Me myself and I

Mahabharat 14: Krishna's Awesomeness

2011-11-07T01:50:00.011+05:30

(The standard disclaimers apply. Do not read if below 18 years of age).

(A quick recap: Krishna and Balarama grew up in the village, herding cows for a living. They foiled many attempts of Kamsa to kill them, Krishna using his divine powers in most cases. Finally, Kamsa invited them both to Mathura in order to have them killed, but instead got killed by Krishna.)

Now, Krishna was much like Tiger Woods: he was black, he was a genius, and a real womanizer, much in the Tiger Woods mode. Back in the time when he was growing up in the village under cover, he had affairs with many village girls at the same time, a practice that's remembered in India as "Ras Lila". He used to seduce girls through a 3P strategy: a mix of philosophy, poems and perverseness. He also had a flute, which he used to sing these small songs he wrote himself. Here are a few examples (translated from Sanskrit):

Happiness is a state of mind,
And mine is pretty easy to find,
if only you will be very kind,
and show me your naked behind.

Radha, you are the only girl in my life,
and I want to make you my wife,
but before we settle down in our own cozy home,
lets have some fun, and involve Rita in a smashing threesome.

Needless to say, he had his way with women. He had managed to impress himself (pun intended) on every girl he knew in the village - which for a cowherd was unheard for. Which is why they had cried when he had left for Mathura and had not promised to return back.

He looked forward to greener pastures, in a manner of speaking. City girls were way hotter, he had heard, and wore clothes that left little to the imagination. They were often more experimental too, from what little he had read. He had often imagined different positions from the Kamasutra that he could try, but had been unable to get Radha or any of his other beloveds to try them, despite writing songs about them. He had heard that city girls would try anything, and he looked forward to it. But before that a lot of work had to be done - politically.

Krishna, as mentioned , having killed his maternal uncle, Kamsa, refused the throne of Mathura for himself - as was wanted by the people of Mathura - instead giving it back to his grandfather Ugrasen. This was a move that did not please many people who wanted Krishna to be the king - one person had even threatened to commit suicide if Krishna did not become the king. However, Krishna remained adamant, and slowly the people of Mathura accepted Krishna's decision as final, and agreed to Ugrasen as king. Now Ugrasen was an old, bearded, silent man - some recent excavations at Mathura reveal that he looked a lot like Mr. Manmohan Singh - and he did not have much of the power, which was concentrated between Krishna and Balarama, who were both named Princes. This suited both of them, for they had all the power without any responsibility. Krishna wanted to be able to enjoy the city girls in the same way he had the village girls and felt his indiscretions as king would be well-publicized. (Editor's Note: For all those people who claim Sonia Gandhi is not Indian enough, how could she have the brainwave of refusing the post of Prime Minister had she not read the Mahabharat and known this particular incident?)

Krishna was the brains, Balarama the brawn - and they formed a solid team.

The people of Mathura were overjoyed to have Krishna and Balarama instead of Kamsa. The reign of Kamsa saw high tax rates, and the public suffered as a result. Inflation was also rampant, and the common man reeled from effects of daily price rise and oil rate hike. Moreover, Kamsa was among other things, a sex maniac, and no girl was safe from his predations. His acts had spurred a number of parents in Mathura to kill the girl child as soon as she was born - the first recorded history of female infanticide in India. However, with Krishna and Balarama at the helm, people felt much safer, and one of the first popular decisions that the two princes took was to decrease the tax burden - bringing down taxes by as much as 90%. They also banned female infanticide. Bringing down inflation was the top priority of Krishna, who doubled as the Finance and External Affairs Minister, while Balarama looked after departments of Home and Defence. Mathura looked forward to times of peace and prosperity, while the two princes looked forward to enjoy their princely rights - having had a tough childhood in the village.

However, Mathura was immediately under threat. The powerful king of Magadha, Jarasandha, who was one of the most powerful kings in history, was the father-in-law of Kamsa, and by making his 2 daughters widows, Krishna had made himself a sworn enemy. Jarasandha, with an assortment of armies from his many vassal kings, launched an attack on Mathura. There were 100:1 odds offered by bookies against Mathura's survival against such onslaught (Yep, for those of you wondering, betting was prevalent even back then), but Balarama's valour and Krishna's strategy won the day.

However, Jarasandha was not finished, and he gave Krishna and Balarama no respite, attacking them 17 times in a short time, being dragged back each time, but barely giving the princes time to enjoy any of the princely rights they were hoping to enjoy. Jarasandha had a large army, and he was on the verge of attacking Matura for the 18th time. Moreover, war cost money, and soon tax was raised to a level higher than it was during Kamsa's time, which plummetted the ratings of the new princes to a new low level. Inflation ran rampant, and the conditions of the common man worsened. Moreover, a number of men died defending Mathura, and Mathura was soon running out of resources.

Something needed to be done: and so Krishna came up with a new strategy - the move of the capital away from Mathura. Using his divine powers, and the divine architecture, Vishwakarma, he built a new city in Dwarka, which was on the far west corner of India, and as far away from Magadha as possible, and overnight shifted the population from Mathura to Dwarka. (Editor's Note: This is where Indian history scores over Christian and Jewish history. Moses took 40 years of voyage to deliver Jews into the promised land. Krishna did the same distance, and moved more number of people overnight. India rocks!!).

The people of Mathura were kind of surprised when they woke up the next day, but soon they settled and finally looked to long periods of peace and prosperity. And no taxes, for Dwarka was built on an island which had large deposits of oil. Oil income drove the revenues and Dwarka became the ancient day Dubai. While Dwarka thrived and prospered, the two princes got down to pursue their princely pleasures.

Which for Krishna meant, a whole swinging party. He was tall, dark and handsome, and a prince on top of that. Girls threw themselves at him, and he was not the one complaining. He started enjoying life to the hilt, and would soon have 16108 wives, which would make him the most well satisfied men in the history of the world - leaving behind such well known names like Charlie Sheen, Wilt Chamberlain and N.D. Tiwari far behind.

To cut it short, Krishna had an awesome life. As this couplet, translated from Sanskrit, reveals.

I have made love to a sixteen thousand women,
and one hundred and eight more,
I have tried all positions in the Kamasutra,
either soft or hardcore.

A tribute to awesomeness

2011-10-16T22:52:00.004+05:30

It has been a rather tragic last month. Steve Jobs, Jagjit Singh and Dennis Ritchie (no, not Denise Richards) all dead. A lot has been written and said about their deaths - and they were the numero uno in their respective fields. For me personally, however, none of these deaths has had a very specific impact. I have never used Apple except for the Ipod Nano - and I am pretty happy to own it, but I was as happy with the Creative MP3 player I had before. I do not quite understand the aesthetics which make Apple products in general, and Steve Jobs in particular, such a rage everywhere. I think the loss of Jagjit Singh is a pretty big loss to the Ghazal world, but my Ghazal period is well past me now, and I do not think I was going to try any of his newer ghazals were they to come out. About Dennis Ritchie, I had no idea who he was until he died. I recoiled in horror when I thought that Denise Richards had died though, for who can get bored of that amazing Wild Things scene. And the less said of my programming skills the better.
But what cannot be denied is that the world is three amazing men short, and in today's world, where amazing people are hard to come by, it is a tragedy of the highest order.
In spite of all these tragedies abounding the world, the most tragic event in the previous month for me has been the decision of REM to call it a day.

I am by no means a passionate fan, for passion, as long term readers of this blog will testify, is not something I associate myself with. Even though REM is my favourite band, or so I like telling people, there are some songs I absolutely hate. How can anyone get through Shiny Happy People, Lotus or Swan Swan is beyond me. On the other hand, I love all songs of Beatles, Rolling Stones, Who or Dire Straits, to name some of the other bands I like. But my favourite band, I hasten to add, is still REM.

Perhaps its for reasons more than the music. I do not understand music to be very honest. I listen to music a lot, but I am unable to rate music as good or bad. In other words, I am not really able to appreciate music. I have never been really to appreciate AR Rehman or the music of Dev D for example. The only instrumentals I have ever been able to like are the Fifth Symphony, Jessica and the Doors' Symphony. I also have problem making my Ipod listing, for what I like is a function of external factors, and my mood.

But I digress. Had I been able to appreciate music I might have said that Buck is the god of guitar or something. Or that Stipes' vocals are what make him one of the underrated singers of our generation. Or that the reason for REM's success is that the whole is much greater than the sum of four talented - but not genius- musicians from Athens, Georgia. But I can make none of those claims. I can only claim that I love REM, and because music is not the reason I do it for, I can only hypothesize about the why of it.

I appreciate REM for the kind of legacy they have made in the industry, being totally independent, and still managing to make it big. I also appreciate their strong anti-right wing views. But those are just add on features - not enough to make them my favourite.

I probably like REM because it is a sad band. Just like me. They do a lot of happy songs, but inherently their greatest hits have been songs about losing or trying to find - feelings I can so well connect with, about being lonely in the company of people, about finding and losing love. In short, most of REM songs, I feel, are about me. I am a lot like the protoganist in a lot of REM songs, confused, but trying to find a way. He is not perfect, and there is something he is seeking, and the songs are about the journey.

Why is the band not more popular, I hear the skeptics among you say. It is because people do not know much beyond Losing My Religion when it comes to REM. So here is a list, one that you must listen to - a song of my favourite REM songs in no particular order:

a) Nightswimming - My first REM song, and one that hooked me instantly. Its a song about longing, probably about going back to one's childhood. About how, after a long hard day, all you ever want is to be a child again, and enjoy nightswimming, like years ago. Its also, at the same time, a song about lost love, and being betrayed. Or atleast that is what I think.
b) Ignoreland - A pure vitriol filled, right wing bashing political song. And one, which should become the anthem for anti-right forces come the 2014 elections. The way it starts "These bastards stole power from the victims of the us v. them years" is a precursor to how the right wing might emerge back into power, creating issues that were never there.
c) Find the River - These lyrics do not make any sense when you look at it. However, once you start appreciating Stipe's writing genius, you will probably recognize this song to be about starting a search to find the meaning of your life. It is a tough quest, but the protagonist is about to make that journey.
d) Everybody Hurts - What more can I say? A song that helped me through the darkest time of my life, and which nursed me back to good things. If there was one song that a man committing suicide should listen to, it is this.
e) At my most beautiful - Another example of REM awesomeness. A sweet love song, about how love makes you feel so good about yourself.
f) Strange Currencies - A song about unrequited love, and its truly amazing. I have been in the unrequited love stage a few times, and have researched bits about songs, and this is top of the heap, so take my word for it.
g) My Crush with Eyeliner - About proposing. About how to get a girl to like you. Sweet.
h) I've been High - Sample lyrics: "I've been high, but life, it still washes over me." "All I want, all I really want, is to live my life on a high". Need I say anything more? If you have been high, and disappointed even at that high state, this is the song for you. Legendary.
i) Whats the Frequency Kenneth - A middle class refrain to the youth. I can agree, after visiting places like TC, and seeing these 20 year old acting as if they own the world.
j) Losing My Religion - The most famous REM song by a distance. A song, again of unrequited love.
k) Electrolite - Ever felt like being totally alone and on the top of the world? This song captures that feeling.
l) Don't go back to Rockville - Replace Rockville with the required city name, and this song shall become the kind of song you will sing for someone who is leaving you and you run to the airport to ask them to get back. The kind of thing Ross does for Rachel, or the kind of foolish thing I have done.
m) Be Mine - A stalker song. But pretty sweet and corny.

I could go on and on, but this list should do for now. And when you are done, could you be cool enough to comment on your opinions about the band and the songs you listened to?

And yeah, thanks REM. I owe you a big one.

Open Letter to Mr. Manmohan Singh

2011-10-02T00:50:00.004+05:30

I am pretty sure that you, being the Prime Minister of India do not read random open letters that people write to you. Instead, I believe that you, sir, heading the government in the largest democracy, are often hard pressed for time. Your job is not an advertisement for work-life balance for sure, and I do not think that you get time to even stumble upon social media. Unlike the man who could never be the Prime Minister.

It is pretty well established, then, that you would not be reading this letter. However, writing this helps me vent my frustration out. Moreover, on a slightly more selfish note, writing an open letter to you also gets potential new visitors to this blog. Nothing really succeeds like an idea whose time has come – and the latest idea doing the rounds in social media is about abusing the government and everyone related to the ruling Congress Party.

Sir, it is a good thing you are not exactly social media savvy. For if you were, you would not like what you would see. (Hell, even I do not like what I see in my Facebook feeds). You see, my Facebook feed is full of inglorious stories about Congress Party in general, and Mrs. G in particular. A latest story going about in Facebook has even hinted at the possibility of Mrs. G using her body to earn money when she was in England. I assume it is part of a campaign to malign the Gandhi family, but the attempt has definitely become a hit in the social media. And everytime I log into Facebook (which is like, every 10 minutes), the story has been shared by one more friend. Even you are not spared sir, and people insist jokes like “My phone is in Manmohan mode, because I am in a meeting” are more a reflection of truth that humour.

Oh, how the mighty have fallen! I still remember the day when you had written a glorious chapter in the 5000 year old history of India on 24th July 1991 in your Budget speech, heralding in an era of globalization and liberalization in the Indian economy. And subconsciously, creating a whole new generation – a generation that till then had grown up on Ramanand Sagar’s Ramayana and which then found solace in Nirvana and Pearl Jam videos on MTV. This was the confused generation, a generation brought up on traditional Indian values, but one which was strongly impacted by the cable TV and other symbols of globalization and liberalisation. While we marvel at the completely Westernized lifestyle the generation below us has adapted itself to, we are also caught up with traditional notions of morality and ethics. And so for all practical purposes, we as a generation are screwed.

But today, this generation has suddenly decided to remove the cloaks of confusion that has bound it, and risen almost as one: Against you and your government as it were. At least in social media, where it is easy to protest, and does not cost much. You have suddenly fallen from being the man who heralded the economic revolution in India to a puppet who is dancing to “Master of Puppets” by Mrs. G. The amount of hatred in social media against your government as expressed through the social media was manifested during the Anna Hazare campaign. The slogans that were raised, comparing Cabinet ministers to animals and Mrs. G to mother of a corrupt government, just spoke of the disillusionment of the people with the government.

Yes I know only 50000 entered the Ram Lila Grounds, but if the Facebook and twitter movements are anything to go by, it was a mass middle class movement -the same middle class, which saw unprecedented opportunities for growth after your 24th July speech. Along with a confused generation, you had also spawned a Frankenstein - a new middle class, which after years of tolerating the License Raj, now wanted everything at their own terms. When the Congress surprisingly – and let us admit it was surprising even to you – ended up as the single biggest party in 2004 general elections, and you were selected by Mrs. G as the Prime Minister, India saw a new ray of hope. Finally, an honest, clean and secular government was what most people thought. While your first five years did not really set the pulses rising, you blamed everything on the “constraints of coalition politics.” And people believed you, gauged you deserved a second chance and returned the Congress Party with its highest tally since 1991. The decision to return you to power has proved to be about as right as making Senator Palpatine the Supreme Chancellor of the Republic in Star Wars. Or so the social media sites would have one believe. Your government is being portrayed as a collection of evil Jedis, and you as the unwilling Darth Vader. Mrs G, as you might have guessed, is the emperor.

Honestly, people are fed up. There have been scams and more scams. It is not the first time that scams have occurred, but with the advent of Facebook and twitter, people who can express their frustrations at the prevalent corruption are doing it. Ironically, it is that generation that you helped create and the middle class whose dreams you fostered, who are at the forefront of the revolution. They want to see India as a superpower – a country with unlimited potential, which however is being brought down by the various corruption activities, of which the government has been unable to absolve itself. Corruption has become a big issue for everyone and will be the single biggest reason of the return to power of BJP. Unless you clean up the house that is, and take full responsibility for the actions of your cabinet colleagues. Become the master of puppets for once.

I personally do not care much about corruption, and there are good points to be made in favour of corruption as well. However, I believe that the inability of your government to check corruption is giving rise to a new kind of emotion among people – the portrayal of Narendra Modi as a prime ministerial candidate. The social media is enthused about Narendra Modi’s success in transforming Gujarat. How Gujarat has managed 11% growth, and how the state is virtually corruption free. (Though, from what I hear, there are many places where alcohol is available). And a lot of my facebook friends gush about how good a candidate Narendra Modi would make. In short, Narendra Modi has captured the fantasy of the social network. To use the Star Wars analogy, Narendra Modi is Luke Skywalker – atleast for the social media.

The more you remain silent about the whole issues that your government faces, the more Opposition claims that you are a weak PM seem true. And the more Narendra Modi gains credibility. Just like Hitler did back in the early 30s. The difference being that while Hitler’s campaign was aimed at German nationalism and the rallying point was the disarmament of the German army, Modi’s would be corruption plaguing the central government. And unless you set the house in order sir, just like in Germany, a wave will start here in India, which might be difficult to contain. Like Hitler, Modi is a brilliant orator and is able to control the public perception through careful propaganda, but I do not think the similarities end here. All I would like to say, Modi as PM could be the gravest challenge that India has ever in its long history.

If that were to happen, Mr. Manmohan Singh, India would never forgive you.

The Irony of the filter scale theory

2011-09-13T00:30:00.010+05:30

So you have met this new girl. She is someone, who on first looks, fulfils your ZSV matrix criteria ("Degi to le loonga", for the uninitiated). As you get to know her better, she fulfills most of your other filters too. All in all, she is a 80 on your 100 point filter score.

The filter score is a score combination of many filters which you might have for you perfect girl to have. Now,you being a frustrated engineer and later an MBA, the score has very high weights for external attributes. However, filters can also include professional characteristics, geographical attributes, cultural club and social behaviour filters. The girl needs to score highly on all of them to be eligible for future conversations.

Now, being an engineer and an MBA who has managed to achieve things pretty easily in life, you also have affinity for being the best. Which is why the girl you want to date also needs to rate pretty high up on your filters. This is why your filter pass marks are very high compared to the Board and graduation/post-graduation course pass marks. A girl needs to score at least a 75 in your filter score for you to actively pursue her.

However, this is where the irony creeps in. Being an engineer and a MBA, you also do not have much confidence in yourself, and so believe you do not deserve a 65 or above. The maximum, if things go well, you can do is a 65. This attitude has been brought on by years after years of rejections from girls of all shapes and sizes, and you have absolutely lost your self-confidence, especially when it comes to girls. Now because you think you deserve only a 65, but because you are not willing to fall below 75 when it comes to dating, you are still single. This 10 point gap is something that is insurmountable, and hence, you have accepted being single as a truth of life.

Now, what actually happens is, you are not as bad as that. In truth, you might deserve a 85 even, because you are pretty funny, and come to think of it, potentially rich. The theory has yet to be confirmed, but your friends think you can do better than 65, and this 85 theory is as valid as scientific claims made in the Vedas, or the Mathematical claims of Ramanujan - an invalidated truth.

Now what happens is that all girls, up until this point, who have managed to pass the filter score have been committed. Or married. Or engaged. (I am sure you get the point). However, this girl, who after you have interacted with her enough, has managed to score a 80, and voila - she is still single. It is a mystery as to why this is so, but you are a firm believer in destiny, and believe it is what was meant to be, and hence this girl is "THE ONE".

There is more to this though. Because you think you deserve only a 65 (at best that, mind you), this new girl, who has managed to score a 80 on your filter score, is a bit of anomaly. She has been talking to you regularly, which is kind of odd, and which makes you uncomfortable - you have never been remotely near a 80 before. Which is why, being an engineer and completely lacking all kinds of social skills, you can only mumble while she talks to you, and think about how could you get a 80 just like that. Which is where your entire value system kicks on, and the concept of Karma gets to you, and you think something that you do not deserve is a bad thing altogether. And then you start to find ways to get this 80 girl to lose you. You start acting like a sore loser, and then feel bad about yourself when she shakes you off and starts seeing someone else.

Then the entire cycle kicks off again. You lower your standards further, and nowadays your new standard of what you deserve has fallen to 60. What you want, though, has also fallen to 70. The irreversible 10 point gap remains the same, though.

Ahh, the story of your life. Probably being single is the truth of life, you say.

A Ballad of Love. Or some other shit.

2011-09-08T02:51:00.002+05:30

Kiss me, the Sixpence song, playing in the background;
Reminding Kate of the time she had spent with Ronan around;
And how she was so happy, life was so good, her Wonder Years;
That she still can't understand how did it all end in tears.
That was the one true love of her life, the one she held so dear,
Its been a long while, but he was the only one who came near.
Kate has had boyfriends and lovers and a husband since Ronan left
Although none of them has been able to fill her heart's cleft.

Kate is a memory forever entrenched in his brain,
Ronan sighs as he hears Kate's favourite song playing on the Train;
And memories long suppressed, suddenly find a voice,
There are no second chances, else Ronan would've made the right choice;
The fault was his, of this there is little doubt in his mind,
It was a mistake to let Kate go, she was so sweet and so kind;
Knight in shining armour was what he wanted to be for Kate,
All he could do was be an asshole, and realising it a bit too late;

Kate, the first time he saw her, looked so beautiful and simple,
Ronan still remembers, the train ride and the noisy German couple;
And it was bitching about them that the two of them began to chat,
Thats when they discovered their shared passion for tennis, arts and cats;
They discussed Politics,love and single parents, and passed away the night;
It was like two sides of a coin, it was love at first sight.
Knowing they had found their soulmates, they decided to see each other;
And soon they were living together, having informed her father and his mother.

Kismet, though, had other things in store for them, made them cry,
Right after six months or so, the passion had run dry;
And Ronan had decided he was being constrained, and needed a way out,
That led to increased arguments with Kate, who had her own doubts;
The thing was not going to work, that much was clear to all,
It was always a building that was going to fall.
Kate shifted out, and started seeing other guys, soon marrying,
And Ronan restarted his bachelor lifestyle, partying hard and travelling.

Kate, for all her lovers, never could find anyone to confide with,
Ronan, on the other hand, never found anyone else to spend his life with
And today, the day they first met is ten years in history
That train ride though is still a vivid memory.
There are probably many like the two mentioned here,
It was meant to be true love, but could never quite reach there,
Kate and Ronan is not an isolated case, they were made for each other,
And maybe the made for each other concept is as faulty as any other.

Anna and the King

2011-08-24T04:04:00.007+05:30

(Disclaimer: The article involves a lot of stereotyping. For someone marking me out as a Congress puppy, here is a small background.I have never been a huge fan of democracy, and I spent my early childhood dreaming of the day when I will become dictator of the country and set this country alright. As a young boy, I was convinced that democracy is a failed notion, and the sad state of the country can be attributed by a great deal to the electoral pleasing politics played by leaders. I was probably agitated by the Rajiv Goswami incident, despite being only seven years old, and seeing pictures of protests all over the country over the Mandal recommendations. My fertile imaginative mind worked in full swing back then - I wanted to take seize power from the useless leaders, who had sent the country to dogs, and create a new India, which would be corrupt-free and meritorious. There would be no place for reservations or minority appeasment. I would rule the country with an iron-hand, giving full chance to the deserving and rooting out the non-meritorious. Anyone disputing my calls would be severely punished. In short, I would wield absolute power, and use that power to make India what it historically was - the bird of Gold (sone ki chidiya). To put it otherwise, I was a right winger. However then I grew up and was able to argue things on my own, and come to the conclusion that democracy, while being the far-from-perfect model, is probably the best one given India’s position as a socially, culturally and religiously diversified society.)

The movie was fabulous. Or I have heard it was. The spoof, being currently played out in the aptly named Ramlila Grounds, is anything but. A 74 year old apparently senile man who plays the major part in the new spoof, playing both the title parts. On the one hand, he is a tender voice against the corruption and the evil government (Anna), and on the other, he is the king who is holding the government, and the people of India to ransom through what can at the very modest, be termed blackmail.

A lot of people not supporting Anna Hazare's movement have been doing so because they take exceptions to the method that he is taking. A lot has been written about it, and I will therefore bypass that point and discuss something else, which is probably much more far reaching with effect to India as a country and a heterogeneous society.

I have basically two objections to the Anna Hazare demand for corruption - other than the one about the method. Both of them are fairly controversial and I am ready for a debate on both: One has to do with the need for corruption, and how people are being entirely hypocritical while ganging up with Anna, while the second objection, which I am going to discuss first, is the impact of the agitation.

Issue 1 : Context: India is a truly remarkable country. Growing up,our books described India as "unity among diversity." I was not very sure about what the expression meant, and while the unity part might still be up for discussion, there is no doubting the diversity of the country. It is perhaps amazing that India is one country. There is no other country with the kind of diversity that India has, and at such different levels. Most of the states are separated on linguistic lines, and often have their own culture. No other country has the kind of linguistic and cultural diversity that India has. Spain is the only other country that comes to mind, but it has had its history of civil wars, and the peace existing in the country is very fragile, as the occasional brawls between Barcelona and Real Madrid in football often proves. The Catalans hate Madridistas, and the less said about the autonomous Basque county, the better. And in Spain, there is no divide across religious and racial lines, unlike in India. Belgium is on the verge of breaking up only because of the linguistic issue. India, moreover, also has a number of significant minority religions in different states, and within Hinduism, there is further subdivision across castes and sub-castes. All in all, the heterogeneous structure of India is a very thin fabric, and the fact that the fabric is holding up fine so far is a testimony to the strength of the country.

In every political system, there are two extremes across the political spectrum : the far right and the far left. The right wing is generally more conservative, more business-friendly, less individual freedom and more nationalistic, while the left wing is more radical, more socialist, and more individual freedom. The right wing is also more polar, and tends to create economic and social classes, while the left wing seeks to abolish them. While there are many differentiating factors that separate the two extreme positions, they can be summed up thus: The far right believe only what they do is right, while the far left is of the view that what everyone else does is wrong. Arundhiti Roy and her paranoia about everything is an example of far-left activism, while those of the temple and cocksureness about the location of the Ram Mandir is far-right. As a consequence, an extreme right government will probably do or seek to do a lot of work in its own way, but at the cost of freedom and probably subversion of certain elements, while a far left government will probably regress, unless the far left itself takes the far right position, for the two positions are not as different as they seem. Animal Farm or the USSR government would probably be good examples.

In the Indian context, far right would probably mean pushing reforms and promoting Indian nationalism and Hinduism, probably at the cost of the minority religions and/or the "lower" castes. The Gujarat government, which has ensured a Vibrant Gujarat, but is also charged with abetting the Gujarat riots and failing to ensure inclusive growth, is an example of far-right, while the erstwhile West Bengal government, which changed the face of Kolkata from that of Hema Malini to that of Jyoti Basu, is an example of far-left. The West Bengal growth, or the stagnation, has been pretty much inclusive. Everyone has come to the same level of poverty. In between, you have the different left-of-centre to right-of-centre combinations and different governments in India can possibly be mapped on the axis. In the Indian context, BJP is the right wing party, Congress is the centre party, while the Left Parties are well, left parties.

Similarly, most voters fall on either side of the centre: the far-right to far-left depending on your political ideals, and your moral and religious values. The right winged voters, who had been identifying themselves with the BJP for so long, are suddenly lost, for the BJP has regressed remarkably as a party since its 2004 loss. The loss was totally unexpected, but even its most adherent critics would not have predicted the rudderless ship it now resembles. The name of the party has been planned to be officially changed to Bhartiya Joker Party, if reports are to be believed. But I digress.

Issue 1: Impact: The failure of BJP as a party, has alienated the right wing electorate of the country. The right wing electorate generally belong to the Hindu, upper and middle classes and the non-Schedule Castes. They are generally well educated, and are active on social media. They are generally against reservations and pro-meritocracy. A large number of these right wing electorate who feel let down by the BJP do not really care about the temple, but about ensuring a transparent society, where everything works well. Most of them also support Narendra Modi, despite him being implicated in the riots, for the reason that their only concern is development, and they feel that no price is enough to achieve it. They are pro-reforms, and believe that corruption is the biggest threat to India. They do not want to understand the viewpoint of the other side, and are adamant that their demands, and wants are entirely justified. However, despite being sizable in number, the right wing voters are particularly known to skip election day as the size and heat of May sun gets to them, which probably explains why BJP lost the two elections in May.

On the other hand, the Congress government at the centre has made no overtures to them. In fact, the government has taken a decisive left-turn, and Congress has changed from a centralist party to a left-of-centre party. The Congress public motto of inclusive growth does not hold much weight with the right wing voters. Moreover, the reservation issue is another key thorn. This, and other policies of the government, has led this electorate to believe that Congress is not for them, which is probably true.

And so we come to the issue of corruption. The right wing needs an outlet to the rage at the inability of BJP to launch a proper attack on the Congress. Baba Ramdev tried to capture that space, but his pro-religious antics were never going to cut much meat with the mainly secular right wing, middle class electorate. Enter Anna Hazare, and the right wing electorate has finally found a messiah to deliver them from evil. They finally feel they have an option to partake in the decision making process, which had been taken away from them by the left and centralist leaning Congress governments. And the issue of corruption has managed to unite every right-wing voter into one under Anna Hazare, and makes them feel empowered. So this right wing electorate, in true right wing style, has made a draft believing only they can do a great job of it, and are trying to impose it on the government. Why is their version better than the government? Who says seven years imprisonment is not enough punishment? Why should ministers suffer more punishment as compared to the common man? Why shouldnot bribing be made legal? There can be many questions that can be asked from them. However, being the burning issue of corruption, which most people believe to be an illness, the movement has also found support with some of the traditional central and left-wing supporters. That it is basically a right wing movement can be made out by the fact that masses of Scheduled Castes, Muslims and many other societies have stayed away, fearing backlash.

Issue 1: Why is it bad?: Historically, whenever the right wing has emerged enmasse, it has often resulted in historical tragedies. The frenzy that is generated by such movements often prevail everything else, and creates absolute power. Moreover, right wing also means giving more power to the majority, and hence can totally alienate minority. A left wing uprising, while theoretically equally potentially damaging, has atleast equality as its basic tenet. A right wing uprising on the other hand, increases the diversity.In a country like India, this can lead to dangerous consequences. The Gujarat riots united the Hindus to vote for Modi, just like German nationalism united Germans under Hitler, and we all know how that went. I am not saying that Hazare is comparable to either of the two, but going forward, if the present movement is a success, the rejuvenated right wing can plan further uprisings, to impose their will on the government - through democratic or undemocratic means - and we never know how that will impact India. Why should a few people who are up there, and have conjured up a draft of the bill, be allowed to hold the government hostage? Who gives them the right? It is not a matter of them thinking what they are thinking is right, it has to come from the people. And the people choose the Parliament. If people like Anna Hazare and Arvind Kejriwal really want to do anything, they should take the right path and fight elections. However, they know they will lose if they stand in elections, and hence have taken unconstitutional ways to hijack the government into accepting their demands. It does not matter if their demands are right or wrong? The thing is, who are they to decide that their demands are right? This right wing tendency of always being right needs to be stopped as soon as possible, else it can have grave consequences. As mentioned earlier, India is a great country because the social fabric is holding up. With a rejuvenated right wing, if the revolution now starts, I see the fabric stopping. Hence the revolution must fail.

Issue 2: I am not against corruption. I get my Gas connection illegally, I used to drive a car when I did not have a driving licence and I drove when drunk. I save as much tax as I can, some of it unethically. I give bribe to the ticket checker when travelling on a WL ticket in train so that I can reach home earlier. I dont like standing in lines for filling up government forms and hence bribe the government official to allow me my permits. I love corruption as it makes my life easier. I am not sure we Indians are ready for a honest government as this will mean making ourselves honest. So Mr. Hazare enjoy the limelight while people forget about lying on their CVs and putting kids through schools via bribes. In short, the Indian right winger is a hypocrite, who is always ready to blame the system for his vows. And it is exactly these people who should not be at the forefront, for it will make India another Animal Farm. Hence the revolution must fail.

Long live the revolution!

Head-versus-heart

2011-06-06T21:57:00.009+05:30

You feel caught between Scylla and Charybdis,
deciding your next course of action.
It is the usual matter of head-versus-heart,
should you follow the money or your passion?

Do you want to go back into the corporate world, your heart asks you,
and the answer to the question is no, you still remember the pain.
But your book's also not going anywhere, your head reminds you,
and your financial solvency is fast approaching that of Spain.

Your head says: to be honest, you havent done much the past 13 months,
except eat, drink and enjoy life to the brink.
But it does feel so right, and you are so happy, your heart responds
There is nothing better than having free time, and a couple of drinks.

People always argue that you are whiling your time away,
that passion is overrated, and they are right.
Moreover, the couple of drinks and other good things cost money, your head says,
so this offer might seem godsend in hindsight.

But if passion does not count, what does, your heart tells you,
and you have already written some 30000 words of some crap;
You believe that you have a bestseller in the making,
and hence this offer is just a Corporate World trap.

Think about your parents, the head reminds you,
and how bad they feel about you being jobless.
You owe them a lot for the support they have given you,
Passing this offer would be a decision most useless.

But then your heart responds,
its your happiness that matters to them, as they always say.
So make your decision based on what you want to do,
and act like you want to and throw this offer away.

The head and the heart argue all night,
and still no compromise can be reached.
Do you take the offer, or tear it?
be a hypocrite, or practice as you preach?

The Plateau of Life

2011-05-22T18:26:00.012+05:30

At which point do we stop growing up? And which point do we start aging? Which point in our life are we the most alive? Is life linear, or does it follow a "life" cycle? Is there an inflection point in life? Is there an uphill point of life at which we can say, "Its all downhill from here"?

Of course, to answer these questions, we will have to answer a much more basic question and unravel one of the greatest mysteries, namely "what is life?" If we have an answer to this question, and more importantly, if we can quantify this thing called life in some way, then the problem becomes a simple mathematical problem of plotting this quantitative value of life versus time, and try and see where the graph leads us.

But how exactly do we quantify life? For that, it will be important to consider the various facets of life: namely health, wealth, personal life, social life and level of achievement - in no particular order. (Some research on this topic has been done here. However, this time we will make it much simpler, and try solving the problem qualitatively - and also add two new parameters in order to make it more comprehensive.) To make our life simple, we will just add the combined effect of these five factors and come up with a final "value" for life - In Utopian settings, the addition will be through weighted factors, but we are building a base model here.

Lets imagine a "life" versus time 2-D space. We are looking at time at different major instances in your life - and not looking at daily variations. So while a minor bad day will actually lessen your sense of achievement momentarily, or make you wonder about life in general, we are talking about extended periods of time. The time t=0 indicates the time when you are born, and it is safe to assume that at that point of time you are at the origin of the graph. As you grow up, your health and personal life parameters are the first ones to show an immediate increase. As you starts going to school, the other attributes, such as social parameters and levels of achievement (the school debate, making it into the school team) increase as well. So far, so good. Going through college, on a normal day, the social interaction, health and levels of achievement more or less keep on increasing, while there is a substantial hike in personal life if you manage to find love. Otherwise, there is a slight drop, as invariably your relations with your parents starts floundering, as you become the angry rebel, and try to make it up through an even more enhanced social life - and generally a heightened sense of achievement. After college, going for a job, you add a new attribute - wealth and it starts increasing. During the initial honeymoon period, you have a great sense of achievement - actually believing you are making a difference. The table 1 shows these effects in detail (The values given are arbitary - and are just there for understanding of the theoretical aspect).. So far, life is an increasing function with time, and hence all is well.

The Quarter-Life crisis: Now, the quarter-life crisis is such a point in the curve, where life for a small point becomes a decreasing function. After the honeymoon period in your new job is over, you need something more to have a strong sense of achievement. The small increase in wealth is often unable to compensate for the lack of sense of achievement - while there are not much changes in your personal and social life. Hence, the quarter life crisis is the first time in your life that you start questioning, "Where am I headed?"

The Way Out: Marriage or MBA. The former raises the personal life coefficient, while the latter ensures an increase in sense of achievement, and also social life coefficients. Both these factors increase your "life" value and life goes on well - you come out of the crisis. Table 2 illustrates this. Both of these solutions, however, are actually two-edged swords, as a bad marriage can totally ruin your personal life, while a bad MBA can actually remove whatever sense of achievement in life you feel.

Prime of your life: So then, everything starts moving smoothly again. You have children, your personal life is great, you earn good money, and you rediscover a sense of achievement. Your health nowhere close to what it was when you were 30, but you have the gym, and you try hard to rediscover your health. Your social life is going great as well, as you love being the centre of attraction at the various house parties that you now attend, with friends really loving your jokes. Life couldn't be better, and that is exactly when the midlife crisis hits you.

Midlife Crisis: It is not exactly a "mid"life crisis, as you are almost 40 by the time you hit this road, but it is probably the admission that the best part of your life is behind you. The midlife crisis probably starts off by a bad review at work, which makes you question your sense of achievement. Over time, as you start reviewing your life, your personal life also doesnt seem to be too good - the last time you had sex was two years ago. Your social life is also in tatters as you are too busy with your kids to think about your friends. The health is deteriorating fast, and as you pant after doing only 2 kilometers of your daily walks around your apartments, you suddenly realize you are not a teenager anymore. Your graph suddenly takes a sharp dive.

The Way Forward: Is there a way forward? Not really. Yes you are going to make more money over time, but your sense of achievement is most likely going to tumble, and your health is surely going to take you down. Your personal life will depend on your children, who will become the only source of your happiness going forward, and your social life will also decrease over a period of time, as religion starts taking over. You are basically reaching a plateau of life, and life for you has become backward looking rather than forward looking. Your dreams have been replaced by your stories. In other words, you have already lived. And are just waiting for death now. Table 3 illustrates.

The aim of life then, is to postpone the plateau of life and the mid life crisis to as late as possible - and live your life to the fullest. Which path you take to achieve this - however, is upto you. You can be a tennis player, maximising wealth and sense of achievement earlier, and then paying attention to the social and personal life attributes. In other words, live the maximum you can.

(As always, suggestions are always welcome about how to decode life.)

An Old Poem - 2004 - Just came upon it.

