(This matrix can as easily be a 4-d space with sex added as the fourth dimension. However, after much deliberation I realised that sex is actually independent of the other three dimensions and hence can be settled separately. Moreover, a 4-d space will be much harder to visualize).
(This is a gender-neutral post. So if anywhere I have mentioned a he, it means it. Or whatever).
Imagine a normal 3-d space with the x,y and z axis. A 3-d coordinate is represented as : (x,y,z) (For the non-mathematician, the order of x, y and z is important).
Any single person out of love lies in the (0,0,0) point of the 3-d space. Being a mathematician myself, I will call this the origin. He has no love, is in no relationship and has no commitments. A person stranded at this particular point is looked down by his in love, in relationship and committed peers, who have already climbed up the ladder to reach the coveted (1,1,1) position. Let us call this the destination, for want of better names.
Now, as any person who knows the word "entropy" and the third law of thermodynamics will tell you, the natural order of the transportation from the origin to the destination, is through the path (0,0,0)->(1,0,0)->(1,1,0)->(1,1,1) (For those who donot understand coordinate geometry OR vector space, why are you reading this? :D.) It basically means that first people fall in love, then get into relationships and finally get committed. That is the natural way to get to the coveted destination, and the more honourable way to get laid as well. This is how love works as well, and love marriages follow this route - which is the more natural route. The concept fails, however as the three jumps are difficult to make for certain "losers". So while, theoratically, love marriages are a great concept they often fail, as i) some people fail to fall in love, OR ii) some of those that fall in love, fail to get into relationships with the persons they fall in love with, OR iii) most of the couples in a relationship fail to get into a commitment, mainly due to family issues or just because love is transitory. So this awesome concept, fails in the practical world.
And so Indians, being a practical and jugaadu species, have developed the concept of arranged marriage,which, however, follows the opposite route. The final aim again is to reach the destination, but the path now taken is (0,0,0)->(0,0,1)->(0,1,1)->(1,1,1). (You reach into a commitment first, then into a relationship, and then find love in the relationship). This is not entropy based, and as even a child can tell you, highly unnatural. These jumps, while impossible to make in the normal way - for example, the third jump is not possible theoretically as familiarity breeds contempt, not love - have flourished under Indian society. These conditions are basically the continuous conditioning of the girl child to make arranged marriages work. All the onus is on the female half of the marriage too make her marriage work - and it is her failure if it fails. It is she who has to make all efforts to make the guy jump stages and pretend to do so herself. However, with the present generation being influenced by the western world, and women no longer ready to do anything to make marriages work, the future of the arranged marriage looks bleak.
So if both the marriage techniques available are either impractical or theoretically impossible, what do we do? Let us look back at the different positions possible on the x,y,z space for people in different stages.
(1,0,0) is an unstable situation as either a person in love falls out of it, or else takes it to the next level. The situation where (1,0,0) is often tricky and is often accompanied by large intakes of alcohol with the wondering question of (she/he loves me, she/he loves me not). The earlier the person is out of it, the better.
(1,1,0) while being a pretty good state to be in, is also unstable. Over time, and in the conservative society that we live in, commitment becomes important. So either people break up if commitment is not forthcoming or else take the step up to the destination. I would personally prefer this state as it is the happiest.
(0,0,1) is a bit of no-state actually. It almost necessary translates to (0,1,1) - its analogous in chemistry would be the nascent compounds, which are formed and broken almost immediately.
(0,1,1) is the state most people live in throughout their arranged marriages, or jump to (1,1,1) in case of really successful marriages. This is a relatively stable state, but definitely not a very happy one. You always have a feeling of missing something.
Which leaves us with the origin and the destination. Is the origin such a sorry state to be in? Maybe not, as this has been described as, among other terms, as the ""Khulla Saand" stage. This is the time to explore. Countless people dwell in the origin and are happy doing that - for eternity.
And is destination the happiest place on earth? I am not too sure, or so many love marriages would not end in divorces. Maybe, the thing is love itself is too far overrated, and hence it decreases over time. Love is just the beginning, but another things, like money, are the deciding factors. And maybe we could have a fifth dimension here. That of money. But more of that later.
Wednesday, December 09, 2009
Tuesday, December 01, 2009
Sex in IIT
(Wrote this piece around two years ago. Still pretty relevant though). Question: "What is sex in IITD like?"
IITD Male1 (Frustrated Stud): "One sex only - male. All others are non-males."
IITD Male2 (Frustrated Best Friend): "Non-existent. IIT girls are very seedhi-saadhi, you know"
IITD Male3 (The Geek) : "What's sex?"
The Stud: Handsome and rich chap, mostly from Delhi and adjoining areas. Always believes that beauty*intelligence = constant, and is often seen complaining about JEE being an intelligence centric examination. Tries his hands therefore at girls from adjoining female colleges, but because of the reputation that the general IITian has managed over the years (of being very weak at socializing with others, a frustrated soul who ogles at every girl passing by, is rarely good at anything else other than engineering - and the third one is purely false), has a pretty disappointing success ratio of around 2%. Its improving, thankfully, though. (There are super studs, however, who despite being IITians, have managed to dump girlfriends every second month. But more of that later). Loves watching porn and is not ashamed of it.
The Best Friend: The quintessential IITian guy. The one ogling at girls in Priya and PVR, looking at them like Adam looked at the forbidden apple. Mostly from the countless small towns of India. Middle class, who has made it through hard work. Has simple ambition, and so settles for the girl sitting next to him in class, and tells himself, "she might not be beautiful, but she is pretty smart. She will make a good wife."(They generally dont). And after countless workshops, assignment, treats and movies together, when he says, "I think I love you," the female, not a fool herself, says, "but you know, I don't think of you that way. You are my best friend", 97% of the time, and that is the end of that. The rest 3% get lucky, but sex is only for after marriage, for IIT girls are very seedhi-saadhi. However, as soon as the 4 years of IITD lives get over, the love lives also generally end, leaving the guy with alcohol and a lot of debts to counter, and the female with a new older richer lover. Loves watching porn but is ashamed to admit it.
The Geek: The smartest chap of them all. Pays attention to only books in the first year, gets great grades, catches attention of the sexiest girls (whatever that means in IITD context), who want him to teach them and in return he gets to know about what sex is like in IITD. And
going by the statements of a few of them, they find its pretty cool. Loves watching porn but publicly swears never have seen a single one.
Welcome to IIT Delhi. The place, famous, among other things for the frustrated beings ogling at PYTs in Priya and PVR Saket. People who only want sex. And who can blame them? In a good batch, the male:female ratio is 8:1, while in a typical batch, it is 20:1. And all of the females who manage to reach IIT are, in all probability, unlikely to win any awards at any of the beauty pageant. Even then, the skewed ratio makes them the queens in IITD, and the males, either their slaves or the oglers at Priya, or typically, both.
There are plenty of jhaadis (shrubs) in IIT Delhi, making it a great place for people to do it.Sex in IIT Delhi is pretty common, therefore. However, due to the reasons mentioned above, the only people doing it in IITD are usually outsiders. But, as they say, every rule has an exception, and here are three of them I know - in chronological order.
A senior of mine (a superstud, if ever there was one) dated models only. And he changed them every other month. And he was caught having sex with one of them by a security guard.- 2004
A batchmate of mine , on the other hand, climbed the roof of the house of a Prof. whose daughter was/is/will be the hottest chick in IITD, and spent the night with her.-2005
A junior of mine was caught naked with his IITian girlfriend in one of the blocks one night, doing it,by another security guard . -2006
However, such incidents are less and far few, and while the opening of a bar just outside IITD has made it easier to see IITian guys and gals hanging out drunk and obviously planning to have sex, the plans remain just that : plans. Because deep inside, IITians, (the majority of them at least), are still very conservative, and believe what their religions preach - and dont all religions preach the same when it comes to sex? - No sex before marriage! It was true when I joined, back in 2001, and it was the true when I graduated in 2006.
