit more affectionate towards Devaki, who got pregnant in quick time. A son was born, who was carried off to Kamsa, who mercilessly killed the child. As time went by, Kamsa got more and more threatened by the yet to be born child, and killed off six of Devaki's sons, as soon as they were born. By this time, Kamsa had also managed to annex Shoorsen's and other Yadavas kingdoms for himself. He even took full control of the kingdom of Mathura, taking his own father as a prisoner and also made Vasudeva and Devaki prisoners. He had them put under the darkest cell of his prison, and had his best security guards to guard them from escaping. What really rattles everyone in this story is, as to why did he allow Devaki and Vasudeva to be together all this while - to let them produce six offsprings? Well, after much research, I have come to the conclusion that the Aakashwani mentioned just Devaki's son and she might have had other kids, who were not technically Vasudeva's. You get what I mean, right? So well, Kamsa was not as stupid as might look at first sight. He allowed them their pleasures, but kept his eye firmly on Devaki's stomach. (That's a metaphor, btw). And so there were news that Devaki was pregnant with her seventh child, but with a bit of divine intervention involved, the womb was transferred from Devaki to Rohini, the eldest of Vasudeva's wives, who had escaped Kamsa's rage by living as a common villager in Nand Gaon, a suburb of Mathura. (Heard of surrogate mothers- we Indians had it all before the west even started). Meanwhile it was reported to Kamsa that Devaki's seventh child was born dead. As it turned out, the kid that grew up in Rohini's womb grew up to be Balarama, considered to be an incarnation of the SheshNag. Meanwhile, Devaki got impregnated again (with the eighth child), around the same time that Kunti was carrying Arjun in her womb, and this time the kid was born in the prison itself, but somehow (with divine help again) managed to escape from prison as soon as he was born. He was taken by Vasudeva, (who came back to the prison to decieve Kamsa) , to the house of Nand in Nand Gaon, where he was named Krishna, and adopted by Nand's wife, Yashodha. Krishna is believed by many to be an incarnation of the God Vishnu himself. As it passed, Kamsa knew he had been fooled, and went on a manhunt to capture Krishna, and sent many demons as well, but Krishna, helped by Balarama, managed to kill them all, and finally killed Kamsa himself - to fulfil the prophecy. And Ugrasen again became the new king of Mathura, while Krishna and Balarama became princes. Order was restored - for now. Krishna and Balarama grew up as Yadava princes, the cousins of Pandavas through Kunti.

Mahabharata 7 : The Kauravas and the Pandavas

Remember the saying "Jungle mein Mangal". Now, Mangal refers to the planet Mars and Tuesday which as all astrologers will tell you, refers to number 3. Tuesday is the third day of the week, Mars is the third nearest planet from the sun (excluding Earth), and is also the third smallest planet. So well the origin of the saying is also from the Mahabharat, or rather the fest that I am not going to describe here, as children and girls might be reading this, but to cater to the larger male dominated market, let me just say that Pandu, Madri and Kunti indulged in positions which made it to the new edition of Kamasutra because even the sages had not thought of them. (For all those of you who think that Vatsyayana wrote the Kamasutra, here is the truth - Kamasutra was a magazine long before Vatsyayana, compiled by sages. Vatsayana just brought out a bounded cover copy of the same, a long time after Mahabharat, and rated these new positions - of threesome with two innovative women and a man- the highest). All this while, because Kunti and Madri were still below 20 (which was considered the healthy age for a girl to get pregnant), Pandu wore a condom. All this sex was acting as a relaxant after all those conquests and battles, and Pandu was ready to go back to rule his kingdom, when tragedy stuck. One day, while hunting (and contrary to his forefathers - Pandu hunted only for the thrill of killing animals, for he had the two sexiest beauties waiting for him back home), Pandu saw this mating deer couple. Now, as the relationship between Pandu and his two wives was so sex-crazy, Pandu thought a dead dear couple mating in the bedroom would be a good simulant to have sex (no they did not have 7x porn those days, but people's preference have not changed since), and so decided to kill them both with one arrow. As soon as the arrow stuck the deer and doe, however, they changed form, revealing a sage mating with his wife. (Sages knew a lot those days - they could change form as wll, in case you were wondering), and yells of human pain and suffering filled the entire jungle. Pandu was shocked, and as soon as he reached the sage begged for forgiveness. But the sage was livid and dying, along with his wife, and it is very difficult to placate an angry sage, dying or otherwise. And here comes the most sex filled last words ever.
Sage : O Pandu, I was mating with my wife, because she was feeling horny (now, you know where does that word come from - horny means with horns). We try sex turning into different animals, and it was always great. But you have ruined it.
Pandu: Sir, I am really sorry, I did not know you were a sage, I thought you were but a deer and doe mating, and there are no anti-poaching laws yet (and even if they are, I will repeal them), but can you teach me how to do this - i will turn into a horse - for obvious reasons.
