Winning when I win.
Losing when I lose.
Achieving something when I achieve.
Not achieving something when I don't achieve.
Being ignored when I am ignored.
Being cared for when I am cared for.
Being in the public eye when I am with everyone.
Being left in solitude when I am alone.
Being good when I am good.
Being bad when I am bad.
Doing something I do.
Not doing something I dont do.
Being myself.
Not being myself.
Life. Death.
Sunday, December 17, 2006
Thursday, December 14, 2006
What life has taught me...
....0.Zilch.Zero. Sifar. Shunya. Nothing.
I have made the same mistakes again and again.
And this is something I dont wanna change. And its frustrating.
I am going to live, even though all I wanna do is die.
I have made the same mistakes again and again.
And this is something I dont wanna change. And its frustrating.
I am going to live, even though all I wanna do is die.
Sunday, December 10, 2006
Another day lost
Another day lost. My hallucinations are back. I cant remember how yesterday went by. I remember Friday evening, one of the few non-alcoholic Friday evenings here, and bang! The next thing I remember is Sunday morning 6 a.m. Where was I in between? I have absolutely no clue. I remember eating a lot of tablets( for kicks, because I couldnt find any whisky, and damn:it has become expensive) and then a huge blank.
What happened that whole day for me will be confined to history books. I have lost quite a few days this way, around five or six, just blanked out from memory. I dont know why this happens, but probably I sleep like Kumbhkaran, and even though I am awake for two three hours, I dont remember anything of those. Pretty scary, huh!!
On other fronts, exams start tomorrow. Have pretty much become immune to them now, and they pass off just like they did in IIT, with minimum effect. The effect they leave behind, the CGPA is another matter altogether. I know it matters a lot, but like another things which matter, I have finally stopped caring.
Had my birthday this past week. Got a splendid gift from friends here, my first Ganja joint. It was quite chill and good. Really liked it. Had it the next day as well. Didnt get very high though, which was disappointing.
Life has become pretty meaningless again, and I have made a deal this time around: I wont make such a big deal about living it. I am OK. I am doing good. And I will be fine for the world outside. Because now I have stopped caring. For you and for me.
On the inside though, I know something is just not right.
What happened that whole day for me will be confined to history books. I have lost quite a few days this way, around five or six, just blanked out from memory. I dont know why this happens, but probably I sleep like Kumbhkaran, and even though I am awake for two three hours, I dont remember anything of those. Pretty scary, huh!!
On other fronts, exams start tomorrow. Have pretty much become immune to them now, and they pass off just like they did in IIT, with minimum effect. The effect they leave behind, the CGPA is another matter altogether. I know it matters a lot, but like another things which matter, I have finally stopped caring.
Had my birthday this past week. Got a splendid gift from friends here, my first Ganja joint. It was quite chill and good. Really liked it. Had it the next day as well. Didnt get very high though, which was disappointing.
Life has become pretty meaningless again, and I have made a deal this time around: I wont make such a big deal about living it. I am OK. I am doing good. And I will be fine for the world outside. Because now I have stopped caring. For you and for me.
On the inside though, I know something is just not right.