But times are changing, and there will surely come a time when some frustrated soul will wear a Tshirt that says:
ALCOHOL : "Making IITians having sex ever since I graduated. "
IITD Male1 (Frustrated Stud): "One sex only - male. All others are non-males."
IITD Male2 (Frustrated Best Friend): "Non-existent. IIT girls are very seedhi-saadhi, you know"
IITD Male3 (The Geek) : "What's sex?"
The Stud: Handsome and rich chap, mostly from Delhi and adjoining areas. Always believes that beauty*intelligence = constant, and is often seen complaining about JEE being an intelligence centric examination. Tries his hands therefore at girls from adjoining female colleges, but because of the reputation that the general IITian has managed over the years (of being very weak at socializing with others, a frustrated soul who ogles at every girl passing by, is rarely good at anything else other than engineering - and the third one is purely false), has a pretty disappointing success ratio of around 2%. Its improving, thankfully, though. (There are super studs, however, who despite being IITians, have managed to dump girlfriends every second month. But more of that later). Loves watching porn and is not ashamed of it.
The Best Friend: The quintessential IITian guy. The one ogling at girls in Priya and PVR, looking at them like Adam looked at the forbidden apple. Mostly from the countless small towns of India. Middle class, who has made it through hard work. Has simple ambition, and so settles for the girl sitting next to him in class, and tells himself, "she might not be beautiful, but she is pretty smart. She will make a good wife."(They generally dont). And after countless workshops, assignment, treats and movies together, when he says, "I think I love you," the female, not a fool herself, says, "but you know, I don't think of you that way. You are my best friend", 97% of the time, and that is the end of that. The rest 3% get lucky, but sex is only for after marriage, for IIT girls are very seedhi-saadhi. However, as soon as the 4 years of IITD lives get over, the love lives also generally end, leaving the guy with alcohol and a lot of debts to counter, and the female with a new older richer lover. Loves watching porn but is ashamed to admit it.
The Geek: The smartest chap of them all. Pays attention to only books in the first year, gets great grades, catches attention of the sexiest girls (whatever that means in IITD context), who want him to teach them and in return he gets to know about what sex is like in IITD. And
going by the statements of a few of them, they find its pretty cool. Loves watching porn but publicly swears never have seen a single one.
Welcome to IIT Delhi. The place, famous, among other things for the frustrated beings ogling at PYTs in Priya and PVR Saket. People who only want sex. And who can blame them? In a good batch, the male:female ratio is 8:1, while in a typical batch, it is 20:1. And all of the females who manage to reach IIT are, in all probability, unlikely to win any awards at any of the beauty pageant. Even then, the skewed ratio makes them the queens in IITD, and the males, either their slaves or the oglers at Priya, or typically, both.
There are plenty of jhaadis (shrubs) in IIT Delhi, making it a great place for people to do it.Sex in IIT Delhi is pretty common, therefore. However, due to the reasons mentioned above, the only people doing it in IITD are usually outsiders. But, as they say, every rule has an exception, and here are three of them I know - in chronological order.
A senior of mine (a superstud, if ever there was one) dated models only. And he changed them every other month. And he was caught having sex with one of them by a security guard.- 2004
A batchmate of mine , on the other hand, climbed the roof of the house of a Prof. whose daughter was/is/will be the hottest chick in IITD, and spent the night with her.-2005
A junior of mine was caught naked with his IITian girlfriend in one of the blocks one night, doing it,by another security guard . -2006
However, such incidents are less and far few, and while the opening of a bar just outside IITD has made it easier to see IITian guys and gals hanging out drunk and obviously planning to have sex, the plans remain just that : plans. Because deep inside, IITians, (the majority of them at least), are still very conservative, and believe what their religions preach - and dont all religions preach the same when it comes to sex? - No sex before marriage! It was true when I joined, back in 2001, and it was the true when I graduated in 2006.
But times are changing, and there will surely come a time when some frustrated soul will wear a Tshirt that says:
ALCOHOL : "Making IITians having sex ever since I graduated. "
Monday, November 30, 2009
The meaning of life. Explained all over. And a new religion!!
The greatest question mankind has ever faced is going to be answered in the following few lines. So keep looking for the answer. And the answer, for all you Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy fans, is sadly not 42.
The answer is simpler, actually.
And now we wonder why? Why is it that life has turned out the way it has? Why whatever we do seems to be meaningless? Why cannot we be satisfied with what we do? Why happiness seems surreal? Why everything good lasts for only a moment, before becoming part of the mundane existence called life?
The answer to all this is an absence of religion, or a lack of permanent addiction.
Imagine being high always. Religion gives you that high.
Life is what you mean it to be. It could be distressing, fucked up and lonely, but that is because you think of it so. If you believe on the other hand, that life is good, it is good, no matter what. You just need to believe it. And hope that what you do will make things fine and make you happy. This is exactly what religion does to people. It gives them hope, a hope that life is actually not as distressing as it really is, and there is some reward somewhere. And here is the concept of the new religion based on my learnings over the past few years that I am trying to develop. Here lies the genesis of a new religion, hopefully.
After having had wondered years to find the point of a pointless life, I have come to the conclusion that life, like happiness, is a state of mind. It is pointless, and all you are here to do, is get born, work your asses off and die, and become one of the 40 billion people to have lived and died in history without anyone ever remembering you. Some people might think of it as a happy life, while others may crib about it. But whatever it is, it is your life. You can change it if you want. The funny thing is, even if you change it, life in the long run (or the very long run) will become pointless. Or atleast try to change it, and be happy for the effort. You need to be responsible for your actions and inaction, and consider the effect of your actions beforehand, instead of blaming it on some higher power. All in all, the basis of this new religion is that you need to do all you can to make yourself (and just yourself) happy. The rest of the world will take care of its own.
Having come to the conclusion that life is majorly going to be pointless, I am happy. Happy because I am not ignorant, and I am happy to realize that life is pointless. Cheers to a pointless life!!! And cheers to the philosophy of being happy! And a happy religion!
The answer is simpler, actually.
And now we wonder why? Why is it that life has turned out the way it has? Why whatever we do seems to be meaningless? Why cannot we be satisfied with what we do? Why happiness seems surreal? Why everything good lasts for only a moment, before becoming part of the mundane existence called life?
The answer to all this is an absence of religion, or a lack of permanent addiction.
Imagine being high always. Religion gives you that high.
Life is what you mean it to be. It could be distressing, fucked up and lonely, but that is because you think of it so. If you believe on the other hand, that life is good, it is good, no matter what. You just need to believe it. And hope that what you do will make things fine and make you happy. This is exactly what religion does to people. It gives them hope, a hope that life is actually not as distressing as it really is, and there is some reward somewhere. And here is the concept of the new religion based on my learnings over the past few years that I am trying to develop. Here lies the genesis of a new religion, hopefully.
After having had wondered years to find the point of a pointless life, I have come to the conclusion that life, like happiness, is a state of mind. It is pointless, and all you are here to do, is get born, work your asses off and die, and become one of the 40 billion people to have lived and died in history without anyone ever remembering you. Some people might think of it as a happy life, while others may crib about it. But whatever it is, it is your life. You can change it if you want. The funny thing is, even if you change it, life in the long run (or the very long run) will become pointless. Or atleast try to change it, and be happy for the effort. You need to be responsible for your actions and inaction, and consider the effect of your actions beforehand, instead of blaming it on some higher power. All in all, the basis of this new religion is that you need to do all you can to make yourself (and just yourself) happy. The rest of the world will take care of its own.
Having come to the conclusion that life is majorly going to be pointless, I am happy. Happy because I am not ignorant, and I am happy to realize that life is pointless. Cheers to a pointless life!!! And cheers to the philosophy of being happy! And a happy religion!
Monday, November 02, 2009
The Groucho Marx effect
And I suddenly realised today, that most of my unhappiness stems from the Groucho Marx effect - the quote about "I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members".
