Mahabharata 7 : The Kauravas and the Pandavas

Remember the saying "Jungle mein Mangal". Now, Mangal refers to the planet Mars and Tuesday which as all astrologers will tell you, refers to number 3. Tuesday is the third day of the week, Mars is the third nearest planet from the sun (excluding Earth), and is also the third smallest planet. So well the origin of the saying is also from the Mahabharat, or rather the fest that I am not going to describe here, as children and girls might be reading this, but to cater to the larger male dominated market, let me just say that Pandu, Madri and Kunti indulged in positions which made it to the new edition of Kamasutra because even the sages had not thought of them. (For all those of you who think that Vatsyayana wrote the Kamasutra, here is the truth - Kamasutra was a magazine long before Vatsyayana, compiled by sages. Vatsayana just brought out a bounded cover copy of the same, a long time after Mahabharat, and rated these new positions - of threesome with two innovative women and a man- the highest). All this while, because Kunti and Madri were still below 20 (which was considered the healthy age for a girl to get pregnant), Pandu wore a condom. All this sex was acting as a relaxant after all those conquests and battles, and Pandu was ready to go back to rule his kingdom, when tragedy stuck. One day, while hunting (and contrary to his forefathers - Pandu hunted only for the thrill of killing animals, for he had the two sexiest beauties waiting for him back home), Pandu saw this mating deer couple. Now, as the relationship between Pandu and his two wives was so sex-crazy, Pandu thought a dead dear couple mating in the bedroom would be a good simulant to have sex (no they did not have 7x porn those days, but people's preference have not changed since), and so decided to kill them both with one arrow. As soon as the arrow stuck the deer and doe, however, they changed form, revealing a sage mating with his wife. (Sages knew a lot those days - they could change form as wll, in case you were wondering), and yells of human pain and suffering filled the entire jungle. Pandu was shocked, and as soon as he reached the sage begged for forgiveness. But the sage was livid and dying, along with his wife, and it is very difficult to placate an angry sage, dying or otherwise. And here comes the most sex filled last words ever.
Sage : O Pandu, I was mating with my wife, because she was feeling horny (now, you know where does that word come from - horny means with horns). We try sex turning into different animals, and it was always great. But you have ruined it.
Pandu: Sir, I am really sorry, I did not know you were a sage, I thought you were but a deer and doe mating, and there are no anti-poaching laws yet (and even if they are, I will repeal them), but can you teach me how to do this - i will turn into a horse - for obvious reasons.
Sage: Fuck you, Pandu (Or wait, Never fuck you!). You killed me at my most intimate moment with my wife. I am dying Pandu, and all because of you. Because I am a sage and I have the power to do it, let me curse you. I curse you that, because you killed me when I was having sex with my wife, the next time you have sex with yours - no wait, not your wife, but rather any woman - you will get a heart attack and die. And I even include kissing.
Pandu: No sir, I am really sorry, but I did it inadvertently. Please don't let me through this. I will die.
Sage : That is the whole point dude. (and so dies the sage, along with his wife).
Pandu gets back, tells his wives the whole story and says - "now what is the point in living, I will rather die. I don't want to go back to my kingdom. I will spend the rest of my life here. No sex, no life, and what will I do. And I cannot even fuck you two beauties anymore. So you too can leave now if you want - but I have decided I like it better here. It is healthy and moreover, I can cancel that deal with Vidur".
Kunti :"Which deal?"
Pandu :"Well it was nothing, but I have decided, I am staying here. You two can decide for yourself, but it will be better if you leave and take new husbands - I will myself vouch for your talent as loving and caring wives, with extra stress on loving (Wink)."
Kunti: "bastard, you fucked us both. Metaphorically, I mean. What will we do? We can leave you but then who else will marry us? Everyone prefers virgins, not divorced women like us. So what do we do - We married the MEB of his time, and now see. Hey God, why do I have to go through all this? Help me."
All Gods (Together): "which one is she calling - Do we all go?"