Sage: Fuck you, Pandu (Or wait, Never fuck you!). You killed me at my most intimate moment with my wife. I am dying Pandu, and all because of you. Because I am a sage and I have the power to do it, let me curse you. I curse you that, because you killed me when I was having sex with my wife, the next time you have sex with yours - no wait, not your wife, but rather any woman - you will get a heart attack and die. And I even include kissing.
Pandu: No sir, I am really sorry, but I did it inadvertently. Please don't let me through this. I will die.
Sage : That is the whole point dude. (and so dies the sage, along with his wife).
Pandu gets back, tells his wives the whole story and says - "now what is the point in living, I will rather die. I don't want to go back to my kingdom. I will spend the rest of my life here. No sex, no life, and what will I do. And I cannot even fuck you two beauties anymore. So you too can leave now if you want - but I have decided I like it better here. It is healthy and moreover, I can cancel that deal with Vidur".
Kunti :"Which deal?"
Pandu :"Well it was nothing, but I have decided, I am staying here. You two can decide for yourself, but it will be better if you leave and take new husbands - I will myself vouch for your talent as loving and caring wives, with extra stress on loving (Wink)."
Kunti: "bastard, you fucked us both. Metaphorically, I mean. What will we do? We can leave you but then who else will marry us? Everyone prefers virgins, not divorced women like us. So what do we do - We married the MEB of his time, and now see. Hey God, why do I have to go through all this? Help me."
All Gods (Together): "which one is she calling - Do we all go?"
Sun God :"This is not the mantra, you horny bastards. The mantra is in Sanskrit. You will know when you are called. Right now, she is just crying."
All Gods : "Oh, shit. OK"
Madri: "Kunti sister - let us stay with him. Having us around and not being able to fuck us will complicate his misery. Anyways, the way these people at Hastinapur look at me freak me out. Also I like it here - I was never much of a city girl anyways."
Kunti: "But I loved the city. This is not done. But otherwise history will call me a bitch, so I will also stay. But then who rules the kingdom?"
Pandu: "My elder brother, Dhritrashtra of course. I will send a telegram soon telling them we are not coming back. Make Dhritrashtra the king. Anyway I am not going to have any sons now."
The news was recieved in Hastinapur with mixed emotions. While Dhritrashtra was very happy, Vidura was sad. Bhishma and the other elders decided that everything happens for the best and made Dhritrashtra the king and Gandhari the queen of Hastinapur.
Meanwhile in the jungle, Vidur came visiting Pandu, and reminded him of the deal. Pandu said "but now I am no longer the king, and so the deal stands cancelled. "
Vidur:"But you were the king, and so I did my part, and now I just ask for my payment. Anyways you might give a thousand arguments, but I am not the wisest person in these parts for nothing. I will have an answer to all those. So just compile by your promise."
Pandu:"All right, you got me there. Kunti come out."
Kunti: "What is it? I am busy with Madri. Okay, aahhh, I am coming" (Wow - what a pun, she thought).
Pandu: "I have to talk with you. I had a deal with Vidur, he helps me become the king, I let him father my first child. Now that today is your 20th birthday, he is here to fulfil the obligation. The first Pandava (Son of Pandu) which actually be son of Vidur, and he will be the only one. But noone can know about it."
Kunti: "What kind of a cuckold are you, Pandu? I was just going to tell you a secret - I have a mantra with which I can seduce Gods, and all you want me is to sleep with your younger step brother. This is not done - I had rather sleep with Gods, if you don't have a problem, rather I will do it even if you have a problem."
Suddenly Ved Vyas appears upon the scene, in the jungle from nowhere. Pandu, Vidur, Kunti and Madri get up to greet him, and Ved Vyas says, "I know all about Kunti's boom from Sage Durvasa. I know she can be bedded by any God, but Vidur is himself the incarnate of Dharam (Yama - the God of Death). It is a long story, but I will still tell it to you. Once Yama sent a sage to hell, and when the sage asked that why, after living such a pious life, should he be condemned to hell, Yama told him, "You were a very pious man, but in your childhood you killed and tortured many insects. It is a result of those sins. " And the sage, although dead, was still a sage, and so he cursed Yama that because Yama had judged his actions no-justly, Yama was to live on earth for one full generation. (Living on Earth is a curse for Gods staying in heaven). So Vidur is that incarnate. Or well, maybe he isn't but just to make the story interesting, I will make him an incarnation of Yama. And well if Kunti beds him, the child born out of the wedlock (!) will be called Dharamputra, and the way I will write this story will make it seem as if she bedded the Dharam God itself. You know I love Vidur the most among my three sons. I can do anything for him. Infact, I am going to immortalize you all by writing about you in my fictional book, which I have decided to name Mahabharata. And Vidur will be always on the right side - don't you guys worry."