Thursday, December 07, 2006
King Of Pain
[Sting..but exactly how I feel]
here's a little black spot on the sun today
It's the same old thing as yesterday
There's a black hat caught in a high tree top
There's a flag-pole rag and the wind won't stop
I have stood here before inside the pouring rain
With the world turning circles running 'round my brain
I guess I'm always hoping that you'll end this reign
But it's my destiny to be the king of pain
There's a little black spot on the sun today
(That's my soul up there)
It's the same old thing as yesterday
(That's my soul up there)
There's a black hat caught in a high tree top
(That's my soul up there)
There's a flag-pole rag and the wind won't stop
(That's my soul up there)
I have stood here before inside the pouring rain
With the world turning circles running 'round my brain
I guess I'm always hoping that you'll end this reign
But it's my destiny to be the king of pain
There's a fossil that's trapped in a high cliff wall
(That's my soul up there)
There's a dead salmon frozen in a waterfall
(That's my soul up there)
There's a blue whale beached by a springtide's ebb
(That's my soul up there)
There's a butterfly trapped in a spider's web
(That's my soul up there)
I have stood here before inside the pouring rain
With the world turning circles running 'round my brain
I guess I'm always hoping that you'll end this reign
But it's my destiny to be the king of pain
There's a king on a throne with his eyes torn out
There's a blind man looking for a shadow of doubt
There's a rich man sleeping on a golden bed
There's a skeleton choking on a crust of bread
King of pain
There's a red fox torn by a huntsman's pack
(That's my soul up there)
There's a black-winged gull with a broken back
(That's my soul up there)
There's a little black spot on the sun today
It's the same old thing as yesterday
I have stood here before inside the pouring rain
With the world turning circles running 'round my brain
I guess I'm always hoping that you'll end this reign
But it's my destiny to be the king of pain
king of pain
king of pain
king of pain
I'll always be king of pain...
here's a little black spot on the sun today
It's the same old thing as yesterday
There's a black hat caught in a high tree top
There's a flag-pole rag and the wind won't stop
I have stood here before inside the pouring rain
With the world turning circles running 'round my brain
I guess I'm always hoping that you'll end this reign
But it's my destiny to be the king of pain
There's a little black spot on the sun today
(That's my soul up there)
It's the same old thing as yesterday
(That's my soul up there)
There's a black hat caught in a high tree top
(That's my soul up there)
There's a flag-pole rag and the wind won't stop
(That's my soul up there)
I have stood here before inside the pouring rain
With the world turning circles running 'round my brain
I guess I'm always hoping that you'll end this reign
But it's my destiny to be the king of pain
There's a fossil that's trapped in a high cliff wall
(That's my soul up there)
There's a dead salmon frozen in a waterfall
(That's my soul up there)
There's a blue whale beached by a springtide's ebb
(That's my soul up there)
There's a butterfly trapped in a spider's web
(That's my soul up there)
I have stood here before inside the pouring rain
With the world turning circles running 'round my brain
I guess I'm always hoping that you'll end this reign
But it's my destiny to be the king of pain
There's a king on a throne with his eyes torn out
There's a blind man looking for a shadow of doubt
There's a rich man sleeping on a golden bed
There's a skeleton choking on a crust of bread
King of pain
There's a red fox torn by a huntsman's pack
(That's my soul up there)
There's a black-winged gull with a broken back
(That's my soul up there)
There's a little black spot on the sun today
It's the same old thing as yesterday
I have stood here before inside the pouring rain
With the world turning circles running 'round my brain
I guess I'm always hoping that you'll end this reign
But it's my destiny to be the king of pain
king of pain
king of pain
king of pain
I'll always be king of pain...
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
Answers
"The zubin i knew in my college days is no longer around....." was a comment posted on the previous post by a friend. And you know, why I wrote the last post. It was to answer your question on the yahoo group. The Bloomberg Internship didnt change anything. Because the real problem is somewhere else.
And its probably the time I answer back, and as I hate talking about these things personally, I will answer it here too, instead. And if you like me, you probably wont after reading this. But this is the truest one can ever be in a post.
In IITD, I think I had this image of being this happy-go-lucky person who indulged himself in everything from hostel dramatics (on the background) to long nightouts in Nescafe. Like a friend wrote in a testimonial about me on Orkut,("he couldn't care less about passing any course",) studies, or infact anything else of personal worth, were my last priority, much to the chagrin of my parents. I supposedly kept myself busy, by indulging in hostel activities, followed by nightly trips to Nescafe. I justified my not studying, or my not doing anything of personal value-addition by thinking I was building an all-round personality; and that I was making some good friendships. There was a strong part in me that wanted to achieve material recognition for all my efforts, but it was downed by the strong feeling of super-ego, which told me to take into account the team before the individual. And so all along, you never knew the real me in college, which I am certain you would have hated. And so whenever this part of me surfaced up I shut myself from the world, instead of talking about my desires with people.