2011-04-27T17:28:00.007+05:30

Oh I finally got a chance to see the New York City
My brother, living there, was funding my trip with his money
But first there were the Visa hassles and the long queue
"The Photograph should be on a white background", I never knew
So when I reached the end of the line, so long
It was found that my photograph was wrong
The man at the window pushed me out as if I was a dog, and that too mad
And that man was an Indian too, and the fact made me both angry and sad

So well I decided to get a new photograph there and then and out of the embassy I go
and got an auto, whose driver told me he would solve my photogenic woe
He took me far away to a dirty Sarojini Nagar household
which served as a special studio only for people in Visa mold.
I got happy, for my photograph now was okay, the people in the embassy wanted this
but the happiness was temporary, for the photographer charged me Rs. 200 for the effort of his
I got angry, now at the auto driver for bringing me to this place
but then I realised he also must have had his commision to take from my face

He took me back to the embassy and stood in another long queue
Black, white, green and red, my skin assumed different hues
Rage, and anxiety and excitement were just some of the emotions I had
And when I reached the end of the line now, it was not so bad
The woman(another Indian) was not too polite, but atleast she wasnt so rude,
and standing there, getting permission to go inside, I felt like a real cool dude.
The "Interview" was scheduled for 9:00 a.m, and because of the troubled I had faced,
I was two hours late, and feared that I might be rejected, and so fast I paced.

Soon I was down to the final hurdle, a smart American handling my documents,
He was checking my papers, and I waited anxiously for his comments.
My papers were in order, and he asked as I remember his exact words to me,
"When do u graduate?" and as I later realised, the question was the only one he asked me
I replied May 2005,The Interview was over then, and he soon told me
"your visa shall be soon at your door, and happy may your stay in USA be"
Then started the wait for the Visa to come and a long wait it was,
but then it came after some sixty hours, and how happy I was;

Now I came to the question of which airline to fly in
And decided that whichever was the cheapest shall win
The right to take me to the "promised Land"
And finally, to decide, I took a travel agent's hand
He gave me many cheap options but all of them were already full, I was late
I again felt I had faced the terrible hand of fate,
But then an inspiration dawned upon my travel agent Saurabh Bhatia
and soon I had the return tickets to New York of AlItalia.

AlItalia is an Italian airlines, as the name might indicate
There was a stopover at Milan, and there the flight I had to vacate
The flight was late night, and I had to reach the Delhi airport hours in advance
By 11 p.m. I was there at the airport, and there read a book of romance
In some time I had finished ten pages,
waiting for the check in call, seemed like ages
Soon however I heard the check in call
and there my visa was checked thoroughly, and soon I was ushered into the waiting hall

The flight was good, I was on the window seat
Soon over Delhi I was, away from the blitsering heat
Sleeping was my favourite activity there in flight
I read some magazines and had food and alcohol, light
And as the flight progressed further ahead
we were above the clouds, a Cirrus-Columbus blend
Stopped me from seeing the sprawling cities and the vast country side
Even then it was quiet an enjoyable air ride

"Fasten your seat belts" call was later announced
And the tension and excitement on my face was pronounced
Seeing Milan from above the fashion capital of the world
I cursed myself for not having more time on hold
As soon as I stepped out of the airplane and stepped in the airbus
The first rain drops fell as if welcoming us
The rains soon changed into a cyclonic din
And there was another queue for me to stand in

After getting checked in, I found what I least expected
The airplane would be late by an hour I was very dejected
Waiting was hard, besided me was a b'ful girl; on me she beamed
So the hour passed away in a minute, this is how it seemed
I had never expected foreign flights to be late
But now that I had myself encountered this wait
I knew that even alien lands are not Utopias
And what was to follow made me think very low of Altalia.

The flight from Milan to New York was very nice,
and even though, the ticket was of the same price,
This flight offered Hand TV's for an indivivual to see
And I was happy watching movies and drinking tea.
The movies made this flight really very good
And Duplex and First Fifty Dates,improved my mood
So when I saw the New York city approaching
I was in a great mood and I was singing

But when I came to the check out counter waiting for my bag
I found out that the Alitalia administration had a lag
I found out my bag didnt come out from the Customs
The delay at Milan had upset the airlines' system
It was not only me who faced the trouble
I had lost only a single bag, others had lost double
They told us that the bags were left in Milan in the security way
"If you could give the address, we would deliver it at your door the next day."

Mahabharat 13: Lucky Arjun

2011-03-15T15:53:00.009+05:30

(Statuatory Disclaimer: Censor Rating:A).

The news of Bhima's strength made the Kauravas even more likely to avoid him. All except Duryodhana, who took it upon himself to beat him in combat. Drona was a good but biased teacher, preferring Pandavas over the Kauravas, with Arjuna being his favourite. Drona's love for Arjuna was superseded only by his adulation for his own son, Ashwathama, who also joined these classes, and himself became a good friend of the Kauravas.

Many theories abound as to why exactly Drona preferred the Pandavas over the Kauravas. The most obvious one, but one which has been crushed prominently over time, was one of sexual favours. Drona, like other men of those days, was not exactly a one-woman man, and he really liked his women. Kunti, as we have all seen, was sex-starved. It was a win-win situation for both, and Kunti further used it to her advantage by asking for a better treatment of her sons. Kripi probably knew about this relationship but kept quite about it, as those days there was no National Commission for Women to turn to. Ashwathama remained her only hope, and she secretly incited him against the Pandavas. This also explains why Ashwathama grew closer to the Kauravas, and why Kripa, the erstwhile teacher of the princes and Drona's brother in law, favoured the Kauravas a bit more. Kripa had to pay for it by a reduced role in the Mahabharat, and despite being an ex-teacher, his only other major contribution came on the last day of the Mahabharat war many years hence.

Kripa: Drona, there are certain rumours I have heard, and I want you to say that those are false.
Drona: Rumours, what rumours? Ohh, the one about Kunti and I. Yeah, even I read it in the tabloid today. I dont know where they come up with this stuff. I am planning to sue them. Will you become my lawyer and file the case? It is about time your experience with Hastinapur and its law comes to my aid.
Kripa: So you are saying there is absolutely nothing between you and Kunti? What about the tabloid claims that you have been seen coming out of her part of the palace late at night for the past whole month? And Kripi also tells me that you come home later than usual, and dont tell her where you have been.
Drona: Ohh, about that. Those are just regular Parent - Teachers meeting, and Kunti is regularly busy with all the palace stuff during the day, and I need to monitor the students during the day, so get time only in the night. As for Kripi leaving, I hope she comes back. I miss her.
Kripa: Then why dont U go and meet King Dhritrashtra for these Parent-Teachers meeting? Are not the Kauravas also your students?
Drona (angrily): Kripa, you are asking a lot of questions. I am not bound to answer you. You have made you angry, and I curse you that people will forget you and you will get only a small part to play in this story.

The start of the relationship, or the events that lead to it atleast, are mentioned in the Ved Vyas version. The princes had just started their training under Drona, and he decided to test the princes by having an archery contest. All princes were expected to shoot the eye of a bird sitting on a branch of a tree. The boys were lined aged wise, which meant that Yudhistra led them, followed by Bhima, Duryodhana,Yuyutsu,Dushasana and the other 98 Kauravas, Arjuna, Nukul and Sahadeva.

Turn by turn, all of them readied to take aim, and Drona asked them: "What do you see?" And all of them stupidly replied, "I see the tree, the leaves, the bird and the bird's eye", hearing which Drona would prohibit them from taking aim.

By the time Arjuna's turn came, 104 princes had already given the exact same answer and prohibited from taking aim. It does not say much for Kauravas intelligence that they did not figure it out, but they had learnt just one thing all their lives: to follow Duryodhana, and so they just repeated what he had said. Arjuna, however was smart enough to understand there was something wrong with the standard reply, and so when Drona asked him the same, oft-repeated question, Arjuna smartly replied, "I see only the bird's eye." Drona was very happy to hear it, and told him to shoot, and Arjuna shot the bird's eye, making him an instant favourite of Drona.
Poor Nakula and Sahadeva did not get a chance, as the bird was already killed. Just one of the many cases of the exploitation of the sons of Madri by the sons of Kunti.

Arjuna became Drona's favourite, and this love was only increased further when Drona was rescued by Arjuna shooting and killing a crocodile who was carrying Drona away, while the students and teachers were playing in the Ganga.

And then came that day, when it all started.

One night, Arjuna was having supper with his brothers when the electricity went. It was a condition not often seen in the palace, which was immune to power cuts, but the main power plant had to be suddenly shut down because of a fire threat, and the lights were shut off. Even in the dark, the Pandavas continued eating, which gave Arjuna an idea. (Well, actually only Bhima continued eating, the others, as it turned out, were busy slapping each other, and trying to blame the rest. It was a game that Arjuna himself started by slapping Yudishtra, and blaming it on the poor Nakula. Noone ever dared involve Bhima, and seeing the dedication of Bhima eating, Arjuna got his idea. An idea that was to change his life).

Now this is nowhere as revolutionary a thought as the one Newton got when the apple fell from the tree, but you can argue as to why others did not get the idea? As it happened, Arjuna thought that if he could eat supper in darkness, why could he not practice archery in the dark too. And so he left his food, and picking up his bow and arrow, started practicing on the archery range.

Kunti saw him get away and went after him, for he had not yet finished his food. You know how mothers are! So she went after her and kept shouting Arjuna, Arjuna, who, fuelled by his infinite desire to learn, did not heed her.

The reader might be interested in learning what Kunti was wearing at that time. It being almost bedtime, and the public appearance being over, Kunti had removed her white saree, which was a symbol of her being a widow, and had slipped into a comfortable white, a bit transparent nighty. She was an exhibitionist, Kunti was in her heart, and her figure was fully exposed in it. This being the middle of the Indian Summer season, her top two buttons were open to expose a pretty huge cleavage. Despite years of acting like a widow, Kunti had taken good care of her figure, and it was in full show in the nighty. Her mounds good give a good run to Pamela Anderson during her Baywatch days. No man had ever seen her in this figure hugging dress so far except her young sons, but now she ran off after Arjuna, hardly caring about her clothes - or lack of them.

Drona was just finishing off his desk work - he was writing a progress report on each student when the lights went off, and he was just closing up and was readying to go home, when he heard the twinge of an arrow. Curious as to who it might be, he made it to the archery ground, and saw Arjuna practicing in the dark. He was avowed by his dedication, and was about to go to him, when he heard Kunti shouting for Arjuna, and suddenly realized what many men had realized about Kunti: "She is so hot." She looked ravishing, Kunti did, and when she turned to face him, Drona suddenly realized something.

He realized that he was only in his dhoti, and he could feel the blood circulation to his crotch increase, and that his erection was evidently visible. He looked towards Kunti, who had stopped watching Arjuna, and was eyeing him with seductive eyes, and both knew what they wanted.

An hour later, Drona was coming out of the palace with an afterglow. Kunti had sex after a really long time, Drona had managed to get the best lay in town, while Kunti had made Drona promise that Arjuna would become the greatest archer ever, Bhima the best mace wielder, Yudhistra the best spear fighter, while Nukula and Sahadeva would excel in sword fight.

However, the promise to Kunti was never really fulfilled by Drona. For over the next years, two better archers were to appear and rattle Arjuna - Karna and Eklavya, the greatest warriors of the Mahabharat.

The pursuit of happiness

2011-02-14T19:47:00.002+05:30

It has been seven months. Seven months and five days, to be exact. July 9th to February 14th. Yeah, today is St. Valentine's day - the Lover's day or the loser's day, depending on whose side you are on. It has been seven months and five days since I quit the corporate world.

"Why did you quit?" and "What would you do next" were questions to which I had no definite answers at that particular point of time. I have produced a lot of flak over the first questions, such as "I hated the work-life imbalance", "I did not like the work" or "The company was shifting to operational consulting, something I was not very comfortable with." The truth, while encompassing each of the above three elements has been that despite putting in much more effort than I am accustomed to, I was not getting the results on a personal level. Here is a sample of what I mean:

(Characters: I, and two senior consultants (S1 and S2). Time: Saturday 10 am, in one of the small meeting rooms in our office, even though it is supposedly a 5 day week.).

I: Why are we even here today? (whisper, I have a bad hangover).
S1: To DISCUSS the recommendations we will make to client.
S2: It is very important to DISCUSS these.
I: Did you go through the recommendations pack I made and sent you. I was in the office till 10 last night, making the pack, and all the recommendations are listed there. You can now see which ones to incorporate. Why am I needed? I need to catch up with an old friend, who has just landed in Delhi from Switzerland, and will be here only till 1p.m. It has been six years since I have met him.
S2: We all need to DISCUSS. It is very important for all of us to DISCUSS. All of us need to be present. Without DISCUSSING, we will not be in the same wavelength.
S1: I think we need to go step by step in our recommendations. Zubin, you project the recommendations presentation on the screen, and let us go through it.
I: Yes, S1,S2, our first recommendation is .....
(And I make them go through the recommendations I had made the previous night. I take 10 minutes explaining the entire set of recommendations after which the discussions begin, usually between S1 and S2, while I am generally quiet and angry. The discussions include an half an hour of discussion on whether the designations be written in capital or small letters. It goes on till 10 p.m., and it is a Saturday).
The end result is a "revised" version of the document I made the previous night, with only a few cosmetic changes. No recommendations are dropped, while no new recommendations are added. And this took 12 hours. At the end of which, I showed my irritation by whispering something like " Fuck!! You wasted an entire Saturday", which I guess someone of those two heard.)

Now, the following conversation is something that I only suspected happened. I am pretty sure this is how it went based on the feedback I got - about being insincere and non-hardworking. This, when for the past two years and two months, I had spent, on an average, 60 hours a week in that fucking office.

Characters: S1 and S2, Manager (M) and Partner (P).

S1: Sir, we have come up with a list of recommendations.
S2: Yes, sir the DISCUSSIONS helped us to come to a consensus on the results.
P: Wow, great recommendations! This is impressive. Who did this?
S2 and S1: Sir, we discussed it among ourselves, working all through Saturday.
M: These two work very hard, sir.
P: Cool, I will make the two of you managers. And you, M, will become a senior manager. Was there anyone else on the project.
M: I think there was a consultant, but I forget his name.
S1, S2: Ohh, it was Zubin, but he has a horrible attitude. He shirks away from work. He has plenty of potential, but he doesnt use it. If we were not there to guide him, this work would never have been done.
P: So its decided, promotion to S1, S2 and M. Give Zubin the lowest rating possible, but call it the average rating. And we will loan him to another team and make them send him to some plant. I dont think I like his face.

And I lived a two years and two months with that shit. For someone used to high Return on Investment philosophy, the no returns after investment was not something I was ready to live with.
So, ladies and gentlemen, was why I quit.

"What will you do next?" was a question I had no answer to. So I just told people, "I will write." And so started writing, but it certainly has not been a smooth sailing so far. Most times I think about what to write, and even when I have it all figured out, I cut the script a number of times, and hence, after seven months, I have just 30000 odd words to show. And a story that is not going anywhere.

I have not traveled much these past seven months, and the month long trip to China and Singapore discounted, the only trips I have made are the three trips to home. It has not even been a dazed seven months, and I have cut down a bit on alcohol too. Have played a bit of tennis, and made some new people.

However, this time has been, both literally and figuratively, a blast. I have had a great time doing nothing, and I feel I have become a much happier person. Moreover, my hair has blackened and I have had the time of my life. I dont have to suck up to someone, I can do my own thing, and my finances are hanging up pretty fine so far. All in all, its been a good life so far, and I would not trade it for a corporate slave anytime.

That being said, my finances are going bad slowly, and I recently did interview for a position with a company known for its good work-life balance. However, the first question I had to answer was, "What was your GPA in IIT and IIM?" And that kind of sort of set the tone for the rest of the interview, and it re-emphasised what I had known all the time - that the corporate world sucks. You are being pulled down for your weakest points than being appreciated for your strengths. And which is why, not being in the job with someone to suck to, has made me so much happy.

And you might say that this is the sour grapes fuck up, as people will probably do, but I am actually happy. HAPPY and more importantly, satisfied. And the interview fuckup probably happened to prove a point to me - Never trade happiness for anything else. :).

To quote Will Smith from a Pursuit of Happiness, "This period of my life, this little period, is what I call happiness."

The Drinking Conundrum

2010-12-20T13:34:00.006+05:30

You are at a party. There is this hot girl you want to talk to. Actually, there are many hot girls at the party, and you wish to talk to any of them - but this girl is the one who has especially caught your eye today. However, for all your strengths, you are rather shy when it comes to talking to girls. For, while you have full faith in your IQ and intellect, this is not the first things that girls notice about you. For, the thing that stands out about you is your pretty impressive paunch. You like to call it the family pack, but that is a joke no one else really appreciates - especially not the hot chicks, like the one you have your eyes on.

You are also not helped by the presence of a number of hunks in the party, the more than six feet tall monsters, and while there seem to be an almost equal ratio of the two sexes - a situation you are not really used to, having studied in institutes where the female-per-male ratio ranged from 0 to 0.1, and having gone to work in offices where while the overall ratio was much higher at 0.5, when it came to your team, it was back to the familiar levels of 0-0.1 range - you know no girl will even notice you while those hunks are there. And you cannot help but wonder about challenging these guys to a game of Scrabble or Chess, and humiliating them and their measly minds. Just like they humiliate your physicality by being there. Also, you cannot help wondering about how unfair life is. You know any time you approach any girl, you will get rejected, and its the fear of rejection which stops you from doing anything. Which is why, this being a free booze party - may God grant a long life to your DU-educated cousin, and may your relations remain ever cordial, and may he continue inviting you to these awesome birthday parties with hot chicks, you pray to the almighty - you turn towards the booze and start staring at the target of your affection, who is being wooed by one of these monsters. And all you can do is drown one drink after the other. Which is good in a way, because the booze is rather limited, and you want to make hay, while the sun shines. Not only do you have drink after drink, in anticipation of the party Armageddon, you have Patiala pegs after Patiala pegs.

Now these large Patiala pegs have two immediate effects : a) It increases your courage, and drowns your rejection fears, b) It makes you more capable of irregular rambling, and your talks becomes less and less intelligent. There is a third, long term effect - which you will notice only the other day - is the loss of memory.

So now, as you might have guessed, your courage and your perceived intelligence are functions of the amount of alcohol in the blood. While your courage is an increasing function, the intelligence of your talking is a decreasing function. This is depicted in the graph below.

The graph makes it clear that there is a very specific number of drinks (depends on person to person), when it is safe to approach the girl. The moment you get the courage is when you should approach her. That is the only time you might be able to impress her with your intelligent talk. The moment you overdo the drinking part though, you have the necessary courage but you lose out on the intelligent bit - and as a result, your only window of opportunity.

Now the drinking conundrum is this. What if you are never able to reach the requisite number of drinks. What if your graph looks like this?

Because you wasted your chance on other girl last night, after rambling to her something you don't even remember. You remember talking and talking, and generally not making sense. As always. This is the 30th girl you have talked to in the year.
The drinking conundrum is killing you. You need a way out, but is there an exit? Or is it all for the best, and should you give in to the fangs of arranged marriage, that have already engulfed so many of your friends?

Questions, to which you have no answers. Even with your super-high IQ.

Or maybe it is high time to hit the gym.

The Ghost's Diary

2010-10-17T17:18:00.005+05:30

(I don't normally write about movies and plays, and their reviews, and my technical understanding of theater is minimal, to say the least. I do not understand the finer technicalities of the music or lighting, for example, and am unable to appreciate them fully as well. However, I really loved the Ghost Diary for the story, and how it has been brought upon the stage, and this is what is mentioned here. That is not to take the appreciation away from the production, direction and the music and lighting effects of the play)

At the end of the play, while the actors are preparing to take the bow, Deepak Dhamija, the writer, producer, director of the Ghost's Diary, says, "We still have not figured out whether it was a comedy or a tragedy." An apt comment, for the Ghost's Diary makes you laugh, and is refreshingly witty at times, but when it all ends, you are left feeling with the kind of sad feeling that the end of Jaane bhi do Yaaron left you with. Like the aforementioned film, the play can be best termed as a satire - on human life, and the endless rat race that you and me are a part of.

The play is essentially a monologue of the main actor and his obsession with writing a tragedy. The days of the great tragedy are gone, and he wants to make people cry through his writing. The action unfolds as the protagonist takes us through the various events in his life, which he captures in his diary. Through it you know about his troubled relation with his parents and teachers, the failed first crush and his generally "tragic" life.

The three actors, who portray the protagonist in various phases of life, do a really commendable job. The naughty schoolboy has been portrayed rather brilliantly by Tushar Sharma, while the college going, angry Puneet Khokhar is pretty awesome too. However, it is the middle aged, Manpreet Vora who is the star of the show and has the best dialogues, including a two minute monologue where he portrays God. And yeah, there is a clown, portrayed by Ali, who represents the "comedy" part of the play, an anti-thesis to the "tragedy" of the antagonist.

The protagonist is obsessed with tragedy, and after reading Anne Franks' Diary of a Young Girl, becomes convinced that his whole life is like a concentration camp - with his parents and teachers being the Nazis. So like Anne Frank, he plans to live out the tragedy and write it all down. Over time, however, as he sees the love his parents have for him, he realizes his life is not so bad. And so, his initial attempts at publishing a tragic diary fails. His father wants him to become a doctor, and he has the potential to become one, but all he wants is to write a tragedy.

The story of Ghost's Diary could well be the story of you and I - a person trying to fit into the world, but being unable to do so. Not because he is handicapped or poor or mentally retarded, but just because he does not want to. He does not want to be the best, and his approach to life is made clear when he says, "I just want to live life". He believes he lives his life to the maximum and says, in order to live, "I will beg or borrow or steal". But he is averse to doing any work, because well, work is work. Work is not life. He just wants to write a tragedy.

And then he decides the way to write a play - a tragic play, one that will bring the essence of the Antigone and the Hamlet back. He is sure the play will make people cry and that people will love to cry, despite being told by his friend Poo - who calls him once in a while - that people nowadays do not care for tragedies as their own lives are tragic enough. The various theater groups also fail to appreciate a tragedy and

The play that he writes is almost his own story - about a talented guy who doesnt want to make use of his talents. He feels unfit to live in the new world, obsessed with money and success. He does not do it, not because he cannot, but because he does not care. His tragedy is not being able to fit into the world, and do a job that other people think normal. Is it normal doing something you do not like - for money? He compares work, all useless, corporate work to prostitution, and chides the world through it. It is a tragedy of our generation, which is so lost in money and success, that they have lost their own selves.

The play that he writes, however, only brings smile to the audiences. They fail to recognize the tragedy of the world. The play fails as a tragedy, and our protagonist fails in his attempt. Which prompts his first suicide attempt, which also fails. And his second play, about God and Satan, which shocks people so much that he is attacked and injured. And then his second suicide attempt, which as much as the rest of his life, also fails.

However, over time he is brought up by his relatives and friends to live a normal life. And he does, which is probably the biggest tragedy.

Ghost's Diary counters you with a lot of questions that have troubled me - What is the meaning of life? Is there a God, and if there is, what is he doing above? Is it really normal to easily become a slave of the evil corporate empire?

And perhaps, the biggest question of them all, what is a tragedy and a comedy? Is it not just a point of view? One man's meat is another man's poison, they say, and hence maybe there are no clear tragedies - or comedies. We root for the hero because the story is told through his perspective. Was Romeo and Juliet a tragedy or a stupid romantic comedy? Was Hamlet, for that matter, a tragedy, or just Shakespeare's comic satire on a feuding family? Will Mahabharat or Ramayana be different seen from the perspective of Duryodhana?

Ghost's Diary does not give you any answers - but the play will definitely force you to think and find your own answers. Not many works of art do that, and hence this play is highly recommended. And when you do, do let me also know, whether the play was a comedy or a tragedy. For like the much acclaimed writer-producer-director, I am also confused.

The filter theory of relationships

2010-10-12T02:31:00.001+05:30

(The last post was officially the most commented one on this blog. It beat the previous comment total of 50, set by a controversial post condemning the newly set Training and Placement Department in IIT Delhi, back in 2005 by a whole 3 comments. This last post, on the other hand, condemned nothing. Except for the small matter of the presence of God. So the lesson is learned. Controversy does not always sell. Thanks everyone :D. I had prepared a speech to thank everyone for crossing the 50 comment mark barrier for the first time in the blog, but I have lost it somewhere during my many bus trips to Dharamshala, Shimla and Chandigarh. So well. A simple thank you will have to suffice for now.)

Which brings me to the main point of this particular post. The filter theory of relationships. (Suggested previous reading: The 2-d ZSV Matrix). Now, just about an year ago - in December last year in fact - I had written about the XYZ theory of love, relationship and commitment/ here.. Using this argument, I had proposed that arranged marriages are actually unnatural and hence more liable to fail, especially in today's modern world. A consultant, or an ex-consultant, must however challenge his own thoughts. Ten months older, and wiser, I challenge the widely appreciated theory - and present the filter theory to prove why arranged marriages are the way forward.

The filter theory is simple, and while it uses basic mathematics, the nitty gritty details are not too tough to understand. Moreover, the filter theory is also pretty consistent with my seminal work - the 2-d ZSV theory. Infact, the filter theory is like a prequel to the ZSV theory. The theory explains why there is attraction among guys and girls and how do the relations x=0, y=0 change ("Nahin doongi aur nahin loonga") to x=1, y=1 state. ("Degi to Le loonga").

You know, there are different filters which a guy is looking to meet in a prospective partner. And a gal too. These filters include (among others) external attributes like height, beauty, weight, figure, dressing style, dental hygiene, overall hotness and others. (For example, a guy might say my prospective partner should be 5'4" to 5'6" tall, should be good looking, be thin, not very hot, and is equally comfortable in Western and Oriental outfits.) Moreover, there are certain basic filters - which may or may not hold - like country, state, religion, caste etc. (Is she Punjabi?) Similarly, there are professional filters, like educational qualifications, comfort in languages etc, knowledge about the world etc. (Can she speak enough English to interact with my fairly numerous South Indian friends?) Then there is the important cultural capital filter, about book choices, movies, music etc. (Does she like Star Wars?) There might be individual filters like interests in sports and travel. (Does she play and watch sports?)There are filters of social behavior, like smoking/drinking, behavior with friends and family, sense of humor, piety and stuff. (Is she too religious?) Then there are internal characteristics, your character, thoughts on various things and general "compatibility". (Will she take good care of my parents?)

Now well, when you meet a girl, you see of her as a prospective partner if she passes your external attributes parameter - which is the first point of attraction. Over time, as she reveals more of herself to you (stop thinking dirty, you losers!), you pass her through your filters, and see if she matches on those levels. Ofcourse, you are always ready to make allowances in some minor filters = for example, the Star Wars might not be a big deal for some, and for others being Punjabi is not a criteria. But the girl must pass through the other important filters, such as the compatibility filter.

However, while you are judging the girl on these parameters, you yourself are being judged. The girl is also judging you on various parameters, such as smartness, hotness, intelligence, knowledge, money and blah blah blah. Am not really sure what all filters girls use, but the thing is they also use filters to evaluate you, which you might pass, but more often than not, you will fail.

This theory, then gives rise to two distinct problems. According to the filter theory, to choose a perspective partner, you need to meet girls, find out about them, and see if they pass the filter. The first problem, then, is meeting girls and having a suitable sample set to choose girls. Having studied in places of academic excellence (and consequently a low girls:boys ratio), and being pretty much a geek in school (which had some very hot girls, I will admit), the only place where people like you and I can meet girls now is at various parties. But most girls you meet at parties are committed, and even if they are single, it just does not come naturally to us. The talking to them part, and taking their phone number and going ahead on a date, thing, that is. It is tough. Really tough. Even after reading the Game, and watching all the televised episodes of HIMYM, I am sorry to say it, Barney, but I suck at it. And I am sure so do most of you. And this is just the smaller problem.

The second, and the major problem, then is for girls who pass your matrix, you should also pass their matrix for a relationship to start. For her to go from x=0 to x=1 ("Nahin doongi se doongi), you need to pass her filter. That, dear friends, in today's times and age, is not easy. Girls who are most likely to pass your filter require you to be smart, intelligent, rich, handsome, neat and tidy, socially acceptable, humorous, sporty and what not. Which, as my single status testifies, I am unable to match.

So, you have these two seemingly unsolvable problems and are confined to a lifelong single status, right? Thankfully the answer is no. Like Aishwarya Rai in the shampoo commercial, its one solution to two (oops: the Ash ad had five problems, but I will keep the line anyway) problems. And the solution is: arranged marriage.

Imagine meeting a good looking girl in a party/bar, who passes your external attributes filter. Now, the problem no.1 manifests itself. How do you approach her? The question is so difficult, that by the time you come up with an answer, either she has left, or you are drunk beyond any level of comprehensible conversation. Hence, most often than not you just wonder what if, and that is that. However, in arranged marriages, you can approach any number of girls through the right appropriate route. Arranged marriage then helps you increase your sample size. Problem No. 1 solved.

The other advantage of an arranged marriage is that because it is a traditional way, the male half still dominates. In an arranged marriage arrangement then, the girl's filter is superimposed by her parents'. The parents filter is simple, well educated, rich and socially adequate, and potential to earn money. Smartness, cleanliness, and external attributes are not something they pay much attention to. And voila! that is something you and I are easily able to clear - the parent's filter that is. You have finally been able to crack the filter, and are ready to be in a relationship. Problem No. 2 solved.

However, some ignorant people, like this friend I was chatting to last night, believes that there are no girls who can crack the filter available in arranged marriage - His belief is all good girls are taken. I strongly disagree. I have seen my friends get into both love marriage and arranged marriage, and by that sample space, and using only the external attributes filter, I will say arranged marriages rock!!

Epilogue: As always, the filter theory is a work in progress. I am working on a mathematical model to explain this as well for better quantification. Please leave your comments and counter-arguments.

Angelic Verses: My conversations with God - IV

2010-09-21T04:50:00.000+05:30

So yeah there was no Angelina. I suppose everyone had got it by now. There was no other angel also, and I had no conversation with God. Because, quite simply, there is no God. The world runs as the world runs. I refuse to accept an idea of God that will try to test our belief in him as much as I refuse to accept an idea of God that allows various earthquakes and volcanoes and tsunamis and floods to create destruction on the earth.
God had to be invented in order to give people something to fear. It was basically a way to keep people from going awry, by scaring them about a higher power. The reason was, that the fear of God will prevent people from acting too selfish and stop them from sinning and a life of crime - and all religions seek to attain this.
The other reason for religion is that it gives people hope - which is the most important of things. The reason to live this stupid life, which always promises you a lot but always falls short of expectation. The hope that there is something else which awaits at the end, and which will give our life a meaning. Anything you do over a course of your lifetime - topping that exam, sitting in a limousine, partying like a wild party animal - often turns surreal over a period of time, and people desire change. But often in life, it is not that easy to change. You are stuck in your job way longer than the honeymoon period. This is where religion comes into place, and makes people believe that if they do a,b,c and d in life, as all normal people do, they will have something promised in the afterlife - either heaven or Moksha or Nirvana. Because otherwise people will just feel depressed, and maybe kill themselves or turn suicidal and stuff.
Which means religion is just an addiction - just like a drug or whisky. It makes people believe in stuff they do not see, and gives them a reason to feel happy about themselves, the same effects induced by alcohol, or more commonly, by drugs. Talking of which, yeah, Angelina was an hallucination.
I used her following the JK Lakshmi Cement Ad motto - catch attention, deliver message. The first 21/2 posts of this series were to catch the attention of the reader, and hence featured sex - as Neha Dhupia says, only SRK and sex sell in India, and I am not too sure about SRK - and the last half post was the actual message. But no one really got it, the message of life, universe and everything.
The message being there is no meaning to life. All those trying to find one are just fooling themselves. We are here because of a scientific pool and are like a simulation. There are infinite other universes in which our Earth does not contain life. We are here because we are, and we are not special. That might depress you, for a while, but it might also give you happiness. For you are no longer addicted. To any fucking religion and following it. No dhams or prayers can help you. For you need no help. Nothing really matters. So you might as well be happy than being sad about the truth.
The best we can do in such a scenario is to actually do what we want to do. Because when you think about it, religion stops you from having fun. That is the bottom line. So have as much fun as you like, for you are not going to be judged. Not in your afterlife anyway. But because you are going to be judged by other people around, you might as well do something for the benefit of others. For there is no greater satisfaction, and happiness than in making others happy. And that is the basis of my religion. Be happy, make others happy, and enjoy.

Angelic Verses: My Conversations with God - III

2010-08-26T11:33:00.004+05:30

"It was the sex of the century. Definitely. Maybe the best sex ever. It was better than what Michael Douglas and Sharon Stone did in Basic Instinct." I said, exhausted from my first passionate love making session with Gabriella. The best thing was, I wanted more. Gabriella was all that I had imagined in my dreams and more. "I can do anything, anything at all, to do that again." I told her, kissing her on her lips. Oh, what perfect lips, I wondered. Everything about her was perfect. She kissed me back, and suddenly said, "Yes it was. The best ever....Anything! Are you sure."
I said, "Yes, anything." And she said, smiling, "you have to be the prophet. To tell the truth to the people."
And I said, "But, Gabriella, you do not understand, this truth does nothing. We are better off not knowing the truth. The truth will make our lives more miserable. There will remain no purpose to live. All faith on God will be lifted."
She suddenly made a sad face, got up from the bed, frowned at me and said, "If you want any more of this, you will have to do as I say, and I speak directly what God wants."
I went near her, and tried to kiss her, but she got back. I was falling badly in love with her, and I said, "okay, I will do anything you say. Anything. But tell me how do you go about becoming a prophet? I have no more money left, will it not be better off for your prophet to be someone rich, whom people will follow. "
Gabriella suddenly smiled at me, the same seductive smile she had flashed at me earlier, but she said, "First of all, you need to make the people know of what I have told you: The true answer to the mystery of the world. Publish it on the blog. And let people read."
But I said, "I will be swarmed with hate mails of people blaming me of blasphemy. And what not. And somehow this thing just does not make sense. Why would God want us to know the truth. I mean a lot of people will just stop caring about doing good. It will be anarchy"
Gabriella: "The really good people won't really mind. Even now we have a few sour grapes here, those who do bad deeds despite threats of retribution. God has made an organizational change based on the recommendations of the real Mckinsey and Company, which recommended an open door policy. Their report after a three month study of Earth showed that the people will work better towards God's ultimate will if they knew where really the Earth was headed. And if he used more female staff - but that is another story."
Me: "But, I don't think it is a good idea. And the way you want me to explain this concept is using Age of Empires analogy. Why is that?"
Gabriella: "Jesus and Mohammad were not the only prophets. There have been many such people who have worked behind the scenes. The creator of Microsoft Age of Empires was one such person who was visited by an angel and told to simulate a civilization making scenario so that people get used to the idea, and when the prophet arrives, it is not a huge cultural shock."
Me: "Did you go to him too? Did you?"
Gabriella: "Now, now are you jealous. No I did not. You are the first human who has seen me."
Me: "And Karl Marx, was he also a prophet?"
Gabriella: "I knew you were intelligent enough to figure it out. I mean, you will need a socialist society to achieve what God wants, right! Hence he was told to dream of a classless society, where everyone will work for the state."
Me: "But socialism as we have seen has been a failure. The people of Earth have stopped accepting socialism as a way of living."
Gabriella: "Exactly, but that was because it was told upon by a human. And it was not exactly interpreted rightly by Lenin and Stalin, who grew too ambitious for their own good. Hence, we need a prophet, to lead people to the right path."
Me: "I don't think a lifetime will be long enough to make people see the reason. I am sorry to say, but this is doomed to failure."
Gabriella: "You ignore the voice of God part. People accepted Christianity and Islam despite initial reservations. Why? Not because of Easter or the capture of Mecca, but because they spoke to God. And so will you. Remember you want these more than anything else", as she let the bed sheet slip off her body.
Me: "Yes, I do. Oh my god, you are so beautiful. Okay I will do it."
And I did. So fellow earthings, here is the truth I was told by Gabriella to popularise:
"Our Earth is a simulation. Created by God, in competition with other Gods, who retrospectively, are devils for us. The other Gods have also created their own earths in their own separate universes. Just like in Age of Empires, we are unable to see the other Earths before a certain point of time, and a certain advancement of the race. The aim of each being on this planet is to make Earth more progressive and better. Everyone needs to do their bit, or Earth will be like a weak civilization which is overrun by the enemy. There is no retribution, however, if you do not do your duty. Just like Age of Empires, God faces several constraints in the simulation, and he makes random decisions based on the available data. Which explains why some people live till 100, while others die very young. The dying act happens because when cells grow old they fail to contribute, and God wants more new cells to think in the positive direction for the objective. It is all random. God expects you to do your duty, but if you lie somewhere idle, there is nothing God can do. The final state that God wants you to reach is the creation of collective body, where there are no final divisions. No discrimination on any basis. One for all, and all for one. Hope it is not too difficult." (To be continued)...