Pandu, Vidur, Kunti and Madri (totally flabbergasted) : "Okay - whatever." And Vyas goes out.
Vidur: "So Kunti, is this that time of the month?"
Kunti: "Yes it is. Let us go."
Pandu: "Yes, you two enjoy as much, but I want to watch."
Madri: "Pandu, can I join them? You know I love threesomes."
Pandu: "No Madri, you can have all the lesbian with Kunti, but to see you with another man will kill me. You are my favourite wife. But you can watch them with me, but please don't touch me."
And Vidur had the time of his life with Kunti, who after the blazing Sun God, and the persistent Pandu with Madri, didn't really enjoy it much. So she decided, once this is done, it is going to be the real Gods - incarnations won't do.
And so Kunti got pregnant, with Vyasa telling Bhishma, Dhritrashtra and the elders at Hastinapur that the son to be born was the "gift" of Yama . Meanwhile, Gandhari had already announced her pregnancy to Hastinapur, which was awaiting its heir. However, nine months passed by, and nothing happened. The lump in Gandhari's stomach just grew, and she did not even feel the labour pangs. On the other hand, Kunti delivered a healthy boy, a boy they called Yudhishtra. Hearing of the birth of Yudishtra, Gandhari got totally psyched, and being the masochistic being she was, started hitting her bulging stomach, which led to a big mass of meat out from her vagina. She then started wailing - the thing she did best, and tried cutting her veins, before Ved Vyas appeared out of nowhere - now you know who is the real hero of the story.
Being a great sage, Ved Vyas took the lump of mass, divided it into a hundred and one pieces, and put them into different pots. He read some mantras into the pots, and told Gandhari that everything will be all right, and took her to a psychiatrist, where Gandhari stayed for an year. Meanwhile just six months after the birth of Yudishtra, Kunti told Pandu that she had enough of lesbian sex, and that she wanted a real man (or God) - Vidura won't do. Pandu agreed on the condition that he be allowed to watch them in the act, to which Kunti agreed, and on a windy day, seduced the wind god, Vayu, through the mantra. (Just her bad luck that she got really horny on days that were the in days for her - if you know what I mean). It was a night of wild passion, the petite Kunti under the strong Vayu, and turned Pandu on a great deal, though it was too much for Kunti to bear. "Next time it will be someone gentle." This one night stand produced the powerful Bhim after a whole nine months. (Ved Vyas in Hastinapur: "Kunti got another child gifted by the wind God"). A day after Bhim was born, Gandhari came back presumably cured and the first of the 101 pots opened in Hastinapur, and out came a child, Duryodhana, the first of the Kauravas . The next day, another pot cracked and a new child, Dushasan came out. Every day since, a pot opened for the next hundred days, culminating in the birth of Dushala - the 101st child, and the only girl among them. These 100 boys came to be called Kauravas, the heirs of Kuru, a great king in this lineage. Duryodhana was the leader being the eldest, albeit by only a single day. Moreover, while Gandhari was getting psychiatric lessons, and was away, Drithrashtra, had a single night stand with a slave, and foolishly got her pregnant, producing a prince who was called Yuyutsu, who was just a day younger to Duryodhana.
Kunti got horny again on a rainy day and called the rain god, Indra, who was also the king of the demi gods, into her bed. Pandu was there on watch again, doing well the only thing he could do now - masturbate. This was the second best sex Kunti ever had (after the Sun God, Surya), and she didnt want Indra to go, but he being a God, had to. This act culminated in the birth of Arjuna, considered to be among the foremost archers of his time. (By this time, you probably know what Ved Vyas told back in Hastinapur).
All this time, Madri was feeling left out, and so decided to ask Pandu's permission to bed someone herself. Pandu was aghast, explaining that she was his dearer wife, and if she was to go slutty, what would he be left with. But well, Kunti could understand Madri's frustration, and persuaded Pandu to give her one chance, and after much cajoling, Pandu agreed, but just one time, he said, and he also forbade Kunti from having any more outsiders. Kunti told her the secret Mantra, which Madri used, in all intelligence, on the twin Gods, Ashwini Kumars, the gods of medicine. (Madri had some pretty good fantasies, you see). This led to the birth of Nakula and Sahadeva, twin brothers, and sons of Madri. ( You must have figured out what news reached Hastinapur).
So now in case you are confused by this time, we have 100 Kauravas growing in Hastinapur, living in the comfort of the princely life, along with Yuyutsu and Dushala, while we have five children of different mothers and fathers, who were often teased by other children in the jungle about their parentage. To offend these five, someone proposed the name Pandavas (sons of Pandu), and the name stuck to them. (This is an old trick - giving someone name what he really is not). And so came the Kauravas and the Pandavas.