A Suitable Boy

"Why do we live?" And I, back in those days when I felt good, "Because of hope. It is the hope that one day things will improve, get better." And then I blurted out the story of Love in the Times of Cholera, and about how much hope it had filled me with. And then I also said these lines someone else had told me "It is never the end, unless you decide its the end." It is always the same: Goran Ivanisevic, Lance Armstrong and more. I had continued,"You live for people around you, people who love you, like you, and want you to do well in life. You might not see it, but they care about you. Everything you do which is bad for yourself hurts them. And you live to see them happy, because if you die it will make you sad."

I have to keep reminding myself this. I am here because I have a purpose. I might not be anybody, but even then I'll be. I am what I am. I know people like me, and love me for what I am, and I am not going to lose any more friends. I am going to be good. I am going to live, not because I hope one day things will get better, but because I've realised this is what life actually is. If everything was good, life wouldnot be worth it.

I am going to be a good son, brother and friend. Sorry for everything. I am going to be a good person. I am going to be a suitable boy :P.

My only regret, if any, at this moment is: I cant study. And my GPA is not going up, and I know its not going to go up.

Life is hard. I am taking it easy. As the Americans say, "When the rape is inivetible, lie down and enjoy it." Nice thought for the day.

Life is wasted

A whole lifetime wasted.

There was no tomorrow.
I didnt have the courage.
I am sorry.
Do I really give a damn about how you feel about me?
I dont.
I do.
The voices again.

Alcohol is the perfect answer.

I am spoilt. I am not going to get better. I dont want to get better. Self realisation is the best realisation.

Maybe, I am just giving in to the dark side.
Maybe, that is what I always want to be,

Hoping I get a PPO from Bloomberg, otherwise I dont know what life has in store.

A lot like love, A million little pieces and Apocalypse Now

Pretty much sums up all I have done since coming back to IIMC. Add in a bit of Friends, Seinfeld, Southpark, FIFA, AOE and EA Cricket too, and in comes the feeling of guilt thats been eating me. Forever. My entire life. I am fighting it. Right now I am winning, but for how long, I wonder.

Exams start in two days. Study.
Fuck exams, enjoy life. Dont study. You will pass anyways, and the exams this time are quant based, you will do great. Why study?
You will always remain a five pointer if you dont study.
As if you give a damn what pointer you are.
You know you do.
You know you dont.
You do.
You dont.
do.
dont.
do.
dont.
Yes.
No.

Fuck. Someone stop these voices.

She.

Just tell everything tomorrow. You will be good and happy, believe me. Dont think what the world says, just concentrate on yourself being happy. Dont care about the studies. It shall all be fine.

I am ready to believe you.

Tomorrow my life can change for the better. Or else, if it doesnt work out, I am going to remain the same way forever. I want to be good, one last time. Keeping my fingers crossed.

Happy.....

Today is my last night in Delhi for the next two months atleast. And I am not drunk. Neither doped. But I am happy. Inside out. After a long long time.

I have fallen in love again, I think, with life, and with certain people. And I want to enjoy this feeling forever. I want to give myself a chance to be happy. All the evil thoughts for now have been pushed to the corner. Thanks to everyone, and especially to the one person to whom I owe this more than anyone else.

The Delhi/Dharamsala trip wasnt fun always, but at the end of it all, am feeling better I guess. Much better than when I came in. Am finally seeing some hope. About life, the universe and everything.

Here is looking forward to a good, happy living.

Take care people, and have fun.

From now on, if I write, I hope it shall be about the good things in life.

Excerpts from A Million Little Pieces: My thoughts

"I hang up the phone and I stare at the floor and I think about my Mother and my Father in a Hotel Room in Chicago and I wonder why they still love me and why I can't love them back and how two normal stable people could have created something like me, lived with something like me and tolerated something like me. I stare at the floor and I wonder. How did they tolerate me."

"Near the end, there is a section of testimonials. There is one by a dentist, one by a European drinker, one by a salesman, one by an educated Agnostic. They were all Alcoholic disasters, they all found God, they all started dancing the Twelve Steps, they all got better. As with all testimonials like this that I've heard or read or been forced to endure, something about them strikes me as weak, hollow and empty. Though the people in them are no longer drinking and doing drugs, they're still living with the obsession. Though they have achieved sobriety, their lives are based on avoidance, discussion and vilification of the chemicals they once needed and loved. Though they function as human beings, they function because of their meetings and their Dogma and their God. Take away their Meetings and their Dogma and they have nothing, Take them away and they are back where they started. They have an addiction.
Addictions need fuel. I am not convinced Meetings and a Dogma and a God can fuel mine. If what the doctor says at the beginning is true, and joining AA is the only way to cure me, then I'm completely fucked. Fucked Fucked Fucked."