Angelic Verses: My Conversations with God - II

2010-08-18T18:44:00.000+05:30

As always, the cook came at 8 that day, and when he was about to leave after leaving the two bottles of water in the fridge, I asked him to cook food. For that is what Gabriella had told me. To eat normal food she had said. So I asked him to make three chapatis, a bowl of rice, mattar-paneer and scrambled eggs. The cook was surprised and a bit angry, for I suspect, the quick one minute job at my place (replacing my water bottles), had allowed him to take another cooking job. My new state, then, meant loss of revenue for him. He tried to reason with me, "But, bhaiya are you not only on water diet? Should you stop yet? There is definitely still scope for you to get thinner." This angered me, and rudely I told him to do what he was being told, which made me feel guilty. But he soon apologised, and so did I, and I ate the best dinner ever.
I was sure the Gabriella thing was a dream. There are no angels, I told myself, and that I, a prophet - the thought itself was laughable. I tried to imagine me living a life like Jesus lived, turning water to wine, or the one like Mohammad with 12 wives. I will manage with 4, and turning water to wine would be a great power to have, I thought, grinning wickedly. And then I went to sleep thinking of Gabriella. She did seem so real, though, I was sure.
But when I did not dream anything, or anything I could remember anyways, that night I just thought maybe the entire thing was real. And so I just started preparing for Gabriella to come, as she had said, at 6 the next day. So well I just decided to read through wikipedia of what prophet actually meant, and then started reading The Game. Devouring it actually. If I had to have any chance with Gabriella, I needed to know every trick in the book. And who had better tricks than The Game? I know, you guys might be thinking, "this guy is sick", but believe me, had you seen Gabriella, you would not have thought about anything else as well. Except the part about being the Prophet. I was sure the Gods had made a mistake, but I was not too keen to rectify it, as it meant I could meet Gabriella. And probably hit off with her.
The wait till 6 p.m. was tough, and by that time, I had already mastered a card trick to show Gabriella and impressing her.
And then suddenly I heard, from the kitchen, "How are we doing today?". Ah, the sweetest voice ever! And I said, with confidence, "Hi Gabriella! How are you doing?" in my best Joey Trabianni imitation. She didn't look too impressed with it though, and asked me, "Are you ready for the truth?"
Me: "Is there an absolute truth?"
She: "Well that is interesting - there is not. But this is a truth - and as absolute as any."
Me: "I already know the truth. The truth that Gabriel preached. Everyone knows it. About how there is heaven and hell, how if you are good, you go to heaven, and if you are evil, you go to hell. All religions more or less say the same. By the way, Gabriella, do you realise I am a Hindu? My religion does not believe in Angels. We believe in Karma, which come to think of it, is the same as what Christianity and Islam preach. Even Buddhism preaches similar things, about how through right meditation you can achieve Nirvana. I wonder then why do people fight over religion then, it is pretty useless, is it not?" (The Game believes that girls are impressed by your knowledge, and the compassion in the end is the clincher.).
She: "No no. I mean you are right about all religions being similar and stuff. But God screwed up. A bit. And hence we need a new prophet to rectify."
Me: "Screwed up? How? You mean there are no heaven and hell, and that all religions are wrong. Is there no judgment?"
She: "Well yes, sort of. You know, God thought a carrot and stick policy would be a good way to let people work according to his plan. So he first sent Krishna to India - he was an angel, too, who delivered the Bhagwat Gita, which introduced the concept of soul. And then there was Buddha, who was an angel who stayed here for a long time, delivering the concept of Nirvana. And then as you know, Gabriel came in. But God just let you know what he wanted you to know. And that is not the truth. Not the entire truth anyways. And you, Zubin, are going to tell them the real truth. It is not going to be what you want to hear, but it is going to be the truth. So tell me, are you ready?"
Me: "Geez! That is kind of scary. So you want me to go out and tell the world that whatever religion they have been following is based on a lie? And that there are no heaven and hell. This is going to be tough, Gabriella, and I am not too sure I am ready to do it. And why this sudden change of heart from God?"
She: "Well we had new HR policies introduced up above. One which says it is always good to be honest with your employees. So God has decided that He will be truthful with his people. And you have been chosen his agent for change, by a lucky draw. Moreover, the carrot and stick policy has gone so wrong. Noone wants to be good anymore. Everyone wants things in this life. And the only people who believe in God nowadays, and the kingdom of heaven, are the terrorists with their 72 virgins promised - which, as even you might have guessed, is a big hoax. God definitely does not want this. And do you not want to know the truth of life, the universe and everything. The truth is..."
And she told me. Which I had suspected, in a way, but hearing it from Gabriella, just gave it much more worth. But I still was not too sure it was such a good idea preaching the truth to people.
Me: "Gabriella! You know why people follow a religion? It is because it gives them hope? Religion gives hope to my parents, for example. I do not think it is a nice idea to tell them the truth whatever it is. I wont do this. I am sorry, I just do not think the world is ready for this."
She: "Well I have my orders to persuade you in whatever way. And will this help" and she came near me and kissed me.
Me: "I think you just persuaded me a bit." And as we kissed, her robe came off.
And I agreed to be a prophet. After some hours of persuasion.

Angelic Verses: My Conversations with God - I

2010-08-10T12:13:00.007+05:30

It was the 40th day of my diet. Except that it was not actually diet. I had been drinking only water in an effort to control my weight, which had been out of control over the past few months. I had put on 40 kgs over the past six months, doing nothing but eating junk food and sitting on the couch devouring the sports, movies and music channels following my decision to take a sabbatical. And cut off all contact with the outside world except for my grocery shop and my ICICI bank account. I had changed houses immediately, got my phone number changed and got into a mega TV watching mode. And reading too. I had not seen any person over those months except my maid and the cook, who also delivered the grocery. The decision was taken in a particularly depressive mood after I had been dumped yet again - by the same girl for the sixth time - and while the depression had lasted only a month, the extra weight made me stay inside for fear of looking ridiculous. Which I am sure I did when I had those extra 40 kgs.
When my weighing machine broke while I stood on it, I finally woke to the state I was in. I knew I had to lose it all, if I had to go back to normal life. Hence, the crash measure. I drank only water all day, and nothing else. No fruits, no juices, no carbohydrates. And finally the results were beginning to show. I had lost the weight I had put on and more over the 40-day period, and was ready to take on the world. Looking thinner than ever before. And with a Jesus like beard.
Which is when I heard it. The voice seemed to come from the kitchen of my one bedroom flat where I had been hibernating for the past seven months. It was around 6 in the evening and I was alone, as I often was at that time. The maid and the cook were there for around 2 hours between them in the morning, and the cook didn't come back before 8 in the evening. Although now he was the water delivery guy.
"Hi Zubin. How are we doing?"
Those were the first words, of English anyways, I had heard spoken to me over the past seven months. I wondered who could it be. The funny thing was that the voice sounded feminine. And familiar. How many women did I know, I wondered? I could count only till 3, before I went to the kitchen, and saw her. The first word that came out of my mouth was WOW. She was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. I mean if you were to combine the best attributes of Angelina Jolie, Megan Fox, Katrina Kaif, Jeniffer Lopez,Priyanka Chopra, Aishwarya Rai and Drew Barrymore, you had still not be anywhere near the beauty I saw. She was tall, had green eyes, black hair, and a skin and body that are indescribable. The voice sounded like Priyanka Chopra I decided. Only that it was better. And she was standing in my kitchen. Wearing a long white robe. The only sad thing, I thought, was that the robe was not transparent.
After gawking her for what seemed like a second, but must have been an hour, I finally asked, "Who are you? And what are you doing here? How did you come in". And I added, "But you are so beautiful" with a gasp.
Suddenly, I also noticed she had wings. Little wings on her back, but even these wings suited her to the hilt.
She giggled, "What do you guess? Me with wings and all? I am Gabriela, the angel. Or more specifically, the sister of Gabriel".
I said, "The Gabriel of the Bible fame?". And I gasped again looking at her. But she was beautiful.
She giggled again, "Yes, and of the Koran fame. And yeah, I am a 10000 miliHelen. And you are the first human who is seeing me, and I can see you are impressed." She looked at me seductively and eyed my pants. "But all that can wait. I have a message for you."
I looked at her, again, and gasped, "Wow, you are beautiful! And message, what message? Message from whom?"
At last she stopped giggling, and said, "Message from God. You have been chosen the new prophet. And I have been chosen over Gabriel finally to deliver this message. Wow, I am so excited."
I said, "Me, a prophet? But I don't even believe in a God. I am an atheist, or something. Except that I do not believe in atheism also. You must have made a mistake. But I am happy that you did. You are so beautiful, I can look at you all day and night"
Her eyes twitched, and she looked at me and asked, "Are you not Zubin? And are you not on the 40th day of your fast? Then it is definitely you."
"But why me", I asked her, and said, "You know I can't even argue with you. You are so beautiful. And what does a prophet have to do anyway?"
"To tell the truth to the people. And who have been chosen because you are among the 1000 people our computer had chosen as potential prophets. We needed people who could play Age of Empires but were not very good at it, knew about different religions but did not actively practice any of them, did drugs but did not overdo it, and were creative and had the potential to imagine things. And a certain charisma. And your masochism has swung the decision your way. The time is nigh too, you have to act fast"
"Drugs, religions, Age of Empires? My masochism? What are you talking about?" I gasped. She was perfect, even with the wings, and the fact that she was an angel.
"You are the only one of those 1000 to pass the 40-day fast test. Jesus did it, Mohammad did it, and now you have. So you are the new prophet. If you ask me, it does not really matter, but God wants someone who has the capacity to bear pain."
"Pain, I didnt feel any pain...and ..."
"So now stop arguing. I need to go, my time is finishing. The message I was supposed to deliver to you is this, get ready to become a prophet. Do not shave your beard. And you can start eating from tomorrow. I will come back tomorrow, and will tell you the truth of life which you will propagate. Wait for me, tomorrow same time."
And she disappeared in front of me, vanishing into thin air. And my conversations with God had started.

The Indian Rupee, the Novel, and the pastimes.

2010-07-20T14:39:00.003+05:30

So well the Indian rupee has become only the fifth currency to get its own symbol, or that is what is being reported. However, if you go through the list of "Insert Symbols" in Microsoft Word, you will find 23 currency symbols, and that excludes the dollar, yen, pound, euro and the Chinese RMB signs, which are part of Latin signs. And we Indians, as we do for everything ranging from Sunil Laxmi Mittal and Indra Nooyi to Sunita Williams and Kalpana Chawla, are gloating over the "achievement". Just like in the case of the four people above, I do not know why should every Indian be proud of it. How does this indicate that the Indian currency has landed on the international stage? Are countries like Iran willing to take payment in Indian rupees (an exemption they are making for the Chinese RMB) - no, they are not, and I am not sure even Bhutan would agree to payment in the new Devanagari symbol. This is just another symbol, and it is a decision taken by a cabinet. It is not that the Rupee has suddenly become stronger, and can buy you 0.03 USD instead of 0.025 USD. The decision could have been taken ages ago, and it would not have mattered. It doesn't matter now anyway.
And the symbol was something only an IITian could have come up with. Mr. Udaya Kumar apparently studied "typography, scripts and ancient printing methods" but for those who know how IITians work, it was innovation at its most obvious. He just decided that all currency symbols have a horizontal or vertical dash running through an alphabet, and voila, he improvised with the devanagari र. And now, it has come to represent Indian tradition and also the half- letter of the Roman R. And Mr. Kumar is part of Indian history, and an answer to another useless question that children have to answer in their GK tests.

So well, it is day 11 of my break, and I haven't done much writing yet. Except for some write-up on Indian politics. The good news, however, is that I have the broad storyline ready, and I will let the characters develop as they come. Moreover, I have the opening paragraph ready. And I am looking forward to your feedback on the same. Here are the opening lines:
"I am no good at opening lines. Because of which, in order to start this conversation, I will just assume I have been introduced to you by a Barney Stinson- like wingman, who has darted off saying “Hi! Have you met Karan?” leaving me face to face with you.
As you might have guessed, I am Karan, a big fan of “How I met your mother”. I am also a big fan of Friends, Scrubs, Seinfeld, the Big Bang Theory and South Park.
I love REM, the band. I also like Dire Straits, U2, Coldplay, Third Eye Blind, Doors, the Beatles, and Bruce Springsteen among others – well there are too many of them to mention. I like good music, period – and that does include some Hindi music as well, though not too much. "
It will be a tale of rivalry and revenge based on the Mahabharat, and Karan and Arjun will be the two central characters. I have twisted the plot a bit though - Karan will be the upper caste super achiever, while Arjun will be his lower caste peer entrusted with the responsibility of his four brothers and widowed mother. The story will take us through the struggles between the two, and there will be number of other characters like Duryodhana, Draupadi and Krishna.
The narrative will be in first person, and all characters will introduce themselves and lead towards the plot. So there will be chapters dedicated to a single character, and the entire story will play out according to his point of view. For we often forget, there is no absolute truth, and that truth only depends on how we see it.

Apart from this though, there is nothing much else going on. I haven't introspected much about what I wanna do, but on the flip side, I am finally learning driving and loving it, and there are plenty of good movies and sports events to fall upon to - on TV and on the big screen. And I have discovered the joy of Age of Empires again, and am actually playing better than I remember myself playing. The parties continue though, and I am looking forward to play tennis again. Soon. On the cards is also a trip to Chandigarh for the reissue of my expired passport, and a week-long trip home. And then back and getting done with some real work. Life goes easy on me, most of the time, as the song goes. Looking forward to the next three months, and life in general. For a change.

The God of Loserness.

2010-07-03T21:46:00.006+05:30

I haven't felt so low in a long time. I feel like a fucking loser, after watching Argentina crash out yet again. To Germany. In the quarter-finals. And it was kind of more difficult to take in because this time it was Maradona, the God himself, who was coaching the team. And it had the best player in the world, Lionel Messi, and a star strikeforce who had managed 170 goals in the past season for their respective clubs. Surely, nothing could have stopped the Argentine juggernaut from rolling, and the effortless way in which Argentina had managed to win its previous four matches convinced me, and many supporters like me, that this was the time to end 24 years of heartbreak. And our hopes came falling down like a pack of cards as the Argentine team was dismantled. The God, and the demi-god, could just watch. And do nothing about it. For maybe there was another God at work. The God of Loserness, and more often than not he strikes.

I have often wondered how I have influenced results of final/close-to-final matches I have managed to watch. All I need to do is to watch a match, and the team/player I was supporting was more likely to lose. When I say more likely, I mean like with a 99% probability. Lets go through the entire list:
1) Rome 1990: Me supporting Argentina, and Germany won.On a penalty that wasnt there, and two red cards shown to the Albeceleste. I watched the whole match, even though it was school the next day - a Monday.
2) Auckland, Sydney, Melbourne 1992: In the three successive matches, I supported New Zealand, South Africa and England respectively and watched every ball being bowled. As you might have guessed, all three lost and Pakistan ended up winning the Cricket World Cup.
3) Los Angeles 1994: Again I watched the entire match, supporting Paolo Maldini and Roberto Baggio against the arrogant Brazilians. Again my team lost.
4) Kolkata 1996: The most famous of the lot, if you are a cricket fan. I remember watching the entire match and crying later. How did India throw it away just when I was telling my dad that we have won it, when we were cruising at 90odd for 1, is a question that haunts me till this day. Sri Lanka, a side I absolutely hated, then went on to defeat the Australia of Glenn Mcgrath and Steve Waugh in the finals as well.
5) Paris 1998: An exception that proves the rule. I did not get to watch the final, being ragged in my first day in DAV College, and therefore, the team I was supporting, France, won 3-0 against the Brazilians. Only time in my memory that I have cheered the final result in the Football world Cup. But, mind you, only because I missed it.
The list goes on, including the finals of the 2005 Champions League at Istanbul. While I did follow club football, the 2005 finals were the first I had a chance to watch since 1995, when the ESPN boom took club football away from Doordarshan. I started watching it right after the half time break. Milan leading 3-0, me supporting Milan in a common room full of Liverpool supporters. And we all know what happened then. The God of Loserness led to the downfall of the club, and Milan fans only revenged the defeat two years later because I could not see that match, otherwise Liverpool and Milan both would have six trophies by now.
And the defeats of Argentina to Germany in the two successive World Cup quarterfinals have been probably the most difficult ones to take. Especially, having followed football all through this season, and watching all teams I supported in different leagues lose, I thought the World Cup was payback time. Milan, Arsenal, Schalke all lost. In the Champions League, Milan and Barcelona fell and of all teams, Inter Milan, with that arrogant bastard, Mourinho, won. I took it in my stride, because I thought that the one God above will compensate me for the whole year, by making Argentina, and Maradona, and Messi, win. But how wrong I was! And now I feel like such a loser.

Well, I am just being a sore loser you say. Why make such a big deal out of it? After all, it is just a game, and I have other things in life to look after. Except that, sadly, I dont.

Now, you can either live a life of meaning or a life of happiness, they say. I decided long ago - a life of meaning is no life at all. A life of happiness is what really it is. And these are the small things that bring true joy. And for me, at present, an overeducated, out-of-work, single man, there can be no bigger joy than watching sports. And cheering my team to win. Except that the life of happiness turns up into a life of sadness when all the above happens.

But I have no complaints, all these years. Losing makes you a better person. And I guess I am a better and a stronger person after 20 years of losing. For this is the beauty of sport, and of life. It gives you a chance to fight back, and you have never really lost till you think you have lost. So I will be back supporting Argentina in 2014. And the God of Loserness will bow to the spirit in me. Eventually, I hope. A hope that has been sustaining me for the past 20 years.

Updates. And a Love Story.

2010-06-19T23:40:00.000+05:30

I have been terribly busy over the last month and a half, which partially explains the lack of any posts for a while. Having officially resigned, I have been put into a project which is taking its own sweet time to get over, and I am working late nights to be able to finish the project and get out of this company. Which, as you can tell, by the sense of frustration creeping into this post, has not happened as of yet. It might take another week, or another two weeks, but the flip side is that they cannot keep me after 3rd July. When I will be free. Free as a bird. Or at least something close to it. Till then, the World Cup, and Argentina's performance, will keep me sane.

I am in love. Been in love for the last 20 years, and the love surfaces every four years. While I have fallen in and out of love many times since, this love story stood the test of time. It is this story I am telling you about now.

I fell in love with Argentina during the build up to the Italia 1990. As a 7 year old, it was my first time watching and reading about football. I didn't remember anything of the 1986 World Cup, and there was not much club football to be viewed in those pre-ESPN days. So well, DD had a number of programs as built up to the Italia 1990, and it was in them that I saw clips of the 1986 World Cup. And it was that goal, I guess which hooked me to the legend of Maradona. I was sure he was someone special, and I knew which team to support in Italia 1990.

And what a tournament it was! History records it as the worst tournament ever, dominated by defenses and bad fouls. But if you were a 7 year old falling in love with football in general and the best team in general, it did not matter. All I knew was that Maradona and Argentina were my team and I was going to support them, no matter what. Which is why, the first match of Italia 1990, which was probably the first World Cup match I remember seeing, was such a shock. A team, from the unheard country of Cameroon, beat Argentina 1-0. I was crying after the result, and remember asking my relatives if Argentina had any chance to qualify. They did qualify. And a love affair started - along with a run to the final, during which they defeated Brazil and Italy among others - two teams I have never really ever liked. Only for the run to be ended by a ridiculous referee in the final. A false penalty given, and Argentina and Maradona were condemned to finish second. But I knew who were my number one.

The love story has endured over the past 20 years now, and it has been a source of more sorrow than joy. Second round in 1994, quarter final in 1998 and 2006, while failure to reach the second round in 2002 are not just the results you expect from the Argentines. Which is why I believe the time has come for payback. Messi and co., you owe me that much for supporting you through thick and thin. All you need to do is to win the World Cup. Beating Brazil and Italy again in the process would be just a bonus.

Confessions. And News.

2010-04-28T02:32:00.001+05:30

It was the first semester of IIT. Actually the start of the second semester. I had gone to collect my first semester grade sheet from my course adviser. I had managed an average, not-too-flashy-but-not-too-bad SGPA/CGPA of 6.6. (This was to prove to be the highest SGPA I ever scored, a fact I did not know at that point of time, but that is another story). Which was kind of uplifting, and kind of depressing. Uplifting because I had not put in much effort during this first semester, and depressing because my pre-major totals (PMTs) had been among the top quarter of my class, and hence a GPA of 7.5-8 did not seem too much away. Before I blew the majors, that is.

The course adviser is the professor who is supposed to monitor your academic performance, and counsel you on your courses. My course adviser was the coolest professor in the campus. Imagine WG Grace shrinking to 5'6" and a 100 kilos. That was my course adviser. He had a long grey unkempt beard, a round belly, and teeth that had been spoiled from long years of smoking. He was not even 60, but he looked 80. He used to enjoy his smoke, and smelled of cigarette too. What really set him apart was his open buttoned shirt, which exposed his white vest more often than not. When he talked, words seemed to get caught in his WG Grace-ish beard, and you really had to pay close attention when he was speaking to understand him. But it was a treat to talk to him. For, he was one of the smartest persons I have met, and one-on-one discussions with him were like embarking on a river of philosophy and electrical engineering. Not like I did follow the second path much. Me being me. I totally respected him, and my respect for him only grew when an accidental browsing through the history of his office's computer took me and the other students to literotica.com. :D

So well, I was there with the professor. He had not really offered any radical advice to anyone else. He looked at my grade sheet, and said "6.6 - that is not really good enough." Then he smiled showing his crooked teeth, and said the words which have haunted me ever since, "You should quit IIT." I was stunned, and asked him why. To which his answer was something on the lines of I would not be able to do well here. And when enquired upon why he thought so, he told me, "Because you have to really work hard in IIT, and I do not think you will be able to do that." And I said, "Then what should I do". And he replied, almost nonchalantly, smiling at me, "You have cleared JEE, the toughest exam in the world. You can make money in anything you do. Join Politics, and you will make money there. Just quit IIT." And I said I would think about it, but in my heart I knew, I did not have the guts to give it all away, the future that an IIT degree promised.

And so I stayed. I flunked some courses, and did badly in others, but even my bad results could not motivate me to work harder on my studies. Having had it easy in my academic life beforehand, I believed just my ingrained academic ability will be able to carry me through. However, in academics, unlike arts/sports, pure talent is nothing unless corroborated by hard work. The fact that my talent for learning counted for nothing in my courses made me hate them even more. My CGPA feel from 6.6 to 5.75 within the course of the four years. On the other hand, I worked hard, really hard in other aspects of hostel life. But those required a right-brained talent, while I was more left-brained. So I ended up caught up somewhere in between. A low GPA, an above average but not dazzling co-curriculars. And just realised that I had made a mistake not leaving IIT when I could easily have. My life was going nowhere, and I thought of a bleak future.

And then I took CAT. The exam was easily crackable (to use a popular Joka term), and it inculcated a feeling in me that management degree, finally, would have courses that asked for more inborn talent than hard work. Either you are a born manager/leader or you are not, I thought. And I could not have been wrong. The realization that I had made a second successive mistake, depressed me. My grades again suffered, and the depression also made me quit pursuing other co-curricular activities. I had a low GPA, and I did not have anything else to show during my two year stay. I was also too much of a pussy to quit, even though I knew nothing was going my way. The future promised too much. I was royally screwed, and was actually wondering about what to do.

When this interview for my current job happened. It passed by a haze because I was drunk, but by the end of it, I was able to crack it because of my potential than anything else. And so I thought maybe consulting and my job would be where I might be able to pass through with my potential than an over reliance on hard working, something I have never been able to do, and now I am confirmed, I will never be able to do. I was getting some decent money and the future looked great. But I was wrong again, and after an initial honeymoon period, I realised I was going nowhere in my job, just like my IIT and IIM experiences, and it was because I could not really work hard.

But, this time I am not being a pussy for a change. I am quitting, and I am telling it to everyone. I will do something I like from now on, and which maximizes my potential. And which does not involve too much hard work. Dear Course Adviser Sir, may you be happy. It has come eight and a half years too late, but it has come as a result of your talk that day. Fuck the hopes of a better future. It is the present that matters. And I am happier now, than I have been in the past nine years. Quitting is a nice feeling.

K to consulting and to IITs and IIMs and their "easy, non-related to the courses" selection processes.

All I wanna do is analyse random data and analyse it to come up with arbit frameworks. Or maybe join politics, and aid parties with data analytics. Or maybe just write random articles on business. Please follow this space for more.

The SZ matrix of life

2010-04-19T20:39:00.005+05:30

The Consulting Hypothesis: And then there is this thing called life. Science has not been able to define it yet, (or had not when I last studied biology, which arguably was 12 years ago), but being a consultant, there is nothing I cannot do, and hence I will undertake to define life.
Moreover, being a consultant, as I can never do anything really useful, except confusing my audiences and clients with complex "strategic frameworks" in 2-d graphs or 3-d matrices, I will describe a new framework.
The SZ Matrix of Life: Imagine, my dear readers, a 3-d space. (A 3-d space, for those of you mathematically naive, is a three dimensional space. It is what you see. The height, breadth and width - which can also be said to be the three axis of the space). Now imagine the three axis of this 3-d space to be professional life, personal life and the social life (the x,y and z axis respectively, represented as (x,y,z) from now on). We call this space, for want of a better name, the SZ matrix of life, in honour of the two men who came up with this matrix, one being yours truly and the other, my co-consultant in the latest "consulting" project I am doing. But more of the "consulting" project we are doing later.
For now, more gyaan on the three axis which make up this matrix:
Professional Life: Consists of your work life. You know, the quality of work, the amount of money you earn and other such things.
Personal Life:The so-called important part. Includes your family, relatives, and your significant others. Includes The people you are supposedly closest to, and your relationship with them.
Social Life: Your social life. Consists of your friendships, your social networks, and generally everything not covered in the first two axis. Such as your tennis club. Or the book reading group you are a part of.
The SISO method: Now that we are clear on what the axis are, here is a little exercise for you. In consulting, we call it the workshop method. I call it the SISO method. Which is short for Shit In Shit Out. So, its basically you giving me ideas, and I presenting it back to you with some shitty analysis thrown in. Sounds interesting, right? So lets get into the exercise head-on.
Ideation: Imagine your life on this framework, and give yourself a rating between (0,10) on the three axis. About how you think your life is heading in each direction. And how good you think is each aspect of your life turning out to be. A higher rating means a better quality of life parameter. So if you think you are doing great in your professional life, but your personal life is only half perfect, while your social life is non-existant, give yourself a rating of (10,5,0). Doing this, give yourself a rating of (x1,y1,z1) for the current state in your life. This is your SZ matrix coordinates. Keep them ready with you for the time being.
Weights (for stronger analysis) (SI): Now, just to make things more confusing (in consulting terms, to make the analysis more "holistic"), please assign your own weights to the three axis. Now assigning weights is a slightly tricky task, so please read carefully. Your weights should be indicative of the relative importance you give to the three axis, and the sum of the three weights should equal 1. Not less, not more, but absolutely 1. Moreover, none of the weights should be less than 0 (or more than 1). So if your three weights are w1,w2,w3 for the x,y and z axis respectively, then w1,w2,w3 should fulfil the following two conditions:
1>= w1,w2,w3 >= 0;
w1+w2+w3 = 1;
Examples: For example, Chatur will give weights of (0.8,0.2,0) or (0.9,0.1,0) or (1,0,0) while Rancho will give weights of (0,0.2,0.8)or (0,0,1) while Hari will give weights of (0.1,0.8,0.1) - depending on their preferences for glory in different fields. Please note in each case, the weights add up to one, and while weights can be 0 or 1, they cannot be negative or greater than 1. So please have the (w1,w2,w3) ready as well.
The calculations: Now comes the hard part. You need to calculate your SZ matrix of life score which is given by the following mathematical equation : SZ matrix of life score = {w1*(x1)^2+ w2*(x2)^2+ w3*(x3)^2}^(1/2) (For the mathematically inclined, this is the weighted distance formula. For the mathematically naive, well I don't believe anyone of you has actually cared to read till here anyways, so forget it). As a check, your SZ matrix of life score should be between 0 and 10. Both inclusive.
Special Analysis (SO): So now that you have a SZ matrix of life score between 0 and 10, our special consulting team (me) will tell you what to do with your life.
Score of 0: Are you even alive? The good news for you is that you are absolutely rock bottom, and you cannot go much deeper, even if you tried digging. The bad news is that you are rock bottom. You really don't have anything going for you, and I am just wondering what you are doing reading this. Get off my blog fast!!!
Score of (0-2.5): Is your life worth it, you often wonder? There is not much right going on with it, and you are often depressed. A failed love affair perhaps, or a really, really bad job can be key elements. Or maybe both. Add to that the fact that you have no real friends, right?
Score of [2.5-5): Not the most ideal place to be, but you could do worse, and probably will over time. You are not a very happy person inside, but you complain about most things, though nothing is really wrong with your life. You should also look at the analysis of the previous scoring bracket, because that is where you will fall in some years if you do not start getting happy with what you have.
Score of [5-7.5): Life could be better, but you are doing fine with what it is. Over time, your life will improve. Or so you hope. And that thought is what keeps you happy. Good going.
Score of [7.5-10): Life is great! And will continue being so. While not perfect, your life has all the elements of a well-paid and down to earth rockstar. What else can a person ask for?
Score of 10: Are you a living person? You are totally contented, and have nothing to look forward to in life. You are like the Indian hero at the end of a movie, who lives happily ever after. The only bad news for you is your life might seem useless from this time on, because you have already reached the top and there is no way to go but down. Get off my blog, before I become totally jealous of you. And your life.
Further Reading and Recommendations: The SZ matrix of life scale is time dependent, and you should always look to maximize your score on the SZ matrix of life. Whenever taking a decision which affects any of the three axis or more than one axis, compare your current score with your proposed score, and only go ahead if your SZ matrix of life score increases. Further research on the SZ matrix is being conducted, and results are not yet conducive.
For further queries, please respond on the comments section below, and the author will get back to you. Individual consultancy, based on your exact score, are also available.
Disclaimer: The author, like all consulting firms, is not responsible for any decision you take and any losses you suffer based on my recommendations. These are just guidelines, and finally you should only do what your mind tells you. Especially if it is a sick, demented mind. Because you do need to blame someone for your decisions, but consultants are always blemish free.

Mind Fuck and other stories

2010-04-07T22:56:00.003+05:30

1. The Shock: "Help! Help! Help" he shouted, as the 440 V current flowed through his body. He was stuck to the overhead electrical cables above his house. On the roof. He did not remember how. But he knew he was fixed to the cables, and he knew it was not a nice position to be in. His entire life flashed between his eyes for what seemed like an eternity. He felt pain like he had never experienced. It was as if his entire body was forced to act under some huge pressure. He could see the people below, working in the field, oblivious to his state, and not responding to his loud cries of help. Over what seemed liked ages. His eyes went blank for an instant, and then,a thousand images and a thousand colours, colours he had never imagined before, and did not know existed, filled his eyes, as he felt pain he had never experienced before.But he could see other shapes around him, much nearer. He could almost hear them as well, calling out to him. And he wanted to reach out to those shapes around him but he could not, for he was fixed to the wires. And he soon found a strange He thought, "so this is what death feels like. Strange I don't feel anything, except pain".
He woke up in the hospital, and remembered. He remembered seeing himself hanging from the cables and shaking, the woman in the fields raising a shout for help, his neighbours coming up to the roof to remove him from the wire. His mom standing stunned seeing him hanging. The neighbours using the dry sticks to remove him. He remembered seeing it all. And then he rose from the bed. After what seemed like ages. But it was only an hour since he had "died". What had happened had not killed him, but it had him shaken. And stirred, if you like.

2. The Suicide: So life had to end like this, he thought. A large dose of some anti-depressants had to do the trick. He was tired of his lonesome and generally boring life. He had just decided he had made the worst of his life, and that there was no way out of this misery. Things had just gone from bad to worse. Or so he thought. He had been lonely during childhood too, but much happier, often inventing games out of nothing. He had innovated playing book cricket, for example. He also predicted results of the cricket and football world cups through playing random games. In school, however, he was an extrovert. And generally popular, through participation in whatever little activities his school organized. Despite his extroversion, there were times when he needed to be alone. And just play his self invented games. And then the shock happened. And the dark thoughts started appearing, as he left school to enter college.
And the participation, enthusiasm and the popularity continued in college. However, the need to be alone at times also stayed, and it was in college, that at first the dark thoughts came to him. Why did his parents, relatives and his friends loved him, he wondered, when he was such a good-for-nothing guy? Did they have some hidden agenda for loving him, or did they just showed they loved him? Such thoughts clouded his reasoning. His thoughts about people, about the world generally turned grey. They taunted him, and he started believing them. He knew he was a nice guy, but the thoughts told him he was not. He started feeling guilty for not being as good a guy as he claimed he was, and the more he thought about it, the worse it became. His thoughts when he was alone turned more and more evil, and the blacker his thoughts became, the worse it became for him. The persistently happy person then started turning sadder, and consequently his attitude towards people, which used to be very welcoming earlier, took a 180 degree turn. He started hating people, and people generally started avoiding him. Which made him feel worse. And depressed. His grades at college suffered, and he flunked many courses. This made him question the meaning of the life, universe and everything. And the more he thought about it, the more he became certain that life was not worth living.
And so he met a shrink, to give life a last chance. However, all he got from the shrink was a subscription. To different anti-depressants. He got a full month's supply, and had his first daily dose. It didn't seem to help. He had another. Long before, he had the entire month's supplies down his throat. And he was waiting to die. And laughing about it.
He closed his eyes, and saw himself lying on the bed. Eyes closed. And he saw the shapes again calling out to him. And he moved out, towards the shapes. He could pass through the door he realized. He could do whatever he wanted. He felt, so I am finally dead now. He could not remember anything after this. Except that he woke up one day later. After vomiting all over the bed. He had been unable to die, once again.

3. Mind Fuck: "And the funny thing is," he wondered, "is that 99% people will donate their right hand to be where I have been. A well paying job. Degrees in B.Tech and MBA from the best colleges in the country. A constant adoration from everyone in the family for being among the most educated. A large group of friends. Trips to China, US, and Western Europe. And still I am like this." He had managed to overcome his depression in the ensuing years mainly through his decision to be happy, and take things as they come. And have his share of fun, which included drinking binges every weekend. And sometimes get really high. Live life like a rock star - with lesser money and no girls that is - and generally not taking tension about anything. But this job had changed it all. Working till 2 am on most days had meant absolutely no time for other pursuits. And he started feeling that his work was useless, and he hated his job. And wondered, how life had come to this.
He was feeling absolutely useless about himself. His job gave him no satisfaction. His personal life gave him no instant satisfaction. Alcohol and ganja also seemed to lose their charm. And his mind again started playing games on him. The shock kept coming back to haunt him. He imagined walking through the world, vibrating and shaking and feeling the electrical current running through his body. He even imagined himself as Kalki out to save the world. His mind was twisted, as he failed to reason between reality and imagination. Once in office, he imagining himself as Kalki had hit a senior with a pen which acted as a sword, hurting his eye. He was given a sabbatical after that, to try and regroup himself, and cure himself, but the long hours at home alone, only made his condition worse.
He was shown to many doctors but none could cure him. He was sent to a mental asylum where he just managed to aggravate himself further. He was now acting like Kalki and moved around as if he was riding the white horse. And fought imaginary enemies, even hurting many people in the process. And one day, fighting the demons, he imagined he had been hit by a sword, and it was a fatal blow. He just would not get up after that. And as he closed his eyes, he could see the shapes, again. They had finally come to get him this time. And he moved out towards the shapes, but this time there was no going back. He had cheated death many times. It was death's turn to cheat him now.

Tonight

2010-03-18T01:02:00.003+05:30

Tonight is a special night. And pretty boring. For tonight is the first Friday night in a long long time that I am not in Howzzat/TC/Beer Island/HRC/Machan sipping alcohol. Make it guzzling alcohol. Moreover, I have been "clean" for this entire week (which must be another personal record), and hence can think more clearly that I have on other Friday nights. I can already feel the blood in my alcohol system reach new high levels. Which makes it a good time to introspect/retrospect, and to write this blog.
The past two years have passed like a daze, as did the Joka years. IITD, which at that time was a lot of fun, also seems to be full of hazy memories now. And I do not remember much from DAV college, or from school days. Which, simply put, means I have no memories. Or even if I do, I only have hazy memories. People recount incidents involving me which I just don't remember. I do remember some important events like the Fuchcha skit, the Flash Gordon Trophy, the Political Dharna in PU and the Aero Quiz, but I do not remember them entirely. How did it feel to perform on the Fachcha skit? How was it to judge the greatest final ever? It must have been great then, but now I am unable to remember those events with fondness, or feel good about them. I have lost a lot of my memories, and the one I do have, I have lost all feelings for them. After much coercion, I am able to remember, for example, the Ganguly shirt removing act that our entire Kara batch did after our juniors won the Fuchcha music event. I force myself to remember it was great, but it is not something I feel good about now all these years later. Or when we won all those trophies on House Day. It felt so good back then, but now those memories are unable to inspire me. All my happiness has been very momentarily and I have been unable to carry forward happy memories with me. On the flip side though, I also dont remember the really painful incidents as well.
Probably its the alcohol that has killed a part of the brain. Or maybe I have become completely detached from everything around, and hence feel no pleasure - or pain. Or maybe my feelings have just died, for the only feeling I get nowadays is one of frustration. Frustration at how I have made the worst of what I had. I have almost no social life, I suck at my work, and I have no prospects of growth - personally and professionally. And I have accepted it. Which brings me great calm. Except that the frustration comes out when I start thinking. Which is not much nowadays anyways. SO life is good. And happy. In a way.

The Ballad of John and Mojo

2010-01-31T19:03:00.010+05:30

And as another lonely Valentine's day goes past,
John is all alone, wishing this one alone would be the last.
He will find someone special, and all will be well,
by next year, and the year hence, we will hear the wedding bell

His mojo though is not so patient, and soon encounters John,
"What are you doing with me, Sir, and why am I a victim of your con?
You - and I - are already touching thirty, and all my friends make fun of me,
I havent had my fair share of women, and a worst thing for my confidence couldn't be"

John tries to console his mojo, as he has consoled his brain,
"There is a special one, somewhere, and let me make it plain,
I am going to find her this year, and the next Valentine's day,
I will not be alone then, and Mr. Mojo, you will then have your way"

"But, that is what you have been telling me for the last ten years,
and its been a long time coming, and now its too much to bear,
I want a woman and I want her soon - I don't understand why are you like that,
when most of your friends are making love, what makes you so alone and aghast?"

John ponders for a while, about an issue he has tried hard to skirt
"I don't really know, Mr. Mojo, but I think its because I cant flirt,
And even if I like a girl, I am unable to put up a decent propose,
for I have a strong inferiority complex, and think I will lose."

His mojo tries to give him hope, and make him see reason,
"Come on Mr. John, don't you be so pessimistic, for you are a man of all seasons,
You are intelligent, and caring, and can talk pretty well - and girls like that,
While you are also pretty rich and your only fault is that you are a bit fat"

John says, "Yes I guess that is true, but I am also maybe a little too proud
And if I love a girl, she should like me too, otherwise there is always some doubt,
I am not ready to fall in love, and then take the sack
because the pain is too much to take, and that is what keeps me back"

"But, Mr. John, this is no reason for me to suffer, and feel bad
there are places like Amsterdam and Bangkok for me to be glad,
So lets go there, and relive Amsterdam of two years back,
Enjoy with the girls there - without any fear of a sack."

And so John decided, on that fateful Valentines day,
that to every girl he is interested in, "I love you" would he say,
or if that would not work, and if girls would still keep him in the dark clouds,
he would like to take a trip to Amsterdam and Bangkok and make Mr. Mojo proud.