So all this while I didnt concentrate on what I wanted, and was supposedly happy doing what was best for the group. Except that I wasnt happy. I hated doing all this, but I thought that people would like you if you were "good" and somehow, I wanted all my acquaintences to like me. There were times even in the past, if you remember, friend, when I would just like to shut myself away from the world; roam alone on the roads, listen to Everybody Hurts at loud voluems, trying to find something gratifying. It was when the real me started mocking me for putting a false mask. I couldnt talk about it to my friends, because they had known to like me, and I couldnt make them hate me by telling them all that I thought inside. I knew I was lying when I said," I do it because I enjoy doing it." I was doing what I did during the hostel days to seek respect and admiration of people. I thought all along, that was what mattered in life, and not a material recognition of my efforts.
But this view was shattered coming into the final year of college. And you, friend, were among the first people to make me realise that. I was never as close to you as much as I wanted to, and the actions you took sometimes made me realise I had made a fool of myself. People around me, lived for themselves, or their passion. I, on the other hand, lived for other people, creating a world-pleasing alter ego acting differently from what the real me would have acted. And it pained when I came to know that I, even in my good alter ego form, didnt really matter much to them. And everyone else just carried on with his life. I, on the other hand, had nothing to turn to. Because my alter ego had always desired that my friends get the best, not caring much about myself. And now it had nowhere to go.
But there was another thing as well. The real me doesnt like to see anyone else other than me successful. There is always a part of me that pains when I hear of a friend succeeding, and a part of me that becomes happy when he goes into trouble. I am probably even jealous of my parents'and my brother's success. I guess the real me is just sick. And this makes me feel guilty. And because I recently realised that because of this, the real me couldnt love anything but myself. I want everyone else to be suffering.
And now I am caught in a conflict with the alter-ego and the real me. This conflict is killing me. Slowly but surely, and there is nothing you can do about it.
You are happy because you live your life for yourself. I have never lived my life for myself, and the more I think about it, I hate myself. I feel guilty for having such negative feelings in my mind about people. I can live for other people (in my alter ego form), but now I realise that all relationships stink. Not an option.
Right now, I am OK. Please no more advices on how to be happy. I hate those the most.
And its probably the time I answer back, and as I hate talking about these things personally, I will answer it here too, instead. And if you like me, you probably wont after reading this. But this is the truest one can ever be in a post.
In IITD, I think I had this image of being this happy-go-lucky person who indulged himself in everything from hostel dramatics (on the background) to long nightouts in Nescafe. Like a friend wrote in a testimonial about me on Orkut,("he couldn't care less about passing any course",) studies, or infact anything else of personal worth, were my last priority, much to the chagrin of my parents. I supposedly kept myself busy, by indulging in hostel activities, followed by nightly trips to Nescafe. I justified my not studying, or my not doing anything of personal value-addition by thinking I was building an all-round personality; and that I was making some good friendships. There was a strong part in me that wanted to achieve material recognition for all my efforts, but it was downed by the strong feeling of super-ego, which told me to take into account the team before the individual. And so all along, you never knew the real me in college, which I am certain you would have hated. And so whenever this part of me surfaced up I shut myself from the world, instead of talking about my desires with people.
So all this while I didnt concentrate on what I wanted, and was supposedly happy doing what was best for the group. Except that I wasnt happy. I hated doing all this, but I thought that people would like you if you were "good" and somehow, I wanted all my acquaintences to like me. There were times even in the past, if you remember, friend, when I would just like to shut myself away from the world; roam alone on the roads, listen to Everybody Hurts at loud voluems, trying to find something gratifying. It was when the real me started mocking me for putting a false mask. I couldnt talk about it to my friends, because they had known to like me, and I couldnt make them hate me by telling them all that I thought inside. I knew I was lying when I said," I do it because I enjoy doing it." I was doing what I did during the hostel days to seek respect and admiration of people. I thought all along, that was what mattered in life, and not a material recognition of my efforts.