This simple maxim has defined my life and made me unhappy. While I consider myself worthy of potentially a lot of things, what I get easily is never going to be good enough. And this defines me as a person - always wanting more, and always unhappy with what I have.
This stems largely from a dual degree of self-perception I believe. There is a part of me which knows I am a useless, worthless person and another part that believes that I am among the most intelligent people around. And this is what causes this dilemma.
So well, it has started affecting me a lot more as I have grown older. No job is good enough, and now I am actually questioning my friendships with people. Why are people my friends even though I am sick in the way I am? It might be because they are not good enough to find better friends, and hence, they are not good enough for me. And that is exactly the reason I think I can never really fall in two-sided love - because if I get the one I love, she will not be good enough anymore.
I hate myself somehow.
This simple maxim has defined my life and made me unhappy. While I consider myself worthy of potentially a lot of things, what I get easily is never going to be good enough. And this defines me as a person - always wanting more, and always unhappy with what I have.
This stems largely from a dual degree of self-perception I believe. There is a part of me which knows I am a useless, worthless person and another part that believes that I am among the most intelligent people around. And this is what causes this dilemma.
So well, it has started affecting me a lot more as I have grown older. No job is good enough, and now I am actually questioning my friendships with people. Why are people my friends even though I am sick in the way I am? It might be because they are not good enough to find better friends, and hence, they are not good enough for me. And that is exactly the reason I think I can never really fall in two-sided love - because if I get the one I love, she will not be good enough anymore.
I hate myself somehow.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Yesterday was a bad day
10 hours at the office. And this on a Saturday, when we are officially NOT supposed to be working. I was supposed to go to Jalandhar for a wedding - but had to miss it because I was working.
Arsenal lost to ManU. Not that I am an Arsenal fan or anything, but I hate ManU (I also hate the English Premier League, but that is another matter, and post, altogether) . Because they had a certain C. Ronaldo. And because all decisions favour them. And what to say of the refereeing? And the diving? They played well for just 3 minutes and then just defended, and in the end they won. Not a great advertisement for football, certainly.
More importantly, and tragically, Milan lost to Inter in the derby della madonnina. And the captain, Rino Gattuso, was sent off. Milan didnt just lose, they were humiliated by their blue cousins. 0-4.
Djovokic never wins against Federer. Or against Nadal or Murray for that matter.
My work life balance is screwed up- totally and completely. Which leaves just these small matches in life to really look up to. And in that too, the teams I am supporting almost always lose. Which brings me further sorrow and takes my frustrations to new levels.
You know, a learned man might tell me, "Why do you expect so much? Why is there any desire? Watch sports for the pure fun of it, desire only leads to sorrow."
I know this, but without desire then, what is the point of life? And if the point of life is desire (and correspondingly sorrow), then why celebrate it? Any answers?
In short, life is not fair.
Forza Milan! Forza Argentina!
Arsenal lost to ManU. Not that I am an Arsenal fan or anything, but I hate ManU (I also hate the English Premier League, but that is another matter, and post, altogether) . Because they had a certain C. Ronaldo. And because all decisions favour them. And what to say of the refereeing? And the diving? They played well for just 3 minutes and then just defended, and in the end they won. Not a great advertisement for football, certainly.
More importantly, and tragically, Milan lost to Inter in the derby della madonnina. And the captain, Rino Gattuso, was sent off. Milan didnt just lose, they were humiliated by their blue cousins. 0-4.
Djovokic never wins against Federer. Or against Nadal or Murray for that matter.
My work life balance is screwed up- totally and completely. Which leaves just these small matches in life to really look up to. And in that too, the teams I am supporting almost always lose. Which brings me further sorrow and takes my frustrations to new levels.
You know, a learned man might tell me, "Why do you expect so much? Why is there any desire? Watch sports for the pure fun of it, desire only leads to sorrow."
I know this, but without desire then, what is the point of life? And if the point of life is desire (and correspondingly sorrow), then why celebrate it? Any answers?
In short, life is not fair.
Forza Milan! Forza Argentina!
Friday, August 21, 2009
The 2-d ZSV matrix theory
(Do not judge me on the basis of this blog :D)
(The ZS company had no relation with this matrix and we apologise to use the term ZSV for this matrix. But we had no other option).
Author's note: Relationship refers to any sort of contact between a girl and a boy. A relation on the other hand is a mathematical entity connecting the x and y axis.
Imagine a 2-d matrix space in a relationship between a girl and a boy. The x-axis is represented by the girl's views on the boy while the y-axis is represented by the boy's view on the girl. Now well the girl can have two views on the boy- either she does not give to the boy or she gives (In Hindi, the language in which the concept is easiest to visualise, it translates to - degi yaa nahin degi):). The guys response then can be not take or take (loonga yaa nahin loonga).
Now for those of you who are mathematically inclined, let the girl's interpretation of the relation be represented by a binary function on the x-axis (for a particular guy) as x = 0 (nahin doongi) or 1 (doongi). Guys for whom girls have x=1 are called the lucky guys. At any particular period of time, of all the guys a girl knows, maximum of one can be the lucky guy. The boy's response can be similarly represented as a binary function on the y-axis (for that particular girl): y = 0 (nahin loonga) or y = 1 (loonga).
According to the matrix theory being developed by us here, guys can have three different kinds of relations with the girls they know, or even with the countless others they do not know. For want of anything better, we will call them Relations A, B and C. The boy can choose with which girl he wants to have what kind of relation. Depending on the relation, we refer to the girls as A-list, B-list and C-list. There is no limit on the number of girls you can have on each list.
A single guy normally chooses his relation as: y = 1 AND x. This is the Relation A. This is the most common relation for a single guy, as the other two are rather difficult to pull off. This basically means that if a girl decides to make him lucky, he will try his luck. There is no such thing as true friendship between a single guy and an A-list girl on his list. The choice (to give or not to give) is with the girl, and the guy will simply do what he is supposed to (take if given; else, you know what). This is represented by the classic Hindi statement (degi to le loonga) – which is the precursor to the matrix theory. Any girl at the time of start of the relationship is not ready to give and so has her x-value pegged at 0 – unless the guy is Tom Cruise/Brad Pitt, but we are talking about normal guys here. Then according to the relation A, as x=0, y=0. So, all relations of A type between a guy and his A-listed gal start start from a (0,0) point on the X-Y axis. The girl is not ready to give, and you can't take unless she gives (nahin degi to kaise loonga??), being the good guy you are.
On the other hand, in some cases (usually a very frustu/ evil guy, or a very hot female), the guy might decide to take things in his own hands (you pervs, always thinking dirty) and go in for a Relation B, which states that y=1(Nahin degi to bhee le loonga). Relation B is degrading to women and is the only cause of rape around the world. For the normal person, for all your fantasies about B'wood and H'wood actresses and what not, this remains a hypothetical scenario. For the rapists though, this might not be that hypothetical - or else there would not be any rape. You don’t have to be lucky in this case to get “it”.
So now, you might ask, if the relation A starts from (0,0) why do most single men choose this relation? Because, my friend, this is the only relation (other than the morally corrupt relation B), which can take you to the promised land of (1,1). The only way then is for the guy to convince the girl that he is right man for her. Call it flirting, true love or anything. This is the final deal. She gives and you take - perfect happiness. Different people have different modes to achieve this. The only difference is about how people go about it. Some people are the "bang bang, thank you mam" kinds. Their time horizon for the advent is pretty less, even with the hot girls. They are somehow easily able to get lucky. On the other end of the spectrum, are the losers, who take the longer friendship route, which actually ends up, after endless heartbreaks, where it starts (on x=0). Somehow, they still never learn!!
Our experience shows that to get yourself lucky, you need to either have the money, or the looks, or in the absence of both of the above, she should be sufficiently drunk. Or if you are smart enough, you could make her fall in love with you. In any case, once she makes you lucky, you get lucky.