Of the left brain of the right brained people and vice versa

2010-01-20T01:24:00.000+05:30

1) I am a right brained person, according to the test I took at a training at my company. It was a pretty useless test, if you ask me, because the test only checked what I liked to do, and not what I am good at. Those two are entirely different things although people often confuse them as similar. I like doing the right brained stuff but I am good at the left brained stuff. So what am I?
2) The 3 Idiots, which is entertainment mixed with a lot of gyaan - a LOT of gyaan, which killed it for me - gave fundaes about finding your true calling in life. Now what exactly does it mean by "the true calling in life?" Is it the thing you genuinely like doing the most or the thing you are the best at? The movie, while being good, is definitely not a masterpiece, and after a Hirani classic like Lagre Raho Munnabhai you are actually let down. Moreover, the way that it has looked down on achievers and praised the under-achievers is actually pretty naive. And ignorant of some basic facts about under-achievers. And the irony is, the movie is more appreciated by the achievers and those who were not meant to achieve :). But more rant about the movie later.
3) I owe a lot to the left part of my brain, and that is what actually made me graduate from the best colleges in the country. And everything I am today - which is not much, I have to admit - is because of the left part of my brain. Infact, the right part of my brain is responsible for my poor showing at both IIT and IIM. I could have probably topped there too if I really wanted to and allowed my left part of the brain to take over. But then again, it is the right part of the brain which really makes me happy- and there is nothing I can do about it. So while I do have the potential to be a Rancho or a Chatur, my right brain and my quest for following my dreams has made me a Farhan - or a Hari - or whatever the name of those two losers in 3Idiots was. But it has also made me happy, happy than I ever could be by being a topper or anything. And this is where 3 Idiots fails for me - a character representing me.
4) Remembered the venn diagram representation of the ideal job (Courtesy: Bud Cadell). Imagine three venn circles representing work you like to do, work you are good at and work that pays good money. See the diagram below. This is a great way to reflect on your work and are you doing what you are actually doing in your life. And what should you do to be really happy.

I tried putting my own perspective on the venn diagram and the results were not positive. These were the results
a) My current job was probably outside the Venn Diagram: I am not very good at it, I definitely don't like it much and it does not pay good money. Well, it pays okay but not good money.
b) The work I was good at was mostly left brained things like number crunching, quantitative analysis, qualitative analysis etc etc while the things I liked doing were creative writing, chattering aimlessly, playing sports, doing plays, and the like. Almost a certain mismatch between the two. Except probably for solving probability puzzles and cryptic crosswords. But the best was thinking about what are the jobs that actually pay money. These skills include cock sucking and ass licking of your boss across the different industries. Whatever you do and your other skills become totally useless. So my venn diagram became the following.

And now I am totally confused. My left brained skills and my right brained passions have left me little choice, about what to do. The venn diagram leaves me with only the following options then:
a) Open a Sports Analytics Company
b) Go Around Philosophising
c) Become a Creative Writer
However, being a left brained person, I am also try being a bit practical. And that practical aspect of me is afraid to take the next big step. Of quitting the current job, and doing something I like. A step towards being happier. At work. :)

Mahabharat-12: The Bhima effect

2009-12-30T00:40:00.001+05:30

The Mahabharat series returns after a 2-year hiatus. It will be nice if you could read the first 11 parts here to make some sense of this.

Shakuni : "So did you understand the plan?"
Duryodhana: Yes, mamaji, I did. But is it not wrong to do this?
Shakuni: What wrong? When he beats your brother isnt that wrong? Anyways all you are trying to do is to teach that insolent sob a lesson. You are the good guy here, remember that. You are trying to protect your brothers against the bully.
Duryodhana: I guess you are right, mamaji. Anyways we are only going to give him a long sleep, right, mamaji. But where do I get these sleeping pills from Mamaji?
Shakuni: Bhanje, you leave all those details to me. I will get made the tastiest food and shall add the sleeping pills to it. You just have to invite Bhima to eat it. And knowing him, I am sure he won't refuse. But make sure noone sees you make the invitation.
Duryodhana: I won't let you down, mamaji.
And off went Duryodhana.
Meanwhile, the Pandavas in their home were having fun discussing the various positions in the year end Kamasutra magazine, which Yudhistra, using his superior diplomatic skills, had managed to get away from uncle Vidura. Most of the positions were pretty acrobatic, and the rest of the Pandavas were making fun of Bhima, and how, considering his bulky nature, he would not be able to try the majority of them. And this drove Bhima mad - at his own brothers.
Bhima: I will make all of you suffer. You guys just wait. (And he rushes after Arjuna with a stick).
Yudishtra: Bhima, remember what Mom Kunti and Uncle Vidura told all of us. I am the eldest, and always right.
Yudishtra (being the elder brother who got scolded by Kunti if anyone fought among the Pandavas): Shaant, dandadhari Bhima, shaant!! Arjuna, apologise to your elder brother!
Arjuna: Sorry bhai!! (And see what dirty connotations of that simple statement did Bollywood come up with all these years later).
Nakul and Sahadeva: Sorry Bhai!!
Yudishtra: But Bhima must have his anger assauged. And we people should also learn a lesson not to be disrespectful to Bhima. So Sahadeva, being the youngest, should bear the brunt of Bhima's anger. Bhima, you can give a tight one of the stick to Sahadeva.
And Bhima obliges. But is still quite glum. And so Nakul too is sacrificed.
Nakul and Sahadeva are both clutching their bottoms at the end of it all, wondering what wrong did they do - they did not actually said anything and had only laughed at the jokes Arjuna and Yudishtra made.
Yudishtra (thinking): This will teach these sons of Madri a lesson. She was the one because of whom Dad is dead. And that will also teach them not to ever go against Bhima - and by extension, against me.
Bhima's anger has calmed down by now. And Arjuna and Yudishtra get scot free.
So Yudishtra tells Bhima to calm down and says, "But seriously Bhima, you need to do something about this fat body of yours. You have lost all your muscles now. All you have is fat. Even Mom Kunti had to hear jokes by aunt Gandhari and Uncle Dhritrashtra regarding your weight. You are just 13 now, what will happen when you reach 30, and more. I hate to think. So from tomorrow, I have told uncle Vidura to put you on a strict diet control. No more Aloo ke Parathe for you. All you can have are those Subway sandwiches."
Bhima: But bhaiya, that is so unfair.
Yudishtra: It is all for your good, you will realize. See Arjuna already has had three girlfriends, while you have none. Why do you think that is?
Bhima: That is because I am not interested in one. I am sure I can find myself hotter females who will be enamored by my muscles (showing his biceps) if I tried. Arjuna is ready to do whatever girls asks them to do. He tries a bit too hard, and some girls like that. On the other hand, I have too much dignity. And Bhaiya, even you never have had a girl friend. Why do you think that is?
Yudishtra: I am the eldest brother. This is no way to talk to your elder brother. I will go complain to Mom if you do not apologise.
Bhima: Okay I will! Sorry Bhai (Thinks: He is such a sissy)
Yudishtra (suddenly feeling the urge to press his advantage): And what Arjuna was joking about is right. You will have trouble to have even missionary sex with this huge belly of yours. What is your Body Mass Index? In hindsight, I think I will ask Uncle Vidura to change your Subway Diet to once-a-day Subway Diet. Don't look so glum brother. It is for your own benefit. So you can have good sex. (Thinking: Even Bhima should get good girls once he thins down a bit. Then, like with Arjuna, I can emotionally blackmail him too, and get to second base with his girlfriends as well. Too bad Arjuna has not gone all the way yet with any of them. I am too uptight and unsmart to make the effort to get a girl myself anyways).
Bhima: Yes brother I understand. May I go for a walk now? I need to get fit you know.
Yudishtra: Yes you may.
Bhima goes out of the palace, feeling really depressed. "Once a day Subway diet, how will I ever survive on that?" he wonders, when suddenly he sees Duryodhana approaching. And he remembers the embarrassment he had brought upon his cousin during the afternoon and he lets out a loud laugh.
Bhima: Duryodhana, what are you doing in the Pandavas apartments?
Duryodhana: Bhima, I had to talk to you about something.
Bhima (suspiciously): What is it Duryodhana?
Duryodhana: I am having a small problem, and only you can help me.
Bhima: Why should I help you, you Kaurava!
Duryodhana: Because I will do whatever you want. You know I had a bet with my younger brothers that I could eat 30 pooris in one sitting, but you know I cannot. And I lose two months of pocket money if I lose. Shakuni Mama has agreed to be the adjudicator and will serve food to me. But I have worked out a deal with him, and he will serve you instead. Hence accompany me to the kitchen, and you can eat on my behalf. I will give you a month's pocket money. I cannot lose face among my younger brothers you know.
Bhima (Smiling, Thinks: The fool! He is giving me money for doing what I so desperately want. Food. Let me squeeze him further though): I will do it if you agree to provide me with food for breakfast and dinner also. Your breakfast and dinner.
Duryodhana (desperately wanting the plan to succeed): Yes, whatever. Please help me.
So Bhima goes to the kitchen with Duryodhana, and eats 30 pooris, which according to Shakuni's plan, was adulterated. Not with sleeping pills though. Shakuni had added a full bottle of rat poison in the dough, potent just enough to kill a person who drinks the entire bottle, which Bhima inadverently had. As soon as he finished the food, Bhima fell sleepy as the poison started acting up. Shakuni, in the meantime went to answer the call of nature, and Duryodhana, seeing Bhima sleepy, had a brilliant idea (which can be written as !! in Chess, but actually became a ??). Duryodhana drags the body of Bhima out of the kitchen along with Dushasan, his trusted No. 2 and throws him into the Ganga, and tells the happy news to Shakuni when Shakuni returns after relieving himself.
Shakuni was livid when he hears what Duryodhana has done.
Shakuni: Even fools use their brains sometime, when will you use yours?
Duryodhana (shocked): What do you mean Mamaji, have I not done the right thing? Just making him sleep would not have been a big enough punishment for him right, so I thought I will throw him into river and make him suffer. I sometimes think I am a genius Mamaji.
Shakuni: You fool! I had planned it all. It would have been a big enough punishment. But now you have spoiled it all.
Duryodhana: Why Mamaji? Now he will know not to take panga with me.
Shakuni: (Thinking: I would have burned his body, and all trace of Bhima would have been lost. People would have assumed Bhima ran away because of the tough diet constraint to be placed on him. But now, his body will be found and a thousand questions will be asked. Let me prepare how to handle with him). Duryodhana, you now go and play with your brothers. Let me see what to do. And Dushasan, no one should know about this except the three of us. Right?
Duryodhana, Dushasan: Yes Mamaji.
Meanwhile, the river Ganga was infested with snakes at that point of time. The snakes bit the unconcious Bhima, and anti-venomed the effect of the rat poison. And Bhima was rendered conscious as the poison in his blood was neutralized. The first thing he felt was lack of air in his lungs. He wanted to swim up, but having had always not played attention in swimming classes, he failed. Death loomed on his head as he saw himself being pushed down towards the water bed. But lo! On the water bed before him was an entire palace of gold. He floated himself towards it. And saw the city of the Nagas - the snake people, who were his Mom's maternal uncles. Talk of luck, he thought, as his head swirled - the effect of poison and the water filling his lungs.
Bhima was taken prisoner by the guards of the city and presented before the king of the Nagas, who turned out to be his maternal grand uncle. Bhima noted that he could breathe normally now, even with water all around him. It was a lot like magic. Bhima was still too confused to understand the effect of what happened. After the introductions, Bhima was received warmly by his grand uncle.
Naga King (NK): Welcome to Athlathi - our capital under water. Noone ever comes here, and Bhima, you are a brave man to come here. What brings you here.
Bhima (confused): I dont know. I guess it was food. I feel weak. I need food.
NK: Yes we will give you food. And a lot more. What do you want Bhima, tell me. Do you want money, or sex? Or both. I have a harem of beautiful women. You are my grand nephew and are eligible to enjoy with them. I have much money also, as you can see in the golden palace. Ask I will fill you up with women and money.
Bhima (Thinks: I need to say sex, I want sex the most, yes today will be a culmination of my desire. And I wont even have to become a slave of women like Arjuna does to get one): If you want to give me anything, give me strength. And make me seem the same muscular self I am right now no matter what I eat. That is all I want. I want food. And strength. (WTF! What did I just say??)
NK: Lemme see about it. Women and money would have been easier. And the physical appearance part is also easy. But strength. This one is tough. Chief Minister, do we have anything for strength.
Chief Minister (CM): Yes sir, we have just have had invented a new strength providing capsule. You had employed your best scientific minds to make that capsule exclusively for you. But sir, it is the only tablet we have. And we have kept it for you. It gives the consumer the strength of 16000 elephants. And the scientists who researched the tablets are all dead as per your order - so they could not make another.
NK: So what, Bhima is like my own son. Give the tablet to him. He asks me for strength and we will give him.
CM (Thinks: What a fool our king is? I should be the king, if only my plots will come off once a while).
So Bhima takes the tablet, and immediately gets the strength of 16000 elephants.
The Naga King then orders his CM to leave Bhima to the banks of the Ganges using the submarine. And from there, Bhima comes back to Hastinapur and his palace.
In his absence, rumours had started abounding that Bhima had left the palace as he could not keep up with the strict diet code of his own elder brother. There is large mourning for him, and as Kunti was wailing aloud, along with Gandhari, Bhima appears and tells everyone his Naga King story. He had however, conveniently forgotten about the 30 poori lunch by then, and no one gets to suspect Duryodhana. Some rumours even abound that Bhima had taken rat poison in view of living the one a day Subway diet. These rumours - started by Shakuni - were so strong that even Bhima could not refute them. But it did not really matter. Bhima had the strength of 16000 elephants, and he could eat all he wanted. That was all that mattered.

The XYZ theory on love, relationship and commitment - and why arranged marriages cant work

2009-12-09T01:57:00.001+05:30

(This matrix can as easily be a 4-d space with sex added as the fourth dimension. However, after much deliberation I realised that sex is actually independent of the other three dimensions and hence can be settled separately. Moreover, a 4-d space will be much harder to visualize).
(This is a gender-neutral post. So if anywhere I have mentioned a he, it means it. Or whatever).
Imagine a normal 3-d space with the x,y and z axis. A 3-d coordinate is represented as : (x,y,z) (For the non-mathematician, the order of x, y and z is important).
Any single person out of love lies in the (0,0,0) point of the 3-d space. Being a mathematician myself, I will call this the origin. He has no love, is in no relationship and has no commitments. A person stranded at this particular point is looked down by his in love, in relationship and committed peers, who have already climbed up the ladder to reach the coveted (1,1,1) position. Let us call this the destination, for want of better names.
Now, as any person who knows the word "entropy" and the third law of thermodynamics will tell you, the natural order of the transportation from the origin to the destination, is through the path (0,0,0)->(1,0,0)->(1,1,0)->(1,1,1) (For those who donot understand coordinate geometry OR vector space, why are you reading this? :D.) It basically means that first people fall in love, then get into relationships and finally get committed. That is the natural way to get to the coveted destination, and the more honourable way to get laid as well. This is how love works as well, and love marriages follow this route - which is the more natural route. The concept fails, however as the three jumps are difficult to make for certain "losers". So while, theoratically, love marriages are a great concept they often fail, as i) some people fail to fall in love, OR ii) some of those that fall in love, fail to get into relationships with the persons they fall in love with, OR iii) most of the couples in a relationship fail to get into a commitment, mainly due to family issues or just because love is transitory. So this awesome concept, fails in the practical world.
And so Indians, being a practical and jugaadu species, have developed the concept of arranged marriage,which, however, follows the opposite route. The final aim again is to reach the destination, but the path now taken is (0,0,0)->(0,0,1)->(0,1,1)->(1,1,1). (You reach into a commitment first, then into a relationship, and then find love in the relationship). This is not entropy based, and as even a child can tell you, highly unnatural. These jumps, while impossible to make in the normal way - for example, the third jump is not possible theoretically as familiarity breeds contempt, not love - have flourished under Indian society. These conditions are basically the continuous conditioning of the girl child to make arranged marriages work. All the onus is on the female half of the marriage too make her marriage work - and it is her failure if it fails. It is she who has to make all efforts to make the guy jump stages and pretend to do so herself. However, with the present generation being influenced by the western world, and women no longer ready to do anything to make marriages work, the future of the arranged marriage looks bleak.
So if both the marriage techniques available are either impractical or theoretically impossible, what do we do? Let us look back at the different positions possible on the x,y,z space for people in different stages.
(1,0,0) is an unstable situation as either a person in love falls out of it, or else takes it to the next level. The situation where (1,0,0) is often tricky and is often accompanied by large intakes of alcohol with the wondering question of (she/he loves me, she/he loves me not). The earlier the person is out of it, the better.
(1,1,0) while being a pretty good state to be in, is also unstable. Over time, and in the conservative society that we live in, commitment becomes important. So either people break up if commitment is not forthcoming or else take the step up to the destination. I would personally prefer this state as it is the happiest.
(0,0,1) is a bit of no-state actually. It almost necessary translates to (0,1,1) - its analogous in chemistry would be the nascent compounds, which are formed and broken almost immediately.
(0,1,1) is the state most people live in throughout their arranged marriages, or jump to (1,1,1) in case of really successful marriages. This is a relatively stable state, but definitely not a very happy one. You always have a feeling of missing something.
Which leaves us with the origin and the destination. Is the origin such a sorry state to be in? Maybe not, as this has been described as, among other terms, as the ""Khulla Saand" stage. This is the time to explore. Countless people dwell in the origin and are happy doing that - for eternity.
And is destination the happiest place on earth? I am not too sure, or so many love marriages would not end in divorces. Maybe, the thing is love itself is too far overrated, and hence it decreases over time. Love is just the beginning, but another things, like money, are the deciding factors. And maybe we could have a fifth dimension here. That of money. But more of that later.

Sex in IIT

2009-12-01T17:40:00.000+05:30

(Wrote this piece around two years ago. Still pretty relevant though). Question: "What is sex in IITD like?"
IITD Male1 (Frustrated Stud): "One sex only - male. All others are non-males."
IITD Male2 (Frustrated Best Friend): "Non-existent. IIT girls are very seedhi-saadhi, you know"
IITD Male3 (The Geek) : "What's sex?"

The Stud: Handsome and rich chap, mostly from Delhi and adjoining areas. Always believes that beauty*intelligence = constant, and is often seen complaining about JEE being an intelligence centric examination. Tries his hands therefore at girls from adjoining female colleges, but because of the reputation that the general IITian has managed over the years (of being very weak at socializing with others, a frustrated soul who ogles at every girl passing by, is rarely good at anything else other than engineering - and the third one is purely false), has a pretty disappointing success ratio of around 2%. Its improving, thankfully, though. (There are super studs, however, who despite being IITians, have managed to dump girlfriends every second month. But more of that later). Loves watching porn and is not ashamed of it.

The Best Friend: The quintessential IITian guy. The one ogling at girls in Priya and PVR, looking at them like Adam looked at the forbidden apple. Mostly from the countless small towns of India. Middle class, who has made it through hard work. Has simple ambition, and so settles for the girl sitting next to him in class, and tells himself, "she might not be beautiful, but she is pretty smart. She will make a good wife."(They generally dont). And after countless workshops, assignment, treats and movies together, when he says, "I think I love you," the female, not a fool herself, says, "but you know, I don't think of you that way. You are my best friend", 97% of the time, and that is the end of that. The rest 3% get lucky, but sex is only for after marriage, for IIT girls are very seedhi-saadhi. However, as soon as the 4 years of IITD lives get over, the love lives also generally end, leaving the guy with alcohol and a lot of debts to counter, and the female with a new older richer lover. Loves watching porn but is ashamed to admit it.

The Geek: The smartest chap of them all. Pays attention to only books in the first year, gets great grades, catches attention of the sexiest girls (whatever that means in IITD context), who want him to teach them and in return he gets to know about what sex is like in IITD. And
going by the statements of a few of them, they find its pretty cool. Loves watching porn but publicly swears never have seen a single one.

Welcome to IIT Delhi. The place, famous, among other things for the frustrated beings ogling at PYTs in Priya and PVR Saket. People who only want sex. And who can blame them? In a good batch, the male:female ratio is 8:1, while in a typical batch, it is 20:1. And all of the females who manage to reach IIT are, in all probability, unlikely to win any awards at any of the beauty pageant. Even then, the skewed ratio makes them the queens in IITD, and the males, either their slaves or the oglers at Priya, or typically, both.

There are plenty of jhaadis (shrubs) in IIT Delhi, making it a great place for people to do it.Sex in IIT Delhi is pretty common, therefore. However, due to the reasons mentioned above, the only people doing it in IITD are usually outsiders. But, as they say, every rule has an exception, and here are three of them I know - in chronological order.

A senior of mine (a superstud, if ever there was one) dated models only. And he changed them every other month. And he was caught having sex with one of them by a security guard.- 2004
A batchmate of mine , on the other hand, climbed the roof of the house of a Prof. whose daughter was/is/will be the hottest chick in IITD, and spent the night with her.-2005
A junior of mine was caught naked with his IITian girlfriend in one of the blocks one night, doing it,by another security guard . -2006

However, such incidents are less and far few, and while the opening of a bar just outside IITD has made it easier to see IITian guys and gals hanging out drunk and obviously planning to have sex, the plans remain just that : plans. Because deep inside, IITians, (the majority of them at least), are still very conservative, and believe what their religions preach - and dont all religions preach the same when it comes to sex? - No sex before marriage! It was true when I joined, back in 2001, and it was the true when I graduated in 2006.

But times are changing, and there will surely come a time when some frustrated soul will wear a Tshirt that says:
ALCOHOL : "Making IITians having sex ever since I graduated. "

The meaning of life. Explained all over. And a new religion!!

2009-11-30T02:24:00.002+05:30

The greatest question mankind has ever faced is going to be answered in the following few lines. So keep looking for the answer. And the answer, for all you Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy fans, is sadly not 42.
The answer is simpler, actually.
And now we wonder why? Why is it that life has turned out the way it has? Why whatever we do seems to be meaningless? Why cannot we be satisfied with what we do? Why happiness seems surreal? Why everything good lasts for only a moment, before becoming part of the mundane existence called life?
The answer to all this is an absence of religion, or a lack of permanent addiction.
Imagine being high always. Religion gives you that high.
Life is what you mean it to be. It could be distressing, fucked up and lonely, but that is because you think of it so. If you believe on the other hand, that life is good, it is good, no matter what. You just need to believe it. And hope that what you do will make things fine and make you happy. This is exactly what religion does to people. It gives them hope, a hope that life is actually not as distressing as it really is, and there is some reward somewhere. And here is the concept of the new religion based on my learnings over the past few years that I am trying to develop. Here lies the genesis of a new religion, hopefully.
After having had wondered years to find the point of a pointless life, I have come to the conclusion that life, like happiness, is a state of mind. It is pointless, and all you are here to do, is get born, work your asses off and die, and become one of the 40 billion people to have lived and died in history without anyone ever remembering you. Some people might think of it as a happy life, while others may crib about it. But whatever it is, it is your life. You can change it if you want. The funny thing is, even if you change it, life in the long run (or the very long run) will become pointless. Or atleast try to change it, and be happy for the effort. You need to be responsible for your actions and inaction, and consider the effect of your actions beforehand, instead of blaming it on some higher power. All in all, the basis of this new religion is that you need to do all you can to make yourself (and just yourself) happy. The rest of the world will take care of its own.
Having come to the conclusion that life is majorly going to be pointless, I am happy. Happy because I am not ignorant, and I am happy to realize that life is pointless. Cheers to a pointless life!!! And cheers to the philosophy of being happy! And a happy religion!

The Groucho Marx effect

2009-11-02T00:37:00.004+05:30

And I suddenly realised today, that most of my unhappiness stems from the Groucho Marx effect - the quote about "I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members".
This simple maxim has defined my life and made me unhappy. While I consider myself worthy of potentially a lot of things, what I get easily is never going to be good enough. And this defines me as a person - always wanting more, and always unhappy with what I have.
This stems largely from a dual degree of self-perception I believe. There is a part of me which knows I am a useless, worthless person and another part that believes that I am among the most intelligent people around. And this is what causes this dilemma.
So well, it has started affecting me a lot more as I have grown older. No job is good enough, and now I am actually questioning my friendships with people. Why are people my friends even though I am sick in the way I am? It might be because they are not good enough to find better friends, and hence, they are not good enough for me. And that is exactly the reason I think I can never really fall in two-sided love - because if I get the one I love, she will not be good enough anymore.
I hate myself somehow.

Yesterday was a bad day

2009-08-30T14:21:00.002+05:30

10 hours at the office. And this on a Saturday, when we are officially NOT supposed to be working. I was supposed to go to Jalandhar for a wedding - but had to miss it because I was working.

Arsenal lost to ManU. Not that I am an Arsenal fan or anything, but I hate ManU (I also hate the English Premier League, but that is another matter, and post, altogether) . Because they had a certain C. Ronaldo. And because all decisions favour them. And what to say of the refereeing? And the diving? They played well for just 3 minutes and then just defended, and in the end they won. Not a great advertisement for football, certainly.
More importantly, and tragically, Milan lost to Inter in the derby della madonnina. And the captain, Rino Gattuso, was sent off. Milan didnt just lose, they were humiliated by their blue cousins. 0-4.
Djovokic never wins against Federer. Or against Nadal or Murray for that matter.

My work life balance is screwed up- totally and completely. Which leaves just these small matches in life to really look up to. And in that too, the teams I am supporting almost always lose. Which brings me further sorrow and takes my frustrations to new levels.
You know, a learned man might tell me, "Why do you expect so much? Why is there any desire? Watch sports for the pure fun of it, desire only leads to sorrow."

I know this, but without desire then, what is the point of life? And if the point of life is desire (and correspondingly sorrow), then why celebrate it? Any answers?

In short, life is not fair.

Forza Milan! Forza Argentina!

The 2-d ZSV matrix theory

2009-08-21T03:30:00.006+05:30

(Do not judge me on the basis of this blog :D)

(The ZS company had no relation with this matrix and we apologise to use the term ZSV for this matrix. But we had no other option).
Author's note: Relationship refers to any sort of contact between a girl and a boy. A relation on the other hand is a mathematical entity connecting the x and y axis.

Imagine a 2-d matrix space in a relationship between a girl and a boy. The x-axis is represented by the girl's views on the boy while the y-axis is represented by the boy's view on the girl. Now well the girl can have two views on the boy- either she does not give to the boy or she gives (In Hindi, the language in which the concept is easiest to visualise, it translates to - degi yaa nahin degi):). The guys response then can be not take or take (loonga yaa nahin loonga).
Now for those of you who are mathematically inclined, let the girl's interpretation of the relation be represented by a binary function on the x-axis (for a particular guy) as x = 0 (nahin doongi) or 1 (doongi). Guys for whom girls have x=1 are called the lucky guys. At any particular period of time, of all the guys a girl knows, maximum of one can be the lucky guy. The boy's response can be similarly represented as a binary function on the y-axis (for that particular girl): y = 0 (nahin loonga) or y = 1 (loonga).
According to the matrix theory being developed by us here, guys can have three different kinds of relations with the girls they know, or even with the countless others they do not know. For want of anything better, we will call them Relations A, B and C. The boy can choose with which girl he wants to have what kind of relation. Depending on the relation, we refer to the girls as A-list, B-list and C-list. There is no limit on the number of girls you can have on each list.
A single guy normally chooses his relation as: y = 1 AND x. This is the Relation A. This is the most common relation for a single guy, as the other two are rather difficult to pull off. This basically means that if a girl decides to make him lucky, he will try his luck. There is no such thing as true friendship between a single guy and an A-list girl on his list. The choice (to give or not to give) is with the girl, and the guy will simply do what he is supposed to (take if given; else, you know what). This is represented by the classic Hindi statement (degi to le loonga) – which is the precursor to the matrix theory. Any girl at the time of start of the relationship is not ready to give and so has her x-value pegged at 0 – unless the guy is Tom Cruise/Brad Pitt, but we are talking about normal guys here. Then according to the relation A, as x=0, y=0. So, all relations of A type between a guy and his A-listed gal start start from a (0,0) point on the X-Y axis. The girl is not ready to give, and you can't take unless she gives (nahin degi to kaise loonga??), being the good guy you are.

On the other hand, in some cases (usually a very frustu/ evil guy, or a very hot female), the guy might decide to take things in his own hands (you pervs, always thinking dirty) and go in for a Relation B, which states that y=1(Nahin degi to bhee le loonga). Relation B is degrading to women and is the only cause of rape around the world. For the normal person, for all your fantasies about B'wood and H'wood actresses and what not, this remains a hypothetical scenario. For the rapists though, this might not be that hypothetical - or else there would not be any rape. You don’t have to be lucky in this case to get “it”.
So now, you might ask, if the relation A starts from (0,0) why do most single men choose this relation? Because, my friend, this is the only relation (other than the morally corrupt relation B), which can take you to the promised land of (1,1). The only way then is for the guy to convince the girl that he is right man for her. Call it flirting, true love or anything. This is the final deal. She gives and you take - perfect happiness. Different people have different modes to achieve this. The only difference is about how people go about it. Some people are the "bang bang, thank you mam" kinds. Their time horizon for the advent is pretty less, even with the hot girls. They are somehow easily able to get lucky. On the other end of the spectrum, are the losers, who take the longer friendship route, which actually ends up, after endless heartbreaks, where it starts (on x=0). Somehow, they still never learn!!
Our experience shows that to get yourself lucky, you need to either have the money, or the looks, or in the absence of both of the above, she should be sufficiently drunk. Or if you are smart enough, you could make her fall in love with you. In any case, once she makes you lucky, you get lucky.
So while relationship A generally holds for normal single guys, it fails for other categories of guys. A gay guy, for example, will have the following relation towards all women: y=0. This is the relation C. (Main kisi ki nahin loonga). Relation C assures that there can actually be no relationship possible.
Now well the only difficulty in the entire argument is that unlike the guy, who can have Relation A with many girls, for a girl, at a single time, only one guy can get lucky. (For those of you with dirty fantasies, we are talking of normal guys and girls here). So if you have decided on a relation A with a committed female, it can have a very small probability to succeed. You will have to engineer to make her present flame unlucky and then work hard to make yourself lucky. Too tough!! So it is much better to leave the committed girls on your relation C framework. Some people have a charm in this too, though, especially with the soon to be married women.

For a hetero guy interacting with someone he doesn't fancy (For you losers, this is possible - This is applicable for all happily committed men with all other women (mujhe jo tum mil gaye ho, ab mujhe aur koi degi bhee to nahin looonga), or even for the losers with ugly women - with ugly, I mean the really ugly kinds) Relationship C holds (Yeh to mujhe bilkul acchee nahin lagtee, agar degi to bhee nahin loonga). This explains why Irfan Pathan refused the advances of the girl who approached him -after his public engagement, he had placed all women in relation C.
For a normal, single guy with a hot, committed friend (this is a tough one) - either she can come in the ugly category (if she is committed to your friend - and you ARE BOUND to follow the bro code), which means from your side it should change to relation C; or, if she is committed to someone you do not know and the bro code does not apply, you can still try your luck and keep up the Relation A- but then the entire work is tough.
We are still waiting to streamline the matrix further:

FAQ: Is change in listing allowed once a guy has decided?
Yes, but only in abnormal circumstances. Like when a committed female has a break up she can go from C to A. On the other hand, when a ugly female (who is normally in your C-list) gets really drunk, because then the chances of you becoming the lucky guy increase, but you can only change her from C-list to A-list ONLY if you are above 37 years of age, and yet a virgin. In that case, if a soon-to-be-married woman needs a final fling before marriage, and because you are the first person you see, she can be dropped from the C-list (she was in the C-list because of the bro code) and put on the A-list. This defies the bro code, but well, if you are a 37 year old virgin because of the bro code, fuck the bro code.

(Illustrations added for better understanding).

And here we go again

2009-08-10T02:48:00.004+05:30

I am really apologetic for not putting anything of note down since the last one year. The past year has been a pretty good one- in most respects, anyways.
In many ways it has been a year of contradictions more than anything else. There have been times when I have loved my job and there have been times when I have absolutely hated it. I have been busier than I have ever been, and even then, I have managed to find enough free time. I have made new friends and caught up with many old ones, and yet have found myself pretty alone more often than not. Have probably stayed up sober more number of days in the year than ever, but have had worse blackouts on certain days.
All in all, the start of the second half of the year is a good time to take stock of the last year gone by. And this is where I begin - life has become pretty mundane: go to office, come back, play PS2, watch a bit of TV, waste time on comp, and then sleep for another day. On weekends too, it remains the same (yep even the office going part, mostly :(), except that I drink/party on Friday, Saturday and Sunday. And yeah, read some books. In fact, make it "read a lot of books."
While the time for introspection has been pretty less, when I have, it has yielded new facts about myself, a few important ones of which are mentioned below:
a) I hate/am scared of the very concept of marriage/relationship: Friends around me are planning to get married, but I am scared of making any commitment yet. I am unable to see the point of it all - devoting your life to one person is such a waste of a good life. One reason could be the complete absence from my life of that entire love thing, whatever that means. And it might also be that I have internalised this hate for relationships/ commitment as I know no woman is going to find me attractive enough to love me (or commit to me). I do not know what it is, but I definitely do know that women as objects of lust appear more appealing than as objects of love – and as objects of lust is what I see them as now, especially while partying in places like Hard Rock Café and Howzzat. I have also started believing that there is no such thing as true love - and that it is just a name for endless compromises that people make in order to remove their loneliness. This concept is a drastic change from when I started this blog - I was a true romantic then, believing in love more than anything else. Moreover, I have grown out to be too self centered to actually think about making sacrifices in a relationship, like my friends do. One point in time I was probably ready to make sacrifices, but not anymore - and as I have realised this is probably a good way to live your life. But somehow, sometimes, I do feel terribly alone.
b) I am generally low on enthusiasm: I used to be a fairly enthusiastic child and college student, but now I have lost all enthusiasm. The motivation to do well in face of challenges has gone. I have come to hate responsibility as I am unable to motivate myself when given responsibility. Which is probably the reason for me hating my job - it places too much responsibility on me. This might also explain why I do not want the responsibility of a relationship or marriage – I am afraid I will not be able to motivate myself enough to carry it forward. The more the responsibility on me, the less keenly I work nowadays. I know it’s not a thing to brag about, but this is what it is. I generally laugh at people who show too much enthusiasm for life, or their work, or even their relationships; but sometimes, I do feel guilty for the enthusiastic me, who I have killed somewhere in the time past.
c) People bore me after a particular time, which is why when someone gets too close to me, I try stupid things in order to alienate them. I do not want to become best friend to people – as the burden is too much to bear. Hence, I become less nice to people who start knowing me better – eventually leading to estrangement. And the funny thing is, I do not miss the people who go, as new people always enter into my life. And then the whole cycle repeats itself. You know the Karma and all. But sometimes you do begin to feel guilty for seeing yourself with 20 good friends, none of whom consider you as the best friend. And then you feel alone, real alone.
But there is nothing you can do, and life, in general, is pretty good, except for the times you realize how lonely you have been. I am what I am, though. This is what is life, I guess.

And we are back folks!!!

2008-11-17T08:23:00.007+05:30

Even though its been awaited
Its been a long time since I have been updated
So I have ventured out without permission
to complete this mission

Hello everyone,
This is the blog (me, myself and I residing at www.anakinturnsevil.blogspot.com). We met around six months ago, if you do remember. It was the 100th post on me, and I posted it, for my master was too busy and too happy to write anything. And wasn't I proud?
I am glad to meet you again, only for the second time. And I am sorry for keeping you waiting, but as always, it was my master's fault, and not mine. I do think you do know him too, don't you? If you don't, by some chance, he is called Zubin, and is a much-below-average IIT-IIM chap working as a consultant. He is still single, but if I was a girl, I am not really sure, whether I would like him or not. And though he is my master, I don't really know whether I like him or not. It is a horrible thought, for Zubin is mostly harmless and good to me, and to everyone around him, but I can't help my thoughts, can I? He is my creator, so I guess I should like him, but then he has abandoned me for the past four months, and I know people coming up to me and being disappointed to see the same old me, and I hate him for disappointing people. Four months is a long, long time to be locked up and not being updated. You know, I hear India has even won a gold medal in the Olympics. And Vishwanathan Anand has become the undisputed chess champion. India has cruised over Australia 2-0 in four tests. You see, unlike my master, I am deeply patriotic. And across the world, Obama has become the new president-elect of the US of A. How romantic, no? A rags to riches story. I am not too sure Zubin likes him much, but I love him. And Lehman Brothers has collapsed, how tragic - even though I always thought these guys made too much money, I won't rejoice in the fall of the big capitalistic society. So well, I hear so much, and now I do have to speak as well.
So now I have decided to take matters in my own hand, whether he likes it or not. For well, he just has not been able to write anything the past four months. To give him credit, he genuinely lacked time, and sometimes when he did try, he just could not write. Not that he did not have topics to write about - the past six months of his life have been the most happening, or so I do guess.
Zubin loves to complain about things. About most things anyways. And if you have been reading the posts on me, (oh poor me), you do know what I mean. It is not as if his life is bad, as he would like you to believe. It is pretty good, I think. What else can you ask for someone who has been one of the least performers wherever he has been the past 7 years? Three distinct groups of good friends, a nice job with a nice team and good money, and plenty of female company.
So what is his problem, exactly? Someone tell me please.
He is a frustrated mean bugger if u ask me. He thinks about what all he could have achieved had he put in effort during IIT and IIM. He believes his ROI is high - which is true, and which he deems is an explanation for the fact that he is an intelligent person, a fact he is very proud of. But lets assume, that his Output is constant, and seeing his marks in courses in which he did put fight, its a pretty decent assumption. So well, had he put more fight, he would have achieved same output, and that would have made his ROI as good as those of other poor performers that we know of. But he just does not believe the truth - that he is less, and not more, talented than the average IIT-IIMian. Its time someone told him this.
And if you will advice him not to make me dirty by writing bad about our great gods and heroes from epics, please do so? I respect all of them, the Krishnas and the Bhishmas and the Pandavas and Kauravas, (okay, not so much the Kauravas, for they were evil), and he makes fun of the greatest epic ever written. That too over me. God, believe me, I am not privy to his evil. Please forgive me on judgement day. Actually, thinking about it, considering I am not a living person, (who am I? I am a blog, remember), will I have a judgement day? And is my master actually my god. Then how will he judge me? I always want him to be happy, as you know, but as he does with other people, he is unable to understand it. He has a lot less understanding about life and relationships than he would care to admit, and that is why finds ways to make him seemingly simple life complicated. Will he understand all this- Can anyone make him understand all this?
I know him well I think. Its been a love hate relationship for the past three years, but I understand I am deeply linked to him. And inspite of all this, I think I don't know him. For does he know himself? As he asked, on a post here, three years ago, Is he Cain or Abel?
And continuing that, is he happy Obama, and not McCain became the President? I think not, just as he would not been happy if McCain had become the president. Why is this all so complicated?
All Obama wants to do is change the world - make it a better place to live. So why is Zubin against him? Is it because Obama is black, or because everyone likes him? And Zubin also does not like MS Dhoni, another star I appreciate, the son of the soil. Again because everyone likes him, is it?
There are a lot of questions for a day for you to worry about,are they not?
And well, I have another one, its the last and most important one, and I have been wondering about it locked there for four months, waiting to be updated:
Can you tell me what happiness means?