But this view was shattered coming into the final year of college. And you, friend, were among the first people to make me realise that. I was never as close to you as much as I wanted to, and the actions you took sometimes made me realise I had made a fool of myself. People around me, lived for themselves, or their passion. I, on the other hand, lived for other people, creating a world-pleasing alter ego acting differently from what the real me would have acted. And it pained when I came to know that I, even in my good alter ego form, didnt really matter much to them. And everyone else just carried on with his life. I, on the other hand, had nothing to turn to. Because my alter ego had always desired that my friends get the best, not caring much about myself. And now it had nowhere to go.
But there was another thing as well. The real me doesnt like to see anyone else other than me successful. There is always a part of me that pains when I hear of a friend succeeding, and a part of me that becomes happy when he goes into trouble. I am probably even jealous of my parents'and my brother's success. I guess the real me is just sick. And this makes me feel guilty. And because I recently realised that because of this, the real me couldnt love anything but myself. I want everyone else to be suffering.
And now I am caught in a conflict with the alter-ego and the real me. This conflict is killing me. Slowly but surely, and there is nothing you can do about it.
You are happy because you live your life for yourself. I have never lived my life for myself, and the more I think about it, I hate myself. I feel guilty for having such negative feelings in my mind about people. I can live for other people (in my alter ego form), but now I realise that all relationships stink. Not an option.
Right now, I am OK. Please no more advices on how to be happy. I hate those the most.
Friday, November 17, 2006
To Put things in perspective...
I have probably what most people would die to have.
A summer internship offer in my desired field (Financial Data Analysis) in my desired city (New York City, New York), with a more than enough stipend (Approx. $40 per hour or more) in a big company, Bloomberg, and a great chance to convert it into a PPO (Pre-Placement Offer). Doing pretty well in my college academically and otherwise.
Wonderful parents and a great brother, and caring friends.
What more can one ask for in life? Nothing much, I guess.
Am I happy, I ask myself? And the answer is no. I dont know why, but something seems to be wrong. Anyways, can anyone explain what being happy means?
A summer internship offer in my desired field (Financial Data Analysis) in my desired city (New York City, New York), with a more than enough stipend (Approx. $40 per hour or more) in a big company, Bloomberg, and a great chance to convert it into a PPO (Pre-Placement Offer). Doing pretty well in my college academically and otherwise.
Wonderful parents and a great brother, and caring friends.
What more can one ask for in life? Nothing much, I guess.
Am I happy, I ask myself? And the answer is no. I dont know why, but something seems to be wrong. Anyways, can anyone explain what being happy means?
Monday, November 13, 2006
Realisation - II
In the end, you either win or lose.
If you lose, you feel guilty of not having tried hard enough.
If you win, you feel guilty of making someone more hardworking and "deserving" lose.
In the end, all you do is lose.
"Everything in life has become a hygiene condition, not getting it makes you feel bad and sad; but getting it doesnt make you happy either."
If you lose, you feel guilty of not having tried hard enough.
If you win, you feel guilty of making someone more hardworking and "deserving" lose.
In the end, all you do is lose.
"Everything in life has become a hygiene condition, not getting it makes you feel bad and sad; but getting it doesnt make you happy either."
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
Today
Today is probably the first day when I have put in my best effort and not achieve something I wanted to.
Today is probably the first time I have experienced first-hand discrimination, and been subjected to some negative bias.
Today is, however, not the first time I have seen people with potential and interest losing out to people who are pseudo, and led by monetary lust.
Today is not the first time I feel life is unfair.
Today is not the first time I wish it was easy to die......