Sun God :"This is not the mantra, you horny bastards. The mantra is in Sanskrit. You will know when you are called. Right now, she is just crying."
All Gods : "Oh, shit. OK"
Madri: "Kunti sister - let us stay with him. Having us around and not being able to fuck us will complicate his misery. Anyways, the way these people at Hastinapur look at me freak me out. Also I like it here - I was never much of a city girl anyways."
Kunti: "But I loved the city. This is not done. But otherwise history will call me a bitch, so I will also stay. But then who rules the kingdom?"
Pandu: "My elder brother, Dhritrashtra of course. I will send a telegram soon telling them we are not coming back. Make Dhritrashtra the king. Anyway I am not going to have any sons now."
The news was recieved in Hastinapur with mixed emotions. While Dhritrashtra was very happy, Vidura was sad. Bhishma and the other elders decided that everything happens for the best and made Dhritrashtra the king and Gandhari the queen of Hastinapur.
Meanwhile in the jungle, Vidur came visiting Pandu, and reminded him of the deal. Pandu said "but now I am no longer the king, and so the deal stands cancelled. "
Vidur:"But you were the king, and so I did my part, and now I just ask for my payment. Anyways you might give a thousand arguments, but I am not the wisest person in these parts for nothing. I will have an answer to all those. So just compile by your promise."
Pandu:"All right, you got me there. Kunti come out."
Kunti: "What is it? I am busy with Madri. Okay, aahhh, I am coming" (Wow - what a pun, she thought).
Pandu: "I have to talk with you. I had a deal with Vidur, he helps me become the king, I let him father my first child. Now that today is your 20th birthday, he is here to fulfil the obligation. The first Pandava (Son of Pandu) which actually be son of Vidur, and he will be the only one. But noone can know about it."
Kunti: "What kind of a cuckold are you, Pandu? I was just going to tell you a secret - I have a mantra with which I can seduce Gods, and all you want me is to sleep with your younger step brother. This is not done - I had rather sleep with Gods, if you don't have a problem, rather I will do it even if you have a problem."
Suddenly Ved Vyas appears upon the scene, in the jungle from nowhere. Pandu, Vidur, Kunti and Madri get up to greet him, and Ved Vyas says, "I know all about Kunti's boom from Sage Durvasa. I know she can be bedded by any God, but Vidur is himself the incarnate of Dharam (Yama - the God of Death). It is a long story, but I will still tell it to you. Once Yama sent a sage to hell, and when the sage asked that why, after living such a pious life, should he be condemned to hell, Yama told him, "You were a very pious man, but in your childhood you killed and tortured many insects. It is a result of those sins. " And the sage, although dead, was still a sage, and so he cursed Yama that because Yama had judged his actions no-justly, Yama was to live on earth for one full generation. (Living on Earth is a curse for Gods staying in heaven). So Vidur is that incarnate. Or well, maybe he isn't but just to make the story interesting, I will make him an incarnation of Yama. And well if Kunti beds him, the child born out of the wedlock (!) will be called Dharamputra, and the way I will write this story will make it seem as if she bedded the Dharam God itself. You know I love Vidur the most among my three sons. I can do anything for him. Infact, I am going to immortalize you all by writing about you in my fictional book, which I have decided to name Mahabharata. And Vidur will be always on the right side - don't you guys worry."
Pandu, Vidur, Kunti and Madri (totally flabbergasted) : "Okay - whatever." And Vyas goes out.
Vidur: "So Kunti, is this that time of the month?"
Kunti: "Yes it is. Let us go."
Pandu: "Yes, you two enjoy as much, but I want to watch."
Madri: "Pandu, can I join them? You know I love threesomes."
Pandu: "No Madri, you can have all the lesbian with Kunti, but to see you with another man will kill me. You are my favourite wife. But you can watch them with me, but please don't touch me."
And Vidur had the time of his life with Kunti, who after the blazing Sun God, and the persistent Pandu with Madri, didn't really enjoy it much. So she decided, once this is done, it is going to be the real Gods - incarnations won't do.