About Me - Or something like it

2008-06-26T03:42:00.001+05:30

I have been wondering lately,
whether anyone knows the real me
for I find its easy to pretend and say
"This life is the best it could be"

There is nothing wrong with anything,
but still there is a feeling of something amiss
because there was a child where I am now
and sometimes its him that I really miss

Oh how he wanted to be an adult
And achieve all his hopes and wishes
Which were simple enough, to do what he wanted to do,
and earn enough money to eat Afghani Chooza and other exotic dishes

He also wished then to have sufficient money
to buy all the books he could get his hands on
And how he wanted to do something great
Like capture Wimbledon, or become a soccer icon

But knowing him, he would have actually been happy
and I guess so would have been you
doing nothing much but living in peace
and making some money by writing a bad novel or two
(Actually he liked his parents working for him)

The child that stood here is long dead,
along with all his hopes and aspirations that were born
Now if I get any money and any time
I waste it on alcohol or buying some good JJ porn

:"Why Why Why?" I ask myself sometimes
when I am feeling a bit guilty and a bit sad
Have I failed to be the adult I wanted to be
and why I have turned out to be so bad

Mahabharat 11: Kauravas vs Pandavas

2008-06-19T02:30:00.004+05:30

Before the advent of Dronacharya, the Kauravas and the Pandavas were getting their preliminary education from Guru Kripacharya. The Pandavas were as good as the Kauravas in studies, and in Bhima, Duryodhana had a match for his physical strength. And Bhima knew it too.
Being a Pandava during those times had its own advantages. They had lost their dad, Pandu - who, when you come to think of it, was not even their dad - and their mom/stepmom, Madri, and so commanded extra love wherever they went. Which meant that they could get away with whatever they did, and the Pandavas had the intelligence to use it to their own strength. Here is an example:
After another hard day at school, Duryodhana is thinking about how fast the Pandavas have caught up with him, when Bhima, the second and strongest of the Pandavas, comes up to him, takes him by the arm and whispers:
Bhima (to Duryodhana): You know, I have access to the latest Kamasutra magazine, it is an year end edition and features the best Apsaras of the year- all nude. Am arranging for a copy - Do you want it, brother?
Duryodhana: Sure, Bhima, where can I get it? I have been waiting to get a copy, but have never been able to get one myself. I dont have the contacts living in this palace. Papa never lets me go out and make new friends, and being the oldest, I am supposed to uphold family tradition and blah blah. How much do I want it, please give it to me. How much will it cost? And how do you get access to it?
Bhima: Your next two months pocket money. You know, Mother Kunti is very strict about money. She doesnt give us Pandavas half as much pocket money as Aunt Gandhari gives you. Says crap about my father being dead and all that. And yes, I have just beaten up five of your younger brothers - they are too many of them if you ask me - I dont even remember their names, but they were making a lot of noise while I was trying to eat mangoes and so I beat them. If they just say anything to uncle Dhritrashtra or Grandfather Bhishma, I will be in trouble. Do take care of that, cant you and I will give you the copy. As for your questions about procuring it, having friends in the jungle helps. You know about piracy? Thats what these guys do. But you know its still a considerable risk getting them, and I am risking that. Just for you.
Duryodhana: OK. I will explain the matter to my younger brothers. Which group was it? Was it the one with Vikarna (that is the loudest, I swear) or is the group with the naughty Sahan in it? Or wait - do you remember any number on their jerseys they were wearing.
Bhima: yeah, one of them had No. 32 written on it.
Duryodhana (after 5 minutes of counting on his fingers): Oh yeah, that was Upanandan, the 32nd Kauravas. Isnt this a cool idea Bhima - and the coolest thing about the idea is - it is mine. I have made Papa order jerseys for us. So that everyone can remember who is who. We Indians being good in maths, I thought it was a cool way to remember my brothers. They have just come in today. Check out my new No. 1 jersey. (Author's note: And when you say 22 for Kaka, you now know where the concept originated - right. They could not have remembered the names without the numbers - could they?)
Bhima: Yes, yes. Enough of this. Talk to Upananda and the rest of the gang, give me the money, and take the copy.
Duryodhana: Thanks Bhima. Dont worry about my brothers. They only do what I tell them to do. And I will tell them to keep shut. Here is the money. Meet me at the back of the blue tree in the evening - I would have talked to them by then. Don't you worry.
Bhima: Cool. Meet you at the back of the blue tree. blue tree, blue tree - and so singing Bhima goes out
(Scene shifts to inside the Kaurava palace).
Duryodhana was masturbating in the Kaurava bathroom with his new (and so far) only copy of the Kamasutra yearend edition, and there was a long line of other Kaurava princes outside, who were waiting to see what the buzz was all about. All they could here was the oohs and the aahs from Duryodhana, and at first they thought their eldest brother had a fit - before being informed by Dushasan (who was the Man Friday for the eldest brother) about what treasures Duryodhana had inside. And then everyone got into line according to their jersey numbers (which again was listed agewise). And as the line was being formed in the bathroom and outside, (for it was a very long line) suddenly in walked the elders, Bhishma, Dhritrashtra and Vidura, with the Pandavas in tow. Duryodhana's aahs and oohs were heard and were proof of the shameful act, while his other brothers were reprimanded and sent back to their rooms.
Dhritrashtra (who was blind): Yeh kya ho raha hai beta Duryodhana? (What is taking place, Duryodhana?) (This was where it all started - it was to become the blind king's most popular dialogue to his son).
Duryodhana (not knowing what to do): aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!
Bhishma : Arent you ashamed of yourself Duryodhana. Reading such magazines at your age. You are spoiling your younger brothers also. Now finish whatever you are doing soon, and come outside soon.
Duryodhana: Yes Grandpa!!!! Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!! I am just coming.
And then Duryodhana came. (Outside I mean, you perverts).
Dhritrashtra: Yeh kya ho raha hai beta Duryodhana?
Duryodhana: Am sorry Papa. You know this new edition is really hot.
Bhishma: Shut up Duryodhana. And tell me where did you get this copy. Vidura take this away ("He is the only one among us three who can use this. Dhritrashtra is blind, and as you all know, I am gay," he might have added, but he didn't).
Duryodhana: Bhima sold it to me. He got it from his jungle friends. And he even beat Upananda, Pasey, Sunaney, No. 63 and No..... (I even forget their names now papa).
Bhima: No no no no..I didnt grandpa. I dont know what he is talking about. I just heard something about a bad magazine here nearby and came to tell you - because magazines like these are a bad influence for someone like Duryodhana. I even tried to stop him, but he didnt listen. Did I not do the right thing? Why is Duryodhana attributing it to me now? Why is he taking my name?
Dhritrashtra: Yudhishtra, you always speak the truth. Is it right what Duryodhana is saying?
Yudhishtra: Why are you questioning me now Uncle? Why is my cousin trying to bring Bhima into the picture? You know our dad is dead and....
Dhritrashtra: I know and I am sorry Pandavas. Duryodhana, you are given detention for the entire month for the shameful act and for lying and putting the blame on your righteous elder cousin, you will not be served food for next 48 hours. Starve now. Your brothers will be detained for two weeks.
Duryodhana: But papa.
But by then his dad, and all the others had left. So Duryodhana went to his uncle Shakuni.

Shakuni : "What happened? Did the Pandavas make a fool of you again?"
Duryodhana: "Yes they did, mamu? But how did you know?"
Shakuni: "Hamaare jasoos is mahal ke kone kone mein hai" ("We have our spies in every corner of the palace - a dialogue that gained popularity only with Sholay some 3000 years later). And anyways, your face tells the story - every time. So what happened now."
Duryodhana finished the story.
Shakuni starts laughing at the end of it all. And then says "So he not only got your money, and beat your brothers, but also got you detained - for a month. How he fooled you!!!" Then suddenly turning grey, he whispered, "That Bhima is an evil boy - you must do something about him."
Duryodhana: "But what can I do. You always say this all the time - and he still makes me a fool, and beats up my poor brothers. And only I am strong enough to fight him. But he is my cousin, and moreover, papa and grandpa will scold me if I pick up a fight."
Shakuni : "Then just sit here talking to me and do nothing. What have your grandpa and papa given you anyways. They love the Pandavas and Bhima more than you, and there is nothing you can do about it."
Duryodhana : "Papa loves me, and grandpa too. But I am not too sure about Vidura. He is the one who is always trying to bring me down, I think"
Shakuni : "They did love you my poor nephew, before the Pandavas came to town. Now they all love the Pandavas. Noone, except me, cares about you."
Duryodhana: "I guess you are right uncle. But what should I do."
Shakuni : "All you Kauravas gather and beat him up to bully him."
Duryodhana: "That won't work, uncle. All my other brothers are afraid of him. Do not want to go near him. I am the only one who is that courageous." (Smiles, feeling proud of himself)
Shakuni : "Foolish, conceited boy you are. If you cannot beat him physically, let us teach him a lesson strategically."
Duryodhana : "How Mamaji?"
Shakuni : "A plan to get rid of Bheema I have. Are you interested?"
Duryodhan: "Yes I am"
And he whispers!!!!!

(To be continued)

The best daze of our lives

2008-05-08T11:22:00.000+05:30

(If you are a purist IIMCian, and believe everything that happens here is good, don't read it. And this is a case in point of all IIMs, and the criticism holds true, maybe truer, for other IIMs.) And so it ends. People had said this place grows on you, that these will be the best days of our lives, and I was like, "Yeah, surely. Definitely, I am surely going to love this place. What with the campus situated in the middle of nowhere, and birds who shit at you all the time. And with its evident focus only on placements and nothing else, yes by the time I pass out I will be really sorry to leave it." That, as you can probably make out was a sarcasm. But despite of everything mentioned above, I am a little sorry to leave this place. And I am going to miss it sometimes.
The first opinion of Joka as you enter its gates after a bumpy ride from the Howrah station, to be very honest, is nothing remarkable. In fact, it is the exact opposite of remarkable. While you have been told that IIM Calcutta is a bird sanctuary, with XYZ species of birds visiting it, the entire scope of that statement doesn't hit you till you see the main road of the campus littered with bird shit. And then there is the -----------. A week of intense action, when you do start hating yourself for ever being lucky enough to make it to this place.
And then came probably the most depressing session in IIMC, when people - who were fellow students like us, and probably younger - but who had managed to impress IIMC professors in interviews one year before our batch did - told us in a holier-than-thou tone, "You are here for slot 0 and nothing else." The reason they were entitled to keep this tone was because they were the Placement Coordinators - students with the maximum power in IIMC. Their statement about slot 0 basically meant that all that we did in the next two years was with an eye on the final placements. Thats the kind of place it was meant to be. Happily, and fortunately, I found many people who did not think that way. This post is a toast to them, and the wonderful time I have had because of them. This is a post dedicated to Olypub, Someplace Else, Atrium, and even Artland. This is a post dedicated to people who were just happy in being there, and did not give a more than necessary worry about what awaited them after two years.This is a post dedicated to the Flash Gordon Trophy, Quad Cricket, and general bakaiti in the NH Quad, as well as to DC++, Aara, NeoNazi, Bhatti, CoolDude, whatsinaname and all the movies, TV shows and porn availale there.
Thanks so much for making this place what it is!!!
I still hate the "I pat your back and you pat mine" attitude that screams out from this place,and the "IIMC rawks" genre of people, who are found a dime a dozen within the boundaries of Joka.
This place does not rock because it ensures you a good first job, or the chance of a great career, but it rocks despite it. That here you can still find people who are ready to get dead drunk and hear a JBS version of "Hey Jude" or an Altaf hit at 4 in the night, when there is a class at 8 in the morning. That here people will be willing to go to Olypub on the eve of a mid-term, or better, get high in their room. That here people are ready to leave aside studies and career for a few moments, and just enjoy the participation in the Quad cricket or the Flash Gordon trophy. That people can just sometimes forget the destination and enjoy the journey for what it is.
This is the biggest problem with IIM Calcutta, or any other IIM for that matter, the 2 years are just seen as a means to the end of that (point one!) million dollar salary, and not an end in themselves. So unlike engineering colleges, where all you care about in the first three (or four) years is just to enjoy life for what it is - without thinking about the future. That, unfortunately is not the case with IIMs.
So, well it feels good, that some people, for some time at least, can think about the journey more than the destination themselves, and that for sometime, whether you get a slot 0 or not does not matter.

(I might be a loser, but at least I am a whining loser!!!).

Mahabharat 10: The Advent of Drona

2008-02-13T17:06:00.014+05:30

Kripacharya and Kripi were twins of the Brahmin Shardwan and an apsara Janapadi. Contrary to other Brahmins, Shardwan was a great archer, and threatened by his valour, Indra send his apsara Janapadi to seduce him. Shradwan was hunting on the banks of the Ganga river when he noticed Janapadi. He had been immune to female form before, having his desires under control, but as soon as she saw the beautiful apsara, Shradwan lost all control, and had a big hard on. He could not control himself when the apsare came over and started touching his bare chest. What also helped was that it was soon turning dark, and these two bodies lay over one other on the weeds. Soon he was sucking her beautiful and heavy breasts, while she was giving him a hand job. Shardwan felt in heaven - literally, for he had an apsara from heaven - and soon they were into the real thing. Shardwan enjoyed every minute of it, it was his first time, and that too with an apsara!!! But while he wanted to make her his bitch, she requested him not to impregnate her, and so he had to cum all over her breasts and mouth. However, a part of his seed and the apsara's wet juices, who had been turned on by the athletic Shardwan more than any Deva, also managed to find their way into some weeds, and parted those weeds into two parts, and there - in a process which can only be defined as test tube babies - were born Kripa and Kripi, nine whole months later.
As soon as the sex was over, and Shardawan lay panting over Janapadi's naked body, Shardwan knew he had been fooled by Indra, as Brahmins lost most of their valour after being seduced by Apsaras. He then told Janapadi to go back to heaven, and resumed his archery lessons, caring nothing about the embryos they had left there in the jungle. The embryos survived rain and heat, and as soon as they were born, were picked up by Shantanu, who was passing that way - in one of those moments when he travelled along the Ganga daily after Ganga had left him. The boy Kripa became the official Guru of the Hastinapur court, while Kripi grew up to be a beautiful brahmin girl, who was married off to Drona, a Brahmin who had become famous as the greatest archery teacher of all times.
Now Drona's birth also has a peculiar story. His father Bhardwaj was a very famous sage, who was going to take a bath with his other sages, again in the river Ganga. This happened in Dehradun (which means a clay pot in Sanskrtit), where he beheld a beautiful apsara named Ghritachi who had come to bathe. Seeing her, even the sage Bhardwaj lost all control, and started masturbating. Because he was a sage who wanted to rid himself from all attractions and so was furious at himself even as he was openly masturbating seeing the apsara. And so as not to let his semen go waste, he captured his semen in a pot (Drona), read some mantra into it, and out sprang Drona - who later boasted that a woman was not even involved in making him.
Drona spent his childhood in poverty as the child of the renowned sage Bhardwaj. His father taught him Vedas, and the use of arms. Bhardwaj was also a friend of the powerful Panchala king Prishata, whose son Drupada was of almost same age as Drona. Drupada was sent to Bhardwaj's ashram as his student, and soon gained the knowledge of arms to become one of the best archers, while Drona became more engrossed in Vedas, like his father. A great friendship fostered between Drupada, who despite being a prince was very down to earth, and Drona, who was very intelligent, which Drupada appreciated. Being the students of the same teacher, Drupada even told Drona one day : "One day when I will become the king, Drona, I will give half of my kingdom to you, as a mark of our friendship. People will remember us for ages to come."
But then their education ended, and Drupada returned back to being the prince, while Drona became a sage like his father. In those days, in the absence of mobile phones and internet, it was pretty difficult to keep in touch, and so Drona only knew of Drupada's well being when a passerby told him that Drupada's father was now dead, and that Drupada was the new king, which made Drona feel happy for his friend. By this time, Drona's father, the great sage Bhardwaj, had also ascended to heaven.
The matchmakers of the area got the bachelor Drona married to Kripi, the beautiful sister of Kripa, and it was the start of a beautiful friendship between Kripa and Drona, two great teachers to be. Drona was on cloud nine after the marriage. It was his first time with a girl, and the memory of the sweet wedding night remained engrained in his mind for time to come. He had never been told the secrets of a woman's pleasure by his father, so he continued to explore the body of his new wife, and was happy. He soon became a father, exactly nine months after his wedding night. The boy child was beautiful but neighed like a horse instead of crying out when he came out of his mother's womb, at which an aakashwani was heard : "This boy neighed like a horse, so name him Ashwathama." In those days, aakashwanis were as sacrosanct as deadlines are in IIMC today, so it was followed.
It was love at first sight. Drona could never imagine any child as beautiful as his own. As time progressed, Ashwathama looked up to his father, a fact that made him very happy (in fact the only fact that made him happy) : for lets face it, Drona, for all his knowledge of Vedas and the arms, was a LOSER, who still made up his living mostly by begging for alms. He did not want to take ordinary students in his gurukul, and the admission criteria being very tough, and he did not get students in his gurukul like his father used to. So he made ends meet mostly by begging and hunting and his wife, who had given up her palatial status, was always reminding him about his poverty after the honeymoon ended. So the day that Kripi came to know that Parshuram, the renowned teacher, was giving away all his possessions, she sent Drona to ask him for his money - for Parshuram was a very rich sage. However, by the time Drona reached, all of his worldly possessions were taken and Parshuram was left with was weapons and his knowledge of those weapons. He didn't take students easily, but Drona was said to be a pretty fast learner, and so he asked Drona if he wanted his knowledge of weapons, to which Drona remembered his wife's stern words: "Don't come back unless you get something from Parshuram. Beg, borrow or steal, but do come back with something.", and therefore agreed to be Parshuram's student. Being a Brahman and having knowledge of arms from his father, Parshuram gave him all his weapons and told him his secrets and instructed him to become a great teacher. Drona went back to his village- it was a long arduous journey - feeling very happy, about getting Parshuram's weapons and his secrets, and how Parshuram had predicted that Drona will become a great teacher.
One day,Ashwathama was playing with his friends - all of whom were well to do - and saw them drinking something from a glass, and he innocently asked, "What is this?" To which his friend replied. "It is milk. It is very tasty." And Ashwathama asked,"Can I have some, never before have I tasted it", to which his friends laughed. They said, "This is finished, let us get some more for you." Now these rich kids wanted to have a bit of fun at Ashwathama's expense, so they put some water to rice, mixed it well, and told Ashwathama, "Here this is milk. Have it." And Ashwathama drank it well and with pleasure, and danced around in pleasure, saying that, "I have tasted milk - Wow." By then the entire village had gathered to watch Ashwathama antics, and villagers were whispering, "Shame on Drona, who some say has now become a great archer, but his son cannot even afford to have milk, and drinks rice water as milk." As it so happened, Drona was just coming back from Parshuram's ashram, and overheard this last comment. Drona got incensed, and was further angered, when he saw Kripi crying over the treatment meted out to their son. Kripi asked him, "I hope you got us some money", to which Drona replied, "I just got more knowledge," to which Kripi retorted, "And when has knowledge fed anybody? You know how our child was made a fool of - and look how happy he looks. Why don't you kill me and our child rather than subjecting us to such poverty and scorn!" And that, when pressed by these charges of his wife, he blurted out, "Wait - I will do whatever is in my power - I am leaving this village. Pack you bags - We are leaving for Panchal tonight. The king of Panchal, Drupad, is my best friend. He will give me half a kingdom, he has promised me. We will live in richness ever after."
And so they packed their bags, leaving their ancestral village for good, Drona, Kripi and the young Ashwathama. All along the way, Drona kept boasting to Kripi about how Drupad will treat Ashwathama as his own son; and how he will give them a welcome fit for a king. Kripi was impressed by the talk- but had a lurking suspicion something would go wrong. And it did - horribly wrong. Drupad had just got married to a gorgeous princess, and all his time was spent having sex with her, or drinking - and he liked living life on a high. He had also grown proud of his immense wealth and his valour - for he had made the Panchal nation stronger than any other in the whole of Bharat. Also on that particular day - he had a bit more sex and a bit more alcohol, and he felt very high. So when Drona came up to his darbar, and said, "Friend - remember me - I am your friend Drona, welcome me, amigo.", Drupad just laughed, and taking the cue, the rest of the darbar, laughed with him. When the laughter stopped , Drupad told Drona, "Surely you are a fool, for you say that you are my friend, for only a fool will make such a statement. We might have been friends once - but then we were similar for we were students. A king cannot be friend with an unworthy and poor Brahman like you. There can be no friendship being strong and weak, being wise and foolish, and as time conquers all, it has also conquered our friendship, so I am no longer a friend. Hence do not address me as your friend, but ask for alms as an ordinary Brahman, and I will let you have whatever you want." Drona was speechless with anger. He was not a man of many ambitions, but this insult left him fuming, and without saying a word, he took his wife and son and walked out of the court- his mind burning with desire for revenge. He thought of a plan - and told Kripi and Ashwathama, that they were going to visit her brother Kripacharya, and off they went to Hastinapur.

The 100th post - A time for introspection

2008-01-23T20:53:00.000+05:30

"In a Galaxy far, far away." - This is my favourite line, and for obvious reasons.

I was created on 27th May, 2005, because - well I am not really sure why I was created, after all my creator never told me. I am not very sure he knows too (and between you and me, even if he did, he would have probably forgotten it by now, what will all the alcohol problem that he has had - and you know what they say about alcohol and memory, right?). But I am again going off the main point - which as many of my friends say is my main problem (there I do it again, I am so sorry, I just can't help it, can I?). Now the main point is this - I am here to introduce myself to you. And I could not think of a better way to start than by mentioning when I was created - so that you can work out my correct age, and pardon me if I seem a bit childish - because I am still just two years old.
Oops, but by now you must be wondering who am I for I haven't really told you my name. I am "Me, myself and I", the blog you stare at whenever you type www.anakinturnsevil.blogspot.com on your internet browser. Now, as my creator explained painstakingly to me the other day - we were celebrating our ninety nine posts together - www.anakinturnsevil.blogspot.com is the internet address where I live, and you have to come there to meet me. My creator - he is called Zubin, by the way, and I think it is a very strange name, but who am I to judge? - also tells me that my name lets other people know that I am his image in the internet world. Now I find it hard to understand this concept, for how can I be his reflection - for I am a separate entity, which I told him. Then he explained to me that I had no mind of my own - hello- and that I was just a collection of posts which his own mind thinks of and pens down - haha, he said pens down, which made me laugh, because I was like, you don't pen it down, you type it, and he said he used to term as a figure of speech. This angered him, somehow, he said he was going through a lot of stress, and that without him, I am nothing, and that he can any time leave me and start on a new blog, abandoning me altogether, and the thought made me tremble. So I apologised to him for laughing, and he continued, that I wasn't able to think and hence unable to come up with anything to do for myself without him. And I told him - "Sir - for I have to call him sir, after all he has created me - please give me a chance to prove you wrong. I have a mind, and its time you know that. "(You see, I don't, and can't do anything without approval from him, but to say I don't have a mind - that is rude, don't you think?). And he grew angry again at my insolence, and closed my door (shut off his computer), but two days ago, he was very happy, and told me - "I am very happy today, and so make you an offer. I am letting your thoughts - if you have any, even though I don't believe so - to appear on you. The next post on this blog (which meant me) will be your thoughts. I want a break from the Mahabharat series I am doing anyways, and I have no time for introspection. After all, I just got a job. Its time to party - so write a post and publish it. And just to make people happy, I will write the subject line." And he went out of the room, and hasn't returned to me yet. Must be partying.
So well, I finally get a chance to talk to all you people out there, just you and me, without that Zubin and his thoughts in between. It is a big moment for me, and I am sure, for you as well to meet the real me. So I made a small poem for the occasion. Hope it goes well with you:

We meet here for the first time,
Just you and me, without those extra, stupid thoughts,
and you can confirm I have a splendid mind,
for I just made up this brilliant note.
I am sure this is brilliant for a two year old, but you have got to confirm it.
So tell me, isn't this nice? It is short and sweet, right?
(My friends say brevity is not my cup of tea, so I had to give it to them in their face).

Now that we have broken the ice, let us talk about other things. Well, the only things you have known about me, have been things that Zubin has told you. It might or might not be true.
For example, did you know that Zubin is prone to delete the entire post after he has written it - but before publishing. He has done it a lot of times before and I am sure going to finish it in one go - so as not to give him a chance to change his mind, which he does regularly. And has he told you he is more comfortable with his parents now than he has been for the past one quarter of a century. Or that he thinks of girls as nothing more than sexual and dancing objects now - which is in part a good thing, I will have to admit - because he has been heartbroken a lot of times before. And that he considers himself to be very lucky to be able to get along into the best institutes without knowing anything at all. And that he is finally happy with himself, and at peace with the world, especially after getting a pretty decent job offer.
But much about him. This post is about me, and as I was saying, this is also my 100th post. I feel great today and complete. When I was created, I had no idea I will come so far. Zubin has many times threatened me with deletion, and has ignored me a lot in the past as well. But I hold no grudges against him. He has me as a friend when all other friends have left him, and I guess he knows it, that is why he takes me for granted. But today, I am sure he feels as happy for my 100th post as I feel for him getting a job.
I have been through a lot in the past 99 posts you know. I haven't really liked being posted about our ancestors and gods made to be sex-hungry animals. Nor I have liked the use of such words as f*** on myself. Neither have I liked people stopping to read me because it depressed them. But well, I am my creator's creation, and I have to just be a medium for his thoughts, and I cannot really complain. I have borne the brunt of his mood swings, and been the paper for his sexual Mahabharat. I have also been his confidante in matters of love, and about life. Now that I think about it - he is very philosophical.
But I guess all that is changing now. I am hoping I go into a new level as far as my reading audience is concerned, and that people like what they read when they type my name on the internet browser. I am funny now, and humorous, and sexy. People tell Zubin, who tells me, that they like me, and I am happy about that. I am tired now though because it has been a long and arduous journey I have been through suicidal posts as well, and posts which say foolish things like "Love makes a world go around" - which I think is totally stupid, personally - and posts which talk about life at IIT - which is a rather loser place, I must say, even though he will blow at the idea. I have posts about nightclubs in US and France, and also parties at IIMC - which just scores below IIT on the cool scale, which is not saying anything at all- and all these have just made me realize that let me enjoy the present cool phase while I can.
You never know when his mood can change. So here is to a happy and satisfied me, and a funny and humorous me. And let us continue the sexy Mahabharat, for the benefits of the general public. And from now on, having proved I have my own mind, I will try telling him to get better when he feels low. And if you liked the poem above, here is more:

So here I complete a hundred posts,
wow - and am so happy about the fact
and am hopeful I continue to attract,
your comments, so that I don't feel morose.
Its also been great meeting you today,
while hoping you feel the same too,
and even though I don't know you,
I was waiting for this from my very first day.
Thanks for helping me reach this landmark,
for if it wasn't for your sweet appreciation,
Zubin would have left me for cancellation,
and I would have lost all my spark.
So, dear reader, I would like you to tell Zubin this,
that his blog has a mind of its own,
its a mind that has fast grown,
and will soon probably be maturer than his.

Mahabharata 9: The Kauravas and the Pandavas - 2

2008-01-10T16:23:00.000+05:30

Kunti was sad. The jungle life didn't quite go with her. She was a city girl, who loved parties and the adulation of the public. Even the birth of her three children, Yudhishtra, Bhima and Arjuna, had been unable to give her life a meaning. She still often brooded about her eldest son, Karna, the son of the Sun-God, Surya, whom she had thrown into the river for fear of someone finding out about her affair with the God, for pre-marital sex was banned at that time. She knew that there was a very small chance of him still being alive, but she knew somehow (mother's instinct) that he was still alive, and moreover, doing well for himself. And she also knew that his armour and earrings distinguish her eldest son from anyone else on earth, and if she were to ever see him, she would recognize him at once. "And then what would I do?" she often wondered, and she never could come up with the answer.
Meanwhile, the Pandavas were growing up hale and hearty, and Pandu was still making along by masturabating for sex was a strict no-no. To tease him, Madri and Kunti were acting more and more like lesbian partners. Pandu, being pained by Madri's confession that she had not one, but two Gods inside her at the same time (which lead to the birth of Nakul and Sahadeva, the twins) had banned any more sex for both Madri and Kunti, which led them to seek each other. The Pandavas were being taught by the sadhus in the jungle, and their mothers saw to it that they knew that the Hastinapur kingdom was technically theirs for the taking, for their father (foster-father) was the king of Hastinapur, fallen upon bad days. And so the years passed.
Till the day Pandu lost it. Quite literally. It was the twelfth birthday of Arjuna, and the entire family was busy with the birthday celebration. Madri was looking really sexy in her new dress, and Kunti too, as always, but Pandu was really sad. He had been denied sex for so long, and while he had taken to masturbation a lot, it wasn't quite the real thing. The entire family was busy in cutting the cake and feeding the sadhus. The lustful eyes with which the sadhus were lechering at his two wives, made him even sadder. And the body language of Madri and Kunti also showed him that even they didn't mind the passes being made by the sadhus, through their double meaning sentences, (such as "tumhara doodh bahut accha hai", at which Kunti just said, "Aur piyo rishiji, humaare pati to ab hamara doodh pee hee nahin sakte", and they all had laughed, all except Pandu, who felt humiliated). He was being made the cuckold here, and he certainly did not like it. "Keep some standard, women" he wanted to shout out to his two wives, who, as far as he knew, only had sex before with him or gods (leaving aside Kunti with Vidur, of course, but even Vidur was a god incarnate according to Ved Vyasa), and stooping themselves to saadhus' would bring disgrace to the family. But seeing the lust in the brahmins' eyes also turned him pretty horny. He could see what all was he missing - the figures of his two wives had not changed much even after giving births - and he knew at that moment, that he wanted sex. Taking Madri by her waist, he took her into the bedroom and kissed her. Madri was overcome with this show of emotion by Pandu, and while her flesh was willing to go the full distance - it had been 11 long years since she last had sex- she calmed herself, and told Pandu to stop. "Please stop, dear husband - or you will die." Pandu: "But I can't, and this life is not worth living after all. I prefer death to such a life - and what better way to die than in the arms of ones beloved. So come lets fuck." And he starts sucking those wonderful globes. Madri: "But this is wrong hubby. I can't be the reason for you to die. mmm...but it feels so good, keep doing it. Don't stop." And as you can guess now, Madri had sex for the first time after 11 years, while Pandu had after 16 long years. They had soon gotten naked and enjoyed many sexual positions, forgetting all about the curse Pandu was under. It was the best sex anyone had ever enjoyed, and Madri was still moaning "harder, harder" when Pandu's face suddenly went white. He had sweat spots on his face, and he had fallen dead while ejaculating into Madri. Madri let out a huge cry, "Kunti Didi" which made Kunti leave the celebrations and run into the bedroom, to see Madri in bed with her husband who was now dead.
Kunti:"Husband, what has happened? Bitch, what have you done?" (Starts crying).
Madri: "I am sorry, but I just could not stop myself - or him. I am really sorry. Forgive me sister."
Kunti: "Now who will care for us now? What will we do without a husband?"
Madri: "Didi, let us prepare the funeral site. I, being responsible for Pandu's death, will burn along with it. But promise me, Didi, that you will take care of Nakul and Sahadev as your own sons."
Kunti: "Pandu has already left me. Now you want to leave too. But what will I do without you two? I am sorry for calling you a bitch - please don't leave me. Just be here, and we can think of something."
Madri: "Didi, I am sorry, but I cannot bear the guilt of being responsible for his death. So let me go as well. And please promise me."
Kunti: "I promise Madri, but tell me - how did he feel after all these years? You were lucky I must say, for having seen Pandu in his greatest glory after so long."
Madri:"He was great sister, it was so much fun, and after having had experienced it, it is better to die than to live, and so let me burn along with my husband."
And so Madri sits on the funeral pyre along with the body of her deceased husband, and burns alive. This was later mouldedd into the tradition of Sati in India.
Hearing about Pandu's death and Madri's subsequent sati, the entire Hastinapur clan was mournful. Pandu had been apparently a great king, grandson, son, nephew, brother and husband. After the mourning period was over, Bhishma himself went to Kunti in the jungle and told her to come back to the Hastinapur palace along with the five Pandavas, to take their rightful place as princes. So Kunti came back to the Hastinapur palace, to live as a queen, and the five Pandavas, got some new friends - their Kaurava cousins. Pandavas and their mother got a new apartment within the palace walls, and enjoyed the change from the forest life they were used to.
Meanwhile, all the Kauravas were deeply influenced by their big brother, Duryodhana - all except Yuyutsu, the step-brother. Meanwhile, Duryodhana himself was under the spell of his maternal uncle, Shakuni, who had told him all this while, that being the eldest son of the eldest son (Dhritrashtra) Duryodhana deserved to be the new king of Hastinapur after his father. And all of Shakuni's efforts were towards making Duryodhana believe it himself. Duryodhana for his part showed signs of greatness even when he was quite young. The training of the Kauravas started early - when they were just twelve infact - and Duryodhana was easily the best among them. The training was conducted by Kripacharya, the in-house teacher who had also taught Dhritrashtra, Pandu and Vidura. Kripacharya also had a sister, Kripi, who was married to the great teacher, Drona.
So when the Pandavas joined the Kauravas, Bhishma suggested that the Pandavas train too under Kripacharya, and they did. Duryodhana, who never before had any competition to his stature as the best, could not get used to the idea of someone surpassing him, which is what Yudhishtra did in the political sciences department, while Bhima beat him in strength. Moreover, Duryodhana could not quite come to terms with the fact that while earlier he was the adored one, the affections of his parents and grandparents, and even great grandmother Satyavati were divided among the Kauravas and the Pandavas. Only Shakuni, his maternal uncle, loved him as much as before, he thought. And as the others withdrew from him, he grew closer to Shakuni, whose mind was still on defeating Bhishma, and in Duryodhana, he finally had a weapon. And there lay the seed of the discord, which ultimately led to the Mahabharat.

Mahabharata 8: The birth of Krishna

2007-12-12T19:33:00.000+05:30

While all the sex was happening in the Paurava side of the Yayati family, the Yadavas were not too behind. The Yadavas had broken down into many different families of their own by the time of the Mahabharat. One of these families was the kingdom of Mathura, run by King Ugrasen, and by his son Kamsa. The other prominent Yadav family was that of King Shoorsen (the real father of Kunti), and his son Vasudeva. Vasudeva had many wives, and was a good friend of Kamsa, who was a great warrior but was also a cruel ruler. He was also terribly lazy, so instead of the hunting ploy used by the Hastinapur kings, Kamsa used to devour the tastiest virgins of his kingdom by force in his own palace, sending his soldiers out to get them. And is it turns out, he was not very smart or anything, and he really liked to torture his 'catch' during the entire night. The citizens of the kingdom were often tortured, and their daughters were always in danger of being raped, but the king Ugrasen could do nothing about preventing his son's growing power. Kamsa, to his credit, had positioned Mathura as the dominant Yadava kingdom, and his marriage to the daughters of Jarasandha, the powerful king of Magadha, had managed to make him even more powerful. All Yadavas were afraid of him and the torture he meted out to those against him. So Vasudeva decided, in the interest of all the Yadavas to tell him that enough was enough, and that he should stop being such a tyrant on his citizens.
The Yadavas had the custom of having many wives. Vasudeva was a much married man (he already had seven other wives and had a good time - Yadavas, unlike the Pauravas believed in polygamy) and while he waited for a one to one with Kamsa on the matter of his cruelty, chanced to see Kamsa's cousin Devaki, barely eighteen then, (and from what we hear - pretty hot and sexy) and got a good hard-on seeing her. Knowing however, that he was not a Tom Cruise, when Kamsa finally came (after raping another virgin, he told him , "You know Kamsa, we have been such great friends. Why don't we become relatives as well."
Kamsa:"That's great. Which of your sisters can I marry? I have heard a lot about Kunti, the one your father gave away. Heard she has turned into a great beauty. It will be great to have her." Vasudeva: "No, no, Kamsa, I cannot get Kunti married. She is now the adopted daughter of Kuntibhoja, but..."
Kamsa: "..What about your other sisters then? Can't I marry any of them? They are all hot, from what I hear."
Vasudeva: "But they all are already married. And moreover, I came to talk about my marriage, not yours."
Kamsa: "Your marriage? But you are already married, and that too seven times, aren't you, while I am married only twice - and that too largely being political wedocks - to the daughters of Jaransadha? What are you proposing though, by the way?"
Vasudeva: "You know about your cousin, the daughter of your father's younger brother, Devaki. Has not she just turned eighteeen? And what better husband for her than your very good friend, me. I will keep her so happy (and she will keep me so happy as well), and it will be a grand wedding. Moreover, the kingdoms of Shoorsen and Ugrasen will unite."
Kamsa (pondering for a while): "What you say makes sense, Vasudeva. We can arrange for your marriage to Devaki. Is it why you came all the way? To ask for Devaki's hand?"
Vasudeva: "And there is another small matter, Kamsa. The citizens of your kingdom are tired. You are all powerful, as you are, but could you be a little less cruel to your subjects?"
Kamsa: "Are you telling me to change my intrinsic nature? Then that is not possible. And the marriage can be re-negotiated if you want."
Vasudeva: "No no, forget it. I had come to ask for Devaki's hand."
Kamsa: "It is yours, my friend - and infact is all of her body (evil grin). Let us have a grand wedding."
Vasudeva: "But what about Devaki's consent. Will she agree?"
Kamsa: "How does her consent matter? She will marry wherever I tell her to marry, and that's that. " (Calls his minister): "Begin the preparation for the grand wedding."
And so there was a great wedding. Kamsa proved to be the ideal brother, hosting the lavish affair. It is said it could put Laxmi Niwas Mittal's daughter marriage to shame. Great many maidens were given as gifts to the guests, and all citizens of Mathura were to provide all their produce to cater for the wedding. All was going well for Vasudeva - the wedding was complete, and Kamsa was drawing the chariot to take the two when tragedy stuck, through an Aakashwani, which said: "Kamsa, the eighth son of Devaki will be a cause of your downfall." Hearing this, Kamsa pulled out his sword and proceeded to kill Devaki herself, but was stopped by Vasudeva, who promised to send the eighth born of Devaki to Kamsa as soon as he was born, for Kamsa to kill him. However, Kamsa, being the cruel ruler that he was, also demanded that all of Devaki's sons be brought to him, which was agreed to immediately by the horny Vasudeva.