"We're here to help you James. We're here to help you get better and to help you learn how to stop killing yourself. If you do what we tell you to do and you follow the Program we prescribe, you will live a long and happy life.
I have recieved my sentence.
It doesnt have to be carried out. Just trust us.
Have you got anything else to say to me?
I hope you'll trust us, I hope you'll give us a chance to help you, and I hope to God you're here tomorrow.
I stare at him. His eyes are thick and wet and breaking. He is obviously sad and obviously disappointed. I'm tired of making people sad and I'm tired of disappointing them and I'm tired of seeing them break. I have seen this too many times. He will be the last.

I am singularly the most self-destructive individual I have ever known, and this fact makes me hate, and destroy myself, even more. Paradoxical?

I have found a motivation to live. I want to do something really famous by the age of 27, and then join Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison and Kurt Cobain. Pretty?

A Million Little Pieces...

I am no James Frey. I am not even an addict. I hope, I never become him.

This book is screwing my mind, and I am screwing my body. Have just finished the first part of the book, and reading about James' totally screwed up mind, am just thinking about how similiar I think. About everything around.

About parents, elder brother, treatment for alcohol abuse, seeing psychologists, life, death, friends, her.

Will I end up like him?

Have been drinking a lot lately, and even though everyone here says I should stop, and everyone there says I should stop, I wont. Not that I cant, (I have done it before), but because I dont want to.

I am turning into a James Frey, I think.

I've been high

(Dedicated to an REM song by the same name).

"why are you doing this to yourself?" "Doing what?" "you know what, why have you started this new thing. You even have a job now. Your life is almost settled. Then why?" "Does there have to be a reason? There is no reason. Its just that I want to live my life on a high. And all this gives me a high."

I reached a new high during my exams. The results of my Statistics examination stunned everyone in the campus except me. C+ in a course where everyone gets surprised even if I stoop to A from A+. But to score C+ was not as tough as I would have imagined. Not studying did one trick. Even then I might have managed a A/A- (Yeah, I believe I am that good, in stats atleast). Half a bottle of Royal Stag (no more, no less) did the rest. Still am pretty disappointed. If I had not goofed up and made some silly mistakes, I could still have gotten a B+. And normally, I dont make silly mistakes. I make big mistakes.

Coming to that half bottle, the rest was finished before the last examination. Again, you might ask, why before. Because after the exam we were going out. So before the Economics examination I listened to some good Rock, drank and slept. Woke up at 930, finished the syllabus in half an hour. And I might have done better than some of my wingies who spent the entire night studying. Man, I love myself. (I am too good!) Or is it that management is such a sham?

Have been on the biggest debt streak of my college life. This is kinda worse than the fourth year of college. Have lost all my savings, and am running an incurring debt of close to 13000. It is scary. Am going home, so probably shall get my finances back in order. Where did all the money go, u might ask? Well, things like treats, movies, eating out, and most importantly, drinking out. Also 5000 on the planned flight expenditure to Delhi.

Man, I've been high. And happy. Over the past few days.

The past few days have been pretty amazing. There have been plenty of trips to the city: Olypub, Someplace Else, Atrium, Cinammon Lounge, Ivory; to name a few. Also have discovered Artland, a shady drinking place 10 minutes walk from the campus. Have been to a nearby (200 kms away) beach, where had fun. And then there has been the GGP (Great G**** Party), probably the most important event on campus calender for me. Also have been trying "it" out once a week.

Read Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. Man those guys were shit crazy. Gonzo journalism. Loved the book. And am now starting to read A Million Little Pieces. The guy is screwed up on alcohol, cocaine and a hundred other things. And has checked into a rehab. Its like FALILV, a true story.

Have been feeling pretty good lately. Even though, the week before, every morning I wake up to a upset stomach or a bad headache, the feeling of being high takes over later in the day. And
am really loving it.
Planned : A trip to Delhi and home.Cant wait for that to get started. Means meeting old friends, their new and old girlfriends. And doing some essential shopping.

(And yeah, if you have read till here, Happy New Year. Shit. As if I care.)

I am so high now.

My first Short story...Lifes like that

The vulture was waiting for him to die. Ben could feel that, as it was circling his body and watching him intently. Even he was sure he would die, here in the middle of the Sahara desert, with no sign of life nearby. He had been sucked of his last bit of energy, and with the sun shining down upon him, he was seeing mirages. But now he was blinded by the sand winds, and he just decided to lie down there, waiting for his death; and the vulture. He was to become just another victim of the Great Desert. “So, this is death, then?” he thought, “Is this what I wanted all through?”