So while relationship A generally holds for normal single guys, it fails for other categories of guys. A gay guy, for example, will have the following relation towards all women: y=0. This is the relation C. (Main kisi ki nahin loonga). Relation C assures that there can actually be no relationship possible.
Now well the only difficulty in the entire argument is that unlike the guy, who can have Relation A with many girls, for a girl, at a single time, only one guy can get lucky. (For those of you with dirty fantasies, we are talking of normal guys and girls here). So if you have decided on a relation A with a committed female, it can have a very small probability to succeed. You will have to engineer to make her present flame unlucky and then work hard to make yourself lucky. Too tough!! So it is much better to leave the committed girls on your relation C framework. Some people have a charm in this too, though, especially with the soon to be married women.
For a hetero guy interacting with someone he doesn't fancy (For you losers, this is possible - This is applicable for all happily committed men with all other women (mujhe jo tum mil gaye ho, ab mujhe aur koi degi bhee to nahin looonga), or even for the losers with ugly women - with ugly, I mean the really ugly kinds) Relationship C holds (Yeh to mujhe bilkul acchee nahin lagtee, agar degi to bhee nahin loonga). This explains why Irfan Pathan refused the advances of the girl who approached him -after his public engagement, he had placed all women in relation C.
For a normal, single guy with a hot, committed friend (this is a tough one) - either she can come in the ugly category (if she is committed to your friend - and you ARE BOUND to follow the bro code), which means from your side it should change to relation C; or, if she is committed to someone you do not know and the bro code does not apply, you can still try your luck and keep up the Relation A- but then the entire work is tough.
We are still waiting to streamline the matrix further:
FAQ: Is change in listing allowed once a guy has decided?
Yes, but only in abnormal circumstances. Like when a committed female has a break up she can go from C to A. On the other hand, when a ugly female (who is normally in your C-list) gets really drunk, because then the chances of you becoming the lucky guy increase, but you can only change her from C-list to A-list ONLY if you are above 37 years of age, and yet a virgin. In that case, if a soon-to-be-married woman needs a final fling before marriage, and because you are the first person you see, she can be dropped from the C-list (she was in the C-list because of the bro code) and put on the A-list. This defies the bro code, but well, if you are a 37 year old virgin because of the bro code, fuck the bro code.
(Illustrations added for better understanding).
(The ZS company had no relation with this matrix and we apologise to use the term ZSV for this matrix. But we had no other option).
Author's note: Relationship refers to any sort of contact between a girl and a boy. A relation on the other hand is a mathematical entity connecting the x and y axis.
Imagine a 2-d matrix space in a relationship between a girl and a boy. The x-axis is represented by the girl's views on the boy while the y-axis is represented by the boy's view on the girl. Now well the girl can have two views on the boy- either she does not give to the boy or she gives (In Hindi, the language in which the concept is easiest to visualise, it translates to - degi yaa nahin degi):). The guys response then can be not take or take (loonga yaa nahin loonga).
Now for those of you who are mathematically inclined, let the girl's interpretation of the relation be represented by a binary function on the x-axis (for a particular guy) as x = 0 (nahin doongi) or 1 (doongi). Guys for whom girls have x=1 are called the lucky guys. At any particular period of time, of all the guys a girl knows, maximum of one can be the lucky guy. The boy's response can be similarly represented as a binary function on the y-axis (for that particular girl): y = 0 (nahin loonga) or y = 1 (loonga).
According to the matrix theory being developed by us here, guys can have three different kinds of relations with the girls they know, or even with the countless others they do not know. For want of anything better, we will call them Relations A, B and C. The boy can choose with which girl he wants to have what kind of relation. Depending on the relation, we refer to the girls as A-list, B-list and C-list. There is no limit on the number of girls you can have on each list.
A single guy normally chooses his relation as: y = 1 AND x. This is the Relation A. This is the most common relation for a single guy, as the other two are rather difficult to pull off. This basically means that if a girl decides to make him lucky, he will try his luck. There is no such thing as true friendship between a single guy and an A-list girl on his list. The choice (to give or not to give) is with the girl, and the guy will simply do what he is supposed to (take if given; else, you know what). This is represented by the classic Hindi statement (degi to le loonga) – which is the precursor to the matrix theory. Any girl at the time of start of the relationship is not ready to give and so has her x-value pegged at 0 – unless the guy is Tom Cruise/Brad Pitt, but we are talking about normal guys here. Then according to the relation A, as x=0, y=0. So, all relations of A type between a guy and his A-listed gal start start from a (0,0) point on the X-Y axis. The girl is not ready to give, and you can't take unless she gives (nahin degi to kaise loonga??), being the good guy you are.
On the other hand, in some cases (usually a very frustu/ evil guy, or a very hot female), the guy might decide to take things in his own hands (you pervs, always thinking dirty) and go in for a Relation B, which states that y=1(Nahin degi to bhee le loonga). Relation B is degrading to women and is the only cause of rape around the world. For the normal person, for all your fantasies about B'wood and H'wood actresses and what not, this remains a hypothetical scenario. For the rapists though, this might not be that hypothetical - or else there would not be any rape. You don’t have to be lucky in this case to get “it”.
So now, you might ask, if the relation A starts from (0,0) why do most single men choose this relation? Because, my friend, this is the only relation (other than the morally corrupt relation B), which can take you to the promised land of (1,1). The only way then is for the guy to convince the girl that he is right man for her. Call it flirting, true love or anything. This is the final deal. She gives and you take - perfect happiness. Different people have different modes to achieve this. The only difference is about how people go about it. Some people are the "bang bang, thank you mam" kinds. Their time horizon for the advent is pretty less, even with the hot girls. They are somehow easily able to get lucky. On the other end of the spectrum, are the losers, who take the longer friendship route, which actually ends up, after endless heartbreaks, where it starts (on x=0). Somehow, they still never learn!!
Our experience shows that to get yourself lucky, you need to either have the money, or the looks, or in the absence of both of the above, she should be sufficiently drunk. Or if you are smart enough, you could make her fall in love with you. In any case, once she makes you lucky, you get lucky.
So while relationship A generally holds for normal single guys, it fails for other categories of guys. A gay guy, for example, will have the following relation towards all women: y=0. This is the relation C. (Main kisi ki nahin loonga). Relation C assures that there can actually be no relationship possible.
Now well the only difficulty in the entire argument is that unlike the guy, who can have Relation A with many girls, for a girl, at a single time, only one guy can get lucky. (For those of you with dirty fantasies, we are talking of normal guys and girls here). So if you have decided on a relation A with a committed female, it can have a very small probability to succeed. You will have to engineer to make her present flame unlucky and then work hard to make yourself lucky. Too tough!! So it is much better to leave the committed girls on your relation C framework. Some people have a charm in this too, though, especially with the soon to be married women.
For a hetero guy interacting with someone he doesn't fancy (For you losers, this is possible - This is applicable for all happily committed men with all other women (mujhe jo tum mil gaye ho, ab mujhe aur koi degi bhee to nahin looonga), or even for the losers with ugly women - with ugly, I mean the really ugly kinds) Relationship C holds (Yeh to mujhe bilkul acchee nahin lagtee, agar degi to bhee nahin loonga). This explains why Irfan Pathan refused the advances of the girl who approached him -after his public engagement, he had placed all women in relation C.
For a normal, single guy with a hot, committed friend (this is a tough one) - either she can come in the ugly category (if she is committed to your friend - and you ARE BOUND to follow the bro code), which means from your side it should change to relation C; or, if she is committed to someone you do not know and the bro code does not apply, you can still try your luck and keep up the Relation A- but then the entire work is tough.
We are still waiting to streamline the matrix further:
FAQ: Is change in listing allowed once a guy has decided?