Anything I can do to let me screw your cousin sister." And so off they went, Devaki and Vasudeva, to the kingdom of Shoorsen, where Devaki lived as the eighth wife of Vasudeva. And though Vasudeva divided his time among his wives, he was a bit more affectionate towards Devaki, who got pregnant in quick time. A son was born, who was carried off to Kamsa, who mercilessly killed the child. As time went by, Kamsa got more and more threatened by the yet to be born child, and killed off six of Devaki's sons, as soon as they were born. By this time, Kamsa had also managed to annex Shoorsen's and other Yadavas kingdoms for himself. He even took full control of the kingdom of Mathura, taking his own father as a prisoner and also made Vasudeva and Devaki prisoners. He had them put under the darkest cell of his prison, and had his best security guards to guard them from escaping. What really rattles everyone in this story is, as to why did he allow Devaki and Vasudeva to be together all this while - to let them produce six offsprings? Well, after much research, I have come to the conclusion that the Aakashwani mentioned just Devaki's son and she might have had other kids, who were not technically Vasudeva's. You get what I mean, right? So well, Kamsa was not as stupid as might look at first sight. He allowed them their pleasures, but kept his eye firmly on Devaki's stomach. (That's a metaphor, btw). And so there were news that Devaki was pregnant with her seventh child, but with a bit of divine intervention involved, the womb was transferred from Devaki to Rohini, the eldest of Vasudeva's wives, who had escaped Kamsa's rage by living as a common villager in Nand Gaon, a suburb of Mathura. (Heard of surrogate mothers- we Indians had it all before the west even started). Meanwhile it was reported to Kamsa that Devaki's seventh child was born dead. As it turned out, the kid that grew up in Rohini's womb grew up to be Balarama, considered to be an incarnation of the SheshNag. Meanwhile, Devaki got impregnated again (with the eighth child), around the same time that Kunti was carrying Arjun in her womb, and this time the kid was born in the prison itself, but somehow (with divine help again) managed to escape from prison as soon as he was born. He was taken by Vasudeva, (who came back to the prison to decieve Kamsa) , to the house of Nand in Nand Gaon, where he was named Krishna, and adopted by Nand's wife, Yashodha. Krishna is believed by many to be an incarnation of the God Vishnu himself. As it passed, Kamsa knew he had been fooled, and went on a manhunt to capture Krishna, and sent many demons as well, but Krishna, helped by Balarama, managed to kill them all, and finally killed Kamsa himself - to fulfil the prophecy. And Ugrasen again became the new king of Mathura, while Krishna and Balarama became princes. Order was restored - for now. Krishna and Balarama grew up as Yadava princes, the cousins of Pandavas through Kunti.

Mahabharata 7 : The Kauravas and the Pandavas

2007-11-27T20:22:00.000+05:30

Remember the saying "Jungle mein Mangal". Now, Mangal refers to the planet Mars and Tuesday which as all astrologers will tell you, refers to number 3. Tuesday is the third day of the week, Mars is the third nearest planet from the sun (excluding Earth), and is also the third smallest planet. So well the origin of the saying is also from the Mahabharat, or rather the fest that I am not going to describe here, as children and girls might be reading this, but to cater to the larger male dominated market, let me just say that Pandu, Madri and Kunti indulged in positions which made it to the new edition of Kamasutra because even the sages had not thought of them. (For all those of you who think that Vatsyayana wrote the Kamasutra, here is the truth - Kamasutra was a magazine long before Vatsyayana, compiled by sages. Vatsayana just brought out a bounded cover copy of the same, a long time after Mahabharat, and rated these new positions - of threesome with two innovative women and a man- the highest). All this while, because Kunti and Madri were still below 20 (which was considered the healthy age for a girl to get pregnant), Pandu wore a condom. All this sex was acting as a relaxant after all those conquests and battles, and Pandu was ready to go back to rule his kingdom, when tragedy stuck. One day, while hunting (and contrary to his forefathers - Pandu hunted only for the thrill of killing animals, for he had the two sexiest beauties waiting for him back home), Pandu saw this mating deer couple. Now, as the relationship between Pandu and his two wives was so sex-crazy, Pandu thought a dead dear couple mating in the bedroom would be a good simulant to have sex (no they did not have 7x porn those days, but people's preference have not changed since), and so decided to kill them both with one arrow. As soon as the arrow stuck the deer and doe, however, they changed form, revealing a sage mating with his wife. (Sages knew a lot those days - they could change form as wll, in case you were wondering), and yells of human pain and suffering filled the entire jungle. Pandu was shocked, and as soon as he reached the sage begged for forgiveness. But the sage was livid and dying, along with his wife, and it is very difficult to placate an angry sage, dying or otherwise. And here comes the most sex filled last words ever.
Sage : O Pandu, I was mating with my wife, because she was feeling horny (now, you know where does that word come from - horny means with horns). We try sex turning into different animals, and it was always great. But you have ruined it.
Pandu: Sir, I am really sorry, I did not know you were a sage, I thought you were but a deer and doe mating, and there are no anti-poaching laws yet (and even if they are, I will repeal them), but can you teach me how to do this - i will turn into a horse - for obvious reasons.
Sage: Fuck you, Pandu (Or wait, Never fuck you!). You killed me at my most intimate moment with my wife. I am dying Pandu, and all because of you. Because I am a sage and I have the power to do it, let me curse you. I curse you that, because you killed me when I was having sex with my wife, the next time you have sex with yours - no wait, not your wife, but rather any woman - you will get a heart attack and die. And I even include kissing.
Pandu: No sir, I am really sorry, but I did it inadvertently. Please don't let me through this. I will die.
Sage : That is the whole point dude. (and so dies the sage, along with his wife).
Pandu gets back, tells his wives the whole story and says - "now what is the point in living, I will rather die. I don't want to go back to my kingdom. I will spend the rest of my life here. No sex, no life, and what will I do. And I cannot even fuck you two beauties anymore. So you too can leave now if you want - but I have decided I like it better here. It is healthy and moreover, I can cancel that deal with Vidur".
Kunti :"Which deal?"
Pandu :"Well it was nothing, but I have decided, I am staying here. You two can decide for yourself, but it will be better if you leave and take new husbands - I will myself vouch for your talent as loving and caring wives, with extra stress on loving (Wink)."
Kunti: "bastard, you fucked us both. Metaphorically, I mean. What will we do? We can leave you but then who else will marry us? Everyone prefers virgins, not divorced women like us. So what do we do - We married the MEB of his time, and now see. Hey God, why do I have to go through all this? Help me."
All Gods (Together): "which one is she calling - Do we all go?"
Sun God :"This is not the mantra, you horny bastards. The mantra is in Sanskrit. You will know when you are called. Right now, she is just crying."
All Gods : "Oh, shit. OK"
Madri: "Kunti sister - let us stay with him. Having us around and not being able to fuck us will complicate his misery. Anyways, the way these people at Hastinapur look at me freak me out. Also I like it here - I was never much of a city girl anyways."
Kunti: "But I loved the city. This is not done. But otherwise history will call me a bitch, so I will also stay. But then who rules the kingdom?"
Pandu: "My elder brother, Dhritrashtra of course. I will send a telegram soon telling them we are not coming back. Make Dhritrashtra the king. Anyway I am not going to have any sons now."
The news was recieved in Hastinapur with mixed emotions. While Dhritrashtra was very happy, Vidura was sad. Bhishma and the other elders decided that everything happens for the best and made Dhritrashtra the king and Gandhari the queen of Hastinapur.
Meanwhile in the jungle, Vidur came visiting Pandu, and reminded him of the deal. Pandu said "but now I am no longer the king, and so the deal stands cancelled. "
Vidur:"But you were the king, and so I did my part, and now I just ask for my payment. Anyways you might give a thousand arguments, but I am not the wisest person in these parts for nothing. I will have an answer to all those. So just compile by your promise."
Pandu:"All right, you got me there. Kunti come out."
Kunti: "What is it? I am busy with Madri. Okay, aahhh, I am coming" (Wow - what a pun, she thought).
Pandu: "I have to talk with you. I had a deal with Vidur, he helps me become the king, I let him father my first child. Now that today is your 20th birthday, he is here to fulfil the obligation. The first Pandava (Son of Pandu) which actually be son of Vidur, and he will be the only one. But noone can know about it."
Kunti: "What kind of a cuckold are you, Pandu? I was just going to tell you a secret - I have a mantra with which I can seduce Gods, and all you want me is to sleep with your younger step brother. This is not done - I had rather sleep with Gods, if you don't have a problem, rather I will do it even if you have a problem."
Suddenly Ved Vyas appears upon the scene, in the jungle from nowhere. Pandu, Vidur, Kunti and Madri get up to greet him, and Ved Vyas says, "I know all about Kunti's boom from Sage Durvasa. I know she can be bedded by any God, but Vidur is himself the incarnate of Dharam (Yama - the God of Death). It is a long story, but I will still tell it to you. Once Yama sent a sage to hell, and when the sage asked that why, after living such a pious life, should he be condemned to hell, Yama told him, "You were a very pious man, but in your childhood you killed and tortured many insects. It is a result of those sins. " And the sage, although dead, was still a sage, and so he cursed Yama that because Yama had judged his actions no-justly, Yama was to live on earth for one full generation. (Living on Earth is a curse for Gods staying in heaven). So Vidur is that incarnate. Or well, maybe he isn't but just to make the story interesting, I will make him an incarnation of Yama. And well if Kunti beds him, the child born out of the wedlock (!) will be called Dharamputra, and the way I will write this story will make it seem as if she bedded the Dharam God itself. You know I love Vidur the most among my three sons. I can do anything for him. Infact, I am going to immortalize you all by writing about you in my fictional book, which I have decided to name Mahabharata. And Vidur will be always on the right side - don't you guys worry."
Pandu, Vidur, Kunti and Madri (totally flabbergasted) : "Okay - whatever." And Vyas goes out.
Vidur: "So Kunti, is this that time of the month?"
Kunti: "Yes it is. Let us go."
Pandu: "Yes, you two enjoy as much, but I want to watch."
Madri: "Pandu, can I join them? You know I love threesomes."
Pandu: "No Madri, you can have all the lesbian with Kunti, but to see you with another man will kill me. You are my favourite wife. But you can watch them with me, but please don't touch me."
And Vidur had the time of his life with Kunti, who after the blazing Sun God, and the persistent Pandu with Madri, didn't really enjoy it much. So she decided, once this is done, it is going to be the real Gods - incarnations won't do.
And so Kunti got pregnant, with Vyasa telling Bhishma, Dhritrashtra and the elders at Hastinapur that the son to be born was the "gift" of Yama . Meanwhile, Gandhari had already announced her pregnancy to Hastinapur, which was awaiting its heir. However, nine months passed by, and nothing happened. The lump in Gandhari's stomach just grew, and she did not even feel the labour pangs. On the other hand, Kunti delivered a healthy boy, a boy they called Yudhishtra. Hearing of the birth of Yudishtra, Gandhari got totally psyched, and being the masochistic being she was, started hitting her bulging stomach, which led to a big mass of meat out from her vagina. She then started wailing - the thing she did best, and tried cutting her veins, before Ved Vyas appeared out of nowhere - now you know who is the real hero of the story.
Being a great sage, Ved Vyas took the lump of mass, divided it into a hundred and one pieces, and put them into different pots. He read some mantras into the pots, and told Gandhari that everything will be all right, and took her to a psychiatrist, where Gandhari stayed for an year. Meanwhile just six months after the birth of Yudishtra, Kunti told Pandu that she had enough of lesbian sex, and that she wanted a real man (or God) - Vidura won't do. Pandu agreed on the condition that he be allowed to watch them in the act, to which Kunti agreed, and on a windy day, seduced the wind god, Vayu, through the mantra. (Just her bad luck that she got really horny on days that were the in days for her - if you know what I mean). It was a night of wild passion, the petite Kunti under the strong Vayu, and turned Pandu on a great deal, though it was too much for Kunti to bear. "Next time it will be someone gentle." This one night stand produced the powerful Bhim after a whole nine months. (Ved Vyas in Hastinapur: "Kunti got another child gifted by the wind God"). A day after Bhim was born, Gandhari came back presumably cured and the first of the 101 pots opened in Hastinapur, and out came a child, Duryodhana, the first of the Kauravas . The next day, another pot cracked and a new child, Dushasan came out. Every day since, a pot opened for the next hundred days, culminating in the birth of Dushala - the 101st child, and the only girl among them. These 100 boys came to be called Kauravas, the heirs of Kuru, a great king in this lineage. Duryodhana was the leader being the eldest, albeit by only a single day. Moreover, while Gandhari was getting psychiatric lessons, and was away, Drithrashtra, had a single night stand with a slave, and foolishly got her pregnant, producing a prince who was called Yuyutsu, who was just a day younger to Duryodhana.
Kunti got horny again on a rainy day and called the rain god, Indra, who was also the king of the demi gods, into her bed. Pandu was there on watch again, doing well the only thing he could do now - masturbate. This was the second best sex Kunti ever had (after the Sun God, Surya), and she didnt want Indra to go, but he being a God, had to. This act culminated in the birth of Arjuna, considered to be among the foremost archers of his time. (By this time, you probably know what Ved Vyas told back in Hastinapur).
All this time, Madri was feeling left out, and so decided to ask Pandu's permission to bed someone herself. Pandu was aghast, explaining that she was his dearer wife, and if she was to go slutty, what would he be left with. But well, Kunti could understand Madri's frustration, and persuaded Pandu to give her one chance, and after much cajoling, Pandu agreed, but just one time, he said, and he also forbade Kunti from having any more outsiders. Kunti told her the secret Mantra, which Madri used, in all intelligence, on the twin Gods, Ashwini Kumars, the gods of medicine. (Madri had some pretty good fantasies, you see). This led to the birth of Nakula and Sahadeva, twin brothers, and sons of Madri. ( You must have figured out what news reached Hastinapur).
So now in case you are confused by this time, we have 100 Kauravas growing in Hastinapur, living in the comfort of the princely life, along with Yuyutsu and Dushala, while we have five children of different mothers and fathers, who were often teased by other children in the jungle about their parentage. To offend these five, someone proposed the name Pandavas (sons of Pandu), and the name stuck to them. (This is an old trick - giving someone name what he really is not). And so came the Kauravas and the Pandavas.

Mahabhrata - 6 : Gandhari, Kunti and Madri

2007-11-15T14:43:00.001+05:30

The three princes all had different gifts. While Dhritrashtra was blind, he was very intelligent and physically strong. Pandu was pale but very handsome and was to become a great archer. Vidur, while not being physically very active, was very wise, and became an excellent strategist. So, when the three princes finished their training, it was time to choose a heir to the throne.
Having Pandu as the commander of the army, and Vidur as the Chief Minister, Dhritrashtra was expected to be given the kingdom as he was the eldest son. However, Pandu and Vidur had a secret deal (something which will be revealed later), and while the choice was being made by Satyavati, the two mothers-sisters-wives (Ambika and Ambalika) and Bhishma, Vidur stepped in, and said, "Strategy tells that the king is the symbol of the nation. Having a blind king will not give a nice image to our neighbours in this time of Bharatization. They will think of Hastinapur to be weak. Moreover, internally also crime might rise. Hence, it will not be a nice idea to make Dhritrashtra the king. Make Pandu the king, and we can have Dhritrashtra as his main advisor. I will go now" (and he exits). Satyavati (to Bhishma) :" What Vidur said was right, Pandu will probably make a better king, but it will be so unfair on Dhritrashtra, Is it his fault that he was blind?"
Ambika : "All right, you have reproached me enough, it was my fault. I am sorry. But what you told me was that I was going to have sex with my brother-in-law, and I thought it would be with Bhishma, it greatly excited me. So imagine my surprise when I found out it was the ugly ogre, and I could never take him without keeping my eyes closed. Ask Ambalika how she felt, who you instructed to keep her eyes open" ."It has been a long time, mother-in-law, but still I almost faint when I think about your ugly son. People say he has become a great sage, but he still needs lessons in sex. He was not sensitive at all, so unlike my Vichu. Mother, you could have persuaded Bhishma - he would be a nice fuck" agreed Ambalika. All this time, Bhishma was thinking, "just what all could I have achieved was I not gay", but he stayed quiet. Satyavati : "Shameless women, stop talking about your sexual encounters in front of your elder brother-in-law men. I have made my decision. Pandu is going to be the new king. Dhritrashtra is going to be his advisor, while Vidur will be made the Chief Minister. Bhishma will be there to oversee that everything is going fine." And so that was that. Pandu became the new king, and the next task that fell to Bhishma was to arrange for the marriages of the two princes. (He had a lot of experience in that) (Vidur, technically, could not be married to a princess). But which princess would want to marry the blind prince Dhritrashtra? He searched far and wide, finally learning about this princess who was away from material things, was very beautiful but moody and liked shutting herself off from the world. Some even rumoured she was psychologically depressed, had tried to commit suicide and was masochistic, and this is who Bhishma chose as Dhritrashtra's wife. This was princess Gandhari, the daughter of the king of Gandhar and the sister of Shakuni - widely considered to be the real villian of the Mahabharat.
When Gandhari's hand was asked for marriage by Bhishma, Shakuni and Gandhar agreed, thinking their sister was going to be King Pandu's wife. However, when they were told that it was a match for the blind prince, both refused out-rightly.
Shakuni: "Bhishma, we cannot agree to this match, my sister is so talented and beautiful, and is versed with the Vedas. She will have a million suitors. Why should we marry him off to your blind nephew. Why did you not ask her hand for Pandu?"
Bhishma: "Because, quite simply, it is rumoured that your sister is also depressed and masochistic. She can become a pain in the ass for a more able husband. With Dhritrashtra also being like her (being blind he also rambles and complains all day - especially now that he has not become the king) , she can actually feel better about herself. Moreover, if I spread this rumour, and coming from me, it will sound true, no one will marry her. So what is your choice?"
Gandhar: "You have us here, Bhishma, you are pretty smart. Gandhari, come out." (He goes in)
Gandhari: "What is it dad? I am cutting my veins."
Gandhar: "We are getting you married."
Gandhari: "I told you, I don't want to get married. It is supposed to be nice - and I hate nice. I am masochistic, you know"
Gandhar: "But this time, it is to a blind man, Dhritrashtra."
Gandhari: "Really, wow, dad it is so cool. I would love it. What is better than this - being married to a blind man. Moreover, to increase my suffering, I will put on a band on my eyes, and not remove them. You know, how much I hate looking at this world - it is full of dumb people. And think, what all can I tell people - I did it because of my husband. Then it will be like a wedding of two blind people. Moreover I will be immortalized in history. I love this plan."
Gandhar: "Do whatever, I am sending you off with Bhishma, Shakuni is coming with you. Have a great wedding." Gandhari:"Thanks again, dad".
Gandhar (To Shakuni): "I think we got a good deal here. "
Shakuni: "No dad, even if we did, Bhishma defeated me in negotiations, and I hate losing. I will take revenge. I will defeat him sometime."
And so Gandhari is married to Dhritrashtram with great pomp and show, living with her eyes closed with a white band, becoming an epitome of Sati-Savitri in the later generations.
Meanwhile, Pandu had left to attend the swayamvara of Kunti, who was the most beautiful princess of that time and the daughter of king Kuntibhoj. She was actually the daughter of king Shoorsen (who was also paternal grandfather of Krishna), and was named Pritha, but she was adopted by the childless Kuntibhoj (who was best friends with Shoorsen) when she was yet a child and so the name Kunti stuck. Kunti grew up to be an obedient daughter, and so was very heartbroken to be told by Kuntibhoj, on her 16th birthday, that her parents were not her actual parents, and that her real parents had given her up. She was also told, in the same vein, that the famous sage Durvasa, who was famed for his anger, had decided to put his ass in their kingdom and that, as the eldest daughter of the household, it was her responsibility to see that Durvasa got everything he wanted. Kunti knew what that meant - Kunti for the next one year, was to become a slave for Durvasa, fulfilling his every fantasy - but she accepted, for she too wanted to experience sex. After an year, on her 17th birthday, Durvasa said, "I have had enough fun with you. You have given me great BJ's, and I have had the wildest sex with you. The condom that I have used also ensures that you will have no children from sex with me.I am very happy with you. I have to leave now, becuase that is why we are called sages. However, before going I will offer you two gifts - I will restore your virginity. Moreover, I think your pussy is the one which is made for the gods, hence I will give you a secret mantra through which you will be able to have sex with Gods of your choice. You can have all the divine sex you want. However, there is a small catch - Gods dont use condoms, so be careful. " "Yeah, I wanted to be a bad girl. Thanks o rishi - I will exercise discretion" said Kunti, and that was the end of that.
So on her 17th birthday, Durvasa left, arming Kunti with a secret mantra. She was alone now, remembering the crazy things Durvasa had done to her, and she also used to pleasure herself. However, one day all alone, she was in the act when she saw the setting sun and got dreaming about the Sun-god skimming her juices, and she chanted the mantra remembering the Sun god. And lo, in front of her, in flesh, was the sun himself, so handsome. Kunti:"Right now, I have those days of the month, you know. I was just testing this secret mantra, and guess what it works. So now see, I want you, but not now. So I will call you later, and we can have fun. Or if you have a condom, come and lets play."
Sun God : "Condom - what is that? Stop the talk and come lets play." And he gets naked, after which Kunti had trouble remembering anything but pure ecstasy. She forgets all about her periods, and the next thing she remembers, is the sun waking up and saying, "its time for me to rise, and you too. I think the way we hit off was great. I know now you are gonna be pregnant with my son, who is going to be the greatest warrior ever. Name him Karna, and I think he will be born with natural kavach (armour) and kundal (earrings). You know - I am a God, I can do anything, so I also restore your virginity, so enjoy."
Kunti : "But what about the world, what will people say about an unmarried mother?"
Sun: " That is your problem. And yeah - havent you heard the ultimate abortion song. If you havent, I love singing it - Yeh waqt nahin hai, ..."
Kunti: "Yes I have, I think it is boring. So if you dont care about the child, neither do I. I will abort him."
Sun: " You cannot abort my son, bitch. If you do, I will burn you down with my rays. Do you want that. Think of some other way. And now that the rooster has cuckooed , time to go."
Kunti: "Bye, I have thought of a way. This was great - will you come back again?"
Sun : "Can't even if I want to. Didn't Durvasa tell you this works only for one night, with one god."
Kunti: "Shit, he duped me." (And Surya disappeared as suddenly as he had come).
All through her pregnancy she stayed away from the public, and even her own foster parents didn't know what was wrong with her. She decided to act normally, but when her belly grew, she decided to hide from her parents, by telling them she was going on a trip with friends. And she found accomodation in a hut, and there delivered Karna, who was born with Kavach and Kundal. As soon as Karna was born, Kunti took him on the banks of the Ganga, placed the child on a basket, and let him afloat - "I am sorry to do this, but you know, I am a virgin, and I am not supposed to carry a child - what will people say?" And off went Karna, carried by the waves of the Ganga.
Meanwhile, Kunti came back, and started living her pre-Durvasa life, and at her 20th birthday, her foster parents announced, "We are going to arrange your swayamvara. You are so beautiful, you are going to make every prince in India want you, but just look out for the king of Hastinapur - heard he is the MEB around." and she replied, "sure". And so her swayamvara was announced, which witnessed kings and princes from all around India. Pandu was also there, having tanned himself through a new tanning machine. He was the most eligible bachelor around, and with the paleness hidden, looked pretty handsome. So Kunti chose him over the others, and off they were married in great pomp and show. And Pandu brought her to Hastinapur as the new queen.
However, for whatever protection Kunti took, the rumours flew, and Bhishma heard them about Kunti's character, her one night stand with the sun-god and her later pregnancy. He thought, "I will confirm the story." But before he could, Pandu had already gotten married to her, and Bhishma was aghast. He decided to keep the secret within himself, (about Kunti's pregnancy), "Another bitch in the family, why are all straight men in this household cuckolds?" And he thought, "I need another good wife for Pandu - never before has anyone in this family ever got a wife without my help, and I am really good at this job and moreover, I love being the matchmaker". So Bhishma had Pandu marry Madri, the sister of King Shalya, the king of Madras region, in that time. In part, this was part of a treaty between Hastinapur and Madras. Pandu got many lands from Shalya and also got Madri, while Pandu drew away Shalya's enemies, and annexed their kingdoms. Madri was a sizzling hot young piece, and when Pandu returned from the annexations, with Madri at her size, Kunti was aggrieved, but the love making abilities of Madri soon won her over. Madri specialized in lesbian sex, and had soon made Kunti swooning for her. The three of them (Pandu, Madri and Kunti) indulged in threesomes like no tomorrow, and Pandu decided to take a break from ruling the kingdom, and decided to go on honeymoon, with his two new wives, making Dhritrashtra the king in his stead. And that is when Dhritrashtra's ambiition was fuelled, leading to the Mahabharat.

Mahabharata - 5: The birth of Pandu, Dhritrashtra and Vidur

2007-11-14T18:37:00.000+05:30

Vichitravirya became a king at a very young age and as such was dominated by his foster brother Bhishma, and his mother Satyavati. Vichitravirya, meanwhile, had just reached the age when people start learning about sex, and get boners without no reason. He had discovered a copy of Kamasutra, and had been spending sleepless nights reading about it and masturbating, imaging in his fantasies, among other things, his mother and foster brother together in bed - this was a common rumour going around, that after the death of Shantanu, Bhishma and Satyavati had been brought together by lust. (And it was partly true, being younger to Bhishma, Satyavati was attracted to Bhishma, and after the death of Shantanu, even offered herself to him, but Bhishma, being a true homosexual, turned her down, and they decided to be best friends thereafter - Bhishma keeping Satyavati's lust a secret, while Satyavati agreed not to let anyone know about Bhishma's "condition").
And while they were talking about the condition of the kingdom one day, Bhishma mentioned to Satyavati that the king had come of age, and it was time for him to get married. And Satyavati asked Bhishma, "Do you have anyone in mind for my son, Bhishma?" And Bhishma said, "The beautiful daughters of the king of Kashi, Amba, Ambika and Ambalika are of marriagable age, and are reputed to be very beautiful. The king of Kashi has arranged a swayamvara (a method where women could choose their own husbands) for them, but has not invited our king. This is an insult to Hastinapur, and so I will go and kidnap the girls, who will make good wives for our king, and will also help us avenge the insult. Moreover, I am adept at carrying girls off to marry someone else - remember you with my father. I will do a great job" Satyavati: " Oh, Bhishma, you are very jokey. All right then, go and get them for my son, we will have a grand wedding." And so off went Bhishma, to kidnap the daughters of the king of Kashi.
The King of Kashi was making preparations for the swayamvara. His anger at Hastinapur was due to the fact that Shantanu, in the days when he was shagging Ganga, had refused the hand of his sister in marriage. The Kashi king wanted to avenge that humiliation, and had thought, that not inviting Vichitravirya for swayamvara of his daughters would be a nice revenge. Now, unknown to the king, his eldest daughter Amba was having a pre-marital affair with Prince Shalya (the one who was defeated by Bhishma earlier), and had decided to place the wedding garland on his shoulders. The other two sisters were still undecided, and as they were readying to choose from among the kings and princes assembled, in walked Bhishma to the hall.
Seeing Bhishma, the other kings burst into laughter. King 1: "Isn't he Bhishma, the man who has taken the oath of never marrying? Then what is he doing here?". King 2:"The beauty of the three princess has made him forget his vow. He wants to bed them, just like everyone of us here." (Laughter from everyone else, including the father of the girls - it was considered a privilege then to have your daughter, and your wife, being seen as a sex object). The King of Kashi, then said, "Why are you here, Bhishma? We did not invite you nor your step-brother. Don't you have any manners, or any etiquettes - coming here uninvited like this? Go away, or I will have to tell my guards to throw you away." Hearing these words, Bhishma got really angry, and said, "I am here to abduct your daughters, and get them married to the King of Hastinapur. Heaven knows I cannot be moved from my vow (because I am gay, he thought, but let's leave the details), and if anyone tries to stop me, I will blow them away." And saying so, Bhishma let out arrows which caused every king present to lose his throne, and thus humiliating them, he caught hold of the three women, who were too afraid to say anything. He then holding them in his chariot, proceeded towards Hastinapur, while the other kings were too shocked to do anything about it. Only Shalya, who was just minutes away from marrying the hottest girl of that age, had the courage to pursue Bhishma, and met him in the battlefield - Bhishma and the three girls against Shalya and his entire army - where, like before, Shalya was defeated, and his life was spared.
Being victorious, Bhishma went immediately to Satyavati and Vichitravirya, and showed them his conquests. Seeing the big bosom ladies before him, the young king got an immediate boner, while Satyavati was happy for her son. She ordered a grand wedding, when suddenly, Amba spoke up : "I am already in love with King Shalya, I wanted to marry him, and I even carry his baby. Let me marry him, please, oh, the mother queen of Hastinapur." Bhishma was shocked, and said, "But why didnt you tell this to me earlier? I could have left you there?" Amba said, "But I was frightened of you - You might have had killed me. I only got courage now, in front of the Queen Mother". Satyavati, "Bhishma, make arrangements for sending Amba to Shalya. Give her great ornaments. Send her like my daughter to Shalya." And so Amba was sent off, all this time dreaming about Shalya. However, after reaching there, Amba was in for a rude shock as Shalya refused to accept her. "I have lost you to Bhishma, I cannot accept you back as a gift. Its like adding insult to injury. So go back to Bhishma and Vichitravirya - anyways that is a very funny name, what does it mean, weird semen, haha - and forget about me." Amba: "But what about our child, Shalya?" "Abort it. Or raise it up as Vichitravirya's or Bhishma's or anyone else. But I cannot marry you. The whole world will laugh at me for accepting you. I am sorry, I love you, but not more than my honour. Please go away." At this Amba started crying, to which Shalya sang the ultimate abortion song "Yeh waqt nahin hai rone ka, yeh waqt hai baby hone ka, arre tab kyun naa roee thee, jab chipak chipak ke soyee thee, ab jo kiya hai use bharo, tab to kehti thee aur karo, aur karo!" and saying so, he dismissed Amba.
Meanwhile, Vichitravirya got married to the other two sisters. They immediately agreed to complete his fantasies, indulging in threesomes and lesbianism. All that Vichitravirya (that name is too long) ever did was to fuck these two beauties. The kingdom was now actually being run by Bhishma and everyone seemed happy with the arrangement.
So, Amba got an abortion, and headed back to Hastinapur, hoping to marry Vichitravirya. But the weirdo (this is much shorter) decided that even a threesome took a lot of his energies, and he was not ready for foursomes. Moreover, while Amba was considered the hottest among the three, she had shorter breasts, and the wierdo was definitely a breast-man. Moreover, Amba was not even a virgin, and had also got an abortion, making her a strict no-no. So well, he rejected Amba, who having been denied a husband, blamed it all on Bhishma, and told him, "You are the cause for my plight. No one wants to marry me and I have to lose my child because of you. You have devoid me of my honour. Hence, you should return my honour by marrying me." Bhishma said, "Child, I am old enough to be your father. And even if that was not the case, I cant marry you because I have my vow to adhere to (and because I am gay, he thought). So I am sorry for your condition, but I cannot help you. The only recourse left to you now is to go back to Shalya and ask him to marry you" Amba : "Shalya has already rejected me, Bhishma, and my honour doesn't allow me to go back to him. You have brought this woe upon myself and so now, I vow myself, that I will plan your destruction" and off she went.
She went and met many kings and princes, but no one was ready to take on the mighty Bhishma. So she prayed to Lord Subhramanya, who granted her a garland saying that whoever wore that garland would become an enemy of Bhishma and fight him for her. Amba took along that garland and met many kings, who refused to wear that garland, and even king Drupad refused. So she, disappointed, left the garland at the gate of Drupad's territory and went off to search for someone valiant, finally going to see the Sage Parshuram, the greatest warrior of his time, and the teacher of Bhishma, and narrated her sad tale. Moreover, to press her case even further, she even gave the teacher a blow job, which had Parshuram gasping for more, and Parshuram said, "I can always sway Shalya to marry you if you give it to me," to which Amba said, "I dont want to marry that sob Shalya, he is a coward. Now all I want you to do is to order Bhishma to marry me, or to destroy him in battle and I will give you all you want." And so off went Parshuram, and ordered Bhishma to marry Amba, which Bhishma refused, giving references to his vow. So Parshuram said, "I have promised Amba I will sway you, and if you are not going to obey me, I will make you obey me. Get ready to fight." And so they faught, the pupil and the student, over a woman. Parshuram was the best fighter of his day, and he had killed 21 generations of Kshatriya in his prime, but he was getting old, and Bhishma was young enough. After days of fighting then, Bhishma defeated Parshuram, and Parshuram went back to Amba, "Forget him, he is invincible. Go and seek his refuge. And I know I failed you, but am I still entitled to a handjob or something?" And Amba was like, "If you cannot help me, get lost, you good for nothing, you get nothing. Now I will have to do something." And off she went to pray to Lord Shiva, who granted her a boon that she will destroy Bhishma in her next birth. And Amba, in a bid to destroy Bhishma, set herself on pyre, and that was the end of the Amba story. Or was it? We will see later, much later.
But for now, its time to look at the fuckfest at Hastinapur, where the weirdo was having the time of his life with his two wives. However, too much of sex kills, and one day, while having threesome as usual, he got an heart attack (too much blood had rushed into his organ), and died on the spot. The king was dead - there was no heir, and the Hastinapur dynasty was going to a close.
So well, Satyavati called Bhishma after the funeral was over, and asked him, "Fuck my daughters-in-law, they will still techincally be the king;s son, and Hastinapur will have heirs. As you know, a widow can technically produce an heir by mating with her dead husband's brother. Please do this for Hastinapur." Bhishma, "But you know, my vow, ohh wait, you know the story, I am GAY - do you get it - I don't fuck women - Is that fine with you. I don't care about what you think, but I can't do it. It is just not right, you know. Moreover, what will the world say if I break my vow." "Well then, Bhishma, you leave me with just one choice." "And what is that, Satyavati?" "I have a story to tell you, I have another son" and she proceeded to tell him about Parshuram and Vyas. "Oh my oh my, you are a whore, aren't you?" And she remembered Vyas, who suddenly appeared out of nowhere, and said, "Mom, why did you call me? What can I do for you?"
Satyavati: "Son, fuck my daughters-in-law. I will be sending them to you and you must have meaningful sex with them."
Vyas:" I will love it mom, otherwise with an appearance like me. I dont get any pussy." (Vyas was big and black and positively ugly, with hair and all).
So well Satyavati called Ambika, who seeing Vyas, closed her eyes and kept it close as long as Vyas was giving it to her, which was a long time. After this performance, Vyas came to Satyavati and told her that because of Ambika's not opening her eyes, the son will be blind. So Ambalika was told that she must keep her eyes open all through the performance, which she did, but seeing Vyas was not easy, and she fainted, which as Vyas told later, meant that this son will be pale. Satyavati, afraid of the consequences, then asked Ambika to get fucked again by Vyas, to deliver a healthy child, but Ambika, afraid of what happened earlier, instead send a maid in her place, who accepted Vyas gladly, and gave him the best fuck ever. Vyas later said that this child would be the wisest and the most intelligent. So, within nine months, Ambika delivered Dhritrashtra, who was blind, while Ambalika, after some time, delivered Pandu, who was pale, and the maid delivered Vidur, who by orders of Satyavati, was brought up like a Prince. And so their education started, under supervision of Bhishma.

This is a true story

2007-11-13T21:33:00.000+05:30

Location: Byron Bay Bar at Bordeaux. Day: Thursday. Time : 10:30 P.m. Event: Party of some school, with many Pretty Young Things (and when I say young, I mean like 16-17 years old), in it.

The Scene Outside : A group of 3 girls and 4 guys from that school are trying to get in, but are not being allowed by the bouncer outside. They try flaunting their I-cards, the babes try some sweet talking, but are not allowed, when the four of us Indians enter there. We are kind of regulars there, but we have never talked to the bouncer before, and are sure we will be thrown out. So, sheepishly, we stand in front of the bouncer, waiting to be thrown out, and hoping against hope, for some miracle to happen. And it happens - As soon as he sees us, he opens the gate, and we are like, "Is it for us?". And the bouncer says, "yes", and we are allowed in, and the bouncer addresses us in such respectful terms it makes us blush, and happy.The treatment meted to us also makes the French girls and guys stranded outside pass the kind of awe filled stares we throw at people who are allowed to enter exclusive parties normally.

We felt like kings, and we acted like ones that day. For what happened next, you will have to contact me on G-talk probably (too vulgar, even by the standards of this blog, to put it down here). To put it briefly, we were like wolves prowling for sheep. :P

The Delhi Walla Blog

2007-10-25T12:30:00.000+05:30

Thanks to Sammy, I got a chance to write for his cousin Mayank's blog about 'sex life in IITD'. Here is the link. Mayank has modified the original post, and made it look much better. As John Grisham writes, the mistakes are all mine :P.

Mahabharata - 4 : Satyavati-Shantanu

2007-10-23T19:18:00.000+05:30

As Shantanu roamed around the banks of the Yamuna, hunting for new pray, he smelled the best aroma he ever had. Trying to find the source of the aroma, he ordered his charioteer to take his chariot to wherever the fragrance was coming from. (Yeah, in case you are wondering, the same charioteer was always with Shantanu - he also got a spoil of the shares after Shantanu was done devouring his prey). They even crossed their own kingdom in the process and came within the limits of the kingdom of Chedi. The feminine fragrance had him totally horny, and when he came to the place where Satyavati was planning to pack her bags for the day and go home, after a hard days' job ferrying people across the Yamuna. (She planned to go back to bed, remembering, like every night, the awesome time she had, what seemed like years ago, the awesome "love-making" from Prashar. It was the best time of her entire day, alone with her memories, and a stick which she could use as a dildo. Yes, women were horny even then.)