And so Kunti got pregnant, with Vyasa telling Bhishma, Dhritrashtra and the elders at Hastinapur that the son to be born was the "gift" of Yama . Meanwhile, Gandhari had already announced her pregnancy to Hastinapur, which was awaiting its heir. However, nine months passed by, and nothing happened. The lump in Gandhari's stomach just grew, and she did not even feel the labour pangs. On the other hand, Kunti delivered a healthy boy, a boy they called Yudhishtra. Hearing of the birth of Yudishtra, Gandhari got totally psyched, and being the masochistic being she was, started hitting her bulging stomach, which led to a big mass of meat out from her vagina. She then started wailing - the thing she did best, and tried cutting her veins, before Ved Vyas appeared out of nowhere - now you know who is the real hero of the story.
Being a great sage, Ved Vyas took the lump of mass, divided it into a hundred and one pieces, and put them into different pots. He read some mantras into the pots, and told Gandhari that everything will be all right, and took her to a psychiatrist, where Gandhari stayed for an year. Meanwhile just six months after the birth of Yudishtra, Kunti told Pandu that she had enough of lesbian sex, and that she wanted a real man (or God) - Vidura won't do. Pandu agreed on the condition that he be allowed to watch them in the act, to which Kunti agreed, and on a windy day, seduced the wind god, Vayu, through the mantra. (Just her bad luck that she got really horny on days that were the in days for her - if you know what I mean). It was a night of wild passion, the petite Kunti under the strong Vayu, and turned Pandu on a great deal, though it was too much for Kunti to bear. "Next time it will be someone gentle." This one night stand produced the powerful Bhim after a whole nine months. (Ved Vyas in Hastinapur: "Kunti got another child gifted by the wind God"). A day after Bhim was born, Gandhari came back presumably cured and the first of the 101 pots opened in Hastinapur, and out came a child, Duryodhana, the first of the Kauravas . The next day, another pot cracked and a new child, Dushasan came out. Every day since, a pot opened for the next hundred days, culminating in the birth of Dushala - the 101st child, and the only girl among them. These 100 boys came to be called Kauravas, the heirs of Kuru, a great king in this lineage. Duryodhana was the leader being the eldest, albeit by only a single day. Moreover, while Gandhari was getting psychiatric lessons, and was away, Drithrashtra, had a single night stand with a slave, and foolishly got her pregnant, producing a prince who was called Yuyutsu, who was just a day younger to Duryodhana.
Kunti got horny again on a rainy day and called the rain god, Indra, who was also the king of the demi gods, into her bed. Pandu was there on watch again, doing well the only thing he could do now - masturbate. This was the second best sex Kunti ever had (after the Sun God, Surya), and she didnt want Indra to go, but he being a God, had to. This act culminated in the birth of Arjuna, considered to be among the foremost archers of his time. (By this time, you probably know what Ved Vyas told back in Hastinapur).
All this time, Madri was feeling left out, and so decided to ask Pandu's permission to bed someone herself. Pandu was aghast, explaining that she was his dearer wife, and if she was to go slutty, what would he be left with. But well, Kunti could understand Madri's frustration, and persuaded Pandu to give her one chance, and after much cajoling, Pandu agreed, but just one time, he said, and he also forbade Kunti from having any more outsiders. Kunti told her the secret Mantra, which Madri used, in all intelligence, on the twin Gods, Ashwini Kumars, the gods of medicine. (Madri had some pretty good fantasies, you see). This led to the birth of Nakula and Sahadeva, twin brothers, and sons of Madri. ( You must have figured out what news reached Hastinapur).
So now in case you are confused by this time, we have 100 Kauravas growing in Hastinapur, living in the comfort of the princely life, along with Yuyutsu and Dushala, while we have five children of different mothers and fathers, who were often teased by other children in the jungle about their parentage. To offend these five, someone proposed the name Pandavas (sons of Pandu), and the name stuck to them. (This is an old trick - giving someone name what he really is not). And so came the Kauravas and the Pandavas.