Yes, but only in abnormal circumstances. Like when a committed female has a break up she can go from C to A. On the other hand, when a ugly female (who is normally in your C-list) gets really drunk, because then the chances of you becoming the lucky guy increase, but you can only change her from C-list to A-list ONLY if you are above 37 years of age, and yet a virgin. In that case, if a soon-to-be-married woman needs a final fling before marriage, and because you are the first person you see, she can be dropped from the C-list (she was in the C-list because of the bro code) and put on the A-list. This defies the bro code, but well, if you are a 37 year old virgin because of the bro code, fuck the bro code.
(Illustrations added for better understanding).
Monday, August 10, 2009
And here we go again
I am really apologetic for not putting anything of note down since the last one year. The past year has been a pretty good one- in most respects, anyways.
In many ways it has been a year of contradictions more than anything else. There have been times when I have loved my job and there have been times when I have absolutely hated it. I have been busier than I have ever been, and even then, I have managed to find enough free time. I have made new friends and caught up with many old ones, and yet have found myself pretty alone more often than not. Have probably stayed up sober more number of days in the year than ever, but have had worse blackouts on certain days.
All in all, the start of the second half of the year is a good time to take stock of the last year gone by. And this is where I begin - life has become pretty mundane: go to office, come back, play PS2, watch a bit of TV, waste time on comp, and then sleep for another day. On weekends too, it remains the same (yep even the office going part, mostly :(), except that I drink/party on Friday, Saturday and Sunday. And yeah, read some books. In fact, make it "read a lot of books."
While the time for introspection has been pretty less, when I have, it has yielded new facts about myself, a few important ones of which are mentioned below:
a) I hate/am scared of the very concept of marriage/relationship: Friends around me are planning to get married, but I am scared of making any commitment yet. I am unable to see the point of it all - devoting your life to one person is such a waste of a good life. One reason could be the complete absence from my life of that entire love thing, whatever that means. And it might also be that I have internalised this hate for relationships/ commitment as I know no woman is going to find me attractive enough to love me (or commit to me). I do not know what it is, but I definitely do know that women as objects of lust appear more appealing than as objects of love Рand as objects of lust is what I see them as now, especially while partying in places like Hard Rock Caf̩ and Howzzat. I have also started believing that there is no such thing as true love - and that it is just a name for endless compromises that people make in order to remove their loneliness. This concept is a drastic change from when I started this blog - I was a true romantic then, believing in love more than anything else. Moreover, I have grown out to be too self centered to actually think about making sacrifices in a relationship, like my friends do. One point in time I was probably ready to make sacrifices, but not anymore - and as I have realised this is probably a good way to live your life. But somehow, sometimes, I do feel terribly alone.
b) I am generally low on enthusiasm: I used to be a fairly enthusiastic child and college student, but now I have lost all enthusiasm. The motivation to do well in face of challenges has gone. I have come to hate responsibility as I am unable to motivate myself when given responsibility. Which is probably the reason for me hating my job - it places too much responsibility on me. This might also explain why I do not want the responsibility of a relationship or marriage – I am afraid I will not be able to motivate myself enough to carry it forward. The more the responsibility on me, the less keenly I work nowadays. I know it’s not a thing to brag about, but this is what it is. I generally laugh at people who show too much enthusiasm for life, or their work, or even their relationships; but sometimes, I do feel guilty for the enthusiastic me, who I have killed somewhere in the time past.
c) People bore me after a particular time, which is why when someone gets too close to me, I try stupid things in order to alienate them. I do not want to become best friend to people – as the burden is too much to bear. Hence, I become less nice to people who start knowing me better – eventually leading to estrangement. And the funny thing is, I do not miss the people who go, as new people always enter into my life. And then the whole cycle repeats itself. You know the Karma and all. But sometimes you do begin to feel guilty for seeing yourself with 20 good friends, none of whom consider you as the best friend. And then you feel alone, real alone.
But there is nothing you can do, and life, in general, is pretty good, except for the times you realize how lonely you have been. I am what I am, though. This is what is life, I guess.
In many ways it has been a year of contradictions more than anything else. There have been times when I have loved my job and there have been times when I have absolutely hated it. I have been busier than I have ever been, and even then, I have managed to find enough free time. I have made new friends and caught up with many old ones, and yet have found myself pretty alone more often than not. Have probably stayed up sober more number of days in the year than ever, but have had worse blackouts on certain days.
All in all, the start of the second half of the year is a good time to take stock of the last year gone by. And this is where I begin - life has become pretty mundane: go to office, come back, play PS2, watch a bit of TV, waste time on comp, and then sleep for another day. On weekends too, it remains the same (yep even the office going part, mostly :(), except that I drink/party on Friday, Saturday and Sunday. And yeah, read some books. In fact, make it "read a lot of books."
While the time for introspection has been pretty less, when I have, it has yielded new facts about myself, a few important ones of which are mentioned below:
a) I hate/am scared of the very concept of marriage/relationship: Friends around me are planning to get married, but I am scared of making any commitment yet. I am unable to see the point of it all - devoting your life to one person is such a waste of a good life. One reason could be the complete absence from my life of that entire love thing, whatever that means. And it might also be that I have internalised this hate for relationships/ commitment as I know no woman is going to find me attractive enough to love me (or commit to me). I do not know what it is, but I definitely do know that women as objects of lust appear more appealing than as objects of love Рand as objects of lust is what I see them as now, especially while partying in places like Hard Rock Caf̩ and Howzzat. I have also started believing that there is no such thing as true love - and that it is just a name for endless compromises that people make in order to remove their loneliness. This concept is a drastic change from when I started this blog - I was a true romantic then, believing in love more than anything else. Moreover, I have grown out to be too self centered to actually think about making sacrifices in a relationship, like my friends do. One point in time I was probably ready to make sacrifices, but not anymore - and as I have realised this is probably a good way to live your life. But somehow, sometimes, I do feel terribly alone.
b) I am generally low on enthusiasm: I used to be a fairly enthusiastic child and college student, but now I have lost all enthusiasm. The motivation to do well in face of challenges has gone. I have come to hate responsibility as I am unable to motivate myself when given responsibility. Which is probably the reason for me hating my job - it places too much responsibility on me. This might also explain why I do not want the responsibility of a relationship or marriage – I am afraid I will not be able to motivate myself enough to carry it forward. The more the responsibility on me, the less keenly I work nowadays. I know it’s not a thing to brag about, but this is what it is. I generally laugh at people who show too much enthusiasm for life, or their work, or even their relationships; but sometimes, I do feel guilty for the enthusiastic me, who I have killed somewhere in the time past.
c) People bore me after a particular time, which is why when someone gets too close to me, I try stupid things in order to alienate them. I do not want to become best friend to people – as the burden is too much to bear. Hence, I become less nice to people who start knowing me better – eventually leading to estrangement. And the funny thing is, I do not miss the people who go, as new people always enter into my life. And then the whole cycle repeats itself. You know the Karma and all. But sometimes you do begin to feel guilty for seeing yourself with 20 good friends, none of whom consider you as the best friend. And then you feel alone, real alone.
But there is nothing you can do, and life, in general, is pretty good, except for the times you realize how lonely you have been. I am what I am, though. This is what is life, I guess.
Monday, November 17, 2008
And we are back folks!!!
Even though its been awaited
Its been a long time since I have been updated
So I have ventured out without permission
to complete this mission
Hello everyone,
This is the blog (me, myself and I residing at www.anakinturnsevil.blogspot.com). We met around six months ago, if you do remember. It was the 100th post on me, and I posted it, for my master was too busy and too happy to write anything. And wasn't I proud?