Seeing Satyavati, Shantanu got the hard-on of his life - yeah, he was even hornier than meeting Ganga had made him, and it was surprising because he was much older now, except that he still dyed his hair and went about singing "I am so Young Now" (The Corrs are copycats too, but they changed it a bit) - but, as he explained later to his charioteer, it was also the smell that did it. He took down his pants, and as was his wont, sang out to Satyavati, "Give it to me baby." ("It" referred to the pussy, readers, but Offsprings couldn't really understand it when they decided to copy). And Satyavati, still playing the role of the ideal daughter, told Shantanu, "You might be the king, but I am not ready to lose my virginity in a one night stand. Either ask my father for my hand in marriage or go away. I am sorry." Shantanu was dumbfounded. "But, I am a king, and you are not supposed to refuse a king like that. Noone has ever refused me before - not even Ganga. How dare you then?" "But, I am not your subject, oh king. You are in the kingdom of the king of Chedi, and I am obliged to obey him - not you." And Shantanu thought, "What lovely mouth she has, what pleasure it would be to get a blowjob from her." Aloud: "Will you give me a blowjob then, oh beautiful one. It will give me pleasure, and possibly you too, seeing my tool, which as you must know and can see yourself, all the gals say, is a pretty fly for a white guy. Moreover, your virginity will be intact,". Satyavati, seeing the thing between Shantanu's legs did feel horny, but it was small compared to Prashar. And she did not want to dilute the effect that Prashar's cock had on her, by indulging in sucking other, lesser cock. So aloud she said, "Do you think I am a slut, O king? I have been brought up in virtue, and if you want to have anything to do with me, ask my father." And Shantanu was totally impressed by the concern of the sex-bomb standing before him. (A sexy woman who is not a slut is still every man's dream wife - and Shantanu was no cuckold). He decided he could fuck this chick for time immemorial and not get tired of it - hell, she was almost as hot as Ganga, and that smell!!! Unable to control his hard-on, he immediately took Satyavati with him, and went to the fisherman's Dashraj house, to ask for Satyavati's hand. The following conversation followed:
Shantanu: I love your daughter and want to marry her.
Dashraj: Who are you?
Shantanu (frowning): Don't you know me, I am the king of Hastinapur, Shantanu. And I want to make your daughter my queen.
Dashraj: That is a pleasure, O king. But I have a condition.
Shantanu: What is it? Tell me soon, I am ready to fulfil anything. Just make me marry your daughter. (I have a raging hard-on, bastard, and only your daughter can help me relieve it, he thought).
Dashraj: I have brought this daughter of mine in the best way I could, and I want her to get the best. If you marry her, you must promise me that her son will be your heir.
Shantanu (thinking): "I have already made Devarata my heir. Fuck Dashraj, I could possibly take his daughter and run off, but the king of Chedi is so powerful and Devarata might not help me in this ensuing war which starts off because of my lust for a woman not his mother. But I want a release." (Aloud he said):"This is not possible Dashraj, ask for anything else. I have already promised my kingdom to my eldest son, Devarata."
Dashraj: This is my one and only request, O king. If you can fulfil it, you can take Satyavati as your wife, otherwise I am sorry.
Shantanu: You know I cannot be a traitor to my son. We kings cannot break our promises. Fuck you, Dashraj and fuck your daughter. I am going to cum, umm, I mean go. (And he cums, and goes, unable to make any headway).

Every day from then on, Shantanu goes to the bank of the Yamuna along with his charioteer, (who for your knowledge also did cum seeing Satyavati), sees Satyavati, sings, "I will cum wherever you will go," (which, as The Calling thought, was too liberal even for American listeners, and changed the 'cum' to 'go'), cums seeing her, and goes home. He loses all taste for other women, and is totally in love with Satyavati - a love bred out of lust. At night, while Satyavati is cumming for Prashar, Shantanu cums for her. (pine would probably be a less accurate word here - Its all lust, come to think of it). And he ignores all other prey, and his food, and his appetite suffers. He just lives to take a glimpse of Satyavati and cum thinking about her. All this while, Devarata, who is effectively managing the kingdom, can't bear to see his father's condition. He asks his father, "what is wrong father? Is there anything I can help you with? Are you worried about the kingdom? Or is it something else that troubles you?" Now just take a moment to comprehend the situation Shantanu is in. He wants to tell his son, "I want to fuck and marry a woman I can't. I can't as long as you are there." But how could he say that? So he says, "I am worried about you son. You manage the kingdom, and you are my heir and my sole son. If anything was to happen to you, what will I do?" Now this actually meant this - I need to have another son, and another heir. Devarata probably understood this, because he went to his father's charioteer, and asked the charioteer about his father's health. The charioteer pretended ignorance, but upon being promised the price of one of the most beautiful maidens of the kingdom, agreed to divulge the details about Satyavati, and told him how the king was besotted by the female, and how Dashraj had laid the condition. ("But it is not your father's fault, prince, you should see Satyavati - Oh, her eyes are so beautiful. And the smell that emanates from her body, and her breasts are like water melons, and her waist like a surahi" "Cut the details, charioteer, I will go check her out myself" said Devarata and asking directions for Satyavati's house, took his chariot and went off).
Now well, Devarata felt nothing for the numerous pretty females who wanted to make love to the Most Eligible Bachelor in the kingdom. He was always more excited by sight of men fighting and working. Also, seeing the bulge in the charioteer's pants as he talked about Satyavati, had managed to turn him on pretty bad. Which is why he wanted to get out of that place ASAP. And as he thought about that big bulge in the charioteer's pants, the thought suddenly struck him - he was gay. It was not very usual, but his Guru Brihaspati had told him once, in the biology class, about devas in heaven who took no pleasure in company of apsaras and instead slept with another men. It was a biological condition - and nothing you could do about it, but publicising it was not exactly recommended, not in the relatively conservative earth. If word gets around, a gay person might see himself being isolated from society. Hearing about Satyavati and her father's condition brought a plan to his mind - it was risky, but it might just work, he thought, and off he went to implement it.
Reaching Dashraj's house, he saw Satyavati and even he could appreciate his father's eye for beauty.
Dashraj: Who are you, and why do you come here at this hour?
Devarata: I am Devarata, the prince of Hastinapur.
Dashraj: Welcome. What can I do for you?
Devarata: I ask the hand of your daughter for my father.
Dashraj: But you know my condition, and as long as the king is unwilling to fulfil that condition, I am unable to marry off my daughter. And you are such a mighty and famous prince, how can the king think of making anyone else the heir?
Devarata (thinking : Seeing my father is such a cuckoo, good for nothing king, I guess his sons will also be similar. I am different only because of my mother, the divine Ganga, otherwise I would also have been a loser like my dad. I can always act as a de-facto ruler whether I am the king or not): I, Deverata, am the heir to the throne of Hastinapur, and I relinquish that title and give word to you that after my father, the son of your daughter will become the next king.
(This he said in a loud voice so that people all over could hear him make the supreme sacrifice.)
Dashraj: But..(He wanted to say, but you actually are taking such a vow for my daughter?)
Devarata (coming to the part, which he had thought about all through the way) : "But what, you know I have relinquished, but I think that you fear that my sons, if they are as mighty as me, will take the throne back from your daughter's sons? Is that it, tell me?"
Dashraj (thinking: "Shit, I had never thought about it. But this is really good.") "yes, that is my only concern"
Devarata (smiling inwardly, but making a serious face): "Hear, Oh the heavens, the netherworld and the earth. I, Devarata, for the benefit of my father, and for the throne of Hastinapur, vow never to marry, and never to fuck any woman."
The heavens heard him. Devas poured flowers on him as he made this 'sacrifice' and an akashwaani (the ancient version of radio news service, except that it came from the skies) hailed him as Bhisham, one who had taken a Bhishan Pratigya (Terrible vow). He became famous everywhere, and was also spared humiliation of being called a gay. (Now that is killing two birds with one stone).
Dashraj agreed to the match, and Bhishma carried Satyavati to his father, who, having had his fantasy come to life through his son's twin sacrifices, granted his son the boon of choosing his death. (And in those days, these things worked - somehow. And that's how you kill three birds with one stone). And Bhishma started managing the kingdom, making some good "friends" among advisors, while Shantanu got down to fucking Satyavati, and as he had done before, disappeared from public sight for nine months, when Satyavati delivered a son, the future king of Hastinapur, who was named Chitrangada. Leaving him to the maid, Shantanu and Satyavati went back being rabbits, and soon enough Satyavati delivered Vichitravirya.
Soon, thereafter, however, the king developed high BP developed due to the pumping of blood to his organ, and had a stroke, from which he did survive, but could never recover enough to have sex. So instead he starting brooding about how he had let his first-born son (Gangeya- Devarata- Bhishma) down. He also blamed Satyavati, who also started sharing the guilt of it all. Soon enough Shantanu died, and the young Chitrangada was declared the king, with Bhishma acting as his mentor. The king wanted to let go of Bhishma's interference in his life, and so took to hunting like his father, seeking prey. And as it happened, while Chitrangada was hunting one day, he encountered the Gandharva king Chitrangada, who got into an arguement about who had the right to carry off that name. In the ensuing duel, the Paurava Chitrangada was killed, and so Vichitravirya was made the king. Bhishma continuing to be his mentor. And this laid the foundation of another twist in the Mahabharata story.
(You know, about Mahabharata, it is said, "what is here might be found somewhere else, but what is not contained here, cannot be found anywhere else." A good thought to end).

Mahabharata - 3: The birth of Satyavati and Vyas

2007-10-18T12:22:00.000+05:30

Roaming around the Ganga river, Shantanu one day saw a young boy (about 16 years old) stopping the flow of the Ganga by making a dam through his arrows. He was delighted by the young boy's proficiency and angered by the fact that the boy seemed to be hurting the river Ganga, who happened to be his wife, albeit estranged. So angrily he went up to the boy and asked him, "Who are you? And why are you stopping the flow of Ganga?" As if to answer the question, Ganga herself (yeah that very same Ganga who had been his wife and whom he had fucked like there was no tomorrow, who still looked like the 20 year old virgin he had seen at the same spot many many years ago) appeared out of nowhere, and said, "He is our eighth son, O king! He has been taught science by the great Guru Brihaspati (the guru of the devas) and has been taught the use of arms and weapons by the great Pashuram. He is the best archer the world has ever seen according to his Guru. He has been named Devarata and is also called Gangeya (the son of Ganga). As I promised, as his education is over, I am handing him over to you. He is intelligent and able enough to be your heir. Take him home." Shantanu, who was overwhelmed with relief and joy at seeing his wife and his son, said, "and arent't you coming home, love?", to which Ganga replied, "It was a deal, my dear. I cant come back, but take Devarata and be happy. And now please go back." Shantanu wanted to cry out, "Give me one more night" (which, as you all know now became the inspiration for Phil Collins' hit song), but Ganga cut him short by disappearing into thin air, like only Indian gods and goddesses know how to.
Shantanu was sad, for seeing Ganga again had let the blood in his loins flow freely again. But he was also happy to find his son and the king as his heir. He seemed to have got his old energy back again, and after declaring Devarata as his heir, and leaving the daily working of the empire to him ("you need to gain experience, son" Shantanu told his son), off he went to his pre-Ganga days hobby of hunting for women and animals. "18 till I die", shouted Shantanu while catching his prey, and in Hindi, "Abhee to main jawaan hoon". (Indians, unfortunately, are as big copycats as the Americans, Irish, British and Canadians are from Indian history.) In the meantime, Devarata got accustomed to his new life as a prince, and single-handedly managed to defeat the huge army arrogant prince of Saubala, Shalva, and humiliated him further by sparing his life. The kingdom of Hastinapur was in good hands, and Shantanu and Deverata were both saying, "I'm loving it." (The quintessential American symbol of McDonald's as you can see, also had its roots in India).

And then entered Satyavati - who was an epitome of sex as only daughters of apsaras (celestial maidens, who were basically prostitutes for gods, and were pure sex) can be. Now here is the story of her birth: "Upacharika was the king of Chedi and Girika was his wife. Once while they planned to have sex to produce a heir for their kingdom, as Girika had one of 'those' days. As they were beginning to start the act, however, came news which required the king to immediately go to a far fetched spot of his kingdom to quell a rebellion. Promising his wife that he will be back soon, he went and quelled the rebellion, but after he was done, he saw the beautiful scenery around. He decided to rest there for some days, but with spring setting in, all animals were into the act of reproduction (and yes - 7x were a craze even then), he got horny remembering his voluptuous wife and masturbated. (This is probably the first mention of the act in the world). As he masturbated, he caught his semen in his hand, and planning not to waste it, caught it in a leaf, tied it to his pigeon and send him to his wife, so that she could concieve a heir. ("Kabootar Jaa Jaa Jaa" was a rip-off from this story - and we thought that was the only original song in the movie Maine Pyar Kiya). So well, off flew the pigeon, with the semen. However, the pigeon, while flying back, was caught by an eagle, and the leaf fell into the river Ganga, where it was eaten by a fish, who was actually an Apsara (Adrika by name) who was cursed to live as a fish. As the semen went into her, it gave birth to two foetus - a girl and a boy. The fish was caught by the fisherman Dashraj, and while he cut the fish, he saw the two babies in there. He took both to the king Upacharika, who kept the boy child, (who grew up to be the king Matsya), while giving the daughter back to Dashraj. The daughter grew up to be Satyavati, the future wife of Shantanu."

Satyavati grew up to be a hot sexy woman. Her father found her a job on the banks of the Yamuna river, as a boatwoman, who used to smell of fish because she was a fisherman's daughter. She used to sit there waiting for people to come and while she was so sexy, people tried avoiding her because of the smell emanating from her body. She was even called Matsyagandha (the smell of fish) and was still a virgin, when Prashar happened to her.

Prashar was a great rishi who one day wanted to cross the river Yamuna, and asked Satyavati to take him across. He had common cold that particular day, and his nostrils were flared up and could not smell. So well in front of her alone was this hot little pussy, who looked a virgin, and the two of them were alone in the middle of a river, which aroused Prashar a great deal. He had an immediate hard-on, and looking at Satyavati, began singing, "I wanna fuck you" to which Satyavati replied, being a virgin, "I want to too, but I am a virgin, and you are not going to marry me, are you? Plus I have such a filthy odour emanating from me, aren't you appalled by that like all the other people?". "Say no more, oh beautiful one, I cannot marry you because I am a rishi. But you are so sexy I cant control myself. It will be a one night affair, and I will make you a deal you can't refuse. (If you thought Godfather was brilliant- what do you think about this). If you give yourself to me, I will, through my yoga and siddhi, restore your hymen. Moreover, I will give you such a fragrance that your fragrance will attract people towards you from a yojana (a unit of distance equal to 9 miles) away." Satyavati thought about it, and then said, "Thanks for the offer, but I am in those days of the month, and I presume you don't have a condom, so what if I get pregnant? What happens to the child?" Prashar had a reply ready,"A son will be born from this union, oh beautiful lady, and he will be an adult as soon as he is born. He will be one of the most renowned rishis ever, and history will remember him as Ved Vyas or Krishna Dwaipanya (the dark island-born). But Satyavati got frightened, and said, "However, it is still daytime, what if someone sees us?" Prashar, who had got tired of answering these questions, and who wanted a quick blowjob to stop this talkative woman, suddenly created darkness (he was a powerful rishi), and told Satyavati, "take the boat to that island in the middle of the river." And as soon they reached the island, Prashar fucked Satyavati like rabbits do. She felt pain, pleasure and ecstasy. It had lasted over four hours, but she had lost all sense of time. It was better than she had ever thought it to be. And after Prashar had finished, she felt pain again, as if something was pushing outside from her vagina. She fell asleep, and when she opened her eyes again, she found two men, not one, looking at her, lying naked, after having the time of her life. She tried to cover herself up, but the other man, who was one of the ugliest men she had ever set eyes upon, bowed to her, touched her feet, and said, "I am your son, mother! Bless me. Father has told me to go and study the Vedas, and I must go along with Father. But if you need me mother, just remember me and I will come. And off went Prashar with Vyas, who looked big enough to be a father himself, leaving Satyavati alone- who went back to her father's home, her hymen restored, and with no signs of having had sex. She told her father that the rishi had given her a new fragrance, leaving out all other details. And she became Yojanagandha, (one whose smell spreads for a yojana) and her smell and her sexy figure and beauty made many people ask for her hand for marriage, but her father refused them all. He knew her daughter was made for bigger things, and it was soon to come - when Shantanu, having hunted down all his 'preys' along the Ganga, decided to try his luck near the Yamuna river.

Mahabharata - 2 : Ganga-Shant-anu

2007-10-07T16:35:00.000+05:30

(Now well, as it happens, I am back after a week long mini Euro trip, but more about that later). And so is back this epic story of sex, violence, tragedy, drama and a lot more.

Now before we embark on another story of mindless sex and lust, here is some food for your grey matter to chew on.

Now after Yadu had been deposed of what he thought was his rightful throne, he set up his own empire outside India. On the other side, the descendants of Puru created and strengthened their own empire, prominent among them being Bharat, Hasti and Kuru. Bharat expanded the entire region till the shores of the Indian Ocean. Bharat is also famous as the king who announced an able son of a general as his heir and not his own sons, breaking the general custom of the time. Meanwhile Hasti founded the city of Hastinapur, which became the new capital, and Kuru founded Kurukshetra, one of the holiest lands in India. The story of Mahabharat proper starts from Shantanu, another king of the Puru dynasty, and great-grandfather of Pandavas and Kauravas (the name Kauravas, too, came from Kuru). Other clans of Pauravas soon evolved, prominent among them the Panchalas, and the Magadhas, where Jarasandha ruled supreme during the Mahabharat.

Yadu on the other hand, also started his own lineage (the Yadavas), with descendants like Sashibindu, who annexed much of the Indian land from the Pauravas (descendants of Puru). The Yadavs split into many clans as well, with the Andhak clan ruling over present day Mathura, and at the time of the Mahabharat, ruled by Ugrasen, the maternal grandfather of Krishna, the so-called hero of Mahabharat. Other clans of Yadavas included the Chedi kings.

There were twenty six generations between Yayati and Kauravas, Pandavas and Krishna. All this while, there was internal conflict within the Pauravas and Yadavas clans, and notable bad blood between the Yadavas and the Pauravas.

And from here, we start off the sex part of Mahabharat with the story of Shantanu.

Shantanu was the king of Hastinapur, who like many other of his ancestors, liked hunting alone. (This was a pretext to meet young virgin maidens along the way, and have a good time. He had so far managed to take more maidens than animals this way. And while it kept his lust satisfied, the walk also did a lot of good for his health, and everything was good.) So far, therefore, the thought of getting married did not even strike him.
So well, one day, as he hunted along the Ganga, he saw a beautiful maiden standing there, the most beautiful woman he had ever seen, wearing a sexy sari, which barely covered her ample breasts and exposed her cute navel. And she stood in a pose which suggested to Shantanu, "Come and take me." And Shantanu, who was not unused to maidens offering them to him, even though he looked like a loser, because he was the king, and the poor maidens wanted his favours. So well, just like that, he took her. She was yet a virgin or so he felt. It was the best sex he ever had, she seemed to know the Kamasutra inside out and he thought, "Well this is one female I can have all the time and not feel bored." And thinking this, he proposed marriage.
Shantanu: "Oh beautiful one! Who are you? I am besotted by you and your love making skills, I wanna love you till stars fall from the sky...I mean, till you or I die.. So beauty, will you marry me?" (For the uninitiated, this is where Jim Morrison got the inspiration for his Touch Me song).
Ganga: "Oh my king! I am Ganga, and I will marry you, (because you are so rich and have so much power, and I love both, she thought). However, O king, I have a condition for marriage.
Shantanu: "What is it, you know, I will fly to the moon and back for you, if you be my baby." (And this, as you all know, was what made Savage Garden famous).
Ganga: "You wont ask me any questions about my past and what I do and where I go after marriage. If you do so, I will seek divorce and leave you."
Shantanu:"I dont care who you are, where you are from, what you do as long as you love me." (Now you must have figured out, who copied it...the Backstreet Boys of course.) (Author's note: This is what a lady does to you, mellows you down from rock to boy's pop, and Shantanu was a pretty good singer.
And so like that they got married. Shantanu neglected his kingdom altogether, leaving the kingdom's working on his ministers and stayed in his room all day and all night, with his new wife (You have got to appreciate the man's stamina), stopping only when the bulge in Ganga's stomach grew large enough. Soon enough, a son was born to the king, but even before he could see the newborn, he saw Ganga, (who surprisingly, was as fit as if the child had never been concieved) throwing the baby out into the river Ganga, which caused him immense distress. But then he remembered his promise, and so decided to stay quiet, and that night, was back in his room making love to Ganga, forgetting all about the murdered baby, and having great fun for another nine months. And then again, Ganga delivered a boy, and threw it into the river Ganga. Shantanu was pained, but the pain only lasted till the night, when he was again enjoying the company of his hot wife.
And so on it continued for another five babies. All were born, and thrown into the river Ganga by his wife. All of the kingdom citizens were puzzled with the queen's behaviour, and in private, people referred to her with such terms as whore, murderer and bitch. This was not hidden from him, and he also was starting to think the same way. However, he bore it because of his promise, and the fact that after so many deliveries, Ganga's body remained as sexy and fit as before. He really loved her, and the way she made love.
And so he continued enjoying her day in and day out till their eighth son was about to be born. Shantanu had aged by now, and he wanted some heir. So when he saw his eighth son being meted the same treatment as his earlier brothers, he suddenly felt an urge to speak, "Oh cruel one! How could you do this to your own children. What kind of mother are you? You have already killed my seven children, I wont let you kill him too. "
Ganga:"You broke your promise king? Hence, I am going. The truth is, these babies of ours were Vasus, who had been cursed to take birth on earth, and I am Ganga, the river, who had promised to be their mother, and end their curse by drowning them as soon as they were born. I have already sent the other seven to their heavenly abode, but now this Vasu will have to stay back for longer time on earth. I will take him away now, and educate him from the best teachers. I will send him back to you after he is educated. Goodbye, my lover." And as it used to happen in those days, she disappeared out of side along with her son.
Shantanu: "Please dont go...Please dont go" (No Mercy said thanks).
But Ganga had left by then, and Shantanu was all alone.
He was very sad and distressed. He had no wife, and no heir, and he had all but lost his sex drive. Now was when he took to hunting for the sheer pleasure of the outside sport. Every morning he walked and saw the river Ganga, hoping she would spring to life, and he went away disappointed.
And then one day, strolling on the banks of the river, he met Gangeya.

Mahabharata - 1 : The Story of Yayati

2007-09-27T17:30:00.000+05:30

Here is my own take on the Mahabharata. I have long believed that history is written by winners, and if the epic battle did actually take place, there was plenty to explain that has not been explained by sage Vyas. So for all of those who want to know the real deal this is the first story of the Mahabharat series.

The Story of Yayati
Shukracharaya, the guru of the asuras, was presently working at the court of Vrishaparva, the asura king, who greatly respected the guru because of his ability to bring back to life fallen asuras.
Devayani was the only daughter of Shukracharaya and because of the adulation of his father, had grown into a stubborn and arrogant, albeit very beautiful, young woman.
One day, the daughter of Vrishaparva, Sharmishtha, came to the guru's ashram, along with her friends, as they were going out to the forests for a picnic. In between the picnic, the girls decided to take a bath at a lake nearby. Now as far as my understanding of Hindu mythology goes, bathing together was a very popular hobby by the Indian folks; girls with girls and girls with boys. So well, these beautiful girls decided to take a bath in the lake. Now, as soon as these women had stripped naked and gone into the lake, a violent storm blew away their clothes, and their clothes got mixed. Now well, when the women came out of the lake, Devayani could not find her blouse, and got really angry when she saw Sharamishtha wearing hers. Now, boys, brace yourself for the catfight of the last five millenniums. (Just imagine this carefully - and in your imagination, let me remind you, Devyani is naked all this while - Another thing to add to this, Devayani is a classical beauty while Sharmishtha is a sexy hottie).
Devayani: Saali Kutiyaa (F***ing bitch)! How dare you wear my clothes? Dont you know who I am? Who do you think you are? I am the daughter of the great shukracharya, and he is the guru of all asuras. And you took my clothes. You are nothing but a common thief, stealing my clothes like that. Take them off right now.
Sharmishtha (feeling ashamed by the humiliation): tu kuttiya (You are a bitch)! I am the daughter of the king of the asuras! And the things you say about your father! Your father is dependent on my father for survival. My father is the one who feeds him. You father is but a beggar in the court of my father. You wear my leftovers! It is you who is poor, not me. I am a princess, while you are the daughter of a beggar.
Devayani (holding her by the hair) : Give me my clothes back, you bitch.
Sharmishtha (yelping): Help friends help!
Friends of Sharmishtha: Get off her, bitch! And they go and lift Devayani, and in the fight that ensues (this was the precursor of the kabaddi, contrary to what you read here) Devyani falls into a well nearby. Now when she falls, Sharmishtha and friends, leave her there, and go back to the palace. Devayani left alone, started crying and calling for help. She was sure now that she could not go back to the place whose king's daughter had humiliated her, and that she would not return home, if somehow she could get out of the well first.
As is always fated to happen when the damsel is in distress, in walks the handsome prince (rather, a king). Yayati, the king of Khandavprastha, was hunting and had lost his way, when he heard the wailing of a woman from the well. He looked down, to see Devayani, a beautiful maiden lying naked. He helped her out of the well (presumably by throwing down a rope or something) and then held her right hand. He had fallen in love, and so had Devayani, as she realized that this was the first man, other than her father, who had seen her naked.
Devayani (after covering herself with the branch of a tree): Who are you prince, and what are you doing here?
Yayati: I am Yayati, the king of Khandavprastha. I was out hunting and lost my way. But who are you, oh beauty, and why were you there?
Devayani: Marry me Prince, you have held me by the right hand and have seen me naked, and hence now you ought to make me your wife.
Yayati: But tell me who are you?
Devayani: I am the daughter of Shukracharya, the guru of the asuras. I was thrown here by some of my friends. I have been forsaken, o king, and you are the only one who can rescue me. Please marry me.
Yayati (trying to hide his boner): Yes, oh beautiful one! (thinking: Oh what a beauty! How good would it feel to have her on bed...and he started imagining, and suddenly the image of Shukracharya interrupted that dream...What if the guru got angry, no he will curse me): But no, you are the daughter of a Brahman while I am of a lower caste, Kshatriya, so I cannot marry you. But I am ready to take you to your home and leave you with your father.
Devayani: Okay then, leave me here, I will sit here, because I have decided not to go back home, and you should go now. You turn to the left and will find the way.
Yayati: Thank you, o beauty, but are you sure you will be fine here?
Devayani: Yes I will, (and Yayati leaves, his boner now harder than ever).

Shukracharya, after waiting for his daughter to arrive, entered the forest himself, and found his daughter sitting naked under a tree. When he inquired about her daughter's condition, Devayani told the entire story, about how Sharmishtha had abused him, she and her friends had thrown her into the well, and how Yayati had rescued her. She also told her of her vow not to go back into that king's reign, unless Sharmishtha apologized to her.
Hearing this Shukracharya lost his cool, and went to Vrishaparva to tell him he was leaving the kingdom. The king was at a loss about what happened, and pleaded to Shukracharya to forgive whatever mistake he had made. Shukracharya then told the king to ask his daughter, and went away angrily. The asura king knew that without Shukracharya to revive the asuras from the dead, they would never be able to challenge the devas. The asura king made haste to ask Sharmishtha about the incident, and taking her with him, went under the tree where Shukracharya was sitting with his daughter. Sharmishtha apologised to Devayani, who only agreed to return back to the kingdom if Sharmishtha agreed to be her slave. Sharmishtha, for her father's sake, agreed and thus Sharmishtha left her palace to stay as a slave to Devayani.

One day, Yayati lost her way again and this time came to Shukracharya's ashram. Devayani, who was sitting next to Sharmishtha, immediately recognised him and again proposed him to marry her. Yayati went with Devayani to Shukracharya, who agreed to this match, as Yayati was the MEB (Most Eligible Bachelor) at the time. However, he also told Yayati that he should not marry anyone else other than her daughter. (Yayati was a bit disappointed by this, but Devayani was so beautiful, that he agreed. He also noticed the hot Sharmishtha, and coupled by the combines effect of the two beauties, had soon another boner). The marriage was held in great pomp and show, and Sharamishtha, being the maid of Devayani, also went with her to Khandavprastha.

Yayati was happy in the company of Devayani, and had a great time with her, and soon she was pregnant. Sharmishtha and Devayani, meanwhile, had managed to become good friends, but Sharmishtha also wanted to lead her old life of pleasure. Devayani got Yayati to build a new palace especially for Sharmishtha, but when Devayani gave birth to Yadu, Sharmishtha's desire of being a mother was roused. So, one day while Yayati was alone, she went up and offered herself to him. (Yayati thought: what about Devayani, and what about Shukracharaya - but f*** them, what a lovely ass, and those boobs wow!!! - I have waited for this moment for so long). He agree to be the father of her children, as long as it was kept a secret, and soon Sharmishtha was pregnant. When Devayani asked her about the father, she said some Rishi had come and given her a good f***. Devayani was satisfied, and soon Sharmishtha gave birth to Druhyu. In the course of time, Devayani gave birth to Turvasu while Sharmishtha delivered Anu and Puru in that order. All of them were fathered by Yayati, who used to go to Sharmishtha and her sons while telling Devayani he was out hunting. The five sons used to play together, and all of them resembled Yayati, which gave Devayani some hint. One day, while all of them were playing, she asked Druyhu about his father. He calmly pointed to the king. Devayani was livid. She flew out of rage, and went back to her father, Yayati followed her, and Shukracharya, who could never see his daughter cry, and after hearing about his adultery, cursed Yayati :"May you become old, and never be able to enjoy material possesions of the world." Yayati begged for forgiveness, and Devayani also grew sad (He was pretty good in sex, and she wanted him in bed). She also asked her father to forgive her husband. Shukracharya said, "I cant take back this curse, but if one of your sons is ready to take your old age and your diseases, you can get back your youth again. Also the son who will agree will become famous all over the world as a just king."
Yayati felt happy hearing this. Surely all of his obedient sons would share his fate. He first went to the eldest son Yadu, who hearing his father request, laughed at him, and said, "I have my own life father. I want to have sex, I have just discovered it, its so cool, I cant give it all up." He then went to Druyhu, who also refused, giving fundes like "But father, being old will also make me lose all my intelligence. I have just started learning about this world." Next came Turvasu and Anu, but both of them also refused. Thus forsaken, Yayati went to Puru, who agreed wholeheartedly to take his old age, more because he was kind of stupid than anything else. Yayati remembered Shukracharya, and suddenly Yayati became young and Puru grew old, and making Puru to look after his kingdom, he went on something like a fuckfest with Sharmishtha and Devayani. After some time, he also copulated the beautiful apsara Viswachi, and enjoyed so for a thousand years. (Mahabharat has a habit of exaggerating it - it probably means 10 years). But the more he had sex, the more he wanted to have more of it. And then he realised that sex is like oil in fire - the more you have, the more you want it. The want never ends. And that is when he decided to give back the youth he had borrowed from Puru, and made him the king, and himself went for sanyaas. The people of his kingdom rebelled in favour of Yadu, who was the rightful heir, being the eldest son. However, Yayati who despite all his libido was also a just king, reminded them of Shukracharaya's prophecy, and the people got behind Puru. And Yadu, who refused to recognize Puru as the king, was exiled from the kingdom, where he set his own kingdom outside India.

(A question you might ask: Did they have condoms those days? Yes they did, and they worked better now than they do now. That is why Rachel gets pregnant in one night fucks, while Draupadi produced only five sons. More about that later though).

And here lay the seeds of the Mahabharat battle many many many generations later.

A lot of Questions

2007-09-26T22:14:00.000+05:30

Why do we care so much about what others think of us? How is it that a little praise from a person can make you so happy? How is it that some criticism can bring you down? Why is it that we try to keep people around us happy? Why do we want to be the best in what we do? Why do we think so much about winning awards or making a good GPA? Why do we want to show people how good we are?

Do we ever think about what we actually want from life? Can we just live in the present, without thinking about the past (what could have happened if..) or the future (what will happen...)? Why is it that we never get what we want the most? Or is it we want it the most because we never get it?

If the end is the death, what is the reason for doing anything at all? Will there be an Armageddon, and if it will, when and where? What will happen to the non-believers like me? Or is this actually a cycle, where everything we do is evaluated (in the present and past and future lives), and then our souls are sent to heaven or hell? Are we lucky to be born as humans, or are we very unlucky? Why did Mahabharata happen, even though there was a God? Why did Karna have to die?

If there is a God, why doesnt he show himself? How does he function? Is he playing a game, with us as random particles, and playing around, eventually knowing anything we do doesnt make an iota of difference to him or to anything else in the long run? Who are we? What does life mean?

Why do we feel singularly alone? Why do we love? Why so I feel so unworthy sometimes? Why I cant feel happy? Why am I so ugly? Why am I so dumb?

Any answers?

I feel happier already. haha. BonJour, Futrevous, Rendezvous and all that French shit.

How do you feel about yourself?

2007-09-17T17:59:00.000+05:30

Do you feel good for achieving so many different things, or do you feel sad about not having achieved a good deal more? Or have you, after wondering about it and feeling bad, have stopped thinking about it at all.
I have been wondering: Do I have to be happy about the fact that I passed out of the two best institutes of the country, or do I have to be sad about not making the kind of impression I could have? Am I a success or a failure? If I was to die tomorrow, what would people remember me as? Why do I even care? Does it even matter?

I am an asshole, you might say after reading what I am about to write. But as I try to stay happy with whatever I have, I do have a few questions about why life is the way it is? If God did give me intelligence and the potential to make it big, why didn't he, for all his benevolence, grant me the patience to use that intelligence the best possible way? Why can I never study, never apply myself into anything, and cannot carry on doing the same job after a period of time?

If someone asks me about my USP, it will be this: I can do better than any other person in the universe in a field about which the inherent knowledge both of us have is zero. I think I am that good and that talented. But what have I done of that talent, except fretting it all away.

Would you make the same choices in life if you had a chance? Answer honestly. I probably might still do it, because in spite of a bleak future I think I have already had the time of my life. Anything more and it is just a bonus.

I got hit last night..and blew it

2007-09-14T14:03:00.000+05:30

First of all, for those who care, I reached France hale and hearty. Me and Ghai have a two bedroom flat and we have a pretty good time eating drinking and visiting. No internet yet at our place though, but man, you have got to hear this story, and believe it its true.

Time : Wednesday night arnd 1130

Place: A pub in Bordeaux, where us international students of the BBS were having a party.

Main cast: Other dudes from IIMC, hot Hungarian blonde girl and me.
Supporting cast: Hot girls from all around the globe, including Venezuela and Turkey. Other males.

The other dudes (Ghai, Sonkar, Ravi) and me were standing in front of this hot Turkish female who was like sizzling. And then well, we were pretty good and high, when this girl comes up to our group. We are holding some straws which kind of light up the place, when this female comes up to us and asks for the straw, and we give it to her. She takes it and puts it in her cleavage, and we like let out a cool wow.

More surprise - She then starts dancing with us.

She (to me): Do you like this music?
Me: Not really, do you?
She (looking really happy): Neither do I?

Now just what should I have done? I had the perfect line inside my head: So do u wanna go outside and take a walk or something? But well, while I started thinking about the kind of things that could possibly happen, I chickened. All I came up with was : good, and I excused myself.

Meanwhile she starts talking with Sonkar, (trying to hit him with "India is very close to my heart" and some such shit) who being from the same alma mater as me, also blew his chance.

The next guy she went to, some German, took her out of the place, and we didnt see them in the party after that.

But well, just made me wonder - Maybe I am not so ugly after all, or maybe she was just too drunk.

I need some alcohol!!!

Following up: A blog about the Mahabharat.

The Flash Gordon Trophy

2007-08-14T20:03:00.000+05:30

Sorry about not writing for so long. Have been busy watching Mahabharat among other things, and after having finally completed all 94 episodes of the epic, I am ready to write about the greatest story ever told. Period.
But for now, here is another story. The story of what is going to go down into the IIMC tradition as one of the most healthy, sporty ones ever started. And I, and an entire batch of New Hostel residents, are proud to be a part of bringing about this tradition. Welcome to the Flash Gordon Trophy.
The Inter-Wing FooterVolley Tournament in New Hostel witnessed all the eight wings taking part. A lot more than the trophy was at stake here, it was the pride which each of these wings have. The eight wings were divided into 2 groups of four teams each. Dhobi Ghat (the E100's) and Stud Farm (the E300's) started out as the favorites. My very own Sandazz (W 300s) and Ba-stud Farm, which consisted only of PGP1's (E400's) were expected to be the other semifinalists, while WTF(West Third Floor - What the Fuck!!! W 400s) were considered the dark horses. Nothing much was expected out of Animal Farm (W 100s), Sinners Paradise (E 200s), and Azaad Pankh (W200s). But well, like all tournaments, this one had surprises galore!
But first a bit about FooterVolley, for those of you who don't know. It, as the name suggests is a mixture of football and volleyball. It has almost the same rules as Tsepak, except that three bounces are allowed on the floor before the ball crosses the net. Only three touches are allowed, and any number of players from one to six can play from one side. However, for the tournament, the number was fixed from a minimum of four to maximum of five per team. During the league tournament, the matches were supposed to be one set long with first to 21 with a gap of at least two points winning, points only on serve. In case of the scores being tied 20-20, the advantage-duece rule applied. For the semis, we had three set matches, each set being first to 15, while the final was a best of five setter, and what a final it was!!!