His mind wandered off to happier times. Not always was he a picture of tragedy, as he liked to call himself. He had started his own company at the height of the dotcom boom, which was doing really well. He had a great group of friends, a beautiful and caring girlfriend, and very supportive parents, who had backed his decision to leave his consulting job to start something of his own. Life seemed so beautiful to him then.

And as he remembered, the dotcom crash had left his company, and his life shattered. He had lost all faith in himself. His parents and girlfriend and other friends stood by him, but he still could not come to terms with his loss. He had been drawn into alcohol and drugs, and had broken up with everyone who cared for him. He had taken up a new job, basically to support his addictions more than anything else, and he was lonely, truly lonely.

He turned suicidal soon after. He had tried various methods: cutting his wrists, eating medicines, and hanging himself. Somehow, nothing seemed to ever work. Even his attempts at ending life only pointed to the same old thing: nothing he could do would ever work. And the more he thought about it, the worse it became. Finally, he decided to see a psychiatrist.

Dr. Ashton Gellar was one of the most reputed psychiatrists in his fields. He took Ben through a lot of psychological tests and methods, but nothing seemed to work. Each method seemed to be working: Ben seemed to be okay for the next few days, but then went back to alcohol, drugs, and inventing modern ways of attempting suicide. And each failure to kill himself further aggravated Ben’s depression. Dr. Gellar had cured more depressed persons during his 25-year tenure, but he could not explain his ineffectiveness with respect to Ben. Ben had lost all good feelings about life, and every new day seemed like a big burden to him. He had to be made believe that life was a miracle, that life had its purpose, a mission, and that every man must wait for his bid time, before passing on to the other world. Then one day, he told Ben to read the Bible, and was surprised to see the results. Ben finally seemed to understand he had a meaning in life, but was still unsure about the meaning. And that was not helping out his condition much. Dr. Gellar also advised Ben to read the Quran, Bhagwad Gita, and the ancient texts from China. Anything that could make him find his purpose, and Ben tried to look forward to each morning. And Ben remembered how one day he had decided to follow his heart’s calling, and visit all these ancient cultures to try to find his purpose.

He had taken a break from his office, and booked a ticket to India. He had visited ancient places like Varanasi, and then also visited the Dalai Lama’s capital in exile. He had also been to China and seen the forbidden city, and Lhasa. His travels also took him to Jerusalem and Mecca-Medina. He then came to Egypt, where he became a part of a caravan journey from Cairo to Luxor.

It was intensely hot that day, with sand blowing all over their faces. It soon turned into a horrible sandstorm and he remembered being thrown off his camel. Even as he tried shouting for help, he knew inside that he was lost. And he was alone. By the time the storm cleared, he was isolated from all signs of life, amongst this huge Sahara desert. But he was not alone for too long, for the vulture had spotted him. And after two days of relentless running after mirages, he had decided to give up. “So, this is death, then?” and closed his eyes, waiting to die.

“How are you, Mr. Ben?” The Doctor asked him. “Where am I?” asked Ben, “Is this heaven?” As he later found out, he was in a hospital in Cairo. Luckily for him, a caravan had found him before he had lost his life. He was lucky to survive, he was told, only one in thousand people managed to survive the Sahara, like he had.

And that put Ben in further thought, “why was I saved? Maybe I have something more to offer to this world yet.” This realization made him see reason. He realized how he had given up on all his good relations over the past five years. He knew he had found his mission in life, to be as good as he could be. He wanted to throw all negative thoughts off his mind. He was going to celebrate his new found life.

He decided to call his parents, and his ex-girlfriend, and told them all he had been through, and that he could not wait to meet them. He also called his friends, and Dr. Gellar, informing them about his new found desire to live life to the fullest. Finally he was completely happy.

He booked the next plane out of Cairo, and could not wait to get back to his old life, one he had himself spurned away. And as he was sleeping, he heard the Pilot’s warning.

“An Air Egypt plane, from Cairo to New York, crashed in the Mediterranean Sea. All 181 passengers and crew feared dead.”

I hate...

Winning when I win.
Losing when I lose.
Achieving something when I achieve.
Not achieving something when I don't achieve.

Being ignored when I am ignored.
Being cared for when I am cared for.
Being in the public eye when I am with everyone.
Being left in solitude when I am alone.

Being good when I am good.
Being bad when I am bad.
Doing something I do.
Not doing something I dont do.

Being myself.
Not being myself.
Life. Death.

What life has taught me...

....0.Zilch.Zero. Sifar. Shunya. Nothing.

I have made the same mistakes again and again.

And this is something I dont wanna change. And its frustrating.

I am going to live, even though all I wanna do is die.