I am glad to meet you again, only for the second time. And I am sorry for keeping you waiting, but as always, it was my master's fault, and not mine. I do think you do know him too, don't you? If you don't, by some chance, he is called Zubin, and is a much-below-average IIT-IIM chap working as a consultant. He is still single, but if I was a girl, I am not really sure, whether I would like him or not. And though he is my master, I don't really know whether I like him or not. It is a horrible thought, for Zubin is mostly harmless and good to me, and to everyone around him, but I can't help my thoughts, can I? He is my creator, so I guess I should like him, but then he has abandoned me for the past four months, and I know people coming up to me and being disappointed to see the same old me, and I hate him for disappointing people. Four months is a long, long time to be locked up and not being updated. You know, I hear India has even won a gold medal in the Olympics. And Vishwanathan Anand has become the undisputed chess champion. India has cruised over Australia 2-0 in four tests. You see, unlike my master, I am deeply patriotic. And across the world, Obama has become the new president-elect of the US of A. How romantic, no? A rags to riches story. I am not too sure Zubin likes him much, but I love him. And Lehman Brothers has collapsed, how tragic - even though I always thought these guys made too much money, I won't rejoice in the fall of the big capitalistic society. So well, I hear so much, and now I do have to speak as well.
So now I have decided to take matters in my own hand, whether he likes it or not. For well, he just has not been able to write anything the past four months. To give him credit, he genuinely lacked time, and sometimes when he did try, he just could not write. Not that he did not have topics to write about - the past six months of his life have been the most happening, or so I do guess.
Zubin loves to complain about things. About most things anyways. And if you have been reading the posts on me, (oh poor me), you do know what I mean. It is not as if his life is bad, as he would like you to believe. It is pretty good, I think. What else can you ask for someone who has been one of the least performers wherever he has been the past 7 years? Three distinct groups of good friends, a nice job with a nice team and good money, and plenty of female company.
So what is his problem, exactly? Someone tell me please.
He is a frustrated mean bugger if u ask me. He thinks about what all he could have achieved had he put in effort during IIT and IIM. He believes his ROI is high - which is true, and which he deems is an explanation for the fact that he is an intelligent person, a fact he is very proud of. But lets assume, that his Output is constant, and seeing his marks in courses in which he did put fight, its a pretty decent assumption. So well, had he put more fight, he would have achieved same output, and that would have made his ROI as good as those of other poor performers that we know of. But he just does not believe the truth - that he is less, and not more, talented than the average IIT-IIMian. Its time someone told him this.
And if you will advice him not to make me dirty by writing bad about our great gods and heroes from epics, please do so? I respect all of them, the Krishnas and the Bhishmas and the Pandavas and Kauravas, (okay, not so much the Kauravas, for they were evil), and he makes fun of the greatest epic ever written. That too over me. God, believe me, I am not privy to his evil. Please forgive me on judgement day. Actually, thinking about it, considering I am not a living person, (who am I? I am a blog, remember), will I have a judgement day? And is my master actually my god. Then how will he judge me? I always want him to be happy, as you know, but as he does with other people, he is unable to understand it. He has a lot less understanding about life and relationships than he would care to admit, and that is why finds ways to make him seemingly simple life complicated. Will he understand all this- Can anyone make him understand all this?
I know him well I think. Its been a love hate relationship for the past three years, but I understand I am deeply linked to him. And inspite of all this, I think I don't know him. For does he know himself? As he asked, on a post here, three years ago, Is he Cain or Abel?
And continuing that, is he happy Obama, and not McCain became the President? I think not, just as he would not been happy if McCain had become the president. Why is this all so complicated?
All Obama wants to do is change the world - make it a better place to live. So why is Zubin against him? Is it because Obama is black, or because everyone likes him? And Zubin also does not like MS Dhoni, another star I appreciate, the son of the soil. Again because everyone likes him, is it?
There are a lot of questions for a day for you to worry about,are they not?
And well, I have another one, its the last and most important one, and I have been wondering about it locked there for four months, waiting to be updated:
Can you tell me what happiness means?
Its been a long time since I have been updated
So I have ventured out without permission
to complete this mission
Hello everyone,
This is the blog (me, myself and I residing at www.anakinturnsevil.blogspot.com). We met around six months ago, if you do remember. It was the 100th post on me, and I posted it, for my master was too busy and too happy to write anything. And wasn't I proud?
I am glad to meet you again, only for the second time. And I am sorry for keeping you waiting, but as always, it was my master's fault, and not mine. I do think you do know him too, don't you? If you don't, by some chance, he is called Zubin, and is a much-below-average IIT-IIM chap working as a consultant. He is still single, but if I was a girl, I am not really sure, whether I would like him or not. And though he is my master, I don't really know whether I like him or not. It is a horrible thought, for Zubin is mostly harmless and good to me, and to everyone around him, but I can't help my thoughts, can I? He is my creator, so I guess I should like him, but then he has abandoned me for the past four months, and I know people coming up to me and being disappointed to see the same old me, and I hate him for disappointing people. Four months is a long, long time to be locked up and not being updated. You know, I hear India has even won a gold medal in the Olympics. And Vishwanathan Anand has become the undisputed chess champion. India has cruised over Australia 2-0 in four tests. You see, unlike my master, I am deeply patriotic. And across the world, Obama has become the new president-elect of the US of A. How romantic, no? A rags to riches story. I am not too sure Zubin likes him much, but I love him. And Lehman Brothers has collapsed, how tragic - even though I always thought these guys made too much money, I won't rejoice in the fall of the big capitalistic society. So well, I hear so much, and now I do have to speak as well.
So now I have decided to take matters in my own hand, whether he likes it or not. For well, he just has not been able to write anything the past four months. To give him credit, he genuinely lacked time, and sometimes when he did try, he just could not write. Not that he did not have topics to write about - the past six months of his life have been the most happening, or so I do guess.
Zubin loves to complain about things. About most things anyways. And if you have been reading the posts on me, (oh poor me), you do know what I mean. It is not as if his life is bad, as he would like you to believe. It is pretty good, I think. What else can you ask for someone who has been one of the least performers wherever he has been the past 7 years? Three distinct groups of good friends, a nice job with a nice team and good money, and plenty of female company.
So what is his problem, exactly? Someone tell me please.
He is a frustrated mean bugger if u ask me. He thinks about what all he could have achieved had he put in effort during IIT and IIM. He believes his ROI is high - which is true, and which he deems is an explanation for the fact that he is an intelligent person, a fact he is very proud of. But lets assume, that his Output is constant, and seeing his marks in courses in which he did put fight, its a pretty decent assumption. So well, had he put more fight, he would have achieved same output, and that would have made his ROI as good as those of other poor performers that we know of. But he just does not believe the truth - that he is less, and not more, talented than the average IIT-IIMian. Its time someone told him this.
And if you will advice him not to make me dirty by writing bad about our great gods and heroes from epics, please do so? I respect all of them, the Krishnas and the Bhishmas and the Pandavas and Kauravas, (okay, not so much the Kauravas, for they were evil), and he makes fun of the greatest epic ever written. That too over me. God, believe me, I am not privy to his evil. Please forgive me on judgement day. Actually, thinking about it, considering I am not a living person, (who am I? I am a blog, remember), will I have a judgement day? And is my master actually my god. Then how will he judge me? I always want him to be happy, as you know, but as he does with other people, he is unable to understand it. He has a lot less understanding about life and relationships than he would care to admit, and that is why finds ways to make him seemingly simple life complicated. Will he understand all this- Can anyone make him understand all this?
I know him well I think. Its been a love hate relationship for the past three years, but I understand I am deeply linked to him. And inspite of all this, I think I don't know him. For does he know himself? As he asked, on a post here, three years ago, Is he Cain or Abel?
And continuing that, is he happy Obama, and not McCain became the President? I think not, just as he would not been happy if McCain had become the president. Why is this all so complicated?
All Obama wants to do is change the world - make it a better place to live. So why is Zubin against him? Is it because Obama is black, or because everyone likes him? And Zubin also does not like MS Dhoni, another star I appreciate, the son of the soil. Again because everyone likes him, is it?
There are a lot of questions for a day for you to worry about,are they not?
And well, I have another one, its the last and most important one, and I have been wondering about it locked there for four months, waiting to be updated:
Can you tell me what happiness means?