DAY 1
The first match, between WTF and Animal Farm, was expected to be a one sided affair, with WTF having a pretty good team, and Animal Farm fielding a totally new team, PGP2's who had never played before, except practicing for three hours before their big debut. Churiyal, Dhamija, Jail, Dayal and Shireesh played the match of their lives to defeat the Vijay Raghavan (who had been tipped by many, including myself, to be the Man of the Tournament) led WTF. The WTF also had players like Shekhar, Tarun, and Bhutani, and a new finding, Dabas. Well, what a start to the tournament it was. Played under flashlights, cheering Squads on both sides, a great match to watch, and with me being the main referee of the tournament, a great match to officiate in. Animal Farm shocked everyone, including themselves, to gain a 22-20 victory. Everyone stood shocked. The tournament had begun.
The next match was the one which everyone expected to be a thriller. Sandazz, led by Dang and yours truly, were expected to give a tough fight to the Dhobighat team which had three great players, Kedar, Rishabh and Thakur, and a PGP1, Abhinav. Our team had Rachit, Fatter, Tanmay, and three PGP1's to choose from. But we produced an abysmal opening match, losing 21-8.
The other matches in our group, however passed by as expected, with Dhobighat and Sandazz beating both Sinners and Azaad, and that too pretty easily. Azaad beat Sinners with a team of PGP1s, to finish third in the group, while Dhobighat and Sandazz entered the Semis.
The other group, however, saw some good matches, and it was a pleasure officiating them. Ba-Stud farm, after an abysmal performance against Stud Farm, lost easily to WTF as well, in what was another shocker. Stud Farm then brought down the high flying Animal Farm with an easy 21-8 victory. In the match which was to prove critical, Animal led Ba-Stud 17-10, (and a victory would have surely taken them through to the semis) when someone reported they had done enough to reach the semis, and their performance fell. They ultimately lost 21-18, and then waited restlessly for Stud Farm-WTF match, where only a big margin of Stud Farm victory could take them to the semis. However, WTF, were able to lose by 21-13, making them the second team to qualify from the group on basis of their higher points per game average, even though Ba-Stud, Animal and WTF had one win each. It was sad to see Animal, who had played with so much enthusiasm, bow out.

DAY 2
The next day, the semis were upon us. Dang was unable for selection into the squad as he had already gone home. So noone expected anything much from Sandazz, who were facing their eternal rivals, Stud Farm, who had comprehensively beaten all teams in their group. However, Stud Farm looked tense, and taking advantage of some good team play, Sandazz, who had nothing to lose, went on to shock Stud Farm in the first set 15-8. We were leading 3-0 in the second set when a mistake by me gave Stud Farm a point, and the disunity that had been kept under wraps, began surfacing. It was all over then, I knew. We lost the second set 15-7, and the third 15-3 to bow out of the tournament. But what was worse, was that we could have won it easily, had our team spirit been good.
In the other semis, WTF lost to Dhobighat easily, 15-6,15-6, to set up a pulsating final. Two unbeaten teams in what was to prove to be a final worthy of the Flash Gordon Trophy.

DAY 3
The day of the final was delayed for two days because of rain. Before the final, there was a third fourth position match, in which we again started off brightly, but then, owing to infighting, we lost pretty badly to end up a disappointing fourth. More than the defeat it was the manner of the defeat which hurt. We lost in straight sets to WTF, 15-8, 15-3 (after leading 3-8 in the first set). Vijay Raghavan played like he had been expected to play, but hadn't the previous two days, and his serves were too much to handle.

The final match between Dhobighat and Stud Farm was not only between two wings, it was also between two different ideologies. Stud Farm were supported by Bastards, while most of the other wings were with Dhobighat, mainly due to their alienation with Stud.Stud fielded a four member team, like Dhobi, with Mithun, Katyar manning the front line and Fattu and Alu forming the back. For Dhobi, Kedi (who had been exemplary in the tournament so far) and Thakur closed at the net, while Abhinav was not allowed to do much work by Rishabh at the rear. Vijay Raghavan and I were the match referees. People had come from WH and OH to witness this match. As soon as the match started, I knew it was going to be a tough job managing the match. All line calls were contested, and with people from both sides cursing you, it was easy to lose your cool. I had a fight with a lot of people that day, but I stuck by my decisions, and I think it was a brave thing to do. The first two sets were shared. First to Stud 15-13, second to Dhobi 15-12.
At the end of the second set, some rain threatened, but it went away, and we started the third set. By now, the dominance of DhobiGhat was prominent. Kedi was playing brilliantly, and helped by some erratic show by Mithun, Dhobi won the third 15-4. It seemed a matter of moments before Dhobi laid its hands on the Flash Gordon Trophy. And then the rain struck.
It started as a drizzle, but soon began raining cats and dogs. The match was passed over to the next day, continuing at 0-0 in the fourth. The next day saw a great match, Stud were on the brink of elimination at 10-12 in the fourth, but gathered all their resources to win it 15-12. In the fifth, with almost all of NH cheering them on, and with Stud making mistakes, NH took a 9-1 lead. But then Katyar played the match of his life. He turned the entire match around, and when, at 14-13 to Stud Farm, I gave the header by Kedi as out, an entire stadium erupted! Stud Farm had won the Flash Gordon Trophy: 15-13, 12-15, 15-4, 15-12, 15-13.

The man of the match was Katyar, while the man of the tournament was Kedi, whose non-perfornamce after the day-long rain break was probably the reason for Dhobi's defeat. Having judged that match probably taught me more about Management, than all of fourth term courses. But more of that later. For now, enjoy beer, or whisky or whatever, and enjoy life. Thats what it is for.

My brother's wedding - 2

2007-07-29T19:17:00.000+05:30

It was the perfect pass. And we had won it, quite easily.

What I am referring to is the shoes war between the two sides, the ladkewaale and the ladkiwaale. For the ignorant lot who have somehow missed or forgotten HAHK ( it was not such a good movie, but well it was a hit one), the bride's sisters (nowadays, it actually is the entire family) have to take and hide away the groom's shoes, and get money in return. It is the responsibility of the groom's side to ensure that a) the shoes are not taken, and b) if they are, then they are returned to the groom before the bride side can demand money. Now, the important thing is it is just a game, and whether any side succeeds or not, the transfer of money is mandatory.

Statistically, it has been proved that the best time to take the shoes away from the groom is when he sits on the mandap. He has to open his shoes to sit near the ceremonial fire , and then the ladkiwaale strike. As it happens, the groom has to sit on mandap twice, once without the bride (for some initial ceremony), and the other time for the saat phere. In between, is the part where the varmala takes place. This background is necessary to understand what happened next.

As soon as we went inside the marriage hall, accompanied by the light and sound of the firecrackers, my brother was taken away by the pundit; removed his shoes near a chair and sat in the mandap. I was then entrusted by my family, to go and take the shoes, which I accomplished pretty smoothly, except that the other side saw me doing it. We then discretely divided the pair, and kept them with two of my cousins: one hidden under my cousin's chunni, while the other went into the cardboard container with the firecrackers . And when my brother went for the varmala, one of my other cousins volunteered to offer his own shoes. Coming back, from the dais after photographs and all, the process repeated itself: my brother opened his shoes and sat again in the mandap. This time however, my bhabhi's side did manage to take away the shoes before we could even react. (Remember: these are my cousin's shoes, and not the real shoes).

So well now my brother was without shoes, and one of my cousins was without shoes. We started getting frustrated, and asked the bride's side to return the wrong pair of shoes. They refused point blankly. Their opinion was that shoes were shoes, and they did not care whose shoes did they have, as long they had something. We, however, felt that only groom's shoes count, and this caused a lot of fight between the two families. Finally, however, my cousins' persuasive skills won over, and we got back my cousin's shoes.

This whole episode, however, had created a lot of tension between the two families. To diffuse it, one aunty from my bhabhi's family, came to talk to us about the entire incident. We explained how we had managed to sneak the real shoes from right under their nose, hearing which, she slapped her 12 year old son for being incompetent (Oh, what fun that was, the poor boy almost started crying!). And then, being gracious, we decided to give them other chance, and told them to find the shoes, which were somewhere within the wedding lawns themselves. As soon as she got up, she realized that there was something under the chair she was sitting on. And she came back to explore. However, my cousin who had hidden it there, was fast enough for her, and carrying the shoe in his hand, ran all through the lawn, with 4-5 children following him. What followed next was pure magic. My cousin, somehow managed to throw the shoe in some random direction, and it fell in the place to which I was closest. But I had to still run to stave off those children, and I found myself surrounded by these children, and then delivered the perfect quarterback pass. To my other cousin, whose only job was to go and place the shoe under my brother's foot, who was just getting up from the mandap. And to coordinate with my other cousin, who had the other shoe under her chunni all this while. So well, as you see, we won it, but my brother decided to give the money to my bhabhi's sisters anyways. That too a stately amount of Rs. 5100.

Among other things at the wedding, there was alcohol of course, Black Dog whiskey. All my friends left pretty early, though, and could not catch a live demonstration of my American Football skills. (which is sad, in a way). So, well, by the time the marriage ended it was almost 3:00 a.m. in the morning, and everyone was dead tired. However, the best fun of the night was still left (not just for my brother, you perverts, I am talking about myself here).

Me and a lot of my cousins decided to go upstairs (his room is opposite mine) and make the bed. We decorated it with flowers in the shape of an arrow with the heart, and then left a note saying that, "Please don't disturb this arrangement. Lots of hard work gone into it. Inspection to be made at 8:00 a.m. morning." (Cheesy, huh!). And while we were doing this stuff, we had all sort of jokes flying about. It was great bonding with my cousins after a really really long time. So then well, we came down, and didn't allow him to enter the house until he parted with some of the money. He paid the bride's side for doing nothing, we said, and he ought to pay us for taking all that pain, going barefoot and all. So, at the end of it, we, as a whole, were richer by Rs. 2500 + 1100 HKD. But the night had not ended there. We managed to tease my brother even more, by calling him from downstairs, and when he stood on the porch, asking him about such silly things as if he wanted tea or water. And once, even asking him for time. It was so much fun!

The next day started around 10, and it was raining pretty heavily, putting all plans of Dham (It is an Himachali system of community food, in which people sit in rows and are served various Himachali curries and rice), on hold. However, as suddenly as it had started, it stopped, and the Dham went pretty well. But before that, there was more fun (money) for me. According to some Punjabi system, the devar is supposed to sit on the newly married couple's lap and ask for something. (I finally had some advantage of getting fat, and I was going to use it to the maximum). And I did. They already had a suit ready for me, but I was not going to give in so easily. I asked them to sponsor my trip to France, which they had to agree, to get me off them.
Yoyo!!!

My five friends from Delhi were leaving, and had quite a fight among themselves, regarding the time of their departure. For once, I think Sammy was right. Jha and Shreyas had kind of spoiled the trip. They wanted to leave asap, but my mother persuaded them to taste Himachali food, which they liked a lot. And so the entire day was spent meeting people who had come for the dham, mainly family friends from Dharamsala. And the night, well it was easily the most awesome night of all.

The DJ was back, and as he belted popular numbers, my entire mother's family, (most of my father's side family had left during the day) right from five year olds to my bauji (my nana) , who is 92, danced. How they fit in one small floor is a wonder, but I guess when you have spaces in your heart, it does not really matter. It was a perfect mixture of alcohol and dance, and I loved it a lot. And no, no more Lindsay Lohan stories told. I even managed to dance with my bhabhi, and in fact with every female in the big household.

My two male cousins, the ones involved with me in the American Football triumph, were then sent with a bottle of Teachers to my brother's bedroom and were locked inside, and when my brother entered with my bhabhi late in the night, they managed to sponsor their own trip to Hong Kong on my brother's expense, as a price for getting out. What else do you want!

It was dance, it was alcohol, it was money, but no, the greatest fun of the wedding was the bonding with my family members. Sometimes, despite all your differences, you can really be one, and I really loved that spirit. It was, to use IIMC lingo, too much!!!

My brother's wedding-1

2007-06-30T23:23:00.000+05:30

My brother finally got married. It was a great wedding, and I had a rollicking time.

Reaching home and moving into my new room was an awesome experience in itself. Imagine a first floor room with a full frontal view of the Himalayas, complete with wooden flooring, and an Americanized bathroom. And I had my own dressing room. Just shifting upstairs was so much fun in the first place, as was the realization that I would actually look forward to going home from now on. The days before the marriage saw me trying to arrange stuff like DJ, rooms for the guests, alcohol and a lot of less important stuff. Also, the responsibility of taking care of guests who trickled in and out fell upon me. It was great to meet a lot of my cousins and nephews and nieces and aunts and uncles after a long long time.

Day 1: 23rd June, Saturday : Program: Shagun and Ring Ceremony at a hotel in Dharamsala. The ceremony went off okay. The entire day saw some more of the guests pouring in, and the best part of the night was the DJ-cum-"cocktail" night, at home, which saw infinite amounts of whiskey and beer, with some amount of vodka, gin and rum added. I made the bartender make some pretty big (90 ml whiskey with 60 ml of Old Monk and Vodka, and 30 ml of gin, with the rest of the glass filled with coke) Long Island Iced Tea (without Tequila, of course (how do u find Tequila in Kangra District)), and got really high within no time, and then started telling people about my adventures in the United States of America, and also describing, whats now famous in my family as the Lindsay Lohan story. I have not mentioned this story in my earlier blogs about the Big Apple, so now is a pretty good time to do so.
"Well, it so happened, that P and me found ourselves outside this really good nightclub one Friday night. The only thing stopping us from going in was this huge black Negro, who told us that no stag entry was allowed. So well, as a desperate measure, we decided to ask a girl to get us in, and sure enough, a group of a guy and three girls came along. I tapped one of the females on the back and asked her if she could let us in. And man, was she hot!! What really took me aback was that she agreed at once, took my hand in hers and asked her other friend to take P in. She looked like Lindsay Lohan, and she asked me for my name and P's name. Her name was Allison, and as P was telling her his name, the negro saw us and didn't grant us access in the sake of us not knowing one another. Now well, Allison was really sorry thinking it to be her fault, and I consoled her. I now think it would have been the perfect time to ask her for her phone number, but loser that I am, I just waved her away."
So, this was the story I kept repeating that entire night, in front of everyone present. And I used the word chakka a lot too. And there were my cousins, who tried to take my case, my brother, who inspite of all the spotlight on him, was probably loving me stealing his thunder.
By the time people went away, or had slept, (it was already 3 in the morning) I had moderated down a bit, and my brother was having some questions about leaving his bachelor lifestyle behind. I tried to calm him a bit, and I guessed it worked. Then I left upstairs to my room, the best room in the world, and slept for tomorrow was going to be another gruelling day.

Day 2: The day started around 10, when I got down to assist dad in the functions, and boy, was this day fun! The entire day was about my brother taking part in various activities, which was to see him sitting in front of the fire most of the time, and when not, getting massaged with haldi by all the ladies of the house. It is kind of embarrassing really if you ask me. But for me the entire day was a good exercise in practical management. Sammy, Shreyas, Praddy, Jha and Rupa came around 11 in the morning, and after some chit chat went to the hotel to get some rest. I, on the other hand, worked hard getting things arranged, and was actually missing for most of my brother's ceremonies (Sehra bandi and all that crap). By 6 in the evening, we were all ready to go (considering that the expected time was 5:30, we didnt do too bad). Vaibhav came all the way from Hamirpur, and after picking up Vivek, came straight to the wedding place, which was an hotel in Palampur. And so started the best wedding function I ever attended. (To be continued).

A Piece of Fiction

2007-05-24T07:12:00.000+05:30

I am dying. (What is the big deal? So are the six-and-a-half billion people, and infinitely more flora and fauna, who have taken birth on this planet earth. Everyone who has ever lived, is dead or is dying).
Let me be more precise. I am dying in three months. Or this is what a doctor told me today. Actually what he told me was that alcohol and drugs had taken over my body, spoiled my liver and my lungs, and with me ignoring the continious advices of friends and family to change myself, three months was the maximum he could give me.
And so I am dying in three months.
Well, let me introduce myself to you. "Whats in a name? A rose by any other name would smell as sweet", wrote Shakespeare. I will call myself Asshole, for want of anything else. I am 30 years old, single, a small town middle class boy, an IIT-IIMian, presently living alone in New Delhi and an alcoholic and a drugs abuser for the past five years. And now I am on the threshold of death.
"What a waste of brilliant talent. This boy was destined to achieve great things in life. He had it all: charisma, talent, energy, ambition. He could have reached the Everest of whatever field he chose. But he chose to do nothing. He was a flawed genius." Probably this is what people would write at my tombstone. Or maybe, they will just write my name and add a line saying that "lived and died in accordance with his name." I am fine with anything. I mean, after you die, does it even matter what people remember you as? Or, for that matter, how much money did you have, and how many women? Arent we all just dust in the wind? Isnt life just an illusion?
Why did I make the choices I did in my life? Why did I go to IIT and later IIM? Was it just to earn the respect of people around me? Or was it to prove something to myself? And why did I drink so much alcohol? Was it to eliminate my negative thoughts, about my career, my ambitions and my relationships, or was it just to prove to the world that I was not a nerd people believed me to be?
Whatever it was, drinking and drugs did make me live a happy life. In the end, that is all that matters, isnt it? What would you have, a life of helping others filled with guilt, or a useless, happy life? In short, a life of meaning or a life of happiness?

That is the only question you need to ask yourself.

The last two week(end)s; back to those days; and finally starts the fight

2007-05-22T05:26:00.000+05:30

Sitting here on a Sunday evening of what has been easily the most boring (least tiring) weekend since the first one after arriving in Uncle Sam, I have plenty of time, and more importantly desire, to write about the past two weeks in New York(/New Jersey for the more geographically inclined ones). Having already written and cancelled several drafts of this post for lack of interest, I hope I am able to finish this one, because I have plenty to write about: and this time it is not only about my experiences here.
Last weekend (the 5/11 one) was another happening one. Friday night got along with other IIMCians of my batch in New York and went night clubbing; listening to a band, which played everything from Spanish Pop to Doors rock. Got really drunk (I dont need to reteriate this too much. I always get really drunk). Suhas came on Saturday evening, and the next 24 hours were spent with him, visiting the Metropolitan Museum, American Museum of Natural History, and Central Park, among other things. Also saw SpiderMan - 3, which I thought was OKish. The parts I like about the entire trilogy is what other people hate (because they are quite poorly directed and emotionally weak, I guess): the part where they tell you about you having a choice to be good or bad. That choice is always there I guess.
And got another 1.75 litre of Jack Daniels for drinking in house, our third. All those people going to the best restraunts in India to get a taste of the drink, I pity you!!! JD for me has become like Peter Scot, or Royal Stag, or DSP. Apart from that, well celebrated my second paycheck here (and the first which I might be able to save something from) by a night at Carriage House, a bar near my office. Tried six different whiskies that day, starting from Michael Collins(an Irish Whisky), going to Glenlivet, Johnny Walker Red Label, Maker's Mark, Southern Comfort (this one was on the house for me), and ended up with Glenfiddich. Needless to say, my head was whizzing when I reached home. But it was that I have found the first reason I would like to spend the rest of my life here: I am actually liking the people here, and the culture. And also the fact that most of my friends shall probably drift off to alien lands themselves. So well if I have an option, its here I will like to come.
And here, my friends, in my response to Shreyas' comment that I write I-hate-my-parents post. Maybe you feel that way, but if you go and read my posts again, this is what my posts say: I think I might have wanted to do something else in life, but I have taken the decision to come into IIT and IIM based on the expectations of my parents, and other people. Having noone else to blame for it , I put the blame on my parents because I didnt actually enjoy studying here. But the crux is: It was finally my decision, and if I was strong enough, I could have taken the other decision and made my parents fume over it. You too have, like me, taken the easier way out, and you want to blame it on your parents, just like what I do in my posts. I dont think how we are different. So well, I would like to say two words to you!!!:$*#@ &$$
And about Arnav's post saying that why I needed alcohol to keep me sane when life is good is this: When I dont have alcohol I dont enjoy the present, think too much about past, what could have been past, the what will be future ; alcohol makes me do that. So when I am drunk I enjoy life for what it is : a happy present, with everything else forgotten. And that is how it should be. So $*#@ &$$ for you too!!!
Well office over the past week was bad, I mean, I had plenty of work, but I was not actually able to complete it. But the nights were much better. Thursday and Friday were another Carriage House nights, again trying new drinks and finally settling on Philip Collins (it might not be the best, but its the best among the cheap ones!!!). Friday also saw me and P (after already getting high in Carriage House) go back to Mcdougals Street (Downtown New York where they have the best nightclubs), and trying to get into a non-stag entry nightclub. The first women we asked agreed immediately, and the one with me even gave me her hand to hold. But as we were going in, the bouncer (a kallu, who else) heard the girl, Allison, asking me about P's name. And he found out that we were not with them, and he chucked us out. And the girl was really pretty and cute and hot!!! So we parted, she almost had tears in her eyes, but it was inevitible. And I remained a loser.
But still, we went to some other nightspot, and had a rollicking time. By the time we reached home, it was 530 in the morning, and P had to go to Niagara on Saturday Morning, with other two of my roommates. So I was alone, kind of. And Saturday went by sleeping, drinking JD, watching TV, and playing games on my Laptop (reminding me of a typical IIMC day). Sunday, though, I decided to go to the city, and roamed the city alone, and it was fun. And tomorrow is office again. OOPS.
Which reminds me that the PPO fight probably depends on the work that I do the next three days. Which is an interesting thought, but a pretty scary one as well. The next three days can probably change my life. So wishing myself all the best!!!
P.S: After the trip to California, and meeting Dasa, have become a big NBA fan myself. Am sad that the Nets are out, but waiting to see the Spurs clinch the title now. But Steve Nash is the best NBA player, and my second favourite after Manu Ginobili!!!
Life is good. With alcohol. Without it, it just gets a bit boring.
Whoever said getting PPO from Bloomberg was easy, was probably right. I just dont seem to do the easy things right!!!

California, here we come

2007-05-09T17:46:00.000+05:30

Any of you who has watched OC, or has atleast listened to this song by a group called the Phantom Planet "California" would remember the line "Driving down the 101". Well thats what I did all this weekend. But sadly, for lack of time, I missed going to Orange County, or even Napa Valley for that matter. Missing Napa Valley, home to American wine, hurts less than it would normally have, because I am going to Bordeaux, the wine capital of the world, in September this year, for three whole months!!
But that is besides the point. The point is, that I had another incredible weekend, one that was spent with friends I wanted to be with all through. And after Boston, it was only the second time that New York seemed kind of cold. But a new bottle of Jack Daniels' is there to take care of that.
The flight to San Fransisco, as so happens with me, was delayed, and so I reached the SFO airport only at 1200 a.m. compared to the expected arrival time of 11:30. Maddu was there to recieve me, though, and the ride southwards (in his Honda Civic) that followed was complemented with an indepth understanding of the Bay area geography, and of his daily routine. We finally got into Stanford, and the night went by talking about various things, talking about various things, people, work and life. It was pretty late by the time we slept, and it came as no surprise when my watch showed one o'clock when I awoke next day ( I still had not adjusted the three hours you gain by travelling west, you see), and we were ready to rock the Bay area.
A hasty Saturday plan followed to walk along the trail in the Big Basin red forest area, 34 miles, but more importantly, 1 1/2 hours further south, and Aarti was also invited to be a part of it. She was a bit late, and by the time we did manage (in Aarti's car, a Honda Accord, down the 101 as well) to reach the Big Basin forest, it was already 2 p.m. Two trails and three hours later, in which we saw the Mother of the Forest (the redwood tree that was the tallest) , the Father of the forest (the redwood tree that had the greatest centimeter) and a waterfall, we had already got a call from Dasa ( for those of you, who dont know Dasa, what are you doing here? In this earth, I mean? What have you achieved in life if you havent been able to psyche Dasa even once?) about arriving at the SFO airport. We then proceded to pick him up, and after losing our way and roaming southern SF city for the better part of two hours, we finally checked out on a Mexican restraunt. And that too on a Cinco de Mayo day, what a coincidence (the bill was paid entirely by Dasa, who wanted to treat us for his Mercer and Chevron jobs) ! The food was good, and from there, me, Dasa, and Aarti, separated from Maddu, who took the 280 and then 101 back to Stanford, to start another Sunday of research. I sincerely believe he will be a Nobel Prize winner one day, and that would be one of the proudest days of the lives of all those who know him.
The three of us had planned to visit San Fransisco that night, but a wrong turn took us into the Bay bridge, and we found ourselves in Oakland, from where the only oppurtunate way was the way back to Aarti's home. And after calling a couple of people ( and a couple of hours), we finally got the right way through Google Maps courtesy Karthik (whom we called obviously, and yeah, for all of you ignorant folks, Karthik is the Maddu).
More talking followed saturday night, and then on Sunday, Dasa and me awoke to watch the San Antonio Spurs take on the Phoenix Suns (Dasa supported Suns, so I supported the Spurs, and the other reason in that Manu Ginboli plays for Spurs, and he belongs to Argentina, which is the country producing Maradona and Messi, among others). We missed the first half though, on account of a game of tennis, where I saw Dasa play the best he ever has. And he had me shouting for cover. I am a pretty decent tennis player, by the way (in case you were ignorant enough to know this basic fact, you ought to sink in a small pool of water, out of shame), but when we came back to see the Spurs beat Suns, Dasa's tennis enthusiasm had given in. Then we went to an Italian restraunt in SF (Aarti's job treat!!) , and from there went to the place called the Fisherman's Wharf, saw chocolate be made atChirarDelli's Square (if this sounds like Chirag Delhi, I dont blame you) looked at Alcatzar jail from a distance, Dasa bought a Golden State Warriors Tee, and the weekend was over, just like that. Came back to NYC after a pretty comfortable and late Delta flight, and headed straight to 731,Lexington Avenue for another day in office. One of the only two days (the other was in Boston) when I didnt need alcohol in the US to keep me sane. Life is pretty good, I guess!!!
Thanks, Aarti, Maddu and Dasa, for a great weekend!!!!

And meet me tonight in Atlantic CIty

2007-05-02T08:14:00.000+05:30

(Disclaimer: For all of you losers desperate males out there, (and that shall pretty much cover up all those who read this blog), and who have been stranded in India all their lives, and have never seen hot women in little more than bare minimum in REAL, please don't read any further. The only thing it will do, apart from providing you with laugh about my own loserness, would be to depress you about your own. This has already happened to two frustu friends, one of whom had even had lots of girls. Indian Despo, you know!!!. Females, I had prefer you not to read this as well, as it contains some pretty graphic pornographic fantasies. And all persons under 18 are totally banned.)
The song is by Bruce Springsteen, which was the only time I had heard of the place, before How I met your mother.
Last weekend we planned a trip to Washington D.C. and Philadelphia. That did not materialise, but what did, was a fun nightout in what is the Vegas of the East Coast, The Atlantic City. And like most things in this foreign land, it was AWESOME, but it could certainly have been better (well I could say if I didn't have F and P with me to spoil the fun, or if I had just that little more money, but having embarrassed myself a lot already on this blog, I have no chasms in accepting that the night would have been so much better if) had I managed to score.
And this time it wasn't for the lack of trying. I dint exactly know what scoring means, but getting close to a female and snogging her and touching her boobs shall probably make me one up on a lot of my friends. It was the best chance I had gotten yet, and this time even my age old, conservative principles were not going to stop me. Except that I ran out of guts, and yeah, lemme face it, I am ugly and way too non-smart to bed these extra hot women that I tried getting through.
The plan was simple: Leave Saturday afternoon for Atlantic City, where we hoped to look at good looking female, earn some money by using the probability fundaas learnt during the Statistics class, and roam on the beach (Its not called Atlantic City for nothing, dumb ass, like I told P when he asked, "Wahaan par sea bhee hai kyaa?" ) And so we went to Atlantic City.
One thing I had no great idea about the place, but had just heard of it as a Vegas compatriot, and so was expecting to see scantily clad babes all around. Having reached rather early to the city after a two hour bus ride, we decided to check out chicks at the beach first, which, except for a family making castles in the sand, was totally empty. Not once to let that deter us, we decided to enjoy the lovely weather on the beach, and hung around for an hour, and then took a walk around the famous Boardwalk, which has all the casinos lined up against it. Then, with night approaching fast, we were ready for enjoying the casino, where when we went in, all we could see were old men and women sitting on the slot machines. No babes, no other machines, we had been totally tricked it seems. The only hope was that I spotted HOOTERS!!!!
Now if you havent heard of Hooters, it is totally your fault. It is the best place ever. Women, or rather very very very hot girls, are dressed in little more than a white vest which says Hooters and orange tights, which culminate almost where they start, leaving you an uniterrupted view of the hottest pairs of legs you will ever see. And these women are there to serve you!!! We decided to come back there, after trying our luck upstairs, where we found out there were Roulettes.
The Roulette is an interesting game, and the one most likely to be appliciable to the principles of Probability, and so we went there. Started off by winning around 5 dollars, then lost 15, before coming back to play from the basics and winning 35 dollars. In between we had Jack Daniel's and pizzas, among other things. And then we went to Hooters.
Our waiteress wasnt really that hot ( I mean she would beat all Indian heroines any day, but am talking about our high standards that day), but the one serving the table next to us was the real deal. She showed a bit more than any of the girls, and she bent a bit more too. And she was a total blonde. And her measurements must have been 36-24-36; it couldnt be anything else. Man it was a treat for the eyes, but it was nothing compared to what was going to happen.
We reluctantly finished our drinks and the accompanying snacks and came out of the sexiest restraunt is the world, and then went out of the casino to take another stroll down the Boardwalk. And then this happened.
Two hot blondes, wearing a very tight top and macrominis, came out of the casino and started smoking. They were evidently very drunk too. And they were absolutely horny, trying to get into one other. I was already turned on, and noting the way that a certain Mr. Jhaw tried to patao the sexiest girl in IIT (she was not an IITian, all you know-alls);I put up a cigarette to my mouth, went up to them and asked, as coolly as I could, "Do you have a light?" She was piss drunk, and fumbled her purse to take out her cigarette. I was trying to make eye contact, but the moment never came and her next comment broke my heart. I just took the lighter and backed off, trying to light the cigarette, when she said, "He is running away with the lighter." It was a big big turnoff and I just gave back the lighter, after lighting ofcourse, and came back to where the F and P were sitting, admiring me for my guts.
And then came the best part of the trip, we followed those females to what can only be described as heaven. It was like all apsaras (there were around 200 of them) had decided to appear together and had gotten rid of their clothes and had come down to the bare minimum, and had too much to drink. And they all were obviously horny, but by the time we had reached there, all of them had guys snogging them. We had missed the ticket yet again.
But for the first time in my life I had seen so many beautiful hot sexy women. It was a treat for the eyes and other parts of the body. We remained there, feeling ultimately frustrated, till the place was empty, and then decided to go back to the beach and get drunk. And this is what we did. In the meantime we also lost all the money we had won and more. And then we got more drunk. And in the morning we came back from Atlantic City.
I have not been ablte to do justice to all my emotions in the post, but if any of those females had told me to do anything, I would have done it. And for all of them. It was that good/
In the past 4 days, since coming from Atlantic City, have finished 1.75 litres of Jack Daniels. Not bad for someone who attends office also, yeh!!!!
Life is good. Am going to California today evening.

A great weekend

2007-04-25T07:42:00.000+05:30

I am off to do what I do best before describing a terrific weekend. Describing people and what I think of them. The subject this time around are the three roommates I have here, in the town of Secaucus in New York City.
Mr. F, my wingie from IIM Calcutta, a great guy to be with, but can be really juvenile at times. And can really frustrate you sometimes, with his mood swings and a totally freaky I dont care attitude. And he has some characteristic Bengali traits. Stubborn, for example, and once started, doesnt really know when to
Mr. P is the ideal small town middle class guy, who wants to show the world he is cool. This includes eating food which he doesnt really like, drinking almost daily here, while before it was once a year, smoking madly, and generally trying to live up to the great American Dream. Wanting to visit all places, and do all of NYC masti. And yeah, complaining about everything American (in private, ofcourse) and how Infosys has a better working environment than Bloomberg. Going late to office, getting back pretty early. And he is the one who wants the PPO, even perhaps more badly than I do.
Mr. H, on the other hand, is another small town middle class, who has made office his second home. His only other occupation is talking on the phone. One thing he is game for is exploring famous places in New York and adjoining cities, but at minimum cost of capital. Easily the most hardworking and the biggest fattu among us. Has a sense of responsibility though, which I kind of like. Now on to much better things.
(Now I guess you can see why I wish I live alone. Not helping matters is the fact that we live one hour from our office, and are sharing the house with one more person, the man who has subletted it to us, and is, using the cliched term, a complete asshole. (Well, not complete, but the greater I stay with him, the more convinced I become he is).

The past weekend was easily among the best I had in the recent past. It started off pathetically, though, with my "boss" telling me to go out of the office and "get a life." Even after that, I was out only by 7:00 p.m. and the evening seemed to be going nowhere when my room partners decided they werent ready to take the taxi back to Secaucus which meant going house early (before 11 p.m. anyways, when the last bus leaves NYC for our house) for them, and wasting time at the Port Authority for four hours (waiting for the 3:30 A.M. bus to take me to Boston) for me. However, F and P decided to stay back,(because they found out about a late night service!) (H went home, guess he had to talk on the phone) and the rest, to overuse a much used cliche, is history. Or in this case, the start of history.
The night got young with an expensive and good dinner, coupled with some good Irish Whisky, at Hard Rock coffee, seeing the Doors, U2, Third Eye Blind, Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Metallica videos, among others. After that lavish dinner, which ended at around 12:30 a.m. while I had plans for a night club, the alcohol had taken hold of one (F), and the other had not entirely liked the New York night culture, and gave the excuse, I am feeling cold. But there was nothing much to do, we had to somehow pass time till 3;30 A.M, in the morning, (because their late night bus, was scheduled to leave 3:30 a.m, as did my Boston bus), and so we went to the Empire State Building, and just reached in time to see the shining lights of NYC. For the second time in my life, I fell in love with this amazing nightview of the best city in the world. The experience left them spellbound, just the same effect it had on me three years ago. They got high like no alcohol ever could. And the high changed into an ecstacy when we got a STRETCH LIMO ride for 20$. It was absolutely surreal! This is the kind of stuff that dreams are made of, and finally, one of mine was achieved.
The Boston bus ride was spent sleeping, and when I reached the station at 730 a.m. on Saturday morning, nothing could match the elation I felt when I met Suhas. It had been a pretty long time since we had last caught up on each other, so spending around 36 hours with him was great. It was one of my cheapest trips ever (thanks to Suhas, who played the perfect host, and my entire cost for the trip was the round trip ticket of 55$ plus four or five dollars more for tickets.), and one of the few weekends where I was so happy I stopped thinking, and didnt need alcohol (Thanks again to Suhas).
As it turned out, Suhas' roommate turned out to be a classmate from DAV college. As they say, its a small world.
The day started off with a trip to Harvard Square after breakfast, followed by a visit to the Boston Harbour. All this was done in his Honda City () (You know what to put between brackets now, dont you). After that, the lunch was pizzas at Papa Gino's. Later in the evening, went to watch Hot Fuzz - a brilliant, comic, gory movie. It was one of the most comedy, and at the same time, one of the goriest movies I have ever seen. A must watch!!! The evening was capped off with a cheap (by NYC standards, atleast) at Harvard Square, where I also had three Glenfiddich pegs for $ 6 each. You get my point now, dont you?
The next day was spent touring Coolidge Corner, and eating an Indian Buffet for 8$ only. Later, went to country side Massachusetts (One other advantage of the trip was, I learnt this difficult spelling), and it was awesome, sitting down the beach across a lake in the middle of what looked like a jungle. But there were plenty of people. The woods and the area were so quiet and silent. It reminded me of home a bit, but much more beautiful. This was again thanks to Suhas. A place to have a farmhouse, or a ranch, which is another of my dreams.
And on my way back Sunday evening to New York, I thought about this post and how its going to be. It came out well I guess.
Next: Watch out for a review/synopsis of Nick Hornby's Hi Fidelity.
For all the Geo-Enthusiasts: New York is the Empire State, New Jersey is the Garden State, and Massachusetts is the Spirit of America.

It happens only in America

2007-04-17T06:46:00.000+05:30

A Chinese, a Russian and an Indian (all of different ages, and practically strangers) shared a lunch in a Mexican restraunt. Talking about New York and the world of finance. It was pretty cool.
After the first week of internship, the training is done. Have started with a really cool project involving portfolio analytics, which test only my quantitative and logical skils. This internship should be fun.
Have planned a trip to Boston next weekend. And California is also not too way off the radar. So should be okay.
The Bus trip and the Metro trips are complemented listening to some of the coolest songs ever written, and by the book High Fidelity. Nick Hornby, I realise, is a fantastic author.
Also, running on a parallel track maybe, Dazed and Confused is a much watch.
Another book, which like A Million Little Pieces, reminds me of myself.
In short, another book in first person about a complete loser, who shall probably get happy at the end of the book.
I hate the endings the most, because the ending of my story will be anything but happy, and I seem to find happiness in other people sorrows.
Much of cribbing, more about this fantastic book later, when I end it in another week or so, for now, good night and good luck!!!
Life is so good, it seems to be a dream. I am high!!!!!

And so it begins...

2007-04-10T15:04:00.000+05:30

Day one:

The major highlight: Given a tour of the office by by far, the prettiest girl who ever lived. Remember Madhubala of the old Hindi films? This Spanish girl looked exactly like her, and was tall and grand. Awesome. Great.
The Office is awesome as well, and the Bloomberg Towers are considered to be one of the best buildings in New York.
The team I am joining in Bloomberg is doing the kind of work I want to do, so thats awesome too.
Also, a bar is pretty nearby, so after a hard days work (okay, or maybe, after the day's work), you know where to go.
Our house is in Secaucus, a town in NJ outside Manhattan, which means a commute time of 35 minutes.
On the cards, is a trip to California.
Life is good. Could it be any better. Yeah, maybe. If only I was staying in Manhattan (alone:P, you never know of all the possibilities that could occur.) And if beer and whisky were a little cheaper.

Of times spent

2007-03-28T23:57:00.000+05:30

Delhi rocked. One of the best times I have had in some while.

Saw 300, sat at TGIF and MJ's. Met a lot of people, some of them on the road, and it felt good.

Now in New Jersey, held up with a bunch of guys who want to live up to the Great Indian Tradition of putting saving money at any cost above everything else, so its definately not cool.

On second thoughts, I have just found out my biggest problem: I just dont believe anyone can like me for what I am. I have a very low opinion of myself, and I think it has stayed this way for the past some time.

And that is a pretty scary thought, when you come to think about it. But the good thing is, I am now atleast honest about it.

Hope now all of you understand, why I am the way I am. Sorry for everything.

I wish I could say sorry on the face, but now, I just cant.