On feedback, what exactly is "out of the box" thinking?
And why cant people always stop giving advices?
And how can people live in this world of hope, where hope of a better, beautiful life is all that keeps all of us going?
Today is probably the first time I have experienced first-hand discrimination, and been subjected to some negative bias.
Today is, however, not the first time I have seen people with potential and interest losing out to people who are pseudo, and led by monetary lust.
Today is not the first time I feel life is unfair.
Today is not the first time I wish it was easy to die......
On feedback, what exactly is "out of the box" thinking?
And why cant people always stop giving advices?
And how can people live in this world of hope, where hope of a better, beautiful life is all that keeps all of us going?
Friday, October 27, 2006
My higher self
I am normally a pretty normal MBA in making, except that I am not getting totally caught in the placement rush of filling the forms. Am applying to companies though which only want resumes, and not forms. And I would like a Day 0 job, to get shortlisted, and convert PPOs. And while my normal self is an out and out extrovert, I have a deeper, "darker" side as well. Which writes most of the posts on this blog. Like this one. I think its my higher self.
We are told to be happy. To enjoy life. I am going mad probably, with all the crap I wrote in the last post, but what if I am being cured. What if I am seeing things in the right light, and the entire world is mad. What if I have figured out what life really is, and blurted it out loud, and all others around me are just not being able to see the truth, or probably too afraid to say it out.
Dont do the concepts of Hinduism and Matrix say the same things. Death is just the beginning of something else. There is no end. Why are we so afraid of death then, and why do we want to emcompass life with all the happiness? People who know me good enough tell me I have a "medical disorder" called depression. They want me to seek cure for this illness. And now I am ready, for their sake, to seek treatment.
For the record though, what happens if I find out in the end (of this life), that I was right all through? That I am already in a higher plane of thought, where things are so much clearer. That psycathric help is just another of these methods to pull you back into the earthly plane of life, to make you seek happiness, which is in real terms, an imaginary concept. We all have a void in our lives. No one is happy. Everyone is chasing happiness, and all who chase it dont get it.
You know, then people say, "If you had everything, what else would be left to do?" The point we miss however is, that you can never have everything. In life we run chasing things which we think will make us happy. If we dont get them, we get sad, and if we do get them, we realise that it wasnt the thing we were after. And we seek a new object of affiliation. And this cycle continues.
And someone would now say, "this is exactly what life is." Death is just the end of this suffering, something which shall make us happy. Then why do we shy away from it? Why do we want a long life? Why do we run after happiness so much?
I had an accident in a bus recently, which made all people around me take some sort of preventive action as the breaks were suddenly applied, and I noticed that people started churning out prayers in their native tongues. And I also noticed that I was the only one calm. The accident later turned out to be a minor one, but it made me sure of one thing: I am not afraid of death. And I think I am happier than all of you just because of this fact. And which also makes me not seek death anymore.
I dont want to die because I am sad. Exactly the opposite. Its just because I dont want to run after happiness, which is what life is all about. Once you find that true happiness within yourself, like I have started to, life becomes meaningless because you have nothing more to do. But I am living on for myself now. To enjoy this actual happiness. Hypocritic? I am a hypocrite, like my brother says.
I dont need anyone around to make me happy. I have started loving my peace around myself. Sorry to say this, but I detest people calling me, talking to me or coming to my room for asking questions. I just want to be alone. Totally alone. I have stopped feeling things for others. Noone matters to me. Nothing can alter my inner peace, not even I probably.
We are told to be happy. To enjoy life. I am going mad probably, with all the crap I wrote in the last post, but what if I am being cured. What if I am seeing things in the right light, and the entire world is mad. What if I have figured out what life really is, and blurted it out loud, and all others around me are just not being able to see the truth, or probably too afraid to say it out.