Thursday, June 26, 2008
About Me - Or something like it
I have been wondering lately,
whether anyone knows the real me
for I find its easy to pretend and say
"This life is the best it could be"
There is nothing wrong with anything,
but still there is a feeling of something amiss
because there was a child where I am now
and sometimes its him that I really miss
Oh how he wanted to be an adult
And achieve all his hopes and wishes
Which were simple enough, to do what he wanted to do,
and earn enough money to eat Afghani Chooza and other exotic dishes
He also wished then to have sufficient money
to buy all the books he could get his hands on
And how he wanted to do something great
Like capture Wimbledon, or become a soccer icon
But knowing him, he would have actually been happy
and I guess so would have been you
doing nothing much but living in peace
and making some money by writing a bad novel or two
(Actually he liked his parents working for him)
The child that stood here is long dead,
along with all his hopes and aspirations that were born
Now if I get any money and any time
I waste it on alcohol or buying some good JJ porn
:"Why Why Why?" I ask myself sometimes
when I am feeling a bit guilty and a bit sad
Have I failed to be the adult I wanted to be
and why I have turned out to be so bad
whether anyone knows the real me
for I find its easy to pretend and say
"This life is the best it could be"
There is nothing wrong with anything,
but still there is a feeling of something amiss
because there was a child where I am now
and sometimes its him that I really miss
Oh how he wanted to be an adult
And achieve all his hopes and wishes
Which were simple enough, to do what he wanted to do,
and earn enough money to eat Afghani Chooza and other exotic dishes
He also wished then to have sufficient money
to buy all the books he could get his hands on
And how he wanted to do something great
Like capture Wimbledon, or become a soccer icon
But knowing him, he would have actually been happy
and I guess so would have been you
doing nothing much but living in peace
and making some money by writing a bad novel or two
(Actually he liked his parents working for him)
The child that stood here is long dead,
along with all his hopes and aspirations that were born
Now if I get any money and any time
I waste it on alcohol or buying some good JJ porn
:"Why Why Why?" I ask myself sometimes
when I am feeling a bit guilty and a bit sad
Have I failed to be the adult I wanted to be
and why I have turned out to be so bad
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Mahabharat 11: Kauravas vs Pandavas
Before the advent of Dronacharya, the Kauravas and the Pandavas were getting their preliminary education from Guru Kripacharya. The Pandavas were as good as the Kauravas in studies, and in Bhima, Duryodhana had a match for his physical strength. And Bhima knew it too.
Being a Pandava during those times had its own advantages. They had lost their dad, Pandu - who, when you come to think of it, was not even their dad - and their mom/stepmom, Madri, and so commanded extra love wherever they went. Which meant that they could get away with whatever they did, and the Pandavas had the intelligence to use it to their own strength. Here is an example:
After another hard day at school, Duryodhana is thinking about how fast the Pandavas have caught up with him, when Bhima, the second and strongest of the Pandavas, comes up to him, takes him by the arm and whispers:
Bhima (to Duryodhana): You know, I have access to the latest Kamasutra magazine, it is an year end edition and features the best Apsaras of the year- all nude. Am arranging for a copy - Do you want it, brother?
Duryodhana: Sure, Bhima, where can I get it? I have been waiting to get a copy, but have never been able to get one myself. I dont have the contacts living in this palace. Papa never lets me go out and make new friends, and being the oldest, I am supposed to uphold family tradition and blah blah. How much do I want it, please give it to me. How much will it cost? And how do you get access to it?
Bhima: Your next two months pocket money. You know, Mother Kunti is very strict about money. She doesnt give us Pandavas half as much pocket money as Aunt Gandhari gives you. Says crap about my father being dead and all that. And yes, I have just beaten up five of your younger brothers - they are too many of them if you ask me - I dont even remember their names, but they were making a lot of noise while I was trying to eat mangoes and so I beat them. If they just say anything to uncle Dhritrashtra or Grandfather Bhishma, I will be in trouble. Do take care of that, cant you and I will give you the copy. As for your questions about procuring it, having friends in the jungle helps. You know about piracy? Thats what these guys do. But you know its still a considerable risk getting them, and I am risking that. Just for you.
Duryodhana: OK. I will explain the matter to my younger brothers. Which group was it? Was it the one with Vikarna (that is the loudest, I swear) or is the group with the naughty Sahan in it? Or wait - do you remember any number on their jerseys they were wearing.
Bhima: yeah, one of them had No. 32 written on it.
Duryodhana (after 5 minutes of counting on his fingers): Oh yeah, that was Upanandan, the 32nd Kauravas. Isnt this a cool idea Bhima - and the coolest thing about the idea is - it is mine. I have made Papa order jerseys for us. So that everyone can remember who is who. We Indians being good in maths, I thought it was a cool way to remember my brothers. They have just come in today. Check out my new No. 1 jersey. (Author's note: And when you say 22 for Kaka, you now know where the concept originated - right. They could not have remembered the names without the numbers - could they?)
Bhima: Yes, yes. Enough of this. Talk to Upananda and the rest of the gang, give me the money, and take the copy.
Duryodhana: Thanks Bhima. Dont worry about my brothers. They only do what I tell them to do. And I will tell them to keep shut. Here is the money. Meet me at the back of the blue tree in the evening - I would have talked to them by then. Don't you worry.
Bhima: Cool. Meet you at the back of the blue tree. blue tree, blue tree - and so singing Bhima goes out
(Scene shifts to inside the Kaurava palace).
Duryodhana was masturbating in the Kaurava bathroom with his new (and so far) only copy of the Kamasutra yearend edition, and there was a long line of other Kaurava princes outside, who were waiting to see what the buzz was all about. All they could here was the oohs and the aahs from Duryodhana, and at first they thought their eldest brother had a fit - before being informed by Dushasan (who was the Man Friday for the eldest brother) about what treasures Duryodhana had inside. And then everyone got into line according to their jersey numbers (which again was listed agewise). And as the line was being formed in the bathroom and outside, (for it was a very long line) suddenly in walked the elders, Bhishma, Dhritrashtra and Vidura, with the Pandavas in tow. Duryodhana's aahs and oohs were heard and were proof of the shameful act, while his other brothers were reprimanded and sent back to their rooms.
Dhritrashtra (who was blind): Yeh kya ho raha hai beta Duryodhana? (What is taking place, Duryodhana?) (This was where it all started - it was to become the blind king's most popular dialogue to his son).
Duryodhana (not knowing what to do): aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!
Bhishma : Arent you ashamed of yourself Duryodhana. Reading such magazines at your age. You are spoiling your younger brothers also. Now finish whatever you are doing soon, and come outside soon.
Duryodhana: Yes Grandpa!!!! Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!! I am just coming.
And then Duryodhana came. (Outside I mean, you perverts).
Dhritrashtra: Yeh kya ho raha hai beta Duryodhana?
Duryodhana: Am sorry Papa. You know this new edition is really hot.
Bhishma: Shut up Duryodhana. And tell me where did you get this copy. Vidura take this away ("He is the only one among us three who can use this. Dhritrashtra is blind, and as you all know, I am gay," he might have added, but he didn't).
Duryodhana: Bhima sold it to me. He got it from his jungle friends. And he even beat Upananda, Pasey, Sunaney, No. 63 and No..... (I even forget their names now papa).
Bhima: No no no no..I didnt grandpa. I dont know what he is talking about. I just heard something about a bad magazine here nearby and came to tell you - because magazines like these are a bad influence for someone like Duryodhana. I even tried to stop him, but he didnt listen. Did I not do the right thing? Why is Duryodhana attributing it to me now? Why is he taking my name?
Dhritrashtra: Yudhishtra, you always speak the truth. Is it right what Duryodhana is saying?
Yudhishtra: Why are you questioning me now Uncle? Why is my cousin trying to bring Bhima into the picture? You know our dad is dead and....
Dhritrashtra: I know and I am sorry Pandavas. Duryodhana, you are given detention for the entire month for the shameful act and for lying and putting the blame on your righteous elder cousin, you will not be served food for next 48 hours. Starve now. Your brothers will be detained for two weeks.