Dont do the concepts of Hinduism and Matrix say the same things. Death is just the beginning of something else. There is no end. Why are we so afraid of death then, and why do we want to emcompass life with all the happiness? People who know me good enough tell me I have a "medical disorder" called depression. They want me to seek cure for this illness. And now I am ready, for their sake, to seek treatment.
For the record though, what happens if I find out in the end (of this life), that I was right all through? That I am already in a higher plane of thought, where things are so much clearer. That psycathric help is just another of these methods to pull you back into the earthly plane of life, to make you seek happiness, which is in real terms, an imaginary concept. We all have a void in our lives. No one is happy. Everyone is chasing happiness, and all who chase it dont get it.
You know, then people say, "If you had everything, what else would be left to do?" The point we miss however is, that you can never have everything. In life we run chasing things which we think will make us happy. If we dont get them, we get sad, and if we do get them, we realise that it wasnt the thing we were after. And we seek a new object of affiliation. And this cycle continues.
And someone would now say, "this is exactly what life is." Death is just the end of this suffering, something which shall make us happy. Then why do we shy away from it? Why do we want a long life? Why do we run after happiness so much?
I had an accident in a bus recently, which made all people around me take some sort of preventive action as the breaks were suddenly applied, and I noticed that people started churning out prayers in their native tongues. And I also noticed that I was the only one calm. The accident later turned out to be a minor one, but it made me sure of one thing: I am not afraid of death. And I think I am happier than all of you just because of this fact. And which also makes me not seek death anymore.
I dont want to die because I am sad. Exactly the opposite. Its just because I dont want to run after happiness, which is what life is all about. Once you find that true happiness within yourself, like I have started to, life becomes meaningless because you have nothing more to do. But I am living on for myself now. To enjoy this actual happiness. Hypocritic? I am a hypocrite, like my brother says.
I dont need anyone around to make me happy. I have started loving my peace around myself. Sorry to say this, but I detest people calling me, talking to me or coming to my room for asking questions. I just want to be alone. Totally alone. I have stopped feeling things for others. Noone matters to me. Nothing can alter my inner peace, not even I probably.
Friday, October 20, 2006
Whatever
I am heavily drunk right now. Which makes this blog a lot accurate than what it has been in the past.
We are all runnning away. From Death, which is the end but we refuse to admit it. Death is peace, the end of all the pain that life has in store for us. Life is pain. The joys in life are just a detterent. We try chasing happiness. Its like "You just get good marks in 10th. Life will be much better then." When you do that, its "Get through JEE, you will have nothing to worry about." When you make it through IIT, it is "Get through Mckinsey/BCG, CAT and life will be great". When you make it through IIM, it is "Get a Day Zero Summers, and life is chill throughout.". Life is never chill, It is one big pain.
Death is the answer. and the best thing was if we could all run away. From life towards death. But we just cant. Because of our relationships. We all have to suffer because man is a social animal that needs company. And relationships that cause more pain than joy. Most people are blind to this simple fact. I am not, at this moment atleast. I am at a higher plane, and the only thing that causes me pain is the fact that I cant die, because it shall pain my family and friends.
I wish I could die.....
We are all runnning away. From Death, which is the end but we refuse to admit it. Death is peace, the end of all the pain that life has in store for us. Life is pain. The joys in life are just a detterent. We try chasing happiness. Its like "You just get good marks in 10th. Life will be much better then." When you do that, its "Get through JEE, you will have nothing to worry about." When you make it through IIT, it is "Get through Mckinsey/BCG, CAT and life will be great". When you make it through IIM, it is "Get a Day Zero Summers, and life is chill throughout.". Life is never chill, It is one big pain.
Death is the answer. and the best thing was if we could all run away. From life towards death. But we just cant. Because of our relationships. We all have to suffer because man is a social animal that needs company. And relationships that cause more pain than joy. Most people are blind to this simple fact. I am not, at this moment atleast. I am at a higher plane, and the only thing that causes me pain is the fact that I cant die, because it shall pain my family and friends.
I wish I could die.....
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