Duryodhana: But papa.
But by then his dad, and all the others had left. So Duryodhana went to his uncle Shakuni.
Shakuni : "What happened? Did the Pandavas make a fool of you again?"Being a Pandava during those times had its own advantages. They had lost their dad, Pandu - who, when you come to think of it, was not even their dad - and their mom/stepmom, Madri, and so commanded extra love wherever they went. Which meant that they could get away with whatever they did, and the Pandavas had the intelligence to use it to their own strength. Here is an example:
After another hard day at school, Duryodhana is thinking about how fast the Pandavas have caught up with him, when Bhima, the second and strongest of the Pandavas, comes up to him, takes him by the arm and whispers:
Bhima (to Duryodhana): You know, I have access to the latest Kamasutra magazine, it is an year end edition and features the best Apsaras of the year- all nude. Am arranging for a copy - Do you want it, brother?
Duryodhana: Sure, Bhima, where can I get it? I have been waiting to get a copy, but have never been able to get one myself. I dont have the contacts living in this palace. Papa never lets me go out and make new friends, and being the oldest, I am supposed to uphold family tradition and blah blah. How much do I want it, please give it to me. How much will it cost? And how do you get access to it?
Bhima: Your next two months pocket money. You know, Mother Kunti is very strict about money. She doesnt give us Pandavas half as much pocket money as Aunt Gandhari gives you. Says crap about my father being dead and all that. And yes, I have just beaten up five of your younger brothers - they are too many of them if you ask me - I dont even remember their names, but they were making a lot of noise while I was trying to eat mangoes and so I beat them. If they just say anything to uncle Dhritrashtra or Grandfather Bhishma, I will be in trouble. Do take care of that, cant you and I will give you the copy. As for your questions about procuring it, having friends in the jungle helps. You know about piracy? Thats what these guys do. But you know its still a considerable risk getting them, and I am risking that. Just for you.
Duryodhana: OK. I will explain the matter to my younger brothers. Which group was it? Was it the one with Vikarna (that is the loudest, I swear) or is the group with the naughty Sahan in it? Or wait - do you remember any number on their jerseys they were wearing.
Bhima: yeah, one of them had No. 32 written on it.
Duryodhana (after 5 minutes of counting on his fingers): Oh yeah, that was Upanandan, the 32nd Kauravas. Isnt this a cool idea Bhima - and the coolest thing about the idea is - it is mine. I have made Papa order jerseys for us. So that everyone can remember who is who. We Indians being good in maths, I thought it was a cool way to remember my brothers. They have just come in today. Check out my new No. 1 jersey. (Author's note: And when you say 22 for Kaka, you now know where the concept originated - right. They could not have remembered the names without the numbers - could they?)
Bhima: Yes, yes. Enough of this. Talk to Upananda and the rest of the gang, give me the money, and take the copy.
Duryodhana: Thanks Bhima. Dont worry about my brothers. They only do what I tell them to do. And I will tell them to keep shut. Here is the money. Meet me at the back of the blue tree in the evening - I would have talked to them by then. Don't you worry.
Bhima: Cool. Meet you at the back of the blue tree. blue tree, blue tree - and so singing Bhima goes out
(Scene shifts to inside the Kaurava palace).
Duryodhana was masturbating in the Kaurava bathroom with his new (and so far) only copy of the Kamasutra yearend edition, and there was a long line of other Kaurava princes outside, who were waiting to see what the buzz was all about. All they could here was the oohs and the aahs from Duryodhana, and at first they thought their eldest brother had a fit - before being informed by Dushasan (who was the Man Friday for the eldest brother) about what treasures Duryodhana had inside. And then everyone got into line according to their jersey numbers (which again was listed agewise). And as the line was being formed in the bathroom and outside, (for it was a very long line) suddenly in walked the elders, Bhishma, Dhritrashtra and Vidura, with the Pandavas in tow. Duryodhana's aahs and oohs were heard and were proof of the shameful act, while his other brothers were reprimanded and sent back to their rooms.
Dhritrashtra (who was blind): Yeh kya ho raha hai beta Duryodhana? (What is taking place, Duryodhana?) (This was where it all started - it was to become the blind king's most popular dialogue to his son).
Duryodhana (not knowing what to do): aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!
Bhishma : Arent you ashamed of yourself Duryodhana. Reading such magazines at your age. You are spoiling your younger brothers also. Now finish whatever you are doing soon, and come outside soon.
Duryodhana: Yes Grandpa!!!! Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!! I am just coming.
And then Duryodhana came. (Outside I mean, you perverts).
Dhritrashtra: Yeh kya ho raha hai beta Duryodhana?
Duryodhana: Am sorry Papa. You know this new edition is really hot.
Bhishma: Shut up Duryodhana. And tell me where did you get this copy. Vidura take this away ("He is the only one among us three who can use this. Dhritrashtra is blind, and as you all know, I am gay," he might have added, but he didn't).
Duryodhana: Bhima sold it to me. He got it from his jungle friends. And he even beat Upananda, Pasey, Sunaney, No. 63 and No..... (I even forget their names now papa).
Bhima: No no no no..I didnt grandpa. I dont know what he is talking about. I just heard something about a bad magazine here nearby and came to tell you - because magazines like these are a bad influence for someone like Duryodhana. I even tried to stop him, but he didnt listen. Did I not do the right thing? Why is Duryodhana attributing it to me now? Why is he taking my name?
Dhritrashtra: Yudhishtra, you always speak the truth. Is it right what Duryodhana is saying?
Yudhishtra: Why are you questioning me now Uncle? Why is my cousin trying to bring Bhima into the picture? You know our dad is dead and....
Dhritrashtra: I know and I am sorry Pandavas. Duryodhana, you are given detention for the entire month for the shameful act and for lying and putting the blame on your righteous elder cousin, you will not be served food for next 48 hours. Starve now. Your brothers will be detained for two weeks.
Duryodhana: But papa.
But by then his dad, and all the others had left. So Duryodhana went to his uncle Shakuni.
Duryodhana: "Yes they did, mamu? But how did you know?"
Shakuni: "Hamaare jasoos is mahal ke kone kone mein hai" ("We have our spies in every corner of the palace - a dialogue that gained popularity only with Sholay some 3000 years later). And anyways, your face tells the story - every time. So what happened now."
Duryodhana finished the story.
Shakuni starts laughing at the end of it all. And then says "So he not only got your money, and beat your brothers, but also got you detained - for a month. How he fooled you!!!" Then suddenly turning grey, he whispered, "That Bhima is an evil boy - you must do something about him."
Duryodhana: "But what can I do. You always say this all the time - and he still makes me a fool, and beats up my poor brothers. And only I am strong enough to fight him. But he is my cousin, and moreover, papa and grandpa will scold me if I pick up a fight."
Shakuni : "Then just sit here talking to me and do nothing. What have your grandpa and papa given you anyways. They love the Pandavas and Bhima more than you, and there is nothing you can do about it."
Duryodhana : "Papa loves me, and grandpa too. But I am not too sure about Vidura. He is the one who is always trying to bring me down, I think"
Shakuni : "They did love you my poor nephew, before the Pandavas came to town. Now they all love the Pandavas. Noone, except me, cares about you."
Duryodhana: "I guess you are right uncle. But what should I do."
Shakuni : "All you Kauravas gather and beat him up to bully him."
Duryodhana: "That won't work, uncle. All my other brothers are afraid of him. Do not want to go near him. I am the only one who is that courageous." (Smiles, feeling proud of himself)
Shakuni : "Foolish, conceited boy you are. If you cannot beat him physically, let us teach him a lesson strategically."
Duryodhana : "How Mamaji?"
Shakuni : "A plan to get rid of Bheema I have. Are you interested?"
Duryodhan: "Yes I am"
And he whispers!!!!!
(To be continued)
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